Poems For Your Perusal: More Alpha Poetry

If you read this post a few days ago, you already know what Alpha Poetry is. If not, click on the link in the previous sentence and be introduced to the concept behind these "flash poems".  Here's a new cycle I came up with recently. Hope you enjoy them...

Apart from you

I am complete.

With you

I am full.

Either way

I'm doing okay.

Buy one get one

At half price

Does that work

With hearts, too?

Clap if you like it

Groan if you hate it

But you must react

So they can know

How to feel

About their efforts.

Dust off your boots

Step out the door

And keep walking.

But keep trying!

One slammed door

Does not mean

You failed.

Everybody says

They are fine

When the truth is

No one is fine.

Everybody lies

Because the truth is

Too scary to face.

Flip a coin

If it lands

On heads

So will you.

If it lands

On tails

Down you go.

If it never lands

You'll know

It was never

Meant to be.

Get a life

But don't take

Someone else's

I'm sure they

Have plans for it.

And shortening it

Was likely not

One of them.

Hope you have

A wonderful day

Or that at least

No one spits

In your face

Because that

Is a terrible way

To spend a birthday.

(Speaking from experience)

In the event

Of an actual emergency

I'll be the first one

Out the door.

Fend for yourself

Or give up

But don't expect me

To save you.

This is retribution.

Jeering voices

Disapproving

You should have

Bought the chocolate

Instead. Don't they

Always prefer it?

What were you thinking?

Keep looking up

And you're likely

To get guano

In your eye

And that's sure

To get you down.

Lisping speech

Hard to decipher

What she's saying.

But it sounds like

An apology.

I'm thorry too.

Maybe I should have

Paid better attention

When you said you

Were done. I thought

You meant your breakfast.

But you haven't returned

So I'm guessing I was wrong.

Not what I expected.

Better! Life is full

Of surprises sometimes.

Usually bad ones

But sometimes good ones too.

I should be less pessimistic.

Overwhelming me

With honesty!

There's only so much

Truth I can take

In one sitting.

Tell me a lie or two.

I need time to recover.

Possible answers

Yes, no, never, always

What will you say?

I am impatient.

Quicker than before

You seem to be getting

The hang of it.

I wish I were

A faster learner.

Rising cost of living

Means less in my pocket.

Except for lint

Which always multiplies

And is never affected

By inflation.

What I wouldn't give

To be lint.

Sustaining that kind of productivity

For more than a week denotes

Superhumanity. Stop making us

Look bad already! We're doing

The best we can with gnarled hands.

This is not the right time

To be discussing this.

People are staring.

You're making a spectacle.

Please, can we talk about this

Later? We could have coffee

And settle our differences.

Why does it always have to be

A big production? I get it.

You've always wanted to direct.

Undoubtedly you think

That your master plan

Is foolproof. Well, it isn't.

I found several flaws

And I'm as big a fool

As anyone else.

Vague references

To unsolved crimes

Number one suspect

But how did he do it?

He lied.

Went to town. Be back

In a bit. Take what you

Need. Leave the money

On the counter. I trust

You. See that it's not

Misplaced. Or I may

Have to come back and

Tear you limb from limb.

Xylophone music

Playing in the background

Who'd have ever thought

You could bob your head

To clink-clink-clink-clink?

But there's no mistaking it

That song is catchy.

Yes, I did call you earlier.

I was trying to find out

If you got my message.

You know the one I mean.

When I said I never wanted

To speak to you again?

Yeah? Well, I changed my mind.

Zip your lip

No one must know

Until it is time.

Useless to worry

About possibilities.

"Rough Day? We Have Fried Bananas!"

So, I was heading to the library the other day to check out some audiobooks, and I was struck by the utter weirdness of the message that was lettered on the sign of the Thai restaurant right across the street from the library. It read: "Rough Day? We Have Fried Bananas!" I wish I had had a camera to record this oddity for all posterity, but I didn't so you'll just have to take my word for it.

However, a large number of unintentionally funny, purposefully oddball, or totally apathetic messages have made their way to the signs at restaurants all over the world, and other people were a lot better prepared than I was with a camera. I've gathered a few of these for your enjoyment. There were plenty more I could have included, but a lot of them were dirty and inappropriate for this (or anybody else's) blog. Hope you enjoy!


1)  The "Disgruntled Employee" Sign.  I'm sure a lot of us have felt the same way before, especially in our earliest, most menial jobs.

2)  The "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden" Sign.  At least they're honest about their lackluster customer service.

3)  The "Yeah, I Know The Letters Just Fell Off, But It's Still Ironically Funny" Sign.  Truth in advertising? I hope not. I like KFC!

4)  The "Eat Here At Your Own Risk" Sign.  It may be good for your soul, but may not be that great on your stomach. Consider yourself warned.

5) The "Have A Little Respect For Your Elders" Sign.  They're probably wiser than you anyway. They know that the best way to kill your business fast is to tell everyone about this sign. And get their grandchildren to post a picture of it online.

6) The "No Thank You, I'm Full" Sign.  I don't know if 15,000 Rp. is expensive or cheap, but no price is low enough for this mess. I'll pass, thanks.

7)  The "You Don't Have To Get Personal" Sign.  I know it's true, but you don't have to emphasize it. This will not make me want to eat all I can -- this will make me want to go home, curl up in a ball, and weep openly as I pine for my thinner years.

8) The "I'm Not As Dumb As You Look" Sign.  You're not fooling me! I may already be fat, but I know that Today's Special is anything but special. Take your double-talk and peddle it somewhere else. As for me, I'll be eating somewhere else.

9)  The "Was It Something We Served?" Sign.  I'm sure that's not what they meant to say, but it's still funny.

10)  The "I Don't Get Paid Enough To Do This Guy Got A New Job At Mickey D's" Sign.  'Nuff said.

 

BONUS ROUND:  The "Stop Racial Profiling Us" Sign.  This one's just wrong. Funny, but wrong!

The Good Kind Of Tired

We just got back home from a fun-filled weekend in the Raleigh/Durham area. We went to a concert last night: Lindsey McCaul and Royal Tailor opened for Matthew West and Casting Crowns. (They're all Christian bands, if you didn't know that already.) Great job by all of them! It was an awesome experience worshiping openly with thousands of other Christians. That's taking corporate worship to a whole new level. Previews of heaven? I think so.

We meandered our way around the Duke Gardens this afternoon with my sister-in-law and her hubby. Lots of lovely flowers and trees and water features. And sunshine and pollen. (More on those two later -- the sunshine and pollen, not my sister-in-law and her hubby). We climbed a magnolia tree, and took pictures to prove that it happened. We met a duck and his wife, Millard the Mallard and Henrietta the Hen. They offered us worms to eat, but we politely declined. We had nothing to offer them.

We headed back into Durham for a wonderful late lunch of pizza and arrived just in time for the last few minutes of the UNC-Chapel Hill and N.C. State basketball game. We were in a room full of people who hated Carolina (and probably loved Duke, Lord help them) and a few Wolfpack fans. Being a Carolina fan myself but not really having a dog in the race, I mostly kept quiet. Though I silently rejoiced when Carolina pulled out a dubious last-second win.

We then went back to the family's house to relax for a bit before hitting the road to come back home. I spent the next couple of hours petting a monstrously large dog who deigned to sit in my lap for a time, and a medium-sized dog who looked at me with sad eyes saying "Just one more pat on the head, please," and a just-right-sized dog who shook my hand cordially every time I said his name.

Then I was sick. Slightly violently ill, actually, though that phrase is somewhat cliche by now. I was sick again, and then again. I took some medicine and after awhile began to feel a little better. But the headache that foreshadowed the whole business persisted (and still persists as I write this). It dawned on me. I'd gotten a little too much sun at the gardens.

Being a fair-haired, fair-skinned person, I don't do too well with lots of sunshine (it doesn't even have to be that warm), and I tend to get feeling sick this way. It happened a few years ago when we went on a missions trip to Mexico. It happens nearly every time we go to the beach.

Now, finally home again, I'm killing the pain with Ibuprofen and trying to relax. It's been a long day, and already a long weekend, but it's been a good one. I'm tired, but it's the good kind of tired. The kind of tired you get from doing things you enjoy, like going to concerts, going to gardens, eating pizza. The kind of tired you also get from being sick, though that's hardly the good kind.

I committed myself to write a blog post every day, and this is one of those day where I'd just as soon skip it, but here it is. I may have bored you with this account, but having dumped my brain of its contents (at least the recent additions) I can rest now. Till tomorrow....

Short Story: "We Are Not The World: An Unresearched Report"

I had fun rewriting this one. First of all, let me say that the "theory" presented in this story is not my personal philosophy, or even anything that I agree with – it's fiction, pure and simple. This story goes out to all those smarter-than-me, know-it-all kids I used to hate back in school. You know the ones – they always had all the answers, always made the best grades on tests, and often had these wild theories about random things which they couldn't prove but you couldn't disprove either. Maybe you used to be one of these kids yourself. Or maybe you hated them too. Or at least intensely disliked them. Either way. This story is a sort of comeuppance for kids like that. And yet, this girl is still not shaken in the end. I hate her. Hopefully you will too. Enjoy!

"WE ARE NOT THE WORLD: An Unresearched Report"

Dorothea began by clearing her throat. The sound was earthy, almost primeval, originating from deep within the cavernous confines of her prodigious gut, and was amplified through the live microphone almost to obscenity. Oblivious to the scowls of premature disapproval, Dorothea glanced down at her notes and started reading:

"For thousands of years humankind has existed on this Earth. And for as many thousands of years we have attempted to determine our purpose. What does this life of ours mean? What is our reason for existence?

"There have been numerous theories regarding the meaning of life. Some would argue that we exist merely to reproduce, and thereby create numerous other creatures like ourselves. Others would contend that our sole purpose is to glorify the Creator of all life, so that we might stand before Him blameless at the Day of Judgment. Still others might say that time is a continuum and that we are constantly evolving into greater, more supernatural beings which will ultimately become part of the world itself.

"Today I stand before you to refute these and all similar theories as bogus, and to declare that I – and I alone – possess the knowledge of the meaning of all life, human and otherwise."

Dorothea gathered herself for the big reveal, amid curious chatter from her audience. They knew that nothing terribly profound or important could ever originate from the mind of Dorothea Vickers of all people. Still, they were interested in what she had to say, if for no other reason than to fuel the fires they planned to burn her with later.

Dorothea continued: "Throughout all of my studies and all of my research, I have indeed discovered the true meaning of life, and this is it. The reason we exist is to destroy ourselves."

Dorothea paused to let the truth sink in. Audible groans and snickers, along with a few gasps of disbelief, pervaded the silence. Anticipating their dissent, Dorothea raised both hands high in the air to indicate that she wished to continue without their assistance. Most disregarded her pleading gestures and continued mocking Dorothea, though their words eventually dissolved into hushed whispers. They didn't want to miss anything else she had to say.

"Before you criticize me," Dorothea cried, "please allow me to elaborate. You have all, I'm sure, heard of the universal laws of gravitation, formulated by a brilliant scientist named Mr. Isaac Newton." She paused only briefly to make sure they were still with her, and seeing a few grudgingly given nods, plodded forward. "Well, the first law of gravitation, which is commonly and appropriately referred to as 'the first law', states – and I quote – 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.' Unquote. While this law specifically refers to scientific actions and reactions, it can also be used to demonstrate a greater, universal truth. Mr. Newton, unbeknownst to himself, actually stumbled upon a snippet of the meaning of life here.

"Case in point: If every action requires that there must be an equal and opposite reaction, then for every birth there must also be a death. And as births and deaths are an everyday occurrence, I need not further prove this statement. I am certain that there are books somewhere where these things can be looked up, and if you choose to do so, that is your business.

"Therefore, if for every birth there must also be a death, then it is left to us – or rather, to me – to examine more closely the ways in which births and deaths can occur. Traffic accidents, nonfunctioning parachutes, undercooked chicken, and venomous snakes – these are just a few examples of things which are responsible for countless accidental deaths each day. According to Mr. Newton's 'first law', for every accidental death there must also be an accidental birth. Therefore, it only stands to reason that a large percentage of births each day, in particular fifty percent of all births, occur accidentally. As there are many ways in which births can occur by accident, and most of these are common knowledge, I need not elaborate further. However, if you so choose, I am sure there are books in which you can look this up also, as well as the World Wide Web which I have heard is moderately helpful in various aspects of research.

"As any daily newspaper and television news report will attest, there is also a growing trend toward intentional deaths, namely homicide and suicide. Common variations on these include patricide, infanticide, genocide, and insecticide – well, perhaps not insecticide. A joke – ha, ha!" The audience was unimpressed.

Dorothea continued: "Therefore, it only stands to reason that a large percentage of births each day, again an even fifty percent of all births, occur intentionally. Some would argue that the rate of intentional births would far outweigh the accidental births, but I – and indeed Science itself – would tend to disagree. Again, if you doubt me, please feel free to look it up. I understand there is now an electronic device called a smartphone, which is apparently quite intelligent and able to answer difficult or troubling questions. Perhaps you will find this device useful in attempting to disprove me.

"In conclusion, the...conclusion...that I have come to is this: That we are born, we live, and we die in order to die, live, and be born. This is our purpose. This is why we are here. To destroy and be destroyed.

"I am certain that not all of you will agree with my findings, and that is perfectly fine. But I can go to sleep at night knowing that my judgment is sound and my thinking is right. Can you naysayers say the same? Nay, I say!

"So, the next time you hear someone spouting off that we are gods or God, or that we are in actuality a part of the world itself, or that we have a purpose higher than ourselves and a calling beyond this life, remember these words. We are not gods or God. We are not the world. We are destroyers – of life, and of ourselves. But we will be reborn. We are always reborn. It's scientific that way."

Dorothea Vickers made a polite bow toward the speechless audience and waited perfunctorily for the applause she didn't really expect to hear. Seconds later, she exited the stage with her head held high. Proud that she had dared to speak out against everything she or anyone else had been told or taught, Dorothea smiled contentedly to herself. 

She finally knew why she was here. And now everyone would know.