Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Embarrassingly Bad Album Covers – Christian Music Edition

Here's something different – or rather, something I haven't done in quite awhile. A picture post of some of the worst album covers you'll find anywhere. This post focuses specifically on Christian albums, but don't worry – I'll be "picking on" secular music in a similar post in the next few days or so. Prepare for hilarity!  ~  JH

Hallelujah Hairdos

I'm pretty you could shelter the whole flock in your hair.

It's the place to be. Farm livin' is the life for them. Land spreadin' out
so far and wide. Keep Manhattan, just give 'em that Country Church.

Whenever Benny forgets the words, Nola pulls a couple
of hymnbooks out of her beehive and everything's fine.

That's one heckuva beard that 12-year-old's got there. Fine plaid tie as well. 

Shall we gather at the fireplace / The beautiful, the
beautiful fireplace / Gather with the family at the
fireplace / That burns by the hearth of brick...

Featuring the hit songs "Saturday Night Fever" and "Lady In Red"...

I've been waiting for Bobbi Jean White, The Ballew Sisters, and
the Smitty Gatlin Trio to collaborate for years. This is so exciting!

But you should be ashamed of that hairdo...and that dress, too!

Featuring the song "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth, And It Doesn't Move An Inch"

There's a touch of floral print in there, too.

Hey, Let's Exploit People With Disabilities!

The Kid with the Lazy Eye

The Guy with No Arms or Legs (Admiring a Floating Jesus)

The Kid with the Gland Problems (or the Cheeseburger Addiction)

Three Blind Girls, Three Blind Girls, Hear How They Sing!

The Handless Organist has an actual name? Nah, this is way more catchy...

The Singing Midget  (Poor lil guy...)

And lest you assume that Lowell was a one-hit wonder...

We Can't Count, But We Love The Lord!

I count five, but what do I know?

Jimbo there on the left stepped into the frame at the last second, and
well, we ran out of film, so we just let it go. At least he matched us...

Oddball Sermons

Show me: "Break the bread."

Then you won't want to hear what happened to your dog, either, will you?

I'm sorry, what????

Cheery thoughts from Dr. Billington...

Is this a sermon, or a secret confession?

Alright already! We're listening, Bob!

I could be wrong, but I don't think that's what He looks like...

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...

He's real, and he's standing right behind you! Ahhhh!!!!

What's Ed doing with his other hand? It better not be something wonderful!

Careful with that double-guitar thingamajigger there, David, you
don't want folks to be thinking you're one of those rock-and-rollers!

"Soul Man" – ha, ha, I see what they did there. It's still weird, though.

"Talk about sin, I ain't into that / Talk about trouble, yo, I been through
that / Talk about truth, now I'm into that / But don't talk about my
God, I ain't into that..." –  Okay, so I made that up, but still...

This must be an acid-trip cover version of the Click
Kids' song (see above). To which I say, "Far out, man!"

And parents of toddlers everywhere call their therapists and
set up an appointment for their unsuspecting progenies...

Oh no, not again!

However, I'm afraid you'll have to leave your plaid jackets here.

I'm pretty sure the one in the pink isn't rejoicing – she's constipated.

An actual song title from this album: "If You Were To Die Tonight,
Because I Killed You, Do You Know For Certain That You'd Go
To Heaven?" Seriously, you can't make this stuff up!

"Hi, it's Jerry. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll just leave a
message after the tone, I'll make sure that God gets right back with you."

I'm struggling with thanking You for the mosquitoes, though.

There is an appalling lack of daylight between these four gentlemen's bodies!

Lay the hammer down on them heathens! Piledriver them wretched sinners!

Unfortunate face painting. A "hit" song called "I Want A Walmart Girl."
This is undoubtedly the worst kind of Christian metal band imaginable.

Gettin' cuddly with a dummy. Amen to that!

Just Plain Creepy...

I have a request for you, Ken. Get a haircut, hippie!

There are no words...

Come to the chapel. We have some tasty Kool-Aid waiting for you!

Shooting your album cover in the Brady Bunch's house: Genius!
That all-suede-leather outfit and creepy grin: Not so much.

How geeky the Hofers art. Just saying....

It would be even more special if even one of these
guys was wearing a jacket in his actual size.

If this androgynous creature is "God's Best," then we're all in trouble!


  1. I love all those photos of men in 1970s leisure suits next to women with 1960s hairstyles. And you know that every one of those albums dates to the 1980s, because Christians tend to be at least a decade behind, style-wise!

  2. Thank you, thank you for this. I am a heathen and this makes me happy. hehehehe

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  4. Is Bruno Maltise one of H.P.Lovecraft's Deep Ones?