36 People Who Are Already More Successful At My Age Than I Will Ever Be

I know it's self-defeating to compare yourself to other people, because everyone is different, and what truly defines success is completely subjective. But it's my birthday and I feel like deflating my already flimsy ego a bit, so here goes nothing. Don't take it too seriously – my tongue is planted firmly in cheek as I write this – but still...  ~  JH

Karina Smirnoff:  She was the 

Season 13 winner on Dancing With

The Stars. I wasn't. And never will be.

Chad Johnson (aka Chad Ocho Cinco):  

He's a six-time Pro Bowl wide receiver.

I'm not. And I never will be.

Ashton Kutcher:  He's starred in not one

but two successful TV sitcoms as well as countless

movies. I haven't even visited Hollywood.

James Franco:  He's won a Golden

Globe and been nominated for an

Oscar. In his spare time, he teaches 

courses on short film production 

and screenwriting. I write 

about clothes for a living.

Erin Andrews:  She's been a sportscaster,

journalist, and TV personality who's worked

for ESPN, Fox Sports, and Good Morning

America. I just watch SportsCenter every day.

Shawn Marion:  He won an NBA

championship with the Dallas Mavericks

in 2011. I've flown into the Dallas/

Fort Worth airport a couple of times.

Laetitia Casta:  She's regarded 

as one of the most beautiful 

supermodels in the world. I'm not.

Barry Zito:  He parlayed a Cy

Young award into a 7-year, 

$126 million contract. I...

don't make nearly that much.

Brian Urlacher:  He played for 13 years

in the NFL, winning Rookie of the Year, 

Defensive Player of the Year, and was

elected to Pro Bowls. I've watched him

play on television. That's about it.

Benji Gregory:  He was on ALF. I would

have given my right eye to be on ALF.

Bill Hader:  He was a regular cast member

of Saturday Night Live. He's been in a string of

successful comedies. I crack lame jokes on my blogs.

Joshua Jackson & Anna Torv:  The stars of

TV's über-fascinating sci-fi drama, Fringe.

Watching it on Netflix is about as close as I'll

ever get to experiencing that level of cool.

Dirk Nowitzki:  He's a 12-time

All-Star, former MVP, and one-

time NBA champ. He's considered

one of the greatest power forwards

in NBA history. I shoot bricks. A lot.

Zoe Saldana:  She's been in two 

Star Trek films, as well as in 

Avatar. I've...seen those films.

Champ Bailey:  A 12-time Pro Bowler

who's widely regarded as one of the

best pass defenders in NFL history. 

I'm widely regarded as one of the

best gas passers in my household.

Aramis Ramírez:  He's hit over

350 homeruns and driven in

more than 1,200 runs in his

MLB career. I was 0 for 8 in

my high school baseball "career."

Nicole Scherzinger:  She's very

attractive and sings quite well.

I sing okay, and – well, you 

know what I look like. Ugh!

Topher Grace:  Along with Ashton Kutcher,

he was one of the lead actors on That '70s

Show. I...watched that show a fair bit.

Ben Sheets:  He was a four-time

MLB All-Star and Summer Olympic

gold medalist. Even though he 

blew out his arm at a relatively 

young age, he still had a better 

career than I ever will.

Josh Hartnett:  He's starred in blockbuster

hits such as Pearl Harbor, Black Hawk Down, and

Sin City. I used to have a Blockbuster membership.

Kurt Busch:  Winner of 24 NASCAR Sprint

Cup Series races and the 2004 champion,

Busch gets paid to drive very fast. When 

I do that, all I get are speeding tickets.

Kobe Bryant:  He's a 16-time All-Star,

15-time All-NBA Team, and 12-time

member of the All-Defensive Team.

He's a 5-time NBA champion, 2-time

Finals MVP, a regular-season MVP,

and a surefire future Hall of Famer. I

used to play NBA Jam on my Sega Genesis.

Ed Reed:  A nine-time Pro Bowler,

former NFL Defensive Player of the Year,

and one-time Super Bowl champion, Reed

is considered one of the greatest safeties

of all time in the NFL. I always wear my

safety belt when driving or riding in a car.

Usher:  He's won 8 American Music

Awards, 20 Billboard Music Awards,

8 Grammys, and 2 MTV Video Music

Awards, among countless other honors.

I once served as an usher for the

Summer Theatre program at ECU.

John Lackey:  Despite being infamous

for his surly demeanor and his habit

of drinking beer and eating fried

chicken during his own team's games,

this guy has won 138 games in the big

leagues and has two World Series rings

to show for it. I've never won anything.

Matthew Morrison:  He portrays the

charismatic glee club teacher on the

hit TV series, Glee. He's appeared in 

numerous Broadway and Off-Broadway

productions. I sing in the shower.

Bubba Watson:  One of the few

left-handed golfers on the PGA

Tour, Bubba won the Masters 

Tournament in 2012. I have never

played a round of golf in my life.

But I am left-handed.

Reggie Wayne:  A six-time Pro Bowl

selection and member of the Colts'

Super Bowl XLI championship team,

Wayne has amassed over 1,000 receptions

and more than 13,500 receiving yards 

during his career. I once worked in the

Receiving Department at Barnes & Noble.

Rachel McAdams:  She's starred in a

number of hit movies such as Mean Girls,

The Notebook, Wedding Crashers,

Sherlock Holmes, and The Vow. I've

seen a lot of hit movies such as these.

Katherine Heigl:  She's starred in

the hit medical drama, Grey's Anatomy,

for which we won a Primetime Emmy.

She's been in a string of hit movies,

most of them romantic comedies.

Let's face it – I can't compete with that.

Mat Kearney:  He's one of the more

talented singer-songwriters in the biz

today. He's won a GMA Dove Award 

and scored 5 top-20 hits on the Adult

Top 40 Chart. I've written a bunch of 

songs I've never sung for anyone

anywhere and probably never will.

Nelly Furtado:  She's an 8-time

Grammy nominee and 2-time

Grammy winner. I'm like a bird.

Vernon Wells:  Despite fizzling

out late in his career (he's still

an active player), Wells has been

a 3-time All-Star, 3-time Gold Glove

winner, and 1-time Silver Slugger

Award winner. He's hit nearly 300

homeruns and driven in almost 1,000

runs over his 14-year career. I have both 

Gold and Silver strands in my beard hair.

Katie Holmes:  She starred in Dawson's

Creek, had a key role in Batman Begins,

and has appeared on Broadway in an

Arthur Miller play. She was also married

to a talented yet insane fellow actor.

I married a talented yet not insane person.

Now this is a comparison that I'm okay with.

Manny Pacquiao:  He's the first and only

eight-division world champion in boxing, in

which he was won ten world titles. He holds an

impressive record of 55 wins (38 by TKO) and 

only 5 losses. He's also served in the House 

of Representatives in his home country 

of The Philippines. I get knocked down, 

but I don't usually get up again.

Songs By Mononymous Singers, Vol. 2 – The Guys

In case you didn't see or read yesterday's post, I'll recap the intro as succinctly as I can. A mononym is "a one-word name by which a person is known." Many singers, songwriters, and musicians in the industry are (or have historically been) commonly known by a single name. Yesterday, I posted a collection of songs by mononymous female singers. Today, it's the singularly-named guys' turn. Enjoy!  ~  JH

(NOTE: Several notable mononymous males are absent  from this list, but that is by design. Prince not only has a comprehensive catalogue of wildly inappropriate music, but he also seems to have wiped his entire music video collection off the face of YouTube. Bono [U2] is a great singer, but he hasn't really done a whole lot solo, so I excluded him from consideration here. Yanni is a popular musician, but he isn't much of a singer. Eminem and Drake may be highly talented rappers in their own right, but their lyrics are so foul that I declined to post any of their music here.)

1)  Sting  ~  "Fields Of Gold"  (You can't go wrong with this guy – classic song, classic voice.)

2)  Moby  ~  "Raining Again"  (Moby doesn't always sing the vocals for his songs, but when he does he's not half bad!)

3)  Matisyahu  ~  "One Day"  (Wonderful song by a one-of-a-kind musician – a Hasidic Jew who sings reggae music!)

4)  Beck  ~  "Loser"  (Some of the most bizarre lyrics ever set to music can be found right here in this song.)

5)  Tedashii ft. BenJah  ~  "Last Goodbye"  (Two mononymous guys in one song – ha!  Warning: You might want to have your Kleenexes handy...)

6)  Maxwell  ~  "This Woman's Work"  (Wow, falsetto much?)

7)  Liberace  ~  "I'll Be Seeing You"  (Good googly-moogly, that outfit!)

8)  Babyface  ~  "Every Time I Close My Eyes"  (This guy's voice is smooth as silk – in other words, I'm jealous!)

9)  D'Angelo  ~  "Cruisin'"  (A classic old-school R & B song given a new-school vibe – I like it!)

10)  Donovan  ~  "Mellow Yellow"  (Donovan had to be on some serious drugs when he wrote this song – and maybe when he performed it, too – there's no other explanation for the blatant weirdness...)

11)  Gotye ft. Kimbra  ~  "Somebody That I Used To Know"  (A great song by two talented singers – both of whom are mononymous!)

12)  Seal  ~  "Kiss From A Rose"  (This was one of Seal's better ballads back in the day.)

13)  PSY  ~  "Gangnam Style"  (Oh, yes, I went there...)

14)  will.i.am ft. Cheryl Cole  ~  "Heartbreaker"  (Technically, I suppose you could say will.i.am is three different words, but I'm going with it anyway.)

15)  Morrissey  ~  "Alma Matters"  (I've heard a lot about this guy, but this is the first time I've actually listened to a song by him – nice voice...)

16)  Usher  ~  "Numb"  (Always a crowd favorite...)