True, I was much younger and far more inexperienced as a human being when I wrote most of these. But even taking that into consideration, I have written some truly lousy stuff in my time.
Some of it isn't even all that horrible as much as it is embarrassingly shallow and dreadfully self-deprecating. (You want teen angst? I got teen angst, in spades – or I did, at least!)
So, despite the fact that 99.9% of this drivel should never, ever, ever see the light of day, I have a blog post to write today, and I figured that you should have to suffer through some of this junk every bit as much as I have had to in rereading it recently.
There's little value in the pieces to follow, so consider yourself forewarned. It is interesting, though, to see how much I've learned about writing in the years since these pieces were written. I'd like to think I've come a long, long way...
1) "Ode To Lunch Meat"
A long and lovely road I've traveled
To the supermarket
I would have driven the car
But I forgot how to park it
I came to get my lunch meat one day
When I suddenly found that it had gone away
They had sold out my lunch meat
And I was quite sad
The manager said, "Sorry!"
But I think he was glad
They've stopped stocking lunch meat
Since I've come around
They don't think that lunch meat
Belongs in their town
But I am trying to show them the light
That lunch meat is cool, and harmless despite
Of its bad reputation in North Dakota
But what do they know
They're from North Dakota
Lunch meat is fine
If you're hungry or starving
And even if you aren't
You can use it for carving
Lunch meat sculptures
Can bring big high prices
And who was it that said
Those lunch meats aren't nices
Well, no matter what
The whole world may say
I like my lunch meat
And here it will stay
In my stomach
And mostly hanging up on my wall
Happy lunch meat to you
And happy lunch meat to all.
2) "Strong"
I know there's gonna be some hurtin'
But I must be strong
When it's time to close the curtain
Another love will come along
I know that when you left me
I was cryin' but then
My heart's still weak
And it will break
Time and time again.
I must be strong
Only way to live my life
I must be strong
For love, I'd give my life
I'll carry on
Baby, it's so plain to see
Our love is gone
That we weren't meant to be
I must be strong
Ya know that I must be strong...
3) "Just A Freak In The Side Show"*
No one really likes me
No one ever did
Just because I'm not cool
I'm just a stupid kid
'Cause I don't like their music
And I don't wear those clothes
They treat me like a nerd or freak
And sometimes both of those.
People like to put me down
Just 'cause I'm a little weird
They look at me and frown
I'm criticized and jeered
People laugh and try to
Make me feel so low
Because to them
I'm just a freak in the side show...
4) "Blinded By Tuna"
Where has the time gone
Since the last time we were here
And how come the time passed by so fast
And why does it seem
That I have never met you, dear
Things were so different in the past.
And I can't recognize you
With a tuna on my eyes
Please, baby, tell me truly
Will I ever realize...that I was
Blinded by tuna once again
Thought I was living in pretend
Thought I could make it in the end
Blinded by tuna once again...
5) "Soda Biscuit"
I want to smell the furnace
I want to eat the fire
I want to know the answers
I want to bleed with desire
I want to be so self-absorbed
I don't know who I am anymore
I want to dance barefoot in the garden
I'm gonna fling myself at your door
I'll teach the world to sing off-key
I'll pull the worm out of the earth
I have to find my origins
I gotta know just what I'm worth
I want the brains of an ostrich in the wilderness
I wanna scratch the chalkboard after midnight
Hey, Mr. Gravity, why am I doing this
Why is my head spinning off into the night?
I think I have a serious problem
'Cause I wanna be with you
Guess the fire drill didn't warn me
So I'm stuck not being blue
I told the psycho I was crazy
And he said I shouldn't risk it
There's no sense in being lazy
'Cause I am just a soda biscuit...
6) "Take A Sip Of My Thermos Bottle, Baby"
I don't have no germs
And I don't even slobber
And you don't even like me
So why should you even bother
What real harm could it do
I just wanna burp with you
So won't you
Take a sip of my Thermos bottle, baby
It won't be too disgusting, maybe
It's not like I ever had rabies
So won't you
Take a sip of my Thermos bottle, baby...
7) "Udder Confusion"
I went to the barnyard in the early morning
The cow was in the stable
And she gave me no warning
I went to milk the cow
So I could have some milk for breakfast
But the bucket was dry
'Cause the cow wouldn't give.
I tried once more
Till my hands were achin'
But the cow wasn't willing
And the sun was bakin'
"Moo," said the cow
And I kicked her lightly
I said, "I'd like to kill you, Cow
But only slightly."
It was udder confusion
It was udder confusion
The cow wouldn't give
And the bucket was dry
And now I'm here to tell you why
It was udder confusion...
8) "The Love U-Boat"
I was cruisin' on the highway
On the way to my appointment
At the U-boat
Which was settin' sail at one
I had brought my new explosives
They were burnin' such a hole
In my pocket, but so what
I was havin' fun!
At the U-boat I was smilin'
As I parked my old jalopy
This U-boat was my only ticket out
I was lookin' forward to the trip
But didn't quite expect
What was comin' when
I found what love's about.
I saw a blonde-haired German chick
And this is what she told me
She said, "Guten abend, ist wunderbar, ja?"
In my crudest German accent
I said "Ja" and smiled, and knew
That this girl Gretchen
Was gonna steal my heart.
We were floatin' on the water
On the love U-boat
On our way to fight in World War II
Then I took one look at her
And that was all she wrote
I fell in love
Hey, what else could I do?...
9) "Dah-Dee-Dum-Dum" (a rap song)
We got da syllabillic dream
Psychedelic, don't it seem
Jumpin' on da music scene
Gotta tell ya what it means
Funky lyrics, groovy beat
Make ya wanna move ya feet
Shut ya mouth and take a seat
What a Philharmonic feat,
Sing it!
Dah-dee-dum-dum (repeat 4x)
Catch a ride on da rhythm
Take a trip on da beat
Sing "Dah-dee-dum-dum"
And move your feet! Now ya better recognize
That we gonna harmonize
See da passion in our eyes
Dat'll make ya realize
Nappy-headed, broken-hearted
Can't remember where we started
Seems we never have departed
Guess dat makes it a little harder
Kick it!
Dah-dee-dum-dum (repeat 4x)
Catch a ride on da rhythm
Take a trip on da beat
Sing "Dah-dee-dum-dum"
And move your feet!
Now ya heard da funky lyrics
Gotta feel dat funky groove
Make ya spastic like elastic
Get ya butt right on the move
Get ya goin', you'll be knowin'
That ya epidermis showin'
Don't be spreadin'
What you're gettin'
'Cause the weasel will be dead
And then you gotta clear the scene
Leave the syllabillic dream
Psychedelic, yeah it seems
That you trippin', that you mean
Gettin' better, get my letter
Put the pedal to the floor
Better put the clunker in reverse
Before ya shut da door
Call me stupid, call me lame
Just call me any afternoon
'Cause I always listen to
The things ya tell me in my room
Sing it!
10) "Torpedo"
Here's the chocolate cake I made for you
Before you threw it in my face
Truthfully, I really think you're hostile
Is there any way that you can change?
Well, over there are all the memories I've forgotten
The good times at the supermarket where we shopped
The flame is dying, as the muffins start to burn
And love has left us, like a salamander does.
If you don't love me, just say it
If you wanna scold me, just do it
Apathy's not in my credo
So why don't you just
Shoot me with a torpedo....
OK, OK, that's enough of that for now. I have plenty more where these came from, and I just might torture you with more in the future. At least you know now what you're getting into next time....
* Co-authored by Don Spivey
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