Friday, February 17, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Really Awful TV Commercials

It's Friday. You deserve to have a few laughs. I know I had plenty while watching these awesomely bad TV commercials. If you had to categorize these "gems," you'd probably put them under "It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time..." But they weren't. They were really, really, really BAD ideas! 

But at least we get to reap the benefits of this rampant ludicrousness. There are literally hundreds I could have chosen from on the World Wide Web, but these are the ones that made the cut. 

You can't make this stuff up! Enjoy!

1)  Flea Market Montgomery: "It's just like, It's just like, A Mini-Mall!"  This guy had way too much fun doing this commercial. He sings, he raps, he even dances. He'll do whatever it takes to sell you "living rooms, bedrooms, dinettes – oh yeah!"

2)  Bobby Denning Furniture:  Yes, I found a truly local commercial. For those of you reading this in Eastern North Carolina, this furniture (and apparently everything else!) store is located just down the road in Mt. Olive, North Carolina. And you can go there and buy anything you're looking for, as long as it can be sold legally. (But that probably wouldn't stop them, either!) As if the commercial itself wasn't weird enough already, listen closely for the creepy voiceovers at random times throughout.

3)  T.D.M. Auto Sales:  Oh dear me, another North Carolina commercial! This one's for a car dealership in High Point. Rudy, the Cuban-gynecologist-turned-American-auto-salesman, wants to sell you a car so badly that he took the time to include every bad Cuban pun he could think up to convince you. Not to mention some ill-advised musical interludes.

4)  C.P.A. Claycomb:  Badly delivered (and written) lines, disinterested participants, and one scary space pig named the "Tax Monster" equal one awesomely bad commercial! Wow!!

5)  Eagleman:  When a life-sized eagle goes splat on top of your car then proceeds to squat and lay an egg which hatches immediately and a baby eagle comes out with a "low rates" sheet in its mouth, it must be Eagleman! If they'd only had insurance on their car, none of this would have ever happened!

6)  Griffith's Electronics Boutique Emporium:  I can't figure this one out. Is it really an old commercial selling weird electronics, or is it a newer commercial pretending to be old, you know, doing the "retro" thing! Either way, it's awful. The spokesperson stutters badly at the beginning, then proceeds to offer you a bunch of products no one would ever want, before blaaassssting off into space. Yeah, okay...

7)  Barbie And Her Poop-Eating Dog, Tanner:  I had to watch this one a couple of times to make sure of what I was seeing. But it apparently is what it looks like at first glance. Barbie's dog poops out little green pellets when you crank his tail downward. Then you can either eat the pellets (which are apparently candy) or you can feed them back to the dog. Yep, you put the poop in the dog's mouth and it swallows it! I wonder how long it took the marketing exec for this ad to get fired?

8)  Snuggie Jingle Bells: Wow, wouldn't it be great to get a Snuggie for Christmas this year? But do you know what would be even better? I've got it: Let's invite the whole family over for a Snuggie-wearing party! We'll gather in the piano room for a good old-fashioned sing-along about our Snuggies to the tune of "Jingle Bells." Ooh, I can't wait!

But what if your family is Jewish? What then? No problem. Snuggie has got you covered!

9)  Golden Gate Funeral Home: Yes, dearly departed one, "your family made the smart choice" when they chose Golden Gate Funeral Home. Just look at "the new 300" hearse you get to roll out in. And man oh man, is that a fine casket! And look at you lying there in it – you've never looked THIS good before! What a shame that you never will again either! Oh, well...

10)  Hiney Wine:  Okay, so this one's a bit inappropriate. (Kids, cover your eyes!) But it's apparently a real commercial, and it is real funny. But why they ever thought it was a good idea, and how it ever aired on television is beyond me. Consider yourself forewarned!

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