Dear Baby Hill,
Today is the big day! This afternoon, your mom and I – and you, too, of course – will go to the doctor's office. The lady with the gel-coated wand will rub it over your mom's tummy and we will get to see "live" pictures of you inside of her. Now, you may not remember it, because your brain was still developing at the time, but we've already been through this once before. Six weeks ago, as a matter of fact. The ultrasound technician (which is a fancy name for the lady with the wand) tried and tried to see whether you are a boy or a girl, but to no avail (which is a fancy phrase meaning "nothing happened"). Apparently, you wanted to keep your mom and dad in suspense for at least six more weeks, so you made sure that the umbilical cord was tucked demurely between your tiny little legs. The lady with the wand said you looked healthy as far as she could tell. She just couldn't tell what you are. Not that it matters to me or your mom whether you're a girl or a boy. We don't have all our hopes pinned on having either a boy or a girl – we just want you to be healthy. But it would still be nice to know ahead of time. I know you don't understand things like this yet – and to be quite honest, neither do I – but there are things, like the color of the walls of your nursery, and the color of clothes that people will buy for you to wear – that matter to a lot of people. Granted, I get the clothes thing more than the wall color, but still. The point is, there are a lot of people besides just your mom and dad who are eager to know what sex – or gender, if you prefer – you are. There's your Grandpa and Grandma Hill, your Grandma Collins, your Grandpa and Grandma Cobb, your Aunt Rudypants (that's not her real name, but we call her that because we like her), and your Aunt Leigh Ann (no "pants" suffix for her, though we do like her), just to name a few. Other people keep asking us, too, what your mom and I are going to have. All we can say now is "a baby." It's kind of embarrassing, frankly. Other people that we know who are slightly less pregnant or slightly more pregnant than your mom already know what they're having. They've even picked out names for their little bundles of joy. We've thought up some good possible names for you too, but we don't want to get too attached to them just yet. Not until we find out whether you're a boy or a girl. Which brings me back to the point of all this. This afternoon, when we go to the doctor's office, your mom and I are going to need you to do some things for us. Simple things, really. It's as easy as 1-2-3 (these are numbers, by the way – you'll learn these soon enough, and if you're anything like your dad, you'll hate them). Anyway, back to the three things:
1) Feel free to move about the womb. This will not only help the lady with the wand to see you more clearly, it will also give us more grainy-but-beautiful snapshots of you growing inside your mommy's tummy that we can show off to our family and friends.
2) Be nice to the lady with the wand. I'm sure she gets paid well enough to do her job, but that's no reason to make it harder on her. Remember, she's just trying to make sure you're growing at the proper rate, and that all your important parts are present and accounted for and are functioning like they're supposed to.
3) Don't be shy – spread 'em! It's highly likely that your mom and I will never ask you to do this again, especially not after you're born. But today – today, it's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. We want you to. Be an exhibitionist – just this once. You have nothing to hide from the lady with the wand.
Finally, if for some reason you choose – once again, I might add – to be stubborn and/or to disobey your parents before you even step foot on the earth, and the lady with the wand is unable to determine (which is a fancy word for "find out") whether you are a girl or a boy, fret not. We will not hate you. We could never hate you. But we may be disappointed. Again. And we might sigh a little. Maybe a lot.
So, please, do whatever you have to do to show off for the lady with the wand. And we will do whatever we have to do to be patient if you don't.
Love,
Your dad
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
"What'll It Be?", "Guess What?", and "Show Yourself": Three New Suspiciously-Titled Drabbles
In case you hadn't figured it out already, I really love writing drabbles. These 100-word short-shorts are challenging but fun! To tell a somewhat-complete story in so few words is something I would have found quite impossible to do even a year ago. But challenging myself to be concise while still making sense has actually improved my writing skills. (In my opinion, at least.) I've always been a fan of good dialogue, and have thought that I write pretty decent dialogue myself. Two of today's drabbles are dialogue-driven – the characters' spoken words tell the tales – while the other story is more traditionally. Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them! ~ JH
"WHAT'LL IT BE?"
Guy walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "What'll it be?"
Guy says, "I'm not here to drink."
Bartender says, "What're you here to do?"
Guy says, "To think."
Bartender says, "Then think somewhere else. Park's nice and quiet. They got benches."
Guy says, "Thanks, I prefer stools."
Bartender says, "Good to know. But if you ain't drinking, you're walking."
Guy says, "I don't drink."
Bartender says, "Then don't let the door bruise your backside when you leave! What's a young fellow like you got to think about anyway?"
Guy says, "How to tell you that I'm your son."
Bartender faints.
"GUESS WHAT?"
"Guess what?"
(My little brother loves playing this stupid game.)
"I dunno. What?"
"Guess."
"I don't wanna guess."
Little brother frowns. "Guess!"
"Bellbottoms are back in style."
"What're bellbottoms?"
"Funny pants," I say. "Am I right?"
"How should I know?" Little brother huffs. "Guess!"
"I just did."
"You were wrong. Guess again!"
"Scientists discovered life on Jupiter," I drone drolly.
"They did?"
(He's hopeless.)
"I dunno, I was guessing," I say.
"Guess again!"
"This could go on forever!" I complain.
"Not if you guess right," he reminds me.
"Today's your birthday?"
"How did you know?" he gasps.
"I know everything."
"SHOW YOURSELF"
Somehow he knows I'm hiding in the barrel. Maybe he can smell my fear. Or my flesh.
"Show yourself!" He cries out. He's closer now.
I keep quiet. I have no weapons. Only my wit, and it hasn't been sharpened recently.
My heart's beating loudly. I'm sure he can hear it.
"Show yourself!" He yells again. This time he's right beside me.
I don't know what to do. If he finds me, I'm dead. If I stay in this barrel, I'm dead. Even now I can feel the acid melting away my skin.
I have no choice.
"I'm in here..."
Monday, September 17, 2012
Fascinating Facts About Our Feathery Friends, The Flamingos
As frequent readers of this blog will attest, I am fascinated by unusual animals, and will often spend an entire blog post relaying oddball facts about said animal. Today's post is further proof of that.
When you think of flamingos (yes, the plural is "flamingos", although "flamingoes" is also correct), what's the first thing that comes to your mind? For many of us – myself included – the first image that we think about might be of the tacky plastic flamingos that adorn the yards of people with questionable taste.
Well, it's my aim to give you a few other things to think about in regards to flamingos. And here we go...
1) There are six known species of flamingos in the world today. The Greater Flamingo is the most widespread, dwelling in parts of Africa, Southern Europe, Southern Asia, and Southwest Asia. The Lesser Flamingo is found from the Great Rift Valley in Africa to Northwest India, and is the most numerous species of flamingos. The Chilean Flamingo is most commonly found in the temperate southernmost regions of South America. Both the James's and Andean Flamingos are found in the High Andes in Peru, Chile, Bolivia, and Argentina. The Caribbean Flamingo dwells in the Caribbean and Galapagos Islands.
2) No one's really sure why flamingos stand on one leg with the other leg tucked beneath the body. Some researchers think that standing on one leg may allow the flamingos to conserve body heat, since they spend a significant amount of time wading in cold water. Some flamingos have the ability to have half their bodies go into a state of sleep; when one side is rested, the flamingo will swap legs and let the other half sleep – though this has not been proven.
3) Flamingos get their vibrant coloring from the beta carotene in their diet. Flamingos filter-feed on brine shrimp and blue-green algae. This food is full of aqueous bacteria and beta carotene (the same substance that gives carrots their bright orange color).
4) Pale flamingos don't date much. A well-fed, healthy flamingo is more brightly colored and is thus a more desirable mate. A white or pale flamingo is usually unhealthy or malnourished, and is thereby considered less likely to make a good mate.
5) Flamingos are extremely social creatures, living in colonies that can number in the thousands. These large colonies are believed to serve three major purposes for the flamingos: avoidance of predators, maximized food intake, and the exploitation of suitable nesting sites (which can be quite scarce). Flamingos' most basic and stable social unit are pair bonds, which are made up of one male and one female.
6) Flamingos feed their young by vomiting in their mouths. Or something like that. Flamingos produce crop milk (a secretion from the glands lining the upper digestive tract) and regurgitate it into the mouths of their eager chicks. This crop milk – which, incidentally, is nothing like mammals' milk – contains lots of fat, some protein, and red and white blood cells which help nourish the young birds.
7) Ancient Egyptians used to worship flamingos. The Egyptians considered the flamingo to be the living representation of the god Ra. Go figure!
8) In Ancient Rome, flamingo tongue was considered a delicacy. Indeed, the tongue of a flamingo was a highly prized dish for Caesars and other toga-wearing freaks. But, thankfully, this is a thing of the past – no modern culture is known to eat the tongue of the flamingo these days.
9a) The flamingo is the national bird of The Bahamas. This stands to reason, since American Flamingos are known to thrive in that island nation. They even put them on their coins.
9b) The plastic flamingo is the official city bird of Madison, Wisconsin. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up! I guess the city of Madison has collectively realized that the first step to conquering a serious problem like terminal tackiness is to admit that you have a problem.
10) Andean miners think that flamingo fat holds the cure for tuberculosis. It doesn't, by the way. The thing is, to get to this fat, they're killing the flamingos. Wouldn't it save everyone – the flamingos included – a lot of trouble if the tubercular miners just cautiously approached the birds, and allowed the flamingos to barf in their mouths? Makes sense to me.
When you think of flamingos (yes, the plural is "flamingos", although "flamingoes" is also correct), what's the first thing that comes to your mind? For many of us – myself included – the first image that we think about might be of the tacky plastic flamingos that adorn the yards of people with questionable taste.
Well, it's my aim to give you a few other things to think about in regards to flamingos. And here we go...
1) There are six known species of flamingos in the world today. The Greater Flamingo is the most widespread, dwelling in parts of Africa, Southern Europe, Southern Asia, and Southwest Asia. The Lesser Flamingo is found from the Great Rift Valley in Africa to Northwest India, and is the most numerous species of flamingos. The Chilean Flamingo is most commonly found in the temperate southernmost regions of South America. Both the James's and Andean Flamingos are found in the High Andes in Peru, Chile, Bolivia, and Argentina. The Caribbean Flamingo dwells in the Caribbean and Galapagos Islands.
 |
| American Flamingos |
2) No one's really sure why flamingos stand on one leg with the other leg tucked beneath the body. Some researchers think that standing on one leg may allow the flamingos to conserve body heat, since they spend a significant amount of time wading in cold water. Some flamingos have the ability to have half their bodies go into a state of sleep; when one side is rested, the flamingo will swap legs and let the other half sleep – though this has not been proven.
 |
| I'll bet flamingos would be good at playing "Twister." |
3) Flamingos get their vibrant coloring from the beta carotene in their diet. Flamingos filter-feed on brine shrimp and blue-green algae. This food is full of aqueous bacteria and beta carotene (the same substance that gives carrots their bright orange color).
 |
| Their future's so bright, you gotta wear shades. |
4) Pale flamingos don't date much. A well-fed, healthy flamingo is more brightly colored and is thus a more desirable mate. A white or pale flamingo is usually unhealthy or malnourished, and is thereby considered less likely to make a good mate.
 |
| They never call, they never text, they won't even follow me on Twitter. Oh, woe is me and my pale exterior! |
5) Flamingos are extremely social creatures, living in colonies that can number in the thousands. These large colonies are believed to serve three major purposes for the flamingos: avoidance of predators, maximized food intake, and the exploitation of suitable nesting sites (which can be quite scarce). Flamingos' most basic and stable social unit are pair bonds, which are made up of one male and one female.
 |
| Birds with pink feathers, flock to....well, you know the rest. |
6) Flamingos feed their young by vomiting in their mouths. Or something like that. Flamingos produce crop milk (a secretion from the glands lining the upper digestive tract) and regurgitate it into the mouths of their eager chicks. This crop milk – which, incidentally, is nothing like mammals' milk – contains lots of fat, some protein, and red and white blood cells which help nourish the young birds.
7) Ancient Egyptians used to worship flamingos. The Egyptians considered the flamingo to be the living representation of the god Ra. Go figure!
 |
| Doesn't look much like a flamingo to me. I dunno, maybe a little bit around the eyes? |
8) In Ancient Rome, flamingo tongue was considered a delicacy. Indeed, the tongue of a flamingo was a highly prized dish for Caesars and other toga-wearing freaks. But, thankfully, this is a thing of the past – no modern culture is known to eat the tongue of the flamingo these days.
 |
| Open up and say AHHH...wait, what are you doing with that knife? |
9a) The flamingo is the national bird of The Bahamas. This stands to reason, since American Flamingos are known to thrive in that island nation. They even put them on their coins.
 |
| Cha-ching! |
9b) The plastic flamingo is the official city bird of Madison, Wisconsin. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up! I guess the city of Madison has collectively realized that the first step to conquering a serious problem like terminal tackiness is to admit that you have a problem.
 |
| Some random lady at the University of Wisconsin campus posing with fake birds. |
10) Andean miners think that flamingo fat holds the cure for tuberculosis. It doesn't, by the way. The thing is, to get to this fat, they're killing the flamingos. Wouldn't it save everyone – the flamingos included – a lot of trouble if the tubercular miners just cautiously approached the birds, and allowed the flamingos to barf in their mouths? Makes sense to me.
 |
¿Crees que realmente permitirá un flamenco
de vomitar en mi boca? ¡No lo creo!
|
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Is There Life After "Ernest" Movies?
I'll admit it. I'm not a huge fan of "low-brow" comedy. I like smartly written comedies that actually have a decent plot, and aren't riddled with crude humor, stale gags, and bad acting. These kinds of movies are quite popular and generally do well at the box office. But they simply don't interest me.
One of the few exceptions to my "rule" are Jim Varney's "Ernest" movies. Yes, I know, they're ridiculously stupid, there's hardly any plot, and -- aside from Varney himself -- they aren't particularly well-acted. But I grew up watching these movies, and I still like them. I can't honestly throw all the "Ernest" movies into the same boat and say they're all great. I like Ernest Goes To Camp, Ernest Saves Christmas, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Scared Stupid. I don't at all care for Ernest Rides Again, Ernest Goes To School, Slam Dunk Ernest, Ernest Goes To Africa, or Ernest In The Army. In fact, these last five I've only seen once, and refuse to watch again because they were so bad.
Which got me thinking...(a dangerous pastime, I know)...I wonder how good or how bad of a career move it was for actors to take a part in an "Ernest" movie.
Some well-established actors have acted in "Ernest" movies, probably for one of two reasons:
1) They figured they were successful enough already in their careers that starring in a low-brow comedy like an "Ernest" movie would neither make or break them as an actor.
2) Their career had already reached such a low point that they would take whatever parts came their way.
In many cases, new and less-experienced actors have taken parts in "Ernest" movies, hoping to get their talents recognized so that more lucrative roles might come their way.
So I wondered...did it work? Did the veteran actors ruin their careers by being in "Ernest" movies, or were they unaffected? Did the new actors go on to have long, successful careers in show business, or did they fade into obscurity? Let's find out...
NOTE: I only bothered to check out the "Ernest" movies I actually like -- it would take too much time and effort to do all the crappy movies, too.
1) Victoria Racimo, who played "Nurse St. Cloud", went on to appear in one episode of Doogie Howser, M.D., two episodes of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, an obscure TV movie, and a sequel to a remake of White Fang (did Jack London actually write a sequel to White Fang, or is this just a Hollywood thing)? VERDICT: Racimo had enjoyed a 15-year career in film and television prior to Ernest Goes To Camp, and did very little thereafter. This movie was a career killer for her.
2) John Vernon was already a 30-year veteran in show business when he played "Sherman Krader" in the film. He continued to act regularly in films and television for the next eighteen years until his death in 2005. VERDICT: Vernon's career was unaffected by acting in an "Ernest" movie.
3) Iron Eyes Cody, who played "Chief St. Cloud" in the film, was 80 years old when this film was released. It was his 200th appearance in a film or TV show. Though Cody lived 12 years after Ernest Goes To Camp, it was his last appearance in a film or television show. VERDICT: Being in an "Ernest" movie didn't kill Cody's career. He was just really old, and it was time to retire. And so he did.
4) Gailard Sartain, who played the chef, went on to co-star in two more "Ernest" movies (Saves Christmas and Goes To Jail), but that wasn't all he did. Sartain also acted in films like Mississippi Burning, Fried Green Tomatoes, Ali, and Elizabethtown, as well as guest-starring in several acclaimed TV shows. VERDICT: "Ernest" may have made him a semi-star, but it didn't hamper Sartain's career. He did just fine afterwards.
1) Douglas Seale, who played "Santa" in this film, had appeared in a few movies and TV shows in the '30s and '40s, but didn't act again onscreen until the '80s, during which he was quite busy. After starring in Ernest Saves Christmas, Seale went on to guest-star in episodes of Family Ties and The Golden Girls, and act in blockbuster films like Ghostbusters II, The Rescuers Down Under, and Aladdin (yes, that Aladdin!). VERDICT: Seale was an established actor by the time he appeared in this movie. He enjoyed considerable success afterwards. "Ernest" didn't kill his career in the least.
2) Oliver Clark, who played "Joe Carruthers," was a 25-year veteran of film and television prior to acting in this movie. He later had guest spots on hit TV series like Life Goes On, The Golden Girls, Full House, and Walker, Texas Ranger. He also acted in several films, including Mystery Men, Crazy In Alabama, and Lost Souls. VERDICT: Clark's career wasn't hurt or helped by being in an "Ernest" movie.
3) Noelle Parker, who played "Harmony," was an up-and-coming child actor when she appeared in this film. She'd enjoyed roles in a few notable films and TV show prior to "Ernest," but her career fairly thrived afterwards. Parker appeared in hit shows like Beverly Hills 90210, thirtysomething, Law And Order, NYPD Blue, Sisters, Early Edition, and Touched By An Angel. Parker stopped acting in the early 2000s, but by all indications it was by choice and not because she couldn't get work. VERDICT: Being in an "Ernest" movie quite possibly helped Parker's career. Go figure!
1) Barbara Tyson (then known as Barbara Bush) played "Charlotte Sparrow" in this film. Though she had previously appeared in episodes of 8 different TV series, this was her first film for the big screen. Though Tyson hasn't made many feature films since "Ernest," she has appeared in quite a few TV series, including Alien Nation, Blossom, ER, Poltergeist: The Legacy, Nash Bridges, The Outer Limits, The 4400, and Fringe (apparently she likes being in sci-fi shows!). VERDICT: Being in an "Ernest" movie helped Tyson's career quite a bit, too.
2) Barry Scott, who played "Rubin Bartlett," had appeared in two obscure movies prior to Ernest Goes To Jail. Afterwards, he acted in the next "Ernest" movie (Scared Stupid), guest-starred in TV series I'll Fly Away and In The Heat Of The Night, and appeared in a few other obscure films and TV shows. VERDICT: Scott's career never really took off before or after "Ernest." The film may or may not have hurt his career, but nonetheless his acting roles were few and far between thereafter.
3) Charles Napier, who played the Warden, was a 22-year veteran of film and television by the time he appeared in this "Ernest" movie. Why he signed up to do it is anybody's guess, because he had worked steadily for many years, and couldn't have been desperate for parts. Fortunately for Napier, acting in this movie didn't stall his career -- not by a long shot. Napier went on to star in several hit movies, including The Silence Of The Lambs, Philadelphia, Austin Powers, and The Nutty Professor II, among others. He also appeared in a number of hit TV shows, including L.A. Law, Murder She Wrote, Lois & Clark, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Party Of Five, Walker Texas Ranger, The Simpsons, Cold Case, and CSI. VERDICT: Napier didn't need to do an "Ernest" movie, but it didn't hurt his career. If anything, his presence in it might have put a few more seats in the movie theater.
1) Eartha Kitt, who played "Old Lady Hackmore" in the film, had already enjoyed a long career in show business, both as a singer and as an actress. As an actress, she'd appeared in a variety of hit TV shows, including I Spy, Mission: Impossible, Batman, Police Woman, and Miami Vice, as well as several movies. After "Ernest," Kitt had roles in Boomerang, Harriet The Spy, and The Emperor's New Groove, among others, and also acted in several more TV shows. VERDICT: "Ernest" didn't kill Kitt's career. Nothing ever really did. She worked in show business in seven different decades until her death.
2) Shay Astar, who played "Elizabeth," was a newcomer to show business and a budding child actress. She'd appeared in episodes of Jake And The Fatman and China Beach prior to "Ernest." After "Ernest," Astar had guest-starring spots in hit TV shows such as Designing Women, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Quantum Leap, Boy Meets World, ER, Days Of Our Lives, and 3rd Rock From The Sun. She's also appeared in a handful of movies and lesser-known TV series. VERDICT: Astar may be the biggest success story of anyone in this list. Inane as the movie may have been, it jump-started a career which appears to be ongoing for the foreseeable future.
3) Child actors Austin Nagler ("Kenny"), Richard Woolf ("Matt"), Nick Victory ("Mike"), Alec Klapper ("Joey"), and Steven Moriyon ("Gregg") acted only in Ernest Scared Stupid. These five youngsters appeared in no movies or TV shows before or after Ernest Scared Stupid, and -- with the exception of Klapper, who has continued to work sporadically in films as an additional photographer and set production assistant -- they all appear to be out of show business altogether. VERDICT: Being in Ernest Scared Stupid did absolutely nothing for these kids. It did not boost their careers, did not continue their careers, and may in fact have killed their careers.
The question begs, then, what did "Ernest" do for the career of the man who played him, Jim Varney? Well, it basically defined his career and made him a star. Prior to making "Ernest" films, Varney played the character in a number of TV commercials and a couple of TV shows (primarily aimed at children). He then portrayed "Ernest P. Worrell" in 9 feature films, all with varying degrees of box-office success (a couple of the later movies actually went straight to video -- this was before DVD's were widespread). Varney did play other characters, though not many people remember those roles as readily. He was "Jed Clampett" in the 1993 film adaptation of The Beverly Hillbillies. Varney was the voice of "Slinky Dog" in both Toy Story and Toy Story 2. He had a two-episode guest-starring role as Jackie's love interest, Prince Carlos, in the hit TV series Roseanne. Varney also voiced "Cookie Farnsworth" in the Disney animated film Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Varney died in 2000 at age 50 from lung cancer, only two years after the last "Ernest" movie was released. Might he have made more "Ernest" movies if he had lived? Possibly. He almost certainly would have continued working in films and television in some aspect. VERDICT: "Ernest" may have made Varney a star, but his talent was much bigger than the goofy character he played for all those years. If only he'd had more years on earth to prove it...
One of the few exceptions to my "rule" are Jim Varney's "Ernest" movies. Yes, I know, they're ridiculously stupid, there's hardly any plot, and -- aside from Varney himself -- they aren't particularly well-acted. But I grew up watching these movies, and I still like them. I can't honestly throw all the "Ernest" movies into the same boat and say they're all great. I like Ernest Goes To Camp, Ernest Saves Christmas, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Scared Stupid. I don't at all care for Ernest Rides Again, Ernest Goes To School, Slam Dunk Ernest, Ernest Goes To Africa, or Ernest In The Army. In fact, these last five I've only seen once, and refuse to watch again because they were so bad.
Which got me thinking...(a dangerous pastime, I know)...I wonder how good or how bad of a career move it was for actors to take a part in an "Ernest" movie.
Some well-established actors have acted in "Ernest" movies, probably for one of two reasons:
1) They figured they were successful enough already in their careers that starring in a low-brow comedy like an "Ernest" movie would neither make or break them as an actor.
2) Their career had already reached such a low point that they would take whatever parts came their way.
In many cases, new and less-experienced actors have taken parts in "Ernest" movies, hoping to get their talents recognized so that more lucrative roles might come their way.
So I wondered...did it work? Did the veteran actors ruin their careers by being in "Ernest" movies, or were they unaffected? Did the new actors go on to have long, successful careers in show business, or did they fade into obscurity? Let's find out...
NOTE: I only bothered to check out the "Ernest" movies I actually like -- it would take too much time and effort to do all the crappy movies, too.
ERNEST GOES TO CAMP
1) Victoria Racimo, who played "Nurse St. Cloud", went on to appear in one episode of Doogie Howser, M.D., two episodes of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, an obscure TV movie, and a sequel to a remake of White Fang (did Jack London actually write a sequel to White Fang, or is this just a Hollywood thing)? VERDICT: Racimo had enjoyed a 15-year career in film and television prior to Ernest Goes To Camp, and did very little thereafter. This movie was a career killer for her.
2) John Vernon was already a 30-year veteran in show business when he played "Sherman Krader" in the film. He continued to act regularly in films and television for the next eighteen years until his death in 2005. VERDICT: Vernon's career was unaffected by acting in an "Ernest" movie.
3) Iron Eyes Cody, who played "Chief St. Cloud" in the film, was 80 years old when this film was released. It was his 200th appearance in a film or TV show. Though Cody lived 12 years after Ernest Goes To Camp, it was his last appearance in a film or television show. VERDICT: Being in an "Ernest" movie didn't kill Cody's career. He was just really old, and it was time to retire. And so he did.
4) Gailard Sartain, who played the chef, went on to co-star in two more "Ernest" movies (Saves Christmas and Goes To Jail), but that wasn't all he did. Sartain also acted in films like Mississippi Burning, Fried Green Tomatoes, Ali, and Elizabethtown, as well as guest-starring in several acclaimed TV shows. VERDICT: "Ernest" may have made him a semi-star, but it didn't hamper Sartain's career. He did just fine afterwards.
ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS
1) Douglas Seale, who played "Santa" in this film, had appeared in a few movies and TV shows in the '30s and '40s, but didn't act again onscreen until the '80s, during which he was quite busy. After starring in Ernest Saves Christmas, Seale went on to guest-star in episodes of Family Ties and The Golden Girls, and act in blockbuster films like Ghostbusters II, The Rescuers Down Under, and Aladdin (yes, that Aladdin!). VERDICT: Seale was an established actor by the time he appeared in this movie. He enjoyed considerable success afterwards. "Ernest" didn't kill his career in the least.
2) Oliver Clark, who played "Joe Carruthers," was a 25-year veteran of film and television prior to acting in this movie. He later had guest spots on hit TV series like Life Goes On, The Golden Girls, Full House, and Walker, Texas Ranger. He also acted in several films, including Mystery Men, Crazy In Alabama, and Lost Souls. VERDICT: Clark's career wasn't hurt or helped by being in an "Ernest" movie.
3) Noelle Parker, who played "Harmony," was an up-and-coming child actor when she appeared in this film. She'd enjoyed roles in a few notable films and TV show prior to "Ernest," but her career fairly thrived afterwards. Parker appeared in hit shows like Beverly Hills 90210, thirtysomething, Law And Order, NYPD Blue, Sisters, Early Edition, and Touched By An Angel. Parker stopped acting in the early 2000s, but by all indications it was by choice and not because she couldn't get work. VERDICT: Being in an "Ernest" movie quite possibly helped Parker's career. Go figure!
ERNEST GOES TO JAIL
1) Barbara Tyson (then known as Barbara Bush) played "Charlotte Sparrow" in this film. Though she had previously appeared in episodes of 8 different TV series, this was her first film for the big screen. Though Tyson hasn't made many feature films since "Ernest," she has appeared in quite a few TV series, including Alien Nation, Blossom, ER, Poltergeist: The Legacy, Nash Bridges, The Outer Limits, The 4400, and Fringe (apparently she likes being in sci-fi shows!). VERDICT: Being in an "Ernest" movie helped Tyson's career quite a bit, too.
2) Barry Scott, who played "Rubin Bartlett," had appeared in two obscure movies prior to Ernest Goes To Jail. Afterwards, he acted in the next "Ernest" movie (Scared Stupid), guest-starred in TV series I'll Fly Away and In The Heat Of The Night, and appeared in a few other obscure films and TV shows. VERDICT: Scott's career never really took off before or after "Ernest." The film may or may not have hurt his career, but nonetheless his acting roles were few and far between thereafter.
3) Charles Napier, who played the Warden, was a 22-year veteran of film and television by the time he appeared in this "Ernest" movie. Why he signed up to do it is anybody's guess, because he had worked steadily for many years, and couldn't have been desperate for parts. Fortunately for Napier, acting in this movie didn't stall his career -- not by a long shot. Napier went on to star in several hit movies, including The Silence Of The Lambs, Philadelphia, Austin Powers, and The Nutty Professor II, among others. He also appeared in a number of hit TV shows, including L.A. Law, Murder She Wrote, Lois & Clark, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Party Of Five, Walker Texas Ranger, The Simpsons, Cold Case, and CSI. VERDICT: Napier didn't need to do an "Ernest" movie, but it didn't hurt his career. If anything, his presence in it might have put a few more seats in the movie theater.
ERNEST SCARED STUPID
1) Eartha Kitt, who played "Old Lady Hackmore" in the film, had already enjoyed a long career in show business, both as a singer and as an actress. As an actress, she'd appeared in a variety of hit TV shows, including I Spy, Mission: Impossible, Batman, Police Woman, and Miami Vice, as well as several movies. After "Ernest," Kitt had roles in Boomerang, Harriet The Spy, and The Emperor's New Groove, among others, and also acted in several more TV shows. VERDICT: "Ernest" didn't kill Kitt's career. Nothing ever really did. She worked in show business in seven different decades until her death.
2) Shay Astar, who played "Elizabeth," was a newcomer to show business and a budding child actress. She'd appeared in episodes of Jake And The Fatman and China Beach prior to "Ernest." After "Ernest," Astar had guest-starring spots in hit TV shows such as Designing Women, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Quantum Leap, Boy Meets World, ER, Days Of Our Lives, and 3rd Rock From The Sun. She's also appeared in a handful of movies and lesser-known TV series. VERDICT: Astar may be the biggest success story of anyone in this list. Inane as the movie may have been, it jump-started a career which appears to be ongoing for the foreseeable future.
3) Child actors Austin Nagler ("Kenny"), Richard Woolf ("Matt"), Nick Victory ("Mike"), Alec Klapper ("Joey"), and Steven Moriyon ("Gregg") acted only in Ernest Scared Stupid. These five youngsters appeared in no movies or TV shows before or after Ernest Scared Stupid, and -- with the exception of Klapper, who has continued to work sporadically in films as an additional photographer and set production assistant -- they all appear to be out of show business altogether. VERDICT: Being in Ernest Scared Stupid did absolutely nothing for these kids. It did not boost their careers, did not continue their careers, and may in fact have killed their careers.
WHAT ABOUT "ERNEST" HIMSELF?
The question begs, then, what did "Ernest" do for the career of the man who played him, Jim Varney? Well, it basically defined his career and made him a star. Prior to making "Ernest" films, Varney played the character in a number of TV commercials and a couple of TV shows (primarily aimed at children). He then portrayed "Ernest P. Worrell" in 9 feature films, all with varying degrees of box-office success (a couple of the later movies actually went straight to video -- this was before DVD's were widespread). Varney did play other characters, though not many people remember those roles as readily. He was "Jed Clampett" in the 1993 film adaptation of The Beverly Hillbillies. Varney was the voice of "Slinky Dog" in both Toy Story and Toy Story 2. He had a two-episode guest-starring role as Jackie's love interest, Prince Carlos, in the hit TV series Roseanne. Varney also voiced "Cookie Farnsworth" in the Disney animated film Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Varney died in 2000 at age 50 from lung cancer, only two years after the last "Ernest" movie was released. Might he have made more "Ernest" movies if he had lived? Possibly. He almost certainly would have continued working in films and television in some aspect. VERDICT: "Ernest" may have made Varney a star, but his talent was much bigger than the goofy character he played for all those years. If only he'd had more years on earth to prove it...
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Interesting Quotes By People Born On This Day
1) "Without stones there is no arch." ~ Marco Polo, explorer
2) "One forgives to the degree that one loves." ~ François de La Rochefoucauld, writer
3) "Everybody says it, and what everybody says must be true." ~ James Fenimore Cooper, novelist
4) "I think I might as well give up being a candidate. There are so many people in the country who don't like me." ~ William Howard Taft, U.S. President
5) "I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." ~ Robert Benchley, humorist
6) "If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything." ~ Claude McKay, poet
7) "I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." ~ Agatha Christie, novelist
8) "Is it possible to succeed without any act of betrayal?" ~ Jean Renoir, film director
9) "Don't be a blueprint. Be an original." ~ Roy Acuff, country music singer/musician
10) "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." ~ Merlin Olsen, athlete/actor
11) "You've got to give something back. You can't just sit there." ~ Harry, Prince of Wales
12) "How do you get rid of hiccups? Drink water upside-down and put a pencil in your mouth? Is that possible?" ~ Heidi Montag, idiot
2) "One forgives to the degree that one loves." ~ François de La Rochefoucauld, writer
3) "Everybody says it, and what everybody says must be true." ~ James Fenimore Cooper, novelist
4) "I think I might as well give up being a candidate. There are so many people in the country who don't like me." ~ William Howard Taft, U.S. President
5) "I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." ~ Robert Benchley, humorist
6) "If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything." ~ Claude McKay, poet
7) "I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." ~ Agatha Christie, novelist
8) "Is it possible to succeed without any act of betrayal?" ~ Jean Renoir, film director
9) "Don't be a blueprint. Be an original." ~ Roy Acuff, country music singer/musician
10) "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." ~ Merlin Olsen, athlete/actor
11) "You've got to give something back. You can't just sit there." ~ Harry, Prince of Wales
12) "How do you get rid of hiccups? Drink water upside-down and put a pencil in your mouth? Is that possible?" ~ Heidi Montag, idiot
Friday, September 14, 2012
My 15 Favorite 1980s Sitcoms
Lately, I've been reliving my childhood and re-watching a lot of the old sitcoms from the 1980s that I grew up enjoying. So I decided to make a list of my 15 favorites, more or less in descending order of my preference for them. To narrow my focus as much as possible, I only included my favorite sitcoms that aired for at least half of their total run during the 1980s – some of these started in the '70s and continued into the '80s, while others started in the '80s and continued into the '90s. However, if a popular show started or ended at the beginning or end of the '80s and enjoyed a longer run in the previous or next decade, it is not included in this list, no matter how good it may have been. Reminisce and enjoy!
15) GROWING PAINS: No, I didn't watch this show for the same reason a lot of girls my age did (i.e., to gawk at Kirk Cameron). I did, however, enjoy the family dynamics of this show. The idea of a family with a working mother and a stay-at-home dad was pretty unconventional, even in the mid-'80s. Though Jason (the dad – great name, by the way) did work as a psychiatrist, he did so from his own home, all the while overseeing the household, which includes Mike the troublemaker, Carol the honors student, rambunctious Ben, and (later) the precocious Chrissy. And yes, that is Leonardio DiCaprio on the far right – he joined the cast as a regular in the later seasons of the show.
14) NIGHT COURT: This kooky comedy was set during the night shift of a Manhattan court, presided over by the young, unorthodox Harry Stone, judge and amateur magician. Brutally honest public defender Christine Sullivan, sleazy prosecutor Dan Fielding, dim-witted bailiff Bull, surly bailiff Roz, and easy-going court clerk Mac Robinson rounded out the primary cast. Alternately hilarious and bizarre, the show was always fun to watch thanks in large part to its memorable characters.
13) THE FACTS OF LIFE: This classic sitcom focused on Edna Garrett, housemother and dietitian at the fictional Eastland School, an all-female boarding skill in Peekskill, New York. The girls in Mrs. Garrett's care included spoiled rich girl Blair Warner; young, gossipy Tootie Ramsey; overweight, impressionable Natalie Green; and tough, streetwise-but-vulnerable Jo Polniaczek. Though I was quite young when this show was in its original run, and I never saw it in syndication, I can still fondly remember many of the characters very well.
12) LAVERNE & SHIRLEY: I have to admit that I watched this show more in syndication than I did when it was in its original run. I've probably seen every episode at least a couple of times. A spin-off of Happy Days (another one of my favorites, but more of a 1970s show), the show follows the lives of roommates Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney, who work at the Shotz Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Laverne's a tough-talking tomboy, while Shirley's perky and positive. Lovable goof Lenny and his obnoxious, greasy pal Squiggy are constantly pestering the girls, while Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa carries on an on-again, off-again romance with Shirley. Kookiness and mayhem abound.
11) CHEERS: I never really watched this show in its original run, but I did catch enough episodes of it in syndication to see what all the fuss was about. Turns out that it was a really good show, driven by a large cast of unforgettable characters. The show is set in the Cheers bar in Boston, a place where a group of locals meet to drink, relax, chat, and have fun. If you've seen the show, there's no need for me to explain who Sam, Diane, Rebecca, Coach, Carla, Cliff, Woody, Frasier, Norm, and Lilith are, because you already know. If you never watched the show, watch it – it would take me too long to explain.
10) BENSON: Now this one takes me back – way back! This show ended when I was eight, but it replayed enough in syndication that I still remember it vividly. When the show began, Benson DuBois had just been hired as the head of household affairs for the scatterbrained and widowed Governor Eugene Gatling and his daughter. Katie. The show revolved around Benson's housekeeping dilemmas, his fights with the German cook Gretchen Kraus, and his interactions with the governor's chief of staff, Clayton Endicott III. The governor's secretary, Marcy, and her successor, Denise, and the press secretary Pete were also major characters throughout the run of the series.
9) FAMILY TIES: This was the sitcom that propelled the wonderfully talented Michael J. Fox to superstardom. The show follows the lives of the Keaton family: liberal Baby Boomer ex-hippies Steven and Elyse, their enthusiastic young Republican son, Alex P. Keaton (you have to say the entire name, of course); air-headed, materialistic Mallory; athletic tomboy, Jennifer; and (later) the youngest son, Andrew. Memorable supporting cast members included Alex's friend and neighbor Skippy and Mallory's artist boyfriend, Nick.
8) WHO'S THE BOSS?: So, here's the setup. Retired major league baseball player Tony Micelli relocates to Fairfield, Connecticut, to be uptight, divorced ad executive Angela Bower's live-in housekeeper. Mix in Tony's streetwise tomboy daughter Samantha, Angela's awkward son Jonathan, and her feisty sexpot mother Mona, and chaos is bound to ensue. And it does – frequently.
7) DESIGNING WOMEN: This delightfully Southern-flavored comedy centered on the working and personal lives of four women and one man at an interior design firm in Atlanta. Elegant, outspoken liberal intellectual Julia Sugarbaker and her rich, flashy, self-centered former beauty queen sister, Suzanne own the business, although Julia is the only one of the two who actually does any work. Pragmatic designer Mary Jo Shively, sweet-natured but naive office manager Charlene Frazier Stillfield, and falsely convicted ex-con Anthony Bouvier round out the primary cast. The Sugarbakers' absent-minded friend Bernice Clifton also appears frequently. I appreciated (and still appreciate) this show for being one of the first – and still one of very few – shows to portray Southerners as anything other than ignorant, stupid, and hopelessly backwoodsy.
6) NEWHART: Bob Newhart has always been one of my favorite comedians. His popular 1970s sitcom, The Bob Newhart Show, remains one of my favorites. This quirky New England-based comedy is also among my all-time favorites. The show is set in a small, rural Vermont town where how-to author (and later TV talk show host) Dick Loudon owns and operates the 200-year-old Stratford Inn with his frequently-sweater-wearing wife Joanna. Dim-witted handyman George Utley, spoiled little rich girl/hotel maid Stephanie Vanderkellen, her hyperactive yuppie beau (and later husband) Michael Harris, and eccentric backwoodsmen brothers Larry (the only one who actually speaks), Darryl, and Darryl round out the oddball cast of characters.
5) THE GOLDEN GIRLS: This delightfully subversive sitcom centered on the lives of four older women who shared a home in Miami, Florida. Substitute teacher Dorothy Zbornak moved to Miami after divorcing her husband of 38 years (who had cheated on her with a much younger woman). Sweet but naive grief counselor Rose Nylund moved to Miami upon the death of her husband. Southern belle Blanche Devereaux, a widowed mother of six who has a seemingly voracious appetite for any man with a pulse, owns the house where they all live. Dorothy's octogenarian mother Sophia Petrillo moves in with her daughter and the other ladies after her retirement home burned down. This show was important for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that it portrayed older women who still led active lives and, yes, even had romances at an age when society would say that life had already passed them by.
4) ALF: I know, I probably shouldn't like this show as much as I do – but I do. Even though it only lasted four seasons (a tragedy!), this was one of my absolute favorite shows growing up. As the series begins, Gordon Shumway, a friendly extraterrestrial from the planet Melmac, crashes his spaceship into the garage of the Tanner family. Willie Tanner and his wife, Kate, don't know what to make of this strange visitor, but their kids, Lynn and Brian, instantly fall in love with ALF, the nickname they give the furry little guy (it stands for Alien Life Form). ALF is constantly getting himself (and the Tanners) into trouble by accidentally revealing himself to neighbors, friends, and complete strangers, and by causing an inordinate number of household accidents. But the wise-cracking alien is so full of joy, the Tanners can't help but do all they can to protect him and keep his existence a secret. The silly, sometimes oddball humor that permeates throughout this series is right up my alley. I'll probably always love it!
3) THE JEFFERSONS: This long-running sitcom focused on an upwardly mobile African-American couple, George and Louise Jefferson, who had moved on up to the East Side. Aside from the Jeffersons, the primary cast consisted of their friends and neighbors, including: biracial couple, Tom and Helen Willis; the Jeffersons' son, Lionel, and his wife Jenny (the Willis' daughter); their quirky English neighbor, Mr. Bentley; the tip-hungry doorman, Ralph; George's outspoken matriarch, Mother Jefferson; and, of course, the Jeffersons' back-talking, wise-cracking housekeeper, Florence Johnston. Sometimes unrealistic, occasionally unpleasant, but always entertaining!
2) TAXI: This extremely well-written, well-acted sitcom was centered around the everyday lives of a handful of New York City taxi drivers and their verbally abusive dispatcher. Sensible, pragmatic Alex Rieger was the one everyone else turned to for advice. Struggling actor Bobby Wheeler was a target of Louie's derision. Morally deficient dispatcher Louie De Palma belittles and insults his drivers constantly. Divorced mother-of-two Elaine Nardo tries to cope with the stresses of driving a cab while trying to realize her ambitions in the field of fine art. Sweet-natured but dim-witted boxer (and cabbie) Tony Banta gets knocked out time and time again, but refuses to quit until the boxing commission takes away his license. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski is a burned-out relic of the '60s who lives in a world of his own, though he occasionally imparts surprising words of wisdom to his fellow cabbies. Quirky foreigner Latka Gravas works as a mechanic, fixing the taxis, while speaking in a strange language that no one understands and telling oddball stories about his homeland. This one's been off the air for nearly as long as I've been alive, but I've seen every episode multiple times in syndication, and I never get tired of them.
1) THE COSBY SHOW: Last but certainly not least, my favorite sitcom of the 1980s (and quite possibly of all time). This wildly popular sitcom focused on the Huxtable family, an affluent African-American family living in a brownstone in Brooklyn Heights, New York. The Huxtable family initially consisted of obstetrician/dad Heathcliff (aka "Cliff); attorney/mom Clair; and their five children – somewhat-aloof Sondra (who married Elvin and had twins, Nelson and Winnie); fashion-forward Denise (who married Martin and inherited stepdaughter, Olivia); ne'er-do-well Theo (the only Huxtable son); frequently misguide Vanessa; and ever-precocious Rudy. This show was also important for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it broke then-traditional racial stereotypes by portraying African-Americans who were educated and successful. Cliff and Clair were also one heck of a good example for good parenting. Oh, and did I mention that the show is laugh-out-loud funny every single episode? No? Well, it is. Even now.
15) GROWING PAINS: No, I didn't watch this show for the same reason a lot of girls my age did (i.e., to gawk at Kirk Cameron). I did, however, enjoy the family dynamics of this show. The idea of a family with a working mother and a stay-at-home dad was pretty unconventional, even in the mid-'80s. Though Jason (the dad – great name, by the way) did work as a psychiatrist, he did so from his own home, all the while overseeing the household, which includes Mike the troublemaker, Carol the honors student, rambunctious Ben, and (later) the precocious Chrissy. And yes, that is Leonardio DiCaprio on the far right – he joined the cast as a regular in the later seasons of the show.
14) NIGHT COURT: This kooky comedy was set during the night shift of a Manhattan court, presided over by the young, unorthodox Harry Stone, judge and amateur magician. Brutally honest public defender Christine Sullivan, sleazy prosecutor Dan Fielding, dim-witted bailiff Bull, surly bailiff Roz, and easy-going court clerk Mac Robinson rounded out the primary cast. Alternately hilarious and bizarre, the show was always fun to watch thanks in large part to its memorable characters.
13) THE FACTS OF LIFE: This classic sitcom focused on Edna Garrett, housemother and dietitian at the fictional Eastland School, an all-female boarding skill in Peekskill, New York. The girls in Mrs. Garrett's care included spoiled rich girl Blair Warner; young, gossipy Tootie Ramsey; overweight, impressionable Natalie Green; and tough, streetwise-but-vulnerable Jo Polniaczek. Though I was quite young when this show was in its original run, and I never saw it in syndication, I can still fondly remember many of the characters very well.
12) LAVERNE & SHIRLEY: I have to admit that I watched this show more in syndication than I did when it was in its original run. I've probably seen every episode at least a couple of times. A spin-off of Happy Days (another one of my favorites, but more of a 1970s show), the show follows the lives of roommates Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney, who work at the Shotz Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Laverne's a tough-talking tomboy, while Shirley's perky and positive. Lovable goof Lenny and his obnoxious, greasy pal Squiggy are constantly pestering the girls, while Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa carries on an on-again, off-again romance with Shirley. Kookiness and mayhem abound.
11) CHEERS: I never really watched this show in its original run, but I did catch enough episodes of it in syndication to see what all the fuss was about. Turns out that it was a really good show, driven by a large cast of unforgettable characters. The show is set in the Cheers bar in Boston, a place where a group of locals meet to drink, relax, chat, and have fun. If you've seen the show, there's no need for me to explain who Sam, Diane, Rebecca, Coach, Carla, Cliff, Woody, Frasier, Norm, and Lilith are, because you already know. If you never watched the show, watch it – it would take me too long to explain.
10) BENSON: Now this one takes me back – way back! This show ended when I was eight, but it replayed enough in syndication that I still remember it vividly. When the show began, Benson DuBois had just been hired as the head of household affairs for the scatterbrained and widowed Governor Eugene Gatling and his daughter. Katie. The show revolved around Benson's housekeeping dilemmas, his fights with the German cook Gretchen Kraus, and his interactions with the governor's chief of staff, Clayton Endicott III. The governor's secretary, Marcy, and her successor, Denise, and the press secretary Pete were also major characters throughout the run of the series.
9) FAMILY TIES: This was the sitcom that propelled the wonderfully talented Michael J. Fox to superstardom. The show follows the lives of the Keaton family: liberal Baby Boomer ex-hippies Steven and Elyse, their enthusiastic young Republican son, Alex P. Keaton (you have to say the entire name, of course); air-headed, materialistic Mallory; athletic tomboy, Jennifer; and (later) the youngest son, Andrew. Memorable supporting cast members included Alex's friend and neighbor Skippy and Mallory's artist boyfriend, Nick.
8) WHO'S THE BOSS?: So, here's the setup. Retired major league baseball player Tony Micelli relocates to Fairfield, Connecticut, to be uptight, divorced ad executive Angela Bower's live-in housekeeper. Mix in Tony's streetwise tomboy daughter Samantha, Angela's awkward son Jonathan, and her feisty sexpot mother Mona, and chaos is bound to ensue. And it does – frequently.
7) DESIGNING WOMEN: This delightfully Southern-flavored comedy centered on the working and personal lives of four women and one man at an interior design firm in Atlanta. Elegant, outspoken liberal intellectual Julia Sugarbaker and her rich, flashy, self-centered former beauty queen sister, Suzanne own the business, although Julia is the only one of the two who actually does any work. Pragmatic designer Mary Jo Shively, sweet-natured but naive office manager Charlene Frazier Stillfield, and falsely convicted ex-con Anthony Bouvier round out the primary cast. The Sugarbakers' absent-minded friend Bernice Clifton also appears frequently. I appreciated (and still appreciate) this show for being one of the first – and still one of very few – shows to portray Southerners as anything other than ignorant, stupid, and hopelessly backwoodsy.
6) NEWHART: Bob Newhart has always been one of my favorite comedians. His popular 1970s sitcom, The Bob Newhart Show, remains one of my favorites. This quirky New England-based comedy is also among my all-time favorites. The show is set in a small, rural Vermont town where how-to author (and later TV talk show host) Dick Loudon owns and operates the 200-year-old Stratford Inn with his frequently-sweater-wearing wife Joanna. Dim-witted handyman George Utley, spoiled little rich girl/hotel maid Stephanie Vanderkellen, her hyperactive yuppie beau (and later husband) Michael Harris, and eccentric backwoodsmen brothers Larry (the only one who actually speaks), Darryl, and Darryl round out the oddball cast of characters.
5) THE GOLDEN GIRLS: This delightfully subversive sitcom centered on the lives of four older women who shared a home in Miami, Florida. Substitute teacher Dorothy Zbornak moved to Miami after divorcing her husband of 38 years (who had cheated on her with a much younger woman). Sweet but naive grief counselor Rose Nylund moved to Miami upon the death of her husband. Southern belle Blanche Devereaux, a widowed mother of six who has a seemingly voracious appetite for any man with a pulse, owns the house where they all live. Dorothy's octogenarian mother Sophia Petrillo moves in with her daughter and the other ladies after her retirement home burned down. This show was important for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that it portrayed older women who still led active lives and, yes, even had romances at an age when society would say that life had already passed them by.
4) ALF: I know, I probably shouldn't like this show as much as I do – but I do. Even though it only lasted four seasons (a tragedy!), this was one of my absolute favorite shows growing up. As the series begins, Gordon Shumway, a friendly extraterrestrial from the planet Melmac, crashes his spaceship into the garage of the Tanner family. Willie Tanner and his wife, Kate, don't know what to make of this strange visitor, but their kids, Lynn and Brian, instantly fall in love with ALF, the nickname they give the furry little guy (it stands for Alien Life Form). ALF is constantly getting himself (and the Tanners) into trouble by accidentally revealing himself to neighbors, friends, and complete strangers, and by causing an inordinate number of household accidents. But the wise-cracking alien is so full of joy, the Tanners can't help but do all they can to protect him and keep his existence a secret. The silly, sometimes oddball humor that permeates throughout this series is right up my alley. I'll probably always love it!
3) THE JEFFERSONS: This long-running sitcom focused on an upwardly mobile African-American couple, George and Louise Jefferson, who had moved on up to the East Side. Aside from the Jeffersons, the primary cast consisted of their friends and neighbors, including: biracial couple, Tom and Helen Willis; the Jeffersons' son, Lionel, and his wife Jenny (the Willis' daughter); their quirky English neighbor, Mr. Bentley; the tip-hungry doorman, Ralph; George's outspoken matriarch, Mother Jefferson; and, of course, the Jeffersons' back-talking, wise-cracking housekeeper, Florence Johnston. Sometimes unrealistic, occasionally unpleasant, but always entertaining!
2) TAXI: This extremely well-written, well-acted sitcom was centered around the everyday lives of a handful of New York City taxi drivers and their verbally abusive dispatcher. Sensible, pragmatic Alex Rieger was the one everyone else turned to for advice. Struggling actor Bobby Wheeler was a target of Louie's derision. Morally deficient dispatcher Louie De Palma belittles and insults his drivers constantly. Divorced mother-of-two Elaine Nardo tries to cope with the stresses of driving a cab while trying to realize her ambitions in the field of fine art. Sweet-natured but dim-witted boxer (and cabbie) Tony Banta gets knocked out time and time again, but refuses to quit until the boxing commission takes away his license. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski is a burned-out relic of the '60s who lives in a world of his own, though he occasionally imparts surprising words of wisdom to his fellow cabbies. Quirky foreigner Latka Gravas works as a mechanic, fixing the taxis, while speaking in a strange language that no one understands and telling oddball stories about his homeland. This one's been off the air for nearly as long as I've been alive, but I've seen every episode multiple times in syndication, and I never get tired of them.
1) THE COSBY SHOW: Last but certainly not least, my favorite sitcom of the 1980s (and quite possibly of all time). This wildly popular sitcom focused on the Huxtable family, an affluent African-American family living in a brownstone in Brooklyn Heights, New York. The Huxtable family initially consisted of obstetrician/dad Heathcliff (aka "Cliff); attorney/mom Clair; and their five children – somewhat-aloof Sondra (who married Elvin and had twins, Nelson and Winnie); fashion-forward Denise (who married Martin and inherited stepdaughter, Olivia); ne'er-do-well Theo (the only Huxtable son); frequently misguide Vanessa; and ever-precocious Rudy. This show was also important for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it broke then-traditional racial stereotypes by portraying African-Americans who were educated and successful. Cliff and Clair were also one heck of a good example for good parenting. Oh, and did I mention that the show is laugh-out-loud funny every single episode? No? Well, it is. Even now.
BLOGGER'S NOTE: For the sake of making it easier on myself, I have "ripped off" the majority of these synopses (sans my own commentary) directly from the shows' respective Wikipedia pages. Credit is due to their authors, though they are unknown, but I didn't feel like putting quotation marks around everything.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
"Understood (You)," "Mellowing," And "Out In Left Field": Three New Drabbles
Here are three new drabbles. Maybe you will enjoy them. Maybe you won't. Either way, here they are....
UNDERSTOOD (YOU)"
Took the car and the kids and the puppy and left. Said it would be better this way. Said it would all make sense later. It's later, and I don't. I blamed. And I blamed myself. I loved. I thought. Did too? This is the hardest thing I've ever. Think about it, okay? Try! I still love. I know. Better than. Know. Self. Don't want this. Not for me. Not for the kids. And not for. Care more than. Let on. Not only hurting me. Hurting others. And hurting. Come back. I need. I want. I love. I don't understand...
"MELLOWING"
Five years ago, you would have never left here alive. When I found out what you did, when you had the guts – or should I say, the stupidity – to admit what you did, I'd have tracked you down, tied you up, beaten you to within an inch of your life, made you beg for mercy, then choked the life out of you anyway – because I could. And even if I'd let you live, if I'd shown such unmitigated mercy, you'd wish you were dead. Death would be less painful. But that's not who I am anymore. You see, I'm mellowing.
"OUT IN LEFT FIELD"
Coach didn't know what he was doing putting me out here. I'm a liability, not an asset. I have poor instincts, I'm not fast enough, I throw left-handed, and I get bored easily. This can only end in heartache. Or heartburn, as it were. Maybe if I prove my worth, do nothing when much is expected, fail when success is the only option, maybe then he'll see. That he made a mistake. (Not cutting me from the team was his first mistake.) I'll do my worst and reap the consequences. He'll have a gut feeling his gut feeling was wrong.
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