I don't know about you, but I'm not overly excited about our choices
for presidential candidates this time around. I, for one, think we
deserve better options. Here are 20 possibilities I've come up with...
So, it seems that Donald Trump is a legitimate frontrunner.
For some strange reason. But if loud, brash, insulting, and
utterly insensitive isn't your thing, maybe we should
nominate a different Donald. Ladies and gentlemen,
the next President of the United States of America...
DONALD DUCK!
Okay, okay, I know we can't actually elect an
animated character to be our next President.
Plus, Trump has already spent all that money
having those signs printed with his surname
emblazoned on them. So how about nominating
a different Trump? Maybe, The Donald's ex-wife?
After all, she's proven to be smart enough not
to be married to him anymore. Ladies and
gentlemen, your next President...
IVANA TRUMP!
Okay, maybe she's not our best option, either.
But, in my opinion, we can do a lot better than
the other candidates who are currently running.
Ted Cruz, in particular, comes to mind. Instead, why
not nominate an anthropomorphic stuffed bear?
Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present...
TED THE BEAR!
I guess you're right. We can't have a foul-mouthed, glorified
puppet leading our country. If we wanted that, we'd just
elect The Donald. But a different Cruz, perhaps? How about
someone who doesn't look like a larger-than-life weasel?
How about a bonafide beauty like...
PENELOPE CRUZ!
Oh, I forgot about her having been born in Spain and all.
She is therefore disqualified. Ooh, ooh, I know the perfect
person for the job. It's everyone's favorite Scientologist...
TOM CRUISE!
Just kidding! He's a lunatic! We can do better.
I have a brilliant idea! What about a world-
famous explorer who's only been dead for
692 years or so? Ladies and gentlemen...
MARCO POLO!
Hmm, a bag of bones as the leader of the free world?
Nah, we've been there before. It didn't go well.
But I'm not so sure about Marco Rubio, either.
What about a different Rubio? One who can sing?
Here she is, your next President...
PAULINA RUBIO!
What? She was born in Mexico? This is becoming a pattern.
I've got it! We've had a history of solid Presidents named John.
But maybe you're not a fan of Kasich. How about everybody's
favorite middle-class dad, who actually cleans up nice in a suit?
Ladies, gentlemen, boys, and girls, we proudly present...
JOHN GOODMAN!
Okay, maybe the whole actor-turns-President thing has been done
before. Maybe we need a fresh approach. So if you don't like
John Kasich, but you like the sound of his name, what about a
name that rhymes with Kasich? Also an actor, true, but a woman,
and many folks are clamoring to elect our first female President.
If you're seeking the perfect candidate, look no further than...
SISSY SPACEK!
No? Okay, I'll keep trying. Maybe you don't like Jeb Bush,
but you could really get behind somebody as President whose
name is Jeb? How about a proven leader and national (?)
hero who's only been dead for 152 years? Yes, boys and girls, it's...
JEB STUART!
Alright, so I'm chock full of bad ideas today. But stick
with me – I'm not done yet! Since ol' Jeb Bush has
probably already spent beaucoup bucks printing up
his signs, why not elect a Bush who hasn't
already been President? Yes, I'm talking about you...
KATE BUSH!
Oh, yeah. British-born. My bad! Okay, let's say you
like Ben Carson, but are a little wary of his ability
to lead. Then what you need is a true leading man.
A man who's even portrayed Batman, for Pete's sake.
Ladies and gentlemen, your next United States President...
BEN AFFLECK!
A little too liberal for your tastes? I get that. Okay, let's regroup.
So, we've got a Carson running. If we invested a little money
in Sharpies, we could scratch out the "Ben" on all of his signs
and scribble in a new surname at the bottom and we wouldn't
even have to print up new materials. Let's "Heal. Inspire.
Revive." And elect, as our next Chief Executive...
CARSON PALMER!
That's true. Former football players don't exactly have a good
track record as Presidents. (I'm talking to you, Gerald Ford!)
But, really, does anyone want Jim Gilmore to be their President?
I can answer that. NO! But "President Jim" does have a nice ring to
it. What about another outside-the-box choice. Yes, indeed, it's...
JIM PARSONS!
Maybe not? Okay, let me think. Well, even though he's polling
at the absolute rock-bottom of the pack, Gilmore most likely
has had at least a few signs printed. Maybe we could just
repurpose those by nominating – in an unprecedented move –
a pair of candidates. Ladies...and other ladies, it's the...
GILMORE GIRLS!
Nah, that'd just be too confusing. Mmkay, let's say you don't like
Hillary Clinton. Because, really, who in their right mind does?
(I'm just kidding...sort of.) But you like the idea of both electing
a woman President, and one named Hillary (or Hilary – we aren't picky
about silly things like spelling, right?). The obvious alternative is...
HILARY SWANK!
Alright, I'm almost done. This picking-a-President thing
is harder than it looks. Let's say you were a fan of Bill
Clinton, but don't view Hillary anywhere nearly as
fondly. And let's say, coincidentally, you are also a
huge fan of funk music. Perhaps there is a compromise
to be found here. You could have your Clinton AND
keep your funk! You know where I'm going with this. Yep...
GEORGE CLINTON!
No? Okay, alright, give me a second. Okay. So
you want to start a political revolution, but you
don't want to hire a socialist to lead you. What do
you do? Clearly, you need a strong leader in times
like these. A Lion among men. The man for the job is...
BARRY SANDERS!
Yes, I do remember what I said a few minutes ago about
football players and the Presidency. Moving on. Maybe
we need a President with an honorary military title. One
who really knows his stuff. One who can cater his own
political rallies with the best fried chicken in the land.
If, in your book, chicken and politics do mix, then
the obvious choice for your next President is...
COLONEL SANDERS!
Okay, I hear what you're saying. But we're talking about fried
chicken. Fried! Chicken! But I digress... Maybe you "feel the
Bern," but you're not feeling Sanders. Maybe you don't really
give a hoot about politics and we could be led by some dead
guy for all you care. Well, apathetic, apolitical person, I have
found your next President. All you have to do is get up off
your lazy butt and cast your vote...for the one and only
BERNIE LOMAX!
You're welcome.
