Sunday, May 20, 2012

Unfortunately Named Restaurants & Other Businesses

Apparently, attorneys and law firms aren't the only ones who make bad branding decisions. Check out this fresh batch of badly named businesses, compiled from various places on the Internet. A lot of these are restaurants, but a few other kinds of businesses also made the cut (but probably wish they hadn't). Enjoy!

It costs a little more, but it'll really keep you going for the long haul.


I hear this place is really catching on...


Trying to appeal to a younger market? Check. Odd name for an eating establishment? Double check. (For the slang-challenged folks out there, "fo shizzle" means "for sure".)


I don't even want to know...

I thought it was called "Shepherd's Pie," not "Equestrian's Pie."

Hope they've got plenty of stalls...

This is why cultural stereotypes will never go away. Folks keep playing right into them time and time again.


Hey, now! That's getting a little personal, don't ya think?

I'll only go if it's "lazy." (Confused? Look at my blog's web address.)

This is so unappealing in more ways than I can count...

What was that other word you wanted in the name of the restaurant? You can't remember, either? Ah well, I'll just put something up there.

I'll take a spicy tuna roll and two Californian rolls. Wait, those aren't in season, are they? Make that two Floridian rolls. And easy on the blood this time, 'kay?

Can't decide if this is clever or just stupid. I'm leaning toward the former...

Truth in advertising...

Well, if you have to ask...

OK, this one wasn't that interesting. Sorry!

I'm glad all businesses don't tell you what they want you to do, or I might develop a complex. Well, another complex.

He was known as the Great Physician, but I don't think this is what that meant...

What do you wanna bet that the owners of this business have been visiting Dr. Jesus' shop a few too many times?

It may BE truth in advertising, but in this case they might want to soften the blow just a WEE bit.

PMS and firearms??? Two words that should never, ever, ever go together!

That's all right. They probably sell stupid products, too.

Um...okay.

ROFL, LMBO! IDK what they were thinking! LOL!

Well, I never thought it was before, but now I do. I'm going somewhere else...

I don't know if they are or not, but I have a friend who'll eat anything as long as he has enough hot sauce to douse on it.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

This Will Only Take A Minute Of Your Time: Three Drabbles

A unique and relatively new art form, these very-short stories called "drabbles" total exactly 100 words apiece, excluding the titles. Hope you'll enjoy reading them!


Shh...It's A Secret!

I wasn't supposed to say nothing about it. They told me it was a secret. But now I've done gone and blown it. It's not like it was my fault or nothing. They pressured me into it. They held a gun to my head. Not literally, I mean – but it was a nice, big, shiny figurative gun, and I could tell that thing was loaded. Just 'cuz some people know don't mean everyone has to. I'll not tell a soul. You just go ahead and holster that smoking figment of my imagination and I won't breathe a word. Scout’s honor.


You Might Want To Sit Down For This...

Hey, Joe? Remember that nutjob Noah we've been poking fun at all these years? You know – the one who says the earth’s gonna be destroyed by water coming out of the sky because God told him so? Yeah, that's the one. Well, listen, I hate to tell you this, but I was just outside, see? And these big ol' drops of water started pelting me on the head. That's right, from the sky. And the river seems to be rising a bit too. Think we should take old Noah up on his offer after all? Say what? The door's closed?!?!


May I Have Your Attention, Please?
"May I have your attention, please? If there is a ‘Bill Gates’ in the store, please come to the front. You left your windows open and your car has restarted itself for no apparent reason. (aside) What’d you say? What do you mean, ‘it was a joke’? If I wasn’t supposed to read that out loud, why did you put it in front of me? 'For kicks'? Well, thanks a lot! Now people will think I’m a complete idiot! What do you mean, ‘Keep talking and you’ll remove all doubt’? Oh, for crying out loud! Turn off the intercom already!"

Friday, May 18, 2012

The 20 Worst Songs I've Ever Heard


20)  Cutting Crew ~ "(I Just) Died In Your Arms" – As the singer cries out, "I just died in your arms tonight – it must've been something you said", I can only assume his love probably said something really nice to him. Which makes me wonder what would have happened if she'd something insulting? Would he have died at her feet instead? "I just died in your arms." How romantic! That was a real nice thing you said, Sweetie – what a shame our relationship must end here, with my dead, bloating carcass resting comfortably in your loving arms. You should've walked away, dude!



19)  Aqua ~ "Barbie Girl" – Forgive me if the line "C'mon, Barbie, let's go party" sticks in your head long after you hear this. But remember – I didn't write the song. A really annoying person wrote the song, apparently. The "Barbie Girl" from the song title flounces about in clothes that would make Katy Perry proud, while her "Ken" just creeps out Barbie and everybody else royally. Seriously, what is up with that guy's voice? It sounds like he's been gargling with razor blades! And his hair – what little of it there is – who thought that was a good idea? But this is about the songs, right? And this song...well, it's just another pointless dance song.



18)  Eric Carmen ~ "All By Myself" – This has got to be one of the sappiest, most self-deprecating songs ever! "Oh! Woe is me, my life is garbage, I can't even get a date," the singer moans – though not in those words exactly. Hey, dude, did you ever consider that maybe you're all by yourself 'cuz you're a wussy guy who sings like an insecure girl? And while you're at it – get a haircut, hippie! :)



17)  Wild Cherry ~ "Play That Funky Music" I don't even know where to begin with this one – it might not be a bad song if there were no singing, especially no singing of lyrics as bad as these. In fact, I'd probably play this song a lot if it were an instrumental. As it is, I don't and won't ever own this song, or ever listen to it again. On purpose.



16)  Right Said Fred ~ "I'm Too Sexy" – After listening to this song once, it becomes glaringly obvious – if you believe the singer, that is – that he is too sexy for his shirt, his land, your party, his car, his hat, his cat, and his love . He concludes by staying that, ultimately, he's also too sexy for this song, at which point the song ends. He'd also like to remind you that he's a model – you know what he means? As a model, it's not uncommon for him to "do a little turn" and shake his little tush "on the catwalk." You're right, Fred, that is "too sexy." I'll take a rain check.



15)  Rick Astley ~ "Never Gonna Give You Up" – Chances are, if you've spent any time at all on YouTube, you've unintentionally seen this video – in other words, you've been "Rick-Rolled". It's long been a popular ploy to make people click on a video that they think is about one thing – say, an exclusive video about a popular news story – and when you click on the video, this crappy music video is what you get. It's ridiculous, but every time it happens to you, you feel humiliated all over again. Every time that I'm "Rick-Rolled," this song blows me away yet again with its awfulness. Plus, every time I see Rick's 12-year-old-looking face and hear this deep, middle-aged-man voice coming out of it, it just messes with my head. Please make it stop!



14)  Snow ~ "Informer" – This song showcases a nerdy white man doing a fast-paced hybrid of reggae and rap about as well as any nerdy white man ever has – which is to say, not very well. What the heck is this guy saying anyway, besides "licky boom boom down" which means...what, exactly?



13)  Michael Bolton ~ "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" – I'm sure this song holds special meaning for people who've lost their true loves, and don't know how they're supposed to live without them now that they've been loving them so long, and don't know how they're supposed to carry on when all that they've been living for is gone. And that's all well and good. I think it's mostly Michael Bolton, with his chiseled features, long curly hair, and imposing stature that I can't stand. Am I jealous of his looks? Maybe. Am I jealous of his whiny, screaming-cuz-I-can't-quite-hit-the-high-notes-but-still-need-to-sound-like-my-heart-is-breaking tenor voice? Definitely not.



12)  New Kids On The Block "Hangin' Tough" – Nobody thought the New Kids On The Block were cooler than they did themselves. But thousands of others – especially screaming teenage girls – thought they were cool, too. But when you really think about it, most of their songs actually sucked. Take some of the lyrics from this song, for example: "Listen up, everybody, if you wanna take a chance / Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance / Don't worry 'bout nothing 'cause it won't take long / We're gonna put you in a trance with a funky song / 'Cause you gotta be hangin' tough..." Um, okay, if you say so. And their singing wasn't really much to write home about, either. So what exactly was so "tough" about these guys? Let me guess: it was their looks, right?



11)  Billy Ray Cyrus ~ "Achy Breaky Heart"– Me not being a huge country music fan, you might wonder at the fact that this is the one and only country song on my list. Maybe it's just the generic sound of the song itself, the so-so voice of Billy Ray (others in country have been and are much better than he is), or maybe it's just his business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back mullet that I can't stand. Any way you shake it, this song received far more acclaim and popularity than it ever should have. Incidentally, Billy Ray's daughter, Miley, has been a recipient of the same kind of hype and popularity for her limited talent, too. I guess it runs in the family.



10)  Starship ~ "We Built This City" – There are probably lots of people who like this song, an all-out-there anthem to rock-and-roll. But I'm not one of them. I like coherency in my lyrics, and this junk – "Marconi plays the Mamba / Listen to the radio / Don't you remember? / We built this city on rock and roll!" – just doesn't cut it. All in all, the song isn't horrible, it just isn't as good as Starship and their many fans think it is.



9)  The Vapors ~ "Turning Japanese" – So, presumably, this guy's "turning Japanese" because he's suddenly gone hog-wild about taking pictures of his girl – which means that the whole song's based on a bad cultural stereotype. He also wants her doctor to take a picture of her insides so he can see those as well. That's kinda creepy –  I'm pretty sure Japanese people don't do that unless there's a medical reason for it. This dude's just "turning into a skeeze!"



8)  Hanson ~ "MMMBop" – I'm probably going to get smacked – literally or figuratively  – by somebody for including this song in my list, but I can't help disliking it. Even though it's not played as much as it used to be, time hasn't made the song any better. The young lead singer's voice is still high-pitched, quite slurred, and frequently strained. The lyrics – including its infamous chorus: "MMMBop, ba dubi dop ba do bop, Ba dubi dop ba do bop, Ba dubi dop ba do" – still don't make any sense. It's been a long time since this song was a hit, but you still hear it on the radio occasionally. In ten or twenty years' time, though, "can you tell me who will still care?"




7)  Crash Test Dummies ~ "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" – This guy's voice is ridiculously bad – it sounds like a record being played on the wrong speed but the song lyrics are even worse. Don't believe me? Check out the first verse: "Once there was kid who / Got into an accident and couldn't come to school / But when he finally came back / His hair had turned from black into bright white / He said that it was from when the cars had smashed it so hard / Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm / Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm..." And it just gets worse from there. Incidentally, "Weird" Al Yankovic's spoof of this song, called "Headline News", is way better, and succeeds at being funny on purpose, not just funny because it's so awful.



6)  Countess Luann ~ "Money Can't Buy You Class" – This "song" is one of many reasons why "reality TV stars" should never be allowed to see – much less use – a recording studio. While it may or may not be true that money can't buy you class – although the slutty-looking lingerie the Countess is wearing here seems to belie the fact that she considers herself classy – the one thing money most definitely can't buy you is a good singing voice. It can buy you plenty of plastic surgery so you don't look like you're in your late-40s (when you actually are). Money can even buy you singing lessons with the best vocal coaches in the world – but if you ain't got it, you simply ain't got it! And Countess Luann, you ain't got it. And you'll never have it, no matter how much money you throw down for it.



5)  Baha Men ~ "Who Let The Dogs Out?" – This is absolutely the most pointless song ever recorded. The only two things it's got going for it are as follows:  (a) These guys imitate a dog's woofing sound remarkably well when they say "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" in time to the beat.  (b) The song does have a good beat, and you can dance to it – which is really the point anyway, isn't it?



4)  Kim Zolciak ~ "Don't Be Tardy For The Party" – This monstrosity is yet another example of a "reality TV star" thinking she can sing, and being horribly wrong. The fact that the hook for this insipid song gets stuck in my head for minutes after it's over makes me hate it even more. Don't quit your day job, Kim! (Whatever that is.) Reality TV will probably never die – Lord help us all! – but awful songs like this one (thankfully) have a very short shelf life.



3)  Vanilla Ice ~ "Ice Ice Baby" – Four words: Worst. White. Rapper. Ever. Admittedly, that isn't saying much. But let's take a closer look at the lyrics to this surprisingly popular song (at the time, at least): "All right, stop, collaborate, and listen / Ice is back with my brand new invention / Something grabs a hold of me tightly / Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly / Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know / Turn off the lights, and I'll glow / To the extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal / Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle." First of all, he used the word "collaborate" incorrectly – I'm not quite sure what word he meant to use, but "collaborate" wasn't it. Second, he's "back"? Where was he before? Why didn't he stay there, wherever that was? Thirdly, "my brand new invention" – what was that again, white boy rap? OK, so maybe he did invent it. But it's only gotten exponentially better since then. Fourthly, does a harpoon actually "flow"? Fifthly, does a vandal really "rock a mic"? Sixthly, I don't know exactly what's involved in waxing a chump like a candle, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there when it happens. That's all I got – "Word to your mother!"



2)  Paul Anka ~ "You're Having My Baby" – So, nine months of morning (and sometimes night) sickness, swollen feet, strange cravings, and finally an excruciating delivery – that was all for me? To show me how much you love me? Thanks, babe. I owe ya one! After all, "you're the woman I love and I love what it's doin' to ya, and I love what's goin' through ya." Who was the guy – and it had to be a guy – that let this misogynistic mess hit the airwaves in the first place? Whoever he is, he's probably living a very lonely life right now.



1)  Rebecca Black ~ "Friday" – This is the absolute best example that I can come up with as to what's wrong with popular music today. Anybody and their brother (or sister) can turn on their AutoTune machine, sing as badly as humanly possible, and still sound somewhat polished. Only thing is...young Rebecca Black still manages to sound flat, nasally, and out of tune, even with AutoTune on her voice the entire time! Add to that the stupidest lyrics ever set to "music," and you've got my all-time least favorite song AND the worst song I've ever heard, all in one three-minute track. These lyrics are so bad, I just had to post them in their entirety (below the video) – except for all the oo-ooh-ooh" and "yeah-ah-ah" parts (you'll hear those in the video, and that's bad enough).



"7am, wakin' up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend.

7:45, we're drivin' on the highway
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay!
I got this, you got this
Now you know it.

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend.

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don't want this weekend to end.

(RAP)
R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat
In the back seat
I'm drivin', cruisin'
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side
Passin' by is a school bus
In front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock
Wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday
It's a weekend
We gonna have fun
C'mon, c'mon, y'all!

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward
To the weekend
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Partyin', partyin', yeah!
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend..."

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Short Story: "Renting Out The Guest Room"

This is that other story I was telling you about the other day. I didn't mean to write another new story. It just sort of happened. I didn't see how the story was going to go until I started writing it, so I was as surprised by the denouement as you (hopefully) will be. Here goes something. Hope you like it.



"RENTING OUT THE GUEST ROOM"


We've been trying to get rid of this place for years. It's too small, there's no yard, and the neighbors are annoying (and you can hear them through the walls). We've even put it up for sale a few times, but there haven't been any takers. 

Finally, a few months ago we decided that we might as well take advantage of our situation, and make a little money from the place since we can't seem to get rid of it. With two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and there only being the two of us, we thought: Why not rent out the other bedroom and start saving a little money to go towards our retirement? Sure, it'd be a tad inconvenient with only the one shower, but we'd make it work. Especially if the renter was someone we knew – that wouldn't be so bad, right? Turns out it was the worst idea we ever had. 

My friend Gibby – not his real name, but no one ever calls him Lowell – needed a place to stay for a few months while he was looking for a more permanent place. He wasn't interesting in buying our apartment, though we did try to sell him on it. 

Gibby was starting school in a couple of months and needed some time to get reacquainted with the city he once knew well. It's grown so much here in the years since he moved way, and Gibby said he could barely find his way around anymore. 

He found a decent job – not a great one, mind you – that paid well enough to afford the rent and stock our fridge with his food. Gibby didn't have a car, but there was a bus stop right down the road and he said he didn't mind taking the bus to work. 

All in all, a low-risk situation for us. Sure, we wouldn't have much privacy for the next couple of months, but it was only temporary. Plus, we'd have a little extra money in the bank when it was all said and done. Little did we know what Gibby liked to do in his spare time (and in our spare room, as it turns out). 

Early one Thursday evening, my wife and I saw flashing red and blue lights illuminating the night sky just outside our patio. I peeked out the back door window and saw two officers approaching. One of them knocked on the door a half-second before I opened it. 

Without preamble, the taller of the two officers stated, "Good evening. We're looking for a Lowell Gibson who lives at this address." 

"He does live here," I said, "But he's at work right now. He doesn't usually get home till around 11:30. Can I ask what this is all about?" 

The shorter officer piped in at this point. "We need to ask him a few questions about some girls that have gone missing." 

My wife, who'd remained on the couch, let out a gasp, and I stifled one of my own. "Gibby?" I exclaimed. "I'm sorry, Officer, but I think you've got the wrong guy. Gibby – uh, Lowell – is harmless. He wouldn't hurt a fly." 

"That's what they said about Norman Bates, too, isn't it?" replied the taller officer. 

"Norman who?" I inquired. 

"Bates. From Psycho," said the shorter officer, whose name badge read ironically – "Norman". "The movie, you know?" 

I nodded that I understood, then quickly shook my head confusedly. "Wait a second. You guys really think that Gibby had something to do with some missing girls? Really?" 

My wife walked up behind me and put her arm around my waist; I could feel her fingers quivering just slightly. 

"Let's just say we have some questions for him," said the taller officer, whose name, according to his badge, was "Kellum". These guys talked like a bad episode of Law And Order, but they seemed otherwise legit.

"Well, come in if you'd like," I invited them. "But I told you, Gibby – ah, Lowell – is not here." 

"Do you mind if we take a look around?" asked Norman, doing just that with his eyes as he spoke. 

I quickly weighed the options. What's more important: My loyalty to my oldest and dearest friend, or my duty as a citizen to let these officers paw around in said friend's stuff? 

"Certainly," my wife interjected, making the decision for us both. 

"Um," I gulped, glaring at her briefly before returning my gaze to Officer Kellum. "Do you fellas have a – a whatchamacallit – a search warrant?" 

"No," replied Kellum, staring intently at me. "Do we need one?" 

Before I could answer him, my wife blurted out, "Certainly not!" I gave her another dirty look – which obviously did no good – and the officers began their search. 

For a second or two, they simply stood right where they were, observing I assumed, since they're trained to do that. Then – with Norman in the lead, followed closely by Kellum – they proceeded to the kitchen. The room seemed to hold little interest for either of them, so they headed up the stairs.

"Gibby's room is the one on the right!" my wife called up helpfully, and began ascending the stairs after them. I threw up my hands helplessly, and trailed behind her. 

We both stopped in the hallway at the top of the stairs, seeing that both bedroom doors hung wide open. Kellum was in our bedroom, taking a cursory glance at every surface, stooping briefly to peer under our bed, before proceeding to our bathroom and – by the sound of it – rifling through the closet. 

"I've got something!" shouted Officer Norman, a little too excitedly from our guest room – Gibby's room. My wife took a step in his direction, but Norman held up a hand of warning, saying, "Ma'am, it's best if you stay right where you are." Seriously, what was this, Dragnet 2012?

Kellum stomped through our hallway of bathrooms and popped his head inside the guest bedroom doorway. "What is it?" he asked. 

"What kinda necklace was that Popkin girl wearing when she was last seen?" 

Kellum shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. 

"I'll tell you what it was," Norman answered himself. "It was a charm necklace with her name on it. 'C-A-N-D-Y'. See it right here?" As Norman held up the necklace for all to see, my wife and I exchanged a horrified glance. 

"What's that on the 'D' there?" said Kellum and took a step forward to grab the necklace in his gloved hand. "Looks like blood to me." 

"That it does," replied Norman.

"Oh, no!" my wife cried, and buried her face in my chest. 

"There's lots more of 'em, too," said Norman, half-grinning, seemingly enjoying all of this a bit more than the rest of us. "Bracelets, rings, driver's licenses, a finger." 

"A finger?" I shouted, incredulously. "There's a finger in there?" 

"See for yourself." Norman extended a small keepsake box toward me, and I hesitantly looked inside just long enough to see a slender finger with a ring near the base of it. 

"I'm guessing he just wanted to keep the ring, but couldn't get it off, so he just hacked off the finger instead," said Norman, as calmly as though this were an everyday occurrence. If it is, I don't ever want to know. 

"I'm gonna call in forensics," said Kellum, and disappeared once more inside the bathroom. 

Norman set the box down on Gibby's bed, and approached us in the hallway. "Listen, folks, this place is now an active crime scene, and there's gonna be lots of people in and out the next couple of days. It might be best if you just spent two or three days in a hotel." 

"But –" my wife blurted.

"Ma'am, it's not a request," Norman interrupted. "You two gotta split. Pack only the clothes you need for a few days, and leave everything else as it is. We'll take care of everything else."

I furrowed my brow in confusion. I'd probably been doing so off and on since the officers had arrived. "This is crazy! You can't just kick us out of our house!" I shouted. 

"We can, and we are," replied Norman. "Now, forensics will be here any minute, so you two need to go ahead and clear out of here." 

I was certain that the attitude and bluster that these two officers – Norman in particular – had displayed was anything but according to procedure. But they had badges, and there was a probably-dead girl's necklace in a box in our guest bedroom, so we didn't have much room to complain. 

I still couldn't believe any of this was happening. Gibby, a kidnapper? A killer? None of this made sense. But we did as we were told, packed our things, gave our cell phone numbers to Officer Kellum, and left our apartment. 

Two weeks later (not two or three days, as Norman had incorrectly estimated) – after Gibby had been arrested and his room had been searched from top to bottom for evidence (and much had been found) – we were allowed to return home. 

The cops had left a mess, especially in the guest bedroom. We'd been questioned numerous times in the past two weeks and urged to tell the police anything we might have remembered seeing or hearing that was suspicious. There was nothing to tell – we were as flummoxed by all that had occurred as was the general public. 

As we would find out later, Gibby had never gotten a job since moving into our home. He had indeed been working at night, but not for money. Apparently, it had been for the thrill of killing. 

Gibby had murdered sixteen girls and young women in cold blood during the four weeks he had lived with us. Five of them had been killed in our guest bedroom while my wife and I were out to dinner or at church. 

He had done an exceptionally good job of covering his tracks. If it hadn't been for the "souvenirs" they'd found in his room, and the one body he hadn't hidden well enough which bore his DNA, he might never have been caught at all. Who knows how long my old friend might have continued killing? And if we'd ever found out, we might have been among his victims, too. 

It shouldn't come as much of a surprise that our house is now up for sale again. It also shouldn't come as a surprise that no one's interested in buying it. Oh, there have been a few showings, mostly sickos who wanted to see where one of the worst serial killers in this state's history did his dirty deeds. Folks with morbid curiosity, but who had no real interest in living in a slaughter house. So we're stuck here once again, and probably forever. 

We've thought about burning the place down to collect on the insurance, but nobody would ever believe it was an accident. Plus, with it being an apartment building, it just wouldn't be right to destroy other people's homes as well as our own. 

We've fixed the place up quite nicely in the past couple of months. We even got a professional in to clean the carpets. If you didn't know better, you'd never suspect that anything so terrible ever happened here. But you do know better, and so does everyone else. So here we stay. 

You know what the ironic thing about all this is? Since he was such a good friend, I didn't make Gibby pay up front. Then he was arrested before the first month was up. So we didn't even get any rent money out of the deal.