Thursday, November 8, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Vintage Ads With Creepy Clowns

I may have said before that I was done with the Vintage Ads mini-series, but these Creepy Clown ads were simply too good to pass up. For those of you who are coulrophobic (afraid of clowns), you might want to skip this one. Or better yet, face your fears and power through that by giving these a look-see. Enjoy?

Buy our baking soda, or else this spiky-haired clown will haunt your
dreams. Well, he might haunt your dreams either way, but still...
you really should buy our baking soda. Because you can't tell what the
clown is hiding behind his back. Maybe a balloon. Maybe a hatchet.

Join Bozo The Clown each weekday at 5:00 as he
decapitates himself on live TV for your entertainment!
Kids – and parents, too! – will laugh their heads off!

Come to the circus. We have candy to eat, balloons to
enjoy, games to play, and clowns with hundreds of razor-sharp 
teeth with which to bite you! It's fun for the whole family!

Nothing says fun like a drunken
clown with a Ten High smile!

Cultured clowns prefer Old Dutch International Beer.
Or, as they like to call it, happy-happy-joy-joy juice.

Scoopy's Cake Cups: The Fun Time Treat!
Try 'em, you'll like 'em! They're to die for!

Aww, poor little guy! He's out of Schlitz! But I think he'll be alright.
Judging by the redness of his nose, he's already had a snootful.

It looks like the clown and the giant are truly enjoying their "happy
moment" – but I'm not sure it has anything to do with Beech-Nut Gum.

"Hovis Bread is more nourishing than Beef Steak and White Bread and
[is] much more digestible. Supplied to the Queen and Royal Family. Cure
for Indigestion. Absolutely necessary for all growing children." Which is why
they chose a creepy Shakespearean clown as their spokesperson, I suppose.

Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care, I'll shred you up like a grizzly bear.

As if the anthropomorphic Kool-Aid pitcher wasn't already creepy
enough, they had to go and add a clown into the mix. (Pun intended.)

Spoons to scoop out your liver. Forks to spear your spleen.
Knives to chop you up. And clowns to give you nightmares.

I drink your blood. Mmm, so tasty! Goes down chocolate.

Was this one of those Afternoon Specials they used to make
during the '70s and '80s? If so, I missed this one. Shucks!

If you want to grow up big and strong and creepy like me,
try Bluebird's Circus Brand Fruit Drinks. It's Grrrr....ape!! Go away. Far away. And put down my flower.

If you're old enough not to pee your pants when
you see this picture, then you're old enough to 
smoke Clown Cigars. (I'm not old enough.)

This picture is conclusive proof that clowns are demons.
After all, have you ever seen a clown and a demon
in the same room? Hmm? Me neither. See? Proof!

Come to the circus. We'll be here waiting for you. 
With bells on. And giant shoes. And chainsaws.

I don't think any kid, anywhere, at any time period in history,
would willingly stick their hand in this clown's mouth to 
deposit their savings. Think about it: It's made of iron. Better
to clamp down on your child's fingers, my dear. The 
eyes move. Your child feels like he's being watched.
The tongue moves. There's no good reason for that. No,
thank you, Humpty Dumpty. I'm sticking with the pig.

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