Things I Find Fascinating: Really Awful TV Commercials

It's Friday. You deserve to have a few laughs. I know I had plenty while watching these awesomely bad TV commercials. If you had to categorize these "gems," you'd probably put them under "It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time..." But they weren't. They were really, really, really BAD ideas! 

But at least we get to reap the benefits of this rampant ludicrousness. There are literally hundreds I could have chosen from on the World Wide Web, but these are the ones that made the cut. 

You can't make this stuff up! Enjoy!

1)  Flea Market Montgomery: "It's just like, It's just like, A Mini-Mall!"  This guy had way too much fun doing this commercial. He sings, he raps, he even dances. He'll do whatever it takes to sell you "living rooms, bedrooms, dinettes – oh yeah!"

2)  Bobby Denning Furniture:  Yes, I found a truly local commercial. For those of you reading this in Eastern North Carolina, this furniture (and apparently everything else!) store is located just down the road in Mt. Olive, North Carolina. And you can go there and buy anything you're looking for, as long as it can be sold legally. (But that probably wouldn't stop them, either!) As if the commercial itself wasn't weird enough already, listen closely for the creepy voiceovers at random times throughout.

3)  T.D.M. Auto Sales:  Oh dear me, another North Carolina commercial! This one's for a car dealership in High Point. Rudy, the Cuban-gynecologist-turned-American-auto-salesman, wants to sell you a car so badly that he took the time to include every bad Cuban pun he could think up to convince you. Not to mention some ill-advised musical interludes.

4)  C.P.A. Claycomb:  Badly delivered (and written) lines, disinterested participants, and one scary space pig named the "Tax Monster" equal one awesomely bad commercial! Wow! Just...wow!

5)  Eagleman:  When a life-sized eagle goes splat on top of your car then proceeds to squat and lay an egg which hatches immediately and a baby eagle comes out with a "low rates" sheet in its mouth, it must be Eagleman! If they'd only had insurance on their car, none of this would have ever happened!

6)  Griffith's Electronics Boutique Emporium:  I can't figure this one out. Is it really an old commercial selling weird electronics, or is it a newer commercial pretending to be old, you know, doing the "retro" thing! Either way, it's awful. The spokesperson stutters badly at the beginning, then proceeds to offer you a bunch of products no one would ever want, before blaaassssting off into space. Yeah, okay...

7)  Barbie And Her Poop-Eating Dog, Tanner:  I had to watch this one a couple of times to make sure of what I was seeing. But it apparently is what it looks like at first glance. Barbie's dog poops out little green pellets when you crank his tail downward. Then you can either eat the pellets (which are apparently candy) or you can feed them back to the dog. Yep, you put the poop in the dog's mouth and it swallows it! I wonder how long it took the marketing exec for this ad to get fired?

8)  Snuggie Jingle Bells: Wow, wouldn't it be great to get a Snuggie for Christmas this year? But do you know what would be even better? I've got it: Let's invite the whole family over for a Snuggie-wearing party! We'll gather in the piano room for a good old-fashioned sing-along about our Snuggies to the tune of "Jingle Bells." Ooh, I can't wait!

But what if your family is Jewish? What then? No problem. Snuggie has got you covered!

9)  Golden Gate Funeral Home: Yes, dearly departed one, "your family made the smart choice" when they chose Golden Gate Funeral Home. Just look at "the new 300" hearse you get to roll out in. And man oh man, is that a fine casket! And look at you lying there in it – you've never looked THIS good before! What a shame that you never will again either! Oh, well...

10)  Hiney Wine:  Okay, so this one's a bit inappropriate. (Kids, cover your eyes!) But it's apparently a real commercial, and it is real funny. But why they ever thought it was a good idea, and how it ever aired on television is beyond me. Consider yourself forewarned!

Flash Fiction: "Upchurch Is A Liar"

As part of my ongoing efforts to rework old material for eventual publication (hopefully), here's a piece I wrote a few years ago, and rewrote recently. Forewarning: It's written in the vernacular of urban youth, but stick with it – I think you'll find its content relevant and worthwhile. Enjoy!


"UPCHURCH IS A LIAR"


Friend of mine, guy named Devon – calls himself Devo, like that weird band from the eighties – was sittin' with me at lunch the other day, talkin' 'bout some book he'd been readin' lately – like I'd care.

I was just sittin' there pretendin' to be listenin', and he's like, "You know what I'm sayin', man?" And I said, "No, not 'xactly." So he started tellin' me again what he said before when I wasn't listenin' the first time. I was still sort of not listenin' this time, but I sort of was so I wouldn't have to go through it all a third time.

Anyway, Devo started goin' on and on about some guy named Upchurch. Guess he's a writer or somethin', 'cause he wrote this book called The Truth And Nothing But, and Devo was sayin' how all these things that Upchurch was sayin' was, like, gospel truth or somethin'.

But then when he started tellin' me some of the specific things this Upchurch dude had wrote about, I started listenin' a little bit closer, 'cause some of it didn't sound quite right.

Devo said, "According to Upchurch, the biggest threat to America today is the rise of the free-thinkin' black man."

"Dude actually wrote that in a book?" I couldn't believe it.

"Yeah. So?"

"He white?" I asked.

"What you mean is Upchurch white? 'Course he's white. You ever hear of a black man named Upchurch?"

"He's the worst kind of white if you ask me. What's a man doin' writin' junk like that 'bout the black man for, and he white?"

Devo ignored my comment, and continued. "Upchurch says that the longer we allow women to believe they're equal to men in society, the more downhill we'll be goin' as a country."

"Are you kiddin' me, Devo?"

"That's what the man said. I ain't makin' it up."

I gave Devo my best you must be crazy look, and said, "And you agree with that statement?"

"I ain't sayin' I agree with him, but I ain't sayin' I don't neither. Man makes some valid points."

"Ooh, listen to you, Mr. Devo. 'Man makes some valid points.' Shoot, bruh done got intellectual on me here."

"You don't know what you talkin' about, man!" Devo shot back.

"Nah, man. Upchurch is the one who don't know what he's talkin' 'bout," I told him. "You wait till the feminists get wind of that, or any self-respecting womenfolk for that matter. They'll be on him like white on rice. Well...more like rice on white, I guess."

Devo was determined, I'll give him that. Because he went on to share another "Upchurchism" with me. "According to Upchurch, the only thing that can save America from utter ruin is for us all to reject God and live a life devoted to ourselves."

I had to stand up to handle that one. "Now, I'll take issue with that on a personal level, bruh. Maybe I ain't always perfect, and maybe I don't go to church often as I ought to, but one thing I can tell you: When I ain't leanin' on the everlastin' arms, then I'm in bad shape for sure! You know what I'm sayin', Devo?"

"You won't even give the man the point that we almost there already – to livin' a life devoted entirely to ourselves?"

"So what if we are? Does that make it right?" I was spittin' the words out now. "Devo, man, the way I see it, that white dude's sayin' as long as you be good to yourself then everything'll be alright. That ain't the truth, bruh! That ain't even nothin' but!"

Despite the fact that I was losin' my cool, Devo kept at it. "Upchurch says that the best thing we can do, as a nation –"

"The best thing we can do as a nation," I interrupted, "is to tell Upchurch to keep his 'truth' to himself! Dude can babble on and on about what he believes all he wants, and can even find somebody stupid enough to print it, but that don't make him right! Upchurch ain't tellin' you the truth, bruh! Upchurch is a liar! And if you insist on spoutin' off any and every thing that dude says, then you a liar too! I won't have no part of it, and I won't have nothin' to do with you either!"

I think I finally got his attention. Devo kinda looked down and to the side like he didn't wanna look me in the eye, and mumbled, "I guess you're right."

"You dang right I'm right, and don't you forget it!"

Lunch period was just about over now. Devo said "later" and made his way out the door. But just before he disappeared from sight, I saw him reach inside his bookbag, pull out a big book with a white man's face on the cover, and chunk it in the trashcan.

That was the last I heard 'bout Upchurch.




POSTSCRIPT:  I'd love to hear your thoughts or comments on any of my fiction. These pieces are all "works in progress" and anything that you, as readers, think might make them better will certainly be considered. You can find my other posted stories here, here, here, here, and here.

Fear And Self-Loathing In G-Vegas

My head is swimming with a multiplicity of thoughts, most of them dark. I feel angry, cynical, gloomy, and frustrated. There are many reasons for this, and there are no reasons at all. I don't know how to explain it any better.

Sometimes I just need to vent, to get it all out there, whether it makes sense or not, whether it helps or not. Today is one of those days.

I had an unhealthy bout of anger earlier this morning. I ranted and raved, entirely to myself, about something that really didn't matter. When I was done, I asked myself if I felt better, and knew that I didn't. I'm usually so even-tempered, but sometimes just below the surface, a rage seethes. I don't know what causes it, but fortunately it dissipates quickly.

I'm fighting a cold that makes me cough infrequently; but when I do cough, my chest hurts. I'm taking over-the-counter medicine for it, but it's not going away quickly enough. I want to rip out my lungs, insert new ones that aren't all gunky, and start afresh. You know the feeling, right?

Sometimes I'm comfortable in my own skin. And at other times, I hate who I am, who I've become, and who I've settled for being thus far. I want to be more, but I settle for less. I want to be better, but I end up being worse. I'm not talking about merely ambition, or even the way I look (though I could go on all day listing the things I hate about myself).

I get tired of bogging myself down in things that don't matter, while avoiding or neglecting the things that do. I know what I'm doing, and that it's pointless or maybe self-defeating, but I can't seem to focus on what is important. That frustrates me to no end!

I want to do something productive with my writing. I'm working hard at developing my skills, honing them on a daily basis here. Yet some days I feel as though I have nothing to offer, nothing really worth saying. Even when I have something I think is worth sharing, I wonder if anyone else even cares to hear it. I wonder if reading me daily is too much to ask of them – not too much of a good thing, just simply too much. I worry that they're judging me when I dare to be unflinchingly honest. I'm paranoid, yes; but it's only because I do care what people think about me. I probably shouldn't care so much.

I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I'm not worthy of either one. Yes, I'm feeling down but I'll get over it. It's just a phase, right?

We're going out of town for part of this weekend. Get out of Greenville for a little while, maybe do something outdoorsy. Some fresh air would be nice. It may not help, but it certainly can't hurt.

Enough of this...

Words I Wish I Wrote: 75 Love Quotes

Okay, okay, so I didn't write anything original today (except for this paragraph), but I think you'll still find the following quotes to be inspiring, amusing, sentimental, romantic...take your pick. In most bookstores or gift shops, you'd have to pay $5.95 or maybe even $9.99 for a collection of quotes all in one place like this. But this is free (you're welcome). Feel free to reuse them however you wish. They aren't mine anyway. Happy Valentine's Day!


1)  "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." – Ingrid Bergman, actress

2)  "A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy." – George Jean Nathan, drama critic

3)  "Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." – Francois de La Rochefoucauld, writer

4)  "Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis, writer

5)  "All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time." – Julie Andrews, actress

6)  "Come live in my heart, and pay no rent." – Samuel Lover, songwriter

7)  "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." – Lao Tzu, philosopher

8)  "Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never." – Charles Caleb Colton, cleric

9)  "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." – Albert Einstein, physicist

10)  "I believe in the compelling power of love. I do not understand it. I believe it to be the most fragrant blossom of all this thorny existence." – Theodore Dreiser, novelist

11)  "I like not only to be loved, but also to be told I am loved." – George Eliot, novelist

12)  "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." – A. A. Milne, writer

13)  "If you want to be loved, be lovable." – Ovid, poet

14)  "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'" – Erich Fromm, psychologist

15)  "It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet

16)  "Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love." – Mother Teresa, nun and all-around awesome human being

17)  "Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." – Khalil Gibran, poet

18)  "Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." – David Grayson, journalist

19)  "Love conquers all." – Virgil, poet

20)  "Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." – James A. Baldwin, writer

21)  "Love does not dominate; it cultivates." – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, poet

22)  "Love is a game that two can play and both win." – Eva Gabor, actress

23)  "Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs." – William Shakespeare, playwright

24)  "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." – Leo Buscaglia, writer

25)  "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." – Peter Ustinov, actor

26)  "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." – Robert Frost, poet

27)  "Love is being stupid together." – Paul Valery, poet

28)  "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." – Aristotle, philosopher

29)  "Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." – H.L. Mencken, writer

30)  "Love is the beauty of the soul." – Saint Augustine, theologian

31)  "Love is the poetry of the senses." – Honore de Balzac, novelist

32)  "Love is what you've been through with somebody." – James Thurber, humorist

33)  "Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself." – Andre Breton, poet

34)  "Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you." – Loretta Young, actress

35)  "Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." – Zora Neale Hurston, dramatist

36)  "Love that is not madness is not love." – Pedro Calderon de la Barca, dramatist

37)  "Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction." – Antoine de Saint-Exupery, novelist

38)  "One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." – Paulo Coelho,  novelist

39)  "People need loving the most when they deserve it the least." – John Harrigan, writer

40)  "Take away love and our earth is a tomb." – Robert Browning, poet

41)  "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." – Victor Hugo, novelist

42)  "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." – Jiddu Krishnamurti, philosopher

43)  "The only abnormality is the incapacity to love." – Anais Nin, writer

44)  "The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." – G.K. Chesterton, writer

45)  "There is only one terminal dignity - love." – Helen Hayes, actress

46)  "Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." – Henry Van Dyke, poet

47)  "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." – Alfred Lord Tennyson, poet

48)  "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." – Tom Robbins, writer

49)  "What the world really needs is more love and less paper work." – Pearl Bailey, actress

50)  "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." – Emily Bronte, novelist

51)  "Who, being loved, is poor?" – Oscar Wilde, dramatist

52)  "It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them." – Agatha Christie, novelist

53)  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." – The Bible (I Corinthians 13: 4 - 8, NIV)

54)  "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." – Robert A. Heinlein, novelist

55)  "If you have love, you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it does not much matter what else you have." – J.M. Barrie, dramatist

56)  "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." – Sam Keen, writer

57)  "Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." – Benjamin Franklin, writer/Founding Father

58)  "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." – Franklin P. Jones, businessman

59)  "There is no remedy for love but to love more." – Henry David Thoreau, writer

60)  "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything." – Katharine Hepburn, actress

61)  "You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving." – Robert Louis Stevenson

62)  "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." – Rumi, poet

63)  "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved." – Barbara Johnson, writer

64)  "The first duty of love is to listen." – Paul Tillich, theologian

65)  "The selfless love that we give to others, to the point of being willing to sacrifice our lives for them, is all the proof I need that human beings are not mere animals of self-interest. We carry within us a divine spark, and if we chose to recognize it, our lives have dignity, meaning, hope." – Dean Koontz, novelist

66)  "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss, writer

67)  "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.” – André Gide, writer

68)  “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” – Pablo Neruda, poet

69)  "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough..." – Nicholas Sparks, novelist

70)  "We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” – Robert Fulghum, writer

71)  "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford, actress

72)  “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning, poet

73)  "Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” – Louis de Bernières, novelist

74)  “Look after my heart - I've left it with you.” – Stephenie Meyer

75)  “Love doesn't just sit there like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.” – Ursula K. Le Guin, novelist

Flash Fiction: "Bite The Dust, My Darling"

Just in time for Valentine's Day, I present for your entertainment (not to be taken seriously in the least) this snarky little anti-love story, rescued from my "vault" of writings, that I composed who-knows-how-many years ago. I would've come up with something original or something better, but I stayed home from work today because I'm still sick, and I'm doing all I can just to function. So please cut me a wee bit of slack. Enjoy?


"Bite The Dust, My Darling"

She says to me, "You ain't worth a plug nickel. You ain't nothing, you ain't never been nothing, and you ain't never gonna be nothing."

I says to her, "Look who's talking! What've you ever done for anybody?"

And she says, "Plenty! I've done plenty!"

And I says, "Ha!"

And she says, "What's that supposed to mean?"

And I says, "Means just what it says. Ha!"

And she laughs at me, and I says, "What're you laughing at? I got something on my face?"

And she says, "Nothing out of the ordinary. But that don't mean it ain't funny to look at."

I says, "You know what you are?"

She says, "No, why don't you tell me?"

I says, "You're a shame and a disgrace, that's what you are."

And she says, "Now if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is!"

And I says to her, "Then you don't know what is. I never been nothing but good to you, and you treat me like this."

And she says to me, "This is treating me good? You don't come home when you ought to, you don't talk to me, you never show affection to me, and you call that treating me good?"

And I says, "I'm doing the best I can."

And she says, "Well, it ain't good enough. It ain't never been good enough, and it ain't ever gonna be good enough to make me happy with you."

And I says, "Why don' t you tell me how you really feel?"

And she says, "All right, I will. I want a divorce."

And I says, "Over my dead body. You said 'I do', now you're stuck with me."

And she says, "I don't think so. Forever don't mean forever."

And I says, "In what Bible did you read that?"

And she says, "Don't get all spiritual on me. I want you out."

And I says to her, "I got news for you. This is my house. Bought and paid for."

And she says, "But it's in my name, too. And I get it all if you pass."

And I says, "Who says I'm gonna pass so you can get it all?"

And she says, "Sometimes accidents happen, you know."

And I says, "What are you trying to say? You gonna kill me or something?"

And she says, "Maybe I am. What of it?"

And I says, "I've a great mind to sock you one right here and now."

And she says, "Not if I sock you first."

And I says, "You and what army?"

And she says, "Me and this here." And then she pulls out this knife, looks like a Bowie knife with a blade about eight inches long.

And I says, "What are you gonna do with that? Carve me up?"

And she says, "Don't make me have to."

And I says, "I ain't no chicken. Do it if you think you're woman enough."

And she says, "Dare me one more time, and I will."

And I says, "I double-dog-dare you to gut me one good time!"

And she does it. She shoves that Bowie knife right between my ribs. I can feel it puncture my lung. And then I don't feel nothing but fire and pain in my chest.

I know I must be bleeding from inside, but there ain't nothing I can do about it. And I'm lying there on the ground, bleeding like a stuck pig, and she comes up to me, stands over me and says, "Told you I would do it."

And I says, with my dying breath, "Well, that's one time you were right."

An Accidental Comedy

As I sat watching tonight's Easter drama practice, still a bit under the weather and only half-engaged, my mind started to wander (sorry, cast!) to one of my very first adventures on the stage.

It wasn't my first play ever. That would have been the third grade class play, when I played the main part as the prophet, Jonah . I don’t think I was very good in that play, but at the very least it was a benign performance. Nothing too outrageous that I would still remember any details of it some twenty-five years later.

No, tonight I was thinking of the second (and not surprisingly the last) school play that I was involved in. I can’t really say I was in the play, other than in a behind-the-scenes kind of role. But I nearly singlehandedly ruined the play nonetheless.

It was my sixth grade year. Our class was putting on a play , most likely for the parents as part of some parent/teacher conference night, though I can’t recall the details (for reasons that will soon become obvious). The play – I don’t remember the title – was basically a synopsis of the Creation story and the Fall of Man. Our Adam and Eve were a guy and a girl who stood in back of the wooden flat which made up our backdrop (painted to look like the Garden of Eden) and poked their heads and arms through in holes cut for that purpose. I think we also had some actors and actresses dressed up as various animals in the Garden. Beyond that, I don’t remember a whole lot about the play. I just know I wasn’t part of the cast.

My behind-the scene responsibilities were to, along with a female classmate of mine (I think her name was Wendy), move props into and out of place or simply to hand the props to the actors when they needed them. Suffice it to say, Wendy and I clearly didn’t have enough to do and we both became quite bored a mere ten minutes into the play.

Someone in our class had brought a couple of plastic birds mounted on these two- or three-foot long wires. The thought behind these was that we’d attach them somehow to the back of the flat so that only the birds crested over the top of the flat. I suppose it was supposed to add some three-dimensional visual appeal to the scenery or something. Well, for some reason, the birds had never been attached to the flat and they were just lying around on a bench backstage.

Bored out of our minds, Wendy and I got the brilliant idea to be the bird holder-uppers ourselves, and proceeded to do so. But holding the birds sitting just within sight of the audience at the top of the flat quickly became boring. So we decided to give the birds something more fun to do.

We began twirling the birds-on-a-wire between our respective palms, causing the birds to spin around and around rapidly. We did this for awhile till that also became boring. (Keep in mind, we were easily distractible sixth graders.) We thought it odd that the audience seemed to be laughing sporadically. Strange, the Creation story had never struck me as humorous before. And Wendy remarked that the Fall of Man had never tickled her funny bone either. Oh well…there’s no accounting for taste, right?

After a few minutes of performing the birds’ whirling dervishes, Wendy and I decided that it would only be appropriate to then demonstrate the birds’ dizziness. So we tipped the birds, exposed wire and all, over the top of the flat and began spinning them slowly right above Adam and Eve’s heads. Apparently, this action only served to distract our Adam and Eve, and they started to stumble through their lines clumsily, even as the sporadic laughter of the audience became more constant and much louder.

Then it hit Wendy and I at almost the same instant: They like us! They really, really like us! So we started back with the twirling and the dipping over the front again. We added to the routine by walking our birds back and forth along the length of the flat, all the while spinning and twirling and dipping as it struck our fancy. The laughter just kept getting louder and louder, and the actors and actresses on stage kept struggling more and more to say their lines, with very little success. For some reason, the cast of our play was not nearly as impressed with our efforts as the audience and Wendy and I ourselves were. We would later learn, in no uncertain terms, that our teacher was also none too pleased with our “performance.”

They say the show must go on, and somehow or another I suppose it did. Because eventually the play was over. All of our parents remarked what a funny play it had been, and how whomever was backstage manning those birds did such a great job with them. We were a hit! But, as we learned later, not for the reasons we should have been. Needless to say, the play lost much of its meaning about the time that the birds made their first appearance.

But here it is, some twenty or so years later, and I can’t help but remember that play. Now as a director, I can only cringe at the thought of something even remotely like this happening in one of the plays I was heading up. It’s amazing how much things change.


ADDENDUM:
To my current drama cast: I’m fully aware that our last night of performing the Easter play this year is on April Fool’s Day. But please don’t get any horrible ideas from this post. I can dish it out, but believe me, I can’t take it. Have mercy on me…

Lazy Day: Freestyle Poetry

The best-laid plans of man and wife
To clean the house on Saturday
Fall by the wayside when your life
Decides to go a different way.
"It's just a cold," I tell myself.
"I've had a crazy week!" says she.
The best-laid plans go on the shelf
And all that's left is lethargy.
It could be worse, yes, I suppose
We could be dead or dying.
But it's not half as bad as those
We just got tired of trying
To make something productive
Out of this, our one day off
And so we sit here looking
At the TV, as I cough.
She's reading magazines so she
Can throw them all away
While I am vegetating, feeling
Very guilty about this day.
I guess I shouldn't stress too much
One day out of the year
Of doing nothing isn't such
A big deal, is it now, my dear?
I know I will feel better after
Having had this rest
But right now I feel like I hafta
Justify my laziness.


That's all I've got in me for today. Till tomorrow...

Things I Find Fascinating: Athletes With Unusual, Unpronounceable, Or Unfortunate Names

Confession: This post didn't take a whole lot of extra effort on my part, since I often ponder over the strange and wonderful names that people are born with, or that they change their names to, as well as the interesting nicknames that people accumulate throughout their lives. This morning, I was thinking in particular about athletes. There are a variety of oddball-named people in the world of sports, and though it often isn't their fault at all, they're still very much in the public eye, and it's hard to ignore the wonderful weirdness of their names. 

So here's a list I compiled, mostly from pages on ESPN.com, of players whose names I find to be unusual, unpronounceable, or just plain unfortunate. You won't find Manute Bol, Dick Trickle, Bimbo Coles, Y.A. Tittle, or any others like them on this list, as I only included active players in the major sports. It might seem like I'm sort of making fun of them, but I'm really not. Not much at least. I figure what goes around comes around. Some of them might think I have a funny name too (although the Jason Hill who plays wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Jason Hill who plays golf probably wouldn't have a problem with it. But I digress...). Enjoy! Happy Weekend!

FILE UNDER
"It Better Mean Something Really Beautiful
In My Native Tongue, Because It's Almost
Impossible To Pronounce Or Spell"
Visanthe Shiancoe  (NFL)

Ndamukong Suh   (NFL)

Oshiomogho Atogwe  (NFL)

Pannel Egboh  (NFL)

Leger Douzable  (NFL)

Gosder Cherilus  (NFL)

Fenuki Tupou  (NFL)

Ubaldo Jimenez  (MLB)

Yuniesky Betancourt  (MLB)

Thabo Sefolosha  (NBA)

Jannero Pargo  (NBA)

Udonis Haslem  (NBA)

Beno Udrih  (NBA)

Hedo Turkoglu  (NBA)

Nene Hilario  (NBA)

Zaza Pachulia  (NBA)

Hasheem Thabeet  (NBA)

Zenon Konopka  (NHL)

Marek Zidlicky  (NHL)

Kiradech Aphibarnrat  (Golf)

Gaganjeet Bhullar  (Golf)

Clodomirro Carranza  (Golf)

Retief Goosen  (Golf)

Thongchai Jaidee  (Golf)

Pariya Junhasavasdikul  (Golf)

Prom Meesawat  (Golf)

Chinnarat Phadungsil  (Golf)

Facundo Bagnis  (Tennis)

Teymuraz Gabashvili  (Tennis)

Noppawan Lertcheewakarn  (Tennis)

Lofo Ramiaramanan  (Tennis)

Kittipong Wachiramanowong  (Tennis)

FILE UNDER

"How Did I Get Unlucky Enough 

To Be Born With This Family Name?"

Dave Zastudil  (NFL)

Ashton Youboty  (NFL)

Antonio Bastardo  (MLB)

Jeff Manship  (MLB)

Tyler Flowers  (MLB)

Jarrod Saltalamacchia  (MLB)

Taylor Teagarden  (MLB)

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute  (NBA)

Carlos Boozer  (NBA)

Vernon Fiddler  (NHL)

Cal Clutterbuck  (NHL)

Jordin Tootoo  (NHL)

Dustin Byfuglien  (NHL)

Kevin Shattenkirk  (NHL)

Jason Bacashihua  (NHL)

Greg Biffle  (NASCAR)

Grant Enfinger  (NASCAR)

Marcus Both  (Golf)

Nicolas Vanhootegem  (Golf)

Alexis Hornbuckle  (WNBA)

Whitney Boddie  (WNBA)

Karima Christmas  (WNBA)

Sybille Bammer  (Tennis)

KJ Hippensteel  (Tennis)

Lisa Whybourn  (Tennis)

FILE UNDER

"I Can't Help What My Last Name Is, 

But My Parents Could Have At Least 

Cut Me Some Slack With My First Name"

Jerricho Cotchery  (NFL)

Montario Hardesty  (NFL)

Roddrick Muckelroy  (NFL)

Brashton Satele  (NFL)

Orlando Scandrick  (NFL)

D'Brickashaw Ferguson  (NFL)

Byron Stingily  (NFL)

La Rod Stephens-Howling  (NFL)

Burke Badenhop  (MLB)

Chauncey Billups  (NBA)

Jimmer Fredette  (NBA)

Iman Shumpert  (NBA)

Luol Deng  (NBA)

Bismack Biyombo  (NBA)

DeSagana Diop  (NBA)

Tiago Splitter  (NBA)

Notah Begay III  (Golf)

Amandeep Johl  (Golf)

Alpheus Kelapile  (Golf)

Rocco Mediate  (Golf)

Tag Ridings  (Golf)

Mads Vibe-Hastrup  (Golf)

Shavonte Zellous  (WNBA)

Tully Bevilaqua  (WNBA)

Indy De Vroome  (Tennis)

Bibiane Schoofs  (Tennis)

Coco Vandeweghe  (Tennis)

FILE UNDER

"Please Tell Me That's Just A Nickname!"

Shaky Smithson  (NFL)

Ziggy Hood  (NFL)

Mister Alexander  (NFL)

Frostee Rucker  (NFL)

Metta World Peace*  (NBA)  

(*formerly Ron Artest)

Duffy Waldorf  (Golf)

Fuzzy Zoeller  (Golf)

Epiphanny Prince  (WNBA)

Cappie Pondexter  (WNBA)

Wanting Liu  (Tennis)

FILE UNDER

"The All-Ironic Team"

Cecil Shorts  (NFL)  (this could only be better if his name were Jim)

Jake Locker  (NFL)  (he has a whole room named after him near the showers)

Chad Ochocinco  (NFL)  (legally changed his name to 

match his uniform number, which is "85" not "Eight-Five")

Scott Speed  (NASCAR)  (he's a race car driver – need I say more?)

Tan White  (WNBA)  (um, excuse me, your name is an oxymoron)

Brittany Spears  (WNBA)  (well, at least it's spelled differently)

Ebony Hoffman  (WNBA)  (wait for it...wait for it...)

Ivory Latta  (WNBA)  (shades of Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder?)

Joy Cheek  (WNBA)  (aww, poor thing!)

Tennys Sandgren  (Tennis)  (the name, the sport, yeah, that's destiny for you)

Mi Yoo  (Tennis)  (okay, which one is it? Mi or Yoo?)

Anna Smashnova  (Tennis)  (known for smashing shots over the net with aplomb)

FILE UNDER
Just Plain Weird Names:

BenJarvus Green-Ellis  (NFL)

Kregg Lumpkin  (NFL)

Tressor Baptiste  (NFL)

Sampson Genus  (NFL)

Prince Amukamara  (NFL)

Ras-I Dowling  (NFL)

Atari Bigby  (NFL)

Chone Figgins  (MLB)

Shin-Soo Choo  (MLB)

Sundiata Gaines  (NBA)

Hermie Sadler  (NASCAR)

S.S.P. Chowrasia  (Golf)

Sancho Lyttle  (WNBA)

Plenette Pierson  (WNBA)

Swin Cash  (WNBA)

Ryler De Heart  (Tennis)

Julie Ditty  (Tennis)

Mardy Fish  (Tennis)

Pippa Horn  (Tennis)

Jingjing Lu  (Tennis)

WAR AND PEACE UPDATE:  I'm still sitting at 15% currently, as I've taken a bit of time off from reading it. I've gotten to the "war" part of the book, which I find far less interesting than the "peace" portion. I'm sure it'll get better after Napoleon is defeated at Waterloo, but that probably won't be for another two or three hundred pages from now. Oh, well! You take the good with the bad. I'll get there...

An Interview With The Author

Since I started blogging (almost a year ago now), I have been known to write some pretty self-indulgent stuff. If I'm not telling you random stories about my childhood, or detailing my ever-changing ambitions, I'm coming up with a list of things I find fascinating, or telling you how far I've read in War And Peace.

What do you care about all that stuff? Well, maybe you don't.

Or, if you're reading this right now, maybe you do.

Maybe it's that I can take the dumbest, most uninteresting topics imaginable and put my own creative spin on them in ways that cause you to want to read them.

Maybe I'm writing this to myself right now. Who knows?

Anyway, today marks Day 40 of my quest to write a blog post every day for a year. Since I'm roughly one-ninth of the way toward completing my goal, I thought I'd do something a little different today. Something completely self-indulgent. (Okay, maybe it's not that different.) I'm conducting an interview with myself.

Whether blogging is "real writing" or just play-acting may be up for debate. But for the sake of argument, let's call this an interview with the "Author" (represented by the "A" abbreviation and written in plain text). The "Interviewer" (represented by the "I" designation and written in italics) will be the question asker. I've culled a list of typical "author interview" questions from creativeramblings.com and paradox-theangelsarehere.blogspot.com to help myself along in this process.

If you find it interesting, great! If not, oh well, there's always tomorrow. So without further ado, here we go:


I:  Well, let's begin by asking you who you are, and what do you do? 

A:  I'm Jason Hill, and I write the blog The Plural Of Hyena. When I'm not writing for pleasure, I write professionally for Gander Direct Marketing, a subsidiary of Gander Mountain, a major outdoors and sporting goods retail company.

I:  And how long have you been blogging?

A:  This month makes a year. Although I only posted sporadically last year.

I:  What is your writing process? Do you follow a regular routine?

A:  No, not really. I usually get my ideas for blog posts at random times. Sometimes I wake up with an idea, and have to write down the "bare bones" of it so I won't forget when I actually get the chance to put it down on – I was going to say put it down on paper, but that's archaic now, isn't it? I guess I should say, when I actually get the chance to type it up. Often, I think of a great idea at an inconvenient time, like when I'm supposed to be working. At times like that, I'll just type up a brief outline, save it as a draft, and finish putting it together after work. Though I have been known to spend my lunch break at my desk, writing my blog. Quite often, actually, unless I have errands to run or something.


I:  What are the most important elements of good writing, in your opinion? What tools are must-haves for would-be writers?

A:  Well, I don't know if I'm the right person to be asking about the elements of "good" writing, but I'll give it a shot. To me, it's clearly communicating your point. Is what you're trying to say in your head coming out in your writing? If not, it's just going to be frustrating to read, and unlikely to make the impact you had hoped to make. As far as must-have tools for writers, I'd say good grammar and punctuation. I know even professional writers have editors go behind them and clean up their work, but a good writer should have a lot of those skills ingrained in them already. Misspellings and malapropisms do not make for pleasurable reading!

I:  What motivates you to write?

A:  Well, this year at least, I'm motivated by my public vow to write a new blog post every day for a year. Other than that, I think my motivation is my insatiable curiosity about everything. My wife calls it nosiness, but I prefer the word curiosity. Almost everything fascinates me. So I basically have boundless inspiration, because my curiosity is never fully satisfied.

I:  Do you ever suffer from writer’s block? If so, what do you do about it?

A:  I do, especially with this everyday blogging endeavor. Usually, if I'm blocked, I'll go back to my old posts and see if I can find anything to inspire me. Maybe it's a story I started a week or two ago that I need to continue, or finish. Maybe it's a "Things I Find Fascinating" piece that I did awhile back that leads me to think of another set of related things I find fascinating. Sometimes, I "cheat" and pull a poem or story out of my "vault" to fill the daily requirement. It's not technically cheating, because it's still stuff that I wrote, it's just not "original" to this year, or this particular day.

I:  What is the overall theme or message you're trying to convey in your blog? What are your readers' reactions to it?

A:  Wow, I don't think there's any one overall theme. Maybe ten or twenty of them! But I guess if I had to narrow it down to just one, it would be that of fascination, or maybe curiosity. I like to explore the things that I'm curious about and that fascinate me. And hopefully they fascinate other people, too. Reactions have been pretty positive in general. I often write what I hope to be funny posts, and they are usually received as such with positive comments, either on the blog itself or on my Facebook wall. Every now and then I'll write something that's not so ridiculous, and someone will say I was "insightful" or "thought-provoking", or something like that. Truthfully, I crave feedback, probably more than is reasonable. And when I write something that I really feel passionate about, or that I think is really good, and I get no responses, I feel like I've failed in some way. That's probably me being paranoid, or seeking approval too much, but it is what it is.

I:  What, if anything, have you learned from writing your blog?

A:  A lot, actually. I've learned that writing solid material on a regular basis is really hard work. I think I've also improved as a writer. Putting words together in some semblance of order is something I do on a daily basis with my job anyway. But coming up with my own material, and trying to make it make sense, and make it interesting, is challenging. On a more superficial level, I've learned a lot of useless information about random topics while researching my "Things I Find Fascinating" posts. I could probably do better on Jeopardy now than I could a few months ago. For what that's worth.

I:  What are your current or future projects?

A:  Well, aside from writing the blog, I'm trying to gather some of my older stories, poems, and essays in order to give some of them a thorough rewriting. And then my plan – well, it's what I'm thinking about doing at least – is to take the best of the old stuff, put that together with some of the new stuff I've written for the blog, and maybe try to self-publish two or three different books. One would be creative non-fiction essays (like most of my blog entries are), another would be short stories, and the third one – if I did that one – would be all poetry. I'm trying to see if I have enough good material, or could add to it with newer writings, to actually assemble a couple of decent-sized books. I'd probably start by trying to go the e-book route, as that seems to be a little bit easier for the do-it-yourselfers. But again, this is all in the early stages right now. I haven't actually looked into all my options just yet. Of course, I'd love to be published through traditional means, but I figure if I can get a couple of projects out there on my own first, if they're good enough, then maybe someone will take notice. We'll see how that goes.

 I:  As a reader, what books or authors have influenced your life and your writing?

A:  Hmm, there are so many of them, it's hard to narrow it down. I'd have to say first and foremost that the Bible has most influenced my life, and I try – not always successfully – to live my life according to God's Word. As far as what's influenced my writing, I guess I would probably say pretty much anything I've read by Stephen King, all of Dean Koontz's older stuff, and anything by Ted Dekker. I tend to like edgier thriller/horror fiction, and would love to be able to write like those guys. I really like Robert Fulghum when it comes to creative non-fiction. I'm inspired by the gentle humor of Charles Schulz's Peanuts comics, and the sarcasm of Jim Davis' Garfield strip. And I really loved the bizarre humor of the Series Of Unfortunate Events kids' book series.

I:  Do you prefer reading e-books, paperbacks, or hardcovers?

A:  All of the above. I don't really have a strong preference for any one particular format. I have a Kindle, and I'm usually reading anywhere between two and four books on it simultaneously. I usually have at least one paperback and a hardcover going at the same time, too. And then at work, I listen to audiobooks while I'm writing (which most people don't see how that's possible, but somehow it works for me).

I:  What books are you currently reading, and in what format?

A:  On the Kindle, I'm reading War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy, The Abigail Affair by Timothy Frost, and Princess Callie And The Totally Amazing Talking Tiara by Daisy Piper. In paperback, I'm reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.  In hardcover, Green River, Running Red by Ann Rule. And on audio, The Innocent Man by John Grisham. And yes, I probably do suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder.

I:  How many books do you read in a month – roughly?

A:  Last year, I probably averaged about 12 a month. But I didn't get the Kindle till November, and I've been reading more since then. So, I'd say probably about 15 or so books a month.

I:  What's your favorite color?

A:  Well, I doubt if anyone cares, but it's a toss-up between green and black.

I:  What are 5 items you never leave home without?

A:  Again with the irrelevant questions! Let's see...my wallet, cell phone, keys, at least one pen, and probably my Kindle. 

I:  Cats or dogs?

A:  Cats. We have three of them: Fred, Mikey, and Winnie. I think dogs are cute, but they make me a little nervous.

I:  Coffee or tea?

A:  Both. Coffee in the morning. Sweet tea at night. Water and diet soda throughout the day. Why do you need to know these things? 

I:  I'm just going down the list of questions I was provided with. Don't worry, there's only four more of them. What is your favorite food?

A:  Fried chicken.

I:  Vanilla or chocolate ice cream?

A:  Mint chocolate chip. It's the best!

I:  What scares you?

A:  Lots of things. But if I had to list three, I would say: a home invasion while I'm at home, falling out of a moving vehicle, and being fired.

I:  Last question. Where can we stalk you online?

A:  On my blog at lazyspleen.blogspot.com  (The Plural Of Hyena).  On my Facebook page at facebook.com/jasonpaulhill.  Or on Twitter at twitter.com/lazyspleen – but I'm almost never on there.

I:  Thank you for your time.

A:  Don't mention it.

Fourteen Things NOT To Buy Your Significant Other For Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again. When hopeless guys try desperately to figure out what to buy their lovely ladies for Valentine's Day. When ladies know exactly what they want to receive, but don't want to have to spell it out for their hopeless guys. And inevitably, nobody wins...

Well, I may not have all the answers. Strike that – I don't have ANY of the answers. After all, I too am a hopeless guy. But I can offer a few suggestions of what NOT to get your ladies for Valentine's Day, guys. How do I know these things? From personal experience, you ask? No, not really. But I have common sense. And I know these are some really bad gifts to give. Avoid them like overused clichés!

DISCLAIMER:  I will fully admit that I could be wrong in some cases. Maybe there is a lady out there who's dying to have a gnome clock or a new toilet seat cover, or...but I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, if I have misjudged any of you ladies out there and one of these "thoughtful" items IS on your wish list, then I apologize in advance for my presumptions. But I think I'm probably right in most cases. You be the judge...

1)  Shredded Coconut In A Can:  While this may be the love of your life, Hopeless Guy – though I seriously doubt it – I don't think your lady would appreciate unwrapping a can (or two, or three) of shredded coconut. Even if you went to the trouble of using said coconut to make a coconut cake, as seen in the picture below, I still don't think this is quite the impression you want to make on her. Especially if you are still just dating, and would like for your relationship to eventually lead to bigger and better things, like marriage.

2)  The Hoodie-Footie:  I don't care if it does offer "head-to-toe comfort" or is "made from marshmallow soft fleece," this is one creepy gift to give or to receive. It may now be available in a "hot" leopard print, complete with attached ears, wrist cuffs, and "unique thumbholes" – but sexy it's not. It's ridiculous. It's only a slight upgrade from the Snuggie, which isn't saying a whole lot. Sure, it will keep her warm, but as far as having any visual appeal whatsoever, it's severely lacking. There are plenty of stores which sell much more appealing sleep wear. Go to them; they can help you, Hopeless Guy. But don't get her the Hoodie-Footie – if you know what's good for you, just don't do it.

3)  The Big Hunka Love Bear:  This four-and-a-half foot tall teddy bear, from the Vermont Teddy Bear company, is no substitute for you, Hopeless Guy; I don't care how much the voiceover announcer tries to convince you otherwise. The Big Hunka Love Bear may indeed be "a pile of awesomeness," but it's just not normal – on any level. No one in their right mind would prefer the company of a life-size teddy bear to a living, breathing human being. If she spends time alone with this teddy bear and thinking of you the entire time, Hopeless Guy – well, I hate to break it to you, but you might have a real weirdo on your hands. As the video says, "Don't go there!" Well, it was talking about chocolates, but I'm talking about the Big Hunka Love Bear. Just don't do it.



4)  Sex For Dummies Book:  Okay, this one's directed specifically at the married folks. Even if you think that your wife (or even your husband, ladies) needs to read this book, it is NOT – I repeat NOT – a good gift to give them on Valentine's Day. Not only will it likely cause them to experience strong feelings of shame and inferiority, it will also take them too long to read the book to do anything about changing the situation you are in, whatever that may be. (And I don't want to know.) I realize there is a genuine need for books like these, but not on Valentine's Day. Never then.

5)  Tickets To The "Build A Zombie Puppet Workshop":  Now I realize, Hopeless Guys, that for some of you, a "Build A Zombie Puppet Workshop" coming to your town is like a dream come true. And for you, this might make the perfect gift. But your sweetie doesn't want to learn how to make zombie puppets. She might even be offended or creeped out by it. I realize that this would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for you, and because you love her, you want to share these kinds of experiences with her. But this is not the right thing to do for Valentine's Day. The workshop is the day before Valentine's Day. Here's what you do: Go to the workshop by yourself, have a blast, make a puppet or two. Then, for the love of all that's holy, go do something romantic with your lady the next day. Not this – she doesn't want any part of it. Trust me.

6)  Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt:  For those of you who didn't know that the Hoodie-Footie was a bad idea for a gift, here's another helpful hint. Neither is the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt. Not only is it ridiculously overpriced for a novelty item, it's also ridiculous-looking. And probably uncomfortable. And problematic if you and your significant other, like these two in the picture, are of vastly different heights. Save your money and buy lots of anything else for her, whether it be flowers, chocolates, or truly anything else other than this. It's just, well, awful.

7)  Reservations At White Castle For A Romantic Burger Dinner:  There's nothing wrong with a good burger – and from what I hear, White Castle excels at making them. But unless your sweetie is crazy about hamburgers, this is probably not the most romantic place you could take her on Valentine's Day. Reserve a place in her heart somewhere else – somewhere with soft lighting, maybe a live jazz band, or simply have a nice dinner at home, that you cooked. But not White Castle. It just doesn't scream "I've had the time of my life, and I've never felt like this before...", which is probably more what you're going for on Valentine's Day.

8)  Scope Mouthwash:  I don't care how much you think she may need it – mouthwash is not the answer for a last-minute Valentine's Day gift. I don't care whether the color of Scope matches her eyes or not. It's not what she was hoping for from you, it's not what she was dreaming of, and frankly it's flat-out insulting. Get some Scope for yourself – use it before you go on your date with her. But don't give her Scope as a gift. That's just not okay on any level.

9)  Leopard Print Commode Cover:  Woo her with flowers, woo her with chocolates, but don't ever, ever try to woo her with toilet seat covers. It doesn't matter whether or not animal prints are her thing, she still won't want to sit on them in the bathroom. This is a very bad idea for a Valentine's Day gift idea. Please move on. Like, now.

10)  King Ah-Ah-Choo Tissue Box Cover:  No one can argue that this is a unique gift. It's not every day you get to pull a Kleenex out of a pharaoh's nose. It appeals to your inner Indiana Jones. It offers historical perspective – pharaohs had stuffy noses, too. But it does not make a good Valentine's Day gift for the love of your life. It's just too weird. Don't do it. Trust me on this one.

11)  Axe-Wielding Garden Gnome Clock:  I don't care if she does like garden gnomes. I don't care if she likes axes. I don't even care if she likes clocks. When you put the three of these things together, it adds up to a very poor choice for a Valentine's Day gift. Sure, she can boast that she's the only one of her girl friends who has one of these. But she won't boast about it. She won't even tell anyone about it. She won't post a picture of it on her Facebook wall. She might not even thank you. What she will do is – as soon she knows you're not looking – dig a hole, set the clock on fire, and bury the flaming pieces where no one (not even a curious dog) will ever find it again.

12)  Grandfather Clock With Free Roses:  While we're on the subject of clocks, a grandfather clock is also a good example of something that you should NOT buy your sweetheart for Valentine's Day. Sure, Old Time Clock Shop may throw in a free dozen roses with your purchase. But it's not worth it. Put simply, a grandfather clock is not a sexy gift. It's impersonal, it's quite heavy, and it has a tendency to chime loudly at inconvenient times. Save your money and buy two or three dozen roses yourself. You'll thank me later.

13)  The Ultimate Barry Manilow Karaoke CD:  Let's face it. When it comes to cheesy, sappy, and unbearably saccharine love songs, Barry Manilow is the undisputed king. But if you happen to see this CD in the store, or spot the MP3 version of it somewhere online and think – "Wow, wouldn't she LOVE that?" – the answer is no. She wouldn't love it. She would hate it. (Almost anyone would.) And she'd never even come close to actually playing it. Or singing along with it. Ever.

14)  Either Of These Creepy Cards (Or Anything Remotely Resembling Them):  There's a reason they don't make cards like these any more. Because they're horrible. And utterly despicable. And any number of other words which mean "deplorable". If you absolutely MUST buy her a card and ONLY a card (and I don't recommend this, either), then at least find her a decent one. Not one of these monstrosities. At least, not if you want to ensure the future health of your relationship with her. Just. Say. No.