Things I Find Fascinating: Cackle-Worthy Classified Ads

I worked in the classifieds department of the local newspaper here for about four years. In that time, I heard and saw some crazy advertisements. But very few of those can match the kookiness of these. Don't think too much – just kick back and revel in the weirdness!

Yeah, but I bet you have to pay double for the torturing.

This does not compute. Wanna try that again?

Tired of working for next to nothing? 

Join our team and work for even less!

Tough decision. I mean, the cat doesn't have a job.

Whoa, Nelly!!!

There's gotta be a better way to word that...

Sounds like a fair deal to me.

Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!

$100 for a flag from the future? That's a steal!

That's a pretty good price if it's actually in excellent

condition. Incidentally, what the heck is it?

Hmm. I might have to check that out. Usually, the

bilingual cars are way more expensive than that.

If you'll throw in the assault rifles at no

extra cost, you've got yourself a deal!

I don't know about Fluffy, but I'm certain

that Thumper is not going to like this one bit!

Define "slight" for me, if you don't mind.

Who doesn't have indoor plumbing in this day and age?

It's so not worth it at that price!

Imagine that!

"Good with children?" quips Mr. Giggles.

"Oh yeah, I'm good with children. Slather a

little ketchup and mustard on 'em and they

taste just like chicken. Yummy to my tummy!"

What I want to know is, why doesn't Homer

need it anymore? Zombie apocalypse, anyone?

Why didn't I think of that? And we just made

tetrazzini with our leftover turkey! Duh!"

Don't get all sentimental on me here! I mean, really,

you've still got another arm, don't you? Quit whining!

10 Classic TV Theme Songs I'll Bet You Didn't Know Actually Had Lyrics

While a lot of modern TV shows have a sung theme song (there's music and words, and you hear them both in the song), a lot of the older shows (think: Nick At Nite and TV Land) opened with simply an instrumental number. Many of these theme songs were never written with words in the first place, but some were actually the instrumental versions of songs that had lyrics but weren't used for some reason. Still others were written as instrumental pieces, but lyrics were added later for various reasons.

Here are 10 classic TV show theme songs that you're probably very familiar with, but never knew that the songs actually had lyrics. Enjoy!


1)  I Dream Of Jeannie  ~  It's probably a good thing they never used this one, as the lyrics are a tad sexist. Case in point, the first two lines:  "Jeannie, fresh as a daisy / Just love how she obeys me..."

2)  The Young And The Restless  ~  The instrumental song called "Nadia's Theme" that many people would recognize as the theme music for The Young And The Restless was originally composed by Henry Mancini as part of the soundtrack for the movie Bless The Beasts And The Children. An alternate version of the song on that same soundtrack called "Lost" actually had lyrics. The song was sung by Renee Armand. The movie is long forgotten now, but the song lives on...every weekday at 12:30.

3)  I Love Lucy  ~  This is actually a sweet little song. Why they never used it in the opening of the show I'll never know. "Ricky" did, however, sing the vocal version of the song on one episode, as seen here...

4)  The Dick Van Dyke Show  ~  When the theme song for this classic show was written, no lyrics were penned. Later, one of the stars of the show, Morey Amsterdam ("Buddy"), came up with his own lyrics to the theme song, which Dick Van Dyke himself sings in the video below.

5)  Bonanza  ~  This is another good one, sung by one of the show's stars, Lorne Greene. I think they could've easily used the vocal version for the show's opening. But for some reason, they chose not to. Here it is, though, for your enjoyment.

6)  Bewitched  ~  Stumbling across this sung theme song by accident on YouTube is what prompted this post in the first. Nice swingin' tune! Maybe the lyrics were too "witch"-heavy for 1960s TV?

7)  Leave It To Beaver  ~  The theme song for this classic show is called "The Toy Parade." It's all right, but I think I like the equally plucky instrumental version a little bit better.

8)  Roseanne  ~  This show's not nearly as old as some of the others on this list, but it's no less classic in my opinion. Roseanne ran for eight seasons with the same theme song – a sax-heavy, bluesy instrumental number – until the guys from the popular band Blues Traveler (who were friends of Roseanne) decided to pen some lyrics to the familiar tune. For the ninth and final season, this version was the show's theme song, sung – appropriately enough – by Blues Traveler.

9)  MASH  ~  Okay, fair warning here...once you listen to the vocal version of this classic TV theme song, you'll never think of it in exactly the same way. Because the lyrics to this song – actually entitled "Suicide Is Painless" – are extremely dark and depressing. Apparently, the song was written for a scene in the movie M*A*S*H in which a dentist commits suicide. The tune was catchy enough that the producers of the TV show decided to use it as the theme, minus the gloomy lyrics. Here it is, in all its melancholy...

10)  The Andy Griffith Show  ~  Now back to our regularly scheduled happy post. Here's Andy Griffith himself singing the rarely-heard lyrics to the theme song of the classic TV show that bears his name. This is fun to listen to and actually has some pretty cool lyrics, but the whistling version of "The Fishin' Hole" is far superior in my opinion.

Unintentionally Hilarious Newspaper Headlines

I think these speak for themselves, so I'm going to let them do just that. Enjoy!

Bizarre Quotes By Famous Supermodels

1)  "When I came to New York and I opened the window of the thirty-fifth-floor apartment, there's light pollution and fog, and I couldn't see my star. So I drew it on my wrist with a pen, but it kept washing away. "  ~  Gisele Bundchen

2)  "Going blonde is like buying yourself a light bulb!"  ~  Heidi Klum

3)  "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  ~  Kate Moss

4)  "I want to be a child doctor. A pediatry... how do you call it, pediatrician? Do I like kids? No, not really."  ~  Adriana Lima

5)  "I know the person who's walking barefoot, dodging dog poo in the yard."  ~  Carolyn Murphy

6)  "I just want you to be yourself. A bigger yourself."  ~  Tyra Banks

7)  "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."  ~  Cindy Crawford

8)  "If I'm wearing a flower dress, why do I have to wear underwear?"  ~  Naomi Campbell

9)  "I don't know who Little Richard is."  ~  Bar Refaeli

10)  "And there is a beautiful thing which is wonderful, to look like a woman, not a green bean."  ~  Laetitia Casta

11)  "I can dance for, like, four or five hours nonstop without even drinking water. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing."  ~  Petra Nemcova

12)  "It was really strange to see all these apes standing around eating popcorn, smoking, wearing sunglasses."  ~  Estella Warren

13)  "I want to go back to Brazil, get married, have lots of kids, and just be a couch tomato."  ~  Ana Beatriz Barros

14)  "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."  ~  Linda Evangelista

15)  "I'm aiming to become the white Oprah."  ~  Janice Dickinson

16)  "I don't even think when I'm walking down the runway. I don't really breathe either."  ~  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley