"Ogling Ophelia," "Ivy League," And "The Zester": Three New Drabbles

"OGLING OPHELIA"

I popped my brother on the back of the head for the third time today.

"I told you to stop that!" I scolded.

"Ain't causin' nobody no harm," he argued.

"That don't matter, it ain't right," I said.

"Looks ALL right to me," he grinned.

"That don't give you the right to gawk -- it's rude!"

"Ain't no harm in lookin'," he replied.

"Easy for you to say," I said. "Ain't you who's bein' stared at."

"Ophelia knows I'm lookin' -- she likes it," he answered.

"Says you," I said.

"Says her," he said.

"Yeah, right!"

"Ask her yourself."

"Maybe I will."

"IVY LEAGUE"

When you're born with a name like Ivy League, you have two options: Fulfill your expected potential and become a genius who succeeds at everything in life, or become a continual disappointment to your parents and everyone else you know. Ivy League was the latter. No, Ivy hadn't given up on her dreams -- she'd just never had any big dreams to begin with. Ivy was content with being average; it was, in fact, all she'd ever known. It's no wonder that when she finally had the chance to better herself, when opportunity finally knocked, Ivy was taking a nap.

"THE ZESTER"

I was reading this book of true crime stories the other day, and I came to this one particularly disturbing chapter that I thought you might find interesting. It was about a serial killer who called himself The Zester. He earned this seemingly benign moniker due to the gruesome way in which he took his victims' lives. Apparently, he rendered each victim unconscious by striking them with a burlap sack filled with bars of Zest soap, then he proceeded to use a lemon zester to peel off every square inch of their flesh. They slowly, painfully bled to death. Disgusting!!!

Interesting Quotes By Guys Named Woody

WOODY ALLEN

"I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."

"I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it's all over much too soon."

"I would never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member."

"I can levitate birds. No one cares."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"I hate reality, but it's still the best place to get a good steak."

"Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym."

"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian."

"The only thing standing between me and greatness is me."

"I love nature. I just don't want to get any of it on me."

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."

"I have no idea what I am doing, but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."

WOODY WOODPECKER

"Impulsive? I'm re-pulsive!"

"Oh, boy! Food! That's my favorite dish."

"Maybe I can cut my own hair. I cut my own teeth."

"You know, people are nuts..."

WOODY STRODE

"If you're a nice guy, you can walk into a room anywhere in the world."

SHERIFF WOODY

"Somebody's poisoned the water hole!"

"There's a snake in my boot!"

"I'd like to join your posse, boys, but first I'm gonna sing a little song."

"Run like the wind, Bullseye!"

"The word I'm searching for I can't say because there's preschool toys present."

"That wasn't flying. That was falling...with style!"

"This is the part where we blow up."

WOODY HARRELSON

"A grownup is a child with layers on."

"My main hope for myself is to be where I am."

Songs (And Bands) With States In The Titles: Part 1 Of 5

I thought it would be fun to find a song and/or band named after each state in the Union. Since there are 50 of them, and that takes more time than I have in one day, I'm going to do 10 at a time. Going in alphabetical order, today I will cover Alabama through Georgia. Next time, Hawaii through Maryland. The third installment will include Massachusetts through New Jersey. The fourth will cover New Mexico through South Carolina. And the fifth and final installment will go from South Dakota through Wyoming. I've included a video link for each song and/or band whenever possible. Some states have multiple songs to choose from, and I couldn't decide on one, so I picked two of them. Enjoy!


1)  ALABAMA:  There's a highly successful country band that goes by the name Alabama. You might've heard of them? They've had a lot of hit songs throughout their career, especially in the 1980s. This was one of those hits...

Then, of course, there's the classic song by the Southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd that you may have heard a time or two...

2)  ALASKA:  Songs about Alaska are a little harder to find, but they do exist. Here's one by John Denver...

Here's another Alaska song, this one by Johnny Horton...

3)  ARIZONA:  This one's pretty straightforward. This Kings Of Leon song is simply called "Arizona"...

4)  ARKANSAS:  I'm not exactly sure what this song has to do with the state of Arkansas, as there aren't any actual lyrics sung, but both the song ("When Electricity Came To Arkansas") and the name of the band (Black Oak Arkansas) contain the state's name, so there you go.

5)  CALIFORNIA:  There are dozens of songs I could've picked for this massive state, but I narrowed it down to just two. Forgive me if I omitted your favorite California song. First up, The Eagles' "Hotel California"...

Next up, The Mamas & The Papas' classic song, "California Dreamin'"...

6)  COLORADO:  Another straightforward song here. "Colorado" by The Flying Burrito Brothers (which, incidentally, is an awesome name for a band!)...

7)  CONNECTICUT:  Songs about Connecticut are apparently few and far between. This one, called "I Live In Connecticut," by the rock band Aerosmith, is a one-minute-long instrumental. Even Aerosmith couldn't find anything good – or bad – to say about Connecticut, I suppose...

8)  DELAWARE:  Even more obscure, apparently, are songs about Delaware. The only one I could find was a nonsense song by Perry Como which made very bad puns about the names of all the states, and I couldn't bear to post that here. Instead, here's a Norwegian alternative rock band called Delaware singing a song called "Wish For." Quite a good song, actually....

9)  FLORIDA:  Okay, so this is the most desperate I've been so far to find a song. There just aren't that many songs written about Florida, and many of the ones I did find were either directed politically (and negatively) toward the state and/or contained explicit lyrics, and I didn't particularly want to post those here. Then I remembered that there's a secular rapper who goes by the name "Flo Rida", and that's pretty close to "Florida", right? Well, most of his songs were also explicit. In searching some more, I saw that Flo Rida had rapped on a song by Lady Gaga called "Starstruck" which (surprisingly) didn't contain any explicit lyrics (unless she's using double entendres that I don't understand), and so that's my "Florida song" here. I know it's reaching, but I was in a pinch. Don't listen to it if you don't want to...

10)  GEORGIA:  Finally, a state with lots of good songs about it! But, like California, I'll limit it to just two here. And they're both classic soul songs! First up, Gladys Knight & The Pips' "Midnight Train To Georgia"...

And last but not least, Ray Charles singing "Georgia On My Mind"...

Things I Find Fascinating: Stupendously Strange And Silly-Sounding South Carolina Place Names

Much like I've done before for Pennsylvania and Florida, I've compiled a list of oddly named towns, cities, and place names from South Carolina. I have no idea where or why they came up with the names for these places that they did, but they're funny, weird, and altogether interesting. Enjoy!

1)  GIVE ME YOUR DIGITS!  There seem to be quite a few numerically-named places in South Carolina. Maybe there was a logical reason behind each name, or maybe the towns' founders just wanted to prove they could count. Who knows? 1...2...3...let's go!

Four Hole Swamp

Five Forks

Six Mile

Seven Oaks

Sixty Six

and

Ninety Six

2)  COLOR ME IMPRESSED:  Most states have a preponderance of towns and cities with colors in the names, and South Carolina is no exception. Case in point, the following place names:

Green Sea

Greenville

Greenwood

Grays

Red Bank

Orangeburg

Whitesville

and of course...

Blacksville

3)  WHY IS MY STOMACH GROWLING?  It's also not uncommon to hear of a town named after food, especially a fruit. But some of these are ridiculous...

Cherryvale

Plum Branch

Cheddar

Pumpkintown

and the ever-popular

Ketchuptown

4)  OUT OF THIS WORLD:  Some South Carolina towns and cities may remind you of things you learned in science class years ago. Like these, for instance...

Galaxy

Mars Bluff

Starr

Lone Star

Sunset

and

Moonville

5)  WHICH WAY WAS I HEADED?  If you're not sure where you are, several places in South Carolina will be happy to remind you at least where you're headed. Like these oddly named towns...

East & Southern

North

North Area

West Metro

and

Due West

6)  THAT SOUNDS STRANGELY FAMILIAR...  When you're traveling through South Carolina, you might pass through a town or city that sounds like somewhere you've been before, or at least read about it in books or seen on television. Like these, for example...

Hollywood Hills

Broadway Lake

Norway

Denmark

Switzerland

Florence

Waterloo

Parris Island

and

Paris Mountain

7)  RAMPANT ANIMALIA:  It's also not uncommon for various animals to appear in the names of towns and cities. And South Carolina has plenty of those, too...

Cowpens

Spiderweb

Turkey Hill

Tigerville

Dovesville

Buffalo

Swansea

Goose Creek

Bull Island

Cat Island

and

Goat Island

8)  NATIVE AMERICAN NAMES:  No disrespect intended whatsoever, but some of the strangest-sounding towns, cities, and other places derive from Native American words and phrases. Call me weird – and I am – but I just happen to love 'em! Here's a few good South Carolina examples...

Ashepoo

Socastee

Callawassie Island

Awendaw

Lake Jocassee

Yemassee

Pocotaligo

Taxahaw

Chechessee River

Coosawhatchie

Wattacoo Creek

Salkehatchie

and last but not least...

Wassamassaw Swamp

9)  JUST PLAIN WEIRD!  Following with tradition from previous posts of this nature, here's a bevy of South Carolina place names that defy explanation, and can't easily be grouped elsewhere. Why? Because they're just plain weird! And yes, there will be appropriately snarky (and perhaps groan-worthy) comments for each. Here we go...

Effingham  (home of euphemistic pork haters)

Drunken Jack Island  (where Drunken Jack goes on vacation)

Townville  (where thinking creatively is strictly prohibited)

Fingerville  (I don't think I want to know...)

Fair Play  (sounds like a lovely place to live, actually)

Lucknow  (what we all could use a little more of)

Round O  (renamed a few years ago, when 

they realized that Square O was illogical)

Thicketty  (because it is)

Jalapa  (junkyard capital of the world)

Wisacky  (how Drunken Jack pronounces "whiskey")

Daufuskie Island  (named after a 

very unfortunately named person)

Secession Lake  (yeah, about that...they never 

got around to renaming it after the War)

Mixville  (home to many bakers, paint dealers, and deejays)

Goodale State Park  (where Drunken Jack

goes to purchase his favorite beverages)

Lugoff  (spontaneously named during a tire change)

Dentsville  (the "wannabe" junkyard capital of the world)

Boggy Head Bay  (named by Drunken 

Jack in a moment of almost-clarity)

Little Kilsock Bay  (what did the sock ever do to you, Shorty?)

Arkwright  ("Noah" would've been a lot shorter, ya know)

Prosperity  (what we could all use a little more of)

Welcome  (where you always are)

Southern Shops  (something for everyone,

except if you're a Yankee)

Powdersville  (talcum capital of the world)

Startex  (just down the road from Stopex)

Coward  (a popular retirement spot for military deserters)

Sans Souci  (it means "worry-free"; apparently 

"Hakuna Matata" was already trademarked by Disney)

Irmo  (how Drunken Jack says "Elmo")

and finally...

West Ashley Inside Mark Clark

(I can't even begin to guess how this place was named!)

This Week In Sports: Notable NFL Transactions

For those of you who don't already know, this is the week when NFL football teams have to pare their rosters all the way down to 53 players in preparation for the first game of the season. Needless to say, a lot of hard decisions have to be made, and many players will be cleaning out their lockers and calling their agents, looking for another chance with another team. Some are perhaps even facing the end of their careers, and not by their choice. I felt it only appropriate to catalog a few of the more notable players who were waived, released, terminated, placed on the injured reserve or physically-unable-to-perform lists, or otherwise notified that their services would no longer be required.

If you were hoping for an insightful analysis of why each of these players was released, and perhaps even my predictions of where they might be headed next, you have come to the wrong site. In my own twisted way, I will be theorizing about why these players parted ways with their teams, but my reasons have been formulated strictly for laughs (hopefully!). I can neither confirm nor deny that any of these are the actual reasons for the players' departure. In other words, I'm making it all up...


1)  Jimmy Sadler-McQueen was released by the Houston Titans when the team tailors threatened to go on strike if they had to take extra time out of their already-busy schedules to sew all the letters of Sadler-McQueen's name onto the back of his jersey.

Jimmy "Why Couldn't My Name Just Be Smith?" Sadler-McQueen

2)  Frank Zombo was placed on the physically-unable-to-perform list by the Green Bay Packers when a fellow teammate (whose face Zombo had recently attempted to eat) broke Zombo's leg in three places.

Frank Zombo, undead and loving it!

3)  Jojo Nicolas and Joel Reinders were waived by the New York Giants because their names were too reminiscent of the holiday season. Apparently, Nicolas' and Reinders' teammates had been spending an excessive amount of time exchanging Christmas lists with each other and not enough time lifting weights, and the team was not happy about this.

Jojo Nicolas –  he's no saint!

Joel Reinders, doesn't pull sleds for Santa

3)  Jason Slowey was waived by the San Francisco 49ers when the team realized that he only ran fast when donuts were dangled in front of him, and that this unusual setup would not be feasible during an actual game.

Jason Slowey – he runs on Dunkin'

4)  Matt Cleveland was waived by the Cleveland Browns for being redundant.

Matt Cleveland – he didn't want to play for the Browns anyway

5)  The Chicago Bears terminated the contract of John McCargo when it was determined that he was just dead weight.

John McCargo, always has to pay extra before boarding a plane

6)  Pep Levingston was waived by the Seattle Seahawks when he just flat ran out of energy.

Pep Levingston, out of breath and out of work

7)  Kyle Newhall-Caballero was waived by the Oakland Raiders, which had recently hired a new group of tailors who had previously worked for the New York Giants (see #1 above).

Kyle Newhall-Caballero, really wishes he'd made
the team, now he's stuck with this stupid haircut

8)  Emmanuel Acho was placed on injured reserve by the Cleveland Browns when he sneezed one time too many and ruptured his spleen.

Emmanuel "Gesundheit" Acho, hates allergy season

9)  Edawn Coughman was waived by the Seattle Seahawks when the team realized they could no longer increase their Nyquil budget.

Edawn Coughman, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching,
 stuffy-headed, and can't rest – but at least he has his health

10)  Jameson Konz was waived by the Seattle Seahawks when the team realized that they had been played for a fool.

Jameson Konz – fool you once, shame
on me; fool you twice, shame on you...

11)  Solomon Elimimian was waived by the Minnesota Vikings when local sportscasters threatened to go on strike if they had to pronounce Solomon's last name five times per game.

Solomon Elimimian – what would you prefer? Jones? C'mon, I'm Nigerian!

12)  Jason Spitz was placed on injured reserve by the Jacksonville Jaguars due to chronic saliva overproduction. It was either that, or they'd have to put in artificial grass, because Spitz had caused half the end zone to erode in the team's preseason games.

Jason Spitz, expectorator extraordinaire

13)  David Clowney was released by the Buffalo Bills, because he just couldn't be serious for one lousy minute, for crying out loud, and the coach had had just about enough of his foolishness.

David Clowney – why so serious?

14)  Al Everest, special teams coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was told to take a hike when it was clear that he was at less than peak performance as a coach. According to the team, Everest had failed to reach the highest heights for quite some time, and had been dangling by a very thin rope all preseason long.

Al Everest, feeling lower than he's ever felt before

Videos Of Animals Eating Fruit

And now for something completely random...well, you already read the title. This is exactly what it was advertised to be...videos of animals eating fruit. Many of these either fascinated me or cracked me up – I don't know why. A couple of them were slightly boring, but they went with the theme, so I included them. (And yes, I realize that apples show up twice here, but both videos were too good to pass up.) Enjoy?


1)  A Koala Eating An Apple

2)  A Monkey Eating An Orange

3)  A Box Turtle Eating A Strawberry

4)  A Cat Eating A Banana

5)  A Dog Eating Blueberries

6)  A Squirrel Eating A Lemon

7)  A Raccoon Eating Cherries

8)  An Iguana Eating Grapes

9)  A Goat Eating Watermelon

10)  A Hippopotamus Eating A Pumpkin

11)  An Elephant Eating A Pineapple

12)  A Llama Eating An Apple

Words You Can Make Using Letters From The Words "Back To School"

DISCLAIMER:  Though I am married to a teacher who is starting back at school today, she neither suggested nor "defined" any of the following words. This is all me. True, I have heard plenty of teacher horror stories, but not just from my wife. I also have several close friends and relatives who are teachers. And on the other side of the desk, as it were, I know and am friends with quite a few students (and believe it or not, I actually was one a long time ago!). So, this post is not based on the experiences of any one teacher or student that I know, but is an amalgamation of all of them. With that being said, enjoy!


1)  Boathooks:  Tools that some teachers might wish they could use to gather in unruly students to where they're supposed to be.

2)  Sackcloth:  Fashionable apparel for mourners, and perhaps teachers who did not want to go back to school today.

3)  Cockatoos:  What noisy students sound like to weary teachers.

4)  Klatsch:  A casual social gathering, usually for conversation. Or, what some students think school is designed to be.

5)  Tobacco:  A substance that some teachers – and unfortunately, some students – may use to deal with the stresses of school.

6)  Cahoots:  What some students are "in" with each other – usually against another student, but sometimes against a teacher.

7)  Accost:  What some students, unfortunately, occasionally do to other students. Also known as bullying.

8)  Block:  A method of scheduling the six-hour school day into "blocks" of class time. A block schedule keeps students in class for longer periods of time, reducing the amount of time students spend transitioning between classes, and giving students and teachers more opportunities to get to know each other. Some teachers and students love block scheduling, and some absolutely hate it. It just depends. (Definition copied directly from Education.com.)

9)  Chalk:  Do teachers even use this anymore? With the preponderance of dry-erase boards and SMART Boards, I'm not sure they do. But they did in my day (oh BOY, do I sound old!).

10)  Scotch:  A beverage that some teachers – and, unfortunately, some students – may use to deal with the stresses of school.

11)  Cocoa:  A much better option for teachers and students to drink to help deal with the stresses of school.

12)  Clock:  A device for telling time, which is watched quite frequently by both teachers and students.

13)  Achoo:  A sound that is heard often in schools, usually followed by a "Bless You!" from the teacher, or perhaps another student.

14)  Halos:  What some parents think their kids wear on a regular basis, especially when they're at school.

15)  Blah:  What teachers' words sound like to students, especially in triplicate. (i.e., "blah blah blah...")

16)  Cool:  What a few kids actually are, and what all the rest of them want to be.

17)  Coast:  Where most teachers (and most students, too) would rather be than at school today.

18)  Shock:  What first-year teachers are experiencing today.

19)  (A) Blast:  What parents hope their kids will have on the first day of school.

20)  Chaos:  What teachers know will actually happen on the first day of school.