Monday, September 3, 2012

Rhyme With Reason: 10 Things I Don't Ever Want To Happen To Me

Today I'm starting a new series that I'm calling "Rhyme With Reason." In this post, and others like it, I will list a number of things that all fall under a unified theme. The "rhyme" part of it is that each word or phrase in the list will rhyme. The explanations for each will not rhyme, but all the main "reasons" will. Here goes nothing...


1)  BEAT ME:  Maybe at some point in my future life I will have deserved a beating. But I hope not. And if I do deserve it, I hope I will be shown mercy instead.

2)  CHEAT ME:  To be cheated is one of the worst kind of betrayals, because it means trust has been broken. Whether it's in a business transaction or a personal relationship, I pray I will never be cheated.

3)  CLEAT ME:  Few things in life are more uncomfortable, so I've heard, than having metal cleats rip patterned holes in your face. Whether on purpose or by accident, I don't ever want to be cleated.

4)  DEFEAT ME:  Now if this isn't an unreasonable expectation, then I don't know what is. Of course, I have been defeated many times in my life, whether in a competitive arena, or having been simply defeated in spirit. And I'm sure I will continue to be defeated (in both senses of the term). But the point is, I don't ever want to be defeated.

5)  EAT ME:  Large sharks and other wild animals make lunchmeat of human beings far too often. I don't want to be another casualty in that category. Consider this an open letter to all would-be carnivores: I don't taste good. You don't want me. Pick on somebody your own size. Preferably someone who tastes like chicken.

6)  HEAT ME:  One of my irrational phobias as a kid was sticking my hand anywhere inside a hot oven. I've since overcome this fear; thankfully, or the number of meals I can prepare for me and my wife would likely decrease by at least 25%. However, I still fear extreme heat in close proximity to my body. Put simply, I have no desire to be cooked or to be burned. No, thank you.

7)  DELETE ME:  I know I'm not the world's best husband, son, friend, or acquaintance. But is that any reason to shut me out of your life completely? Try to keep in touch with me, if you care anything at all about me -- even if I sometimes forget to reciprocate. Don't cut me off or "delete" me, as it were. I care about you, and I remember you -- even if I sometimes forget to remember.

8)  DEPLETE ME:  For a nearly middle-aged person, I think I do a fair job of juggling several "irons in the fire" at once. On a related topic, I have a hard time saying "no" to people who ask for my help with something. So sometimes enough is enough, and is in fact too much, and I feel depleted. I'm doing too much, am responsible for too much, I care too much, and I want to do a good job at too many things simultaneously. This can also make me feel defeated (see above). This is not a good feeling.

9)  MISTREAT ME:  Like "defeat me," this one is also a "dream on" scenario. I have been mistreated by my fellow man (and woman), and I'm sure I will continue to be mistreated. Sometimes I may deserve it, and others I may not. But it will happen. But I don't ever want it to.

10)  SHEET ME:  Okay, so this one isn't quite self-explanatory. So I'll explain. In television and the movies, when all hope is lost and it's become obvious that a person has died, they pull the sheet over their head. (Alternately, the body bag is zipped up.) The dead can't suffocate, so it's clear that they're actually gone when this happens. Ultimately, this act is a very symbolic sense of closure. Point being, I don't want to die. Not now, not ever. Fortunately, we're all immortal -- though where we'll spend our immortality may vary -- and I don't plan on being heated....

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