Short Story: "The Great One"

This longer piece is possibly my favorite story among all the ones that I've written. If I've done my job, you'll find this tale to be gently humorous, slightly oddball, and yes, even meaningful. I based one of the two main characters on my closest friend since childhood. However, this character is a fictionalized version, and any appearances to the actual "Don Juan Spiffy" are purely coincidental. The other main character is also based loosely on a real person, whose story I discovered in the pages of a National Geographic many years ago. Hope you enjoy it!


Our story begins in the only village of a small kingdom on a small island in Indonesia, not so very long ago...

Than Nam, the leader of the Coconut People, stood upon his purple mushroom throne, his ostrich-feather pen in hand, writing upon the Great Notepad. The words flowed from his pen with the authority of a king, or a god. To his people, he was both. These words were his commands. For Than Nam had not spoken in over seventy-two years.

"Let the good times roll!" wrote the Great Leader, and added, "Eat, drink, and be whoever you are."

The Coconut People bowed before Than Nam, and shouted simultaneously: "As you desire, O Great One!"

The festivities were intended to be a celebration of life. It was Bin Kai The Adequate's birthday, and a party was always in order on occasions such as these. But to Than Nam, the celebration was a sort of going-away party for his life, as he feared his own death was near. His years on earth had now totaled eighty-four. His once-frail body was now quite feeble. He had once stood tall, even though he had always been short. Now he was merely short.

Yet the uncertainty which Than Nam now felt was not because of his impending death; rather, he concerned himself with the question of who would succeed the throne and rule the living. Than Nam had outlived all of his rightful heirs. The only individual on the island who was almost royalty was Inikiki, whose mother had had a fling with the Court Jester.

With a sad heart and a heavy frown which accentuated the deep, numerous wrinkles in the old man's face, Than Nam scratched his bald head and sighed, knowing full well what must be done. He disappeared behind the stage where he had stood to signal the commencement of the day's festivities, and ran slowly to his Royal Tent.

Once inside, Than Nam sorted through the stack of junk mail he had received in the past two months. He tossed aside the unwanted magazines, the Publisher's Clearing House entry forms, and pleas for money transfers from remote locations in Nigeria in order to find the specific letter he sought. But he couldn't seem to find it anywhere.

A week and a half ago, among the piles of weekly fan mail he received from all over the world, Than Nam remembered reading a real eye-opener. It had come from a young American boy, and the proposition the boy had made was truly incredible.

Where was that letter?

After several hours of searching the small tent, Than Nam finally spotted the curious piece of mail, and opened it up.

In microscopically small handwritten cursive, the letter read:

"Dear Mr. Than Nam,
I saw your picture in an old copy of NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC and read all about you, and I was just wondering if you're still alive. If you are, I would just like to know if I could please have an autographed picture of you or one of the Coconut  People? I am collecting Dr. Pepper cans to take to my local recycling center so that I can earn enough money to come and visit you, possibly within the next 12 to 15 months or so. Oh yeah, and if you ever get tired of being 'The Man' over there, just let me know. I'd be glad to take over for you. Seriously!
Your fan,
Don Juan Spiffy"

Could the great Than Nam really relinquish all his power and rights as the Coconut People to some dumb kid? And an American kid, at that? Than Nam let the thought cross his mind, cross his eyes, and his fingers and toes. Perplexed and more than a little apprehensive, he knew what he must do. He would have to meet that kid.

********************

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in a lush green cornfield in Iowa, a wild-eyed, chubby American boy was sitting and thinking. The boy was nearly seventeen years old, but he appeared to be around forty. The boy often sat and thought here in the field. His parents thought he was a lunatic, and they might well have been correct in their thinking. But on this day, there was a purpose for his pondering.

The night before, he'd had an experience which was far too real to be ignored. The great Than Nam, the leader of the Coconut People – that oddly appealing, strange, and mysterious man whose picture he had cut out of an old magazine a year earlier – had appeared to the boy in a dream. 

Being mute by choice, the Great Leader, of course, did not utter a word. Instead, the old man simply floated on a pillow of air with his index finger extended, drawing smiley faces in the neighboring clouds.

Then suddenly the old man's expression changed. It now bore a grave, urgent stare; and with it, the gnarled fingers of the old man's hand turned round and beckoned the boy to come to him.

Still dreaming, the boy had stood and taken an actual step forward, and awakened suddenly as his head slammed into his bedroom wall.

The dream lingered in the boy's head, along with a sizable lump, and he tried in vain to decipher it. Why would such a great and powerful leader such as Than Nam take time out of his busy schedule to appear as a figment of some random kid's imagination?

An avid soda drinker, the boy had collected enough cans over the long summer that – in addition to a minuscule stash of cash he already possessed – he now had nearly enough funds to make the trip to Indonesia that he'd been planning. If only he could accomplish this task without his parents finding out.

Oh well, he figured, they'll find out about it in the newspaper if I die. The boy lacked common sense, but he more than made up for it in enthusiasm. Sort of.

At that moment, since he had already warmed up his brain with some serious thought, he decided to envision what it would be like to actually get the chance to succeed the great Than Nam. The boy irrationally considered the possibility that his crazy dream might somehow be a foreshadowing of things to come.

Imagine me, the boy thought, Don Juan Spiffy, the leader of the Coconut People!  It was certainly a tantalizing thought. What marvelous things he could do with such power and prestige! Imagine me, he thought again, living in the Royal Tent, scratching out my Royal Decrees on the Great Notepad with my Royal Ostrich-Feather Pen!

But that was enough thinking for one day. The mind is a terrible thing if you don't waste it a little.

********************

The Coconut People had been staring up at the sky all day long. Finally, around sunset, the airplane flew over and deposited its passenger. The people let out a collective gasp as they realized that the boy's parachute had failed to open. Than Nam's eyes widened in horror as he watched the future of his kingdom plummeting toward the rocks below at break-neck speed, destined to be crushed on impact.

A little less than four weeks ago, the Great Leader had contacted the American boy and had sent him a one-way plane ticket to the nearest airport. A charter plane would then take him the rest of the way to the island of the Coconut People.

The boy was overjoyed to have been chosen to succeed his hero, and was surprised to find that his parents actually didn't mind his leaving at all. They had always supported the boy's crazy whims, because as they said "it's just a part of growing up." The truth was that they had never really liked their son that much anyway.

Meanwhile, Than Nam's health had rapidly deteriorated. His fevers and coughing spells had become an everyday occurrence, as had his growing dependence on homegrown pain medicines. Sadly, the old man had lost nearly all sense of direction, time, and reality.

The Coconut People, upon hearing the news about the successor – an American kid, of all things! – were at first reluctant to submit to a new leader. After all, Than Nam had ruled them for their entire lives. But maybe things would work themselves out in the end. After all, here was the boy, falling from the sky toward certain death.

At the last possible moment, the bravest and most loyal of the Coconut People, Inikiki, stepped beneath the falling boy with his arms outstretched to catch him. The boy fell in precisely the right spot, but the force of the fall – coupled with the boy's prodigious weight – knocked Inikiki backward, snapping his body in half with a sickening crack.

As Don Juan Spiffy scampered to his feet, he turned and glanced at the mangled mass of arms, legs, head, and torso that had recently been Inikiki, and thanked the dead man for his sacrifice, bowing gracefully and sighing regretfully. Scattered whimpers of sorrow were heard throughout the crowd, but Than Nam knew that there was little time for weeping.

The Great Leader rushed over to his Great Notepad, and wrote. "To our revered visitor: The Coconut People and I are honored to have you grace us with your presence, and subsequently to take over our meager little kingdom. To The Coconut People: Go and bury Inikiki in the sea, and utter great words on my behalf in his honor. I must now converse with our next monarch."

"But," replied Don Juan Spiffy more humbly than was necessary, "I am not yet leader. I am only myself."

"Yes," wrote the old man, "but tonight I die. Tomorrow, you are leader."

The two briefly suspended their conversation and bowed their heads in respect as Inikiki's body was gathered up in a sack and dragged respectfully to the sea.

"But," replied the boy, "how can you know, O Great One, that you will die tonight?"

"I will kill myself." The letters of the words the old man had written seemed to sear a hole in the parchment paper of the Great Notepad.

"But you mustn't, great Than Nam, sir," pleaded Don Juan Spiffy. "You must first teach me of your ways. You must impart to me your lifetime of knowledge so that I, too, may be a great and wise leader."

"Greatness and wisdom," wrote Than Nam, "are worthless. All that matters is that you can pretend to be great, and that you can imagine yourself to be wise. If the people never notice, then they never need to know. All that matters is the appearance of wisdom and greatness."

"Are you truly great, O Great One? Are you truly wise?" The boy raised his eyebrows, a faint glimmer of hope and eagerness shining in his eyes.

"No," the old leader spoke aloud, and added, "that is why I have chosen you. One cannot pretend forever. One day it is time to move on. That day, that time, is now."

"You spoke!" the boy cried. "You spoke aloud! Why here, why now?"

"Why not?" Than Nam said. "But no one else must know of this. The Coconut People have lived their entire lives under my command, and they have never heard me speak. If they had, they would have heard the uncertainty in my voice. They would have sensed the quiver in my speech. They would know that I was pretending. They must never know."

"So," replied the boy, "Must I also not speak? Must I hold my tongue as you have done for so long?"

"That is entirely up to you," replied the ancient leader. "If you have nothing to hide – speak. If you are truly great – speak. If you are good at pretending – speak. But I must never speak."

The boy did notice a slight quiver in the old man's voice, and knew that the things he had said must all be true.

********************

That very night the feeble, sick old man took a bite of a special poisoned cookie in the presence of all his people and their soon-to-be new leader. Than Nam collapsed back onto the purple mushroom throne, sighed silently, and breathed his last breath.

There was much weeping, as the Coconut People mourned the death of their Great Leader, their wise and powerful king and god. Many more wept as Don Juan Spiffy himself carried the old man's body to the raft by the sea. The boy helped the people – his people now – cover the dead leader's body in flowers and shrubbery, and push the raft out to sea, never to be seen again.

********************

Over the next fifty years, Don Juan Spiffy ruled the Coconut People wisely and fairly. Not once did he disgrace the name of his people or that of their former leader. Throughout the world, he became known as the greatest and wisest leader of them all, even though his kingdom was among the smallest. And he spoke to his people in the clearest, most confident tones that a man could – for every word he spoke, he truly meant.

The Real Than Nam – this looks like the same picture I saw 

in NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC all those years ago; 

but that one was, of course, a lot less grainy and it was in color. 

That headband he's wearing is red, and his toga is mustard yellow. 

Another picture of the real Than Nam. His followers affectionately 

called him "Dao-Dua" – I don't know what that translates to in English.

5 Things I Should Probably Be Embarrassed About Or Ashamed Of...(But I'm Not!)

Okay, so I know I've been inundating you all with my fiction of late, and for those of you (which may be most of you) who don't like my stories, it's either been torture or you've tuned me out entirely. Hopefully, you're still here, though – if so, "Hi!" and "Thank you!"

There's a reason for all this story business – I'm hard at work editing and rewriting my old stories, and am actively mining for ideas for new stories in preparation for a short story collection I plan on putting together later this year. I need to have around 20 or so solid stories to make it worth the effort, and I'm not quite there yet. So bear with me as I test the waters by posting things I'm currently writing or rewriting. I won't put fiction posts up every day, I promise (although I likely will tomorrow).

So, to give you Readers a break from the torture of my fiction, I have come up with a short list of the things which I should probably be embarrassed to admit...but I'm not.


1)  Leaving My House Wearing A Ratty Old T-Shirt, Battered Crocs, And Bright Green Christmas-Themed Peanuts Sleep Pants To Pick Up Breakfast At A Drive-Thru.  Yeah, I did that this weekend. Last weekend, too. Ah, the poor folks at Hardee's and Bojangle's who had to be subjected to that hideous sight. But then again, they probably see a lot worse on a daily basis. At least I didn't go inside either establishment. After all, I have my pride. And my dignity. Sort of.


2)  Liking And Listening To Cheesy Pop Music That's More Commonly Enjoyed By Teenage Girls.  And I even sing along! Sure, music by artists like Taylor Swift, Colbie Caillat, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, and Paramore might be more geared toward the younger (predominantly female) set, but I can't help liking it. It's fun to listen to, and they're all very talented singers. (I've also been known to listen to Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and others of that ilk in my time, though not so much anymore.) I will, however, draw the line at Justin Bieber. I don't care for The Bieb or his music in the least, and I don't think I ever will.


3)  Playing Music So Loud That The Windows In My Mini-Van Rattle.  To clarify, I don't play the cheesy pop music that loud – I'm not that unembarrassed about it! This one more applies to whenever I'm listening to Christian rap music. If it's a song or an artist I like a lot, the louder the better! I know what you're thinking – I'm going to ruin my hearing. But it's too late for all that, as I'm sure my hearing's already half gone by now. I've been cranking my music up louder than is reasonable for as long as I can remember, and annoying tons of people along the way, I'm sure. So, if I pull up beside you at a stoplight and my bass is bumping too loud, and you roll your eyes or cut me a dirty look, I won't be offended – been there, done that.


4)  Watching Paranormal/Ghost Hunting TV Shows And Enjoying Them.  While I do believe in the supernatural – because God Himself is supernatural – I don't put a whole lot of stock in ghost-hunting or in spirits haunting people or locations. But it's sure entertaining to watch! There are a ton of these shows out there now, and I don't watch all of them. But I do like several of them for different reasons. There are the ones that intentionally try to scare you by adding jump cuts, erratic editing, creepy music, and sound effects. Those kinds of shows appeal to the horror movie aficionado in me. Then there are the ones where they take a more scientific approach to their ghost-hunting. Those are interesting to me, because the investigators are actively trying to debunk the paranormal phenomena as natural occurrences or human hoaxes. Sometimes they can, and sometimes they can't. There are other varieties of these shows that take a darker, more occultist tack toward their investigations, seemingly tracking down a new demon every week. I don't like those at all. For one thing, they're playing with fire, doing seances and fooling around with Ouija boards and the like. Demons are real – read your Bible – don't be stupid! For another, those shows seem to be more sensationally motivated than actually seeking any kind of truth about what they're investigating. I don't waste my time on those.


5)  Being Slightly Obsessed With True Crime TV Shows And Books.  I don't know why I have such a fascination for true crime. I just find real-life stories of horrible crimes terribly compelling. I'm especially captivated by books and shows that attempt to delve into the minds of serial killers. I've read books about all the major ones – Jack The Ripper, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, the Green River Killer, and etc. Ann Rule, a very famous true crime writer, is among my favorite authors to read. I'm not a criminal, nor do I ever aspire to be one. I'm not in law enforcement, nor have I ever seriously aspired to be in law enforcement. I can't explain the interest, but it's always been there. Even as a young teenager, I read these books and watched the shows. There's probably deep, twisted psychological reasons for it, though I've never been psychoanalyzed to find out for sure. (Probably not a bad idea.) It's probably why I also like horror movies/novels, and why some of my fiction is much darker than my actual personality. Who knows?



WAR AND PEACE UPDATE:  I'm 19% of the way through this gargantuan novel, but still (surprisingly enough) enjoying it thoroughly. I don't read it every day, just mostly when I go to the gym – which is roughly four times a week. Speaking of which...


WEIGHT UPDATE:  I'm now down 17 pounds for the year. It was 18 pounds the other day, but then came the fashion-challenged trip to Hardee's and another self-defeating trip to KFC yesterday, so the number is up just a little. Back to eating like a bird and working out today, I suppose.

Short Story: "George's Ashes"

Another oldie-but-goodie from my repertoire of short fiction pieces. Having recently rewritten it, I was tempted to make it less of a dark tale than it was originally intended to be. But that would defeat the whole point of the story, and rob it of much of its bleak irony. Love it or hate it -- it is what it is. Hope you'll enjoy it!

I'm sitting here debating whether or not George is worth a decent eulogy, or if I should simply stand up at his funeral and blurt out, "You all knew him. You know what he was like!"

That particular option may not be ideal, but then neither was giving me -- George's worst enemy in life -- the dreaded responsibility of delivering his eulogy. But, seeing as how no one in his family, except George himself, realized the extent of my hatred for him, I may have seemed to be the logical choice. After all, apart from his family, I was George's closest friend.

Back in high school, before George had made anything of himself, he and I got along fairly well. We played on the same sports teams together. We were both on the high school drama team. We may have even double-dated a few times -- me with Lynda, George with his flavor-of-the-week.

But then graduation came, and college followed; and even though we attended the same college, we were studying very different subjects, so we saw very little of each other.

Of course, after college, the rest is history. I went to work for an insurance company -- not selling it, just doing the paperwork for the people who do. George got funding -- from his family's seemingly endless supply of capital -- to start his own restaurant, which did well enough for him to be able to open another one, and another, and so on. While his success was great, his business ethics were easily compromised, and he made few friends along the way.

Over the past fifty years, George has continued to get richer and richer, and more and more of full of the wonder he always found in himself. Meanwhile, I have toiled away at one respectable but not-very-well-paying job after another, always hoping that the next one just might be "the one" where I'd find my niche.

After years of accumulating a wealth of jealousy and bitterness toward my friend, I decided about a year ago that I would finally have it out with George -- tell him honestly and directly that I thought he was the scum of the earth, and that he owed me so much for being his friend when he was a nobody and when he was a somebody. I didn't say it was a rational argument; but it was how I felt.

When I finally got up the courage and the opportunity to speak my mind to him, George's simple yet profound response surprised me. He said, "It makes sense that you should hate me. I don't blame you at all."

Even though I felt what he said was true and right, and I had no reason to be unnerved by his declaration, I felt a murderous rage boiling within me. It was a new feeling, a rather curious sensation. I rather liked it.

But I did not give in to my urge to kill George, even though I hated him. What would it have solved anyway? In the end, George still would have lived a more productive, more successful, and more fulfilled life than I could ever hope to. I would have merely put an exclamation point at the end of an already brilliantly exclamatory existence.

In fact, George himself was ultimately responsible for his demise. It has been reported in all the newspapers that George died of a sudden heart attack while feasting on caviar -- a supremely delightful way for a rich man to die, I suppose. This, however, is only the story the family has released to the press. The true cause of death has been made known to me, and it has fully satisfied any urge for revenge I might have exacted upon George myself.

George had, in fact, been eating caviar on the night of his death. He'd even stained his teeth black with the stuff, as was apparently his custom. But it was several hours later when the events leading to his death were set in motion.

Having finished supper and bade goodnight to his butler and maid -- George didn't truly need house servants, but thought it made him seem more important if he had them -- George retired to his recreation room to shoot a game of billiards and indulge in a libation or two. An hour or so into his playing, George lit up his fourth cigar of the evening and took a few puffs before returning to his game.

The next shot was a particularly difficult one, and he executed it masterfully, textbook-perfect. As is common among great egotists, George raised his head high and looked about the room for anyone who might have seen him ace the shot. Of course, being alone in this part of the house, there was no one who wished to congratulate him on his skill. Disheartened, George returned his focus to the billiards table.

Before shooting, George once again raised the cigar to his mouth, but it slipped from his grasp as he touched it to his lip, and the lit cigar slid flame-first down his throat. George dropped to his knees, struggling to scream, as the cigar -- somehow still lit -- lodged in his esophagus and cut off his air passage.

To make matters worse (or better, depending on one's perspective), an errant spark had dropped from the cigar just before he swallowed it, and George's designer suit had also caught fire.

The butler and maid, having retired to their separate quarters on the opposite side of the mansion, did not hear George's gurgled cries.

As much as I wish I could say that it had, death did not take long. If the choking had not been sufficient to kill him -- which it had -- the alchohol which George had spilled on his suit just minutes before, had been sufficient to transform the errant spark into vibrant flames. In mere minutes, George had been reduced to a blackened mass on his own recreation room floor, ironically looking not unlike an extinguished cigar stamped out underfoot.

I suppose it's wrong for me to feel cheery upon hearing of a fellow human being's death, especially that of a long-time friend. But I think an exception can and should be made in this case. All good things must come to an end. All good people too. Even George, though I'm not sure he was either a "good thing" or a "good person". Now the question begs -- what do I say in his memory? I can only state the obvious.

George was someone that I knew for a long time. He was very determined, very successful, and as a result, very rich. He loved life, but he loved himself even more. He made something out of himself, which is something I could never quite do. I called him my friend, but that was more out of habit than out of relationship. He wasn't really anybody's friend. What more can I say?

Perhaps I'll just read all this out loud.

Interview With My Grandfather

In dredging up some of my old writings for the first time in years, I found this piece that I had completed for a writing class in college. The assignment was to interview someone that we knew personally, and let them tell their story in their own words. My step-grandfather, Carl Kinion, who at the time (sometime around the year 2000) was facing the end of his long marriage to my grandmother, was already spending a lot of time reflecting on his life and the paths he had taken; so I thought he would be the perfect subject for my interview. What follows is the interview in its entirety, prefaced by my brief introductory remarks.


It's peaceful out tonight. It's going to be a good night for traveling – not across space or distance, but across time and memories. Carl Kinion, my step-grandfather, leans back in his recliner and lights the first of what will be a seemingly endless chain of cigarettes. The fumes are so thick in his small apartment that I can already feel my head starting to hurt and stinging tears welling up in my eyes. But I'm here to do an interview, and my own concerns must take a back seat to the story I'm about to hear. I wanted to ask Carl about a cross-country journey he took twenty-five years ago because I love to travel. I'd love to be able to visit all the places that Carl went – though I'd prefer not to go about it in the same manner that he did. The circumstances under which he left originally, and under which we now meet are unfortunate, but virtually the same as they were all those years ago. Carl and my grandmother, his wife of thirty-six years, have separated. This time – due to truly irreconcilable differences which it is unnecessary to go into – it appears that they will never be together again as man and wife. Carl is a fascinating storyteller. He has so many vivid memories of his past; and only now, after years of feeling repressed by his wife, is he able to tell them to someone who wants to listen. As we begin, the television competes with our two voices – JAG is Carl's favorite show, but he's devoting more of his attention to our conversation...thankfully.


CARL:  I left here and I hitchhiked all the way to L.A. California.

JASON:  Why did you go?

CARL:  Well, I left my wife. And I went all the way to L.A. I worked my way out with A-1 Van Lines.... I'd pick up odd jobs along the way. I spent the nights in city jails out there, 'cause – you know, you can't do it in North Carolina – but out there, they'd rather have you in jail [and] know where you're at all night than have you out on the streets.... I went out there [to L.A.] and I stayed about three days, and I headed back this way.... Got a meat-cutting job in Claypool, Arizona, which is between Globe and Miami, Arizona, at two dollars an hour – which won't much, but it was enough to get by.... What else you want to know?

JASON:  Okay, you answered some of my questions already, but I'll ask them in different ways. When you left, did you ever plan to return? Did you think you were coming back?

CARL:  No, I didn't think I was, and I had seventeen cents in my pocket.... In fact, out in Arizona, I told them I was gonna settle right there. 'Cause the first thing they asked me, "Are you a tramp butcher?" See, in Arizona, they got those copper mines. And a tramp miner, he'll spend thirty days at this job, and go somewhere else. And I swore up and down, I was gonna stay right there. But just as soon as I got me a couple of paychecks, and called your grandmama...and she accepted the charges on the phone...I was headed back towards the East.

JASON:  Okay, you already said a little bit about this, but what did you do for food and sleeping arrangements?

CARL:  Well, I'd go to the Salvation Army, if there was one handy, and they'd give you a bowl of oatmeal – that's all, no cream, no sugar, just a bowl of oatmeal. And these rescue missions would give you a night or two of sleep. But most of the time I slept under a bridge, a viaduct, where one road goes over the other one. And if you walk up that steep embankment, you got an eight-foot slab of cement all the way down, you know...and you can crawl up there, and get that first spot. You're out of the wind, the rain, the cold, and you can hear the cars going over...the highway. I spent many a night in there. But now, I got hungry too. I went eighteen days without eating anything solid.

JASON:  Why?

CARL:  Well, there ain't nobody gonna give you nothing, and I didn't have no money. So, if somebody'd buy me a cup of coffee, they got these packs of sugar. I put all I can in my pocket. And if you keep a little sugar, it gives you energy. And if you keep your belly full of water, you don't get hungry. Now, you can't go but so long that way.... But you keep plenty of water. You've got to have water.

JASON:  Did you meet any interesting people along the way?

CARL:  Yeah, I met a lot of nice people. There's a lot of people that don't mind helping somebody. Sometimes somebody might give a five-dollar bill to help me on the way – most of the time they didn't. They all wanted to know why I was...going across the country. And I told a different story every time.   [Laughs.]  I didn't think it was none of their business.

JASON:  Where were a few of the major places that you stopped? I know you said L.A. and Arizona.

CARL:  Well, I'd never been to the capital of New Mexico, which is Santa Fe. Now, I was hitching a hike on Interstate 40.... Well, when you get into Albuquerque, if you make a right in Albuquerque, then you go right on in to Santa Fe, which was a good little ride. But I went to Santa Fe – I'd never seen or been there – walked around and looked at the buildings, which was adobe, then I come back to Albuquerque, and started on back. Spent one night in the desert, and it gets cold, and that's a fact. And you do dehydrate. You can't even speak the next morning till you take just a little sip of water.

JASON:  So, it's really hot during the day and cold during the night?

CARL:  It really is.

JASON:  I know you said you did meat-cutting. What other jobs did you have – in different places?

CARL:  Well, I'd wash dishes and I'd load and unload furniture...and I did meat-cutting...about anything [I could so] I could get a few dollars to help me.

JASON:  Of all the places that you went, which place did you like the best?

CARL:  I guess Spokane, Washington. I liked Spokane for some reason. California I didn't like at all. I hurried up and got out just as quick as I could. You can't get no work there...unless you buy it.... You go to Manpower or somebody, and they'd get you a job, but they get most of the money. You're working less than half price for what you would draw....Then I stopped at Globe, Arizona, and found out about that meat-cutting job, and I got it. The head butcher was leaving to a better job, and they hired me – they liked me. But I sure hit the road. I went to the bar, and I got tore up, and I told the bartender, I said, "Give me ten dollars in quarters." I went over to the phone outside. And I called your grandmama...collect. I said, "If she won't accept, I'll pay for it on this end." But she accepted. It was two hours' difference....it was about twelve [here] when I called, so it was about ten o'clock [there], and I knew she was still up. She took the call. The next day I was out there, heading East.

JASON:  What made you decide to return?

CARL:  Well, I missed her, you know...and I'd been gone almost a year....

JASON:  Do you feel like you gained something from your trip?

CARL:  Well, I gained a lot. Like you say, I met a lot of nice people. I did it the hard way. I wouldn't do it today because of the way things are...but back then you didn't have a whole lot [to worry about].... Most of the time, if anybody's going several hundred miles, and they pick you up, the first thing they ask is, "Have you got [a] driver's license?" I say, "I got North Carolina." They say, "That's good enough." As long as they're in the car...they want you to drive, see. Especially somebody going cross-country. They want you to drive twenty-four hours a day, or drive and let them sleep, you know.

JASON:  If you had it to do all over again, what would you have done differently?

CARL:  I don't know, really. I may have stayed home and listened to [her] mess.

JASON:  Do you think, if you had it to do all over again – knowing what you know now – that you would have stayed somewhere across the country, and not come back?

CARL:  Yeah, I do now, the way things have turned out. I wish I had stayed in Arizona or somewhere. 'Course I missed her then, and I miss her now. I missed her a whole lot. We got married in '62, and we'd been married about ten or eleven years [then]. Now, we've been married almost thirty-seven... August'll be thirty-seven years. And I never thought she would do the things that she has done to me. I tried. I went without food myself to make sure she had something on the table.... But...things changed, and I saw it.... I still love the woman, even though she has done me so wrong.



Carl and my grandmother never reconciled, both living the remaining years of their lives apart. Carl Kinion died on July 12, 2003, at the age of 66. My grandmother, Ruth Kinion, died on April 8, 2010, at age 85.  I loved them both.

Slumbering Thoughts, Or How I Spent My Dozing Hours With Pen In Hand And No Direction

Hold on to your hats, folks! If you're not wearing hats, hold on to any other loose clothing. The short pieces that follow are my own personal exercises in stream-of-consciousness literature. Some of them don't make a whole lot of sense. And some of them I like more than other pieces I put a lot more time and effort into writing.

These pieces, all written ten or more years ago, are what I like to call "Slumbering Thoughts." For a while, it was my custom to take a pen and notepad to bed with me; when I was at my sleepiest, before surrendering to sleep, I would then proceed to write whatever came to mind.

Often I would go back the next morning and see what I had written, only to find it completely indecipherable. It also wasn't uncommon to see a word or sentence stopped midstream and a line of ink streaking down toward the bottom of the page. Some of these "thoughts" have never and will never see the light of day. But a few of them aren't half bad, and even the ones that are bad are at least entertaining.

So here you have five examples of my "Slumbering Thoughts" – the salvageable ones, the best of the oddest stuff I've ever written. And that's saying quite a lot. Enjoy!



#1:
There must be something. For so long there has been nothing. Waiting in the wings or poised to fly away. Love? Life? One makes the other matter. The other is nothing without its counterpart. I struggle with words to properly express the activity of inaction. If I were trying, I would be doing. Because I do not try, I do not. Opportunity knocks softly; the rest of the world carries on noisily. How can I hear them both? The pursuit of happiness is happiness. There is only excitement in the assured existence of absolute uncertainty. But what if there are no fish in the water? Can they be caught? Looking backward, I have forward thoughts, and yet I wonder, would I truly be moving at all? Or would I be returning? We return because we want more of what was good before. Can you want more if what seemed good was only an illusion? And if so, is there joy in such returning? Deal me the aces – I'm ready to go.


#2:
I had the means by which to do it. It was a sad day for a happy man, though. Right now I am thinking, which is more than I can say for you. Skip the details. Get straight to the point. I can see the big picture. What is a man if he is not slovenly? Sometimes they generalize, and who suffers most? The better your work is, the harder you will work. Slowly close the lid, of which you spoke, when you threw me into the ocean. Good things always happen at night. It's best when you don't know. It would be a delight, and she, the woman I know, would be behind it all, sometimes checking one of this with a very look. I'm not sick, though we walked another one today when she could. I took my pills, stop nagging. Step to the lightning, and you see the lightning – great ghosts of upward condescension – to judge which of six does seven choose by too many chairs. Putting on the crater – left by tornadoes. I'm in a bag, don't sift through me. Creamy on the inside. Commissioned by a cow, but don't it make you want to sing and dance?


#3:
Words and stuff by one who knows words like the back of nobody's business hand. ~ A master painter builds his house on a hill and looks down upon the world and paints life in aerials. Are those ants, you ask? No, but people, large in stature, tiny in the perspective of the big world itself. Going about their business, oblivious of one another. Each carrying his or her own special burden, often a burden greater than the person feels he or she can handle. And yet they carry on. From up here, you can't see the problems. You can't feel the pain. But this detachment naturally attaches. You feel for those who do not seem to feel at all. You watch them move across the green canvas and wonder what they'd do if they reached the edge? Maybe someday he will paint houses. The pay is poor, but you get to talk to people. You see them as they are, even if the truth is disturbing. For now, he watches, and waits, in wonder.


#4:
It really happened! I wasn't there, but I was taking notes. Imagine me, smelling the roses in the middle of a stop. I got the horse this time. He created a situation, and I defied it. They tried to trick him, but he wouldn't let them. Playing hopscotch on the sidewalk, that's where he is! No one ever plays anymore. Too much work can ruin your thunder if it has been stolen while you were playing. It's too complex for me to break it down. I merely ask, in hopes that they might answer. My pen travels faster than my brain. A shower of words fall, fall, fall to the ground, and shatter into a million tiny fragments. If I could find my voice, I would sing, and while I'm at it, take a time out for a Coke and a good vibe, if there ever was such a thing. I want to know the truth. If I'm standing in line, how can I get out of it? Frenetic, frenetic, it's all in the genes, I believe. DNA means "do not answer." Cause for alarm, if by chance there is a conflict. But do not worry. I can still dance. I am as limber now as I was twenty years ago, when I was but a tot. Or not. I'd like to think it ends somewhere.


#5:
She isn't anybody you'd know or imagine, were you given the task to respond. But it's not whether or not you're willing; rather if, in doing, you can see what the differences are. I try to make sense, though I never know till later. One-zip, no margin for error. Step up, crank out. My door is always open, and I chant with a lesser musical tone than most. I cheat occasionally on the good news or bad. If more is bad, I stress the good. If good prevails, bad sneaks in conspicuously. There is no honesty in this game. What are we doing? Is it our job?  Candles burn, but the darkness is greater. It must be a dungeon, because the world passes by above. Something dank and dusty hovers with a creepy American feel and no fine tuning. Can it be? I'm watching, but my eyes deny themselves. It's time for a chocolate chip cookie. Marvel not that sweet things are hard to come by, and even harder to keep. If only I knew what to think or say. It will come to me then. But how much of the meaning will be lost in translation?

Flash Fiction: "Monkie's Bad Habit"

This is another recent revision of an older piece, probably written sometime during or recently after college. Admittedly, this is a darker story, but it is fiction – please don't forget that as you're reading it. I don't know where some of these bleak tales come from, but when I'm inspired I just have to go with it, for good or ill. I'd love to hear any feedback you're willing to give. Hope you enjoy reading it! ~ JH

MONKIE'S BAD HABIT

Monkie isn't guilty, at least not like you and I are guilty. The way she sees it, guilt only exists if you want it to; it isn't necessary, and it most certainly isn't automatic. So, when Monkie does what only she does best, and you I turn a disapproving eye toward her, Monkie doesn't mind – after all, she isn't guilty, because she doesn't choose to be.

"The tenets of good and evil," says Monkie quite often, "are not written in stone by some fantastical creature which has deemed itself the Great Arbitrator. Good and evil are simply two sides of the same coin that we ourselves are flipping. No one is either wholly good or wholly evil."

"So I can choose to be good, or I can choose to be evil?" she asks, speaking through her Otherself, the side of Monkie that is always argumentative.

"Or you can choose to be neither," Monkie answers her Otherself.

I can't say that I quite agree with (or even understand) all of her philosophies, but Monkie's logic is definitely worth considering. I ponder the enigma that is Monkie every day, yet I still come up empty. I guess that's why I'm madly in love with her.

Monkie always seems to find reasons to be defiant about the most commonplace things, which I've never understood. For instance, she refuses to acknowledge that she was born with any name other than Monkie. I don't know if she thinks it gives her distinction or distance; but I think Priscilla Monk is a nice name, too.

Sometimes I sit and watch Monkie for hours, gnashing my teeth and biting my nails, while she tirelessly bashes her fists against the wall. Every time she cries out in pain, yet still she rears back her fist again and again to feed her habit.

"Why, Monkie?" I cry. "Why are you hurting yourself like this?"

"You don't understand," she tells me, "it's something I simply must do."

" Why must you?" her Otherself chimes in. "You're not just hurting yourself. You're hurting me, too!"

"That I can deal with," replies Monkie. "I've never liked you much anyway."

"But what about me?" I, the only other person in the room, inquire. But Monkie ignores me, and continues her assault.

I've long since gotten used to the blood, though I'll never accept that what she is doing is for the best. Time and time again I've contacted professionals, people who could give her the help that she needs. But Monkie refuses to be helped, and won't even admit that she has a problem.

It's wrong, I tell her. Even if she does claim to gain a tiny bit of enlightenment from doing it, that's nothing compared to the pain and scars it leaves behind. But she won't listen to me. Curiously enough, in every other subject she seems to value my opinion. But on this point Monkie will not waver.

"Don't you even feel guilty about it?" I ask her, already knowing the answer.

"Of course I don't," she snaps back. "That word means nothing to me."

"It would mean something if you hurt some thing or someone else, wouldn't it?" her Otherself replies. Though she often discredits her Otherself as insensible and overly obvious, it is the only voice of reason within Monkie.

"On the contrary," retorts Monkie. "I hurt people and things all the time, and I couldn't be less concerned about that."

"You mean like you hurt me?" I ask.

"I most certainly do not hurt you," says Monkie, adding, "That's absurd!"

But Monkie does hurt me, and she must realize that. Every time I see her wipe away her desperate tears with bloodied fists, I hurt with her. Yet she continues.

I've often thought of ways to solve her problem for good. 

I could tie her hands together behind her back. But in doing so I would be taking away her freedom to gesticulate; and for someone like Monkie, gesticulation is terribly important.

I could tear down the walls, not only here in our home, but all walls everywhere. But in so doing I would be taking away her right to privacy – and, indeed, everyone else's right to privacy.

In the end, there's only one thing I can do which is best for both of us. I must kill my beloved Monkie. With death comes ultimate enlightenment, rest, and restitution. I know she would do the same for me.

We even talked about it once. It's a rather long story, so I'll summarize. She was mouthing off about something in a particularly loud and boisterous manner, all the while bashing away at the wall with her fists.

She suddenly stopped and said to me, "Stanley... " (Though it's not my name and she knows it, she prefers Stanley over my given name.) "Stanley, do be a dear and murder me."

I replied that I wouldn't do that, and she inquired as to why not. I told her that I could never do that to someone I loved.

I don't recall Monkie's exact words, but it sounded something like, "Do it because you love me." Then she added, "I can't very well do it myself."

She spoke the words thoughtfully, like she'd already tried to kill herself – besides the thing with the fists, I mean – and I felt sorry for her. Because it was in that moment that I realized that Monkie did have a problem that was bigger and tougher than she was able to handle.

Now I see, after months of the same tired discussions and nothing having changed, that ending her suffering is the only reasonable solution. And so my dear Monkie, devoid of some good but not entirely evil, has chosen her fate, and chosen me to be her honorable murderer.

I don't want to do it, but I want Monkie to finally be happy. She looks at me now, as if to say (even though I haven't expressed it in words) she approves of what I'm considering. As if to say that I should proceed with the utmost assurance and the least amount of guilt.

I have no doubt that I will be found out and punished for my actions. I have accepted that already. But this is the right thing to do. 

For the love of Monkie. For the banishment of Otherself. And once and for all, to help Monkie overcome her one bad habit.

By The Numbers

I may have been blogging for over a year now, but that doesn't mean I know what I'm doing.

For instance, I just recently discovered the "Stats" bar on my blog (I'm assuming this is something only I, the blogger, can see), and have quickly become fascinated with analyzing the blog's statistics. Well, as much as a non-math-inclined person like myself is able to analyze them, at least.

The results are both encouraging and disheartening. I can see in cold, hard numbers when a blog entry has been viewed frequently, and when it's barely been read at all. (Was it something I said? Did you hate the title? Am I losing my touch? Paranoia is setting in.)

It's not all bad. Here are a few interesting (to me, at least) facts I have gleaned from the "Stats" bar on The Plural Of Hyena blog:

1)  As Of This Writing, There Have Been 5,371 Total Page Views For The Blog.  This number, unfortunately, does count my own page views (which hopefully don't consist of half that number!) because I haven't yet figured out how to exclude my own "hits" from the total. I see where I'm supposed to click to exclude my numbers, and I've clicked it, but for some reason it doesn't work. Anyway, being the armchair statistician that I am, I can quickly figure out that my blog has been viewed an average of 14.7 times per day over the roughly 366 days of its existence thus far. Approximately 1,269 of those page views took place last month alone, which is an average of about 41 page views per day for the month. So, either I was going back and editing them a whole lot, or people are actually reading this masterfully written prose junk. Go figure!

2)  The Most-Viewed Entry All-Time On This Blog Is "Things I Find Fascinating #3: Zebras And The People Who Love Them."  (Incidentally, when did I stop numbering those? Oh well, who cares!) To date, there have been a total of 1,798 page views on this entry alone. What's that all about? Well, it could be that, in that post, I used the word "zebra" a total of 26 times, and massive occurrences of one word in particular like that can cause the page to show up higher in search engines for specific words, like the word "zebra". Which brings me to...

3)  The Words People Are Actually Searching For When They Unfortunately End Up At My Blog.  You'd think they'd arrive here by searching for words that are actually in the blog title, like "plural" maybe, or definitely "hyena." Not so much, actually. Approximately 165 page views originated from a search for "baby zebra" – this was the highest number for any word or phrase. "Zebras" generated another 157 hits, "riding a zebra" another 110 hits, "zebra riding" another 74 hits, "baby zebras" another 69 hits, "zebra" another 66 hits, "riding zebras" another 52 hits, "riding zebra" another 25 hits, and "zebra baby" another 19 hits. The only word or phrase that was not in any way related to zebras off the top searched-for words was the name "Googie Withers". You may or may not remember, but actress Googie Withers was one of the recently deceased celebrities I profiled in my "Personal Reflections On Dead Celebrities: 2011 Edition" post back in July of last year. Oddly enough, none of the top searched-for items was "fascinating" or "perusal" or "war and peace" or any other words and phrases I use often on this site. Just zebras. All zebras. (And Googie Withers, of course.)

4)  Sites And URLs Sending The Most People To My Blog.  It shouldn't be at all surprising that the top URL referring to my site was Facebook , since I always post the links to these on my wall; and I believe the majority of you who read what I put here see the link there first. (But I could be wrong.) Incidentally, also high up on the list were the Byrds' Nest blog (thanks, Stacey!) and the Letchworth Shenanigans blog (thanks, Ashley!). Some of the referring sites look like gobbledygook web addresses to me – maybe spam sites linking to me or something (um, thank you?). Among the other sites or URLs that I recognized were Google (including the US, UK, Canadian, and German sites!) and Linked In. Good to know, I guess.

5)  I'm Ten Times As Popular In The United States As I Am In The United Kingdom.  To date, 3,816 of my total page views have originated from these United States, and only 358 hits have come from the UK. Oh well, I wasn't really writing for them anyway! Other major countries where I am being read – or at least being accidentally stumbled upon in Google searches gone wrong – are Canada (198 hits), Germany (147), Russia (118), and Australia (99). I'm not quite as popular in India (only 22 hits), Finland (19), Netherlands (19), or the Ukraine (18) – but the fact that people across the world are actually (intentionally or accidentally) seeing this amazing ludicrous blog is pretty mind-boggling!

6)  Most People Access This Blog Using A Windows Or Macintosh Laptop Or Desktop Computer.  Why is this important? It's probably not, but I think it means I haven't quite caught on with the mobile internet users that much. While Windows (3,484 hits) and Mac (1,516 hits) lead the operating systems list, only 1% each of my blog readers access the site using an Android, iPad, iPod, iPhone, or BlackBerry. I don't especially care one way or the other how people find the site, as long as they find it and enjoy reading it. Just thought someone out there might find it interesting. Because I sure didn't.

7)  How High Does The Blog Show Up In A Search?  This is one that I didn't find on "Stats," but is something I've been checking periodically over the past year. Currently, if you type in the phrase "the plural of hyena" (without the quotation marks) on Google, you will see this blog listed as the fourth result from the top. The first three listings are from online dictionaries, which I guess makes sense. If you do the same search on Bing, this blog is the first site listed. YAY!

I'm not really sure how to supplant those online dictionaries to make sure I'm the number-one hit on Google, but I've heard that the results are generated by how many times the particular searched-for phrase appears on each website. You'd think that having the The Plural of Hyena as the title heading on every page of the site would be enough. But I guess I'm going to have to work harder at putting the name The Plural Of Hyena into my actual blog posts, so that The Plural of Hyena will show up higher on the list whenever you Google the phrase "the plural of hyena", or any variation of the words "plural" or "hyena", and specifically the phrase "the plural of hyena", or even "plural of hyena" or "plural hyena".

I'll reach the top yet, just you wait! As long as I keep repeating this mantra: The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena,  The Plural of Hyena!!!!!!

Told You I'd Read Anything

I was just browsing through the thousand-plus titles I've downloaded to my Kindle e-book reader since I got it back in November, and was struck by the number of oddly-titled books that I've acquired.

Most of the stuff I download is free, because I don't like to pay for stuff if I don't have to. There are plenty of sites where you can legally download free e-books by new and established authors who are trying to promote their work. So, granted, I probably didn't pay a cent for any of these books.

But still, most people would judge a book by its title (at least by some of these titles) and deem it unworthy to even take up space in their e-reader. Not this guy. I'll read anything. And the weirder it is the better, as far as I'm concerned. (This shouldn't really be that surprising, coming from the author of The Plural Of Hyena blog!)

Anyway, since I'm having a hard time coming up with anything better to write about today, I figured I'd share the names of these oddball books that I either am reading or am planning on reading in the near future with you, and share some links where you too can find one-of-a-kind e-books to clutter up your own e-reader, if you have one. Even if you don't have one, if you're reading this right now you probably have a computer, and most of these books are also available as PDF's which can be read right on your computer.

In most cases, I haven't read these books yet, so I'd hardly recommend them sight unseen. Read the synopses for yourselves, and decide if you'd like to give them a whirl or not...

1)  How To Cook Husbands and (its companion piece) The Gentle Art Of Cooking Wives:  Both by Elizabeth Strong Worthington, these humorous fictional tales were written in the latter part of the 19th century with the intent of shedding light on issues of gender equality (or inequality, as was often the case at the time).

2)  Princess Callie And The Totally Amazing Talking Tiara:  This young adult fantasy novel, written by Daisy Piper, is a familiar-seeming tale of a teenage girl who is whisked away to a magical kingdom where she is, in fact, a princess, and is the only one who can save the kingdom from certain destruction. I'm currently reading this one, and while there isn't a whole lot of originality to the story, it's written very tongue-in-cheek and is a fun, light read.

3)  That Bear Ate My Pants!:  This is the true story of a guy (the author Tony James Slater) who went to Ecuador to volunteer at an animal refuge, and bit off more than he could chew. Or, conversely, was bitten more than he could handle being chewed. Anyway, it's supposed to be as crazy as it sounds – probably highly exaggerated but still worth a read, I hope.

4)  Disembodied Spider Meat:  This ten-story collection from horror author Mark Wheaton is advertised as being "full of madness, murder, and mayhem" (aren't those the three "M"'s of most horror stories?). I'm sure it's probably every bit as gruesome as it's purported to be, but why the oddball title? Who knows! Will I read it? Of course.

5)  They Had Goat Heads:  Another short-story collection, this one written by D. Harlan Wilson. Described as "ferociously mind-bending", these stories are said to include things like "egg raids, hog rippers, monk spitters (?), [and] fathers who take their children to pet stores to buy them whales." Well, at least they sound highly imaginative. We'll see.

6)  God Drives A Tow Truck:  This compilation of true stories by author Vicky Kaseorg details her quest to find God. "In her voyage from atheist to believer, she gradually discovers that while God's face may not be clearly seen, the brush of His fingertips is often felt." Interesting. Wonder if she's writing a sequel: "The Devil Is An IRS Auditor"? I'd read that one, too.

7)  Assault With A Deadly Glue Gun:  Apparently, this cozy mystery story by writer Lois Winston is Book 1 of the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series. Now, some of you out there might be thrilled to know that there's a crafting mystery series in existence. Or maybe you already know, and you've read it, and you like it. Me, I'm disappointed. I got this book strictly for its absurd-sounding title, and didn't know it had anything to do with crafting (which doesn't interest me in the least). Oh well, maybe my wife will like it?

8)  Bubba And The Dead Woman:  Does this sound like a redneck murder mystery? Well, good, 'cause that's exactly what it is. This quirky novel by C.L. Bevill takes place at the Snoddy Mansion in the small town of Pegramville, and includes colorful characters such as Bubba's mother, Miz Demetrice, who runs a gambling ring, and their Basset hound, Precious. Oh boy, I don't know whether or not I'm ready for this one just yet!

9)  Chico: The Story Of A Homing Pigeon:  Written by Lucy M. Blanchard, this is the true story of a homing pigeon from Italy that wins a medal for bravery in World War One. Come on, admit it, you'd read that! Right? Oh.

10)  The Fabulous Clipjoint:  This 1948 Edgar Award-winning pulp mystery novel by Fredric Brown is centered around an 18-year-old boy named Ed who teams with his Uncle Ambrose to find out who killed Ed's dad. I want to read this one just to find out what a clipjoint is, and why it's a fabulous one. Sure, I could just Google it, but reading it is bound to be more fun. Hopefully.

11)  Land Of Corn Chips: The blurb for this young adult novel by Angela Carlie is so great that I simply can't put it into my own words any better: "Eleven-year-old Nate Hansen never believed in dragons before an eccentric man with a purple-feather hat kidnaps him. Spirited to the Land of Corn Chips on the back of a mechanical yellow dragon, Nate must find a way to avoid being ground into compost. His only hope of escape is to earn the friendship of the local wrestling gang and zombie kids, and to believe in a parent he no longer trusts." 'Nuff said. 

12)  Ambrotox And Limping Dick:  This thriller novel by Oliver Fleming is so obscure that I can't even find a plot synopsis anywhere on the Internet! Suffice it to say, it can't be as bad as it sounds by the title. What I could find out about it was that "Oliver Fleming" was a pseudonym for Philip MacDonald, and that this book was co-authored by Philip and his father, Ronald. Yes, Ronald MacDonald. Insert juvenile snicker here.

13)  Charlie Woodchuck Is A Minor Niner:  This young adult novel by Dalya Moon follows the title character through her early days in high school, circa 1988, as she attempts to find out whether or not she's adopted. Her best friend, an expert blackmailer, and her other friend, the class clown, will attempt to solve the mystery while staving off "the biggest bullies of all": the school board! Gasp!

14)  I Thought My Uncle Was A Vampire, But He Was Just A Creep:  This strange-as-it-sounds novel by Richard Cassone pretty much tells you the entirety of its plot in the title. Apparently, there are also unscrupulous lawyers, overzealous detectives, and plenty of slapstick comedy involved. What about the kitchen sink? Is that thrown in there, too?

15)  Elvis Has Not Left The Building:  The first book in the Elvis Mystery series by J.R. Rain, this quirky novel tells what happened after Elvis faked his own death in 1977. Apparently, he underwent massive facial reconstruction surgery, changed his name to Aaron King, and moved to a small apartment in Los Angeles where he's now a septuagenarian private investigator. Yeah, okay, I'll read that.

Sites With A Good Number Of Free 
(And Legal) Books That You Can Download:

www.gutenberg.org   (public domain books, mostly classics)

www.smashwords.com  (old and new books –  click "Activate 
Adult Filter" at the bottom of the home page if you 
want to filter out the smutty books listed there)

www.feedbooks.com  (old and new books – this one doesn't have an Adult
Filter, so just be aware that some titles aren't appropriate for everyone)

www.manybooks.net  (lots of books to choose from here – mostly public 

domain books and classics, but there are some new ones, too)

www.getfreeebooks.com  (this is basically a blog site that gathers free 

e-book listings from across the web, and provides links to exterior sites to 

download them – it's a good resource, just not a great first place to look)

Of course, if you have a Kindle, there's always www.amazon.com. And for you Nook readers, there's www.barnesandnoble.com. There are plenty of free books to choose from on both of those sites, too.

A President's Day Compendium Of Quotes

Love 'em or hate 'em, our presidents have, in many ways, helped shape America as we know it today. Yes, some of them were idiots – I'm not naming any names, since this is an issue that's always open to interpretation – but some of them have also been among the wisest, wittiest, and most well-respected citizens this nation has ever seen. Most, if not all of our presidents, have left behind numerous nuggets of wisdom, humorous quotes, or candidly honest remarks which history has preserved. In honor of President's Day, I hope you'll enjoy this collection of some of their more memorable quotes, as well as a few lesser-known but still priceless gems...


1)  "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." ~ George Washington



2)  "There are two educations. One should teach us how to make a living, and the other how to live." ~ John Adams


3)  "Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it." ~ Thomas Jefferson


4)  "All men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree." ~ James Madison


5)  "It is only when people become ignorant and corrupt, when they degenerate into a populace, that they are incapable of exercising their sovereignty." ~ James Monroe


6)  "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams


7)  "Every good citizen makes his country's honor his own, and cherishes it not only as precious but as sacred. He is willing to risk his life in its defense and is conscious that he gains protection while he gives it." ~ Andrew Jackson


8)  "The government should not be guided by Temporary Excitement, but by Sober Second Thought." ~ Martin Van Buren


9)  "All the measures of the Government are directed to the purpose of making the rich richer and the poor poorer." ~ William Henry Harrison


10)  "Popularity, I have always thought, may aptly be compared to a coquette – the more you woo her, the more apt is she to elude your embrace." ~ John Tyler


11)  "No president who performs his duties faithfully and conscientiously can have any leisure." ~ James K. Polk


12)  "I have always done my duty. I am ready to die. My only regret is for the friends I leave behind me." ~ Zachary Taylor


13)  "May God save the country, for it is evident that the people will not." ~ Millard Fillmore


14)  "Frequently the more trifling the subject, the more animated and protracted the discussion." ~ Franklin Pierce


15)  "What is right and what is practicable are two different things." ~ James Buchanan


16)  "Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?" ~ Abraham Lincoln


17)  "It's a d@#% poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word." ~ Andrew Johnson


18)  "Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you may occasionally find men who disgrace labor." ~ Ulysses S. Grant


19)  "In avoiding the appearance of evil, I am not sure but I have sometimes unnecessarily deprived myself and others of innocent enjoyments." ~ Rutherford B. Hayes


20)  "Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter." ~ James A. Garfield


21)  "I may be president of the United States, but my private life is nobody's d@#%ed business." ~ Chester A. Arthur


22)  "I would rather the man who presents something for my consideration subject me to a zephyr of truth and a gentle breeze of responsibility than blow me down with a curtain of hot wind."  ~ Grover Cleveland


23)  "Great lives never go out; they go on." ~ Benjamin Harrison


24)  "Sometimes I wake at night in the White House and rub my eyes and wonder if it is not all a dream." ~ Grover Cleveland  (in his nonconsecutive second term)
 

25)  "War should never be entered upon until every agency of peace has failed." ~ William McKinley


26)  "A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user." ~ Theodore Roosevelt


27)  "Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood." ~ William Howard Taft


28)  "If you want to make enemies, try to change something." ~ Woodrow Wilson


29)  "America's present need is not heroics but healing; not nostrums but normalcy; not revolution but restoration." ~ Warren G. Harding  (interesting fact: Harding invented the word "normalcy" in this speech, but it caught on and has since become a "real" word)
 

30)  "Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong." ~ Calvin Coolidge


31)  "Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover


32)  "Be sincere; be brief; be seated." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


33)  "If you can't convince them, confuse them." ~ Harry S Truman


34)  "History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid." ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower


35)  "Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men." ~ John F. Kennedy


36)  "I'd rather give my life than to be afraid to give it." ~ Lyndon B. Johnson


37)  "Always remember that others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." ~ Richard M. Nixon


38)  "A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have." ~ Gerald R. Ford


39)  "We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles." ~ Jimmy Carter


40)  "Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement." ~ Ronald Reagan

 
41)  "I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." ~ George H.W. Bush


42)  "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured with what is right in America." ~ Bill Clinton


43)  "You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." ~ George W. Bush


44)  "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." ~ Barack Obama

Ten Things You Aren't Supposed To "Be" In Church

I missed church this morning due to my ongoing chest cold (seven days and counting, wahoo!). I hated not being there, but I simply didn't feel well enough to go.

This got me thinking (something always does -- fortunately or unfortunately for you, Reader). What are some general "shouldn't" rules regarding church services? I'm not talking legalism -- I abhor it. I'm not talking about "The Ten Commandments" -- I'm pretty sure Somebody already wrote those a long time ago.

I'm talking common sense and common decency. If you won't refrain from these things for your own sake, at least don't do them for your pastor's sake. He works hard to prepare each week -- he deserves nothing less than your full participation in the service. And if you won't refrain from doing them for your pastor's sake, then at least refrain from doing them for God's sake! (No, I'm not swearing -- go back and read it again, in context this time.) He deserves nothing less than your best in everything.

So, without further ado, the ten things you aren't supposed to "BE" in church...

1)  Bored.  If you're bored in church, one of three things is the problem. You're not really listening, you don't really care, or you have a bad pastor. Chances are, it's one of the first two, and you need to handle your business. But if you do happen to have a bad pastor, you should consider going somewhere else. If you're not being fed spiritually, then maybe that's not where God wants you to be. But it may just be that you just don't want to eat what they're serving. Look in the mirror before you do anything rash.

2)  Sleepy.  Chances are, you know what days you are having church well in advance. So, knowing that, you might want to plan ahead and get a good night's sleep. Now maybe you've just gotten off work, and you're worn out. I get that. If you've come straight from work, and you're dead tired, but you're still there, that's admirable on your part. But do your best to stay awake as much as is possible. And, for heaven's sake, get to bed at a decent hour! (I'm speaking to myself on this one as much as I am anybody else.)

3)  Excessively Hungry.  This is one that can also be avoided by planning ahead. If you know what time church is going to be -- and chances are, you do know in advance -- then you should probably grab a bite to eat shortly before you come to church, or at least have a snack. Maybe you are coming straight from work -- again, that's admirable of you -- on days like those, perhaps try to take a later lunch break if possible. Ultimately, what you're trying to avoid here is that embarrassing gurgle-gurgle-gurgle which often happens right when the pastor is taking a dramatic pause for emphasis. And you have to give that uncomfortable smile to your neighbor, or maybe take that gentle elbow in the ribs from your significant other. And basically, you've just caused ten or twelve people in your immediate vicinity to stop listening to the pastor and think about their next meal. (I'm also guilty of this one, both of being hungry and of being distracted by others' hunger.)

4)  Flatulent.  This is perhaps one of the most embarrassing of the things that you ought not "be", as it can disrupt not only you but people four or five rows behind or in front of you. Maybe you ate Mexican food last night, or maybe you just have unresolved gastrointestinal issues. Whatever it is, you might want to take care of that. If you know you are prone to this unwelcome behavior, you may want to keep a bottle of Beano handy. This is also one of those things which can lead to other unacceptable behavior, like lying in church (shame on you!). If your neighbor happens to catch a whiff of something unpleasant, and scrunches up his or her nose in your direction, and you -- the guilty party -- simply shrug your shoulders or maybe even -- gasp! -- shake your head to say "no, it wasn't me" -- then you've just compounded your issues. Take the necessary steps to make sure this doesn't happen. And if you feel as though it's unavoidable, at least step outside for a moment and spare those around you from any unnecessary agony.

5)  Under The Influence.  This one should go without saying, but these days you never know. If you're wondering if it's okay to show up for church plastered or stoned -- no it's not. They probably won't turn you away, but they probably won't sit you in the front row either. And you might not personally get much out of the service, so you may as well stay at home. Also, there is the outside chance that you may suddenly feel the urge to stand up and shout, "Whoa, is it me or are these chandeliers spinning?" which would not, in fact, be an appropriate substitute for "Amen, brother!"

6)  Talkative.  If you are over the age of four, and you are sitting in church, you ought to know better than to carry on a conversation with your neighbor, yourself, or your pencil during a church service. It's not only disruptive, it's terribly annoying. Now maybe you go to a church where vocal responses to what the pastor is saying are not only acceptable but encouraged. That's a different story altogether. I'm not talking about an interactive worship experience -- that's all well and good, and often appropriate. I'm talking about conversation. Conversation that could be had after church (in the case of your neighbor), or internally (in the case of yourself), or never (in the case of your pencil). It's conversation that should be avoided. Have some respect. Incidentally, if you are under the age of four, you are off the hook for this one, because you likely aren't old enough to know better, or to fully understand the reasons for this "shouldn't" rule. Also, if you are under the age of four, you're probably not reading this anyway, so never mind.

7)  Overly Amused.  So, maybe your pastor likes to start off his message with a joke. Maybe it's not that funny, or maybe it truly is. And you chuckle. If your pastor is particularly witty, you might even laugh out loud, maybe even slap your knee. That's perfectly fine -- these are genuine human responses, for which there is nothing to be ashamed of. But what you probably shouldn't do is cackle uncontrollably at something that has either been said or done near you, or at some random thought which has suddenly crossed your mind. I will give you an example from my personal history. I was in Adult Sunday School in my old church. I can't remember why I wasn't in Children's Church, but it probably had something to do with my social awkwardness (what's new there?). Anyway, the Sunday School, encompassing all ages of adults, was held in the main sanctuary of the church. An older gentleman was the speaker that morning, and he began his lesson by relaying a story from his childhood (much as I am doing right now). He began his story, which was about his dad, by saying, "I died when my daddy was five."  Go back and read that again. Um, yeah. So, imagine being ten years old, being the only kid in a room full of somber adults, and trying to suppress your mirth. Yep, it was pretty near impossible. I started by covering my mouth, but the laughs kept seeping out. Then I buried my head in my chest, but my heaving shoulders gave me away. My fair skin turning beet red  everywhere it was exposed also betrayed me. Hiding under the pew didn't help, either -- the laughs simply echoed. Let's face it -- I ruined the Sunday School lesson. But I couldn't help it. Why my parents didn't suggest that I step outside till I regained my composure, I don't know. It would have likely been for the best. But I didn't. I laughed till it hurt. And that was bad. So, um, learn from my example. Don't do it. Even if your pastor, or elderly Sunday School teacher, does tell you that he passed away when his father was merely five years old. Just don't do it.

8)  Absent (In Body Or In Mind).  So, obviously, I'm guilty of this one today, but I did have valid reasons. The point here is that you should not be absent if you know you could be present. And if you are present, be present. Try not to let your mind wander unabated. Like I said before, the pastor has worked hard to prepare his message, and he deserves your attention. Not to mention the fact that God might have something life-changing He needs you to hear -- so listen, and be open to what He has to say.

9)  Sexy.  Yes, I said don't be sexy at church. I know some of you can't help the way you look -- God blessed you with beauty, and you feel as though you ought to be able to show it off. But please, leave more to the imagination. I'm speaking, from a guy's perspective, mainly of the ladies here. I'm a happily married man, but I have eyes, and they can see what's in front of them. If you're showing a little too much skin, or wearing clothes that are a little bit too tight, I can't help but to see you. Now what I do or don't do from there is on me. I can choose to look away, or I can choose to keep looking. And what I choose is my fault, or conversely, is to my credit. But for heaven's sake, don't tempt me to look by the way that you dress. Especially if you, too, are a married woman. What kind of message is that sending to your husband? And if you are an unmarried woman, what kind of message is that sending to your prospective mate? Think about it, and choose what you wear wisely. It really does matter more than you may think.

10)  On Facebook (Or Any Other Social Media For That Matter).  Again, this is a respect thing. And a "being present" thing. You can update your status later. You can see what So-And-So said about what you said when you commented on What's-Her-Name's wall after church. You can play FarmVille when you get home. You don't need to tweet to your many (or not so many) followers: "Hey, I'm in church, where are you at?". That's not exactly an ideal way to witness to your friends and family. Just turn your device off for the time being -- whether it's a phone, or a tablet, or whatever other kind of gadget that connects you to the outside world. Let the outside world stay outside, at least for an hour or so. This is worship time. It should take precedence over anything else.

Okay, I'll step down off my soapbox now. I'm not just talking to you, Reader. I'm pointing fingers at myself as well. I'm guilty of several of these, and I own that. But I'm working on it. Maybe you need to too. Think about it.