Monday, January 28, 2013

Stories # 7, # 8, & # 9: "Second Banana," "Just Peachy," & "The Lemon"

Since these three are all very short pieces and all have some type of fruit name in their titles, I decided to group them together into a single post. Hopefully, you'll enjoy them. Maybe you won't. There's some subtle humor integrated into all of them. I hope you get it. If not, let me know, and I'll work harder at it next time. Thanks for the read!  ~  JH

"SECOND BANANA"  (100 words)

I've never been much of a fruit person. Apples are too much work and brown quickly. Oranges are messy and not very filling. Grapes freak me out – anything that goes "pop" inside my mouth just feels wrong. Cantaloupes are good, but it's always hard to tell if you're getting a ripe one. Don't even get me started on coconuts! Bananas I can handle. They're easy to eat, no matter where you are. They have their own built-in wrapper, so your hands don't get all goopy. And they flat-out taste delicious! I'm having my second one of the day. Sheer perfection!

"JUST PEACHY"  (250 words)

How was my day? Well, I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say I've had better. On second thought, what else have you got to do but listen to me whine? You don't have a job. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't have a life! You just sit around like a lump mooching off poor saps like me! So sit there and listen to what I have to say! In fact, I dare you to move! People like you give people like me a bad name, and I've about reached my limit! How was my day? I'll tell you how my day was! I wrecked my car on the way to work and had to hitchhike the rest of the way, only to find out when I got there that I didn't get that promotion I was hoping for. Sometime after lunch, I lost my wallet with my money and credit cards inside, along with that WalMart gift card I've been saving for a special occasion. Then, I tripped getting out of the car on my second hitchhike of the day and chipped my tooth! And now I'm standing here telling my troubles to an ungrateful loser who doesn't know when he's worn out his welcome and who has the gall to ask me how my day was on a day like today! Well, my day was just peachy, thank you very much for asking! Now get out of my sight before I make you lose yours!

"THE LEMON"  (320 words)

I've never been what you would call a Mr. Fix It when it comes to automobiles. In fact, if you were to show me three random auto parts and tell me to identify the carburetor among them, I would probably point to the headlight. 

Every time I've bought a car, I've brought my uncle – a "real" mechanic – or another knowledgeable friend or relative along with me, so that I wouldn't get hoodwinked into buying a hunk of junk. Until last Tuesday. 

Confession: I hate car salesmen. They're slimy, unscrupulous, and downright dishonest, and I don't know enough to call them on their game. But desperate times call for stupid mistakes, apparently. 

I decided to go car hunting last Tuesday – or rather, it was decided for me, as my previous vehicle had finally reached its end of life after years of mostly faithful service. My uncle was working that day and couldn't come along, and everyone else I asked was also unavailable. I would just go and look, I vowed, take copious notes, and return to those I trusted and seek their advice. Just looking, not buying, I told myself. And then it happened. 

The dirty, rotten car dealership had the nerve, the unmitigated gall, to have the most gorgeous female creature known to man approach and ask me if she could help me. 

A car saleslady? Is that even possible? And one this beautiful? It simply wasn't fair. But it was happening. One glance into her bright green eyes and I was utterly mesmerized.

I don't remember the next few hours. When I finally came to my senses, I was in the parking lot of my apartment sitting behind the wheel of a heaving, groaning, clanging, humming, clattering monstrosity of a vehicle. 

A bill of sale sat in the passenger seat next to me. The gorgeous saleslady was nowhere to be seen. But apparently I had bought a car. Crap.

No comments:

Post a Comment