Told You I'd Read Anything

I was just browsing through the thousand-plus titles I've downloaded to my Kindle e-book reader since I got it back in November, and was struck by the number of oddly-titled books that I've acquired.

Most of the stuff I download is free, because I don't like to pay for stuff if I don't have to. There are plenty of sites where you can legally download free e-books by new and established authors who are trying to promote their work. So, granted, I probably didn't pay a cent for any of these books.

But still, most people would judge a book by its title (at least by some of these titles) and deem it unworthy to even take up space in their e-reader. Not this guy. I'll read anything. And the weirder it is the better, as far as I'm concerned. (This shouldn't really be that surprising, coming from the author of The Plural Of Hyena blog!)

Anyway, since I'm having a hard time coming up with anything better to write about today, I figured I'd share the names of these oddball books that I either am reading or am planning on reading in the near future with you, and share some links where you too can find one-of-a-kind e-books to clutter up your own e-reader, if you have one. Even if you don't have one, if you're reading this right now you probably have a computer, and most of these books are also available as PDF's which can be read right on your computer.

In most cases, I haven't read these books yet, so I'd hardly recommend them sight unseen. Read the synopses for yourselves, and decide if you'd like to give them a whirl or not...

1)  How To Cook Husbands and (its companion piece) The Gentle Art Of Cooking Wives:  Both by Elizabeth Strong Worthington, these humorous fictional tales were written in the latter part of the 19th century with the intent of shedding light on issues of gender equality (or inequality, as was often the case at the time).

2)  Princess Callie And The Totally Amazing Talking Tiara:  This young adult fantasy novel, written by Daisy Piper, is a familiar-seeming tale of a teenage girl who is whisked away to a magical kingdom where she is, in fact, a princess, and is the only one who can save the kingdom from certain destruction. I'm currently reading this one, and while there isn't a whole lot of originality to the story, it's written very tongue-in-cheek and is a fun, light read.

3)  That Bear Ate My Pants!:  This is the true story of a guy (the author Tony James Slater) who went to Ecuador to volunteer at an animal refuge, and bit off more than he could chew. Or, conversely, was bitten more than he could handle being chewed. Anyway, it's supposed to be as crazy as it sounds – probably highly exaggerated but still worth a read, I hope.

4)  Disembodied Spider Meat:  This ten-story collection from horror author Mark Wheaton is advertised as being "full of madness, murder, and mayhem" (aren't those the three "M"'s of most horror stories?). I'm sure it's probably every bit as gruesome as it's purported to be, but why the oddball title? Who knows! Will I read it? Of course.

5)  They Had Goat Heads:  Another short-story collection, this one written by D. Harlan Wilson. Described as "ferociously mind-bending", these stories are said to include things like "egg raids, hog rippers, monk spitters (?), [and] fathers who take their children to pet stores to buy them whales." Well, at least they sound highly imaginative. We'll see.

6)  God Drives A Tow Truck:  This compilation of true stories by author Vicky Kaseorg details her quest to find God. "In her voyage from atheist to believer, she gradually discovers that while God's face may not be clearly seen, the brush of His fingertips is often felt." Interesting. Wonder if she's writing a sequel: "The Devil Is An IRS Auditor"? I'd read that one, too.

7)  Assault With A Deadly Glue Gun:  Apparently, this cozy mystery story by writer Lois Winston is Book 1 of the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series. Now, some of you out there might be thrilled to know that there's a crafting mystery series in existence. Or maybe you already know, and you've read it, and you like it. Me, I'm disappointed. I got this book strictly for its absurd-sounding title, and didn't know it had anything to do with crafting (which doesn't interest me in the least). Oh well, maybe my wife will like it?

8)  Bubba And The Dead Woman:  Does this sound like a redneck murder mystery? Well, good, 'cause that's exactly what it is. This quirky novel by C.L. Bevill takes place at the Snoddy Mansion in the small town of Pegramville, and includes colorful characters such as Bubba's mother, Miz Demetrice, who runs a gambling ring, and their Basset hound, Precious. Oh boy, I don't know whether or not I'm ready for this one just yet!

9)  Chico: The Story Of A Homing Pigeon:  Written by Lucy M. Blanchard, this is the true story of a homing pigeon from Italy that wins a medal for bravery in World War One. Come on, admit it, you'd read that! Right? Oh.

10)  The Fabulous Clipjoint:  This 1948 Edgar Award-winning pulp mystery novel by Fredric Brown is centered around an 18-year-old boy named Ed who teams with his Uncle Ambrose to find out who killed Ed's dad. I want to read this one just to find out what a clipjoint is, and why it's a fabulous one. Sure, I could just Google it, but reading it is bound to be more fun. Hopefully.

11)  Land Of Corn Chips: The blurb for this young adult novel by Angela Carlie is so great that I simply can't put it into my own words any better: "Eleven-year-old Nate Hansen never believed in dragons before an eccentric man with a purple-feather hat kidnaps him. Spirited to the Land of Corn Chips on the back of a mechanical yellow dragon, Nate must find a way to avoid being ground into compost. His only hope of escape is to earn the friendship of the local wrestling gang and zombie kids, and to believe in a parent he no longer trusts." 'Nuff said. 

12)  Ambrotox And Limping Dick:  This thriller novel by Oliver Fleming is so obscure that I can't even find a plot synopsis anywhere on the Internet! Suffice it to say, it can't be as bad as it sounds by the title. What I could find out about it was that "Oliver Fleming" was a pseudonym for Philip MacDonald, and that this book was co-authored by Philip and his father, Ronald. Yes, Ronald MacDonald. Insert juvenile snicker here.

13)  Charlie Woodchuck Is A Minor Niner:  This young adult novel by Dalya Moon follows the title character through her early days in high school, circa 1988, as she attempts to find out whether or not she's adopted. Her best friend, an expert blackmailer, and her other friend, the class clown, will attempt to solve the mystery while staving off "the biggest bullies of all": the school board! Gasp!

14)  I Thought My Uncle Was A Vampire, But He Was Just A Creep:  This strange-as-it-sounds novel by Richard Cassone pretty much tells you the entirety of its plot in the title. Apparently, there are also unscrupulous lawyers, overzealous detectives, and plenty of slapstick comedy involved. What about the kitchen sink? Is that thrown in there, too?

15)  Elvis Has Not Left The Building:  The first book in the Elvis Mystery series by J.R. Rain, this quirky novel tells what happened after Elvis faked his own death in 1977. Apparently, he underwent massive facial reconstruction surgery, changed his name to Aaron King, and moved to a small apartment in Los Angeles where he's now a septuagenarian private investigator. Yeah, okay, I'll read that.

Sites With A Good Number Of Free 
(And Legal) Books That You Can Download:

www.gutenberg.org   (public domain books, mostly classics)

www.smashwords.com  (old and new books –  click "Activate 
Adult Filter" at the bottom of the home page if you 
want to filter out the smutty books listed there)

www.feedbooks.com  (old and new books – this one doesn't have an Adult
Filter, so just be aware that some titles aren't appropriate for everyone)

www.manybooks.net  (lots of books to choose from here – mostly public 

domain books and classics, but there are some new ones, too)

www.getfreeebooks.com  (this is basically a blog site that gathers free 

e-book listings from across the web, and provides links to exterior sites to 

download them – it's a good resource, just not a great first place to look)

Of course, if you have a Kindle, there's always www.amazon.com. And for you Nook readers, there's www.barnesandnoble.com. There are plenty of free books to choose from on both of those sites, too.

A President's Day Compendium Of Quotes

Love 'em or hate 'em, our presidents have, in many ways, helped shape America as we know it today. Yes, some of them were idiots – I'm not naming any names, since this is an issue that's always open to interpretation – but some of them have also been among the wisest, wittiest, and most well-respected citizens this nation has ever seen. Most, if not all of our presidents, have left behind numerous nuggets of wisdom, humorous quotes, or candidly honest remarks which history has preserved. In honor of President's Day, I hope you'll enjoy this collection of some of their more memorable quotes, as well as a few lesser-known but still priceless gems...


1)  "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." ~ George Washington



2)  "There are two educations. One should teach us how to make a living, and the other how to live." ~ John Adams


3)  "Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it." ~ Thomas Jefferson


4)  "All men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree." ~ James Madison


5)  "It is only when people become ignorant and corrupt, when they degenerate into a populace, that they are incapable of exercising their sovereignty." ~ James Monroe


6)  "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader." ~ John Quincy Adams


7)  "Every good citizen makes his country's honor his own, and cherishes it not only as precious but as sacred. He is willing to risk his life in its defense and is conscious that he gains protection while he gives it." ~ Andrew Jackson


8)  "The government should not be guided by Temporary Excitement, but by Sober Second Thought." ~ Martin Van Buren


9)  "All the measures of the Government are directed to the purpose of making the rich richer and the poor poorer." ~ William Henry Harrison


10)  "Popularity, I have always thought, may aptly be compared to a coquette – the more you woo her, the more apt is she to elude your embrace." ~ John Tyler


11)  "No president who performs his duties faithfully and conscientiously can have any leisure." ~ James K. Polk


12)  "I have always done my duty. I am ready to die. My only regret is for the friends I leave behind me." ~ Zachary Taylor


13)  "May God save the country, for it is evident that the people will not." ~ Millard Fillmore


14)  "Frequently the more trifling the subject, the more animated and protracted the discussion." ~ Franklin Pierce


15)  "What is right and what is practicable are two different things." ~ James Buchanan


16)  "Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?" ~ Abraham Lincoln


17)  "It's a d@#% poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word." ~ Andrew Johnson


18)  "Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you may occasionally find men who disgrace labor." ~ Ulysses S. Grant


19)  "In avoiding the appearance of evil, I am not sure but I have sometimes unnecessarily deprived myself and others of innocent enjoyments." ~ Rutherford B. Hayes


20)  "Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter." ~ James A. Garfield


21)  "I may be president of the United States, but my private life is nobody's d@#%ed business." ~ Chester A. Arthur


22)  "I would rather the man who presents something for my consideration subject me to a zephyr of truth and a gentle breeze of responsibility than blow me down with a curtain of hot wind."  ~ Grover Cleveland


23)  "Great lives never go out; they go on." ~ Benjamin Harrison


24)  "Sometimes I wake at night in the White House and rub my eyes and wonder if it is not all a dream." ~ Grover Cleveland  (in his nonconsecutive second term)
 

25)  "War should never be entered upon until every agency of peace has failed." ~ William McKinley


26)  "A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user." ~ Theodore Roosevelt


27)  "Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood." ~ William Howard Taft


28)  "If you want to make enemies, try to change something." ~ Woodrow Wilson


29)  "America's present need is not heroics but healing; not nostrums but normalcy; not revolution but restoration." ~ Warren G. Harding  (interesting fact: Harding invented the word "normalcy" in this speech, but it caught on and has since become a "real" word)
 

30)  "Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong." ~ Calvin Coolidge


31)  "Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover


32)  "Be sincere; be brief; be seated." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


33)  "If you can't convince them, confuse them." ~ Harry S Truman


34)  "History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid." ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower


35)  "Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men." ~ John F. Kennedy


36)  "I'd rather give my life than to be afraid to give it." ~ Lyndon B. Johnson


37)  "Always remember that others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." ~ Richard M. Nixon


38)  "A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have." ~ Gerald R. Ford


39)  "We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles." ~ Jimmy Carter


40)  "Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement." ~ Ronald Reagan

 
41)  "I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." ~ George H.W. Bush


42)  "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured with what is right in America." ~ Bill Clinton


43)  "You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." ~ George W. Bush


44)  "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." ~ Barack Obama

Ten Things You Aren't Supposed To "Be" In Church

I missed church this morning due to my ongoing chest cold (seven days and counting, wahoo!). I hated not being there, but I simply didn't feel well enough to go.

This got me thinking (something always does -- fortunately or unfortunately for you, Reader). What are some general "shouldn't" rules regarding church services? I'm not talking legalism -- I abhor it. I'm not talking about "The Ten Commandments" -- I'm pretty sure Somebody already wrote those a long time ago.

I'm talking common sense and common decency. If you won't refrain from these things for your own sake, at least don't do them for your pastor's sake. He works hard to prepare each week -- he deserves nothing less than your full participation in the service. And if you won't refrain from doing them for your pastor's sake, then at least refrain from doing them for God's sake! (No, I'm not swearing -- go back and read it again, in context this time.) He deserves nothing less than your best in everything.

So, without further ado, the ten things you aren't supposed to "BE" in church...

1)  Bored.  If you're bored in church, one of three things is the problem. You're not really listening, you don't really care, or you have a bad pastor. Chances are, it's one of the first two, and you need to handle your business. But if you do happen to have a bad pastor, you should consider going somewhere else. If you're not being fed spiritually, then maybe that's not where God wants you to be. But it may just be that you just don't want to eat what they're serving. Look in the mirror before you do anything rash.

2)  Sleepy.  Chances are, you know what days you are having church well in advance. So, knowing that, you might want to plan ahead and get a good night's sleep. Now maybe you've just gotten off work, and you're worn out. I get that. If you've come straight from work, and you're dead tired, but you're still there, that's admirable on your part. But do your best to stay awake as much as is possible. And, for heaven's sake, get to bed at a decent hour! (I'm speaking to myself on this one as much as I am anybody else.)

3)  Excessively Hungry.  This is one that can also be avoided by planning ahead. If you know what time church is going to be -- and chances are, you do know in advance -- then you should probably grab a bite to eat shortly before you come to church, or at least have a snack. Maybe you are coming straight from work -- again, that's admirable of you -- on days like those, perhaps try to take a later lunch break if possible. Ultimately, what you're trying to avoid here is that embarrassing gurgle-gurgle-gurgle which often happens right when the pastor is taking a dramatic pause for emphasis. And you have to give that uncomfortable smile to your neighbor, or maybe take that gentle elbow in the ribs from your significant other. And basically, you've just caused ten or twelve people in your immediate vicinity to stop listening to the pastor and think about their next meal. (I'm also guilty of this one, both of being hungry and of being distracted by others' hunger.)

4)  Flatulent.  This is perhaps one of the most embarrassing of the things that you ought not "be", as it can disrupt not only you but people four or five rows behind or in front of you. Maybe you ate Mexican food last night, or maybe you just have unresolved gastrointestinal issues. Whatever it is, you might want to take care of that. If you know you are prone to this unwelcome behavior, you may want to keep a bottle of Beano handy. This is also one of those things which can lead to other unacceptable behavior, like lying in church (shame on you!). If your neighbor happens to catch a whiff of something unpleasant, and scrunches up his or her nose in your direction, and you -- the guilty party -- simply shrug your shoulders or maybe even -- gasp! -- shake your head to say "no, it wasn't me" -- then you've just compounded your issues. Take the necessary steps to make sure this doesn't happen. And if you feel as though it's unavoidable, at least step outside for a moment and spare those around you from any unnecessary agony.

5)  Under The Influence.  This one should go without saying, but these days you never know. If you're wondering if it's okay to show up for church plastered or stoned -- no it's not. They probably won't turn you away, but they probably won't sit you in the front row either. And you might not personally get much out of the service, so you may as well stay at home. Also, there is the outside chance that you may suddenly feel the urge to stand up and shout, "Whoa, is it me or are these chandeliers spinning?" which would not, in fact, be an appropriate substitute for "Amen, brother!"

6)  Talkative.  If you are over the age of four, and you are sitting in church, you ought to know better than to carry on a conversation with your neighbor, yourself, or your pencil during a church service. It's not only disruptive, it's terribly annoying. Now maybe you go to a church where vocal responses to what the pastor is saying are not only acceptable but encouraged. That's a different story altogether. I'm not talking about an interactive worship experience -- that's all well and good, and often appropriate. I'm talking about conversation. Conversation that could be had after church (in the case of your neighbor), or internally (in the case of yourself), or never (in the case of your pencil). It's conversation that should be avoided. Have some respect. Incidentally, if you are under the age of four, you are off the hook for this one, because you likely aren't old enough to know better, or to fully understand the reasons for this "shouldn't" rule. Also, if you are under the age of four, you're probably not reading this anyway, so never mind.

7)  Overly Amused.  So, maybe your pastor likes to start off his message with a joke. Maybe it's not that funny, or maybe it truly is. And you chuckle. If your pastor is particularly witty, you might even laugh out loud, maybe even slap your knee. That's perfectly fine -- these are genuine human responses, for which there is nothing to be ashamed of. But what you probably shouldn't do is cackle uncontrollably at something that has either been said or done near you, or at some random thought which has suddenly crossed your mind. I will give you an example from my personal history. I was in Adult Sunday School in my old church. I can't remember why I wasn't in Children's Church, but it probably had something to do with my social awkwardness (what's new there?). Anyway, the Sunday School, encompassing all ages of adults, was held in the main sanctuary of the church. An older gentleman was the speaker that morning, and he began his lesson by relaying a story from his childhood (much as I am doing right now). He began his story, which was about his dad, by saying, "I died when my daddy was five."  Go back and read that again. Um, yeah. So, imagine being ten years old, being the only kid in a room full of somber adults, and trying to suppress your mirth. Yep, it was pretty near impossible. I started by covering my mouth, but the laughs kept seeping out. Then I buried my head in my chest, but my heaving shoulders gave me away. My fair skin turning beet red  everywhere it was exposed also betrayed me. Hiding under the pew didn't help, either -- the laughs simply echoed. Let's face it -- I ruined the Sunday School lesson. But I couldn't help it. Why my parents didn't suggest that I step outside till I regained my composure, I don't know. It would have likely been for the best. But I didn't. I laughed till it hurt. And that was bad. So, um, learn from my example. Don't do it. Even if your pastor, or elderly Sunday School teacher, does tell you that he passed away when his father was merely five years old. Just don't do it.

8)  Absent (In Body Or In Mind).  So, obviously, I'm guilty of this one today, but I did have valid reasons. The point here is that you should not be absent if you know you could be present. And if you are present, be present. Try not to let your mind wander unabated. Like I said before, the pastor has worked hard to prepare his message, and he deserves your attention. Not to mention the fact that God might have something life-changing He needs you to hear -- so listen, and be open to what He has to say.

9)  Sexy.  Yes, I said don't be sexy at church. I know some of you can't help the way you look -- God blessed you with beauty, and you feel as though you ought to be able to show it off. But please, leave more to the imagination. I'm speaking, from a guy's perspective, mainly of the ladies here. I'm a happily married man, but I have eyes, and they can see what's in front of them. If you're showing a little too much skin, or wearing clothes that are a little bit too tight, I can't help but to see you. Now what I do or don't do from there is on me. I can choose to look away, or I can choose to keep looking. And what I choose is my fault, or conversely, is to my credit. But for heaven's sake, don't tempt me to look by the way that you dress. Especially if you, too, are a married woman. What kind of message is that sending to your husband? And if you are an unmarried woman, what kind of message is that sending to your prospective mate? Think about it, and choose what you wear wisely. It really does matter more than you may think.

10)  On Facebook (Or Any Other Social Media For That Matter).  Again, this is a respect thing. And a "being present" thing. You can update your status later. You can see what So-And-So said about what you said when you commented on What's-Her-Name's wall after church. You can play FarmVille when you get home. You don't need to tweet to your many (or not so many) followers: "Hey, I'm in church, where are you at?". That's not exactly an ideal way to witness to your friends and family. Just turn your device off for the time being -- whether it's a phone, or a tablet, or whatever other kind of gadget that connects you to the outside world. Let the outside world stay outside, at least for an hour or so. This is worship time. It should take precedence over anything else.

Okay, I'll step down off my soapbox now. I'm not just talking to you, Reader. I'm pointing fingers at myself as well. I'm guilty of several of these, and I own that. But I'm working on it. Maybe you need to too. Think about it.

Flash Fiction: "A Pitcher Of Good Iced Tea"

It's rare that I write anything regional whatsoever. More often than not, I don't even have a particular setting for my shorter pieces. But this little story, or travelogue if you will, is distinctly Southern in flavor. Hope you enjoy reading it.

"A PITCHER OF GOOD ICED TEA"

If you want to be a Southerner's best friend, there are just a few things you must remember. First of all, never refuse our hospitality – it's one of the things we're known for. Second, never be surprised if we are inhospitable – we are, after all, human too. Third, learn the correct meaning of and try to acquire a taste for grits. Fourth, never say "y'all" or "ain't" around us if you'd never say it away from us – we don't like to be patronized. And fifth, never underestimate the value of a pitcher of good iced tea.

Now, I know y'all folks up North take a fancy to hot tea, hot coffee, hot chocolate, and all kinds of other hot stuff. I reckon it's because you need something warm to heat you up from all that cold weather you have. But when you're down here, you'll find things a bit warmer and a bit more leisurely. And there's nothing much sweeter on a hot, leisurely day than a tall glass of iced tea.

It doesn't have to be sweet to taste good – although many of us like it that way. Some folks prefer their tea unsweetened, while others have to have it that way – you know, for health reasons. But any way you fix it is just fine, as long as it's nice and cold.

Rare is the occasion that you won't find a pitcher of iced tea (or two, or twenty) present, whether it's a fellowship supper, ladies' auxiliary, town meeting, or political rally. The fact of the matter is, iced tea is as much a part of the South as the way we drawl our words, the way we never forget our past, and the precious time we spend doing nothing.

I reckon you folks don't have much time for "doing nothing" up there in the big cities and metropolitan areas – all work, no play, so they say. We work too, and hard – we wouldn't eat if we didn't – but play is very important to us, too. We take the time to enjoy the day as well as make productive use out of it. And at the end of a full day of work and play, nothing soothes the soul like good iced tea. We can easily polish off a pitcher in a single night.

Now, don't think we look down on y'all for choosing not to drink your tea cold. But, as the saying goes, don't knock it till you've tried it. You just might be surprised.

As for the other things, well... You can probably go your whole life and never know what grits are – though I wouldn't recommend it. And you can even pretend you know how to properly use the words "ain't" and "y'all" – we won't rag you too hard about it. But please don't come here and tell us we don't know how to drink our tea. We do – we just do it on our own special way.

So next you're down this way, for visiting, for business, or (if you're real lucky or real smart) for relocating, be sure to bring a healthy appetite – we'll feed you good – and an unquenchable thirst. We've got just the thing for it.

Things I Find Fascinating: Really Awful TV Commercials

It's Friday. You deserve to have a few laughs. I know I had plenty while watching these awesomely bad TV commercials. If you had to categorize these "gems," you'd probably put them under "It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time..." But they weren't. They were really, really, really BAD ideas! 

But at least we get to reap the benefits of this rampant ludicrousness. There are literally hundreds I could have chosen from on the World Wide Web, but these are the ones that made the cut. 

You can't make this stuff up! Enjoy!

1)  Flea Market Montgomery: "It's just like, It's just like, A Mini-Mall!"  This guy had way too much fun doing this commercial. He sings, he raps, he even dances. He'll do whatever it takes to sell you "living rooms, bedrooms, dinettes – oh yeah!"

2)  Bobby Denning Furniture:  Yes, I found a truly local commercial. For those of you reading this in Eastern North Carolina, this furniture (and apparently everything else!) store is located just down the road in Mt. Olive, North Carolina. And you can go there and buy anything you're looking for, as long as it can be sold legally. (But that probably wouldn't stop them, either!) As if the commercial itself wasn't weird enough already, listen closely for the creepy voiceovers at random times throughout.

3)  T.D.M. Auto Sales:  Oh dear me, another North Carolina commercial! This one's for a car dealership in High Point. Rudy, the Cuban-gynecologist-turned-American-auto-salesman, wants to sell you a car so badly that he took the time to include every bad Cuban pun he could think up to convince you. Not to mention some ill-advised musical interludes.

4)  C.P.A. Claycomb:  Badly delivered (and written) lines, disinterested participants, and one scary space pig named the "Tax Monster" equal one awesomely bad commercial! Wow! Just...wow!

5)  Eagleman:  When a life-sized eagle goes splat on top of your car then proceeds to squat and lay an egg which hatches immediately and a baby eagle comes out with a "low rates" sheet in its mouth, it must be Eagleman! If they'd only had insurance on their car, none of this would have ever happened!

6)  Griffith's Electronics Boutique Emporium:  I can't figure this one out. Is it really an old commercial selling weird electronics, or is it a newer commercial pretending to be old, you know, doing the "retro" thing! Either way, it's awful. The spokesperson stutters badly at the beginning, then proceeds to offer you a bunch of products no one would ever want, before blaaassssting off into space. Yeah, okay...

7)  Barbie And Her Poop-Eating Dog, Tanner:  I had to watch this one a couple of times to make sure of what I was seeing. But it apparently is what it looks like at first glance. Barbie's dog poops out little green pellets when you crank his tail downward. Then you can either eat the pellets (which are apparently candy) or you can feed them back to the dog. Yep, you put the poop in the dog's mouth and it swallows it! I wonder how long it took the marketing exec for this ad to get fired?

8)  Snuggie Jingle Bells: Wow, wouldn't it be great to get a Snuggie for Christmas this year? But do you know what would be even better? I've got it: Let's invite the whole family over for a Snuggie-wearing party! We'll gather in the piano room for a good old-fashioned sing-along about our Snuggies to the tune of "Jingle Bells." Ooh, I can't wait!

But what if your family is Jewish? What then? No problem. Snuggie has got you covered!

9)  Golden Gate Funeral Home: Yes, dearly departed one, "your family made the smart choice" when they chose Golden Gate Funeral Home. Just look at "the new 300" hearse you get to roll out in. And man oh man, is that a fine casket! And look at you lying there in it – you've never looked THIS good before! What a shame that you never will again either! Oh, well...

10)  Hiney Wine:  Okay, so this one's a bit inappropriate. (Kids, cover your eyes!) But it's apparently a real commercial, and it is real funny. But why they ever thought it was a good idea, and how it ever aired on television is beyond me. Consider yourself forewarned!

Flash Fiction: "Upchurch Is A Liar"

As part of my ongoing efforts to rework old material for eventual publication (hopefully), here's a piece I wrote a few years ago, and rewrote recently. Forewarning: It's written in the vernacular of urban youth, but stick with it – I think you'll find its content relevant and worthwhile. Enjoy!


"UPCHURCH IS A LIAR"


Friend of mine, guy named Devon – calls himself Devo, like that weird band from the eighties – was sittin' with me at lunch the other day, talkin' 'bout some book he'd been readin' lately – like I'd care.

I was just sittin' there pretendin' to be listenin', and he's like, "You know what I'm sayin', man?" And I said, "No, not 'xactly." So he started tellin' me again what he said before when I wasn't listenin' the first time. I was still sort of not listenin' this time, but I sort of was so I wouldn't have to go through it all a third time.

Anyway, Devo started goin' on and on about some guy named Upchurch. Guess he's a writer or somethin', 'cause he wrote this book called The Truth And Nothing But, and Devo was sayin' how all these things that Upchurch was sayin' was, like, gospel truth or somethin'.

But then when he started tellin' me some of the specific things this Upchurch dude had wrote about, I started listenin' a little bit closer, 'cause some of it didn't sound quite right.

Devo said, "According to Upchurch, the biggest threat to America today is the rise of the free-thinkin' black man."

"Dude actually wrote that in a book?" I couldn't believe it.

"Yeah. So?"

"He white?" I asked.

"What you mean is Upchurch white? 'Course he's white. You ever hear of a black man named Upchurch?"

"He's the worst kind of white if you ask me. What's a man doin' writin' junk like that 'bout the black man for, and he white?"

Devo ignored my comment, and continued. "Upchurch says that the longer we allow women to believe they're equal to men in society, the more downhill we'll be goin' as a country."

"Are you kiddin' me, Devo?"

"That's what the man said. I ain't makin' it up."

I gave Devo my best you must be crazy look, and said, "And you agree with that statement?"

"I ain't sayin' I agree with him, but I ain't sayin' I don't neither. Man makes some valid points."

"Ooh, listen to you, Mr. Devo. 'Man makes some valid points.' Shoot, bruh done got intellectual on me here."

"You don't know what you talkin' about, man!" Devo shot back.

"Nah, man. Upchurch is the one who don't know what he's talkin' 'bout," I told him. "You wait till the feminists get wind of that, or any self-respecting womenfolk for that matter. They'll be on him like white on rice. Well...more like rice on white, I guess."

Devo was determined, I'll give him that. Because he went on to share another "Upchurchism" with me. "According to Upchurch, the only thing that can save America from utter ruin is for us all to reject God and live a life devoted to ourselves."

I had to stand up to handle that one. "Now, I'll take issue with that on a personal level, bruh. Maybe I ain't always perfect, and maybe I don't go to church often as I ought to, but one thing I can tell you: When I ain't leanin' on the everlastin' arms, then I'm in bad shape for sure! You know what I'm sayin', Devo?"

"You won't even give the man the point that we almost there already – to livin' a life devoted entirely to ourselves?"

"So what if we are? Does that make it right?" I was spittin' the words out now. "Devo, man, the way I see it, that white dude's sayin' as long as you be good to yourself then everything'll be alright. That ain't the truth, bruh! That ain't even nothin' but!"

Despite the fact that I was losin' my cool, Devo kept at it. "Upchurch says that the best thing we can do, as a nation –"

"The best thing we can do as a nation," I interrupted, "is to tell Upchurch to keep his 'truth' to himself! Dude can babble on and on about what he believes all he wants, and can even find somebody stupid enough to print it, but that don't make him right! Upchurch ain't tellin' you the truth, bruh! Upchurch is a liar! And if you insist on spoutin' off any and every thing that dude says, then you a liar too! I won't have no part of it, and I won't have nothin' to do with you either!"

I think I finally got his attention. Devo kinda looked down and to the side like he didn't wanna look me in the eye, and mumbled, "I guess you're right."

"You dang right I'm right, and don't you forget it!"

Lunch period was just about over now. Devo said "later" and made his way out the door. But just before he disappeared from sight, I saw him reach inside his bookbag, pull out a big book with a white man's face on the cover, and chunk it in the trashcan.

That was the last I heard 'bout Upchurch.




POSTSCRIPT:  I'd love to hear your thoughts or comments on any of my fiction. These pieces are all "works in progress" and anything that you, as readers, think might make them better will certainly be considered. You can find my other posted stories here, here, here, here, and here.

Fear And Self-Loathing In G-Vegas

My head is swimming with a multiplicity of thoughts, most of them dark. I feel angry, cynical, gloomy, and frustrated. There are many reasons for this, and there are no reasons at all. I don't know how to explain it any better.

Sometimes I just need to vent, to get it all out there, whether it makes sense or not, whether it helps or not. Today is one of those days.

I had an unhealthy bout of anger earlier this morning. I ranted and raved, entirely to myself, about something that really didn't matter. When I was done, I asked myself if I felt better, and knew that I didn't. I'm usually so even-tempered, but sometimes just below the surface, a rage seethes. I don't know what causes it, but fortunately it dissipates quickly.

I'm fighting a cold that makes me cough infrequently; but when I do cough, my chest hurts. I'm taking over-the-counter medicine for it, but it's not going away quickly enough. I want to rip out my lungs, insert new ones that aren't all gunky, and start afresh. You know the feeling, right?

Sometimes I'm comfortable in my own skin. And at other times, I hate who I am, who I've become, and who I've settled for being thus far. I want to be more, but I settle for less. I want to be better, but I end up being worse. I'm not talking about merely ambition, or even the way I look (though I could go on all day listing the things I hate about myself).

I get tired of bogging myself down in things that don't matter, while avoiding or neglecting the things that do. I know what I'm doing, and that it's pointless or maybe self-defeating, but I can't seem to focus on what is important. That frustrates me to no end!

I want to do something productive with my writing. I'm working hard at developing my skills, honing them on a daily basis here. Yet some days I feel as though I have nothing to offer, nothing really worth saying. Even when I have something I think is worth sharing, I wonder if anyone else even cares to hear it. I wonder if reading me daily is too much to ask of them – not too much of a good thing, just simply too much. I worry that they're judging me when I dare to be unflinchingly honest. I'm paranoid, yes; but it's only because I do care what people think about me. I probably shouldn't care so much.

I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I'm not worthy of either one. Yes, I'm feeling down but I'll get over it. It's just a phase, right?

We're going out of town for part of this weekend. Get out of Greenville for a little while, maybe do something outdoorsy. Some fresh air would be nice. It may not help, but it certainly can't hurt.

Enough of this...

Words I Wish I Wrote: 75 Love Quotes

Okay, okay, so I didn't write anything original today (except for this paragraph), but I think you'll still find the following quotes to be inspiring, amusing, sentimental, romantic...take your pick. In most bookstores or gift shops, you'd have to pay $5.95 or maybe even $9.99 for a collection of quotes all in one place like this. But this is free (you're welcome). Feel free to reuse them however you wish. They aren't mine anyway. Happy Valentine's Day!


1)  "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." – Ingrid Bergman, actress

2)  "A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy." – George Jean Nathan, drama critic

3)  "Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." – Francois de La Rochefoucauld, writer

4)  "Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis, writer

5)  "All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time." – Julie Andrews, actress

6)  "Come live in my heart, and pay no rent." – Samuel Lover, songwriter

7)  "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." – Lao Tzu, philosopher

8)  "Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never." – Charles Caleb Colton, cleric

9)  "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." – Albert Einstein, physicist

10)  "I believe in the compelling power of love. I do not understand it. I believe it to be the most fragrant blossom of all this thorny existence." – Theodore Dreiser, novelist

11)  "I like not only to be loved, but also to be told I am loved." – George Eliot, novelist

12)  "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." – A. A. Milne, writer

13)  "If you want to be loved, be lovable." – Ovid, poet

14)  "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'" – Erich Fromm, psychologist

15)  "It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet

16)  "Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love." – Mother Teresa, nun and all-around awesome human being

17)  "Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." – Khalil Gibran, poet

18)  "Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." – David Grayson, journalist

19)  "Love conquers all." – Virgil, poet

20)  "Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." – James A. Baldwin, writer

21)  "Love does not dominate; it cultivates." – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, poet

22)  "Love is a game that two can play and both win." – Eva Gabor, actress

23)  "Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs." – William Shakespeare, playwright

24)  "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." – Leo Buscaglia, writer

25)  "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." – Peter Ustinov, actor

26)  "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." – Robert Frost, poet

27)  "Love is being stupid together." – Paul Valery, poet

28)  "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." – Aristotle, philosopher

29)  "Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." – H.L. Mencken, writer

30)  "Love is the beauty of the soul." – Saint Augustine, theologian

31)  "Love is the poetry of the senses." – Honore de Balzac, novelist

32)  "Love is what you've been through with somebody." – James Thurber, humorist

33)  "Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself." – Andre Breton, poet

34)  "Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you." – Loretta Young, actress

35)  "Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." – Zora Neale Hurston, dramatist

36)  "Love that is not madness is not love." – Pedro Calderon de la Barca, dramatist

37)  "Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction." – Antoine de Saint-Exupery, novelist

38)  "One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." – Paulo Coelho,  novelist

39)  "People need loving the most when they deserve it the least." – John Harrigan, writer

40)  "Take away love and our earth is a tomb." – Robert Browning, poet

41)  "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." – Victor Hugo, novelist

42)  "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." – Jiddu Krishnamurti, philosopher

43)  "The only abnormality is the incapacity to love." – Anais Nin, writer

44)  "The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." – G.K. Chesterton, writer

45)  "There is only one terminal dignity - love." – Helen Hayes, actress

46)  "Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." – Henry Van Dyke, poet

47)  "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." – Alfred Lord Tennyson, poet

48)  "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." – Tom Robbins, writer

49)  "What the world really needs is more love and less paper work." – Pearl Bailey, actress

50)  "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." – Emily Bronte, novelist

51)  "Who, being loved, is poor?" – Oscar Wilde, dramatist

52)  "It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them." – Agatha Christie, novelist

53)  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." – The Bible (I Corinthians 13: 4 - 8, NIV)

54)  "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." – Robert A. Heinlein, novelist

55)  "If you have love, you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it does not much matter what else you have." – J.M. Barrie, dramatist

56)  "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." – Sam Keen, writer

57)  "Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." – Benjamin Franklin, writer/Founding Father

58)  "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." – Franklin P. Jones, businessman

59)  "There is no remedy for love but to love more." – Henry David Thoreau, writer

60)  "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything." – Katharine Hepburn, actress

61)  "You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving." – Robert Louis Stevenson

62)  "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." – Rumi, poet

63)  "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved." – Barbara Johnson, writer

64)  "The first duty of love is to listen." – Paul Tillich, theologian

65)  "The selfless love that we give to others, to the point of being willing to sacrifice our lives for them, is all the proof I need that human beings are not mere animals of self-interest. We carry within us a divine spark, and if we chose to recognize it, our lives have dignity, meaning, hope." – Dean Koontz, novelist

66)  "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss, writer

67)  "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.” – André Gide, writer

68)  “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” – Pablo Neruda, poet

69)  "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough..." – Nicholas Sparks, novelist

70)  "We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” – Robert Fulghum, writer

71)  "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford, actress

72)  “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning, poet

73)  "Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” – Louis de Bernières, novelist

74)  “Look after my heart - I've left it with you.” – Stephenie Meyer

75)  “Love doesn't just sit there like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.” – Ursula K. Le Guin, novelist

Flash Fiction: "Bite The Dust, My Darling"

Just in time for Valentine's Day, I present for your entertainment (not to be taken seriously in the least) this snarky little anti-love story, rescued from my "vault" of writings, that I composed who-knows-how-many years ago. I would've come up with something original or something better, but I stayed home from work today because I'm still sick, and I'm doing all I can just to function. So please cut me a wee bit of slack. Enjoy?


"Bite The Dust, My Darling"

She says to me, "You ain't worth a plug nickel. You ain't nothing, you ain't never been nothing, and you ain't never gonna be nothing."

I says to her, "Look who's talking! What've you ever done for anybody?"

And she says, "Plenty! I've done plenty!"

And I says, "Ha!"

And she says, "What's that supposed to mean?"

And I says, "Means just what it says. Ha!"

And she laughs at me, and I says, "What're you laughing at? I got something on my face?"

And she says, "Nothing out of the ordinary. But that don't mean it ain't funny to look at."

I says, "You know what you are?"

She says, "No, why don't you tell me?"

I says, "You're a shame and a disgrace, that's what you are."

And she says, "Now if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is!"

And I says to her, "Then you don't know what is. I never been nothing but good to you, and you treat me like this."

And she says to me, "This is treating me good? You don't come home when you ought to, you don't talk to me, you never show affection to me, and you call that treating me good?"

And I says, "I'm doing the best I can."

And she says, "Well, it ain't good enough. It ain't never been good enough, and it ain't ever gonna be good enough to make me happy with you."

And I says, "Why don' t you tell me how you really feel?"

And she says, "All right, I will. I want a divorce."

And I says, "Over my dead body. You said 'I do', now you're stuck with me."

And she says, "I don't think so. Forever don't mean forever."

And I says, "In what Bible did you read that?"

And she says, "Don't get all spiritual on me. I want you out."

And I says to her, "I got news for you. This is my house. Bought and paid for."

And she says, "But it's in my name, too. And I get it all if you pass."

And I says, "Who says I'm gonna pass so you can get it all?"

And she says, "Sometimes accidents happen, you know."

And I says, "What are you trying to say? You gonna kill me or something?"

And she says, "Maybe I am. What of it?"

And I says, "I've a great mind to sock you one right here and now."

And she says, "Not if I sock you first."

And I says, "You and what army?"

And she says, "Me and this here." And then she pulls out this knife, looks like a Bowie knife with a blade about eight inches long.

And I says, "What are you gonna do with that? Carve me up?"

And she says, "Don't make me have to."

And I says, "I ain't no chicken. Do it if you think you're woman enough."

And she says, "Dare me one more time, and I will."

And I says, "I double-dog-dare you to gut me one good time!"

And she does it. She shoves that Bowie knife right between my ribs. I can feel it puncture my lung. And then I don't feel nothing but fire and pain in my chest.

I know I must be bleeding from inside, but there ain't nothing I can do about it. And I'm lying there on the ground, bleeding like a stuck pig, and she comes up to me, stands over me and says, "Told you I would do it."

And I says, with my dying breath, "Well, that's one time you were right."

An Accidental Comedy

As I sat watching tonight's Easter drama practice, still a bit under the weather and only half-engaged, my mind started to wander (sorry, cast!) to one of my very first adventures on the stage.

It wasn't my first play ever. That would have been the third grade class play, when I played the main part as the prophet, Jonah . I don’t think I was very good in that play, but at the very least it was a benign performance. Nothing too outrageous that I would still remember any details of it some twenty-five years later.

No, tonight I was thinking of the second (and not surprisingly the last) school play that I was involved in. I can’t really say I was in the play, other than in a behind-the-scenes kind of role. But I nearly singlehandedly ruined the play nonetheless.

It was my sixth grade year. Our class was putting on a play , most likely for the parents as part of some parent/teacher conference night, though I can’t recall the details (for reasons that will soon become obvious). The play – I don’t remember the title – was basically a synopsis of the Creation story and the Fall of Man. Our Adam and Eve were a guy and a girl who stood in back of the wooden flat which made up our backdrop (painted to look like the Garden of Eden) and poked their heads and arms through in holes cut for that purpose. I think we also had some actors and actresses dressed up as various animals in the Garden. Beyond that, I don’t remember a whole lot about the play. I just know I wasn’t part of the cast.

My behind-the scene responsibilities were to, along with a female classmate of mine (I think her name was Wendy), move props into and out of place or simply to hand the props to the actors when they needed them. Suffice it to say, Wendy and I clearly didn’t have enough to do and we both became quite bored a mere ten minutes into the play.

Someone in our class had brought a couple of plastic birds mounted on these two- or three-foot long wires. The thought behind these was that we’d attach them somehow to the back of the flat so that only the birds crested over the top of the flat. I suppose it was supposed to add some three-dimensional visual appeal to the scenery or something. Well, for some reason, the birds had never been attached to the flat and they were just lying around on a bench backstage.

Bored out of our minds, Wendy and I got the brilliant idea to be the bird holder-uppers ourselves, and proceeded to do so. But holding the birds sitting just within sight of the audience at the top of the flat quickly became boring. So we decided to give the birds something more fun to do.

We began twirling the birds-on-a-wire between our respective palms, causing the birds to spin around and around rapidly. We did this for awhile till that also became boring. (Keep in mind, we were easily distractible sixth graders.) We thought it odd that the audience seemed to be laughing sporadically. Strange, the Creation story had never struck me as humorous before. And Wendy remarked that the Fall of Man had never tickled her funny bone either. Oh well…there’s no accounting for taste, right?

After a few minutes of performing the birds’ whirling dervishes, Wendy and I decided that it would only be appropriate to then demonstrate the birds’ dizziness. So we tipped the birds, exposed wire and all, over the top of the flat and began spinning them slowly right above Adam and Eve’s heads. Apparently, this action only served to distract our Adam and Eve, and they started to stumble through their lines clumsily, even as the sporadic laughter of the audience became more constant and much louder.

Then it hit Wendy and I at almost the same instant: They like us! They really, really like us! So we started back with the twirling and the dipping over the front again. We added to the routine by walking our birds back and forth along the length of the flat, all the while spinning and twirling and dipping as it struck our fancy. The laughter just kept getting louder and louder, and the actors and actresses on stage kept struggling more and more to say their lines, with very little success. For some reason, the cast of our play was not nearly as impressed with our efforts as the audience and Wendy and I ourselves were. We would later learn, in no uncertain terms, that our teacher was also none too pleased with our “performance.”

They say the show must go on, and somehow or another I suppose it did. Because eventually the play was over. All of our parents remarked what a funny play it had been, and how whomever was backstage manning those birds did such a great job with them. We were a hit! But, as we learned later, not for the reasons we should have been. Needless to say, the play lost much of its meaning about the time that the birds made their first appearance.

But here it is, some twenty or so years later, and I can’t help but remember that play. Now as a director, I can only cringe at the thought of something even remotely like this happening in one of the plays I was heading up. It’s amazing how much things change.


ADDENDUM:
To my current drama cast: I’m fully aware that our last night of performing the Easter play this year is on April Fool’s Day. But please don’t get any horrible ideas from this post. I can dish it out, but believe me, I can’t take it. Have mercy on me…