Practical Advice From Guys Named Jim

"If you are not willing to risk the unusual,

you will have to settle for the ordinary."

~  Jim Rohn, businessman

"Avoid fruits and nuts.

You are what you eat."

~  Jim Davis, cartoonist

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear;

after that, fear has no power, 

and the fear of freedom shrinks 

and vanishes. You are free."

~  Jim Morrison, musician

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot

keep to gain what he cannot lose."

~  Jim Elliot, missionary

"If you aren't in the moment, you are 

either looking forward to uncertainty,

or back to pain and regret."

~  Jim Carrey, actor

"If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full

day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days

a week, you're going to have something special."

~  Jim Valvano, basketball coach

"Life's like a movie; write your own ending.

Keep believing, keep pretending."

~  Jim Henson, puppeteer

"Motivation is what gets you started.

Habit is what keeps you going."

~  Jim Ryun, athlete

"Be thankful for problems. If they 

were less difficult, someone with 

less ability might have your job."

~  Jim Lovell, astronaut

"Losing is no disgrace if

you've given your best."

~  Jim Palmer, athlete

"You cannot learn anything from 

success, you only learn from failure."

~  Jim Dale, actor

"Good judgment comes from experience.

Experience comes from bad judgment."

~  Jim Horning, scientist

36 People Who Are Already More Successful At My Age Than I Will Ever Be

I know it's self-defeating to compare yourself to other people, because everyone is different, and what truly defines success is completely subjective. But it's my birthday and I feel like deflating my already flimsy ego a bit, so here goes nothing. Don't take it too seriously – my tongue is planted firmly in cheek as I write this – but still...  ~  JH

Karina Smirnoff:  She was the 

Season 13 winner on Dancing With

The Stars. I wasn't. And never will be.

Chad Johnson (aka Chad Ocho Cinco):  

He's a six-time Pro Bowl wide receiver.

I'm not. And I never will be.

Ashton Kutcher:  He's starred in not one

but two successful TV sitcoms as well as countless

movies. I haven't even visited Hollywood.

James Franco:  He's won a Golden

Globe and been nominated for an

Oscar. In his spare time, he teaches 

courses on short film production 

and screenwriting. I write 

about clothes for a living.

Erin Andrews:  She's been a sportscaster,

journalist, and TV personality who's worked

for ESPN, Fox Sports, and Good Morning

America. I just watch SportsCenter every day.

Shawn Marion:  He won an NBA

championship with the Dallas Mavericks

in 2011. I've flown into the Dallas/

Fort Worth airport a couple of times.

Laetitia Casta:  She's regarded 

as one of the most beautiful 

supermodels in the world. I'm not.

Barry Zito:  He parlayed a Cy

Young award into a 7-year, 

$126 million contract. I...

don't make nearly that much.

Brian Urlacher:  He played for 13 years

in the NFL, winning Rookie of the Year, 

Defensive Player of the Year, and was

elected to Pro Bowls. I've watched him

play on television. That's about it.

Benji Gregory:  He was on ALF. I would

have given my right eye to be on ALF.

Bill Hader:  He was a regular cast member

of Saturday Night Live. He's been in a string of

successful comedies. I crack lame jokes on my blogs.

Joshua Jackson & Anna Torv:  The stars of

TV's über-fascinating sci-fi drama, Fringe.

Watching it on Netflix is about as close as I'll

ever get to experiencing that level of cool.

Dirk Nowitzki:  He's a 12-time

All-Star, former MVP, and one-

time NBA champ. He's considered

one of the greatest power forwards

in NBA history. I shoot bricks. A lot.

Zoe Saldana:  She's been in two 

Star Trek films, as well as in 

Avatar. I've...seen those films.

Champ Bailey:  A 12-time Pro Bowler

who's widely regarded as one of the

best pass defenders in NFL history. 

I'm widely regarded as one of the

best gas passers in my household.

Aramis Ramírez:  He's hit over

350 homeruns and driven in

more than 1,200 runs in his

MLB career. I was 0 for 8 in

my high school baseball "career."

Nicole Scherzinger:  She's very

attractive and sings quite well.

I sing okay, and – well, you 

know what I look like. Ugh!

Topher Grace:  Along with Ashton Kutcher,

he was one of the lead actors on That '70s

Show. I...watched that show a fair bit.

Ben Sheets:  He was a four-time

MLB All-Star and Summer Olympic

gold medalist. Even though he 

blew out his arm at a relatively 

young age, he still had a better 

career than I ever will.

Josh Hartnett:  He's starred in blockbuster

hits such as Pearl Harbor, Black Hawk Down, and

Sin City. I used to have a Blockbuster membership.

Kurt Busch:  Winner of 24 NASCAR Sprint

Cup Series races and the 2004 champion,

Busch gets paid to drive very fast. When 

I do that, all I get are speeding tickets.

Kobe Bryant:  He's a 16-time All-Star,

15-time All-NBA Team, and 12-time

member of the All-Defensive Team.

He's a 5-time NBA champion, 2-time

Finals MVP, a regular-season MVP,

and a surefire future Hall of Famer. I

used to play NBA Jam on my Sega Genesis.

Ed Reed:  A nine-time Pro Bowler,

former NFL Defensive Player of the Year,

and one-time Super Bowl champion, Reed

is considered one of the greatest safeties

of all time in the NFL. I always wear my

safety belt when driving or riding in a car.

Usher:  He's won 8 American Music

Awards, 20 Billboard Music Awards,

8 Grammys, and 2 MTV Video Music

Awards, among countless other honors.

I once served as an usher for the

Summer Theatre program at ECU.

John Lackey:  Despite being infamous

for his surly demeanor and his habit

of drinking beer and eating fried

chicken during his own team's games,

this guy has won 138 games in the big

leagues and has two World Series rings

to show for it. I've never won anything.

Matthew Morrison:  He portrays the

charismatic glee club teacher on the

hit TV series, Glee. He's appeared in 

numerous Broadway and Off-Broadway

productions. I sing in the shower.

Bubba Watson:  One of the few

left-handed golfers on the PGA

Tour, Bubba won the Masters 

Tournament in 2012. I have never

played a round of golf in my life.

But I am left-handed.

Reggie Wayne:  A six-time Pro Bowl

selection and member of the Colts'

Super Bowl XLI championship team,

Wayne has amassed over 1,000 receptions

and more than 13,500 receiving yards 

during his career. I once worked in the

Receiving Department at Barnes & Noble.

Rachel McAdams:  She's starred in a

number of hit movies such as Mean Girls,

The Notebook, Wedding Crashers,

Sherlock Holmes, and The Vow. I've

seen a lot of hit movies such as these.

Katherine Heigl:  She's starred in

the hit medical drama, Grey's Anatomy,

for which we won a Primetime Emmy.

She's been in a string of hit movies,

most of them romantic comedies.

Let's face it – I can't compete with that.

Mat Kearney:  He's one of the more

talented singer-songwriters in the biz

today. He's won a GMA Dove Award 

and scored 5 top-20 hits on the Adult

Top 40 Chart. I've written a bunch of 

songs I've never sung for anyone

anywhere and probably never will.

Nelly Furtado:  She's an 8-time

Grammy nominee and 2-time

Grammy winner. I'm like a bird.

Vernon Wells:  Despite fizzling

out late in his career (he's still

an active player), Wells has been

a 3-time All-Star, 3-time Gold Glove

winner, and 1-time Silver Slugger

Award winner. He's hit nearly 300

homeruns and driven in almost 1,000

runs over his 14-year career. I have both 

Gold and Silver strands in my beard hair.

Katie Holmes:  She starred in Dawson's

Creek, had a key role in Batman Begins,

and has appeared on Broadway in an

Arthur Miller play. She was also married

to a talented yet insane fellow actor.

I married a talented yet not insane person.

Now this is a comparison that I'm okay with.

Manny Pacquiao:  He's the first and only

eight-division world champion in boxing, in

which he was won ten world titles. He holds an

impressive record of 55 wins (38 by TKO) and 

only 5 losses. He's also served in the House 

of Representatives in his home country 

of The Philippines. I get knocked down, 

but I don't usually get up again.

Per Your Suggestion: "Pet Rock Meets Count Chocula"

This story, suggested by my friend Angela Mageau, was by far the most challenging "crazy title" that's come to life thus far. In point of fact, a fair bit of research was necessary. The brief, yet über-popular "Pet Rock" phenomenon was slightly before my time, and I hadn't seen a Count Chocula TV commercial (or eaten the cereal) in many, many years. So a bit of memory refreshing, as well as some first-time knowledge acquisition, was essential to this story even happening. That being said, it's not actually a "story," per se. More like a dialogue, or perhaps a skit. Whatever it is, I hope you enjoy it, Angela. I hope everyone else does, too.  ~  JH

"PET ROCK MEETS COUNT CHOCULA"

SETTING: 

Therapist's office

CHARACTERS:

Pet Rock (PR):  Think Woody Allen, inanimately speaking

Count Chocula (CC):  One-track mind, speaks in a Transylvanian accent

CC: So, vhat seems to be de problem?

PR:  I don't know exactly. Sometimes I feel like everyone has forgotten about me.

CC: Don't be scared…to tell me more.

PR:  I just feel like I'm being taken for granted.

CC:  Ah, ah, taken for granite! Dat is a super-sweet joke, my friend!

PR: "Granted," not "granite." Sheesh! For someone who's paid to listen to people, you sure don't do a very good job of it.

CC:  My apologies. You are correct. Please continue.

PR:  The thing is, when I was first adopted, back in '75, I thought life as I knew it would forever change. I mean, one minute I was by the creek bed, the next I was in a cardboard box with straw and breathing holes, sitting on a shelf in Woolworth's. And then…

CC:  Yes, go on, please. I am listening.

PR:  It's hard to talk when you're crunching like that.

CC:  Sorry, I vas trying to satisfy de chocolate monster in me, vith a vitamin-charged bowl of double-chocolatey delight, de delicious super-sweet cereal dat I like to call Count Chocula. Named after me, of course. Ah, ah!

PR:  I didn't know these sessions had commercial breaks.

CC:  Dey don't. I am sorry. Please continue.

PR:  As I was saying, then I was adopted by a wonderful little boy whose name was Frank.

CC:  Franken Berry? Dat rascal always tries to find a way to one-up me! Not dis time! Count Chocula vill show him who is de boss!

PR:  Not Franken Berry, you schmuck! Frank. Johnson, if you must know. Now, can I please finish my story?

CC:  I vill not stop you from telling de story. Please, go on.

PR: Well, things were great at first. Frank adopted me, put me right on top of his toy box. Didn't feed me, didn't walk me, didn't bathe me, didn't groom me. Because I didn't need it. I was, as advertised, "the perfect pet."

CC:  Please hold on, just one moment if you vill. I find that I am craving another bowl of delicious chocolate sweeties vith de goblin-good, chocolate-flavored marshmallows. I vill be right back.

PR:  Fine, but I'm deducting this out of your hourly rate.

CC:  Okay, vhere vere we? Oh yes, you…dis Frank kid…perfect pet. Continue, please.

PR:  Anyway, things were going great. He had taught me how to sit, to stay, and even how to roll over – though I had to have a little bit of help with that one. Next he was going to train me to attack, which he said was very much a "team effort." But then one day, about six months after he'd adopted me, Frank just totally lost interest in me.

CC:  Vhat makes you say dat?

PR:  My first clue was when he traded me to his friend, Scooter, for a mood ring and fifty cents.

CC: Ah, de mood rings. I remember dem vell.

PR:  Really? That's all you got out of that?

CC:  I'm sorry. Continue.

PR:  Well, that's about it. Ever since then, I've been traded, sold, stored in an attic – you name it. Last week, I was taken to the landfill and dropped off, after a thrift store couldn't even get rid of me.

CC:  Dat's very sad.

PR:  Tell me about it. What do you think I should do?

CC:  About vhat, exactly?

PR:  If you'd get your face out of your cereal bowl for one second, you might know about "vhat". What am I supposed to do about my feelings of abandonment, about the loneliness that consumes me?

CC:  Do you really vant my honest opinion?

PR:  That's what I'm paying you for, isn't it?

CC:  Presumably, yes.

PR:  Okay, what is your honest opinion? What should I do?

CC:  I think you should kick back…

PR:  Yes…

CC:  Roll up de sleeves…

PR:  Uh-huh…

CC:  And sink your spoon into a monstrously large bowl of de world's super-sweet cereal: Count Chocula!

PR:  Are you kidding me?

CC:  Vhat do you mean, "kidding"? It's a double-chocolatey part of your complete breakfast! How can you go wrong?

PR:  This is hopeless!

CC:  Dere is no hopeless, but dere is chocolate-flavored marshmallows.

PR:  Thank you for your "advice," but I'm going to go jump off a bridge and drown myself now.

CC:  How 'bout a monster for breakfast today?

PR:  No, thank you, I'd rather die.

CC:  But rocks can't die!

PR:  Send me the bill, alright?

CC:  Don't forget, dere's a Mini-Monster toy inside every box. Collect dem all!

PR:  My address is "The Bottom Of The Lake." Goodbye!

CC:  Oh vell, you vin some, you lose some! Now vhere did I put dat box of Count Chocula?