Suzy Sunshine was a happy child. She had two parents who loved her, and three wonderful brothers who never mistreated her or caused her a moment's grief.
At school, Suzy had many friends -- the guys admired her, but did not fawn over her; the girls enjoyed her company, but did not envy her. Her teachers loved her, because she always paid attention in class, always put forth her best effort, and always earned good grades. Her intelligence was superior to most, though she never flaunted the fact.
Good fortune followed Suzy into adulthood. After high school, she attended a premier university on a full academic scholarship, and graduated magna cum laude in only three and a half years. Upon graduating, she immediately secured a well-paying job in her chosen field, and began her sure-to-be-brilliant career.
Indeed, Suzy Sunshine had the world on a string, and was often known to sit on rainbows (when unicorns were unavailable).
Danny Danger was from The Wrong Side Of The Tracks, a place where everybody, including the cops and their mothers, had a criminal record; a place where the population dwindled a little more each day, starting when the sun went down. Danny had a mother who barely acknowledged his existence (only when she was aware of her own, which wasn't often) and a long string of stepfathers, only one of which (the 12th stepdad, he thought) was worth getting to know. And that one had died under mysterious circumstances, while bathing with the toaster.
Danny started drinking the year after he took up smoking. He wasn't sure exactly how old he was at the time, but it was probably the year he started kindergarten. The past was a little hazy. Probably from all the drugs he took in middle school. He quit school as soon as he turned sixteen -- he was in seventh grade at the time. There wasn't much point in continuing anyway -- he'd already broken every rule in the book and set the record for most suspensions in a single school year. What else was there left to shoot for?
When school was a thing of the past, Danny moved on to bigger and better things. That is to say, crime. He would try anything once, and often did at least twice. Grand larceny, driving while impaired, cat burglary, vandalism, jaywalking -- you name it, he'd done it, and enjoyed every minute of it. Danny was bad news and he knew it -- if you couldn't tell it by looking in his eyes, you could look about a foot and a half below them and read his shirt, which stated simply, "I'M BAD NEWS!"
Indeed, Danny Danger was trouble of the highest order, and was often known to beat dead horses (when dead unicorns were unavailable).
One fine day in the merry, merry month of May, Suzy Sunshine was walking in the park, enjoying the brilliant sunlight peeking through the trees, feeling the breeze whip her long, lustrous hair in a halo about her head, and humming a happy tune about bunny rabbits.
Danny Danger was cutting through a narrow path in the trees, swiftly and without any unnecessary sounds, so as not to give away his position. He knew that the surprisingly agile, middle-aged woman whose purse and Volvo he had stolen would be gaining on him, and Danny wasn't particularly in the mood to return to prison today. He had only been out a couple of days, and freedom was nice, though a guy still had to make a living and get around town somehow.
As Danny reached the clearing he had been rapidly approaching, he hadn't seen Suzy skipping toward him from the opposite direction. By the time he saw her, it was too late to avoid the collision. They ran headlong into each other, skull cracking uncomfortably against skull, before both collapsing in a conjoined heap of tattooed arms (his), smooth legs (hers), and designer handbags (both), and sinking into mutual unconsciousness.
I can't think of anything to write about. I have some ideas but I don't feel like putting in the effort to prepare them. I have better things to do, like nothing at all. Must be the weekend.
Pardon my stream of consciousness. Thoughts rolling around my head without rhyme or reason. Maybe I could write about...no, that's boring. Or what about...no, I've done that before.
Updates! Nobody wants to read them, but at least I'm saying something. Which is slightly better than saying nothing.
Went to the gym today. That's 12 times in the last 3 weeks alone. Not alone -- Mary's been going too, every time in fact. Alone, as in merely. In merely 3 weeks, 12 trips. That's pretty good, I think. Lifted a total of 12,000 pounds today. That's probably approximately two of some large wild animal, but I don't feel like looking it up. Let's see, if last week's total (13,600 lbs.) was two White Rhinoceroses, then this week could be two White Rhinoceroses if one of them is on a diet.
Speaking of diets, I'm still on one myself. At last check, I was down 12 pounds on the year. Only 50 more to go! Slowly but surely. Hopefully. Tonight, though, fish sticks and French fries. Happy "cheating"! Must be the weekend.
Still reading War And Peace while working out at the gym. Have gotten 11% of the way through it so far. Would have gotten farther, but I'm also reading an autobiography of David "Big Papi" Ortiz (baseball player); a true crime book about the Green River Killer; a young adult book about a teenage princess and her talking tiara; a British adventure/thriller novel; and also, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. What can I say, I can't stay focused on any one book at a time for too long.
I can't think of anything else to say. At least this was short. And so is the weekend. So that's it. Yeah, I know. Sorry.
Music is a funny thing. It can get you going or mellow you out. It can even change your mood. For some people, like me, it can also inspire you.
Therefore, it's important to be careful what kind of music you allow to be a part of your life. I have to admit, I'm not always careful enough. I have tons and tons of good, positive music. And I have some not-so-positive music. I listen to plenty of good, God-honoring Christian music. And sometimes I don't.
Don't get me wrong – I'm not saying that I listen to complete rubbish, although I easily could. But sometimes I feel like listening to music by so-called "secular" artists, and I do. I'm not here to condone or condemn any music that's not Christian. I'm just being honest, which is sort of the point.
That being said, I do recognize that I am more likely to be in a better frame of mind and more at peace in my soul when I'm listening to music that speaks to my soul.
I don't know who's reading this right now.
Maybe you're older, and when you hear bits and pieces of "modern" music, whatever the style, you simply roll your eyes, hit the "Seek" button on the radio, or the "Channel" button on your TV, because it holds no interest for you whatsoever. It all sounds like a bunch of noise, you think.
Maybe you're younger, a teenager perhaps, and you hear today's popular music on a regular basis – whether you own it and play it on your mp3 player, or you hear it at your friends' house, or watch music videos on TV, or whatever. Maybe you like some of this music, even though you know the lyrics, or the content of the videos, or the artists themselves are questionable, if not downright immoral. Maybe you don't care if it's "bad" or not.
Maybe you're the parent of teenagers, or even younger children, and you're concerned about the negative influences that some of today's music is having, or will potentially have on your child's life. Maybe you know they're listening to it, and you think: What harm could it do, it's just music, right? Maybe they're listening to it when you're not around, and it's affecting the way they think, feel, or behave.
Maybe you're of the belief that only one kind of music is any good, and that's Christian music. And only one kind of Christian music is good, and that's Southern gospel, or hymns, or Christian contemporary music, or you-fill-in-the-blank. You're entitled to that opinion, of course, and maybe you're right. Or maybe you just don't realize that there are good, Godly alternatives to today's "secular" music because you've never been exposed to them, or because you've summarily dismissed them as "copycats" of worldly music.
Whichever category best fits you as you're reading this, I hope you will listen to the songs in the video links below, and will do so with an open mind. If you're the "anything-that-ain't-a-hymn-is-sinful" person, maybe these will convince you otherwise (or maybe not). If you're a parent, perhaps you'll find something here that your child may enjoy that will edify them and enrich their lives. If you're a teenager, and you think that no kind of Christian music could EVER be as good as what you're listening to now, maybe you'll be surprised at what you hear. If you're older, and it's all just noise to you, maybe these will just prove what you already believed (or maybe they won't).
I picked these songs in particular for their strong lyrical content, their superior music quality, and for the artists themselves, all of whom I would consider good role models for Christian young people today. You might disagree on one or all of these points for the songs below. But I sincerely hope that you will at least give them a chance.
1) Flame ~ "Move" – So, maybe you or your kid likes the crazy-sounding, hip-hop ramblings of rapper Lil Wayne, although I'm not really sure why anyone likes him. Here's a healthy alternative that doesn't have to be bleeped every five seconds for curse words. It doesn't have to be bleeped at all, in fact. However, it is very explicit in its message about obedience to God, no matter the consequences. Listen as Flame implores you: "Hey, here's an idea / Why don't you go and forgive? / Why don't you go and repent? / Turn from your sin and enlist / Yes, I know it's hard, though / Plus, I understand it / But Jesus said, 'If you love Me, then you'll keep My commandments..."
2) PRo feat. Andy Mineo ~ "In His Image" – Maybe you (or they) prefer the adept but foul-mouthed lyricism of Eminem or Kanye West. Well, you won't find any foul language here, but you will find plenty of truth. Listen as PRo and his pal Andy Mineo tell us: "The simple fact that Creation is so creative / Is an exclamation point to this statement / It's amazing, so amazing / If you got low self-esteem, well, this should change that / There's traces of divinity up in your frame, fam / So love God, love people, and thoroughly hate sin..."
3) Sir-Viva & Result ~ "Lost In Love" – I don't really have a comparative artist for this duo, but I do love listening to their music. Their recent album, "Heart Condition", from which this song originates, presents a clear picture of the sickness of our hearts before and up until we come to a saving knowledge of Christ. This song demonstrates the principles about Godly love from I Corinthians 13 more clearly than I have heard in any other song. Straight out of Scripture, they proclaim: "Love bears all things / Love believes all things / Love hopes all things / Love endures all things / Let's get lost in love..." I'll warn you, that chorus will get stuck in your head for awhile. But there are lots worse things to get stuck in your head, I suppose.
4) Lecrae feat. Andy Mineo ~ "Background" – Lecrae is, by far, one of the most popular and successful Christian rappers out there right now. It's his accessibility – you don't necessarily have to like rap to enjoy his music – and his blatantly Christian lyrics, as well as his unashamed lifestyle that seem to set him apart from the rest. In this, one of Lecrae's best songs, he talks to God openly and honestly: "I had a dream that I was captain of my soul / I was master of my fate – lost control and then I sank / So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes / All these folks who follow me [are] gonna end up in the wrong place / So let me shadow You, let me trace Your lines / Matter of fact, just take my pen – here, You create my rhymes..."
OK, so maybe you (or they) aren't into hip-hop or rap at all. That's cool; that's perfectly understandable. Maybe you (or they) prefer pop stars like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Beyonce, or Rihanna. While these ladies are all very accomplished in what they do, none of them are what most would consider a good "role model". But here are a few ladies who are:
5) V. Rose ~ "Not So Average" – This young lady knows that image isn't everything, and isn't ashamed to put herself on the back burner in order to glorify her King. She sings: "The only way to shine like a star / Is to realize whose you are / You were created to go far / It really doesn't matter what you look like / If you have Jesus on the inside / He's everything that you need in your life..."
6) Beckah Shae ~ "#putyourloveglasseson" – Beckah Shae excels at producing catchy, upbeat songs that you could dance to (if you were so inclined), very much in the vein of Lady Gaga, minus all the blatant sexual references and imagery. Admittedly, there's not quite as much substance to the lyrics of this song as some of the others here, but the message is positive and it's clear. "Keep truth seeking, listen to wisdom speaking, catch His heartbeat, and see the world through God's eyes!"
7) Britt Nicole ~ "The Lost Get Found" – Here's another young artist who's unashamed about her faith. Her music is light and poppy, but always grounded in truth. She implores the listener to: "Don't let your lights go down / Don't let your fire burn out / Somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe / Why don't you rise up now? / Don't be afraid to stand out / That's how the lost get found..."
8) Kerrie Roberts – "Outcast" – Christian young people who aren't afraid to take a stand for their faith will often face ridicule, bullying, or even be ostracized in some settings because of it. This song encourages them (and you) to be okay with not being like everybody else. Comparable in style to an artist like Katy Perry, Kerrie boldly proclaims here: "I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want / But let me tell you what, I know who I am / So just throw me out for not fitting in / I will stand my ground and be an outcast!"
True confession: I don't swim too well. I know how. I try hard. But I sink every time. Either that, or I swim crooked.
I'm fine as long as I can hold on to the side of the pool – if I'm in a pool, that is. But when I attempt to swim across the pool – from the shallow side, across the deep end, to the other shallow side – I had better make it all the way, because if I stop anywhere in the middle, I'm going to sink.
I'm not really sure why this is the case. Because I'm bottom-heavy, perhaps? Maybe I have no natural buoyancy. Maybe I'm a freak of nature. I don't know.
I can't swim straight, either. The truth of the matter is that I swim in semi-circles. Maybe sometimes in the figure of a question mark. Never an exclamation point. I don't know why that is. I try to go forward. That's both the goal and the intention. But I always end up halfway back where I started. It's kind of hilarious to watch, at least from what I'm told.
When it came time for me to take the swim test in college – often (if not always) a requirement to graduate – I couldn't even attempt it. I had to take an elective health class which basically ended up being Remedial Swimming. I had to relearn everything I'd been taught about swimming when I was a kid.
And still I sank. And I still couldn't swim straight. I really did give it my best effort, but my body simply didn't cooperate. I passed Remedial Swimming, but I'm not sure I ever did pass that swim test. Maybe they felt sorry for me. Maybe I did enough halfway-across-the-pool laps that I reached the required number of full laps. Maybe they just got tired of seeing me fail and moved me along.
I don't care, really. It's slightly embarrassing, and would become quite an inconvenience if I was ever on a boat that capsized and there were no life preservers. But it is what it is. I'm not a swimmer.
I could make some profound point here, about how trying and trying but always failing is a metaphor for life. Or I could use this analogy to demonstrate that it's okay not to be able to do something, as long as you give it your best. But that's just trite nonsense. There's no deeper meaning here. I just can't swim. That's all there is to say.
WAR AND PEACE UPDATE: I've done it. I've finally reached 10% of the book, which means I'm around Location 2900 on the Kindle, or page 98 of the printed version. I'm right at the beginning of Book Two (there are sixteen Books, or parts, that comprise the novel). This is almost where I gave up before. I'm not giving up this time. What's more, I don't even want to!
As shameful as it is to admit, I lie every day. Most of the time, I don't even think about it. Sometimes, I know that what I'm saying isn't entirely honest, but I'm saying it to be kind. Sometimes, I'm fully aware of my deception.
Before you cast stones, please understand that I'm not talking about earth-shattering, world-changing lies. I recognize that the severity of the lie doesn't make it any more or less a lie. No more than the severity of any other sin makes it any more or less a sin.
My intention here is to discuss the "everyday lies" that we may tend to gloss over, because we often don't perceive them to be what they really are – less than truthful. Yes, I said "we" – because, chances are, many of you are probably guilty of one or more of these on a regular basis yourselves.
So, here they are – the ones I could think of at least. So that it doesn't appear that I'm pointing fingers at anyone other than myself, I'll word my explanations from my own perspective. But I'm betting most of us are in the same boat on a few, if not all, of these.
1) "I'm fine." How easy it is to say "I'm fine", when the question is posed, especially in passing. I may be having the worst day of my life, or I may feel awful, or I may not even feel anything. But the question, from a friend or family member, or possibly a stranger seems to come so easily – "How are you doing?" – and the answer comes just as easily: "I'm fine." Maybe I'm saying it out of consideration for the other person's valuable time. I can see that they're just being polite – they don't actually care how I'm doing. They may not even know who I am. Why should I waste their time, or impose upon their politeness by replying, "Well, I think I'm having a nervous breakdown," or "My right foot hurts – I think my athlete's foot is flaring up again", or perhaps, "I really don't feel like talking to you, Total Stranger, but thank you for inquiring about the state of my well-being." But instead I say, "I'm fine."
2) "It's nothing." How often are simple arguments/discussions/ disagreements prolonged by the simple statement, "It's nothing"? I've often said it myself, usually when I don't feel like fighting with someone. Or I deem whatever the "nothing" is to be less important the energy I will expend in dealing with it, whether verbally, physically, or otherwise. "It's nothing" is probably one of the most transparent lies I will ever tell. Because if I'm visibly upset enough that you are asking me the question "What's wrong?", then it's obvious that "something" is bothering me, and it's not "nothing". Maybe the problem is an embarrassing one that I don't want to talk about. Or, like the previous scenario, I don't know the person who's asking me the question, and I figure it's none of their business anyway. Or maybe I feel like the "something" is "nothing" in comparison to other, more important "somethings" – like the War On Terror, for instance, or perhaps famine, or the rising cost of living. So I trivialize the "something" in my own mind, and simply say, "It's nothing."
3) "No, I don't mind." This lie is particularly disingenuous, yet it's most often fueled by simple kindness. Someone is in need – they ask for my help. My selfishness kicks in – I don't want to help them. They should help themselves, I think. And I'm a half-second away from telling them so, and then I realize my foolishness, come to my senses, and say "No, I don't mind." Maybe they're asking if I will help them move their things to their new apartment, or they're requesting special permission to miss drama practice, or maybe they just want that last fry on my plate. And sometimes I do mind. Sometimes I don't want to give up what I consider to be rightfully mine – whether it's my free time, my full cast, or my French fry. But I consider the alternative. If I were in this situation, and I was asking the same or similar request of someone else, and I was truly in need, what would I want their answer to be? And so I reply, "No, I don't mind."
4) "I'm sorry to hear that." This little white lie is the companion piece to "I'm fine," but carries its own set of embarrassing admissions. As easy as it is to answer "How are you doing?", it's just as easy to ask the same question. Every now and then, I get an honest reply from someone. "Not too good, actually. I've got this problem with so-and-so..." Or maybe the question I pose is, "How's your wife doing? And your kids?" And I'm "treated" to a lengthy outline of the problems you're having, whether it's your child who keeps getting sent to the principal's office for acting up in class, or it's the financial problems you're have due to mounting debt, or maybe even – God forbid! – marital issues that you're dealing with. And, while my mind may already have moved on to other subjects, other people, or to nothing in particular at all – I'm looking you in the eye, and nodding my head (or shaking it, whichever is more appropriate), and waiting for a break in the conversation so I can frown and say, "I'm sorry to hear that." Don't get me wrong – this is not something I do in every circumstance, or every conversation I have with friends or family members. Quite often, I truly care what's going on in the lives of people I like, or even love. But then sometimes I don't. And that's when it gets dicey. And I lie and say, "I'm sorry to hear that."
5) "It's okay. Really." This one is quite similar to "No, I don't mind", and not too dissimilar from "It's nothing". But I've separated it out for one specific reason. This is the lie that deals with forgiveness. Someone has wronged me, I feel slighted, maybe even hurt. And they're apologizing. I'm usually quick to forgive, but what they did this time really bothered me. And it's not okay. But they're expecting me to accept their apology, trusting them not to wrong me, or slight me, or hurt me again in the future. I don't trust people easily, and so I'm skeptical of the reasons behind their apology. And I'm hesitant to forgive. But then I think about all the ways in which I've wronged others, slighted them, and even hurt them. And I want to be forgiven. In some cases, I want to be forgiven without the embarrassment of having to apologize in the first place, as selfish as I know that sentiment to be. Then I think about the ways in which I've wronged my God, and slighted Him, and hurt Him. And all the times I've asked Him to forgive me. And He does, every time without fail. And I hang my head in shame, look into the pleading eyes of my brother or sister, and simply say, "It's okay. Really."
What do we do about these "everyday lies"? Do we think before we speak, every time we speak? Do we carefully consider whether or not honesty is, in fact, the best policy, in every case? Or do we tell the truth always, regardless of the consequences?
I don't have the answers. I think there probably aren't any easy answers. I'm just bringing up the question.
1) Strap me to a chair and force me to watch a marathon of The Brady Bunch. For a minimum of 12 hours. With no bathroom break. And no barf bag close at hand.
2) Lock me in a room packed floor-to-ceiling with crates of Dr. Pepper (the old-school glass bottle kind), and leave me without a bottle opener. I am also not allowed to possess any other tool by which I might conceivably open the bottles. It is important that the bottles not be the twist-top types, but must instead be the kind which can only be opened with a tool. In addition, the floor, ceiling, and walls of said room must be thickly padded with foam, to make it all the more difficult for me to smash the bottles.
3) Prepare a meal for me, consisting of large quantities of only the following foods: cucumbers, rutabagas, cottage cheese, raw celery, beef liver, chitterlings (aka chitlins), and chocolate-covered ants. If possible, blend all the ingredients together till they become a smooth paste. Then, spoon-feed this mixture to me over the course of a three-hour time frame, denying my repeated pleas for water and/or any other beverage which might tamp down the multiplicity of flavors assaulting my palate.
4) See #1 (above) and replace The Brady Bunch with any television show hosted by or featuring Rachael Ray. Or Anne Burrell. Or Sandra Lee. Or the Neelys. Or...well, you get the picture. Any annoying cooking show will do the trick.
5) Corner me at a social event and talk to me at length about cars. Be sure to include as many details about the most insignificant parts of the car and the ways in which you are able to repair them expertly. While you're on the subject, profess to me your undying love of NASCAR. Please specify your favorite drivers and why they are your favorites, as well as your least favorite drivers and why they are your least favorites.
6) Read me the latest stock exchange numbers from the Wall Street Journal. Indicate, for each one, why it is good or bad that the numbers are up or down, and what effect this will have on the economy. For ultimate effectiveness, bring along a financial adviser and have them explain in greater detail using the least number of common, everyday "layman's terms" possible.
7) Put on your favorite "death metal" CD in my presence, crank it up to maximum volume, and "sing" along. When the CD is finished playing, please insert your next favorite "death metal" CD and repeat the process until you have played your entire collection for me.
8) Force me to read a story written entirely in "textese". Make sure it includes as many occurrences of the following "words" as possible: "2moro", "l8r", "ur", "c-ya", "ne1", and "ROTFL". Please ensure, prior to selecting the story, that it is a minimum of 20 pages in length, and contains no actual fully-spelled-out words.
9) See #1 (above) and replace The Brady Bunch with any show involving four-year-old beauty pageant contestants and their emotionally unstable, living-vicariously-through-their-children, possibly psychotic mothers. Need I say more on this one?
10) Take me hunting. Insist that I shoot an animal. Then make me "dress" it. Because anyone who knows me will testify that I love hunting. With a passion!
WAR AND PEACE UPDATE: I'm on page 78 of the printed version, which is Location 2400 on the Kindle, and that means I'm now roughly 8% finished. I could be going faster, but I'm reading, like, six books at once currently, so it's slow-going. But I'll get there. Guaranteed!
Awhile back, last year in fact, I decided to click the "Random Article" button on Wikipedia.org to see what useless information I might be able to learn. The result? I actually learned quite a bit. Have I used any of this "knowledge" since then? Maybe not. But who's to say what's "useless" and what's not?
So here I am, going to that same well again, seeking nuggets of knowledge to file away in my brain -- and yours too. Lucky you.
1) The Dusky Grass-skipper, or Thyrrus Skipper(fancy-schmancy Latin name: Toridia thyrrhus) is a pretty weird-looking butterfly, part of the Hesperiidae family -- whatever that means. You won't find them around here. In fact, unless you find yourself in Queensland, Australia, you might never see one at all. So, here's a picture so you can say that you've seen one. Your life is now complete.
2) Wranglers Roost is a ghost town located in Maricopa County, Arizone, ear the town of New River. Wranglers Roost was once a stagecoach. Some of the original buildings used by the stagecoach drivers are still standing, including a jail cell where prisoners were boarded while the stagecoach drivers rested. Sounds like the perfect setting for an old Clint Eastwood or John Wayne movie. Here's a picture of the "town" these days. Doesn't look like much to me.
3) Franz Anton Mesmer (May 23, 1734 – March 5, 1815), was a German physician with an interest in astronomy, who theorized that there was a natural energetic transference that occurred between all animated and inanimate objects that he called magnétisme animal (animal magnetism) and other spiritual forces often grouped together as mesmerism. The degeneration of Mesmer's ideas and practices led Scottish surgeon James Braid to develop hypnosis in 1842. Mesmer's name is the root of the English verb "mesmerize". Well, that's interesting. Truly. Here's a portrait of Ol' Franzie -- ugly sucker, wasn't he?
4) The reverse-process indoor wood burning stove is a non-catalytic airtight heater. Employing a unique reverse process whereby it not only draws exterior air in to the wood stove for combustion, thus eliminating interior drafts, it also releases fresh outside air into the room through a rear-mounted plenum, where it is heated before entering the premises. This initiates a healthy fresh air exchange system, by introducing oxygen-rich air in to the building. The innovation by Jan Steen started as the Chinook, but later became known as the Sunrise wood stove. What have we learned? Well, I don't know what you got out of that, but I was completely lost. Good for Mr. Steen, though, he got his name in the history books. Well, at least he got mentioned on a Wikipedia page.
5) Kong Bukseløs (English translation: His New Grey Trousers) is a 1915 Danish silent film directed by Lau Lauritzen Sr. The film stars Oscar Stribolt as Paludan Plum; Carl Schenstrom as Adam Brink; Agnes Andersen as Bella; and Frederik Buch as En Skomagerdreng. I didn't even know Denmark made any silent movies. Random question: why do the characters in silent movies even need names? Isn't it mostly all driven by what we see anyway. Who cares what their names are? I know there's title cards that help tell the story, but I mean really -- who cares? Here's a still shot of a scene from the film:
There you have it. I encourage you to take your own trip through the wacky world of "Random Article" sometime. You never know what you'll find.
We've been making quite a habit of going to the gym here lately. And that's a good thing. Weight doesn't lose itself. Hard work is almost always required.
Unless you're one of those disgusting people who can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and never gain a pound. In which case, I probably hate you. Unless you are one of my friends. In which case, I don't hate you, but I do seriously resent you.
Mostly we've just been doing cardio exercises, like treadmills, ellipticals, recumbent bikes, and the like. Today, we decided to try out some of the weight-lifting machines.
Now, I'm one of those oddball kind of people who best recognizes success if I can quantify it.I like numbers. Not math, mind you, but statistics. When I've been working out on a recumbent bike, I take pride in the fact that I just pedaled 7.1 miles. If I were on an actual bike, I would have just pedaled halfway to Farmville (the real town, not the Facebook game).
So when I was using the various weight machines today, I started calculating in my head the total number of pounds I was lifting. My wife thought this was a bit pointless, and she may well have been right. But it made me feel successful. Twenty reps here at 50 pounds, and I've added another half-ton to my total.
By the time I was through, I had lifted a total of 13,600 pounds. I was impressed with myself, especially for the first time using the weight machines in a long time.
All told, I can honestly say that today I lifted the equivalent of three average-sized White Rhinoceroses. Not your typical thing to brag about, admittedly. But I'm not your typical guy. You have to admit, though -- it certainly sounds impressive.
Who knows, I may eventually work my way up to lifting six giraffes in one day! Or I could just say I lifted 25,000 lbs. Or I could just lift weights till I'm tired, and not quantify it -- you know, like normal people.
But normal isn't fun. And so I count...one White Rhinoceros, two White Rhinoceroses, three...
Today, for your amusement (or your bemusement? or your torture?), I offer you three – count them, three – of my more unusual poems. Don't hate – don't judge. They are what they are. Take them seriously. Or take them as I intended them: To make you smile...and maybe think...just a teeny bit.
"What The Blazes"
What the blazes do is wipe out the trees
Which makes the bears extremely unhappy
Then they come and pound on your tent
Requesting salmon – and maybe a warm blanket
Which it would be advisable to relinquish
Because no one wants to be the enemy of a bear.
What the fires do is burn down the mansions
Which makes the celebrities act almost human
Then they come and cry on your networks
Requesting sympathy – and maybe a new mansion
Which would be no problem really, and quite lucrative
Because everyone loves a great new reality show.
"Shucking Fit"
When I feel this way
Nothing really helps.
I try faking a smile
It makes my jaw hurt.
I try ignoring it
My wind wanders back.
I try to stay busy
I tire easily.
No, nothing really helps
Except shucking corn.
It's cheap therapy
And gets the blood flowing.
It's useful
And you can eat the results.
Sometimes I become obsessed
Tearing away the husks
As though they were the faces
Of my enemies
Exposing the goodness inside.
But that's an optimism
I'm not ready to accept.
So let me mix my metaphors in peace
And – shucking myself into a fit –
Gradually feel better.
"A Fish Out Of Brine"
If I were a fish,
A fish out of brine,
Would I lie on the counter
Wait for my demise –
Already effected,
Now pickled and canned?
If I were a fish,
Would I melt in your hand?
Or salted and deboned
And gutted throughout,
Would I melt, would I leave
A funny taste in your mouth?
I would if I were true
To my character.
PLUMBING UPDATE: They fixed the water leak all in one day! They only had to tear up one patio square!! And the whole thing's going to cost less than half the price they originally quoted us!!! I love using exclamation points!!!!
WAR AND PEACE UPDATE: I'm on page 60 of the printed version, or Location 1895 on the Kindle, which roughly equates to 6% complete overall. Not impressed yet? Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait! I'll conquer this wonderful monstrosity yet! Hey, I'm still enjoying it, and I've nearly reached the point where I gave up on it 20+ years ago!
