Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Creepy Santas

It's that time of year when parents haul their adorable little boys and girls to the mall or to their local department store to wait in a long line to sit on the lap of a slightly bored, minimum-wage Santa Claus impersonator and tell him what they want for Christmas, then pose with him for overpriced photos in which said children are usually too frightened to smile and are more often than not captured in mid-cry, and the parents vow never, never again to take their child to see Santa, or at least not until the child is a bit older and maybe not even then, because by that time their child will be too old to care or even to believe. Ah, Christmas!

In honor of that time-honored tradition, or perhaps in spite of it, I present you with a compendium of creepy-looking Santa Clauses compiled from various Internet sites. Enjoy...or be creeped out. Whichever feels right to you...

"There's no need to be afraid of me, little girl. I'm
a jolly elf. I make toys. And nightmares, too."

"You're safe with me, little one. And by 'safe,' I mean that
there's no possible chance of you ever getting away..."

"Oh yeah, old man? Well, here's 
what I think of your naughty list!"

"You got any spare change for
an old man? Santa needs a fix."

"I asked Santa for a switchblade.
He said he'd bring me two!"

"So sorry, dearies. Mrs. Claus made baked beans and
cabbage last night, and I went back for seconds."

"Ho-ho-hopeless...what do I have to live for? I might
as well just die. Skedaddle, little ones – Santa's got a 
bus to walk in front of. Oh yeah...Merry Christmas!"

He sees you when you're sleeping. 
He knows when you're awake. 
He has knives for fingers. Sleep tight!

"Drinking? What makes you drink I've been thinking?"

Santa's real glad they didn't do a background check.

Serial killers look just like everybody else. Why,
they could be your next-door neighbors. Or even
someone you pass at the shopping mall. Uh-oh...

I don't blame ya, kid. I wouldn't want that guy hugging me either.

"I was on Broadway. I was nominated for a Tony.
And this is what my life has come to?" (sigh...)

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you trust me with your kids."

"Mama, I don't think this is the real Santa. He
looks more like the Abominable Snowman."

"Santa, will you stop leering at me? I already
told you, elves are forbidden from going out
with Santas. It's in the employee handbook!"

"Ellos no me pagan lo suficiente como para hacer esto."

"Yes, I know the makeup is a tad much, but
don't judge! It makes me feel so pretty!"

"When you've been peed on fifteen times in
one night, this is about as merry as it gets."

"Hush your fuss, kid! You ain't hurt. But if
you don't keep quiet, you're gonna be!"

"Christmas! Humbug!"

"He told me he was the real Santa. I told him I
was 8 years old. It just goes to show you can
never believe what you read on the Internet."

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