"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes,
and six months later you have to start all over again!"
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw
that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die
they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry.
I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore.
I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on
planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things.
To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day
I was born, you know, about diapers or something."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over,
He would have put diamonds on the floor."
"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him
I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus
– that way, I'd visit him every day."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made."
"Thank God we're living in a country
where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late,
and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately
my stomach covers them."
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a
woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she's a tramp."
"Never floss with a stranger."
"I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my
Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent."
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals.
She thought we just fought in World War Eleven."
"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't
make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
AND THIS ONE PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP...
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."