10 Things I DON'T Find Fascinating

1)  GOLF:  I have no interest in playing golf, watching it being played on television or in person, or even watching highlights of it on SportsCenter.

2)  KNITTING:  I think it's great that people are able to knit, and even to do so very well. I have a couple of friends who do. But I have no personal interest in knitting whatsoever, and I probably never will.

3)  MOTORCYCLES:  I have no desire to ride a motorcycle. I don't enjoy watching people race motorcycles. When a motorcycle passes by me on the road, I don't crane my neck toward it and say, "Wow!" I turn my head away and grumble, "Too loud!"

4)  ANIME:  I don't "get" the anime cartoons – I just can't seem to suspend my disbelief enough to enjoy them. I also don't like reading books from right to left ("manga" books are often printed this way).

5)  DESIGNER CLOTHING:  I recognize that oftentimes "designer" clothing and/or footwear is actually of higher quality than the generic (aka "cheap") stuff you can find at any department store, but I just don't care. If you were to ever ask me the inane question – "WHO are you wearing?" – I probably wouldn't even know. If I did know, the answer would probably be "Target" (and I wouldn't pronounce it "Tar-ZHAY" either).

6)  WHAT'S UNDER THE HOOD OF MY CAR:  I couldn't care less whether what I'm driving has a V-6, a Hemi, or whatever else kind of engine. I don't understand it, and I don't really want to. I think it's great that other guys (and ladies) are so well-informed about and fascinated by things such as carburetors and fuel injection, but I'm just not one of them.

7)  CELEBRITY GOSSIP:  Everybody famous seems to be doing something scandalous (or having scandalous done to them) at any given time. I could waste hours and hours of my time trying to keep up with who's divorcing whom, who's having a kid, and who's "getting the axe" on what show. Or I could not give a rip and be blissfully ignorant. I choose the latter.

8)  GADGETS:  If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not a tech-savvy kind of person. I just joined the e-book revolution this past fall. We bought our first laptop computer earlier this year. Our stereo at home has a cassette player on it. The tiny little iPod that we have doesn't even hold a gigabyte worth of songs. Also, we're not quite sure where the thing is. My cell phone makes and receives calls and texts, takes grainy photos, and does absolutely nothing else. So, I'm not going to lose a wink of sleep if I don't have the "latest and greatest" gadgets. If I had unlimited resources, maybe that would be different. But I just don't see the point in putting what little "disposable" income I have into fancy-schmancy electronics that are just going to be replaced by something "bigger and better" next season.

9)  FABRIC/CRAFT STORES:  This one could kind of go along with the knitting one earlier, but I felt the need to clarify that my lack of fascination with crafty stuff is far more widespread than just knitting. My wife dabbles in scrapbooking and other craft-making from time to time, and I'm glad she likes it – I really am. I'm just not that interested in doing it myself, and I'm especially not interested in spending lengthy amounts of time in stores shopping for materials and supplies. Fortunately, my wife doesn't ask me to go with her to these stores too often, and I almost never complain when we do go together.

10)  JUSTIN BIEBER:  I really don't get Bieber's appeal, and I likely never will. Okay, so girls think he's cute. That's all well and good. But he's a guy, and when he sings he sounds like a little girl. Not what I want to hear when I turn on my radio, stereo, or that iPod thingie. All of y'all Bieber Fever folks can have him, but I think I'll pass.

Let The Second Trimester Begin!

So here we are at week 14 of our pregnancy, meaning we've officially crossed over into the second trimester. It hardly seems like it's been 8 weeks now since we first found out we were expecting a little one.

Mary was still in school that week, and we had both noticed that she'd been feeling really tired all week. Like, scary tired! Getting drowsy on the way to school (she has a 30-minute commute one-way), falling asleep at her desk while kids were doing classwork, and consistently dragging herself to bed within an hour of finishing supper each night.

Mary's fellow teacher and mentor, who has five almost-grown kids, suggested that Mary should take a pregnancy test. Mary was dubious -- she was just tired, she thought; the incredibly long school year was winding down, and the fatigue made sense. Still, Mary's teacher friend insisted, she needed to take the test.

So the next morning, Mary took the pregnancy test. I knew she was going to do it that morning, but Mary almost always wakes up before me in the morning, even with an alarm clock on each side of our bed. When she called to me from the bathroom that morning, I was quite honestly a little grumpy. "Wha-a-at?" I vaguely remember murmuring. Mary calmly repeated my name, adding, "You might want to come in here."

When I saw the "positive" test, I woke up very quickly. A thousand thoughts started racing through my mind at once. This isn't real. This can't be real. We can't get pregnant. Well, we can, but there's got to be a problem. Just like the first time. Just like the second time. What if we are? What if this is really happening? Can this really be happening? What are we going to do? We need a bigger house. We have to call the doctor. I need a better-paying job. What are we going to do about daycare? Is this really happening? Oh my word, we're having a baby!!!

The good thing was that Mary had not been in any pain by this point. We were alerted to the existence of our first two pregnancies after she'd already had significant abdominal pain. OB/GYN visits happened shortly afterwards, and bad news was given. And then we weren't pregnant anymore.

But there had been no pain this time. Looking back at the calendar also told us that, if we were really pregnant this time -- like, for real, this is going to happen -- then we were several weeks farther along than we had been the first two times.

Mary called her doctor that morning, but she wasn't able to get an appointment to see her regular OB/GYN doctor that day. We would have to wait till Monday.

We spent the long weekend only telling the people we had to tell -- Mary's parents, my parents, her sisters, her principal (after all, she'd be missing time from school that Monday), and each of our closest friends. These are the people who would want to know even if there was a problem afterwards. Everyone else -- no offense, everyone else! -- could wait until we were more sure that things looked normal.

I would have been able to go to the doctor with Mary that Monday afternoon, but she said that she would rather go by herself. If it was bad news, she said, she could handle it better alone. I went to work, but didn't get a whole lot done that day. I was on pins and needles waiting for the news.

Mary called me as soon as she left the doctor's office. She wasn't crying, which was the first good sign. She sounded like she was smiling, which was the second good sign. She told me the doctor had taken an ultrasound, which we'd expected to happen. She told me that she'd seen the tiny growing baby in the uterus -- not the tubes. Bingo!

And it hit me. This is really happening. We're actually going to have a child. After years and years of trying. After two heartbreaking disappointments. After almost giving up.

I heard the cracking in my voice, as I said something like "Holy crap!" over and over again into the phone. Then I felt the tears rolling down my face. Happy tears! I would have hugged Mary through the phone in that moment if I could have. But I had to wait two hours till I got off work.

That night, we called back our family and close friends to let them know that, for now at least, all was well.

Deciding to wait till the 12-week mark (as most people do) to "go public" with it, my first thought was (selfishly, I know): "Great! NOW what am I going to write about for the next 6 WEEKS! I blog every day, and the one thing I want to shout to the four winds is the ONE thing I can't talk about at all!" But I got through it, though not without dropping about a thousand hints and clues (that no one other than me would get) along the way.

Over the next several weeks, Mary battled fatigue and "night sickness" (only for about a week total did she have actual "morning sickness"). Though she felt nauseous almost every night, she never actually got sick, which we both considered a blessing.

At 10 weeks, we went back for an "OB Workup" -- this time I was present. We talked to the financial people ("And how will you be paying for this kid, Ma'am?"), talked to a midwife (we had tons of questions and she had plenty of good answers), and tried to listen for a heartbeat -- without any luck. The midwife assured us that this was fairly normal at 10 weeks, but I think we would both admit to a little bit of apprehension at the absence of that sweet, sweet sound.

The 12-week appointment actually happened three days after we went public with the fact that we were expecting, but we didn't want to wait another week till after we'd gone to the doctor. At that appointment, we again talked to a midwife, who listened for, and this time -- praise God! -- heard a heartbeat. We heard it too! I've never been so quiet in my life as I was in those few seconds. Ka-thunka-ka-thunka-ka-thunka! We heard it! It was wonderful!

As far as we know, everything is still going normally. We go back in about 4 weeks for the next ultrasound. At that point, assuming Baby cooperates, we may be able to find out if we're going to have a boy or a girl. And yes, we do want to find out. Neither of us has a strong preference either way.

We hope for a healthy child. If for whatever reason he or she is not healthy, we pray for strength and wisdom to do what's best for our child going forward.

Will we make mistakes? Of course. All parents do. But we will love him or her with all our hearts, and we'll do whatever we can to make their life happy, meaningful, and purposeful.

Things I Find Fascinating: 10 Major Historical Inventions And How They Came Into Existence

1)  CAST IRON:  Invented in China in the 6th century BC, cast iron was poured into molds to make ploughshares and pots as well as weapons and pagodas. Cast iron is now commonly used to make engine cylinder blocks, flywheels, gears, axle bearings, track wheels, crankshafts, camshafts, and cookware, to name a few.

2)  WHEELBARROW:  Invented by the ancient Greeks in the early around 400 BC, the one-wheeler (as it was then called) was used to carry light loads from one place to another. Twelve centuries later, the wheelbarrow came into popular use in Europe, more commonly used for farming and gardening.

3)  PAPER:  Paper, and the pulp-making process, was said to be developed in China during the early 2nd century AD by the Han court eunuch Cai Lun, although the earliest archaeological fragments of paper derive from the 2nd century BC in China. Today, the need for paper is quickly diminishing due to the preeminence of the Digital Age. Paper has, however, proved to be a crucial invention for hundreds of years, and will probably, in some form or another, continue to be for much longer. (I hope, at least.)

4)  GUNPOWDER:  Gunpowder was discovered in the 9th century by Chinese alchemists searching for an elixir of immortality. Ironically, they instead discovered an "elixir" which would create greater instances of mortality than any other natural means in the hundreds of years to come, even till today.

5)  EYEGLASSES:  The first eyeglasses were made in Italy around the year 1286. Earlier inventions, such as the magnifying glass, led to the use of convex lenses to correct poor vision. Despite the hundreds-years-later invention of contact lenses, eyeglasses continue to be widely used among the populace. Incidentally, non-corrective sunglasses were invented by the Chinese about a hundred years earlier. Around the same time, Inuits also had their own version of goggles to protect against snow blindness.

6)  PRINTING PRESS:  Another invention whose use these days has now become almost unnecessary is the printing press. Invented in 1440 by German goldsmith Johannes Gutenberg, the printing press soon led to the mass production of mechanized bookmaking. A single Renaissance Era printing press could produce 3,600 pages per workday, compared to 40 pages per day by the previously used system, typographic hand-printing.

7)  PARACHUTE:  The oldest parachute design appears in an anonymous manuscript from 1470s Renaissance Italy, showing a free-hanging man clutching a cross-bar frame attached to a conical canopy. Appropriately enough, the French word "parachute" means to "protect from a fall."

8)  STEAM LOCOMOTIVE:  The first full-scale working railway steam locomotive was built by Richard Trevithick in the United Kingdom in 1804. Trevithick's design incorporated a number of important innovations that included using high-pressure steam which reduced the weight of the engine and increased its efficiency. Railway steam locomotives quickly became the preferred method of travel for long distances, as well as the ideal way to transport goods from one place to another.

9)  INCANDESCENT LIGHT BULB:  The electric light bulb was first patented in England in 1878 by Joseph Swan after having experimented with it since 1850. Thomas Edison worked on improving the bulb patented by Swan and was granted a U.S. patent in 1879. Historians can actually point to 22 other inventors who invented earlier versions of incandescent lamps before Swan or Edison. However, it was Edison's version that outlasted the others, due to three important factors: 1) An effective incandescent material; 2) A higher vacuum than others had been able to achieve; and 3)
 A high resistance that made power distribution from a centralized source economically viable.

10)  WORLD WIDE WEB:  The World Wide Web, a system of interlinked hypertext documents accessed via the Internet, was first proposed in March 1989 by English engineer and computer scientist Sir Tim Berners-Lee. The project was publicly introduced in December 1990. The rest, as they say, is history....

You Know It's Going To Be A Good Day When The Dinosaur Is Fully Inflated

It's Friday, and that's a very good thing. It's been an oddball week. Having a day off in the middle of the week does strange things to my brain. Wednesday felt like Saturday, yesterday felt like Monday, and I don't know where Sunday went. Today is Friday, and it feels like it, but it also feels like the second or maybe the third Friday this week. Needless to say, I'll be glad when it's over (both Friday and the week).

Don't get me wrong now, Wednesday was a good day. Mary and I went out for a big IHOP breakfast that morning, then went antiquing around town (the places that were open at least). We were looking for my birthday present. My birthday was, of course, three-and-a-half months ago, but we still haven't found what Mary was looking for to buy me back in March.

We figured there was no point spending money on something that was just "okay" when we could hold out for exactly what we wanted. For the record, we're seeking a substantial-sized night stand that will hold my CPAP machine, my table lamp, alarm clock, and the multiplicity of books I am reading at any given time.

After trudging around at several antique stores, half of which were not air-conditioned, we were both incredibly hot and tired. So we went home for a couple of hours of relaxation in artificially cool environs. Later, we went back out to see a movie and laughed until our faces hurt (always a good thing). When we got out of the movie, though it was almost dark, it was still miserably hot. So back to the house we returned.

My father-in-law says that July 4th is a miserable holiday – well, not the holiday itself. Rather, it's a miserable time of year to have a holiday in which being and doing things outside is either expected or required. I tend to agree.

Today is Friday, and I really hope it's going to turn out well. Because when I ascended the stairs to the area where my office is at work, I noticed that the dinosaur was not fully inflated. That's not a promising sight. Perhaps I should explain further.

At the top of the stairs, in the open area near the copy machine, sits a large inflatable dinosaur. I don't know one species of "saurus" from another – I can only tell you it has an extremely long neck and a small head (which extends out over the stairwell and greets us with its painted-on grin every morning) and a squat body with short legs. It's green, though not in a realistic way – more in a let's-make-this-thing-as-colorful-as-we-can kind of way.

The dinosaur wears a swim ring around its neck – it used to have a lei, but I'm not sure what happened to that – and seems to change hats at will. Lately, it's been wearing an Overton's visor cap (appropriately enough), but for a few days it was most definitely wearing a Krispy Kreme paper hat. Occasionally, the dinosaur is seen sporting sunglasses.

Because it's inanimate and inflatable, the dinosaur requires frequent tending-to by the guy who put it there in the first place (I think his name is Dan, but I'm not sure). Every couple of days or so, he has to re-inflate the dinosaur so that he (or she) is standing at his (or her) full height again, proudly looking out over the stairwell, bringing us good luck and offering a sense of security (as much as a plastic inflatable dinosaur is able to keep one safe, at least).

This morning, the dinosaur was looking a little saggy. Its legs were buckling slightly, and its head – once proudly jutting out into the open space of the stairwell – lay slumped over the rail, looking as though he (or she) had one too many libations the night previous.

I don't actually believe in luck, but I do put some stock in the correlation between a fully inflated dinosaur and a good, productive day at work. So, either Dan (if that's his name) needs to re-inflate the dinosaur pretty soon, or I need to transcend my dinosaurian circumstances, else this Friday could end up being less than stellar.

Here goes nothing...

18 People I'll Bet You Didn't Know Were From Oregon

1)  NDAMUKONG SUH, football player

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  Suh is a defensive tackle for the Detroit Lions of the NFL. Ndamukong is well-suited for the job that he is paid to do, as he is an enormously large human being. He was born in Portland, Oregon.



2)  HOWARD HESSEMAN, actor

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  Hesseman is probably best known for his role as disc jockey "Johnny Fever" on the 1980s TV series WKRP In Cincinnati. Howard also starred as a schoolteacher in a later series, Head Of The Class. He was born in Lebanon, Oregon.



3)  PHIL KNIGHT, business magnate

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  If you've ever seen or worn a pair of Nike shoes, you're familiar with this guy's work. Knight is the co-founder and chairman of Nike, Inc., and previously served as its CEO. If you've ever bought a pair of Nikes, you've helped make this guy the multi-billionaire that he is today. Knight was born in Portland, Oregon.



4)  DANNY AINGE, basketball executive

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  Ainge is currently the President of Basketball Operations for the Boston Celtics. But he also used to be a pretty good athlete. In addition to his 15-year career in the NBA, Danny also spent parts of three seasons playing professional baseball for the Toronto Blue Jays. Ainge was born in Eugene, Oregon.



5)  BEVERLY CLEARY, author

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO SHE IS:  Cleary is an award-winning writer of more than 30 books for young adults and children. Among her most popular works are The Mouse And The Motorcycle; Ramona Quimby, Age 8; and my personal favorite, Dear Mr. Henshaw. Beverly was born in McMinnville, Oregon.



6)  MATT GROENING, cartoonist

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  Groening is a cartoonist, screenwriter, and producer who's best known as the creator of two popular animated TV series, The Simpsons and Futurama. Matt was born in Portland, Oregon.

7)  ESPERANZA SPALDING, musician

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO SHE IS:  Esperanza is a multi-instrumentalist best known as a jazz bassist and singer. In 2011, Spalding won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist, making her the first jazz artist to win that award. Esperanza was born in Portland, Oregon.

8)  JANE POWELL, actress

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO SHE IS:  Jane gained fame as a singer, dancer, and actress in such classics as Royal Wedding (with Fred Astaire), A Date With Judy (with Elizabeth Taylor), and Seven Brides For Seven Brothers (with Howard Keel), among many others. Powell was born in Portland, Oregon.

9)  BRENT MUSBURGER, sportscaster

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  This guy has been a broadcaster for practically forever. He's covered games for the NFL, NASCAR, NBA, MLB, and NCAA football and basketball. An original member of CBS's The NFL Today program, Musburger now calls games for the ESPN and ABC television networks. Brent was born in Portland, Oregon.

10)  PINTO COLVIG, voice actor

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE WAS:  Originally a vaudeville and radio actor and newspaper cartoonist, Colvig's biggest claim to fame was as a voice actor. Pinto was the original voice of the famous Disney character "Goofy." Colvig was born in Jacksonville, Oregon.

11)  JAMES BEARD, chef/author

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE WAS:  A chef and food writer, James was a central figure in the establishment of a gourmet American food identity. Beard brought French cooking to the American middle and upper classes in the 1950s. He wrote over 20 books on cooking and food. Beard was born in Portland, Oregon.

12)  LISA RINNA, actress

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO SHE IS:  Rinna is well-known for her roles on TV soap operas Days Of Our Lives and Melrose Place, as well as being Harry Hamlin's wife (he was one of the stars of L.A. Law). But she may be best-known for her disproportionately large, almost comically plump lips. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're unmistakably Lisa's. She was born in Medford, Oregon.

13)  STEVE PREFONTAINE, runner

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE WAS:  Prefontaine was middle- and long-distance runner who once held the American record in the seven distance track events, from the 2,000 meters to the 10,000 meters. Tragically, Steve died at the age of 24 in a car accident. He was born in Eugene, Oregon.

14)  WILL VINTON, filmmaker

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  A producer and director of animated films, Vinton is famous for having created the "California Raisins," the Domino's Pizza "Noid," and the M&M's "Red," "Yellow," and "Green" characters. Will was nominated for an Oscar for his special effects work in the 1985 film Return To Oz. Vinton was born in McMinnville, Oregon.

15)  MAT KEARNEY, singer/songwriter

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  Still an up-and-coming singer, Kearney is probably best known for his hit song "Nothing Left To Lose," from his debut album by the same title. So far, Mat has had four top 20 hits on the Adult Top 40 charts, so his future's looking bright. Kearney was born in Eugene, Oregon.

16)  DALE MURPHY, baseball player

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE IS:  If you were an Atlanta Braves fan or just an avid baseball fan from the late '70s to the early '90s, you are probably familiar with Dale. A beloved member of the Braves for 15 seasons, Murphy closed out the final three years of his career playing for the Philadelphia Phillies and Colorado Rockies. A two-time National League MVP, Dale was born in Portland, Oregon.

17)  RIVER PHOENIX, actor

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HE WAS:  The eldest member of a quintet of sibling actors that also includes current film star Joaquin, River appeared in 24 films and/or television shows in his brief yet successful career. Phoenix is best remembered for his roles in Explorers, Stand By Me, Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, and My Own Private Idaho. River died of drug-induced heart failure at 23 years of age. He was born in Metolius, Idaho.

18)  TONYA HARDING, figure skater

WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO SHE IS:  A two-time Olympian and two-time Skate America Champion, Harding is probably best known for an incident in which her ex-husband and two others conspired to assault Tonya's skating competitor Nancy Kerrigan at a practice session during the 1994 U.S. Figure Skating Championships. It's a shame that this is her legacy – she probably should have been remembered for being the first American woman (and only the second woman ever) to complete a triple axel jump in competition. Tonya was born in Portland, Oregon.

Things I Find Fascinating: 4 OTHER Things That Happened On July 4th

1)  Two ex-Presidents, both among this nation's Founding Fathers, pass away on the same day in 1826.  The second and third U.S. Presidents -- John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, respectively -- both die on July 4th, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence.

Thomas Jefferson

John Adams

2)  The people of France officially offer the Statue of Liberty to the people of the United States in 1886.  Frenchman Frédéric Bartholdi had designed the massive sculpture fifteen years earlier, but it took several years for him to complete it, and then even more time to actually get the statue shipped, piece by piece, to the United States to be assembled where it now stands.

The Statue of Liberty

3)  Baseball player Lou Gehrig, recently diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, tells a crowd at Yankee Stadium that he considers himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth", as he announces his retirement from Major League Baseball in 1939. This horribly debilitating disease is now commonly referred to in the United States as Lou Gehrig's Disease, in honor of a national hero who bravely fought the disease.

4)  At West Point, New York, the United States Military Academy opens in 1802.  Most often referred to simply as "West Point," the academy has the longest continuous service of any United States military installation and is the nation's oldest military academy.

West Point

FAMOUS AMERICANS BORN ON JULY 4TH:
Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer  (The Scarlet Letter, The House Of The Seven Gables)
Stephen Foster, songwriter ("Oh Susanna!", "Camptown Races")
Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. President


FAMOUS AMERICANS WHO DIED ON JULY 4TH:
John Adams, 2nd U.S. President
Thomas Jefferson, 3rd U.S. President
James Monroe, 5th U.S. President
Hannibal Hamlin, U.S. Vice President (under President Lincoln)
Jesse Helms, U.S. Senator

Things I Find Fascinating: Unfortunately Titled Brand Names And Product Names

All the companies and/or products depicted below are, to the best of my knowledge, real. And all are, in my opinion, quite hilarious. Some of these are major instances of "What were they thinking?" and some are just that the person naming, designing, and/or labeling the product did not have a full grasp on the English language (i.e. English is not their "first" language). Hope you'll get as much of a kick out of these as I did...

Now available in three great new scents:
Lemon, Mountain Pine, and Rotting Carcass.

Naive is defined as "having or showing a lack of experience, judgment,
or information." The person who named this body lotion was merely
attempting to demonstrate that they fully understood the meaning of the word.

Small children wearing nothing but diapers. Name brand:
PEDO. This is a recipe for disaster; that's what this is.

This doll-inspired cell phone is utterly harmless.
Unless, of course, Benign Girl tries to use it to
text while driving her little red Camaro.
Don't do it, Benign Girl! Just. Don't. Do. It.

I've been playing guitar for almost twenty years now,
and I've never had to add water to or remove water
from my guitar. Sure, Mr. Love's "special high class
Guitar Water" is paint lead-free and non-poisonous.
But what the heck do I use it for? Answer: I don't.

Crunky Nude Balls? I don't even WANT to know...

When I'm craving a vanilla creme sandwich cookie,
it's gotta be a Bimbo! Nothing less than the best will do!

Parent: Remember, don't ever put Crayons in your mouth. You'll get sick!
Kid: But you said I was SUPPOSED to drink my fruit juice. I'm confused...

On my next trip to Ghana, I will be packing
my own beverages, thank you very much!

Mmm, nothing like Burnedmeat Flavour Biscuits to
start your day. The lovely char, the charming flavour!

On my next trip to Japan, I will be packing
my own beverages, thank you very much!

Apparently, this doesn't do what it sounds like it would do.

Finally, a mop that helps your kid pass their math test!
What took them so long to come up with this???

"The Pudding Club," "Everyone Dies," And "I Understand": Three New Drabbles Of Uncertain Origin

So, it seems that I'm back in a creative mode. That could be a good thing, or bad, depending on how you feel about my fiction or poetry. Today's post of inspired madness (or something like that) features three new 100-word drabbles. I wrote one of them a couple of weeks ago, but never ended up posting it. The other two are brand-spanking-new today. Enjoy?

"THE PUDDING CLUB"

When I am old and have lost all my teeth, I will start a Pudding Club for myself and others like me – old and toothless gents who haven't yet given up on living. We will invite Bill Cosby to be the guest speaker at our opening meeting. He will, of course, decline; but it is, of course, the thought that counts. We will sit in our smoking jackets – never smoking, because it's unhealthy – eating cup after cup of Jello pudding till one by one we pass out or pass on. This is how I wish to spend my final days.

"EVERYONE DIES"

I made a movie that you'll never see. Not because it's embarrassing. Because it's depressing. You'd never forget the many wonderful characters I created (if I'd ever given you the chance to remember them). I made them likable, so you'd feel sympathetic towards them. Then one by one I killed them off in horribly violent ways. If you'd seen it, you'd have shed endless tears – "people" you'd come to know and love, wiped off the face of the earth. You'd hate me – not for creating them, but for destroying them. No, you'll never see that movie. (It was called "Life.")

"I UNDERSTAND"

Look, I get it! Believe me, I do. You don't have to explain yourself. You gotta pick the person you think is best suited for the job, and that's not me! You shouldn't feel any personal obligation towards me – I mean, I'm sure plenty of people have saved your life, right? You gotta do what you gotta do – I don't expect any special treatment. Of course, us being family can't factor into your decision. That'd be unethical! You probably have rules against that sort of thing anyway, huh? Seriously, you don't have to spell it out for me. I understand!

Poems For Your Perusal: New Half-Stack Of Alpha Poetry

All bent out of shape
About nothing important
I take a deep breath
Tap on the brakes
And remind myself
That not everyone
Drives as perfectly
As I do. (Yeah, right!)
 

Batting around the same idea
For twenty-five years or more.
Time to start doing something
And stop only talking about it.
Either it's a dream you dream
Or one you live. Time to decide.


Call the shots.
I'm too tired
And too distracted
To be in charge.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Do what you think
Is best. If I don't like it
I'll let you know.
Otherwise just carry on.


Drawing a blank
Trying to remember
Who you are and
Why I should know you
And why I should care.
Help me out here.


Emotional rollercoaster.
Every day is different
And no day is a drag.
Always something to
Worry about or wonder
But only so much
You can do -- just hang on.


Fly by the seat of your pants
Because the cuffs won't support you.
The seams would rip and tear apart
And you would sink just like a rock.


Give me a break
I'm doing the best I can
With what I have to work with.
I'm no professional at this
Just making it up as I go along.
If you think you can do better
You're certainly welcome to try.
If not, get out of my way
And let me improvise!


Have the last laugh.
The first one is always insincere.
The next one is obligatory.
The others in between
Are cruel and malicious.
The last one is always the best.


In your face
Are two eyes
That scrutinize
Two ears
That listen closely
A nose
That smells something fishy
And a mouth
That talks too little.


Jumping in with both feet
I look around at the walls
Closing in (caving in?)
And wonder when I hit bottom
Will it hurt? Or will I even
Notice the difference?


Kid in a candy store
Told me that the butterscotch
Was made by little Chinese boys
In a sweatshop half a world away.
I thought he was crazy
And I told him so.
(I probably shouldn't have
Been so harsh -- he's just a kid!)
But I didn't want to feel guilty
While eating my butterscotch.
There's too many other things
In life to feel guilty about.


Lickety-split!
He wastes no time
Finishing what he started.
It was a burger.
He wipes the ketchup
From his dripping lips
And belches like he means it.
No, his mama actually never did
Teach him any manners.
It's obvious now that you know.


Mouth off at strangers
Because you think
It's okay as long as
You don't know them
And they don't know you.
You'll never see them again
They'll never see you again.
But what if you could have
Made a difference
By saying one more word
Or withholding a few?
Now you'll never know.