Okay, I'm still tired from last night's first Easter drama performance (which went well) and my level of creativity is at a minimum, so I'm going to keep this short. Today's post was suggested by my cousin, Rhesa Kelly. She gave me the writing prompt "why sleep is better than awake." I couldn't think of a story to accompany this theme, so I'm making this one a list post. Hope you enjoy it...
1) When you're sleeping, you can't worry about the problems of life. Of course, they're still there when you wake up, but for a few hours at least, they disappear entirely. Unless you're one of those people, like me, who occasionally dreams about their problems, in which case this point is completely negated.
2) When you have a nightmare, you can wake up, and it's over. Whereas when you're awake and something horrible happens, you can't just pinch yourself and make it disappear. Many people, myself included, try this, but it never works. When life is tough, it just is. You can't just change the channel. True, things can get better depending on your response to circumstances. But bad stuff still happens -- that's just the way it is.
3) Some dreams are awesome, while others are really strange -- but very few are boring. Case in point: Last night I dreamed that my wife and I were vacationing in Jamaica, staying in a swanky apartment. We were considering moving there, if everything went well on our visit. As it turns out, the apartment was as nice as advertised, but had been broken into shortly before we arrived, so we knew security in the area wasn't that great. We decided to take a walk around the surrounding area, when we were suddenly pursued by a very bad man in a very fast boat. I was conked over the head and knocked out, while my wife hid under a bed nearby. When I came to, I realized that a friend of ours -- who had unexpectedly shown up while we were being pursued -- had been kidnapped by the very bad man in the very fast boat. We made our way back to the restaurant near our swanky apartment. There we met my boss, who warned me that if I didn't return to my job in the States within the next day that I would be promptly fired. Then I woke up. Not altogether pleasant, but definitely interesting.
4) After a good night's sleep, you feel much better. After a long day of being awake, especially if you've spent that day doing something particularly stressful or highly physical, you tend to feel much worse.
5) If you're an insomniac, when you finally fall asleep, it's a wonderful relief. If you're not a morning person, when you are forced to wake up, it's a pain in the butt! I am both an insomniac and a not-a-morning-person, and the time spent after trying to get sleepy and before trying to wake up is the best part. The "trying" parts, not so great.
Okay, that's all I've got. Feel free to comment with your own reasons for why asleep is superior to awake. Or if you disagree, feel free to share your reasons why you think so as well.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Things I Find Fascinating: Ridiculously Short Words And Their Meanings
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Such is also the case with blog posts. Well, in this case, at least. Several days ago, I posted a list of Ridiculously Long Words And Their Meanings, so I felt it only appropriate today to post a collection of extremely short words and their meanings. Enjoy!
1) Ai: This is a three-toed sloth which inhabits the forests of southern Venezuela, the Guianas, and northern Brazil. If you disturb the ai while it's eating the trumpet-tree leaves (its favorite food), the ai may very well sound a high-pitched cry in your general direction. Sloths are funny-looking creatures to me, but my wife thinks they're adorable. If she had her way – and/or if it were legal – we would have two or three pet sloths (doing whatever it is sloths do) hanging out at our house right now.
2) Go: It's not what you think. Yes, "go" means to move or to leave, but it also has another meaning. Go is also the name for an ancient board game – possibly the oldest board game still in existence, in fact. Known as weiqi in Chinese, igo in Japanese, or baduk in Korean, the game of go originated in China more than 2,000 years ago. The game is apparently rich in strategy, despite having relatively simple rules. According to its Wikipedia article, the game is played by two players who alternately place black and white stones on the vacant intersections (called "points") of a grid of 19 x 19 lines. The object of the game is to use one's stones to surround a larger portion of the board than the opponent. Once on the board, stones can only be moved if they are captured. When a game concludes, the controlled points are counted along with captured stones to determine who has more points. Games may also be lost by resignation.
3) Id: The id is one of the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche (along with ego and super-ego). The id part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, is said to be the source of instinctive impulses that seek satisfaction in accordance with the pleasure principle and are modified by the ego and the super-ego before they are given overt expression. I used to want to be a psychologist – partially because I really enjoyed watching The Bob Newhart Show – but after reading and trying to comprehend explanations like the one above for "id", I decided after only one psychology college course that the field simply wasn't for me. I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I'd make a good subject for a psychologist, but definitely not a good psychologist. Anyway, that's what the "id" is; hopefully you understand it better than I do.
4) Ho: It's not what you think, either. Well, it is, but that's not the meaning I'm referring to here. In addition to its derogatory definition as well as its being Santa's most famous saying (always spoken in triplicate), "ho" is a word also used as a call to attract attention, often tagged on after a word denoting a destination. Thus, the phrase "Westward Ho!" essentially means, "Hey, everybody, let's go West!" The saying "Land Ho!" then means, "Look over there, dry land! Perhaps we won't die on the high seas after all!"
1) Ai: This is a three-toed sloth which inhabits the forests of southern Venezuela, the Guianas, and northern Brazil. If you disturb the ai while it's eating the trumpet-tree leaves (its favorite food), the ai may very well sound a high-pitched cry in your general direction. Sloths are funny-looking creatures to me, but my wife thinks they're adorable. If she had her way – and/or if it were legal – we would have two or three pet sloths (doing whatever it is sloths do) hanging out at our house right now.
2) Go: It's not what you think. Yes, "go" means to move or to leave, but it also has another meaning. Go is also the name for an ancient board game – possibly the oldest board game still in existence, in fact. Known as weiqi in Chinese, igo in Japanese, or baduk in Korean, the game of go originated in China more than 2,000 years ago. The game is apparently rich in strategy, despite having relatively simple rules. According to its Wikipedia article, the game is played by two players who alternately place black and white stones on the vacant intersections (called "points") of a grid of 19 x 19 lines. The object of the game is to use one's stones to surround a larger portion of the board than the opponent. Once on the board, stones can only be moved if they are captured. When a game concludes, the controlled points are counted along with captured stones to determine who has more points. Games may also be lost by resignation.
3) Id: The id is one of the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche (along with ego and super-ego). The id part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, is said to be the source of instinctive impulses that seek satisfaction in accordance with the pleasure principle and are modified by the ego and the super-ego before they are given overt expression. I used to want to be a psychologist – partially because I really enjoyed watching The Bob Newhart Show – but after reading and trying to comprehend explanations like the one above for "id", I decided after only one psychology college course that the field simply wasn't for me. I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I'd make a good subject for a psychologist, but definitely not a good psychologist. Anyway, that's what the "id" is; hopefully you understand it better than I do.
4) Ho: It's not what you think, either. Well, it is, but that's not the meaning I'm referring to here. In addition to its derogatory definition as well as its being Santa's most famous saying (always spoken in triplicate), "ho" is a word also used as a call to attract attention, often tagged on after a word denoting a destination. Thus, the phrase "Westward Ho!" essentially means, "Hey, everybody, let's go West!" The saying "Land Ho!" then means, "Look over there, dry land! Perhaps we won't die on the high seas after all!"
5) Li: The li is a traditional Chinese unit of distance, the length of which has varied considerably over time, but now has a standardized length of 500 meters or half a kilometer (approximately 1,640 feet). A modern li consists of 1,500 Chinese "feet" or chi and, in the past, was often translated as a mile. The Chinese used to denote the word (里) combines the characters for "field" (田) and "earth (土), since a li was considered to be about the length of a single village. Pictured below is a section of the Anping Bridge in Fujian commonly known as the "Five Li Bridge" due to its length.
6) Oy (also spelled Oi): This Yiddish word – most often accompanied by the word "vey" – is typically used as an exclamation of dismay or exasperation. The literal meaning of the phrase "oy vey!" is "oh pain!" Uses of the phrase in popular culture include: a sign on the Williamsburg Bridge in New York City which proclaims: "Leaving Brooklyn! Oy vey!" (due to the borough's large Jewish population); the chorus of Weird Al Yankovic's song "Pretty Fly For A Rabbi" (which goes something like this – "How ya doin' Bernie? Oy vey, oy vey, And all the goyim say, I'm pretty fly for a rabbi!"); and a series of James Bond parody novels by Sol Weinstein, featuring the spy character named "Oy-Oy-Seven".
7) Xu: A xu is a coin formerly minted in South Vietnam which is roughly equivalent to a cent. The xu has not been widely used since 1978, when the dong was established as the primary unit of currency used throughout the country. A dong is worth approximately 100 xu, so the dong is basically their dollar. A two-xu coin is pictured below. Personally, I think all coins should have a hole in the middle for easier transport – I hate having jingly pockets. I'd rather have a jingly necklace. Talk about blinged out!
8) Pa: Though you don't hear it as much these days, the word "pa" has historically been a quite commonly used affectation for one's dad or father. Famous Pa's throughout history include Pa Ingalls of Little House On The Prairie fame and Pa Kettle from the Ma And Pa Kettle comedy films of the 1940s and '50s.
9) Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti (or Si), and Do again: These seven notes, along with the repeated Do, make up the diatonic scale, a musical term for an octave-repeating musical scale comprising five whole steps and two half steps for each octave, in which the two half steps are separated from each other by either two or three whole steps. Did you get all that? Good! This technique of having a word associated with each note (not the actual names of the notes) is called solfége, and was put to popular use in a song called "Do-Re-Mi" from Rodgers and Hammerstein's famous musical The Sound Of Music, which goes a little something like this...
10) Za: Though I have never personally heard anyone say this, "za" is apparently commonly recognized as a shortened version of the word "pizza" – so much so that it actually appears in respected online dictionaries. Go figure! "Pizza" is not that long of a word, so why anyone would need to shorten it even further is beyond me. Laziness, I suppose? Regardless, if you ever hear anyone say, "Let's get some za!" or perhaps "Does that za place on 10th deliver here?", now you'll know that they're talking about pizza, and not some ancient Egyptian god (that's what it sounds like) or Russian monarch (which is also what it sounds like).
Oh great, now I'm hungry for pizza! Oh, well...
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Per Your Suggestion #3: "Ostracized Ostriches"
Today's story/post is based on another great suggestion by my friend, Bryce Kime. The writing prompt Bryce offered in this case was the deceptively simple phrase: "ostracized ostriches." I took that catchy couplet and just rolled with it! The resulting story is slightly absurd yet surprisingly literary. Hope you enjoy!
We are the forgotten ones – the ones you never think of when you're scratching out your invitations to the wedding, the birthday party, or the bar-mitzvah. We are the neglected, the rejected, the unwanted – and you think it doesn't matter to us. You think we don't mind your exclusions, assuming that we'd rather be doing something else anyway – like playing checkers, getting our teeth cleaned, or flying. That's the heart of it, isn't it? You resent the fact that we can take flight whenever we like, while you are eternally ground-bound. We are the weirdoes, the mutants – because we have wings that not only propel us forward but upward. We take off and soar to foreign lands to sample the cuisine, take candid snapshots, and return when the weather is warmer. You are stuck here – running, running, running, always running, but getting nowhere. We are the losers, the squares, the avian pariahs – just because we don't look or act like you, is that any reason to hate us? We can't help the way we were born. So we fly, and you don't – that makes us different, true, but it also makes us interesting. We're not asking you to love us, simply to take interest in us, to acknowledge for one moment that we exist. Instead you screech carelessly that we're nothing more than folklore or some cleverly devised urban legend which you can easily dismiss. But we do exist – you could see us right in front of you, if you only had the courage to look. We are the black sheep, the chopped liver, the pond scum of your world – but why? We are ostriches – just like you, but not like you – and you ostracize us with your squawks and with your actions. In the end, who wins?
"OSTRACIZED OSTRICHES"
We are the forgotten ones – the ones you never think of when you're scratching out your invitations to the wedding, the birthday party, or the bar-mitzvah. We are the neglected, the rejected, the unwanted – and you think it doesn't matter to us. You think we don't mind your exclusions, assuming that we'd rather be doing something else anyway – like playing checkers, getting our teeth cleaned, or flying. That's the heart of it, isn't it? You resent the fact that we can take flight whenever we like, while you are eternally ground-bound. We are the weirdoes, the mutants – because we have wings that not only propel us forward but upward. We take off and soar to foreign lands to sample the cuisine, take candid snapshots, and return when the weather is warmer. You are stuck here – running, running, running, always running, but getting nowhere. We are the losers, the squares, the avian pariahs – just because we don't look or act like you, is that any reason to hate us? We can't help the way we were born. So we fly, and you don't – that makes us different, true, but it also makes us interesting. We're not asking you to love us, simply to take interest in us, to acknowledge for one moment that we exist. Instead you screech carelessly that we're nothing more than folklore or some cleverly devised urban legend which you can easily dismiss. But we do exist – you could see us right in front of you, if you only had the courage to look. We are the black sheep, the chopped liver, the pond scum of your world – but why? We are ostriches – just like you, but not like you – and you ostracize us with your squawks and with your actions. In the end, who wins?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Birthday Music
I already know it's going to be a busy day, between working all day and the final Easter drama rehearsal taking up most of the night, so I'm going to make it easy on myself with today's blog post.
I received (as requested) Amazon.com gift cards for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I just got around to spending them today. Ten new albums for my listening enjoyment!
Below are links to individual songs from each album I purchased. I grouped them together by style. The first two are Christian rock (pretty heavy!); the next two are Christian rap; the next two are Christian pop; and the last four are mainstream/"secular" pop. Obviously, I like a wide variety of musical styles.
Anyway, I'm enjoying listening to these. Click on the videos below and listen too if you'd like. Or don't – it doesn't really matter. Till tomorrow...
1) Sent By Ravens – Mean What You Say
2) Fireflight – Now
3) 116 – Man Up
4) Flame – The 6th
5) Britt Nicole – Gold
6) Kari Jobe – Where I Find You
7) Adele – 21
8) Amy Winehouse – Lioness: Hidden Treasures
9) Lucy Schwartz – Keep Me EP
10) Lights – Siberia
I received (as requested) Amazon.com gift cards for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I just got around to spending them today. Ten new albums for my listening enjoyment!
Below are links to individual songs from each album I purchased. I grouped them together by style. The first two are Christian rock (pretty heavy!); the next two are Christian rap; the next two are Christian pop; and the last four are mainstream/"secular" pop. Obviously, I like a wide variety of musical styles.
Anyway, I'm enjoying listening to these. Click on the videos below and listen too if you'd like. Or don't – it doesn't really matter. Till tomorrow...
1) Sent By Ravens – Mean What You Say
2) Fireflight – Now
3) 116 – Man Up
4) Flame – The 6th
6) Kari Jobe – Where I Find You
7) Adele – 21
8) Amy Winehouse – Lioness: Hidden Treasures
9) Lucy Schwartz – Keep Me EP
10) Lights – Siberia
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I Could Get It For Free, But It's Not For Me!
You remember how I said before that I would read anything, no matter what it was? Yeah, well, perhaps I misspoke.
In doing my daily search for free e-books with which to further clutter up my Kindle on both Amazon.com and other free e-book sites, I have run across some truly diverse books, ranging from the completely absurd (I usually go for those) to the intriguing (I usually pick those up too) to the horribly mundane (if I buy those it's 'cause I fell asleep with my finger hovering over the "BUY" button by accident).
Rather than bore you with the weird (been there, done that!) or intriguing books I have downloaded, I figured it'd be way more entertaining to give you a few examples of the boring, stupid, and utterly pointless books that even I won't read. And that's saying something! So here we go...
1) Adventures In The Land Of Singing Garbage Trucks by Adam Tervort
DESCRIPTION:
"What happens when a normal guy from the Midwest finds himself on the other side of the world? How does one cope with the shock of spiders, snakes, and scooters seemingly around every turn? Adventures In The Land Of Singing Garbage Trucks is a memoir of a life in Taiwan by Adam Tervort, Midwesterner, Chinese-speaker, and arachnophobe extraordinaire."
MY TAKE:
Normally, an absurd title like this would pique my interest so much that I'd download it without even reading the description. But in this case, I was not too hasty and read what it was about, and was thoroughly unimpressed. Big whoop! A guy moves to Taiwan and is scared of spiders. Does it really take 41,812 words to tell that story? I just summarized it 10 words. No, thanks!
2) I Was Attacked By A Shark and (its companion piece) I Almost Died In The Grand Canyon by Ryan Barlow
DESCRIPTIONS:
Aren't they kind of irrelevant in this case?
MY TAKE:
First of all, neither of these would actually qualify as a "book." Both are simply articles taken from travel blogs in which the author was published. Secondly, why would I waste my time reading these "books" when the entire story is told in the title? Okay, he was attacked by a shark, and later (or earlier – whatever!) he almost died in the Grand Canyon. Obviously, he survived both because he wrote a "book" about each experience. Thirdly, what kind of rotten luck does this guy have to both be attacked by a shark and nearly die at a national landmark? I'm betting this is not coincidence and he's just making junk up to draw attention to himself. Finally, I can't and won't support (even by downloading his free books) an author who also wrote books called God Is Dead: My Fall From Fundamentalist Christianity and The Argument For Post-Term Abortion. Moving on...
3) How To Become A Successful Independent Female Escort by Ashly Lorenzana
DESCRIPTION:
"A short guide to starting out as a professional escort."
MY TAKE:
Well, first of all, I'm not female. So certain aspects of the book wouldn't really apply to me. Secondly, I am not now nor have I ever been nor do I ever aspire to be an escort, either as a professional or an amateur. So, yeah, not gonna be downloading or reading this one. Ever.
4) Shamanic Psychopomp: Guide Of Souls by F.J. Fritz
DESCRIPTION:
"Throughout time, the shaman has carried the responsibility of escorting the souls of kindred members to the realms of beyond. Today this service is still greatly needed. Although the knowledge of how to accomplish this task has faded as the close-knit tribal community has given way to modern civilization, shamanic practitioners are discovering the call to guide souls, or to act as a psychopomp, inadvertently through their ecstatic journeys..."
MY TAKE:
There's way more description where I left off, but that's enough for me. I agree with part of this book's title: It's definitely psycho. I don't claim to understand the tenets of whatever kind of religion this book is endorsing, but I know mumbo-jumbo when I hear it. I'll take a pass on the "Psychopomp."
5) Remembering 'Star Search' by Dave Rodway
DESCRIPTION:
"A story about the process of auditioning and performing on the national TV show Star Search with Ed McMahon."
MY TAKE:
I remember Star Search, too. Vaguely, because I was quite young when it was still on, but I do remember it. But I don't want to read a book about the process of auditioning and performing on the show. I'd rather just watch the first couple of episodes of a new season of American Idol. And I really don't want to do that either. So, no, I won't be reading this one – sorry, Dave!
6) Easy Gingerbread Tiki Hut by Lisa Turner Anderson
DESCRIPTION:
"Dreaming of the Caribbean? Well, building a fabulous gingerbread tiki hut is as easy as 1-2-3 with this no-bake take on the classic. This no-bake house is made from graham crackers and is put together with our secret recipe for royal icing! Includes pattern, simple step-by-step instructions, and a list of candy add-ons."
MY TAKE:
First of all, I don't often dream of the Caribbean; but if I did, I'd be dreaming of lying on a beautiful beach, the warm crystal-blue water tickling my toes, sipping a tall glass of ice-cold lemonade – not dreaming of constructing a tiki hut out of graham crackers. That thought probably wouldn't even rank in my Top 10 Caribbean Dreams. Secondly, my mama always told me: "Don't play with your food." Since I've always been fairly obedient in that respect, why spoil things now? Thirdly, I wouldn't want to risk losing what little self-respect I currently possess by making a gingerbread tiki hut and then showing it off to my friends. There are much better, less embarrassing ways to lose my self-respect, and I'd be more likely to try some of those first.
7) Little Mama's Family Secrets by Suzanne Apruzzese-Brame, Darlene Sirmans, and Connie Apruzzese
DESCRIPTION:
"Little Mama welcomes you to make your next meal experience the most flavorful it can be by making your family dishes of home-style proportions. This book includes recipes for main dishes, side dishes, desserts, and even drinks, all of which are true family favorites. If you really want to make your guests say 'WOW!' just make one of Little Mama's batches of Peanut Blossom cookies or some Stuffed Meatballs...One hundred percent of the profit from each sale will be donated to the fight against Domestic and Date Violence monetarily to the local domestic violence shelter for families."
MY TAKE:
Even if I were an avid cook (and I'm not), I wouldn't be diving into Little Mama's recipe book. First of all, Little Mama and her kitchen are more than a little scary-looking. If you disagree with that statement, that's okay. I just get creepy vibes from looking at her, that's all. Secondly, what's the big deal here? Are Little Mama's recipes really so distinctive that any good cook couldn't come up with these on their own? Every good cookbook needs a gimmick – what is Little Mama's? She could've gone with Little Mama's Creepy Cookbook or Little Mama's Redneck Remedies For Fast-Food Fanatics, or some such thing. Family Secrets is just boring – unless, of course, the "secret" is that the meat Little Mama uses is actually ground-up people parts like in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now THAT would be an interesting cookbook! Thirdly, it's a noble gesture to donate 100% of the profits of each book sale to domestic violence shelters, but that doesn't really do them much good if you're giving the book away for FREE! Think about that, Little Mama.
8) What Is HTML5? by Brett McLaughlin
DESCRIPTION:
"HTML5: Everyone's using it, nobody knows what it is. I realize that sounds more like a line out of an existential movie – maybe Waiting For Godot or a screenplay by Sartre – than a statement about HTML5. But it's really the truth: most of the people using HTML5 are treating it as HTML4+, or even worse, HTML4 (and some stuff they don't use). The result? A real delay in the paradigm shift that HTML5 is almost certain to bring. It's certainly not time to look away, because by the time you look back, you may have missed something really important: a subtle but important transition centered around HTML5."
MY TAKE:
Dear Mr. McLaughlin, Nobody cares about your stupid book. Predicting some doomsday "paradigm shift" if we all don't download your book and catch up with you and the rest of your computer-geek friends isn't going to make us download your stupid book. It's going to make us laugh at you behind your back, or maybe to your face, because you're stupid enough to actually care about whether the whole world knows and understands the difference between HTML5 and HTML4+ and whatever other numbers you tack onto "HTML." Short answer: We don't care. Most of us just want to know how to check our email and get on Facebook. The 1% of people worldwide who actually care about what you have to say about HTML5 probably already know all about it anyway. And they're probably making fun of you for that one comment you made on page 5 that was "so 2011!" Sorry, but it's true. Your book is irrelevant, sir. And I, for one, won't be reading it.
9) Sagen aus Sachsen by Unbekannter Verfasser
DESCRIPTION:
Bel diesem Werk handelt es sich um eine urheberrechsfreir Ausgabe. Der Kauf dieser Kindle-Edition beinhaltet die kostenlose, drahtlose Lieferung auf Ihren Kindle oder Ihre Kindle-Apps.
MY TAKE:
I don't speak German, so I have no clue what this book's about, much less how to read it. Good enough reason not to download it, eh?
10) How To Make A Shoe by John Parker Headley
DESCRIPTION: (in verse, no less!)
"Shoemakers are known both far and wide,
As men who always cut up side –
Horse sometimes, also cow leather,
To meet the changes in the weather.
Sheep and goats are often slain;
Both unite to make it plain
That sheep is used for lining nice,
When goat alone would not suffice;
Just so with calf as well as kid.
Some use these linen-lined,
And think it quite the best, for those
Who feel themselves refined.
Refined or not, we think it true
Our feet need some protection;
To do whate'er they have to do,
We make our own selection.
Select at all times the best we can,
Both of shoemakers as well as shoes,
This is much the better plan,
And learns us how to choose."
MY TAKE:
That's why department stores and shoe stores and Zappos.com were invented. So I can go there and buy the shoes I want. I don't have to make my own shoes, so I won't be reading about how to do so in an e-book, thank you very much.
So, what are some books you've seen or heard of that you've never read in a million years? Comment to add your own "un-favorites."
In doing my daily search for free e-books with which to further clutter up my Kindle on both Amazon.com and other free e-book sites, I have run across some truly diverse books, ranging from the completely absurd (I usually go for those) to the intriguing (I usually pick those up too) to the horribly mundane (if I buy those it's 'cause I fell asleep with my finger hovering over the "BUY" button by accident).
Rather than bore you with the weird (been there, done that!) or intriguing books I have downloaded, I figured it'd be way more entertaining to give you a few examples of the boring, stupid, and utterly pointless books that even I won't read. And that's saying something! So here we go...
1) Adventures In The Land Of Singing Garbage Trucks by Adam Tervort
DESCRIPTION:
"What happens when a normal guy from the Midwest finds himself on the other side of the world? How does one cope with the shock of spiders, snakes, and scooters seemingly around every turn? Adventures In The Land Of Singing Garbage Trucks is a memoir of a life in Taiwan by Adam Tervort, Midwesterner, Chinese-speaker, and arachnophobe extraordinaire."
MY TAKE:
Normally, an absurd title like this would pique my interest so much that I'd download it without even reading the description. But in this case, I was not too hasty and read what it was about, and was thoroughly unimpressed. Big whoop! A guy moves to Taiwan and is scared of spiders. Does it really take 41,812 words to tell that story? I just summarized it 10 words. No, thanks!
2) I Was Attacked By A Shark and (its companion piece) I Almost Died In The Grand Canyon by Ryan Barlow
DESCRIPTIONS:
Aren't they kind of irrelevant in this case?
MY TAKE:
First of all, neither of these would actually qualify as a "book." Both are simply articles taken from travel blogs in which the author was published. Secondly, why would I waste my time reading these "books" when the entire story is told in the title? Okay, he was attacked by a shark, and later (or earlier – whatever!) he almost died in the Grand Canyon. Obviously, he survived both because he wrote a "book" about each experience. Thirdly, what kind of rotten luck does this guy have to both be attacked by a shark and nearly die at a national landmark? I'm betting this is not coincidence and he's just making junk up to draw attention to himself. Finally, I can't and won't support (even by downloading his free books) an author who also wrote books called God Is Dead: My Fall From Fundamentalist Christianity and The Argument For Post-Term Abortion. Moving on...
3) How To Become A Successful Independent Female Escort by Ashly Lorenzana
DESCRIPTION:
"A short guide to starting out as a professional escort."
MY TAKE:
Well, first of all, I'm not female. So certain aspects of the book wouldn't really apply to me. Secondly, I am not now nor have I ever been nor do I ever aspire to be an escort, either as a professional or an amateur. So, yeah, not gonna be downloading or reading this one. Ever.
4) Shamanic Psychopomp: Guide Of Souls by F.J. Fritz
DESCRIPTION:
"Throughout time, the shaman has carried the responsibility of escorting the souls of kindred members to the realms of beyond. Today this service is still greatly needed. Although the knowledge of how to accomplish this task has faded as the close-knit tribal community has given way to modern civilization, shamanic practitioners are discovering the call to guide souls, or to act as a psychopomp, inadvertently through their ecstatic journeys..."
MY TAKE:
There's way more description where I left off, but that's enough for me. I agree with part of this book's title: It's definitely psycho. I don't claim to understand the tenets of whatever kind of religion this book is endorsing, but I know mumbo-jumbo when I hear it. I'll take a pass on the "Psychopomp."
5) Remembering 'Star Search' by Dave Rodway
DESCRIPTION:
"A story about the process of auditioning and performing on the national TV show Star Search with Ed McMahon."
MY TAKE:
I remember Star Search, too. Vaguely, because I was quite young when it was still on, but I do remember it. But I don't want to read a book about the process of auditioning and performing on the show. I'd rather just watch the first couple of episodes of a new season of American Idol. And I really don't want to do that either. So, no, I won't be reading this one – sorry, Dave!
6) Easy Gingerbread Tiki Hut by Lisa Turner Anderson
DESCRIPTION:
"Dreaming of the Caribbean? Well, building a fabulous gingerbread tiki hut is as easy as 1-2-3 with this no-bake take on the classic. This no-bake house is made from graham crackers and is put together with our secret recipe for royal icing! Includes pattern, simple step-by-step instructions, and a list of candy add-ons."
MY TAKE:
First of all, I don't often dream of the Caribbean; but if I did, I'd be dreaming of lying on a beautiful beach, the warm crystal-blue water tickling my toes, sipping a tall glass of ice-cold lemonade – not dreaming of constructing a tiki hut out of graham crackers. That thought probably wouldn't even rank in my Top 10 Caribbean Dreams. Secondly, my mama always told me: "Don't play with your food." Since I've always been fairly obedient in that respect, why spoil things now? Thirdly, I wouldn't want to risk losing what little self-respect I currently possess by making a gingerbread tiki hut and then showing it off to my friends. There are much better, less embarrassing ways to lose my self-respect, and I'd be more likely to try some of those first.
7) Little Mama's Family Secrets by Suzanne Apruzzese-Brame, Darlene Sirmans, and Connie Apruzzese
DESCRIPTION:
"Little Mama welcomes you to make your next meal experience the most flavorful it can be by making your family dishes of home-style proportions. This book includes recipes for main dishes, side dishes, desserts, and even drinks, all of which are true family favorites. If you really want to make your guests say 'WOW!' just make one of Little Mama's batches of Peanut Blossom cookies or some Stuffed Meatballs...One hundred percent of the profit from each sale will be donated to the fight against Domestic and Date Violence monetarily to the local domestic violence shelter for families."
MY TAKE:
Even if I were an avid cook (and I'm not), I wouldn't be diving into Little Mama's recipe book. First of all, Little Mama and her kitchen are more than a little scary-looking. If you disagree with that statement, that's okay. I just get creepy vibes from looking at her, that's all. Secondly, what's the big deal here? Are Little Mama's recipes really so distinctive that any good cook couldn't come up with these on their own? Every good cookbook needs a gimmick – what is Little Mama's? She could've gone with Little Mama's Creepy Cookbook or Little Mama's Redneck Remedies For Fast-Food Fanatics, or some such thing. Family Secrets is just boring – unless, of course, the "secret" is that the meat Little Mama uses is actually ground-up people parts like in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now THAT would be an interesting cookbook! Thirdly, it's a noble gesture to donate 100% of the profits of each book sale to domestic violence shelters, but that doesn't really do them much good if you're giving the book away for FREE! Think about that, Little Mama.
8) What Is HTML5? by Brett McLaughlin
DESCRIPTION:
"HTML5: Everyone's using it, nobody knows what it is. I realize that sounds more like a line out of an existential movie – maybe Waiting For Godot or a screenplay by Sartre – than a statement about HTML5. But it's really the truth: most of the people using HTML5 are treating it as HTML4+, or even worse, HTML4 (and some stuff they don't use). The result? A real delay in the paradigm shift that HTML5 is almost certain to bring. It's certainly not time to look away, because by the time you look back, you may have missed something really important: a subtle but important transition centered around HTML5."
MY TAKE:
Dear Mr. McLaughlin, Nobody cares about your stupid book. Predicting some doomsday "paradigm shift" if we all don't download your book and catch up with you and the rest of your computer-geek friends isn't going to make us download your stupid book. It's going to make us laugh at you behind your back, or maybe to your face, because you're stupid enough to actually care about whether the whole world knows and understands the difference between HTML5 and HTML4+ and whatever other numbers you tack onto "HTML." Short answer: We don't care. Most of us just want to know how to check our email and get on Facebook. The 1% of people worldwide who actually care about what you have to say about HTML5 probably already know all about it anyway. And they're probably making fun of you for that one comment you made on page 5 that was "so 2011!" Sorry, but it's true. Your book is irrelevant, sir. And I, for one, won't be reading it.
9) Sagen aus Sachsen by Unbekannter Verfasser
DESCRIPTION:
Bel diesem Werk handelt es sich um eine urheberrechsfreir Ausgabe. Der Kauf dieser Kindle-Edition beinhaltet die kostenlose, drahtlose Lieferung auf Ihren Kindle oder Ihre Kindle-Apps.
MY TAKE:
I don't speak German, so I have no clue what this book's about, much less how to read it. Good enough reason not to download it, eh?
10) How To Make A Shoe by John Parker Headley
"Shoemakers are known both far and wide,
As men who always cut up side –
Horse sometimes, also cow leather,
To meet the changes in the weather.
Sheep and goats are often slain;
Both unite to make it plain
That sheep is used for lining nice,
When goat alone would not suffice;
Just so with calf as well as kid.
Some use these linen-lined,
And think it quite the best, for those
Who feel themselves refined.
Refined or not, we think it true
Our feet need some protection;
To do whate'er they have to do,
We make our own selection.
Select at all times the best we can,
Both of shoemakers as well as shoes,
This is much the better plan,
And learns us how to choose."
MY TAKE:
That's why department stores and shoe stores and Zappos.com were invented. So I can go there and buy the shoes I want. I don't have to make my own shoes, so I won't be reading about how to do so in an e-book, thank you very much.
So, what are some books you've seen or heard of that you've never read in a million years? Comment to add your own "un-favorites."
Monday, March 26, 2012
Per Your Suggestion #2: "The Calligraphic Stenographer"
Today's story comes from a writing prompt suggested by my friend and fellow drama enthusiast, Bryce Kime. Bryce came up with several great titles for me – no back stories, no suggested story arcs, just titles – all of which, I think, have great potential to be interesting posts and/or stories. Hope you'll enjoy reading this one as much as I did in writing it!
"Are you getting all this?" Mr. Madham sighed impatiently.
"Yes, of course, sir," replied Windy. "It reads: 'Dr. Dash, It has come to our attention that your account is in our ears, and –"
"No, no, no, Miss Day!" Mr. Madham huffed. "I didn't say that his account was 'in our ears', I said it was 'in arrears'."
"'In our rears', sir? Are you sure about that?" Windy frowned at her boss disapprovingly.
"No, no, no!" Madham was nearly screaming now. "I said 'in arrears' – UH-REARS – do you know what that word means, Miss Day?"
"Can't say as I do, Mr. Madham." Wendy shrugged to further emphasize the fact. "Could you perhaps use it in a sentence?"
"I did use it in a sentence, Miss Day! The sentence you just took down! 'It has come to our attention that your account is in arrears!'" Madham slammed his fist on his desk in anger. Having forgotten momentarily that the desk was solid marble, he shook his wounded hand and continued. "The word is 'arrears', Miss Day! A-R-R-E-A-R-S. It means the account is past due. Dr. Dash owes us money!"
"But why?" Windy asked. "We didn't win the case. He was convicted of haberdashery."
"First of all, Miss Day, we didn't win or lose anything. I am the attorney here, you are my stenographer. Secondly, it doesn't matter whether or not I won the case – the client is still obligated to pay for my services. Thirdly, the man was not convicted of haberdashery. A haberdashery is a store that sells clothing, which is perfectly legal. Dr. Dash was convicted of harassment – he was making advances on his secretary, and –"
"Ooh, ooh, speaking of advances –" Windy interrupted excitedly. "I was hoping, sir – if you please – to get an advance on this week's paycheck. There's a one-day-only sale at Macy's tomorrow and, as you know, I could really use a new scarf."
Mr. Madham threw up his hands in disbelief. "And how would I know that?"
"Know what?" said Windy, innocently.
"That you needed a new scarf, Miss Day," Madham replied.
"Oh, that! Well, because I just told you, of course. So...?"
"So what, Miss Day?" Mr. Madham stood before her, hoping to intimidate Windy enough that she would just go away. He didn't know why he kept her on anyway. Sure, she answered his phone calls, managed his appointments, made excellent coffee, and wasn't at all bad to look at – but what did she do?
"So...how about that advance?" Windy smiled sweetly.
"Fine," Mr. Madham sighed, thoroughly exasperated. "Now can we please get back to the letter?"
"Certainly, Mr. Madham!" Windy picked up her pen, poised to write. "So far it reads: 'Dr. Dash, It has come to our attention that your account is in arrears –"
"Yes, of course," replied Mr. Madham. "'Your account is in arrears, and if we do not receive payment in full by the 20th of this month, we shall be forced' – What on earth are you doing, Miss Day?"
Madham had tried to ignore the scratching sound of Windy's pen on the page and the wild flourishes of ink she was scrawling across her notepad, but it was simply too much.
Windy looked up at him, confused. "What do you mean, sir? I'm taking down your letter. Just a sec, though, I'm a few words behind you. 'Do not receive payment in full –'"
"That's more than a few words, Miss Day, that's half a sentence!" Mr. Madham buried his face in his hands and sighed. He seemed to be doing a lot of sighing today.
"Well, good writing takes time, ya know," answered Windy. "And besides, you want it to look nice when Dr. Dash reads it, don't you?" With that, Windy held up the steno pad for her boss's approval.
Mr. Madham squinted at the page, which did indeed contain exactly the words he'd dictated, but in hardly the fashion he'd expected.
"Do you always write like that, Miss Day?" inquired Mr. Madham, astonished at the perfectly formed lettering. It reminded Madham of most wedding invitations he'd seen, but the words were somehow more beautiful – perhaps because they were his own?
"THE CALLIGRAPHIC STENOGRAPHER"
"Are you getting all this?" Mr. Madham sighed impatiently.
"Yes, of course, sir," replied Windy. "It reads: 'Dr. Dash, It has come to our attention that your account is in our ears, and –"
"No, no, no, Miss Day!" Mr. Madham huffed. "I didn't say that his account was 'in our ears', I said it was 'in arrears'."
"'In our rears', sir? Are you sure about that?" Windy frowned at her boss disapprovingly.
"No, no, no!" Madham was nearly screaming now. "I said 'in arrears' – UH-REARS – do you know what that word means, Miss Day?"
"Can't say as I do, Mr. Madham." Wendy shrugged to further emphasize the fact. "Could you perhaps use it in a sentence?"
"I did use it in a sentence, Miss Day! The sentence you just took down! 'It has come to our attention that your account is in arrears!'" Madham slammed his fist on his desk in anger. Having forgotten momentarily that the desk was solid marble, he shook his wounded hand and continued. "The word is 'arrears', Miss Day! A-R-R-E-A-R-S. It means the account is past due. Dr. Dash owes us money!"
"But why?" Windy asked. "We didn't win the case. He was convicted of haberdashery."
"First of all, Miss Day, we didn't win or lose anything. I am the attorney here, you are my stenographer. Secondly, it doesn't matter whether or not I won the case – the client is still obligated to pay for my services. Thirdly, the man was not convicted of haberdashery. A haberdashery is a store that sells clothing, which is perfectly legal. Dr. Dash was convicted of harassment – he was making advances on his secretary, and –"
"Ooh, ooh, speaking of advances –" Windy interrupted excitedly. "I was hoping, sir – if you please – to get an advance on this week's paycheck. There's a one-day-only sale at Macy's tomorrow and, as you know, I could really use a new scarf."
Mr. Madham threw up his hands in disbelief. "And how would I know that?"
"Know what?" said Windy, innocently.
"That you needed a new scarf, Miss Day," Madham replied.
"Oh, that! Well, because I just told you, of course. So...?"
"So what, Miss Day?" Mr. Madham stood before her, hoping to intimidate Windy enough that she would just go away. He didn't know why he kept her on anyway. Sure, she answered his phone calls, managed his appointments, made excellent coffee, and wasn't at all bad to look at – but what did she do?
"So...how about that advance?" Windy smiled sweetly.
"Fine," Mr. Madham sighed, thoroughly exasperated. "Now can we please get back to the letter?"
"Certainly, Mr. Madham!" Windy picked up her pen, poised to write. "So far it reads: 'Dr. Dash, It has come to our attention that your account is in arrears –"
"Yes, of course," replied Mr. Madham. "'Your account is in arrears, and if we do not receive payment in full by the 20th of this month, we shall be forced' – What on earth are you doing, Miss Day?"
Madham had tried to ignore the scratching sound of Windy's pen on the page and the wild flourishes of ink she was scrawling across her notepad, but it was simply too much.
Windy looked up at him, confused. "What do you mean, sir? I'm taking down your letter. Just a sec, though, I'm a few words behind you. 'Do not receive payment in full –'"
"That's more than a few words, Miss Day, that's half a sentence!" Mr. Madham buried his face in his hands and sighed. He seemed to be doing a lot of sighing today.
"Well, good writing takes time, ya know," answered Windy. "And besides, you want it to look nice when Dr. Dash reads it, don't you?" With that, Windy held up the steno pad for her boss's approval.
Mr. Madham squinted at the page, which did indeed contain exactly the words he'd dictated, but in hardly the fashion he'd expected.
Dr. Dash,
It has come to our attention that your account is in our ears our rears arrears, and if we do not receive payment in full by the 20th of this month, we shall be forced to
"Do you always write like that, Miss Day?" inquired Mr. Madham, astonished at the perfectly formed lettering. It reminded Madham of most wedding invitations he'd seen, but the words were somehow more beautiful – perhaps because they were his own?
"Of course, Mr. Madham," said Windy. "How else would you expect me to write?"
"Well, I just assumed – I mean, you're just taking down what I'm saying and then typing it up on your computer, right?" Mr. Madham was every bit as confused as Windy looked at this moment.
"The computer? You mean I'm supposed to use that thing?" Windy shook her head, disbelieving. "I thought that was just for show. You know, to make us look professional to our walk-in clients."
Mr. Madham frowned, furrowing his brow tightly. "So...let me get this straight, Miss Day. You have never used the computer at your desk?"
"Nope. I mean, nope, sir." Windy grinned sheepishly.
"And you've never typed up a single letter that I've dictated to you?"
"Not a one, sir!"
"Then, Miss Day," continued Mr. Madham. "You're saying that you've taken down every letter I've ever given you in this fancy-schmancy handwriting, and you've sent them all out like that?"
"Yes, sir, I have!" said Windy proudly.
"Incredible!" cried Mr. Madham. "Do you even know how to use a computer?"
"Not really," replied Windy. "But I have lots of friends who know how to use a computer. They tell me it's just wonderful!"
"Yes," said Mr. Madham, unable to answer her further.
How wonderful it must be, Madham thought. To live a life so uncomplicated, so free from enslaving technology. A life where all the thoughts inside your head are lettered in beautifully flowing lines and curves, and you don't even know the meaning of arrears or haberdashery. To be so blissfully simple and yet so refreshingly complex. What I wouldn't give to...
"What will you be forced to do?" Windy's voice interrupted the silence. She'd frowned as she noticed Mr. Madham staring at her intently, his thoughts a million miles away but apparently involving herself as well.
"Excuse me?" Mr. Madham blushed and looked away nervously.
"If you don't receive Dr. Dash's payment. What will you be forced to do?" Windy frowned slightly, awaiting his reply.
"Oh, of course! Well," Mr. Madham paused, pondering. "I shall be forced to take you out to lunch today."
"Huh?"
"Unless, of course, you have other plans," Madham said. He looked her straight in the eye, and continued. "You are remarkable, Miss Day."
"I don't have any plans for lunch," Windy replied, not knowing quite what to make of her boss's comment. "Though I was going to the post office to mail this letter once we finished it."
"The letter can wait." Madham smiled at his lovely stenographer, seeing her now as though for the first time.
"If you say so, Mr. Madham," Windy shrugged. "But if you try any funny business, I'll sue you for haberdashery!" She giggled unabashedly, taking the hand her boss had extended toward her.
POSTSCRIPT: The letter text above is supposed to show up in a fancy script font. I realized after the fact that it may not show up as such on everyone's computer, a fact which might cause the story to lose a lot of its punch, since a lot hinges on that epiphany. If you read the story and didn't "get it" because the font didn't show up right, I'm truly sorry. I'll try to figure how to fix this problem going forward.
POSTSCRIPT: The letter text above is supposed to show up in a fancy script font. I realized after the fact that it may not show up as such on everyone's computer, a fact which might cause the story to lose a lot of its punch, since a lot hinges on that epiphany. If you read the story and didn't "get it" because the font didn't show up right, I'm truly sorry. I'll try to figure how to fix this problem going forward.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Raining On My Parade
I know we need it
I know rain's good
But not when I'm stopping
To get fast food!
I roll down the window
To give them my order
Dumb prerecorded intro
I wish it was shorter!
I give them my debit card
Cash is too complicated
Even though there's an awning
I'm still inundated!
The food order picked up
I speed toward the exit
"I'm on the way, Hon"
It's not safe -- but I text it.
Leave the door open
I'm coming with dinner.
By the way, does this drenching
Make me look thinner?
Settle down to the keyboard
I've got to type faster
Or I'll lose this idea
About my fast-food disaster.
I'm running out of day
To get in my blog post
Yes, I know I'm dripping
I should probably change clothes.
I'm going! I'm going!
But first let me hit "Publish"
I'll check later for spelling
And improper English.
Once I'm in dry clothes
I can now eat my food
I know we need rain
But right now is not good!
I know rain's good
But not when I'm stopping
To get fast food!
I roll down the window
To give them my order
Dumb prerecorded intro
I wish it was shorter!
I give them my debit card
Cash is too complicated
Even though there's an awning
I'm still inundated!
The food order picked up
I speed toward the exit
"I'm on the way, Hon"
It's not safe -- but I text it.
Leave the door open
I'm coming with dinner.
By the way, does this drenching
Make me look thinner?
Settle down to the keyboard
I've got to type faster
Or I'll lose this idea
About my fast-food disaster.
I'm running out of day
To get in my blog post
Yes, I know I'm dripping
I should probably change clothes.
I'm going! I'm going!
But first let me hit "Publish"
I'll check later for spelling
And improper English.
Once I'm in dry clothes
I can now eat my food
I know we need rain
But right now is not good!
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