Story #20: "Anybody's Guess?"

It's Day 24 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge, and once again I'm a few stories behind. It's my goal today to catch back up. Here's Story #20, and #21 will shortly follow it. Hope you're able to get something out of it, though what that will be is...wait for it...anybody's guess.  ~  JH

"Anybody's Guess?"

Excuse me, folks, could I have your attention, please? Thank you. No, actually, I'm not yelling. Now, could you all gather – ? No, I'm speaking in a normal tone of voice. Now may I talk? No, I will not whisper. I demand to be heard! 

Yes, forgive me, that was slightly yelling. Regardless, I have a few questions for you all and I'm going to need some pretty specific answers. 

First off, what are you all doing here in my house? Considering the fact that I've never seen a single one of you before, I'm pretty sure you don't live here. So there's that. 

Secondly, will the owner of this pair of Guess jeans please identify yourself? Anybody? No? Well, they're obviously a lady's, so that rules out about half of you. Come on now, don't be afraid to speak up. I won't bite. Much. 

Oh, these are yours? Well, aren't you a cute thing? Come forward, dear, and collect your jeans. Yes, it's simply the strangest thing. You see, I found your jeans balled up at the foot of my bed, on my husband's side of the bed. Odd, huh? I tried to talk to him to get him to explain, but he's in pretty much the same state as you and your friends here. Which is to say, mostly incoherent. 

You know what else is strange, sweetie? When I leaned down to speak to him, I caught a whiff of a very distinct perfume on his chest. Your perfume. Well, I shouldn't assume. Let's compromise and say that it's the same kind of perfume you're currently wearing. Add to that the jeans by the bed, and well, I'm not a mathematician, but it all adds up.

No, of course, I'm not going to kill you, child. And you are a child, just look at you, what are you, nineteen, maybe twenty years old at most? Twenty-one? Sure you are, dear. Keep telling them that at the bars. I'm sure they'll buy your smile and your fake ID, you're certainly pretty enough. No, I'm not going to beat you up either, though it is tempting. I would like a few more minutes of your time, however. 

The rest of you can go ahead and clear out. NOW! It wasn't a request! Yes, I am yelling! And I'm only going to get louder the longer it takes you to leave! Thank you.

Now, dear, please come with me. We're going to wake my husband and get to the bottom of this. Why am I bringing you with me? Well, to wake him up, of course. After all – and again, I'm assuming, but the numbers still match up – you are the one who put him to sleep. 

How do I know? Well, sweetie, I've been married to the man for twenty-five years. I should certainly hope that I know what it takes to put him into as deep a slumber as that. One thing, and one thing only, works every time. And that smile on his sleeping face is a dead giveaway.

Story #19: "While You Were Sweeping"

Okay, last story of the day. Here's Story #19 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge, and with it I am officially caught up. Whether I remain on target for the duration of the weekend remains to be seen. I'm betting not. Enjoy?  ~  JH

"While You Were Sweeping"

While you were sweeping, I went to the closet and dug out all of our old love letters. I tossed them all into a garbage bag, stepped outside, and dropped it in the Dumpster.

While you were mopping, I packed up all my clothes. Well, not all of them. I left the ones you really liked on me. Do with them as you wish.

While you were vacuuming, I roused the kids from their sleep, walked them to the car, still in their pajamas, and secured them in their seats. I'd already packed their clothes while you were dusting.

While you were washing the dishes, I cranked the car and drove away, leaving you once and for all and forever.

Don't bother to look for me – you'll never find me. But then again, you probably won't even notice that I'm gone. Not yet, at least. After all, there's still all that laundry to be folded and put away. Or is there?

Story #18: "This Means Peace"

It's still Day 19, and here's Story #18 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge. I don't know where these wildly diverse ideas for stories come from, but I like them. Writing the same kind of story over and over again would quickly become terribly boring. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"This Means Peace"

You killed my father. Prepare to live. For what you've done to destroy my family, you deserve the opposite.

A lesser man would freely indulge in hatred and bitterness and allow them to control his life. But I refuse to let you win like that.

I wish you a long life, spent in quiet contemplation of this and all other acts of violence that you may have committed. I wish you unfulfilled loneliness, heart-wrenching sadness, and enduring despair. But I want you to live through it, now and for a very long time. Death is early parole, and I'm sorry, but you haven't earned that.

I could wage war against the system that kept you on the streets for months, years, and decades after perpetrating your heinous acts.

I could rail against those who, for a fee or out of genuine affection, defended your character and proclaimed your innocence.

But these efforts would consume my time and profit little other than wasting the life with which I have been blessed.

As much as you do not deserve it, I offer you my forgiveness. It doesn't make what you did alright. It doesn't mean that I will forget it. I won't, and neither will you. I will and do forgive you so that I can move forward with my life.

I don't expect you to understand or even to care. It doesn't matter. You don't matter to me. All that does is gone, buried six feet deep and marked with carved granite sentiments.

I am at peace, and I fully intend to remain so. And in this peace, I've finally found my rest.

Story #17: "Mother Of Pearl"

Here's Story #17 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge. It's another one written from a female perspective. No, I don't have a gender identity crisis. I simply like to explore life – even fictional life – from different points of view once in a while. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"Mother Of Pearl"

I'm worried about my daughter. She doesn't call like she used to, doesn't visit, and doesn't even think about me more than once every six days. (I should know – I'm clairvoyant.)

Pearl has always been very close to me and her father both. But lately she seems so withdrawn, and my biggest fear is that she'll never come back to us.

It's been three months since the aliens abducted her – just sucked her right up into their flying saucer. (Just like the ones you see on TV – somebody in Hollywood KNOWS something!) They've been experimenting on her ever since.

Just yesterday, they had her hooked up to some fancy-pants extraterrestrial device intended to measure the length of time between her sighs. Apparently, sighs matter to the little green guys in ways we'll probably never understand. In my mind's eye, I saw her – in high definition, no less – trying to hold back her audible exasperations just to screw up their tests (which would only have to be repeated the next day, so her efforts were likely in vain).

Pearl's always been a fighter, what with the bullies at her high school (they didn't know how to relate to someone as intellectually and metaphysically superior to them, as she clearly was), the curse that gypsy put her under in college (the horns and tail eventually fell off, but not before leaving faint scars), and now these blasted extraterrestrials.

Pearl's had a rough go of it, no question about that, but I can say with confident clairvoyance that she'll come through on the other side of this a conqueror.

Still, it doesn't stop a mother from worrying just the same.

Story #16: "What's In A Name?"

It's Day 19, and here's Story #16 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge. And there's more where this one came from. I stayed up late last night and wrote 4 short stories, all of which I'll post today. Which means...drum roll, please...I will end this day with 19 stories and will officially be caught up. For today, at least. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"What's In A Name?"

All my friends have stupid names. 

I have a very close friend whose name is John Hammer, yet he insists on being called by his nickname: Jack.

Another dear friend of mine – bless his heart – is called Pete (though his given name is Peter) – and his  last name is Moss.

I once dated a girl named Betty who was desperate to get married to somebody – anybody! – so she could leave behind her father's surname of Petty.

My current girlfriend is Kimberly Wemberley, and her BFF Anita was born a Mann. (She's currently single.)

I may come off as overly critical, but I really and truly love all of these people. (Except Betty – she was crazypants!) I simply question the names that they were given or choose to use.

Of course, I have absolutely no room to talk. My name is Henry Butts. And I go by Harry.

Story #15: "Please Keep Off The Grass"

I tend to write stories in bunches, so it's no surprise – to me, at least – that one story led right to another. And will probably lead to yet another one, which would almost get me caught up. Either way, the #astoryaday June Writing Challenge rolls on...  ~  JH

"Please Keep Off The Grass"

It might be legal in some places now, but you better not bring that junk in my house. It ain't good for you or anyone else. 

Sure, you might feel right happy when you're smokin' it, but that high is always gonna go away. And then what? You gotta find another high, that's what. 

Maybe you smoke more of the grass. Or maybe you shoot some other, harder drug up into your veins. Maybe you take some of them funny pills. You might not be addicted now, but just you wait. One thing leads to another. 

Reefer might be something that grows out of the ground, but I'm telling you it ain't natural. You need to stay away from that junk. 

Now, I'm not one to judge. I've done my fair share of bad stuff, too. You probably won't believe this, but I took a sip of whiskey one time, a long time ago, when I was just twelve years old. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever set to my lips. I've often said that if I'd a taken a second sip, I'd be a bonafide wino to this very day. But I didn't. I knew then as I know now that it wasn't for me. 

Now, I know what you're thinking. This old fuddy-duddy geezer don't know what he's talkin' about, but I do. I've got somethin' that you ain't old enough to have yet, and that's wisdom. And I'm tellin' you, it just ain't wise to puff on that weed. Leave it alone, and you'll be alright. 

And if you ever feel like you need to get high, you just come right on over to my house, and I'll set up my extendable ladder, and you can clean out my gutters. If that ain't high, I don't know what is.

Story #14: "Jump Off A Cliff"

It's Day 17 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge and this is merely Story #14. Which all-in-all isn't that bad actually, but I'm still playing catch-up. Here's a bleak little tale that could've taken any number of directions once I came up with its title. I think it took the darkest turn possible, but it is what it is and I still like it. I hope you will, too.  ~  JH

"Jump Off A Cliff"

Some people do it for fun, a bungee cord attached securely to their person. Some people fall accidentally and pulverize their bodies against rocks, trees, and what have you. Some people get pushed maliciously, with virtually the same result. And some simply do it because they feel like they've either served their purpose here or simply have no purpose and they want to end it all. 

Me, I jump off cliffs for cash. Well, direct-deposit checks, actually, but you get my point. I'm a stuntman. It's been my job for twenty-odd years now to make the hard stuff look easy for all your favorite stars. That I suffer the bumps, bruises, scrapes, and breaks so they don't have to is probably no concern of yours. They generally appreciate my work, and believe me, it is work. 

Sure, I'm technically safe, secured by invisible wires or safety harnesses that get edited out digitally before you ever see them. But there's always an element of risk to my work, and it's always a possibility that I won't come home each day. At least not all in one piece. 

Tonight, I'm jumping off the highest cliff I've ever seen in person. I'm not here on a lark, not being careless or reckless, not desperate to end my life, but destined to do so nonetheless. 

I'm not alone. There's a small handgun pressed into the small of my back, clasped tightly in my wife's hand. I still don't understand why she's doing this, and she won't explain, but it probably has something to do with the insurance policy we took out last year. Jobs have been spotty of late, as I've been recovering from one injury or another, and she hasn't worked outside the home since we've been married. Times are tough. But I never thought it would come to this. 

We approach the summit, and I look up at the stars. They're shining bright tonight. The river far below me glistens in the moonlight. The jagged rocks break up the flow of the water and further ensure that I will not survive this stunt. 

She nudges me roughly with the gun, urging me forward. Maybe I'll keep resisting, go out with a bang – literally. No one would believe it was an accident, my getting shot and then falling off a cliff. She wouldn't be able to collect the insurance money. Then how would she afford all those nice things she so richly deserves. 

I'm being sarcastic. She's a nice lady, but she doesn't deserve any of that. Still, I wouldn't deny her the pleasure of seeing me fall one last time – she's visited me on the set  a few times lately; I wonder how long she's been fantasizing about and planning this? 

Have I fulfilled my purpose? I don't know. Does anyone ever truly know their purpose in life? I'm not giving up, but I am giving in. 

I'm forty-two years old. She's thirty-six. She can still live a long and happy life, with or without me. She can marry again, maybe have kids with her new man. I could never give her that, which may have been part of the problem with us. 

I slowly turn to face her, my back to the precipice. She waggles the gun in my direction, smirking creepily. I mouth the words "I love you" and step out into nothingness.

Story #13: "BRB"

Last one of the day. Story #13 of my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge. And it's the shortest of them all (so far). But it just might bring a smile to your face. Or a blush. I'll take whichever as a compliment. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"BRB"

"Your move."

"Be right back."

"What's up?"

"Gotta use the john. Only take a minute."

"Don't get lost in there!"

"Only take a minute."

"You said that already."

"I meant it."

"Well, hurry up, why don't ya?"

"Be right back."

"You said that, too!"

"Sorry."

"Still your move."

"Still haven't used the john."

"What's stoppin' ya?"

"You're still talkin' to me."

"You ain't gotta answer me."

"Nonetheless…"

"Go on then!"

"I'm goin'."

"You ain't moved an inch."

"Don't have to."

"But you said you had to use the john."

"I'm goin'."

"But you…"

"Right here."

"You ain't!"

"I reckon I am."

"Why'd you go just standin' there for?"

"Couldn't wait."

"Who was makin' you wait?"

"You were still talkin'."

"You're puttin' this on me?"

"Nope, but I put it on your floor. Got a towel?"

"Be right back."

Story #12: "Leave Velanov Alone"

It's still Day 15, and here's yet another story in my #astoryaday June Writing Challenge. It's Story #12, if the title didn't give that away. I should note here that, while I do not now nor have I ever spoken Russian, I have saddled an unseen character here with a decidedly Russian surname, the exact pronunciation of which I am not 100% sure. In my head – and therefore, for full effect as it relates to the story – I pronounce it "Vell-uh-noff." You pronounce however you'd like inside your own head. Enjoy?  ~  JH

"Leave Velanov Alone"

Velanov is an innocent man! Your bitter accusations are destroying his life. You're hurting, I get that. You want answers, somebody to blame. I understand full well. But you're on the wrong track!

Velanov is kind, gentle, and wouldn't hurt a fly – clichéd but true. Do you really think him capable of strangling that poor woman, dismembering her body, and burning it in a trash barrel in his backyard? It doesn't even make sense!

The man has a solid alibi. He was with me the whole night that lady was killed. It was our buddy Ian's bachelor weekend at the beach. All of us saw him there that night.

That Velly disappeared for an hour or two when he went out to buy chips is understandable. He'd only been to this particular stretch of beach once before. He got lost is all, and he had to stop and ask for directions. Yes, the lady who gave him directions was the one who was killed that night – he admitted as much himself. But the rest is all coincidence and conjecture! 

After all, when would he have had the time to mutilate her and burn her body, as you claim he did? Like I said, he was back at the beach easily within two hours. 

No, we didn't question why he didn't want Ian to ride with him on the trip back the next day. Nor did we think twice about the foul odor emanating from the trunk of his car when we stopped for gas halfway home. Why would we? So a man doesn't clean the garbage out of this car too often and feels embarrassed about it. What of it?

This is Velanov we're talking about here – a man of integrity, for Pete's sake! Listen, I know I'll never be able to convince you. And I know, thanks in large part to your needling, the cops will probably go through with pressing charges against Velly, and there's nothing I can do to change that.

But I'm telling you – you're wasting your time. The man is innocent! If you have any sense of decency and compassion whatsoever, leave Velanov alone!

Story #11: "Wolf, In Cheap Clothing"

Okay, I gave you a couple of hours to catch up reading the first two stories of the day, though you should've only needed a few minutes for each. Here's another short one I think/hope/pray you'll enjoy. If not, there's not much I can do about it anyway. The #astoryaday June Writing Challenge train rolls on...  ~  JH

"Wolf, In Cheap Clothing"

Wolf was never what you would call a dress-up kinda guy. In his line of work, he didn't have to be. And in his private life, he didn't want to be. Wolf was a simple man, with no big dreams and little ambition.

So when he was asked to be a guest speaker at his daughter's Career Day event at school, Wolf was at a loss as to what he was going to wear. A suit would be too pretentious, but a t-shirt and jeans would be too casual. Put simply, nothing in his closet screamed Career Day.

Wolf knew an occurrence such as this demanded that he embark on an excursion he hated as much as or more than scrubbing a filthy toilet – and that was shopping for clothes.

He loved his daughter and wanted to look his best, but money was tight and so was Wolf. So to the local thrift store he would go. 

Poring over the books, VHS movies, and gaudy knickknacks for far longer than was necessary, Wolf then forced himself to stride over to the clothes racks and give it a go. After an agonizing five minutes of tortuous searching, Wolf selected a shabby-looking green polo shirt and some threadbare khakis. An outfit richer and four dollars poorer, Wolf stepped out of the store and headed to Career Day.

He knew that his daughter would be, if not proud, at least mildly pleased at his courageous efforts at clothes shopping and alternately mortified by the overly detailed explanation he would give regarding the duties of his daily job (which are unfit even to relate to you on these pages).

But Wolf would not and did not let that stop him from fulfilling his promise to participate. Cheap clothing and all.