Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dear Stupid, Wonderful Cat...


Dear Stupid, Wonderful Cat,

I love you dearly, but if tonight is anything like last night, I may be forced to strangle you with my bare hands.

You're fourteen years old. You've been around long enough to know that waking us up at 2:30 in the morning with repeated meowing may be effective at getting our attention, but is not the best way to endear yourself to your parents.

If you didn't get the hint the first five times I yelled at you -- "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, FREDERICK EYNSFORD HILL-CAT, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!" -- I really, really, REALLY wanted you to stop talking. But did you? No, you didn't.

How many times have we told you this before? There are only three valid reasons for waking us up in the middle of the night:


1)  There is an intruder in the house who is stealing all our stuff, and possibly intends to harm us.


2)  The house is on fire, and we are in imminent danger of asphyxiation from smoke inhalation.


3)  The Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol is at the door, waiting to award us with a ginormous check, which will allow us to retire early and travel the world.

Any other reason for waking us up at that ungodly hour is unacceptable, and will be responded to with unmitigated fury at worst, or severe annoyance at best.

Being lonely is not a valid excuse. Wanting to be petted is not a valid excuse. Being bored and seeking adventure in other parts of the house which we are occupying -- also not a valid excuse.

Do not be confused by the ultimate result of your plaintive pleas. You will not always be lucky enough to convince your mama to let you in so that you will shut the heck up. This was a one-time-only occurrence, not a new precedent we have set.

You have good hearing, I know you do. If you come to our door and hear snoring -- and you will, as both of your parents have recurring sinus problems -- this is not an acceptable time to announce your intentions to visit us.

I love you dearly, and in general, enjoy your company quite a lot. You are adorably cute, your meow -- known by most of your family members as a merp -- is really first-rate, and I miss you when you're not around. But not in the middle of the night. Never then.

Remember this, as in so doing, you may save your own life.

I love you dearly, but this has got to stop. Immediately. Or else.

Love,
Your Dad

Monday, January 30, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Chopped Liver And Other Food Clichés

Most of us, whether we're aware of it or not, use a plethora of oddball clichés on an everyday basis. But do we really know what they mean? Of course, we know what we mean by them, but do we really know where these phrases and sayings come from? Probably not, in most cases. Do we really care? Probably not, in most cases. But I care. At least enough to write a blog post about it. Today's focus is on food-related clichés. Some are widely in use, and some you don't hear quite as often as you used to in the past. But here they are nonetheless:


1)  A Dollar To A Donut – Have you ever heard or perhaps uttered the phrase "I'll bet you a dollar to a donut that..." What the heck does that mean? Well, according to Wikipedia.org, "Dollars to Donuts is a faux bet in which one person agrees to put up the same amount of dollars to another person's donuts in a bet (where a donut is considered to be worth much less than a dollar). Betting someone dollars to donuts is a rhetorical device that indicates that the person is confident in the outcome of an event; [however], it does not usually involve an actual bet with actual payoffs (either in dollars or in donuts)."

Well, that explains it much better than I ever could. But why donuts? Not really sure. Previous versions of the cliché include "dollars to buttons" and "dollars to dumplings." Apparently, someone tried to change it to "dollars to cobwebs" at some point, but that didn't really catch on too well. These days, a donut is probably worth a dollar or more, depending on where you buy it. Shoot, these days even a dollar isn't worth a dollar anymore. Maybe the phrase should be changed to "I'll bet you a dollar to a dollar..."


2)   Happy As A Clam – This one is a tad confusing. How can a clam be happy? It's a clam. It doesn't really have feelings, and if it did, why would be it happy? Its primary purpose in life is to be killed and eaten by humans and other carnivorous creatures. Now, when I'm eating fried clam strips at a seafood restaurant, I'm usually feeling pretty happy (unless they're overcooked and taste rubbery). But I'm fairly certain that the clam isn't too happy about being eaten. So where does this come from?

Well, apparently the phrase is a truncated version of the saying "happy as a clam at high tide". The thought behind this is that at high tide the clam is not only buried beneath the sand, but is also beneath the water. Therefore, it's harder for the clam to be dug up and eaten at high tide, and thus the clam is perceived to be "happy". Makes perfect sense when you think about it. Just don't think about it too hard. Because clams don't have feelings. They may be disappointed when they are dug up and may halfheartedly try to escape (rarely successfully), but that's instinct, not feelings.


3)  Are You Chicken? – This phrase is often used tauntingly to question the degree of another person's fear or apprehension. The origin of the word "chicken" to mean "afraid" is unclear. Some think it reflects the skittish nature of chickens in general. If you run toward a chicken, it will likely be unsure what to do, perceive you as a threat, and run quickly in the opposite direction. Whether this is actual fear or merely survival instinct is irrelevant – the chicken appears to be afraid of you and acts accordingly.

Another theory concerning the origin of the synonymy of chickens and cowardice is the story of "Chicken Little" from the popular children's book series. Chicken Little ran around proclaiming that "the sky is falling! the sky is falling!" because of one seemingly insignificant event involving a falling acorn.

Whichever origin is correct, if the question "Are you chicken?" is ever posed to you, the answer you would hopefully give in reply is "no". Unless you really are chicken. To which, if I may respectfully add, "Bock! Bock! Bock!"

There are lots of other great chicken clichés I could have used here, including "running around like a chicken with its head cut off" (which as we've seen before can be quite interesting and lucrative if handled improperly), "don't count your chickens before they're hatched", and "waking up with the chickens". But I had to pick just one, so there you go.


4)  Take (It) With A Grain Of Salt – This oft-used phrase means to cautiously accept what someone is telling you, while maintaining a degree of skepticism about its truth. The origin for this phrase, which goes quite a ways back, is best described by the historian Pliny, in his Naturalis Historia (ca. 77 A.D.):

"After the defeat of that mighty monarch, Mithridates, Gnaeus Pompeius found in his private cabinet a recipe for an antidote in his own handwriting; it was to the following effect: 'Take two dried walnuts, two figs, and twenty leaves of rue; pound them all together, with the addition of a grain of salt; if a person takes this mixture fasting, he will be proof against all poisons for that day.'"

The suggestion here is that potentially harmful effects can be tempered by the taking of a grain of salt. It doesn't discount the fact that what's being taken – or in the case of suspect advice, what's being told to you – could still harm you, but that the taking of the grain of salt, whether literally or figuratively, will make the inevitable outcome more bearable. In the case of the potentially untruthful, unhelpful, or unsafe advice, "taking it with a grain of salt" lessens the chances of its harming you by your less-than-complete acceptance of it. If that makes any sense at all. Hopefully, it does. And now, to me at least, so does the phrase. 


5)  Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries – This curious phrase is often used to denote that things are going smoothly, life is great, and all is right with the world. But why cherries? Well, apparently, the phrase "the berries", which would conceivably include cherries, meant either something that was great, or referred to one's wealth. If you had "the berries" or perhaps if your life was "the berries," you had it made in the shade with a spade and some jade. You were "the tops", so to speak. The actual phrase "Life is just a bowl of cherries" came from a song of the same title, the chorus of which went like this: "Life is just a bowl of cherries / Don't take it serious / Life's too mysterious / You work, you save, you worry so / But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go..."  All in all, very wise words for living.

But what if you, like me, don't particularly care for cherries? If "life is just a bowl of cherries" for me, then life is useless, and undesirable, and likely to be wasted. So I guess for folks like me, the phrase can be altered to include a bowl of whatever would signify the good life to me, or to you, specifically. I think I'll go with: "Life is just a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream." 


6)  Bringing Home The Bacon – This humorous phrase (I can't say it with a straight face) means, as you probably already know, to earn money, in particularly for one's family. It generally implies that the amount of money one is earning is not only sufficient to meet one's needs, but is more than enough for one to consider themselves wealthy. But why bacon?

The most common theory as to where the phrase originated is from the story of the Dunmow Flitch (um...Gesundheit?). Reading about it and even regurgitating the story behind it word-for-word is not only confusing, but rather boring. Basically, back in 1104 in Essex, England, this married couple somehow so impressed the Prior of Little Dunmow with their marital devotion (I don't think I really want to know how they went about doing that), that the Prior decided to award them a flitch (or side) of bacon as a result. Now, every four years the people in Great Dunmow, in Essex, do some kind of ritual demonstrating their marital devotion (again, TMI, don't wanna know), and are rewarded with bacon.

While I may never "bring home the bacon" sufficiently to be called wealthy, I would like to make it publicly known here and now and for all time that I love my wife dearly, devotedly, and delightfully, and anyone who wants to give me some bacon because of that fact is certainly welcome to do so. 


7)  In A Pickle – This also-hilarious phrase, is used to denote that someone is a difficult position, or a quandary, if you will. But what the heck? You can't fit inside a pickle, I don't care how skinny you are! So, where did this saying come from?

Well, apparently the earliest pickles were spicy sauces made to accompany meat dishes. The word "pickle" was later used to describe a mixture of spiced, salted vinegar that was used as a preservative for foods.

Later on, some really twisted writers (an oxymoron, of course) made up some fanciful stories – cautionary tales, really – about living people being added to the mixture of spices and sauces, either by accident, or intentionally as punishment for their misdeeds. If you were unfortunate enough to be purposefully or mistakenly added to the pickle sauce, you were said to be "in a pickle". Which would certainly qualify as being in a quandary, as no one in his or her right mind desires to be pickled and later consumed. That's just crazy talk! 


8)  Cut The Cheese – Yes, I'm going there. As most of you know (especially the more juvenile-minded like myself), to "cut the cheese" means to break wind – or to put it more crassly, to fart. But where did this most unusual of phrases originate?

Who exactly came up with the phrase is a seemingly unanswerable question. But when is a little clearer. First off, the word "cut" by itself has been used as a euphemism for breaking wind since the late 1800's. In polite company, one might say that they had "cut their finger", but what they really meant is that they had farted. Some sources from the same time period suggest that the phrase "cut no cheese" was used contemporaneously with "cut" by itself. However, the saying "cut no cheese" was used to describe something of no weight or value. Similar to how we might now say that something "doesn't pass muster," they would say back then that it "cut no cheese."

Ultimately, the association of cutting cheese with breaking wind is believed to derive from the fact that certain cheeses, while inherently stinky in and of themselves, instantly smell worse, or stinkier, once the cheese is cut. The sudden whiff of stinkiness that emits from a cut cheese far exceeds the stinkiness of the uncut cheese. I don't think I need to draw a correlation here between the two. You get it. 'Nuff said.


9)  Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk – Well, the meaning of this one is probably self-explanatory, but just in case it isn't, here's how Wikipedia describes it: "It is no use worrying about unfortunate events which have already happened and which cannot be changed." But why do we say it? A multiplicity of wildly varying theories abound.

One story says the phrase sprang from fairy lore, in which people would pour cold, creamy milk onto the ground outside their houses to attract fairies to come there; or alternately, they would surround their homes with "spilled milk" to appease the resident sprites, as a sort of shrine, so to speak.

Another theory says that the phrase originated during the Great Depression, when the price of milk as a commodity had fallen so low due to its overabundance relative to demand, that dairy farmers were subsidized by the state to destroy their surplus in order to bring prices back up to a profitable level.

The common sense theory, which I tend to like the best, is that it's utterly pointless to get upset about having spilled your milk. Yes it's wasteful, and yes it's going to be a pain to clean up. But you've already spilled it. So clean it up already! And move on. Life's too short to get upset by stupid stuff like squandered dairy products. 


10)  What Am I, Chopped Liver? – Why is it that, when feeling left out or disrespected by others, we so often utter this oddball question? Of course, it's rhetorical – no one is, in fact, chopped liver. So what do we mean by this saying?

Chopped liver is a traditional Jewish dish, consisting of cooked chicken livers that are chopped (or ground) and seasoned. While chopped liver is sometimes used as a sandwich filling, it is most often served as a side dish, and is never the main dish. Therefore, for someone to say that they feel akin to chopped liver is to equate themselves as less important and more expendable in the eyes of the person by whom they feel disrespected.

Most folks I know don't eat a lot of chopped liver. I don't either. Wouldn't touch the stuff. I don't even want any unchopped liver. But I can easily recognize that there are plenty of side dishes that are perfectly fine in and of themselves, yet will never be the star on the plate.

Since I don't do liver, the next time I feel slighted in some way, or I feel as though I am being treated as second-rate, I am going to personalize this cliché and pose the question: "What am I, steamed asparagus?" I just hope whomever I'm saying this to understands that I mean the question to be rhetorical.



(Sources: www.wikipedia.org, www.phrases.org.uk, Wiki Answers, and various other places on the wonderful World Wide Web.)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

When Suzy Met Danny: The Suzy & Danny Saga Begins

Suzy Sunshine was a happy child. She had two parents who loved her, and three wonderful brothers who never mistreated her or caused her a moment's grief.

At school, Suzy had many friends -- the guys admired her, but did not fawn over her; the girls enjoyed her company, but did not envy her. Her teachers loved her, because she always paid attention in class, always put forth her best effort, and always earned good grades. Her intelligence was superior to most, though she never flaunted the fact.

Good fortune followed Suzy into adulthood. After high school, she attended a premier university on a full academic scholarship, and graduated magna cum laude in only three and a half years. Upon graduating, she immediately secured a well-paying job in her chosen field, and began her sure-to-be-brilliant career.

Indeed, Suzy Sunshine had the world on a string, and was often known to sit on rainbows (when unicorns were unavailable).


*************************************************************************

Danny Danger was from The Wrong Side Of The Tracks, a place where everybody, including the cops and their mothers, had a criminal record; a place where the population dwindled a little more each day, starting when the sun went down. Danny had a mother who barely acknowledged his existence (only when she was aware of her own, which wasn't often) and a long string of stepfathers, only one of which (the 12th stepdad, he thought) was worth getting to know. And that one had died under mysterious circumstances, while bathing with the toaster.

Danny started drinking the year after he took up smoking. He wasn't sure exactly how old he was at the time, but it was probably the year he started kindergarten. The past was a little hazy. Probably from all the drugs he took in middle school. He quit school as soon as he turned sixteen -- he was in seventh grade at the time. There wasn't much point in continuing anyway -- he'd already broken every rule in the book and set the record for most suspensions in a single school year. What else was there left to shoot for?

When school was a thing of the past, Danny moved on to bigger and better things. That is to say, crime. He would try anything once, and often did at least twice. Grand larceny, driving while impaired, cat burglary, vandalism, jaywalking -- you name it, he'd done it, and enjoyed every minute of it. Danny was bad news and he knew it -- if you couldn't tell it by looking in his eyes, you could look about a foot and a half below them and read his shirt, which stated simply, "I'M BAD NEWS!"

Indeed, Danny Danger was trouble of the highest order, and was often known to beat dead horses (when dead unicorns were unavailable).

*************************************************************************

One fine day in the merry, merry month of May, Suzy Sunshine was walking in the park, enjoying the brilliant sunlight peeking through the trees, feeling the breeze whip her long, lustrous hair in a halo about her head, and humming a happy tune about bunny rabbits.

Danny Danger was cutting through a narrow path in the trees, swiftly and without any unnecessary sounds, so as not to give away his position. He knew that the surprisingly agile, middle-aged woman whose purse and Volvo he had stolen would be gaining on him, and Danny wasn't particularly in the mood to return to prison today. He had only been out a couple of days, and freedom was nice, though a guy still had to make a living and get around town somehow.

As Danny reached the clearing he had been rapidly approaching, he hadn't seen Suzy skipping toward him from the opposite direction. By the time he saw her, it was too late to avoid the collision. They ran headlong into each other, skull cracking uncomfortably against skull, before both collapsing in a conjoined heap of tattooed arms (his), smooth legs (hers), and designer handbags (both), and sinking into mutual unconsciousness.

To Be Continued...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Must Be The Weekend

I can't think of anything to write about. I have some ideas but I don't feel like putting in the effort to prepare them. I have better things to do, like nothing at all. Must be the weekend.

Pardon my stream of consciousness. Thoughts rolling around my head without rhyme or reason. Maybe I could write about...no, that's boring. Or what about...no, I've done that before.

Updates! Nobody wants to read them, but at least I'm saying something. Which is slightly better than saying nothing.

Went to the gym today. That's 12 times in the last 3 weeks alone. Not alone -- Mary's been going too, every time in fact. Alone, as in merely. In merely 3 weeks, 12 trips. That's pretty good, I think. Lifted a total of 12,000 pounds today. That's probably approximately two of some large wild animal, but I don't feel like looking it up. Let's see, if last week's total (13,600 lbs.) was two White Rhinoceroses, then this week could be two White Rhinoceroses if one of them is on a diet.

Speaking of diets, I'm still on one myself. At last check, I was down 12 pounds on the year. Only 50 more to go! Slowly but surely. Hopefully. Tonight, though, fish sticks and French fries. Happy "cheating"! Must be the weekend.

Still reading War And Peace while working out at the gym. Have gotten 11% of the way through it so far. Would have gotten farther, but I'm also reading an autobiography of David "Big Papi" Ortiz (baseball player); a true crime book about the Green River Killer; a young adult book about a teenage princess and her talking tiara; a British adventure/thriller novel; and also, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. What can I say, I can't stay focused on any one book at a time for too long.

I can't think of anything else to say. At least this was short. And so is the weekend. So that's it. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Friday, January 27, 2012

If You Like...Then You Might Like...

Music is a funny thing. It can get you going or mellow you out. It can even change your mood. For some people, like me, it can also inspire you.

Therefore, it's important to be careful what kind of music you allow to be a part of your life. I have to admit, I'm not always careful enough. I have tons and tons of good, positive music. And I have some not-so-positive music. I listen to plenty of good, God-honoring Christian music. And sometimes I don't.

Don't get me wrong – I'm not saying that I listen to complete rubbish, although I easily could. But sometimes I feel like listening to music by so-called "secular" artists, and I do. I'm not here to condone or condemn any music that's not Christian. I'm just being honest, which is sort of the point.

That being said, I do recognize that I am more likely to be in a better frame of mind and more at peace in my soul when I'm listening to music that speaks to my soul.

I don't know who's reading this right now.

Maybe you're older, and when you hear bits and pieces of "modern" music, whatever the style, you simply roll your eyes, hit the "Seek" button on the radio, or the "Channel" button on your TV, because it holds no interest for you whatsoever. It all sounds like a bunch of noise, you think.

Maybe you're younger, a teenager perhaps, and you hear today's popular music on a regular basis – whether you own it and play it on your mp3 player, or you hear it at your friends' house, or watch music videos on TV, or whatever. Maybe you like some of this music, even though you know the lyrics, or the content of the videos, or the artists themselves are questionable, if not downright immoral. Maybe you don't care if it's "bad" or not.

Maybe you're the parent of teenagers, or even younger children, and you're concerned about the negative influences that some of today's music is having, or will potentially have on your child's life. Maybe you know they're listening to it, and you think: What harm could it do, it's just music, right? Maybe they're listening to it when you're not around, and it's affecting the way they think, feel, or behave.

Maybe you're of the belief that only one kind of music is any good, and that's Christian music. And only one kind of Christian music is good, and that's Southern gospel, or hymns, or Christian contemporary music, or you-fill-in-the-blank. You're entitled to that opinion, of course, and maybe you're right. Or maybe you just don't realize that there are good, Godly alternatives to today's "secular" music because you've never been exposed to them, or because you've summarily dismissed them as "copycats" of worldly music.

Whichever category best fits you as you're reading this, I hope you will listen to the songs in the video links below, and will do so with an open mind. If you're the "anything-that-ain't-a-hymn-is-sinful" person, maybe these will convince you otherwise (or maybe not). If you're a parent, perhaps you'll find something here that your child may enjoy that will edify them and enrich their lives. If you're a teenager, and you think that no kind of Christian music could EVER be as good as what you're listening to now, maybe you'll be surprised at what you hear. If you're older, and it's all just noise to you, maybe these will just prove what you already believed (or maybe they won't).

I picked these songs in particular for their strong lyrical content, their superior music quality, and for the artists themselves, all of whom I would consider good role models for Christian young people today. You might disagree on one or all of these points for the songs below. But I sincerely hope that you will at least give them a chance.


1)  Flame ~ "Move"  –  So, maybe you or your kid likes the crazy-sounding, hip-hop ramblings of rapper Lil Wayne, although I'm not really sure why anyone likes him. Here's a healthy alternative that doesn't have to be bleeped every five seconds for curse words. It doesn't have to be bleeped at all, in fact. However, it is very explicit in its message about obedience to God, no matter the consequences. Listen as Flame implores you: "Hey, here's an idea / Why don't you go and forgive? / Why don't you go and repent? / Turn from your sin and enlist / Yes, I know it's hard, though / Plus, I understand it / But Jesus said, 'If you love Me, then you'll keep My commandments..."



2)  PRo feat. Andy Mineo ~ "In His Image" – Maybe you (or they) prefer the adept but foul-mouthed lyricism of Eminem or Kanye West. Well, you won't find any foul language here, but you will find plenty of truth. Listen as PRo and his pal Andy Mineo tell us:  "The simple fact that Creation is so creative / Is an exclamation point to this statement / It's amazing, so amazing / If you got low self-esteem, well, this should change that / There's traces of divinity up in your frame, fam / So love God, love people, and thoroughly hate sin..."



3)  Sir-Viva & Result ~ "Lost In Love" – I don't really have a comparative artist for this duo, but I do love listening to their music. Their recent album, "Heart Condition", from which this song originates, presents a clear picture of the sickness of our hearts before and up until we come to a saving knowledge of Christ. This song demonstrates the principles about Godly love from I Corinthians 13 more clearly than I have heard in any other song. Straight out of Scripture, they proclaim: "Love bears all things / Love believes all things / Love hopes all things / Love endures all things / Let's get lost in love..." I'll warn you, that chorus will get stuck in your head for awhile. But there are lots worse things to get stuck in your head, I suppose.




4)  Lecrae feat. Andy Mineo ~ "Background" – Lecrae is, by far, one of the most popular and successful Christian rappers out there right now. It's his accessibility – you don't necessarily have to like rap to enjoy his music – and his blatantly Christian lyrics, as well as his unashamed lifestyle that seem to set him apart from the rest. In this, one of Lecrae's best songs, he talks to God openly and honestly: "I had a dream that I was captain of my soul / I was master of my fate – lost control and then I sank / So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes / All these folks who follow me [are] gonna end up in the wrong place / So let me shadow You, let me trace Your lines / Matter of fact, just take my pen – here, You create my rhymes..."



OK, so maybe you (or they) aren't into hip-hop or rap at all. That's cool; that's perfectly understandable. Maybe you (or they) prefer pop stars like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Beyonce, or Rihanna. While these ladies are all very accomplished in what they do, none of them are what most would consider a good "role model". But here are a few ladies who are:


5)  V. Rose ~ "Not So Average" – This young lady knows that image isn't everything, and isn't ashamed to put herself on the back burner in order to glorify her King. She sings: "The only way to shine like a star / Is to realize whose you are / You were created to go far / It really doesn't matter what you look like / If you have Jesus on the inside / He's everything that you need in your life..."



6)  Beckah Shae ~ "#putyourloveglasseson" – Beckah Shae excels at producing catchy, upbeat songs that you could dance to (if you were so inclined), very much in the vein of Lady Gaga, minus all the blatant sexual references and imagery. Admittedly, there's not quite as much substance to the lyrics of this song as some of the others here, but the message is positive and it's clear. "Keep truth seeking, listen to wisdom speaking, catch His heartbeat, and see the world through God's eyes!"




7)  Britt Nicole ~ "The Lost Get Found" – Here's another young artist who's unashamed about her faith. Her music is light and poppy, but always grounded in truth. She implores the listener to: "Don't let your lights go down / Don't let your fire burn out / Somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe / Why don't you rise up now? / Don't be afraid to stand out / That's how the lost get found..."




8)  Kerrie Roberts – "Outcast" – Christian young people who aren't afraid to take a stand for their faith will often face ridicule, bullying, or even be ostracized in some settings because of it. This song encourages them (and you) to be okay with not being like everybody else. Comparable in style to an artist like Katy Perry, Kerrie boldly proclaims here: "I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want / But let me tell you what, I know who I am / So just throw me out for not fitting in / I will stand my ground and be an outcast!"

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sink Or Swim

True confession:  I don't swim too well. I know how. I try hard. But I sink every time. Either that, or I swim crooked.

I'm fine as long as I can hold on to the side of the pool – if I'm in a pool, that is. But when I attempt to swim across the pool – from the shallow side, across the deep end, to the other shallow side – I had better make it all the way, because if I stop anywhere in the middle, I'm going to sink.

I'm not really sure why this is the case. Because I'm bottom-heavy, perhaps? Maybe I have no natural buoyancy. Maybe I'm a freak of nature. I don't know.

I can't swim straight, either. The truth of the matter is that I swim in semi-circles. Maybe sometimes in the figure of a question mark. Never an exclamation point. I don't know why that is. I try to go forward. That's both the goal and the intention. But I always end up halfway back where I started. It's kind of hilarious to watch, at least from what I'm told.

When it came time for me to take the swim test in college – often (if not always) a requirement to graduate – I couldn't even attempt it. I had to take an elective health class which basically ended up being Remedial Swimming. I had to relearn everything I'd been taught about swimming when I was a kid.

And still I sank. And I still couldn't swim straight. I really did give it my best effort, but my body simply didn't cooperate. I passed Remedial Swimming, but I'm not sure I ever did pass that swim test. Maybe they felt sorry for me. Maybe I did enough halfway-across-the-pool laps that I reached the required number of full laps. Maybe they just got tired of seeing me fail and moved me along.

I don't care, really. It's slightly embarrassing, and would become quite an inconvenience if I was ever on a boat that capsized and there were no life preservers. But it is what it is. I'm not a swimmer.

I could make some profound point here, about how trying and trying but always failing is a metaphor for life. Or I could use this analogy to demonstrate that it's okay not to be able to do something, as long as you give it your best. But that's just trite nonsense. There's no deeper meaning here. I just can't swim. That's all there is to say.



WAR AND PEACE UPDATE:  I've done it. I've finally reached 10% of the book, which means I'm around Location 2900 on the Kindle, or page 98 of the printed version. I'm right at the beginning of Book Two (there are sixteen Books, or parts, that comprise the novel). This is almost where I gave up before. I'm not giving up this time. What's more, I don't even want to!