Friday, June 28, 2013

Songs By Artists With Jewels And Gemstones In Their Names

Random idea for a post? Yes. Pretty darn good collection of songs? Yes again. So, why question further? Enjoy!  ~  JH

1)  Jewel  ~  "Standing Still"

2)  Caro Emerald  ~  "Back It Up"

3)  Diamond Rio  ~  "Meet In The Middle"

4)  Gems  ~  "Your Love"

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5)  Beryl Beloved  ~  "Foot Stuck Child"

6)  Ruby Summer  ~  "Sailor Song"

7)  Peridot  ~  "Drop"

8)  Pearl Jam  ~  "Alive"

9)  Garnet Crow  ~  "Hyakunen no Kodoku" ("One Hundred Years Of Solitude")

10)  Behind Sapphire  ~  "Waiting By The Satellites"

11)  Gem And The Deadheads  ~  "Velvet"

12)  Samantha Jade  ~  "Turn Around"

13)  Jasper Forks  ~  "River Flows In You"

14)  Meri Amber  ~  "From Me To You"

15)  Gemstones  ~  "Don't Understand"

16)  The Coral  ~  "In The Morning"

17)  Cat's Eyes  ~  "I Knew It Was Over"

18)  Amber Lily  ~  "Overloadin'"

19)  Chalcedony  ~  "Wrong Again"

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20)  The Crystal Method  ~  "Comin' Back"

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Stories # 60 & #61: "Micro-Manager" & "No Complaints"

Hope you don't mind me exploring the dark corners of my twisted yet imaginative sense of humor every now and then in the form of stories. Even if you do, I'll probably still write them. These two short pieces are 100% fiction. Not inspired by actual events, not based on real people, just ideas I had that I decided to roll with. Enjoy?  ~  JH


Hattie didn't like her boss – it wasn't personal, she just didn't care for him. For one thing, he was short – incredibly short. Almost dwarf-like, her boss was. Of course, his stature did not, in and of itself, make him a better or worse person, but it certainly contributed.

As is sometimes the case with short people, Hattie's boss tried to overcompensate for his small height with an extra-large attitude. Anyone whom he felt looked down on him, figuratively speaking – everyone looked down on him literally, even Marvella in the mailroom – was fair game for his abuse. Hattie, being the type of person not prone to dishing it out but also not content to take it, often challenged her vertically challenged manager's irrational requests.

In retrospect, she thought, maybe it was personal after all. Hattie's boss had had it in for her ever since he'd been promoted six months ago. Hattie had interviewed for the job herself and was, by most accounts, a better candidate. But she'd refused to compromise her personal integrity to complete the deal, so to speak, and was passed over for the job by her diminutive colleague. Getting the job had given the little guy a big power trip and he'd been tripping his brains out quite regularly ever since.

Hattie knew that something had to give, but she was reticent to give it. Until one day she wasn't.

It was a Thursday, in fact, when Hattie's boss crossed the line, stepping over the threshold into her office to do so, and issued forth his most unreasonable demand to date. It would, her wee manager informed Hattie, now be her job to take out the trash each morning, seeing as times were tough and the company was cutting back whenever and wherever it could, and the first poor schmucks to go were the housekeeping staff (his words, not hers). When his superiors had asked his opinion as to who would be the best sport about taking on some added responsibilities, Hattie's boss said that he'd instantly thought of her.

"Take out the trash?" she asked.

"Indeed," he replied.

"Remove the garbage?" she confirmed.

"You got it!" he reiterated.

That was when Hattie snapped. She grabbed her shrimpy little boss by the back of his collar, stuffed him head-first into the nearest trash can, then swiftly rolled the can – boss and all – to the nearest Dumpster, which happened to be right outside his office, and roughly deposited him inside it.

Immediately following, Hattie turned in her resignation, drove home, and enjoyed a nice cup of chamomile tea.


"Hey, Skippy." My dad was always fond of calling me by my childhood nickname, even though I was now forty years old.

"What's going on, Dad?" I sighed.

"Not a whole heck of a lot," he said. "You?"

"I can't complain," I answered honestly.

"What'd you do to your arm?" he said, and pointed toward it.

"Oh, that," I said matter-of-factly. "Nothing much. Shark."

"Vacuum cleaner?" Dad asked.

"Great white," I replied.

"Really?" Dad sounded surprised.

"Yeah," I said. "Tore it clean off. One bite."

"Hurt much?"

"It did," I admitted. "But it's alright now."

"How'd it happen?" I could hear fatherly concern in his voice. Appropriate.

"I got too close," I explained.


"Aquarium," I replied.

"That right?" Dad said, apparently amazed.

"Yeah, I fell in," I sighed.

"You get in trouble?" he smirked.

"Well, I lost the arm. I think they figured that was bad enough."

"Makes sense," Dad mumbled. "You doing alright now, though?"

"I said I was, didn't I?" I said, and I was. "No complaints here."

"Well, that's good."

"How you doing?" I asked, wondering if he'd come for any reason in particular.

"Fine as frog hair," Dad said. "Still got three months left."

"On what?" I inquired.

"Earth," he said.

"Too bad," I replied. And it was, too.

"Ain't it, though?" Dad sighed.

I nodded. "Other than that?"

"Can't complain," said Dad.

"That's good," I nodded again.

He put his hand on my shoulder.

I buried my face in his chest.

We stayed like that for a while.

Singing Politicians

Okay, so some of these are embarrassingly bad, and some of them are surprisingly good. I'll let you be the judge of which is which. In fact, why don't you watch them for yourself, and post your vote for the best singing politician as a comment, either here on the blog or on Facebook. (I have my personal favorite among these.) Enjoy!  ~  JH

1)  Mitt Romney  ~  "America The Beautiful"

2)  Barack Obama  ~  "Sweet Home Chicago"

3)  Hugo Chavez  ~  A Medley Of Unknown Songs

4)  Ted Kennedy  ~  "Just In Time"

5)  Manny Pacquiao  ~  "Sometimes When We Touch"  (He's not just a boxer; he's also a senator in his home country of the Philippines)

6)  Bill Clinton  ~  "Imagine"

7)  The Singing Senators  ~  "Elvira"  (consisting of Jim Jeffords, John Ashcroft, Trent Lott, & Larry Craig)

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8)  John Ashcroft  ~  "Let The Eagle Soar"  (Ashcroft doing a solo act)

Video of the full song wouldn't load – click link to view:

Or watch the short version:

9)  Dennis Kucinich  ~  "Sixteen Tons"

10)  Vladimir Putin  ~  "Blueberry Hill"

Funny Hotel/Motel Signs

Yesterday's "Funny Restaurant Signs" post was such a hit that I decided to follow it up with another pictures post I had been planning. Hope you all will enjoy these as well!  ~  JH

Oh well, then, if Jacky is here, then how could I not stay?

I guess this particular season is not actually part of the year.

Thin mattresses, disgustingly foul air, terrifying 
"roommates," and best of all – it's FREE! 
Welcome to your new home away from home!

If this place is even half as fancy as its sign, then I am all in!

And I'll bet they charge by the hour.

Free LSD? What kind of operation are they running here?

Now that's just good business sense.

You know what they say? If 
you can't say something nice...

Just don't ask the housekeepers...

Oh, good! I was specifically looking for a place that 
was convenient for shigtseenig. And the fact that 
they have non-smorking rooms is always a plus, too!

I don't know if that's the best way to sell rooms.


Be careful of parasailing horses? I wanna ride them suckers!

Had a rough day? Wanna end it all? We've got just the place for you.

If you don't enjoy your stay here, we'll sue the pants off of you!

You'd be crazy to stay anywhere else!

I don't think that's such a good deal after all...

The heart jacuzzis here are the best you'll find in all of
Gatlinburg! Trust Jesus – He wouldn't steer you wrong!

Honesty is the best policy. Right?

You could find better. You could find worse...

The rest of the time, sie sprechen Deutsch.

Refreshing poo? Say, what? long as you don't mind spending 20 years or so in jail.

If I can prove that I don't exist, can I stay free, too?

Calgon, take me away!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Songs By Guys Named Matthew, Matt, And Mat (All Christian Artists)

I know, I know, I just did a random-collection-of-songs-by-people-with-the-same-first-name post yesterday. But this one's different! See, this one is composed entirely of Christian artists. Enjoy!  ~  JH

(NOTE:  Singers with a "*" by their names are professing Christians who sing, but they don't make Christian music, per sé. [Kinda like who I'm a Christian who blogs, but this isn't specifically a Christian blog.] So don't look for a deep theological meaning in those particular songs, because there probably isn't one to be found.)

1)  Matt Redman  ~  "10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"

2)  Matt Maher  ~   "Rise Up"

3)  Matthew West  ~  "My Own Little World"

4)  Matthew Smith  ~  "Lord Jesus, Comfort Me"

5)  Mat Kearney*  ~  "Nothing Left To Lose"

6)  Matt Papa  ~  "Open Hands"

7)  Matthew Reed  ~  "Crash This Place"

8)  Matt Wertz*  ~  "Somebody's Gonna Love You"

9)  Matt McCoy  ~  "My Eyes Are Fixed On You"

(Video wouldn't load properly – here's the link:)

10)  Matthew Perryman Jones*  ~  "Stones From The Riverbed"

11)  Matt Hammitt (of Sanctus Real)  ~  "All Of Me"

12)  Matt Brouwer  ~  "Sometimes"

(Video wouldn't load – click the link below to view it:)

13)  Matt Thiessen (of Relient K)  ~  "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

Funny Restaurant Signs

I did a post similar to this one sometime last year, but these are pictures I've found since then that I thought you'd enjoy. Of course, my appropriately snarky comments – obligatory though they may be – are included with each picture.  ~  JH

You can't accuse these folks of false advertising. But they double-
dog-dare you to come try their food and prove them wrong.

I don't know about you, but coffee 
sometimes makes me break farts.

Apparently, linoleum is a delicacy in some parts of the world.

Wow! That's going to be a long drive-thru line!

You gotta hand it to them. They know their clientele.

I don't know, I don't think I'll apply. I've heard that 
SpongeBob SquarePants really runs a tight ship.

Your dung will not be my supper. Thanks for the offer, but no...

As long as you don't mind spending 20 years or so in jail.


An interior shot of Potty's, perhaps?

This would probably appeal to some people.
Especially if it were all-you-can-eat "soup."

And you thought Potty's Restaurant was bad?

I don't really want a side of Russians. 
How about a side of Argentinians instead?

Because everything's better with bacon. Even ice.

They call it how they see it. Or how they bake it, rather.

This is not something I'd want to try. Ever. 
Let me say that again. EVER.

We made your food so fast, we don't even
remember what we put in it. OOPS!!

I wonder if the cow was farm-raised or wild-caught?
Because that makes a big difference to me.

Yes, I'd like the fried flounder with a
side of tugboat. Hold the pickles, please!

Oh least the showers are cold.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Songs By Ladies Named Maggie

There's no particular reason why I decided to do this post, other than the fact that I stumbled upon a lovely song by a singer named Maggie on YouTube and thought: "I've got to find some way to include that in a post." And it just snowballed from there. I won't tell you which song inspired the post, because any of these is good enough to have done so on its own. Anyway, there's only 12 songs this time, so I didn't go too overboard like I usually do. Enjoy!  ~  JH

1)  Maggie Sajak  ~  "First Kiss"  (Yes, this is Wheel Of Fortune host Pat Sajak's daughter)

2)  Maggie Reilly  ~  "Every Time We Touch"

3)  Maggie Rose  ~  "Better"

4)  Maggie McClure  ~  "Good Morning And Good Night"

5)  Maggie MacNeal  ~  "When You're Gone"

6)  All About Maggie  ~  "Spin Your Lies"

7)  Maggie Gabbard  ~  "Just Wait And See"

8)  Maggie Thorn  ~  "Gravel Road"

(Video wouldn't display properly – click link below:)

9)  Maggie Rogers  ~  "On The Page"

10)  Maggie Koerner  ~  "Cayute Woman"

11)  Maggie Bjorklund  ~  "Wasteland"  (Okay, so she's not a singer – but what an instrumentalist!)

12)  Maggie Malyn  ~  "Me And You"