I wrote this skit awhile ago, thinking we might be able to use it for the "Night of Drama" presentation we do at our church each fall. As it turns out, it didn't quite fit last year's theme as well as some of the other ones I found, so I ended up rejecting my own skit. I still think it has some merit, though, in the right context. Let me know what you think....Enjoy!
"WAITING FOR SOMETHING"
CHARACTERS:
MARTY – a college student
HANK – a college student
(At LIGHTS UP, we see MARTY sitting on a bench with his head buried in his hands, looking rather depressed. HANK enters, barely even noticing MARTY, then suddenly stops and turns back to speak to him.)
HANK: Hey Marty, what's going on?
MARTY: What's up, Hank?
HANK: Not much, man. (looks at him curiously) What are you doing here?
MARTY: Me? Oh, I'm just waiting.
HANK: What are you waiting for?
MARTY: Waiting for something to happen.
HANK: Um, okay. Were you expecting anything in particular to happen?
MARTY: Yeah. A solution to my problem.
HANK: What's your problem?
MARTY: Nothing's happening in my life, that's my problem.
HANK: (to himself) I don't seem to getting anywhere here.
MARTY: Yeah, that's it exactly! I'm just not getting anywhere. Something needs to happen.
HANK: Define "something" for me, Marty, 'cuz I'm...
MARTY: Something! You know, anything other than nothing, that kind of something!
HANK: (flustered) Ohh-kay! (beat) Listen, while you're waiting, do you mind if I ask you a question?
MARTY: Sure, I've got nothing but time.
HANK: If I'm understanding you right, you're unhappy with your life, because nothing's
happening –
MARTY: Uh-huh.
HANK: And you're sitting here waiting until something does happen –
MARTY: Yep.
HANK: But you aren't doing anything to make it happen?
MARTY: What can I do to make something happen?
HANK: Anything!
MARTY: Anything?
HANK: Anything other than nothing, at least. Doing nothing sure doesn't seem to be
working for you.
MARTY: I guess not. But I can't really do anything. I mean, I'm not as talented as some
people, I don't have anything I'm particularly good at. And I – well, I guess I'm just
good for nothing.
HANK: Marty, you may be good at doing nothing, but you're not good for nothing.
MARTY: How do you know?
HANK: 'Cuz I know God, and I know you know God. And like the old saying goes: "God
don't make no junk."
MARTY: I do know God, but it doesn't seem like He knows me too well.
HANK: What do you mean?
MARTY: Well, I've been praying – you know, talking to God...
HANK: Okay...
MARTY: And I've been asking God for something to happen.
HANK: Well, that's something...
MARTY: But nothing's happened yet. So I'm not real sure God's listening.
HANK: Well, did you ask God for something in particular to happen?
MARTY: No, I don't suppose I specifically spelled anything out for Him. I mean, He's God – He knows what I need.
HANK: Well, how do you know He hasn't answered you, if you don't even know what you
asked Him for?
MARTY: I never thought of it like that.
HANK: Marty, it sounds like you're on the right track, but you might be on the wrong train.
MARTY: What do you mean?
HANK: You said that God knows what you need, and that's true. But you haven't really
asked Him for anything.
MARTY: I did. I asked Him for something to happen.
HANK: And then what?
MARTY: I waited. I'm still waiting!
HANK: So your job's done? The rest is up to Him?
MARTY: Well, yeah. I mean, He is God, you know!
HANK: (sighs) Okay, Marty. (beat) Listen, I was about to head over to the Quick Stop to pick up a soda. Do you want anything?
MARTY: Sure, I'll take something. Anything. It doesn't matter to me.
(Long beat. HANK doesn't move. MARTY looks at him curiously, begins to get impatient, then finally...)
MARTY: I thought you were going. You know, the Quick Stop, the soda...
HANK: I am, but right now I'm waiting.
MARTY: What are you waiting for?
HANK: For something to happen.
MARTY: But, the Quick Stop is across the street. How are you going to get the soda if you
You may have noticed that most of my posts here lately have consisted of silly picture compilations, absurd short fiction, and other amusing stuff. Not a whole lot of substance. Not much in the "Keeping It Real" Self-Revelation Department. Admittedly, this was by design – I'm not too good at sharing my thoughts or feelings sometimes. Make that most of the time. But since forcing myself to talk about my thoughts and feelings was one of the main reasons for my starting a blog in the first place, and since I'm long overdue in that area, here goes nothing. Please bear with me if I ramble; this sort of thing is very difficult for me.
So here you have it...."5 Things You May Not Know About Me":
1) I have struggled with self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth issues for most of my life. Even though my parents were always supportive of me and encouraged me as much as possible, I have never felt like I was good enough. Not that I was not good enough for them necessarily, but not good enough to share air with the rest of the world.
Self-esteem issues kept me from making a lot of close friends in school or church when I was growing up. I didn't think anyone would want to spend a significant amount of time around me, and I didn't blame them for feeling that way (whether or not it was true was irrelevant). I had two best friends from the time I entered junior high till I graduated high school.
One of my two best friends was – not unlike myself – very insecure, mostly unpopular, and somewhat socially ostracized. To this day, he and I are still close, though several hours of physical distance now separate us. We are kindred spirits – quite different in personality, but so alike in our insecurities. We are the brothers neither one of us ever had.
My other friend was über-intelligent, somewhat popular (and always seeking the attention of others to climb his way higher up the social ladder), and extremely self-confident. His superior likeability actually gained me a few peripheral friends in the coming years, but I never grew as close to any of them. This friend and I went to college together, and still spent a reasonable amount of time hanging out together whenever we weren't in class, or whenever he wasn't spending time with his girlfriend (who later became his fiancee and later his wife). I naturally assumed that we'd keep in touch after college, and – like my other best friend – we'd remain close for the foreseeable future, if not the remainder of our lives. But it didn't quite work out that way.
After college, he moved to a bigger city where he had a nice job in his field waiting for him upon his graduation. I stayed here, and worked a series of somewhat menial jobs in the ensuing years. I attempted to keep in touch with my friend for a while – I was even the best man in his wedding. He would occasionally stop by and see me at work whenever he was in town. But then we lost touch. Not gradually, but abruptly, and without a discernible reason.
With the advent of social media a few years later, I found my friend online and attempted to contact him and "friend" him, albeit virtually this time. Being a very tech-savvy guy, I was sure he'd seen my attempts to contact him, but for some reason he chose to ignore them. A few more half-hearted attempts to contact him in the next year or so all went unanswered, and I finally got the hint. That part of his life – and mine – was over.
It's been years now since I've seen or heard from him, and though I should understand that people and relationships change over time, I can't help but feel rejected in a way.
Finding the love of my life and getting married eight-and-a-half years ago did wonders for my self-esteem – I still don't know why she wanted me, and still wants me for her own – but it still didn't cure all that ails me. Sometimes I watch her sleeping beside me, and wonder – how did this happen? How did I get so lucky? Well, I should probably say blessed. My wife has her share of insecurities as well, mostly stemming from a less-than-stellar childhood. You might think that the two of us coming together might serve to "fix" what's broken in each of us, but it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it does, and those times are great. And at other times, we feel the self-doubt and anxiety and insecurity in duplicate, and that's not so great.
What's the cure for all of this? I wish I knew. "Succeeding," so to speak, in things like writing, acting, directing, and singing or playing music can be fulfilling and serve as a temporary high, but the lingering doubts are always in the background waiting to resurface. If I could only convince myself that what I already know to be true actually is – that it's not about me anyway, that my ultimate purpose in life is to reflect God's glory – then maybe I'd finally feel full. But it's an everyday process, growing, maturing, failing, and starting all over again.
2) I've given up on far more dreams than I've pursued. This one might not come as such a surprise, because I think it's fairly common for most people. I've mentioned this before, but when I was very young – eight in fact – I became fascinated by the Challenger space shuttle explosion – and, like many other boys and girls my age, I wanted to make good on the unfulfilled mission that those brave astronauts never got the chance to complete by becoming an astronaut myself. Like many boyhood (and girlhood) dreams, it quickly passed.
A year or so later, I decided that I was going to become a writer. And so I started writing. Well, that dream isn't one I've given up on, because it's been twenty-five years now, and I still haven't stopped writing. If anything, I've written more in the past five months than I have in the past five years.
A few years after deciding that I was going to become a world-famous writer (the world-famous part's not gonna happen, but still...), I decided that I was also going to become a world-famous movie director, a la Steven Spielberg. Believe it or not, I haven't completely given up on that dream either – well, I have on the "world-famous" part. But time is running out on doing anything about it seriously. It is true that advances in technology and social media have made independent filmmaking not only more affordable, but also more marketable these days. So you never know, but it hasn't happened just yet.
Around the time I started college, I started becoming interested in acting as a potential profession. After taking a few acting classes, and doing a couple of plays at my old church, I found that I had a bit of a knack for it. Enough at least that I seriously considered pursuing a career in show business. But I quickly found, after working alongside far-superior actors and actresses in college, that I would never get far with that dream. Even if I were truly talented as an actor – which I'm not – I'd have to have to have another, far more important trait which I did not then and still do not possess: good looks. Let's face it: Outside of the UK (watch any Masterpiece Theatre production and you'll see what I mean), unattractive actors and actresses simply do not get consistent work in show business. Even parts that call for ugly people are played by beautiful people under tons of makeup. Add to that the fact that I held (and still hold) strong convictions about what I would and would not say or do in plays or films, and it became clear that acting professionally was never going to happen for me.
When I first started playing backyard baseball at the age of thirteen, I found that I had a reasonable amount of talent and thought that maybe I could one day become a professional baseball player. I would stare at one of the many baseball cards I collected and imagine my face on it (although hopefully not a close-up) and then I'd turn it over and look at the statistics on the back, and dream that one day those numbers – or even better ones than those! – would describe my own success and that I'd enjoy a long career in professional baseball. When I actually joined the baseball team in high school a few years later and "rode the pine" all four years, it became clear that I'd never succeed at this level, or any other level in baseball either (or any sport, for that matter).
The other dream that I toyed with off and on for many years was becoming a radio disc jockey. One of the only things I've ever really liked about myself was the sound of my own voice. That feels awkward just typing those words, but it's true. I like the varying contrast between a higher pitch and a deeper register that my voice makes. I like the variety of accents and sounds that I'm able to put on, seemingly at will, and thought that these qualities would play well as a radio announcer and disc jockey. As a preteen, I would often hold a "radio show" (completely imaginary, of course) with my friends in after-school care. I even had call letters and everything. ("You're listening to W-H-A-T. What? Radio!") After college, I applied for a job at several local radio stations, but quickly found that they weren't interested in my particular abilities. For one thing, I had the wrong degree for it: a B.A. in English isn't quite as impressive as a degree in Communications or Broadcast Journalism. For another, who's gonna hire a kid fresh out of college to do a job that – in the case of most local radio stations – some middle-aged guy has been succeeding at for years and who is the undisputed "voice" of the station? Answer: Nobody. I never even got called back for an interview.
All in all, I'm happy with where I am currently. I'm employed full-time as a writer, albeit more on the technical/business side of writing than the creative. I have the time and ability to write creatively on my own, and an instant avenue (this blog) for sharing my writing with the entire blogosphere (or at least those few folks who read me regularly). And with the advent of e-books and readers, I have the opportunity to self-publish my writings to gain an even larger audience for my writing (hopefully).
3) While I enjoy writing, saying, and doing things that make people laugh, I am often doing so to avoid sharing or dealing with my thoughts, feelings, pain, fears, and insecurities. Again, I think many people do this, but I'm not talking about many people right now, I'm talking about me. If you see me posting one funny piece after another after another – like I have here lately – it's probably because I have something else on my mind that I don't want to talk about, or don't feel comfortable talking about. It's not always a bad thing that I prefer not to discuss.
Sometimes it's a very good thing, but the timing is wrong. Sometimes it's something that's not entirely appropriate or worthy enough to share with the masses. If it's something worth saying, it will eventually come out. Writing is self-expression for me, so revelation is ultimately inevitable.
Often, I will drop hints or clues in other pieces that I write, in particular in the lines of my "alpha poetry." There's a lot more meaning in those than you see at first glance, believe me. When I am ready to share, I usually do; but it often takes a great deal of time for readiness and circumstances to align perfectly.
4) I don't always "walk the walk" – and sometimes I don't even "talk the talk." Like many people, I often put on a facade of "I'm just fine" and pretend that I don't struggle with the things that plague others. It simply isn't true. In particular, I struggle every day with keeping my focus, and this manifests itself in a number of ways.
Sometimes it means that I don't put forth my best effort at work – I get lazy or distracted, and don't give it my all. When I do that, I'm cheating my employer, and ultimately cheating myself.
Sometimes losing my focus means losing my patience – suddenly and without good reason – which leads to me losing my cool – we're talking big-time bursts of rage – and that rage often results in me thinking or saying words and phrases I ought never to think or say. Most of the time, no one else even hears these angry rants. Well, no one else on earth at least.
Sometimes it manifests itself in my looking too long at a movie or TV show or website that I have no business looking at. Maybe I did stumble upon it by accident, but when I don't turn away, my looking becomes intentional.
I'm not proud of these things, and admitting them is difficult. But I'm telling you all this so that you won't get a distorted picture of who I am. I'm not perfect – nobody is. I'm not righteous – nobody is. I'm not a role model – only one Person truly ever was. And He was God in the flesh.
To paraphrase a popular song, when I lose my way, I get back up again. I bask in the forgiveness that He offers me, time and time again, even when I make the same mistakes. I confess my sin, and promise that I won't stumble again. Of course, I do stumble. Because I'm fallen. Everybody is. But some of us are redeemed. And grace is a very good thing.
5) I have almost been a father twice before. This is unquestionably the biggest "we don't talk about that" thing in my life. I have always wanted to be a father, and thought that I would be a good one, despite my plethora of problems. My wife Mary has also desired to be a mother, despite her fear that she (or we) would make mistakes that could ruin a child's life. (I would like to think that these fears are common, as are most "what if" questions that prospective parents face.)
We decided when we got married that we would wait a couple of years before we started trying to have kids. A little over two years later, we found ourselves unexpectedly expecting, but understandably concerned. You see, we found out that we were pregnant after Mary went to the doctor to figure out the cause of some sharp lower-abdominal pain she'd been having. In one fell swoop, we got the news: You're pregnant...but there's a problem.
Two visits to the OB/GYN over a ten-day period ultimately confirmed our worst fears. Ours was an ectopic pregnancy: the baby was implanted in the tube and not in the uterus. The baby would not survive. And without surgery, there could be serious health complications for Mary as well. We were devastated, brokenhearted, and back to square one. The irony was that we hadn't even started trying when this happened. It just happened. And then it didn't.
It took quite a while to heal, not only physically but emotionally, from our loss. About a year and a half later, we decided that it was time to try again. Even with an increased risk of another ectopic pregnancy, we prayed about it and felt at peace that the potential reward far outweighed any risks that might be involved. We tried, and we waited. For three years.
The second time we found out we were pregnant was, unfortunately, not so very unlike the first. Sharp abdominal pain – on the same side as before – woke Mary up one night. We thought, hoped, prayed it was just gas. I even went to the 24-hour Walgreens at two o'clock in the morning to buy Gas-X, willing to do whatever it took for her to feel some relief. In the back of both our minds, there was that lingering thought: What if it's not just gas? What if it's...? But no, it couldn't be. After all, the doctor said there was only a 15% chance of us having a second ectopic pregnancy. Which meant there was an 85% chance of us having a normal, successful pregnancy. So it had to be gas, right?
It wasn't. The results of the next day's ultrasound broke our hearts yet again. A second ectopic pregnancy...another doomed baby implanted in the same tube. This time surgery wasn't required. An injection of methotrexate resulted in a miscarriage, and once again we were childless.
A year and a half later – after we had continued trying unsuccessfully to conceive – Mary went back to our OB/GYN doctor, who ran a test to determine if there were any issues with her tubes. The doctor determined that, physiologically, there was no reason why we could not get pregnant again, and there was no reason to think that a future pregnancy would not be successful.
That last doctor's visit was just over a year ago. We continue to hope for a healthy pregnancy....
Apparently, attorneys and law firms aren't the only ones who make bad branding decisions. Check out this fresh batch of badly named businesses, compiled from various places on the Internet. A lot of these are restaurants, but a few other kinds of businesses also made the cut (but probably wish they hadn't). Enjoy!
It costs a little more, but it'll really keep you going for the long haul.
I hear this place is really catching on...
Trying to appeal to a younger market? Check. Odd name for an eating establishment? Double check. (For the slang-challenged folks out there, "fo shizzle" means "for sure".)
I don't even want to know...
I thought it was called "Shepherd's Pie," not "Equestrian's Pie."
Hope they've got plenty of stalls...
This is why cultural stereotypes will never go away. Folks keep playing right into them time and time again.
Hey, now! That's getting a little personal, don't ya think?
I'll only go if it's "lazy." (Confused? Look at my blog's web address.)
This is so unappealing in more ways than I can count...
What was that other word you wanted in the name of the restaurant? You can't remember, either? Ah well, I'll just put something up there.
I'll take a spicy tuna roll and two Californian rolls. Wait, those aren't in season, are they? Make that two Floridian rolls. And easy on the blood this time, 'kay?
Can't decide if this is clever or just stupid. I'm leaning toward the former...
Truth in advertising...
Well, if you have to ask...
OK, this one wasn't that interesting. Sorry!
I'm glad all businesses don't tell you what they want you to do, or I might develop a complex. Well, another complex.
He was known as the Great Physician, but I don't think this is what that meant...
What do you wanna bet that the owners of this business have been visiting Dr. Jesus' shop a few too many times?
It may BE truth in advertising, but in this case they might want to soften the blow just a WEE bit.
PMS and firearms??? Two words that should never, ever, ever go together!
That's all right. They probably sell stupid products, too.
Um...okay.
ROFL, LMBO! IDK what they were thinking! LOL!
Well, I never thought it was before, but now I do. I'm going somewhere else...
I don't know if they are or not, but I have a friend who'll eat anything as long as he has enough hot sauce to douse on it.
A unique and relatively new art form, these very-short stories called "drabbles" total exactly 100 words apiece, excluding the titles. Hope you'll enjoy reading them!
Shh...It's A Secret!
I wasn't supposed to say nothing about it. They told me it was a secret. But now I've done gone and blown it. It's not like it was my fault or nothing. They pressured me into it. They held a gun to my head. Not literally, I mean – but it was a nice, big, shiny figurative gun, and I could tell that thing was loaded. Just 'cuz some people know don't mean everyone has to. I'll not tell a soul. You just go ahead and holster that smoking figment of my imagination and I won't breathe a word. Scout’s honor.
You Might Want To Sit Down For This...
Hey, Joe? Remember that nutjob Noah we've been poking fun at all these years? You know – the one who says the earth’s gonna be destroyed by water coming out of the sky because God told him so? Yeah, that's the one. Well, listen, I hate to tell you this, but I was just outside, see? And these big ol' drops of water started pelting me on the head. That's right, from the sky. And the river seems to be rising a bit too. Think we should take old Noah up on his offer after all? Say what? The door's closed?!?!
May I Have Your Attention, Please?
"May I have your attention, please? If there is a ‘Bill Gates’ in the store, please come to the front. You left your windows open and your car has restarted itself for no apparent reason. (aside) What’d you say? What do you mean, ‘it was a joke’? If I wasn’t supposed to read that out loud, why did you put it in front of me? 'For kicks'? Well, thanks a lot! Now people will think I’m a complete idiot! What do you mean, ‘Keep talking and you’ll remove all doubt’? Oh, for crying out loud! Turn off the intercom already!"
20) Cutting Crew ~ "(I Just) Died In Your Arms" – As the singer cries out, "I just died in your arms tonight – it must've been something you said", I can only assume his love probably said something really nice to him. Which makes me wonder what would have happened if she'd something insulting? Would he have died at her feet instead? "I just died in your arms." How romantic! That was a real nice thing you said, Sweetie – what a shame our relationship must end here, with my dead, bloating carcass resting comfortably in your loving arms. You should've walked away, dude!
19) Aqua ~ "Barbie Girl" – Forgive me if the line "C'mon, Barbie, let's go party" sticks in your head long after you hear this. But remember – I didn't write the song. A really annoying person wrote the song, apparently. The "Barbie Girl" from the song title flounces about in clothes that would make Katy Perry proud, while her "Ken" just creeps out Barbie and everybody else royally. Seriously, what is up with that guy's voice? It sounds like he's been gargling with razor blades! And his hair – what little of it there is – who thought that was a good idea? But this is about the songs, right? And this song...well, it's just another pointless dance song.
18) Eric Carmen ~ "All By Myself" – This has got to be one of the sappiest, most self-deprecating songs ever! "Oh! Woe is me, my life is garbage, I can't even get a date," the singer moans – though not in those words exactly. Hey, dude, did you ever consider that maybe you're all by yourself 'cuz you're a wussy guy who sings like an insecure girl? And while you're at it – get a haircut, hippie! :)
17) Wild Cherry ~ "Play That Funky Music" – I don't even know where to begin with this one – it might not be a bad song if there were no singing, especially no singing of lyrics as bad as these. In fact, I'd probably play this song a lot if it were an instrumental. As it is, I don't and won't ever own this song, or ever listen to it again. On purpose.
16) Right Said Fred ~ "I'm Too Sexy" – After listening to this song once, it becomes glaringly obvious – if you believe the singer, that is – that he is too sexy for his shirt, his land, your party, his car, his hat, his cat, and his love . He concludes by staying that, ultimately, he's also too sexy for this song, at which point the song ends. He'd also like to remind you that he's a model – you know what he means? As a model, it's not uncommon for him to "do a little turn" and shake his little tush "on the catwalk." You're right, Fred, that is "too sexy." I'll take a rain check.
15) Rick Astley ~ "Never Gonna Give You Up" – Chances are, if you've spent any time at all on YouTube, you've unintentionally seen this video – in other words, you've been "Rick-Rolled". It's long been a popular ploy to make people click on a video that they think is about one thing – say, an exclusive video about a popular news story – and when you click on the video, this crappy music video is what you get. It's ridiculous, but every time it happens to you, you feel humiliated all over again. Every time that I'm "Rick-Rolled," this song blows me away yet again with its awfulness. Plus, every time I see Rick's 12-year-old-looking face and hear this deep, middle-aged-man voice coming out of it, it just messes with my head. Please – make it stop!
14) Snow ~ "Informer" – This song showcases a nerdy white man doing a fast-paced hybrid of reggae and rap about as well as any nerdy white man ever has – which is to say, not very well. What the heck is this guy saying anyway, besides "licky boom boom down" which means...what, exactly?
13) Michael Bolton ~ "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" – I'm sure this song holds special meaning for people who've lost their true loves, and don't know how they're supposed to live without them now that they've been loving them so long, and don't know how they're supposed to carry on when all that they've been living for is gone. And that's all well and good. I think it's mostly Michael Bolton, with his chiseled features, long curly hair, and imposing stature that I can't stand. Am I jealous of his looks? Maybe. Am I jealous of his whiny, screaming-cuz-I-can't-quite-hit-the-high-notes-but-still-need-to-sound-like-my-heart-is-breaking tenor voice? Definitely not.
12) New Kids On The Block "Hangin' Tough" – Nobody thought the New Kids On The Block were cooler than they did themselves. But thousands of others – especially screaming teenage girls – thought they were cool, too. But when you really think about it, most of their songs actually sucked. Take some of the lyrics from this song, for example: "Listen up, everybody, if you wanna take a chance / Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance / Don't worry 'bout nothing 'cause it won't take long / We're gonna put you in a trance with a funky song / 'Cause you gotta be hangin' tough..." Um, okay, if you say so. And their singing wasn't really much to write home about, either. So what exactly was so "tough" about these guys? Let me guess: it was their looks, right?
11) Billy Ray Cyrus ~ "Achy Breaky Heart"– Me not being a huge country music fan, you might wonder at the fact that this is the one and only country song on my list. Maybe it's just the generic sound of the song itself, the so-so voice of Billy Ray (others in country have been and are much better than he is), or maybe it's just his business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back mullet that I can't stand. Any way you shake it, this song received far more acclaim and popularity than it ever should have. Incidentally, Billy Ray's daughter, Miley, has been a recipient of the same kind of hype and popularity for her limited talent, too. I guess it runs in the family.
10) Starship ~ "We Built This City" – There are probably lots of people who like this song, an all-out-there anthem to rock-and-roll. But I'm not one of them. I like coherency in my lyrics, and this junk – "Marconi plays the Mamba / Listen to the radio / Don't you remember? / We built this city on rock and roll!" – just doesn't cut it. All in all, the song isn't horrible, it just isn't as good as Starship and their many fans think it is.
9) The Vapors ~ "Turning Japanese" – So, presumably, this guy's "turning Japanese" because he's suddenly gone hog-wild about taking pictures of his girl – which means that the whole song's based on a bad cultural stereotype. He also wants her doctor to take a picture of her insides so he can see those as well. That's kinda creepy – I'm pretty sure Japanese people don't do that unless there's a medical reason for it. This dude's just "turning into a skeeze!"
8) Hanson ~ "MMMBop" – I'm probably going to get smacked – literally or figuratively – by somebody for including this song in my list, but I can't help disliking it. Even though it's not played as much as it used to be, time hasn't made the song any better. The young lead singer's voice is still high-pitched, quite slurred, and frequently strained. The lyrics – including its infamous chorus: "MMMBop, ba dubi dop ba do bop, Ba dubi dop ba do bop, Ba dubi dop ba do" – still don't make any sense. It's been a long time since this song was a hit, but you still hear it on the radio occasionally. In ten or twenty years' time, though, "can you tell me who will still care?"
7) Crash Test Dummies ~ "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" – This guy's voice is ridiculously bad –itsoundslikearecordbeingplayedonthewrongspeed–butthe songlyricsareevenworse. Don'tbelieveme? Checkout the first verse: "Once there was kid who / Got into an accident and couldn't come to school / But when he finally came back / His hair had turned from black into bright white / He said that it was from when the cars had smashed it so hard / Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm / Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm..." And it just gets worse from there. Incidentally, "Weird" Al Yankovic's spoof of this song, called "Headline News", is way better, and succeeds at being funny on purpose, not just funny because it's so awful.
6) Countess Luann ~ "Money Can't Buy You Class" – This "song" is one of many reasons why "reality TV stars" should never be allowed to see – much less use – a recording studio. While it may or may not be true that money can't buy you class – although the slutty-looking lingerie the Countess is wearing here seems to belie the fact that she considers herself classy – the one thing money most definitely can't buy you is a good singing voice. It can buy you plenty of plastic surgery so you don't look like you're in your late-40s (when you actually are). Money can even buy you singing lessons with the best vocal coaches in the world – but if you ain't got it, you simply ain't got it! And Countess Luann, you ain't got it. And you'll never have it, no matter how much money you throw down for it.
5) Baha Men ~ "Who Let The Dogs Out?" – This is absolutely the most pointless song ever recorded. The only two things it's got going for it are as follows: (a) These guys imitate a dog's woofing sound remarkably well when they say "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" in time to the beat. (b) The song does have a good beat, and you can dance to it – which is really the point anyway, isn't it?
4) Kim Zolciak ~ "Don't Be Tardy For The Party" – This monstrosity is yet another example of a "reality TV star" thinking she can sing, and being horribly wrong. The fact that the hook for this insipid song gets stuck in my head for minutes after it's over makes me hate it even more. Don't quit your day job, Kim! (Whatever that is.) Reality TV will probably never die – Lord help us all! – but awful songs like this one (thankfully) have a very short shelf life.
3) Vanilla Ice ~ "Ice Ice Baby" – Four words: Worst. White. Rapper. Ever. Admittedly, that isn't saying much. But let's take a closer look at the lyrics to this surprisingly popular song (at the time, at least): "All right, stop, collaborate, and listen / Ice is back with my brand new invention / Something grabs a hold of me tightly / Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly / Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know / Turn off the lights, and I'll glow / To the extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal / Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle." First of all, he used the word "collaborate" incorrectly – I'm not quite sure what word he meant to use, but "collaborate" wasn't it. Second, he's "back"? Where was he before? Why didn't he stay there, wherever that was? Thirdly, "my brand new invention" – what was that again, white boy rap? OK, so maybe he did invent it. But it's only gotten exponentially better since then. Fourthly, does a harpoon actually "flow"? Fifthly, does a vandal really "rock a mic"? Sixthly, I don't know exactly what's involved in waxing a chump like a candle, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there when it happens. That's all I got – "Word to your mother!"
2) Paul Anka ~ "You're Having My Baby" – So, nine months of morning (and sometimes night) sickness, swollen feet, strange cravings, and finally an excruciating delivery – that was all for me? To show me how much you love me? Thanks, babe. I owe ya one! After all, "you're the woman I love and I love what it's doin' to ya, and I love what's goin' through ya." Who was the guy – and it had to be a guy – that let this misogynistic mess hit the airwaves in the first place? Whoever he is, he's probably living a very lonely life right now.
1) Rebecca Black ~ "Friday" – This is the absolute best example that I can come up with as to what's wrong with popular music today. Anybody and their brother (or sister) can turn on their AutoTune machine, sing as badly as humanly possible, and still sound somewhat polished. Only thing is...young Rebecca Black still manages to sound flat, nasally, and out of tune, even with AutoTune on her voice the entire time! Add to that the stupidest lyrics ever set to "music," and you've got my all-time least favorite song AND the worst song I've ever heard, all in one three-minute track. These lyrics are so bad, I just had to post them in their entirety (below the video) – except for all the oo-ooh-ooh" and "yeah-ah-ah" parts (you'll hear those in the video, and that's bad enough).
