Wednesday, August 29, 2012

This Week In Sports: Notable NFL Transactions

For those of you who don't already know, this is the week when NFL football teams have to pare their rosters all the way down to 53 players in preparation for the first game of the season. Needless to say, a lot of hard decisions have to be made, and many players will be cleaning out their lockers and calling their agents, looking for another chance with another team. Some are perhaps even facing the end of their careers, and not by their choice. I felt it only appropriate to catalog a few of the more notable players who were waived, released, terminated, placed on the injured reserve or physically-unable-to-perform lists, or otherwise notified that their services would no longer be required.

If you were hoping for an insightful analysis of why each of these players was released, and perhaps even my predictions of where they might be headed next, you have come to the wrong site. In my own twisted way, I will be theorizing about why these players parted ways with their teams, but my reasons have been formulated strictly for laughs (hopefully!). I can neither confirm nor deny that any of these are the actual reasons for the players' departure. In other words, I'm making it all up...

1)  Jimmy Sadler-McQueen was released by the Houston Titans when the team tailors threatened to go on strike if they had to take extra time out of their already-busy schedules to sew all the letters of Sadler-McQueen's name onto the back of his jersey.

Jimmy "Why Couldn't My Name Just Be Smith?" Sadler-McQueen

2)  Frank Zombo was placed on the physically-unable-to-perform list by the Green Bay Packers when a fellow teammate (whose face Zombo had recently attempted to eat) broke Zombo's leg in three places.

Frank Zombo, undead and loving it!

3)  Jojo Nicolas and Joel Reinders were waived by the New York Giants because their names were too reminiscent of the holiday season. Apparently, Nicolas' and Reinders' teammates had been spending an excessive amount of time exchanging Christmas lists with each other and not enough time lifting weights, and the team was not happy about this.

Jojo Nicolas –  he's no saint!

Joel Reinders, doesn't pull sleds for Santa

3)  Jason Slowey was waived by the San Francisco 49ers when the team realized that he only ran fast when donuts were dangled in front of him, and that this unusual setup would not be feasible during an actual game.

Jason Slowey – he runs on Dunkin'

4)  Matt Cleveland was waived by the Cleveland Browns for being redundant.

Matt Cleveland – he didn't want to play for the Browns anyway

5)  The Chicago Bears terminated the contract of John McCargo when it was determined that he was just dead weight.

John McCargo, always has to pay extra before boarding a plane

6)  Pep Levingston was waived by the Seattle Seahawks when he just flat ran out of energy.

Pep Levingston, out of breath and out of work

7)  Kyle Newhall-Caballero was waived by the Oakland Raiders, which had recently hired a new group of tailors who had previously worked for the New York Giants (see #1 above).

Kyle Newhall-Caballero, really wishes he'd made
the team, now he's stuck with this stupid haircut

8)  Emmanuel Acho was placed on injured reserve by the Cleveland Browns when he sneezed one time too many and ruptured his spleen.

Emmanuel "Gesundheit" Acho, hates allergy season

9)  Edawn Coughman was waived by the Seattle Seahawks when the team realized they could no longer increase their Nyquil budget.

Edawn Coughman, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching,
 stuffy-headed, and can't rest – but at least he has his health

10)  Jameson Konz was waived by the Seattle Seahawks when the team realized that they had been played for a fool.

Jameson Konz – fool you once, shame
on me; fool you twice, shame on you...

11)  Solomon Elimimian was waived by the Minnesota Vikings when local sportscasters threatened to go on strike if they had to pronounce Solomon's last name five times per game.

Solomon Elimimian – what would you prefer? Jones? C'mon, I'm Nigerian!

12)  Jason Spitz was placed on injured reserve by the Jacksonville Jaguars due to chronic saliva overproduction. It was either that, or they'd have to put in artificial grass, because Spitz had caused half the end zone to erode in the team's preseason games.

Jason Spitz, expectorator extraordinaire

13)  David Clowney was released by the Buffalo Bills, because he just couldn't be serious for one lousy minute, for crying out loud, and the coach had had just about enough of his foolishness.

David Clowney – why so serious?

14)  Al Everest, special teams coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was told to take a hike when it was clear that he was at less than peak performance as a coach. According to the team, Everest had failed to reach the highest heights for quite some time, and had been dangling by a very thin rope all preseason long.

Al Everest, feeling lower than he's ever felt before

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