Here's something different – or rather, something I haven't done in quite awhile. A picture post of some of the worst album covers you'll find anywhere. This post focuses specifically on Christian albums, but don't worry – I'll be "picking on" secular music in a similar post in the next few days or so. Prepare for hilarity! ~ JH
|I'm pretty you could shelter the whole flock in your hair.|
|It's the place to be. Farm livin' is the life for them. Land spreadin' out|
so far and wide. Keep Manhattan, just give 'em that Country Church.
|Whenever Benny forgets the words, Nola pulls a couple |
of hymnbooks out of her beehive and everything's fine.
|That's one heckuva beard that 12-year-old's got there. Fine plaid tie as well.|
|Shall we gather at the fireplace / The beautiful, the |
beautiful fireplace / Gather with the family at the
fireplace / That burns by the hearth of brick...
|Featuring the hit songs "Saturday Night Fever" and "Lady In Red"...|
|I've been waiting for Bobbi Jean White, The Ballew Sisters, and|
the Smitty Gatlin Trio to collaborate for years. This is so exciting!
|But you should be ashamed of that hairdo...and that dress, too!|
|Featuring the song "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth, And It Doesn't Move An Inch"|
|There's a touch of floral print in there, too.|
Hey, Let's Exploit People With Disabilities!
|The Kid with the Lazy Eye|
|The Guy with No Arms or Legs (Admiring a Floating Jesus)|
|The Kid with the Gland Problems (or the Cheeseburger Addiction)|
|Three Blind Girls, Three Blind Girls, Hear How They Sing!|
|The Handless Organist has an actual name? Nah, this is way more catchy...|
|The Singing Midget (Poor lil guy...)|
|And lest you assume that Lowell was a one-hit wonder...|
We Can't Count, But We Love The Lord!
|I count five, but what do I know?|
|Jimbo there on the left stepped into the frame at the last second, and|
well, we ran out of film, so we just let it go. At least he matched us...
|Show me: "Break the bread."|
|Then you won't want to hear what happened to your dog, either, will you?|
|I'm sorry, what????|
|Cheery thoughts from Dr. Billington...|
|Is this a sermon, or a secret confession?|
|Alright already! We're listening, Bob!|
|I could be wrong, but I don't think that's what He looks like...|
It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...
|He's real, and he's standing right behind you! Ahhhh!!!!|
|What's Ed doing with his other hand? It better not be something wonderful!|
|Careful with that double-guitar thingamajigger there, David, you|
don't want folks to be thinking you're one of those rock-and-rollers!
|"Soul Man" – ha, ha, I see what they did there. It's still weird, though.|
|"Talk about sin, I ain't into that / Talk about trouble, yo, I been through|
that / Talk about truth, now I'm into that / But don't talk about my
God, I ain't into that..." – Okay, so I made that up, but still...
|This must be an acid-trip cover version of the Click |
Kids' song (see above). To which I say, "Far out, man!"
|And parents of toddlers everywhere call their therapists and|
set up an appointment for their unsuspecting progenies...
|Oh no, not again!|
|However, I'm afraid you'll have to leave your plaid jackets here.|
|I'm pretty sure the one in the pink isn't rejoicing – she's constipated.|
|An actual song title from this album: "If You Were To Die Tonight,|
Because I Killed You, Do You Know For Certain That You'd Go
To Heaven?" Seriously, you can't make this stuff up!
|"Hi, it's Jerry. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll just leave a|
message after the tone, I'll make sure that God gets right back with you."
|I'm struggling with thanking You for the mosquitoes, though.|
|There is an appalling lack of daylight between these four gentlemen's bodies!|
|Lay the hammer down on them heathens! Piledriver them wretched sinners!|
|Unfortunate face painting. A "hit" song called "I Want A Walmart Girl."|
This is undoubtedly the worst kind of Christian metal band imaginable.
|Gettin' cuddly with a dummy. Amen to that!|
Just Plain Creepy...
|I have a request for you, Ken. Get a haircut, hippie!|
|There are no words...|
|Come to the chapel. We have some tasty Kool-Aid waiting for you!|
|Shooting your album cover in the Brady Bunch's house: Genius!|
That all-suede-leather outfit and creepy grin: Not so much.
|How geeky the Hofers art. Just saying....|
|It would be even more special if even one of these |
guys was wearing a jacket in his actual size.
|If this androgynous creature is "God's Best," then we're all in trouble!|