The Laughing Hyena Who Could Only Smile AND The Donkey Who Heard Wedding Bells

And now for your amusement, I present two brand-spanking-new short-short stories about animals. Hope you'll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them...

THE LAUGHING HYENA 

WHO COULD ONLY SMILE

Aldo sat back on his haunches and sighed sadly. What good was a laughing hyena that couldn’t laugh? He was getting old. When he was a cub, he could laugh like nobody’s business. Even when nothing was funny, Aldo could cackle with the best of them. But he’d strained his cackler during the last hunt, and was recovering so slowly he didn’t think he’d ever speak again, much less laugh. Not only that, but his mate had left him for another male and there wasn’t much to laugh about anymore. Jana had been a good partner all these years, but she had never been all that faithful. Now she was gone for good. What was worse, she had taken the cubs with her. Aldo didn’t even have joint custody. The judge said since he couldn’t hold down a steady job catching prey and couldn’t laugh properly, that Aldo was an unfit father. Unfit father, my hindquarters, he thought. Only one thing kept Aldo from utter despair, and the thought of it brought – if not a laugh – a hearty smile to his face. Bruce, the male hyena that Jana had taken up with, was hiding a dirty little secret. While he wasn’t showing any outward signs of it, Aldo knew that Bruce had full-fledged rabies. Jana didn’t know, of course, and wouldn’t – not until she was infected herself. As much as he still loved Jana, Aldo could only see this as her punishment for betraying him. Of course, it would be hard on the cubs losing their mother and their stepfather, but they’d be all right in time. Especially when they came back home to Papa Aldo. He’d protect them from harm till they were big enough to fend for themselves. One day, Aldo thought, when all this is over, the cubs and I – who won’t be cubs anymore, but brothers in the pack – will look back on this and laugh. Time heals all wounds, and most cacklers.

THE DONKEY WHO HEARD WEDDING BELLS

I’m not usually one to kiss and bray, but sometimes something so wonderful happens to you that you just have to tell someone. So I’m telling you. I hope you don’t mind my confession. You see, I’ve fallen in love with the most beautiful jenny I ever laid eyes on. Her name is Stella, and I know – I just know – she’s the one for me. Now I can already guess what you’re thinking – old Calvin is just a regular jack, nothing special to look at, and that’s true. So why on earth would a beautiful jenny like Stella waste her time on someone like me. Honestly, I’ve been asking myself the same question – what does she see in me? I have unusually short ears, I limp when I trot, and I’m stubborn as a mule, no familial pun intended. But for some reason, things most donkeys would consider shortcomings Stella considers qualities to be commended. Plus, she brays that she likes my smile. I didn’t even know I could smile, let alone that it was anything worth looking at. But I guess she’s seen enough smiles from me these past few weeks to know that she likes what she sees. And why not? I’ve sure been happy enough. Did I tell you about her eyes? They’re the biggest, brownest eyes you could imagine, and they’re lovely. Stella’s working her way through community college – she only has one semester left (she’s studying to be a beast of burden) – and as soon as she graduates, we’re going to be married. I already asked her and everything, and she brayed that of course she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me – can you believe that? I know that all this means I’m going to have to get a better job, maybe work longer hours, but it’s worth it. I look into Stella’s eyes and nothing else matters to me. I’ve met my soulmate, and now my future can finally begin.

A Man's Man?

The other day, in the midst of general conversation, a friend of mine referred to me as "a man's man." For some reason, this designation immediately struck me as odd. I wasn't sure whether my confusion stemmed from the fact that I never personally thought of myself in that way, or because I knew they were wrong and couldn't possibly fathom why they would think that I was anything other than what I actually am.

Which got me thinking:  If I'm not "a man's man", then what the heck am I? I've never really given much thought to the varying types of masculinity; I've merely accepted them for what they are, and accepted the people I know for who they are. But guys really are very different from each other in many ways.*

In researching this post online, I found an article written by a guy named Luigi Di Serio entitled, "What It Takes To Be A Real Man." In it, Di Serio lists the four types of males as he sees them – he calls it the Male Matrix.

First of all, there's The Wussy (or alternately The Geek). This type of male is described as being "so reserved and self-loathing that he has essentially 'given up' and is neither driven nor passionate." The Wussy is "very needy" and "fueled by insecurity". In relation to the opposite sex, Di Serio says that "women are seldom attracted to The Wussy and men rarely respect them."

Then you have The Metrosexual. This relatively new moniker for heterosexual males is used to describe a man who has "decided that conforming to women's demands and behaviors is the easiest way to win them over." This type of guy has been "adversely affected by social pressures and Unisexification" (whatever that means). He lacks "normal masculine interests" and is perceived to "act gay" even though he isn't.

Next comes The Macho Man. This guy "has a lot of qualities that can be attractive to women, but only because they are usually opposite qualities than women have." Like The Wussy, The Macho Man is motivated by insecurity. However, The Macho Man's insecurity is manifested not by being a pushover, but by maintaining "a tough exterior to protect his weak, apprehensive self." The Macho Man is often abusive and extremely selfish; but because he doesn't behave this way all the time (only when it's to his advantage), he is often perceived to be just a "regular guy."

The Real Man is described by Di Serio as a confident male who believes in himself and stands up for what he believes in, while allowing others to do the same. The Real Man is able to enjoy himself, but is "not controlled by emotional impulses." He is "in control, but [is] not controlling."

While the article doesn't ever use the phrase "a man's man", my general understanding of that term seems to peg it somewhere between The Macho Man and The Real Man.

So where does all this leave me?

Fortunately, Di Serio includes a chart which demonstrates how various characteristics and traits typically manifest themselves in the behavior of each type of male. It's sort of a checkoff list where you can easily identify which kind of guy you are (if you're a guy), or which kind of guy your significant other is (if you're a lady). Of course, like any personality test, it's not foolproof. But it is interesting nonetheless to self-evaluate based on specific qualities (or lack thereof).

The actual chart can be found at the site linked at the end of this post. I won't reproduce it here, but I will highlight each category mentioned by Di Serio.

***************

PERSONALITY:  The Wussy is passive, while The Metrosexual is flaky. The Macho Man is aggressive, whereas The Real Man is stern.

BRAVERY:  The Wussy is cowardly (no surprise there!), whereas The Metrosexual is worrisome. The Macho Man is reckless, while The Real Man is courageous.

SOCIAL SKILLS:  The Wussy is timid, The Metrosexual is relaxed, the Macho Man is obnoxious, and The Real Man is approachable.

WORK ETHIC:  The Wussy is a workaholic, while The Metrosexual is only working for the money. The Macho Man is lazy, whereas The Real Man gets the job done.

GENEROSITY:  The Wussy is a giver (to excess), whereas The Metrosexual tends to be cheap or exhibits selective generosity. The Macho Man is a taker, while The Real Man makes compromises.

PHYSICAL PROWESS:  The Wussy is (not surprisingly) a pushover, while The Metrosexual tends to be more reactive than proactive. The Macho Man is aggressive, whereas The Real Man is honorable.

SEXUALITY:  The Wussy is restrained, the Metrosexual is eager to please, the Macho Man is dominant, and The Real Man is in control.

SENSE OF FREEDOM:  The Wussy is oppressed, while The Metrosexual is very liberal. The Macho Man is exploitive, whereas The Real Man is respectful.

EXPRESSION OF DESIRES:  The Wussy is repressed, whereas The Metrosexual is rash. The Macho Man is obsessive, while The Real Man is moderate.

HONESTY:  The Wussy is transparent, while The Metrosexual is ambiguous. The Macho Man is outright deceptive, while The Real Man is fair.

REASON:  The Wussy is data-driven, whereas The Metrosexual is plain ignorant. The Macho Man is arrogant, while The Real Man is wise.

HUMOR:  The Wussy tends to have a nerdy sense of humor, while The Metrosexual's is more silly or absurd. The Macho Man's sense of humor is rude and offensive, while The Real Man's is tasteful.

***************

I went through each of these traits evaluating myself, but ultimately found the results to be inconclusive. While I'm fairly timid, repressed, and data-driven like The Wussy, I'm also flaky, worrisome, cheap, reactive, and ambiguous like The Metrosexual. Sometimes I'm lazy like The Macho Man, and sometimes I get the job done like The Real Man.

Di Serio concedes that many guys don't fit neatly into any one of these categories. For the guys like myself who possess "a variety of traits and virtues from each", there's the fifth and probably most common type of guy: The Average Male.

I'm good with that one. I've never aspired to be (nor been successful in being) extraordinary in anything; nor have I attempted to be (or succeeded at being) nothing at all. I'm somewhere in between. I think we all are.

So go ahead and call me a Wussy, but be prepared – the Macho Man in me just might kick your butt. Call me a Metrosexual, and I might stand up for what I believe and respectfully tell you that you're wrong. Call me Average, and I'll answer to it every time.





* I know, I know: ladies are very different from each other also, but that discussion will be saved for a later date, if I ever venture to tackle it at all.


Source:  http://www.diserio.com/malematrix.html

Poems For Your Perusal: More Alpha Poetry

If you read this post a few days ago, you already know what Alpha Poetry is. If not, click on the link in the previous sentence and be introduced to the concept behind these "flash poems".  Here's a new cycle I came up with recently. Hope you enjoy them...

Apart from you

I am complete.

With you

I am full.

Either way

I'm doing okay.

Buy one get one

At half price

Does that work

With hearts, too?

Clap if you like it

Groan if you hate it

But you must react

So they can know

How to feel

About their efforts.

Dust off your boots

Step out the door

And keep walking.

But keep trying!

One slammed door

Does not mean

You failed.

Everybody says

They are fine

When the truth is

No one is fine.

Everybody lies

Because the truth is

Too scary to face.

Flip a coin

If it lands

On heads

So will you.

If it lands

On tails

Down you go.

If it never lands

You'll know

It was never

Meant to be.

Get a life

But don't take

Someone else's

I'm sure they

Have plans for it.

And shortening it

Was likely not

One of them.

Hope you have

A wonderful day

Or that at least

No one spits

In your face

Because that

Is a terrible way

To spend a birthday.

(Speaking from experience)

In the event

Of an actual emergency

I'll be the first one

Out the door.

Fend for yourself

Or give up

But don't expect me

To save you.

This is retribution.

Jeering voices

Disapproving

You should have

Bought the chocolate

Instead. Don't they

Always prefer it?

What were you thinking?

Keep looking up

And you're likely

To get guano

In your eye

And that's sure

To get you down.

Lisping speech

Hard to decipher

What she's saying.

But it sounds like

An apology.

I'm thorry too.

Maybe I should have

Paid better attention

When you said you

Were done. I thought

You meant your breakfast.

But you haven't returned

So I'm guessing I was wrong.

Not what I expected.

Better! Life is full

Of surprises sometimes.

Usually bad ones

But sometimes good ones too.

I should be less pessimistic.

Overwhelming me

With honesty!

There's only so much

Truth I can take

In one sitting.

Tell me a lie or two.

I need time to recover.

Possible answers

Yes, no, never, always

What will you say?

I am impatient.

Quicker than before

You seem to be getting

The hang of it.

I wish I were

A faster learner.

Rising cost of living

Means less in my pocket.

Except for lint

Which always multiplies

And is never affected

By inflation.

What I wouldn't give

To be lint.

Sustaining that kind of productivity

For more than a week denotes

Superhumanity. Stop making us

Look bad already! We're doing

The best we can with gnarled hands.

This is not the right time

To be discussing this.

People are staring.

You're making a spectacle.

Please, can we talk about this

Later? We could have coffee

And settle our differences.

Why does it always have to be

A big production? I get it.

You've always wanted to direct.

Undoubtedly you think

That your master plan

Is foolproof. Well, it isn't.

I found several flaws

And I'm as big a fool

As anyone else.

Vague references

To unsolved crimes

Number one suspect

But how did he do it?

He lied.

Went to town. Be back

In a bit. Take what you

Need. Leave the money

On the counter. I trust

You. See that it's not

Misplaced. Or I may

Have to come back and

Tear you limb from limb.

Xylophone music

Playing in the background

Who'd have ever thought

You could bob your head

To clink-clink-clink-clink?

But there's no mistaking it

That song is catchy.

Yes, I did call you earlier.

I was trying to find out

If you got my message.

You know the one I mean.

When I said I never wanted

To speak to you again?

Yeah? Well, I changed my mind.

Zip your lip

No one must know

Until it is time.

Useless to worry

About possibilities.