Things I Find Fascinating: More Bizarrely Titled Books

You may recall that about a month ago, I posted a collection of bizarrely titled books here. All real and all real weird. Well, most of those books were non-fiction (believe it or not!), so I figured it was about time I gave props to some bizarrely titled novels as well. To the best of my knowledge, all of the following books are actual books, most published before I was born (judging by the cover art, at least). There are a few of these that I'd love to read, if I could find them, just to see what the heck they're all about. Some of them I could go my whole life and never read and I'd still be okay. Either way, I hope you'll get as much of a kick out of these as I did. Enjoy!

It's probably a good thing, too. I can't imagine 

that one of those would be comfortable to wear.

Proceed with caution. (Geiger counter sold separately.)

You can find them anywhere, I suppose. Including Florida's scrub country.

 

She looks so lifelike. It's almost eerie!

This one comes with two bizarre titles in one. As you can see, this one

was apparently originally published as Hill Of The Terrified Monk.

After all, what did the bones ever do to you to deserve being beaten?

I'll bet he's blushing 'cuz he just stabbed that guy in the back.

Until one bit him right back...

That's pretty harsh, stealing a man's skull!

I don't blame him for being upset.

This was originally going to be called The Worthless Watermelon,

but the publishers thought that just sounded too weird. (No, not really.)

Business in the front, party in the...oh my word, 

that train's totally going to smash us to bits!

 

Wait, I thought she got run over by a reindeer?

His name must not really have been "Polly" after all...

She has a healthy appetite for men, apparently.

Some women cut their eyes at you. She'll cut your throat.

They just don't write books like these anymore. Sad...

If the tea was that bitter, why not just toss it out and

brew a new batch? Why write a whole book about it?

 

Why should they complain? They're feeling no pain...

 

And a Santa hat, apparently...

That explains a lot. But it leaves even more questions unanswered.

 

This one doesn't even have that weird of a title, but

I'm dying to know why that horse is in her bed!

Moses parting the Red Sea so surfers can hang ten. Genius!

Beware of what? Of red flowers? Of people walking through the village?

Finally, the puzzle of the goosefeathers is going to be solved. I

was beginning to think it was going to remain a cold case forever.

Yes, by all means, do. He wasn't do anything but scaring 

the kids anyway. Good riddance to bad entertainment.

Story # 6: "Hope You Don't Mind"

Good morning, sleepyheads! Boy, you two sure sleep late! I've been up since 5:25. Yesiree, Bob, no burning daylight for me!

Hope you don't mind, but I made myself a few cups of coffee. Six of 'em, in fact. Ya know, those K-cup thingamajiggers cost a pretty penny, but they sure are worth the money! Your money, that is. Ha, ha, ha! Hope you don't mind, but I used a fair bit of your creamer while I was at it, too. Y'all are probably gonna want to go get us some more while you're out today.

You know, I really appreciate y'all letting me stay with you for awhile. Not too many folks would do that for an old friend they hadn't seen in fifteen years. But you two, I tell you what – y'all are just as good as gold!

By the way, hope you don't mind, but I took a shower in your bathroom while y'all were sleeping in. I was gonna use the guest bathroom, but you know, I'm a pretty tall fella, and I just couldn't see squeezing my long frame into that wee little shower stall. Don't worry, I didn't peek in on y'all sleeping or nothing. I mean, not on purpose or anything. That'd be kinda creepy, ya know?

But enough about me. Let's talk about you two. What are y'all planning on making for breakfast? I'm starved! I'm so hungry I could eat a whole pig! Oh, that's right, I forgot y'all were Jewish. Well, heck, just because y'all can't have it don't mean I can't, ain't that right? Y'all don't mind going out and getting me a package of bacon, do ya? I'll pay ya back and everything. You know, soon as I find myself a job. Yesiree, first paycheck and I'll pay y'all right back, for sure!

If it's too much trouble, though, I can eat whatever y'all have got in the fridge. Although, I was looking through your fridge and freezer last night while y'all were sleeping – hope you don't mind – and I didn't really see too much of anything, food-wise. There was some cookies in the pantry, but just three or four of 'em. Hope you don't mind, but I finished those off while I was at it.

But I'm going on and on about me again. Boy oh boy, am I a chatterbox or what? So, you two are going to work today, huh? What kind of fancy pants jobs do y'all have that'll let you sleep in this late and show up whenever you feel like it, huh? Y'all must be some CEO's or something. Is that what y'all are, some CEO's? I bet you both are, judging by this McMansion of y'all's.

Yep, this place is real nice. I wouldn't mind living here myself. Long-term, I mean. Of course, I don't want to make myself a nuisance or anything. I'll only stay as long as y'all make me feel welcome. And I  know y'all two are some of the most welcoming folks I've ever been blessed enough to know. Yep, y'all are true humanitarians and, well, just genuinely good people.

Hope you don't mind, but I was kinda channel-surfing last night and there wasn't much on, so I found a couple of them pay-per-view movies that looked kinda interesting, and well, I ordered a couple and watched them. Don't worry, though, I'm'll pay y'all back, just as soon as I get that first paycheck.

Speaking of which, I was planning on going out job-hunting this morning, and I kinda wanted to make a good impression, so I was wondering if you wouldn't mind if I borrowed a suit jacket and pants, a dress shirt, and a tie. Just for the day, ya know, so I can make a good impression. I won't rumple 'em up or nothing, and even if I do, I'll just take 'em over to the dry cleaners and get 'em fixed right up, lickety-split.

Also, I'm gonna need something to drive to get around town. Can't exactly go job-hunting on foot, now can I? Ha, ha, ha! Hope you don't mind lending me that sweet Beemer in the garage. Don't worry, I'll be gentle on her. I ain't been in but one accident – uh, make that three – in my whole life, and I'm not about to add to that total today.

Hope you don't mind, but I was talking to my ex-girlfriend last night, long-distance – don't worry, I'm'll pay you back for that, too – and I was saying to her how I wouldn't mind us getting back together, and she said she wouldn't mind us getting back together neither, and – well, long story short, we're gonna give it a go. I told her where I was staying and she started packing her bags right away. She'll be here in an hour or two. Why, if things work out between the two of us, I wouldn't be surprised if y'all were hearing wedding bells before you know it. We could even have the ceremony right here in y'all's backyard, if you don't mind. Why, it's practically made for it!

Yep, you two are just the finest human beings I've ever met, and I'm glad to know ya both. I can't thank y'all enough for letting me stay here indefinitely. I'm truly honored to call you my friends. Hope you don't mind calling me yours, too.

Things I Find Fascinating: Presidential Nicknames

Every United States President has had or been given at least one nickname during, before, or after his time in public office. Sometimes the nickname is derived from the policies enacted by the President during his presidency. Sometimes the nickname originates from the President's personal background – perhaps a childhood nickname or some variation of the name of his hometown or home state. Other times, the nickname is given by the press or his detractors to poke fun at the President's personal appearance, quirky habits, or political blunders. At still other times, the nickname's origin is a little less clear. Whatever the reasons (I won't take the time to delineate each one here), here are the most common nicknames for each of the 44 U.S. Presidents to date (Cleveland technically counts twice). Enjoy!

George Washington, "The Father Of His Country"

John Adams, "Old Sink Or Swim" and "His Rotundity"

Thomas Jefferson, "The Apostle Of Democracy"

James Madison, "Little Jemmy"

James Monroe, "The Last Cocked Hat"

John Quincy Adams, "Old Man Eloquent"

Andrew Jackson, "Old Hickory"

Martin Van Buren, "The Careful Dutchman", "The Mistletoe

Politician," "Old Kinderhook," and "The Little Magician"

William Henry Harrison, "General Mum" and "Tippecanoe"

John Tyler, "His Accidency"

James K. Polk, "Napoleon Of The Stump"

Zachary Taylor, "Old Rough And Ready"

Millard Fillmore, "The American Louis Philippe"

Franklin Pierce, "Young Hickory Of The

Granite Hills" and "Handsome Frank"

James Buchanan, "Old Public Functionary"

Abraham Lincoln, "The Great Emancipator"

and "Honest Abe"

Andrew Johnson, "The Tennessee Tailor"

Ulysses S. Grant, "Unconditional Surrender Grant"

Rutherford B. Hayes, "Rutherfraud" and "His Fraudulency"

James Garfield, "Boatman Jim"

Chester Arthur, "Gentleman Boss," "Walrus,"

and "The Dude President"

Grover Cleveland, "His Obstinacy," 

"The Stuffed Prophet," "The Elephantine 

Economist," and "Uncle Jumbo"

Benjamin Harrison, "The Human Iceberg"

William McKinley, "The Napoleon Of Protection"

Theodore Roosevelt, "The Hero Of San Juan Hill,"

"The Trust Buster," and "Teddy"

William Howard Taft, "Big Chief" and "Big Lub"

Woodrow Wilson, "The Phrasemaker"

and "The Schoolmaster"

Warren G. Harding, "Winnie"

Calvin Coolidge, "Cautious Cal," 

"Cool Cal," and "Silent Cal"

Herbert Hoover, "The Great Engineer"

and "The Great Humanitarian"

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, "FDR"

Harry S. Truman, "Give 'Em Hell Harry"

Dwight D. Eisenhower, "Ike"

John F. Kennedy, "Jack" and "JFK"

Lyndon B. Johnson, "Bulls--t Johnson," "Landslide

Lyndon," "Light-Bulb Lyndon," and "LBJ"

Richard Nixon, "Tricky Dick"

Gerald Ford, "Mr. Nice Guy" and "Jerry"

Jimmy Carter, "The Peanut Farmer"

Ronald Reagan, "The Great Communicator,"

"Dutch," and "The Gipper"

George H. W. Bush, "Poppy" and "Papa Bush"

Bill Clinton, "Bubba," "Slick Willie,"

and "The Comeback Kid"

George W. Bush, "Dubya"

Barack Obama, "No Drama Obama"

A Baker's Dozen Of Songs By Innovative, Imaginative, And Incredibly Interesting Icelandic Bands

I know, I know... I've been going heavy on "song posts" of late, and I do apologize for the lack of variety. But you must understand that this is my first week back from paternity leave, I am working on very little sleep, and listening to music that I don't already know backwards and forwards has helped me get through the week so far.

Regular readers of this blog may recall from previous posts that I am slightly obsessed with the country of Iceland. I revel in any and all opportunities to discover more about this wonderfully enigmatic island nation.

This time around, I decided to explore the modern music of Iceland. And I was delighted – but not altogether surprised – to find that Icelandic bands are producing music that's not only on par with, but in some cases far superior to the music of the rest of the world. Here's a smattering of songs by bands I'd heretofore never heard of, but with whom I am now enamored. I hope you'll enjoy listening to these as much as I did...

(There will probably be at least one more of these posts in the days ahead; so if you like it, you're in luck! If you don't, consider yourself forewarned!)

1)  Árstíðir  ~  "Shades"

2)  Cheek Mountain Thief  ~  "Cheek Mountain"

3)  Feldberg  ~  "Dreamin'"

4)  Hjálmar  ~  "Borgin"

5)  Hjaltalin  ~  "Feels Like Sugar"

6)  Klassart  ~  "Thangad Til Tad Tekst"

7)  Of Monsters And Men  ~  "Little Talks"

8)  AMPOP  ~  "My Delusions"

9)  Sigur Ros  ~  "Glósóli"

10)  Valdimar  ~  "Yfir Borgina"

11)  Agent Fresco  ~  "Implosions"

12)  GusGus  ~  "Over"

13)  Amiina  ~  "Sicsak"

Story # 5: "The Stop"

Brand-new story for y'all today. I wrote this one by fits and starts, not knowing when I started where it was heading. I thought it was going to lean toward horror and it kind of did, but there's a lot of "what-if" in it that sort of makes it more of a psychological thriller. I tried to keep it light and entertaining but also realistically terrifying. I hope it works, and that you'll like reading it as much as I did writing it. Enjoy!

"THE STOP"

It was the week after high school graduation. Me and my BFF Myra were making this huge, epic cross-country road trip from Virginia Beach, Virginia, all the way to Salem, Oregon. Why Salem, you ask? Well, we had to end up somewhere, didn't we?

Anyway, we'd gotten about as far as Lincoln, Nebraska, or just past it – we were actually closer to some podunk little town called Grand Island. Which is a ridiculous name for a town in a landlocked state like Nebraska, if you think about it – but whatever.

Myra had been complaining since the last exits for Lincoln that she had to pee, and I was teasing her about going behind a tree like guys do, but she was pretty grossed out by the idea. Besides, we were in the Great Plains, and there aren't even that many trees around. I guess when you really have to pee, it's harder to take a joke, because she was pretty miffed at me.

Finally, when we got near the tropical haven of Grand Island (yeah, right!), we saw a sign for a rest stop a couple of miles ahead. Myra didn't even say anything, she just pointed at the sign and grunted like some kind of feral child or monkey or something.

I laughed and told her okay, we would pull over at the rest stop. Anyway, I could stand to pee myself. It hadn't been all that long since the last stop, but I had drunk a Big Gulp of Pepsi since then and nature was starting to take its course.

When we got to the rest stop, I pulled into the parking space closest to the entrance to the bathrooms. Before I'd even put the car into park, Myra was out of the car and running toward the bathrooms. I giggled again, despite myself, at the silliness of the situation.

I was still giggling when I turned toward my door to get out of the car. The old man's face was right up close to the window glass, and all I could do was scream. Loudly.

I quickly clicked the automatic door lock button, turned toward the bathroom to see that Myra had already gone inside, and glanced back hesitantly toward the old man. He was still there, and I was still screaming.

Haggard and in need of a shave like twelve days ago, the old man opened his mouth as if to speak and placed his weathered hand against the glass. I screamed even louder, if that was even possible.

And then, the old man curled his lips up into a grimace and he started screaming too. His scream was high-pitched and squeaky, like – well, like a teenage girl's. His shrieking was even shriller than mine, if you can imagine that.

I didn't know what to do. Here I was trapped in my car, with my BFF obliviously peeing twenty yards away, with a crazy old man screaming at me for no reason, and – wouldn't you guess it? – there was nobody else in sight at the rest stop.

This crazy scene went on uninterrupted for a good forty-five seconds or more. Then just like that, he stopped. The old man simply stopped screaming. He dropped his hand from the glass, backed away slowly, straightened his raggedy hobo attire, and started walking away. Without even realizing it at the time, I had stopped screaming too.

Instinct fought with reason in that instant. As much as I wanted to pull the car into reverse and high-tail it out of there, I couldn't bring myself to look away from the man. Besides, my girl Myra was still in the bathroom. I couldn't leave her here.

The old man was probably fifteen steps away by now, and I was still staring intently at him, physically unable to look away. Suddenly, a pounding on the passenger's side window glass broke the silence. For half a second at least. I started screaming again.

I didn't want to look, but I had to look at what was pounding against the glass. Terrified, I scrunched my eyes closed tightly, turned my head toward the window, and slowly reopened my eyes. It was Myra.

She had this incredulous look on her face, and I could hear her through the glass asking what in the world was I hollering about, and why wouldn't I unlock the stupid door for her. I realized I'd stopped screaming again. My left hand fumbled absentmindedly for the automatic door lock. I accidentally locked it again before finally unlocking it. Myra wrenched open the door and plopped down into the seat, still fussing at me for being all weird and junk.

I must not have answered her before, because Myra asked me again what in the world I was screaming about, and so I asked her did she see him. And she said did she see who, and I said the old man. What old man, she wanted to know, and laughed mockingly at me. I turned and pointed in the direction where the old man was walking away.

Except that he wasn't. In fact, he was nowhere in sight. The road nearby was clear of traffic and I could clearly see that the man wasn't walking alongside it. The terrain was flat here, leaving little chance that he could be hiding without my noticing him. He was simply gone.

What had I been smoking, Myra wanted to know, 'cuz it must be some really powerful stuff. I told her to bite me, that there had been an old man and that he'd been screaming at me and pounding on the glass and probably trying to kill me or something. Myra laughed again and said I'd watched too many horror movies last summer, and I was just being paranoid. But I wasn't – the old man was there, or at least he had been.

It was no use trying to convince Myra. She was going to believe what she was going to believe, and that was that. I glanced up in the direction of the bathrooms, remembering that I still had to pee. By now, I had to pee really bad. I looked back in the direction where the old man had come and gone. Surely, there was another rest stop not far up the road. I could wait.

8 Songs About Sunglasses

This post is the epitome of randomness. Sorry about that. Enjoy it if you want to. Skip it if you prefer. I won't know the difference. I was amazed at how many songs fit into this category, though. Here goes whatever...

1)  Ezra Furman And The Harpoons  ~  "Take Off Your Sunglasses"

2)  Kyara  ~  "Sunglasses"

3)  ZZ Top  ~  "Cheap Sunglasses"

4)  Bruckup ft. Shaggy  ~  "Sunglasses (Keep Ya Shades On)"

5)  The Bad Mouth Betties  ~  "Sunglasses"

6)  Timbuk 3  ~  "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"

7)  B.o.B. ft. Lupe Fiasco  ~  "Past My Shades"

8)  Corey Hart  ~  "(I Wear My) Sunglasses At  Night"