20) Cutting Crew ~ "(I Just) Died In Your Arms" – As the singer cries out, "I just died in your arms tonight – it must've been something you said", I can only assume his love probably said something really nice to him. Which makes me wonder what would have happened if she'd something insulting? Would he have died at her feet instead? "I just died in your arms." How romantic! That was a real nice thing you said, Sweetie – what a shame our relationship must end here, with my dead, bloating carcass resting comfortably in your loving arms. You should've walked away, dude!
19) Aqua ~ "Barbie Girl" – Forgive me if the line "C'mon, Barbie, let's go party" sticks in your head long after you hear this. But remember – I didn't write the song. A really annoying person wrote the song, apparently. The "Barbie Girl" from the song title flounces about in clothes that would make Katy Perry proud, while her "Ken" just creeps out Barbie and everybody else royally. Seriously, what is up with that guy's voice? It sounds like he's been gargling with razor blades! And his hair – what little of it there is – who thought that was a good idea? But this is about the songs, right? And this song...well, it's just another pointless dance song.
18) Eric Carmen ~ "All By Myself" – This has got to be one of the sappiest, most self-deprecating songs ever! "Oh! Woe is me, my life is garbage, I can't even get a date," the singer moans – though not in those words exactly. Hey, dude, did you ever consider that maybe you're all by yourself 'cuz you're a wussy guy who sings like an insecure girl? And while you're at it – get a haircut, hippie! :)
17) Wild Cherry ~ "Play That Funky Music" – I don't even know where to begin with this one – it might not be a bad song if there were no singing, especially no singing of lyrics as bad as these. In fact, I'd probably play this song a lot if it were an instrumental. As it is, I don't and won't ever own this song, or ever listen to it again. On purpose.
16) Right Said Fred ~ "I'm Too Sexy" – After listening to this song once, it becomes glaringly obvious – if you believe the singer, that is – that he is too sexy for his shirt, his land, your party, his car, his hat, his cat, and his love . He concludes by staying that, ultimately, he's also too sexy for this song, at which point the song ends. He'd also like to remind you that he's a model – you know what he means? As a model, it's not uncommon for him to "do a little turn" and shake his little tush "on the catwalk." You're right, Fred, that is "too sexy." I'll take a rain check.
15) Rick Astley ~ "Never Gonna Give You Up" – Chances are, if you've spent any time at all on YouTube, you've unintentionally seen this video – in other words, you've been "Rick-Rolled". It's long been a popular ploy to make people click on a video that they think is about one thing – say, an exclusive video about a popular news story – and when you click on the video, this crappy music video is what you get. It's ridiculous, but every time it happens to you, you feel humiliated all over again. Every time that I'm "Rick-Rolled," this song blows me away yet again with its awfulness. Plus, every time I see Rick's 12-year-old-looking face and hear this deep, middle-aged-man voice coming out of it, it just messes with my head. Please – make it stop!
14) Snow ~ "Informer" – This song showcases a nerdy white man doing a fast-paced hybrid of reggae and rap about as well as any nerdy white man ever has – which is to say, not very well. What the heck is this guy saying anyway, besides "licky boom boom down" which means...what, exactly?
13) Michael Bolton ~ "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" – I'm sure this song holds special meaning for people who've lost their true loves, and don't know how they're supposed to live without them now that they've been loving them so long, and don't know how they're supposed to carry on when all that they've been living for is gone. And that's all well and good. I think it's mostly Michael Bolton, with his chiseled features, long curly hair, and imposing stature that I can't stand. Am I jealous of his looks? Maybe. Am I jealous of his whiny, screaming-cuz-I-can't-quite-hit-the-high-notes-but-still-need-to-sound-like-my-heart-is-breaking tenor voice? Definitely not.
12) New Kids On The Block "Hangin' Tough" – Nobody thought the New Kids On The Block were cooler than they did themselves. But thousands of others – especially screaming teenage girls – thought they were cool, too. But when you really think about it, most of their songs actually sucked. Take some of the lyrics from this song, for example: "Listen up, everybody, if you wanna take a chance / Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance / Don't worry 'bout nothing 'cause it won't take long / We're gonna put you in a trance with a funky song / 'Cause you gotta be hangin' tough..." Um, okay, if you say so. And their singing wasn't really much to write home about, either. So what exactly was so "tough" about these guys? Let me guess: it was their looks, right?
11) Billy Ray Cyrus ~ "Achy Breaky Heart"– Me not being a huge country music fan, you might wonder at the fact that this is the one and only country song on my list. Maybe it's just the generic sound of the song itself, the so-so voice of Billy Ray (others in country have been and are much better than he is), or maybe it's just his business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back mullet that I can't stand. Any way you shake it, this song received far more acclaim and popularity than it ever should have. Incidentally, Billy Ray's daughter, Miley, has been a recipient of the same kind of hype and popularity for her limited talent, too. I guess it runs in the family.
10) Starship ~ "We Built This City" – There are probably lots of people who like this song, an all-out-there anthem to rock-and-roll. But I'm not one of them. I like coherency in my lyrics, and this junk – "Marconi plays the Mamba / Listen to the radio / Don't you remember? / We built this city on rock and roll!" – just doesn't cut it. All in all, the song isn't horrible, it just isn't as good as Starship and their many fans think it is.
9) The Vapors ~ "Turning Japanese" – So, presumably, this guy's "turning Japanese" because he's suddenly gone hog-wild about taking pictures of his girl – which means that the whole song's based on a bad cultural stereotype. He also wants her doctor to take a picture of her insides so he can see those as well. That's kinda creepy – I'm pretty sure Japanese people don't do that unless there's a medical reason for it. This dude's just "turning into a skeeze!"
8) Hanson ~ "MMMBop" – I'm probably going to get smacked – literally or figuratively – by somebody for including this song in my list, but I can't help disliking it. Even though it's not played as much as it used to be, time hasn't made the song any better. The young lead singer's voice is still high-pitched, quite slurred, and frequently strained. The lyrics – including its infamous chorus: "MMMBop, ba dubi dop ba do bop, Ba dubi dop ba do bop, Ba dubi dop ba do" – still don't make any sense. It's been a long time since this song was a hit, but you still hear it on the radio occasionally. In ten or twenty years' time, though, "can you tell me who will still care?"
7) Crash Test Dummies ~ "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" – This guy's voice is ridiculously bad – it sounds like a record being played on the wrong speed – but the song lyrics are even worse. Don't believe me? Check out the first verse: "Once there was kid who / Got into an accident and couldn't come to school / But when he finally came back / His hair had turned from black into bright white / He said that it was from when the cars had smashed it so hard / Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm / Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm..." And it just gets worse from there. Incidentally, "Weird" Al Yankovic's spoof of this song, called "Headline News", is way better, and succeeds at being funny on purpose, not just funny because it's so awful.
6) Countess Luann ~ "Money Can't Buy You Class" – This "song" is one of many reasons why "reality TV stars" should never be allowed to see – much less use – a recording studio. While it may or may not be true that money can't buy you class – although the slutty-looking lingerie the Countess is wearing here seems to belie the fact that she considers herself classy – the one thing money most definitely can't buy you is a good singing voice. It can buy you plenty of plastic surgery so you don't look like you're in your late-40s (when you actually are). Money can even buy you singing lessons with the best vocal coaches in the world – but if you ain't got it, you simply ain't got it! And Countess Luann, you ain't got it. And you'll never have it, no matter how much money you throw down for it.
5) Baha Men ~ "Who Let The Dogs Out?" – This is absolutely the most pointless song ever recorded. The only two things it's got going for it are as follows: (a) These guys imitate a dog's woofing sound remarkably well when they say "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" in time to the beat. (b) The song does have a good beat, and you can dance to it – which is really the point anyway, isn't it?
4) Kim Zolciak ~ "Don't Be Tardy For The Party" – This monstrosity is yet another example of a "reality TV star" thinking she can sing, and being horribly wrong. The fact that the hook for this insipid song gets stuck in my head for minutes after it's over makes me hate it even more. Don't quit your day job, Kim! (Whatever that is.) Reality TV will probably never die – Lord help us all! – but awful songs like this one (thankfully) have a very short shelf life.
3) Vanilla Ice ~ "Ice Ice Baby" – Four words: Worst. White. Rapper. Ever. Admittedly, that isn't saying much. But let's take a closer look at the lyrics to this surprisingly popular song (at the time, at least): "All right, stop, collaborate, and listen / Ice is back with my brand new invention / Something grabs a hold of me tightly / Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly / Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know / Turn off the lights, and I'll glow / To the extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal / Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle." First of all, he used the word "collaborate" incorrectly – I'm not quite sure what word he meant to use, but "collaborate" wasn't it. Second, he's "back"? Where was he before? Why didn't he stay there, wherever that was? Thirdly, "my brand new invention" – what was that again, white boy rap? OK, so maybe he did invent it. But it's only gotten exponentially better since then. Fourthly, does a harpoon actually "flow"? Fifthly, does a vandal really "rock a mic"? Sixthly, I don't know exactly what's involved in waxing a chump like a candle, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there when it happens. That's all I got – "Word to your mother!"
2) Paul Anka ~ "You're Having My Baby" – So, nine months of morning (and sometimes night) sickness, swollen feet, strange cravings, and finally an excruciating delivery – that was all for me? To show me how much you love me? Thanks, babe. I owe ya one! After all, "you're the woman I love and I love what it's doin' to ya, and I love what's goin' through ya." Who was the guy – and it had to be a guy – that let this misogynistic mess hit the airwaves in the first place? Whoever he is, he's probably living a very lonely life right now.
1) Rebecca Black ~ "Friday" – This is the absolute best example that I can come up with as to what's wrong with popular music today. Anybody and their brother (or sister) can turn on their AutoTune machine, sing as badly as humanly possible, and still sound somewhat polished. Only thing is...young Rebecca Black still manages to sound flat, nasally, and out of tune, even with AutoTune on her voice the entire time! Add to that the stupidest lyrics ever set to "music," and you've got my all-time least favorite song AND the worst song I've ever heard, all in one three-minute track. These lyrics are so bad, I just had to post them in their entirety (below the video) – except for all the oo-ooh-ooh" and "yeah-ah-ah" parts (you'll hear those in the video, and that's bad enough).
"7am, wakin' up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends
Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend.
7:45, we're drivin' on the highway
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay!
I got this, you got this
Now you know it.
Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend.
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don't want this weekend to end.
(RAP)
R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat
In the back seat
I'm drivin', cruisin'
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side
Passin' by is a school bus
In front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock
Wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday
It's a weekend
We gonna have fun
C'mon, c'mon, y'all!
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend..."
