Words And Phrases I Use All The Time Now That I Rarely Ever Did Two Weeks Ago

It's official. I'm learning a new language. Whether you call it Babyese, Parentese, Infantic, or whatever else, I now speak and understand this language quite fluently. If you're a parent, you'll understand. If you aren't, brush up on the vocabulary in advance. You'll need to know these things later. Some are common words, but not ones I ever spoke on a regular basis. Others are words or phrases that are chiefly spoken by parents of babies and can generally only be understood by other (current or former) parents of babies. Here's a smattering of words and phrases from this unique language. All baby pictures included herein are of our son, Josiah....


1)  Seedy Poop:  I never thought I'd not mind changing a diaper, and yet I really don't. Maybe it's because it's my child's diaper, I don't know. Looking at the contents of the diaper and analyzing the color of the poop, however, is still not something I enjoy an awful lot.

2)  Farting:  I marvel constantly at the frequency and the power with which my 10-lb. baby can expel flatulence. Put simply, he farts like a grown man!

3)  Burping:  The kid hasn't mastered the fine art of burping that much so far. But he burps just enough for us not to worry. And when he's sitting up to be burped, his meaty jowls flare out to ridiculous proportions. In other words, it's adorable.

4)  Snorking:  Okay, so this is probably a made-up word, but we use it all the time, so I'm calling it official. "Snorking" is the oink-like snorting that my boy makes when he's overly excited, frustrated, or suddenly hungry.

5)  Snorker:  Okay, so it's another made-up word. Big deal! A "snorker" in our house is what most people call a nasal aspirator, or perhaps a bulb syringe. Sometimes Baby Boy gets a snootful of milk and starts spitting it up through his nose. At times like that, we sit him upright as quickly as possible and insert the snorker into the affected nostril (usually it's both) and snork out the snotty milk.

6)  Diapers:  This one's obvious. I have changed a lot of diapers in the last eleven days. I have given the kid "plumber's butt" on at least one occasion and been pooped on while changing a diaper once. But otherwise, the diaper changing process has been a lot smoother than I would have ever imagined.

7)  Onesie:  This one-piece shirt/briefs combo is a popular apparel choice for infants of all shapes and sizes. Including our hoss of a young'un. Designed for easy diaper changing, the onesie is a versatile piece for your growing youngster.

8)  Boppy:  We got our Boppy (a C-shaped body pillow, of sorts) to support the baby's body while Mary's breastfeeding. While it hasn't worked out so well in that respect, it makes a great seat for Boyface, nestling him comfortably for leisurely lounging, especially at the sunny end of the couch.

9)  Latching:  Sometimes getting the kid started "eating" (which is technically drinking, but I digress...) is the hardest part. He's quite the wiggle monster, flailing his little arms back and forth with wild abandon. Once he latches on, he eats just fine. Getting Mary comfortable while Baby is comfortable is another story, but for now the fact that the kid ain't starving is comfort enough. But we're working on figuring the rest of it out, too.

10)  Swaddling:  Also known as "Baby Burrito," swaddling is one of the quickest ways to calm down a fussy baby. In theory. But lots of babies, ours included, are veritable Houdinis at escaping the cozy confines of a good old-fashioned swaddling, and often seek to renew their active pursuits with arms and/or legs free to flail about at will. Our kid prefers to have his arms unbound and is able to free them in approximately fifteen seconds flat. But it usually calms him down nonetheless. Usually.