The Old Trash Can: A Dialogue

I recently got rid of an old plastic trash can that my wife and I received as a wedding gift, and I feel sort of guilty about it. Not a whole lot, but a little bit.

Now I know what you're thinking: A trash can as a wedding gift? But before you rush to judgment, you need to know a few more facts.

The trash can came from a close friend of mine, who was also a member of my wedding party. He lived out of state at the time, and coming here and being a part of the wedding was almost gift enough in itself. I hadn't seen him in a while, and it was nice to get to hang out with my buddy a little bit before the wedding, even if our "hanging out" consisted mostly of last-minute runs for decorations – real pumpkins and other such fall stuff.

Couple that with the fact that my friend didn't have a whole lot of disposable income, and his not only making the trip but giving me anything at all (not to mention the tux rental fee he had to pay) must have been quite a struggle for him at the time.

Also, it's important to realize that the trash can was not empty – it was packed full of household cleaning supplies. Very practical things that we would – and did – use.

The trash can itself has served us faithfully (as much as an inanimate, non-living object can "serve") for eight-and-a-half years. But its lid was broken, there were cracks in the sides and bottom, and we really wanted a more updated model with a lid that flips up when you step on the lever. So out with the old, in with the new.

Now I'm not truly naive enough to believe that my friend would actually be offended if he knew (and he will now after this post) that I had gotten rid of the old trash can. But the thought of him (or anyone, really) overreacting to a seemingly innocuous revelation such as this just struck me as funny. Here's how I imagined a (fictional) phone conversation like this might go:



J:  So, what have you been up to lately?

D:  Not a whole lot. You know, just working mostly.

J:  I hear ya. About the most exciting thing that's happened around here lately is that we got a new trash can.

D:  You got a what?

J:  Um...

D:  Did you say you got a new trash can?

J:  Yeah. Uh, yeah we sure did. One of those fancy kinds with the lid that flips up when you step on the foot pedal thingie.

D:  What was wrong with the old trash can?

J:  Well, you know, nothing really. I mean, it was a good trash can –

D:  I know it was a good trash can. I gave you that trash can. For your wedding – remember?

J:  Yeah, yeah, I remember. And it really was a good trash can, but –

D:  But what? It wasn't good enough for you? You couldn't stoop so low as to use the crappy old can I gave you?

J:  No, it's not like that. It was just that it was cracking down the side, and one place in the bottom, and, you know, it was time for a new one.

D:  Do they sell duct tape where you live?

J:  Yeah, why do you ask?

D:  Duh! You tape up the cracks, and it's as good as new. The thing will last forever!

J:  Yeah, but duct tape – well, it looks kind of, you know, tacky!

D:  Oh, I see how it is now. You think you're better than me, don't you?

J:  No, I was just –

D:  You're Mr. High Class, and I'm Mr. Tacky, is that it?

J:  Um, no. What are you talking about?

D:  Pay attention! I'm talking about the same thing you're talking about – the trash can I gave you for your wedding. That I paid for with my own money, I might add – of which I had very little at the time.

J:  I know, I know. And I really appreciated it. I truly did. We got plenty of good use out of it, too. Eight-and-a-half years' worth, in fact.

D:  And then you just threw it out like – like garbage!

J:  Funny.

D:  I wasn't making a joke.

J:  Okay.

D:  How could you throw away a perfectly good trash can like that? Especially one that was given to you as a gift?

J:  That's what I'm saying – it wasn't perfectly good anymore. It had cracks up the side –

D:  Uh-huh, I get it. If it's not perfect, it's not good enough for you. You think you're all high and mighty, don't you?

J:  No, I just wanted a new trash can. Simple as that.

D:  Simple as that, you say? I bet you threw away all those cleaning supplies I packed in there, too, huh? I bet as soon as you opened that trash can, you just took all that stuff out and threw it away, didn't you?

J:  No! I mean, I did take it all out –

D: Mm-hmm, just like I thought.

J:  Let me finish. I took it all out so I could put a trash bag in it. So I could actually use the trash can, you know?

D:  And what did you do with the cleaning supplies?

J:  We used them. What were we supposed to do, put 'em behind glass like a shrine, and bow down to them three times a day?

D:  Don't be a wiseacre!

J:  Okay, I don't even know what that is, but I'll try not to be one.

D:  So you're telling me that you used all the cleaning supplies I had packed inside the trash can?

J:  Well, yeah. I mean, most of them.

D:  What do you mean "most of them"?

J:  Uh...well, we threw out the Comet Cleanser.

D:  What was wrong with the Comet Cleanser?

J:  Well, we tend to like the liquid cleansers better. So...

D:  So you threw away a perfectly good tin of Comet? That thing cost me 99 cents, you know!

J:  I'm sorry. Do you want me to pay you 99 cents?

D:  It's not about the money!

J:  Then what is it about? 'Cuz I'm confused –

D:  Are you stupid or something? It's about the trash can!

J:  Right, which you gave me, and which I threw away, which makes me a horrible person.

D:  Did I say that?

J:  I have no idea at this point! Listen, what do you want me to do? The trash can's gone. It was a great trash can – probably the best trash can the world has ever known. A veritable god among trash cans! But it was old, it was cracked, and it was time for a new one. End of story.

D:  End of story, huh?

J:  Sheesh, you're making such a big deal out of this! Maybe I should be asking you what you did with the pots-and-pans set I gave you for your wedding.

D:  No, you shouldn't.

J:  Oh, really? And why not?

D:  Just change the subject.

J:  No, I don't think so. You're not getting off that easy. What did you do with the pots-and-pans set?

D:  I don't want to talk about it.

J:  Tough, you're gonna hafta talk about it!

D:  Traded it.

J:  You what?

D:  I traded it. To my friend. You remember Matt from the wedding?

J:  I don't care about Matt-from-the-wedding. What did you trade it for?

D:  Call Of Duty.

J:  For what?

D:  The new Call Of Duty game, all right? Are you happy now?

J:  How could you? How could you trade away a pots-and-pans set, that I bought with my hard-earned money, for a video game?

D:  I know.

J:  How heartless can you get? I mean, really!

D:  I know.

J:  I just don't think I'll ever get over this injustice!

D:  Now you're mocking me.

J:  Yes, I am. How's that feel?

D:  Not great.

J:  Good. Now can we talk about something other than trash cans and pots and pans?

D:  Sure.

J:  Finally! Now we can move on to the important stuff!

D:  Exactly.

J:  Who's gonna win the AL MVP this year, Prince or Albert?

D:  Gotta go with the fat guy. Fielder all the way.

J:  I've always been a Pujols fan, so I'm gonna go with him.

D:  You're crazy! Prince will kill AL pitching!

J:  And Albert won't? You're the one who's crazy...

No Blue Monday

It's the first day after the last night of the Easter drama, commonly referred to (by myself and others) as Blue Monday. But for some reason, I'm not feeling very blue.

Sure, I'll miss it – especially the good times and laughs we've all shared these past few months. But I know that most of us will probably work together (and laugh together) again very soon, maybe as early as this fall. So I'm not sad.

I am relieved that everything went well. Not that I was ever that worried – the individuals involved in this year's drama were consummate professionals in whom I had and still have full confidence.

The drama and music presentations combined to clearly portray the message of the Gospel, and I do believe hearts were touched, seeds were planted, and lives were (and will continue to be) changed as a result of it.

That's not because we have an awesome drama team (though we do) or a fantastic choir (though we do). It's not that I'm an amazing drama director ('cuz I'm not) or that we have a terrific music director (though we do).

Everything went as well as it did for one simple reason – God was working His perfect will through imperfect people. And we got out of the way and let Him. Because He's God, and we're not.

So the Easter drama may be over till next year, but the memories will linger much longer.

I'm not sad. Let's just say I'm looking forward. Always looking forward.






POSTSCRIPT:
To Tim, Meredith, Jamie, Cindy, Erick, Bryce, Kim, Mitch, and Nate: Thanks for everything! I enjoyed every minute of it! ~ J

Poems For Your Perusal: Even More Alpha Poetry

All the money in the world
Will buy you
Everything you want
But don't need
And not an ounce
Of happiness.

Borrowed time
Can never be returned.
It can only be passed on
To someone else in need.
Don't forget that
The next time you're late.

Charmed, I'm sure
To be enchanted.
Dazzle me with
Your eyes
Your smile
Your understanding.
I will lose myself
In the magic.

Dirt-smeared face, bearing scars
What has he endured?
Hard work, or a hard life?
Either way, he has lived
Which is more than can be said
About some people.

Edified by what you said
I held my head up high
And walked away
A gladder man
Than if I never tried.

Friendly exchange
Between strangers.
If you knew
What was said
You'd be surprised
They left as enemies.

Guy down the street
Tells me I should
Stay inside
Lock my doors
And disconnect
From my life.
The end of the world
(As he knows it)
Is near, and he
Doesn't want to be alone
In his paranoia.

Hold it right there!
That's the face we're looking for
Sad, a little hopeless
More than a little vulnerable.
We're hoping to change
Our image.

Is that right?
It sounds like conjecture.
Fitting the pieces together
I'm not certain
That the question
Is answerable at all.
Personally
I don't have a clue.

Just what I needed
But ten minutes
Too late.
That's the way
The cookie crumbles.

Keep the dollars
And give me the change.
I'm in no hurry
Time's worth more
Than money.

Low on the totem pole
Working my way
To the top
But stalled by the fact
That I refuse
To compromise
My integrity.

Made out of money
Growing it on trees
Loaded with the green stuff
Sorry, not interested.

No one believes you.
They know that
Every word that comes
Out of your mouth
Is a blatant lie.
You can smile
All you want to
But you're not fooling
Anyone.
Get over yourself.

Overwhelmed
By constant to-do's
Done in
By one too many
Undone deeds.
How will I ever
Catch up?

Polish off the rest
In one sitting
You know you want it
Insatiable hunger
For more, more, more
You've always had it.
You try and try
But you'll never be full.

Quickly learning
That things aren't always
What they seem. Neither
Are people, and some
Are better than others
At fooling you.

Repeat the process
You've done it all before.
You could do it
With your eyes closed
And one hand tied
Behind your back
If you really had to.
Doubt yourself if you must
But I have every confidence
In your ability.

Summarizing the past
Is easier said than done.
It happened, you were there
You can't change a thing.
You can change what happens
Next, but what happened then
Is over. So just move on.

Tomorrow I'll reflect back
On what happened today
And I'll smile, and maybe
Just maybe shed a tear.
Sad because it's over
But glad because it happened.
For one moment we shined
But we were just reflections.

Under better circumstances
We met, and laughed
And lived, and learned.
But now we know
That only when dreaming
Do things like this ever last.

Violently ill
Bleeding from the inside
The bruises are evident
And yet we pretend
That we're just fine.

Watch what you say
You never know
When your words
Will appear like
Speech balloons
In a comic strip
And everyone will see
What you really mean.

X is tense
He knows
He's being watched.
It's not the first time
But this time
He knows
He has something to hide.

Yes, you're right
I did enjoy myself.
I've never felt
So free before.
I guess that's why
They call it
Letting go.

Zealous fervor
He believes what he says
And says what he believes
He lives by his convictions
And may also die for them.

Per Your Suggestion #4: "Why Asleep Is Better Than Awake"

Okay, I'm still tired from last night's first Easter drama performance (which went well) and my level of  creativity is at a minimum, so I'm going to keep this short. Today's post was suggested by my cousin, Rhesa Kelly. She gave me the writing prompt "why sleep is better than awake." I couldn't think of a story to accompany this theme, so I'm making this one a list post. Hope you enjoy it...


1)  When you're sleeping, you can't worry about the problems of life.  Of course, they're still there when you wake up, but for a few hours at least, they disappear entirely. Unless you're one of those people, like me, who occasionally dreams about their problems, in which case this point is completely negated.

2)  When you have a nightmare, you can wake up, and it's over.  Whereas when you're awake and something horrible happens, you can't just pinch yourself and make it disappear. Many people, myself included, try this, but it never works. When life is tough, it just is. You can't just change the channel. True, things can get better depending on your response to circumstances. But bad stuff still happens -- that's just the way it is.

3)  Some dreams are awesome, while others are really strange -- but very few are boring.  Case in point: Last night I dreamed that my wife and I were vacationing in Jamaica, staying in a swanky apartment. We were considering moving there, if everything went well on our visit. As it turns out, the apartment was as nice as advertised, but had been broken into shortly before we arrived, so we knew security in the area wasn't that great. We decided to take a walk around the surrounding area, when we were suddenly pursued by a very bad man in a very fast boat. I was conked over the head and knocked out, while my wife hid under a bed nearby. When I came to, I realized that a friend of ours -- who had unexpectedly shown up while we were being pursued -- had been kidnapped by the very bad man in the very fast boat. We made our way back to the restaurant near our swanky apartment. There we met my boss, who warned me that if I didn't return to my job in the States within the next day that I would be promptly fired. Then I woke up. Not altogether pleasant, but definitely interesting.

4)  After a good night's sleep, you feel much better.  After a long day of being awake, especially if you've spent that day doing something particularly stressful or highly physical, you tend to feel much worse.

5)  If you're an insomniac, when you finally fall asleep, it's a wonderful relief.  If you're not a morning person, when you are forced to wake up, it's a pain in the butt! I am both an insomniac and a not-a-morning-person, and the time spent after trying to get sleepy and before trying to wake up is the best part. The "trying" parts, not so great.


Okay, that's all I've got. Feel free to comment with your own reasons for why asleep is superior to awake. Or if you disagree, feel free to share your reasons why you think so as well.

Things I Find Fascinating: Ridiculously Short Words And Their Meanings

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Such is also the case with blog posts. Well, in this case, at least. Several days ago, I posted a list of Ridiculously Long Words And Their Meanings, so I felt it only appropriate today to post a collection of extremely short words and their meanings. Enjoy!


1)  Ai:  This is a three-toed sloth which inhabits the forests of southern Venezuela, the Guianas, and northern Brazil. If you disturb the ai while it's eating the trumpet-tree leaves (its favorite food), the ai may very well sound a high-pitched cry in your general direction. Sloths are funny-looking creatures to me, but my wife thinks they're adorable. If she had her way – and/or if it were legal – we would have two or three pet sloths (doing whatever it is sloths do) hanging out at our house right now.

2)  Go:  It's not what you think. Yes, "go" means to move or to leave, but it also has another meaning. Go is also the name for an ancient board game – possibly the oldest board game still in existence, in fact. Known as weiqi in Chinese, igo in Japanese, or baduk in Korean, the game of go originated in China more than 2,000 years ago. The game is apparently rich in strategy, despite having relatively simple rules. According to its Wikipedia article, the game is played by two players who alternately place black and white stones on the vacant intersections (called "points") of a grid of 19 x 19 lines. The object of the game is to use one's stones to surround a larger portion of the board than the opponent. Once on the board, stones can only be moved if they are captured. When a game concludes, the controlled points are counted along with captured stones to determine who has more points. Games may also be lost by resignation.

3)  Id:  The id is one of the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche (along with ego and super-ego). The id part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, is said to be the source of instinctive impulses that seek satisfaction in accordance with the pleasure principle and are modified by the ego and the super-ego before they are given overt expression. I used to want to be a psychologist – partially because I really enjoyed watching The Bob Newhart Show – but after reading and trying to comprehend explanations like the one above for "id", I decided after only one psychology college course that the field simply wasn't for me. I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I'd make a good subject for a psychologist, but definitely not a good psychologist. Anyway, that's what the "id" is; hopefully you understand it better than I do.

4)  Ho:  It's not what you think, either. Well, it is, but that's not the meaning I'm referring to here. In addition to its derogatory definition as well as its being Santa's most famous saying (always spoken in triplicate), "ho" is a word also used as a call to attract attention, often tagged on after a word denoting a destination. Thus, the phrase "Westward Ho!" essentially means, "Hey, everybody, let's go West!" The saying "Land Ho!" then means, "Look over there, dry land! Perhaps we won't die on the high seas after all!"

5)  Li:  The li is a traditional Chinese unit of distance, the length of which has varied considerably over time, but now has a standardized length of 500 meters or half a kilometer (approximately 1,640 feet). A modern li consists of 1,500 Chinese "feet" or chi and, in the past, was often translated as a mile. The Chinese used to denote the word (里) combines the characters for "field" (田) and "earth (土), since a li was considered to be about the length of a single village. Pictured below is a section of the Anping Bridge in Fujian commonly known as the "Five Li Bridge" due to its length.

6)  Oy (also spelled Oi):  This Yiddish word – most often accompanied by the word "vey" – is typically used as an exclamation of dismay or exasperation. The literal meaning of the phrase "oy vey!" is "oh pain!" Uses of the phrase in popular culture include: a sign on the Williamsburg Bridge in New York City which proclaims: "Leaving Brooklyn! Oy vey!" (due to the borough's large Jewish population); the chorus of Weird Al Yankovic's song "Pretty Fly For A Rabbi" (which goes something like this – "How ya doin' Bernie? Oy vey, oy vey, And all the goyim say, I'm pretty fly for a rabbi!"); and a series of James Bond parody novels by Sol Weinstein, featuring the spy character named "Oy-Oy-Seven".

7)  Xu:  A xu is a coin formerly minted in South Vietnam which is roughly equivalent to a cent. The xu has not been widely used since 1978, when the dong was established as the primary unit of currency used throughout the country. A dong is worth approximately 100 xu, so the dong is basically their dollar. A two-xu coin is pictured below. Personally, I think all coins should have a hole in the middle for easier transport – I hate having jingly pockets. I'd rather have a jingly necklace. Talk about blinged out!

8)  Pa:  Though you don't hear it as much these days, the word "pa" has historically been a quite commonly used affectation for one's dad or father. Famous Pa's throughout history include Pa Ingalls of Little House On The Prairie fame and Pa Kettle from the Ma And Pa Kettle comedy films of the 1940s and '50s.

9)  Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti (or Si), and Do again:  These seven notes, along with the repeated Do, make up the diatonic scale, a musical term for an octave-repeating musical scale comprising five whole steps and two half steps for each octave, in which the two half steps are separated from each other by either two or three whole steps. Did you get all that? Good! This technique of having a word associated with each note (not the actual names of the notes) is called solfége, and was put to popular use in a song called "Do-Re-Mi" from Rodgers and Hammerstein's famous musical The Sound Of Music, which goes a little something like this...

10)  Za:  Though I have never personally heard anyone say this, "za" is apparently commonly recognized as a shortened version of the word "pizza" – so much so that it actually appears in respected online dictionaries. Go figure! "Pizza" is not that long of a word, so why anyone would need to shorten it even further is beyond me. Laziness, I suppose? Regardless, if you ever hear anyone say, "Let's get some za!" or perhaps "Does that za place on 10th deliver here?", now you'll know that they're talking about pizza, and not some ancient Egyptian god (that's what it sounds like) or Russian monarch (which is also what it sounds like).

Oh great, now I'm hungry for pizza! Oh, well...

Per Your Suggestion #3: "Ostracized Ostriches"

Today's story/post is based on another great suggestion by my friend, Bryce Kime. The writing prompt Bryce offered in this case was the deceptively simple phrase: "ostracized ostriches." I took that catchy couplet and just rolled with it! The resulting story is slightly absurd yet surprisingly literary. Hope you enjoy!

"OSTRACIZED OSTRICHES"

We are the forgotten ones – the ones you never think of when you're scratching out your invitations to the wedding, the birthday party, or the bar-mitzvah. We are the neglected, the rejected, the unwanted – and you think it doesn't matter to us. You think we don't mind your exclusions, assuming that we'd rather be doing something else anyway – like playing checkers, getting our teeth cleaned, or flying. That's the heart of it, isn't it? You resent the fact that we can take flight whenever we like, while you are eternally ground-bound. We are the weirdoes, the mutants – because we have wings that not only propel us forward but upward. We take off and soar to foreign lands to sample the cuisine, take candid snapshots, and return when the weather is warmer. You are stuck here – running, running, running, always running, but getting nowhere. We are the losers, the squares, the avian pariahs – just because we don't look or act like you, is that any reason to hate us? We can't help the way we were born. So we fly, and you don't – that makes us different, true, but it also makes us interesting. We're not asking you to love us, simply to take interest in us, to acknowledge for one moment that we exist. Instead you screech carelessly that we're nothing more than folklore or some cleverly devised urban legend which you can easily dismiss. But we do exist – you could see us right in front of you, if you only had the courage to look. We are the black sheep, the chopped liver, the pond scum of your world – but why? We are ostriches – just like you, but not like you – and you ostracize us with your squawks and with your actions. In the end, who wins?

Birthday Music

I already know it's going to be a busy day, between working all day and the final Easter drama rehearsal taking up most of the night, so I'm going to make it easy on myself with today's blog post.

I received (as requested) Amazon.com gift cards for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I just got around to spending them today. Ten new albums for my listening enjoyment!

Below are links to individual songs from each album I purchased.  I grouped them together by style. The first two are Christian rock (pretty heavy!); the next two are Christian rap; the next two are Christian pop; and the last four are mainstream/"secular" pop. Obviously, I like a wide variety of musical styles.

Anyway, I'm enjoying listening to these. Click on the videos below and listen too if you'd like. Or don't – it doesn't really matter. Till tomorrow...


1)  Sent By Ravens – Mean What You Say

2)  Fireflight – Now

3)  116 – Man Up

4)  Flame – The 6th

5)  Britt Nicole – Gold

6)  Kari Jobe – Where I Find You

7)  Adele – 21

8)  Amy Winehouse – Lioness: Hidden Treasures

9)  Lucy Schwartz – Keep Me EP

10)  Lights – Siberia