What's On Your Mind, Gorilla?

Did you ever look at a gorilla and wonder what it's thinking? Probably not. But I've wondered. Of course, I have. Because I'm that guy.

Anyway...based on my "highly developed skills" of observation and imagination, I have determined what's actually going on in the minds of these hairy guys and gals. Enjoy...

"Tell me the truth: Does this rock make me look fat?"

"Why are you smiling? Do you really find seizures amusing?"

"I pooped today. Do I get a sticker?"

 "Yes, in fact, I am 'picking and grinning'..."

"I'm very disappointed in you, General Petraeus."

"Laid back...with my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

"This is my foot. You didn't need it anyway."

"I see your point. But you are wrong. End of discussion."

"Hi there, little lady. Come here often? Can I buy you a banana?"

"This is why I'm hot."

"Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!"

"You know you want me, ladies."

"No one says that about my mother and gets away with it. No one!"

"Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!"

"I'll see you in your nightmares!"

Things You'll Never Hear Me Say

1)  Please pass the rutabagas!

2)  Hey DJ, play that Neil Sedaka song again!

3)  I never liked a woodchuck I didn't meet.

4)  Sure, I'd love to hang curtains with you!

5)  No, thanks, I'd rather walk to work.

6)  Am I on time again?

7)  Miley Cyrus, oh how I love you!

8)  Let's watch the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo marathon!

9)  My, how I love cleaning the litter box!

10)  The Justin Bieber concert tickets went on sale this morning, and I was first in line!

Songs By Bands With Animal Names, Vol. 1

I just decided this morning to start a new mini-series of posts featuring songs by bands with animals in their names. Once I got into it, I realized there were way too many of these for just one post. So I've decided to break it down by the types of animals. This post will include canines, felines, and hooved animals. I don't know yet how many of these posts there will end up being, but there will definitely be more. A wide variety of musical styles, both old and new, are represented here. Enjoy!


THE CANINES


1)  Three Dog Night  ~  "Eli's Coming"

2)  Temple Of The Dog  ~  "Hunger Strike"

3)  Fleet Foxes  ~  "White Winter Hymnal"

4)  Snoop Dogg  ~  "I Wanna Rock"

5)  Skinny Puppy  ~  "Pro-Test"

THE FELINES


1)  Cat Power  ~  "Cherokee"

2)  Cat Stevens  ~  "Moonshadow"

3)  The Pussycat Dolls  ~  "Stickwitu"

4)  White Lion  ~  "When The Children Cry"

5)  John Cougar Mellencamp  ~  "Jack & Diane"

6)  Stray Cats  ~  "Rock This Town"

HOOVED ANIMALS


1)  Zebrahead  ~  "The Juggernauts"

2)  Sparklehorse  ~  "Gold Day"

3)  Caribou  ~  "She's The One"

4)  Gov't Mule  ~  "Beautifully Broken"

5)  Giraffes? Giraffes!  ~  "When The Catholic Girls Go Camping, The Nicotine Vampires Rule Supreme"

6)  Buffalo Springfield  ~  "For What It's Worth"

7)  Spacehog  ~  "In The Meantime"

8)  Zebra  ~  "Who's Behind The Door?"

Rhyme With Reason: House-Hunting Words

If you've ever read one of my "Rhyme With Reason" posts in the past, you'll already know that I am going to list a series of words which rhyme which are related in some way to each other or tie into a unified theme.

As you may remember from the day before yesterday, my wife and I are attempting to find a new place to live in a little over four weeks, when the sale of our current house closes. We've seen at least 12 houses in a two-night period now, so some of them are running together in our minds, while a select few truly stand out.

Today's theme will be words that can be used to describe our house-hunting experience. Some words may describe the houses themselves, while others may describe our thoughts and feelings in relation to this harrowing process of house-hunting.


1)  Dated:  Some of the houses were older and hadn't been updated since the 1970s or 1980s. Those were not such great choices for us. You might also say that they were outdated.


2)  Bated:  For about 48 hours (between Sunday afternoon and Tuesday evening), we waited with bated breath to see if the potential buyers of our house were going to accept our counteroffer or propose a counteroffer of their own. (They counteroffered, we countered back, and struck a deal.)


3)  Hated:  There was one house out in the country that looked like it was literally falling apart. We didn't make it past the front threshold before realizing that we hated it.


4)  Elated:  When we found out that our counteroffer to their counteroffer had been accepted, we were elated.


5)  Gated:  Our budget is not nearly large enough to live in a gated community. So we haven't even looked in any of those.


6)  Overrated:  Some houses we've seen are priced way above tax value for no discernible reason. Maybe it's the location or maybe it's just overzealous sellers, but these houses are overrated and their prices are inflated. What we need to find is a house that's excellent inside and out, but is priced well below tax value. In other words, a house that is underrated.


7)  Vacated:  Many of the houses we've looked at have already been vacated by the previous owners. Which makes it much easier to envision our stuff in the space. You might say these houses have been blank-slated.


8)  Slated:  Speaking of which, we are slated to see another handful of houses this afternoon and tonight. Hopefully, seeing even more houses in a short amount of time will help us make our decision and not cause us to become jaded (okay, it's a near rhyme, but work with me here).


9)  Debated:  After seeing several lower-priced houses on Monday, we debated about increasing our budget a bit to include houses that were more "move-in ready." Ultimately, we decided we might be able to afford a little bit more, which created a lot more options for us.


10)  Negated:  Some houses had huge bedrooms but a smaller kitchen and living spaces, both of which are extremely important to us. In these houses, the negatives all but negated the positives. And we ruled them out.


11)  Deflated:  At the end of a three-hour marathon session of house-hunting, we are quite exhausted and overloaded with information. We feel deflated, mentally and physically. At the same time, we're almost thinking too much to be able to relax and sleep well. In other circumstances (like, if one of the two of us wasn't seven months pregnant), we might do well to be sedated.


12)  Fated:  I don't believe in fate, per se, but for the sake of rhyming, we'll simply say that the house that we're fated to live in is out there somewhere. We may have seen it already, or we may see it for the first time tonight or tomorrow or Saturday. God's will is going to be done in all this, no matter how hard the process may be in getting there. We're trusting, we're praying, we're thinking, and we're looking. And it will happen. In His timing.

I Don't Think That's What They Meant To Say!

I don't know about you, but I need a good laugh. Enjoy!

Children cutting? Messes? What kind of saloon is this?

I think the "bitten thing" is the finger, but I'm not sure.

The sad thing is, they might have meant to say exactly that.

I've heard of living on a strict budget, but that's ridiculous!

It could be worse, I suppose. I've heard that

yellow potatoes are the harshest ones of all.

To prevent poaching in or around this pond, 

trespassers will be boiled. Loiterers will be baked.

I think it's too late. You seem to be hurt

permanently. And it's not that pretty.

What is it? An aphrodisiac wristwatch? I don't understand!

Fierce monkeys that steal your "belonging"? How 

will you ever find your place in this world again?

A "Blood-Condensed Friendship Pavilion"? A "Blood-Sacrificing 

Small Shop"? A Communist's idea of fun is not my idea of fun!

Maybe it is (for guys, at least). But where are

they hiding the most beautiful toilet paper?

If I'm dying, what do I care if the chair is "on position" 

or the table is cleaned? Someone else will have to deal 

with my refuse. Thanks for your very large company.

"Celebrate Recession - Hang Yourself!" Well,

why not? After all, it is Strawberry Season!

The proper translation here should have been:

"No Chicken Littles allowed beyond this point."

Yes, but what does the "tiny little cute store" on

Freak Street sell? Besides Coca-Cola, I mean.

I'm very good at this. Though I'm not always careful.

Not a bad price for Fresh Crap. But wait

just one second here – those are fishes!

Aww, poor little guy! I've got an extra hoodie in my car.

This is it. The end of the line for deformed men everywhere.

So, just a little then? Well, at least they're honest...

It says the same thing in seven different languages, so everyone

can know that they're not lost. Because the sign says you aren't.

This is so sad. I can't stand to see innocent vegetables suffering.

In this "very gourmetic world," it's comforting to know that

there's a place you can go that's full of "dream" and "Roman."

NOTE: The "Keep [Blade] Out Of Children" rule does not apply

if you happen to find yourself in the Super Saloon (see above).

Girlstalking is okay, but not girlhunting. That's what

dark, secluded allies are for. (Lighten up, I'm kidding!)

Duly noted. Out of curiosity, were they actually supposed to be socks?

Some people do think with theirs...

"Yes, I would like a 2 x 4 and a dime bag, please."

Don't worry your pretty little head about 

it! I wasn't too uninconvenienced by it.

Wealthy people are dangerous and lumpy.

And are not welcome in this establishment.

Unless you can't read the above language.

Then you're sufficiently dead meat!

That's alright. He was probably just bringing a

bunch of junkmale anyway. Good riddance!

Mine isn't religion-free, but it is nondenominational.

Um...

I think I just lost my appetite.

Please wait till you hear the body drop before proceeding.

Apparently, crime pays.

There's tons more of these on the Internet.

But this is enough for one day...