Creepy Mascots, Vol. 1: College Mascots

I've always found sports team mascots a bit creepy. Maybe it's the oversized heads, the fixed facial expressions, the in-your-face-ness that's inherent in their interaction with fans like me who'd rather be left alone. (I don't particularly care for clowns for many of the same reasons.) While I'm not explicitly afraid of mascots – that would be ridiculous! – I'm also not fond of them. So consider this miniseries of posts a "face your fears" – or, rather, "face your aversions" – exercise. Perhaps you'll get a laugh out of these, or perhaps a nightmare. Either way, here they are...  ~  JH

Thanks a lot! Now I'll never eat my vegetables!

The Fighting Okra

(Delta State University)

I gotta hand it to 'em. It is a clever acronym.

DIBS (Demon In A Blue Suit)

(DePaul University)

What the heck is a geoduck? And why
 does it look like a green hot dog?

Speedy The Geoduck

(Evergreen State College)

This bird seriously looks like he's up to no good.

The Cardinal

(Iowa State University)

You don't wanna mess with an angry beaver!

Benny Beaver

(Oregon State University)

He looks more like a Ku Klux Klan member
than someone to whom you'd give a confession.

The Friar

(Providence College)

If this mascot doesn't strike fear in the hearts of the other team's
players, at least maybe they'll laugh too hard to play well.

Artie The Fighting Artichoke

(Scottsdale Community College)

Something about a blue-faced pirate in clunky
boots just doesn't sit right with me for some reason.

The Pirate

(Seton Hall University)

This mascot is a hot mess any way you look at it.

The Stanford Tree

(Stanford University)

Life-sized fruit is not something I ever
wish to encounter, thank you very much.

Otto The Orange

(Syracuse University)

With his giant keys, he shall unlock the door to victory.

Wilbur The Wildcat

(University of Arizona)

Stop staring at me like that. Seriously!

Oski The Bear

(University of California-Berkeley)

Can you imagine the poor cheerleaders who have
to stand alongside this guy during the game?

Sammy The Banana Slug

(University of California-Santa Cruz)

This bird will never hold my baby.
Let me say that again. NEVER!

The Cardinal

(University of Louisville)

There's something endearing about this mascot.
 But there's also something a little frightening.

Testudo

(University of Maryland)

You've heard of Angry Birds? Meet a real one.

Sebastian The Ibis

(University of Miami)

Not one but two creepy mascots at the same college. #smh

Lil' Red & Herbie Husker

(University of Nebraska)

Someone has described this mascot as a hybrid of
Frankenstein and Bart Simpson. Couldn't agree more!

WuShock

(Wichita State University)

I hate this mascot for the same reason that I hated
the similarly plastic-headed Burger King mascot.

Pistol Pete

(Oklahoma State University)

Songs By Mononymous Singers, Vol. 1 – The Ladies

For the linguistically uninformed, a mononym is "a one-word name by which a person is known." The entertainment world, and the music industry in particular, is rife with notable mononymous persons. What follows is part one (of two) of a collection of songs by singers known only by one name. Sometimes it's their actual first name and sometimes it's a stage name – but it's always and only one name that they go by. Today, the ladies. Tomorrow, the guys. Enjoy!   ~  JH

(NOTE: Apologies to Bjork, P!nk, Jewel, Orianthi, Plumb, Xenia, Meiko, Basia, Feist, Kimbra, and others whom I may have left off here. All of these ladies would have qualified, but I've featured their music prominently on my blog in the past, and this time I wanted to focus on some "new" singers. To be fair, Adele has appeared on the blog before also, but she was too good to be left off here.)

1)  Cher  ~  "Believe"  (Contrary to popular belief, Cher is NOT a man in drag!)

2)  Madonna  ~  "Secret"  (It's hard to find a Madonna video that isn't slutty...)

3)  Beyoncé & Shakira  ~  "Beautiful Liar"  (Two mononymous singers for the price of one! – how 'bout them apples?)

4)  Selena  ~  "Dreaming Of You"  (Rest in peace – 18 years ago, actually – to a wonderfully talented singer who was cut down in her prime.)

5)  Ke$ha  ~  "Your Love Is My Drug"  (After all my previous ribbing regarding her stupidity, Ke$ha has finally made an actual "musical appearance" on the blog – will wonders never cease?)

6)  Fergie  ~  "Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)"  (I heard this song covered on Glee and really liked it, but I didn't know who originally sang it till now.)

7)  Anjulie  ~  "Love Songs"  (A feel-good song by a unique-sounding singer.)

8)  Poe  ~  "Angry Johnny"  (WARNING: Contains gleefully violent lyrics – if you don't have a twisted sense of humor, you might not appreciate it!)

9)  Lenka  ~  "Everything At Once"  (Fact: Australian girl-pop is some of the quirkiest music you'll hear anywhere.)

10)  Adele  ~  "Someone Like You"  (This is an absolutely perfect song by one of my all-time favorite singers.)

11)  Rumer  ~  "Am I Forgiven?"  (Being a longtime fan of The Carpenters, I was awestruck when I first heard a song by Rumer – while she's an excellent singer in her own right, the similarity between her voice and Karen Carpenter's simply cannot be ignored!)

12)  Lights  ~  "Toes"  (A toe-tapping – pun intended – tune by a tremendously talented young lady.)

13)  Tiffany  ~  "I Think We're Alone Now"  (Years after I heard this song for the first time, it strikes me that Tiffany wasn't actually that great of a singer after all.)

14)  Aaliyah  ~  "At Your Best (You Are Love)"  (The R & B genre lost a great talent in 2001 when this young lady – 22 years old at the time – died in a plane crash in 2001.)

15)  Eowyn  ~  "Cliché"  (And now for some Christian hard rock by one of the more talented female singers in that niche...)

16)  Rihanna  ~  "Diamonds"  (It's also hard to find a Rihanna video that isn't slutty...)

17)  Enya  ~  "Caribbean Blue"  (I'm the only person I know who'd follow up a Rihanna song with one by Enya.)

18)  Monica  ~  "For You I Will"  (In my opinion, this is one of the best R & B songs recorded in the last 20 years.)

19)  Mandisa  ~  "Stronger"  (This video is of a live, in-studio performance of her hit song – amazing!)

20)  Imaj  ~  "Blush"  (Is the country music industry ready for an African-American female singer? If this is song is any indication, I certainly think they should be...)

Songs By Artists With Jewels And Gemstones In Their Names

Random idea for a post? Yes. Pretty darn good collection of songs? Yes again. So, why question further? Enjoy!  ~  JH

1)  Jewel  ~  "Standing Still"

2)  Caro Emerald  ~  "Back It Up"

3)  Diamond Rio  ~  "Meet In The Middle"

4)  Gems  ~  "Your Love"

Video upload failed. Click the link below to view:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ek0QFE5_iR8

5)  Beryl Beloved  ~  "Foot Stuck Child"

6)  Ruby Summer  ~  "Sailor Song"

7)  Peridot  ~  "Drop"

8)  Pearl Jam  ~  "Alive"

9)  Garnet Crow  ~  "Hyakunen no Kodoku" ("One Hundred Years Of Solitude")

10)  Behind Sapphire  ~  "Waiting By The Satellites"

11)  Gem And The Deadheads  ~  "Velvet"

12)  Samantha Jade  ~  "Turn Around"

13)  Jasper Forks  ~  "River Flows In You"

14)  Meri Amber  ~  "From Me To You"

15)  Gemstones  ~  "Don't Understand"

16)  The Coral  ~  "In The Morning"

17)  Cat's Eyes  ~  "I Knew It Was Over"

18)  Amber Lily  ~  "Overloadin'"

19)  Chalcedony  ~  "Wrong Again"

Video upload failed. Click the link below to view:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsbZvH-S2uc

20)  The Crystal Method  ~  "Comin' Back"

Stories # 60 & #61: "Micro-Manager" & "No Complaints"

Hope you don't mind me exploring the dark corners of my twisted yet imaginative sense of humor every now and then in the form of stories. Even if you do, I'll probably still write them. These two short pieces are 100% fiction. Not inspired by actual events, not based on real people, just ideas I had that I decided to roll with. Enjoy?  ~  JH

MICRO-MANAGER

Hattie didn't like her boss – it wasn't personal, she just didn't care for him. For one thing, he was short – incredibly short. Almost dwarf-like, her boss was. Of course, his stature did not, in and of itself, make him a better or worse person, but it certainly contributed.

As is sometimes the case with short people, Hattie's boss tried to overcompensate for his small height with an extra-large attitude. Anyone whom he felt looked down on him, figuratively speaking – everyone looked down on him literally, even Marvella in the mailroom – was fair game for his abuse. Hattie, being the type of person not prone to dishing it out but also not content to take it, often challenged her vertically challenged manager's irrational requests.

In retrospect, she thought, maybe it was personal after all. Hattie's boss had had it in for her ever since he'd been promoted six months ago. Hattie had interviewed for the job herself and was, by most accounts, a better candidate. But she'd refused to compromise her personal integrity to complete the deal, so to speak, and was passed over for the job by her diminutive colleague. Getting the job had given the little guy a big power trip and he'd been tripping his brains out quite regularly ever since.

Hattie knew that something had to give, but she was reticent to give it. Until one day she wasn't.

It was a Thursday, in fact, when Hattie's boss crossed the line, stepping over the threshold into her office to do so, and issued forth his most unreasonable demand to date. It would, her wee manager informed Hattie, now be her job to take out the trash each morning, seeing as times were tough and the company was cutting back whenever and wherever it could, and the first poor schmucks to go were the housekeeping staff (his words, not hers). When his superiors had asked his opinion as to who would be the best sport about taking on some added responsibilities, Hattie's boss said that he'd instantly thought of her.

"Take out the trash?" she asked.

"Indeed," he replied.

"Remove the garbage?" she confirmed.

"You got it!" he reiterated.

That was when Hattie snapped. She grabbed her shrimpy little boss by the back of his collar, stuffed him head-first into the nearest trash can, then swiftly rolled the can – boss and all – to the nearest Dumpster, which happened to be right outside his office, and roughly deposited him inside it.

Immediately following, Hattie turned in her resignation, drove home, and enjoyed a nice cup of chamomile tea.

NO COMPLAINTS

"Hey, Skippy." My dad was always fond of calling me by my childhood nickname, even though I was now forty years old.

"What's going on, Dad?" I sighed.

"Not a whole heck of a lot," he said. "You?"

"I can't complain," I answered honestly.

"What'd you do to your arm?" he said, and pointed toward it.

"Oh, that," I said matter-of-factly. "Nothing much. Shark."

"Vacuum cleaner?" Dad asked.

"Great white," I replied.

"Really?" Dad sounded surprised.

"Yeah," I said. "Tore it clean off. One bite."

"Hurt much?"

"It did," I admitted. "But it's alright now."

"How'd it happen?" I could hear fatherly concern in his voice. Appropriate.

"I got too close," I explained.

"Ocean?"

"Aquarium," I replied.

"That right?" Dad said, apparently amazed.

"Yeah, I fell in," I sighed.

"You get in trouble?" he smirked.

"Well, I lost the arm. I think they figured that was bad enough."

"Makes sense," Dad mumbled. "You doing alright now, though?"

"I said I was, didn't I?" I said, and I was. "No complaints here."

"Well, that's good."

"How you doing?" I asked, wondering if he'd come for any reason in particular.

"Fine as frog hair," Dad said. "Still got three months left."

"On what?" I inquired.

"Earth," he said.

"Too bad," I replied. And it was, too.

"Ain't it, though?" Dad sighed.

I nodded. "Other than that?"

"Can't complain," said Dad.

"That's good," I nodded again.

He put his hand on my shoulder.

I buried my face in his chest.

We stayed like that for a while.

Singing Politicians

Okay, so some of these are embarrassingly bad, and some of them are surprisingly good. I'll let you be the judge of which is which. In fact, why don't you watch them for yourself, and post your vote for the best singing politician as a comment, either here on the blog or on Facebook. (I have my personal favorite among these.) Enjoy!  ~  JH

1)  Mitt Romney  ~  "America The Beautiful"

2)  Barack Obama  ~  "Sweet Home Chicago"

3)  Hugo Chavez  ~  A Medley Of Unknown Songs

4)  Ted Kennedy  ~  "Just In Time"

5)  Manny Pacquiao  ~  "Sometimes When We Touch"  (He's not just a boxer; he's also a senator in his home country of the Philippines)

6)  Bill Clinton  ~  "Imagine"

7)  The Singing Senators  ~  "Elvira"  (consisting of Jim Jeffords, John Ashcroft, Trent Lott, & Larry Craig)

Video wouldn't load properly – click link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nuoduwf3es

8)  John Ashcroft  ~  "Let The Eagle Soar"  (Ashcroft doing a solo act)

Video of the full song wouldn't load – click link to view:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woLQI8X2R6Y

Or watch the short version:

9)  Dennis Kucinich  ~  "Sixteen Tons"

10)  Vladimir Putin  ~  "Blueberry Hill"