Fun Phrases And Tongue Twisters To Read Aloud Loudly

Do your friends and family complain that it's hard to understand you when you speak? Do you speak too fast? Too slow? Do you mumble? Do you mispronounce your words? 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then it's high time that you practiced your diction and articulation. The following exercises should be of help to you – but only if you read them aloud.

If you answered "no" to all of the above questions, then answer one more for me: Do you like to entertain, or be entertained? If "yes," then try reading the following diction and articulation exercises out loud. You'll laugh at yourself and begin to feel self-conscious as others around you laugh as well.

Gathered from various places on the Web, I hope you will enjoy these exercises – whether you need them or not!

1)  Amidst the mists and coldest frosts

      With stoutest wrists and loudest boasts

      He thrusts his fists against the posts

      And still insists he sees the ghosts.

2)  Around and round the rough and rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.

3)  The seething sea ceaseth, and thus the seething sea sufficeth us.

4)  Sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a bed.

5)  The big black bug bit the big black bear, and the big black bear bled blue blood.

6)  She says she shall sew a sheet.

7)  Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

      A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.

      If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers

      Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

8)  I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop. Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits.

9)  How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

10)  Theophilus Thistler, the thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve of unsifted thistles, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb.

11)  Betty bought a bit of butter, but she found the butter bitter, so Betty bought a bit of better butter to make the bitter butter better.

12)  My cutlery cuts keenly and cleanly.

13)  Larry sent the latter a letter later.

14)  You know New York

         You need New York

         You know you need unique New York.

15)  Which witch watched which watch?

16)  When does the wrist watch strap shop shut?

17)  A cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

18)  Lesser leather never weathered lesser wetter weather.

19)  Few free fruit flies fly from flames.

20)  Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

21)  To sit in solemn silence in a dull dark dock

         In a pestilential prison with a life-long lock

         Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock

         From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black lock.

22)  What a to-do to die today

         At a minute or two to two

         A thing distinctly hard to say

         But a harder thing to do.

         For they'll beat a tattoo at two today

         A rat-a-tat at two

         And the dragon will come when he hears the drum

         At a minute or two to two today

         At a minute or two today.

23)  A tree toad loved a she-toad

         Who lived up in a tree.

         He was a two-toed tree toad

         But a three-toed toad was she.

         The two-toed tree toad tried to win

         The three-toed tree toad's heart.

         For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground

         That the three-toed tree toad trod.

         But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain

         He couldn't please her whim.

         From her tree toad bower

         With her three-toed power

         The she-toad vetoed him.

24)  A flea and a fly in a flue

         Were imprisoned. So what could they do?

         Said the fly, "Let us flee."

         Said the flea, "Let us fly."

         So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

25)  Give me the gift of a grip-top sock,

         A clip-drape shipshape tip-top sock.

         Not your spin-slick slapstick slipshod stock,

         But a plastic, elastic grip-top sock.

         None of your fantastic slack swap slop

         From a slap-dash flash-cash haberdash shop.

         Not a knick-knack knit-lock 

         Knock-kneed knickerbocker sock

         With a mock-shot blob-mottled trick-ticker top clock.

         Not a super-sheet seersucker rucksack sock,

         Not a spot-speckled frog-freckled cheap sheik's sock

         Off a hodge-podge moss-blotched scotch-botched block.

         Nothing slipshod drip-drop flip-flop or glip-glop

         Tip me to a tip-top grip-top sock.

10 Songs With Vegetable Names In The Titles

Don't think too much. Just revel in the experience of some good, quirky music. Here you'll find a drizzle of rock, a pat of pop, a sprinkle of folk, a dash of country, a pinch of jazz, a splash of punk, and a touch of soul. All songs listed have the names of vegetables in their titles – some are actually about those vegetables, and some are not. Enjoy!


1)  Arrogant Worms  ~  "Carrot Juice Is Murder"

2)  Pink Martini  ~  "Hang On Little Tomato"

3)  Happy Campers  ~  "Eat Your Green Beans"

4)  Travis Tritt  ~  "Where Corn Don't Grow"

5)  The B-52's   ~  "Butterbean"

6)  Fantasia Barrino  ~  "Collard Greens & Cornbread"

7)  Kaleidoscope  ~  "Jenny Artichoke"

8)  Train  ~  "Eggplant"

9)  Meiko  ~  "You & Onions"

10)  The Mountain Goats  ~  "Horseradish Road"

Things I Find Fascinating: Stupid Names Celebrities Give Their Kids

So...in a valiant effort to rule out all the other possibilities of names for our child, we broke down and bought a baby names book last week. In addition to cataloguing over 10,000 names in alphabetical order, separated by girls' names and boys' names respectively, the book also includes a number of themed name lists designed to inspire and generate discussion in expectant parents. One such list in the book struck my attention by its utter ludicrousness. (I want to use the word "ludicrosity" here, but multiple sources – not the least of which is Blogger's built-in spellcheck – inform me that it's not actually a word...tragic!)

The list was titled "Names Celebrities Give Their Kids" or something to that effect. While there are a few creative, poetic-sounding names in the lot, there are also a lot of truly horrible names. I suppose it shouldn't really surprise me that the entertainment industry – which produces its fair share of oddballs – should generate some of the most dreadful names known to mankind for its offspring. But even considering the source, some of these appellations are truly appalling. Without further ado, here are 15 of the stupidest celebrity kid names from that list:


1)  AUDIO SCIENCE:  Actress Shannyn Sossamon and children's book author Dallas Clayton are responsible for giving their poor son this monstrosity of a name. Apparently they call him, simply, "Science." Of course they do...


2)  BANJO PATRICK:  Yes, actress Rachel Griffiths and her hubby, Andrew Taylor, named their son Banjo! Here's the thing I don't understand – the couple also has two daughters, one called Adelaide Rose and the other Clementine Grace – lovely name combinations both of them. If they could come up with nice names for their daughters, why saddle their only son with the asinine name of Banjo?


3)  BLUEBELL MADONNA:  "Ginger Spice" Geri Halliwell (of the Spice Girls pop group) gave her dear daughter this messed-up moniker. Being a pop singer herself, it sort of makes sense that Halliwell would name her daughter after Madonna (if indeed she was her inspiration), but why Bluebell? You know that kid's going to hate her name as soon as she's cognizant of its stupidity and will likely have it changed as soon as she's legally old enough to do so.


4)  BRONX MOWGLI:  The Simpson sisters (Jessica and Ashlee) have never been famous for their great intelligence, so it should come as no surprise really that Ashlee Simpson would name her son (with now-ex-husband Pete Wentz) after a New York City borough and a Jungle Book character.


5)  DIVA THIN MUFFIN PIGEEN:  Musician Frank Zappa, if he had actually had enough children to do so, could have filled this entire list of stupid celebrity kid names. Alas, Frank and Gail Zappa only had three other children besides Diva. Their names are Dweezil (boy), Moon Unit (girl), and Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boy).  #smh


6)  ELIJAH BOB PATRICIOUS GUGGI Q:  U2's Bono and his wife Alison gave their son this laughable name combination. Nothing wrong with Elijah; nothing wrong with Bob. The rest of that name is just ridiculous! This is another head-shaker, because their other kids' names are Jordan (girl), Memphis Eve (girl), and John Abraham (boy) – all extremely normal names, except for Memphis Eve, which is actually quite lovely. So why the ridiculous name for their other child? I have no answers for you – only questions.


7)  FIFI TRIXIBELLE:  Musician Bob Geldof (with then-wife Paula Yates) has also been directly or indirectly responsible for a number of stupidly named children. Fifi Trixibelle is one of them. Geldof and Yates were also the parents of Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie (both daughters). Yates later divorced Geldof and had a relationship with INXS singer Michael Hutchence, with whom she had another daughter, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, who apparently now goes by, simply, "Tiger Lily." Of course she does...


8)  MANZIE TIO:  I always knew that Woody Allen was weird, but I didn't know he was this cruel. Allen and wife Soon-Yi Previn gave their daughter this unusual – bordering on stupid – name. I'm going to slightly give them the benefit of the doubt here – perhaps the two names mean something beautiful in another language. But they don't necessarily make for a very pretty name for a little girl.


9)  MOXIE CRIMEFIGHTER:  The talkative half of illusionist/comedy duo Penn & Teller, Penn Jillette, gave his daughter (with wife Emily) this absurdly ridiculous moniker. Perhaps if you were trying to come up with a great name for a comic book superhero, this could work – but for a real, live baby? This is just sad!


10)  PILOT INSPEKTOR:  Actor Jason Lee and then-fiancee Beth Riesgraf reportedly named their son after a song by indie rock band Grandaddy called "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's The Pilot." It makes this silly name that much worse to know that "he's simple" and "he's dumb" were also part of the song's title. Did Lee expect his progeny to be an idiot?  #smh again!


11)  SPECK WILDHORSE:  Singer/musician John Mellencamp gave one of his two sons (with now-ex-wife Elaine Irwin) this oddball name. The other one's name isn't much better: it's Hud. His two daughters from previous marriages are named Teddi Jo and Justice. Odd but not awful. Speck, though? That's awful!


12)  SEVEN SIRIUS:  Singer Erykah Badu has been responsible for several head-shaking names with three different fathers. Seven Sirius, a son, is her oldest, sired by OutKast rapper André 3000. She later had a daughter – Puma Sabti – with rapper The D.O.C. Her youngest daughter, fathered by boyfriend Jay Electronica, is named Mars Merkaba. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up!


13)  SUNNY BEBOP:  Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea (real name: Michael Balzary) and wife Frankie Ryder gave their daughter this bright, yet truly weird name. I can't quite decide if it's an absolutely darling name or if it's straight-up ridiculous. Since I've included it here, I guess I'm siding with ridiculous.


14)  ZUMA NESTA ROCK:  Celebrity rule of thumb: When two very famous people get together and have kids, they will almost definitely give their children weird names. Such is the case with singer Gwen Stefani (of the group No Doubt) and rocker Gavin Rossdale (lead singer of Bush). The thing is, this married couple didn't do too bad naming their first son: Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. But they dropped the ball with Zuma Nesta Rock. That's just not a cool name on any level.


15)  JERMAJESTY:  Jermaine Jackson, of The Jackson 5 fame and brother of world-class weirdo Michael Jackson, gave his ninth and final child this "majestic" (if highly self-indulgent) name. Jermaine's other kids (Jermaine Jr., Autumn Joy, Jaimy, Dawn, Jeremy, Jourdynn Michael, Donte, and Jaafar) don't suffer nearly as much from Jackson's pomposity. Poor kid!


There are many more of this fascinatingly bad baby names I could've included here, if I only had unlimited time and your unlimited attention. Like The Cosby Show's Lisa Bonet's son, Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, for one. Or celebrity chef Jamie Oliver's goofy-if-slightly-adorable-sounding gaggle of young'uns with wife Jools (Buddy Bear, Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, and Petal Blossom). But names are subjective, and if I kept going, you might start disagreeing with me on what's stupid and what's not. And you might well be right. So I'll stop here. Until tomorrow...

How Things Are, In Case You Were Wondering

It's Monday – so far as I know – and I'm tired. Really tired.

We spent our weekend: 1) Cleaning our house from top to bottom to get it ready for a showing on Saturday afternoon and an Open House on Sunday afternoon; and 2) Grading papers (me) and lesson-planning (Mary).

We spend at least the equivalent of one full work day on both 1 and 2 almost every weekend now. Which makes it difficult to do the things we want and need to do – like going to church, for example. We didn't go at all yesterday. I know people probably think that makes us "bad Christians" or renders us irreligious, or something to that effect. I don't consider that to be the case at all. I call it surviving.

(Incidentally, I hate feeling guilty about the things I can't change, but I still feel it. Whether it's because of outside influences and/or opinions or it's my own conscience needling me, I don't know.)

We have to have jobs. We're growing a kid – he'll have to eat. Yes, it's hard for Mary to work these kinds of hours being six months pregnant. Yes, it's hard on her trying to clean the house (even doing the lighter-duty stuff) being six months pregnant. Yes, it's hard on me to have to do the "harder" stuff. Yes, it's annoying for me to have to spend long hours grading papers. But if I don't do it, she may not get to them.

Changing the core standards for what has to be taught and taking away the textbooks has virtually negated all of Mary's previous lesson plans, so she's starting from scratch, planning every lesson as though she's never taught it before. Because, in essence, she hasn't – at least not in this exact way. So I grade for her – and I don't mind it. Because it has to be done, and because I love her.

I wish Mary could just quit her job. But she can't – we can't afford to live on just one income right now. I'd like to have a better-paying job, but I'd have to start from scratch somewhere new, and I'd have no vacation, which means I'd not be able to stay out with Mary when the baby comes – and I will be staying out with her, at least at first.

Every day when we leave the house, we have to make sure that everything is perfect – in case there should be a showing that day. It's stressful, living in a space that you're trying to sell. It's hard when you bust your butt to get the place clean for an Open House and no one shows up (as was the case yesterday). It's no one's fault – that's just what happened.

Mary's back and hips hurt so bad every day. Her legs and feet swell every day. I do what I can to help the pain, but I can only do so much. I rub, I massage, it hurts, it helps, but it always comes back again. I hurt for her – figuratively, not literally. Carrying a baby is the hardest thing she's ever experienced, and I'm experiencing it with her, but it's not the same. Sometimes I can only sit and watch, because nothing else helps.

Then there's the naming of our child. We thought it would be easier than it is. When we found out we were having a boy, we thought, great – we have fewer boy names that we really liked than girl names. But then we thought about it, and realized we hadn't thoroughly analyzed all the possibilities.

So we decided to start from scratch and see what we come up with. We have been doing so, whenever there's a spare minute (which is to say, not very often). But so far, we've come to no consensus. Because it's so important – a name, an identity, something that you carry with you all your life – we want to get it right. We want to love it like we love him. We want him to love it. This is hard.

We have other decisions to make about our baby. There's his childcare to be determined – who, where, when, and etc. – once Mary goes back to work. There's his nursery to be set up – we haven't even started on that. We don't know if we'll be living in our current place or a new one by the time he gets here. (There are not-set-in-stone plans to pull the house off the market by a certain date if it hasn't sold so we can prepare a suitable room for him in our current house, but we'd rather sell it now and move.)

In less than two weeks, the drama production is happening, whether we're ready or not. I have a sizable part in one skit, which I'm also directing. I'm directing another skit as well as overseeing the entire production. There have been director changes, cast changes, and scheduling complications, and all this while everything else (that I've already mentioned) has been going on. Sometimes I dream that it all falls apart the night of the performance, and I hope that it's only a nightmare and won't come true. But I don't know that for sure.

The holidays are coming. I don't know how they're going to go. We usually host Thanksgiving at our place, but Mary will be eight months pregnant by then and who knows how she'll be feeling, or what she will and won't be able to do at that point. Christmas is so close to baby's arrival date (he's supposed to be here around January 5th) that he could already have arrived by then. So we don't know what to do about Christmas, either.

We've been trying to get a good night's sleep while it's still theoretically possible, but rampant thoughts and chronic pain and stupid cats often prevent that from happening. So we're both tired. Most of the time.

I suppose it's possible to have more stress than I have – correction: than we have – at this point, but I don't actually want to find out. It's exhausting. And overwhelming. And slightly depressing.

Maybe if I'd gotten more than four hours of sleep last night, I wouldn't be droning on like this, but that's what I got, and this is what it is.

I think it says something about my current state of mind that I am listening to (audiobook) and reading (actual book) two different Stephen King novels right now, and when I am reading them, I am most at peace. Stephen King. A horror writer. When I'm not reading those two, I'm probably reading a Stieg Larsson thriller – also not a very happy book. Yeah. It's like that.

I don't know how to end this. I want to just scream, but you wouldn't be able to hear it. I could cry, but it wouldn't help – and I don't really cry anyway. So I'll just click "Publish" and hope you read it. If only so I know – so that we know – that someone else outside our little world is aware that sometimes life is hard. But I probably don't have to tell you that anyway. Right?

Interesting Quotes By Edgar Allan Poe, On The 163rd Anniversary Of His Death

In remembrance of one of my favorite all-time authors -- Edgar Allan Poe, master storyteller and poet -- I present a smattering of some of his more memorable quotes. Enjoy!

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night."

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

"We loved with a love that was more than love."

"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears."

"If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered."

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality."

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

"I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it."

"I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat."

"That pleasure which is at once the most pure, the most elevating and the most intense, is derived, I maintain, from the contemplation of the beautiful."

"The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be."

"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?"

"Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence."

"Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words."

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."

"Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them."

"To vilify a great man is the readiest way in which a little man can himself attain greatness."

I Can't Believe I Wrote That Either!

Several months ago, I posted an entry called "I Can't Believe I Wrote That!" I honestly can't think of a better prologue to include here than the one I used then so, if you'll forgive me for doing so, I'm going to quote myself. Then I'll give you 10 "new" old poems/songs from my embarrassing early days as a writer.

Intro from original post:

In going back over literally hundreds of pages of my old poems, stories, snippets of ideas, intriguing titles, and what-not, I am amazed at the sheer volume of worthless (pardon the slang) crap I have written over the years.

True, I was much younger and far more inexperienced as a human being when I wrote most of these. But even taking that into consideration, I have written some truly lousy stuff in my time.

Some of it isn't even all that horrible as much as it is embarrassingly shallow and dreadfully self-deprecating. (You want teen angst? I got teen angst, in spades – or I did, at least!)

So, despite the fact that 99.9% of this drivel should never, ever, ever see the light of day, I have a blog post to write today, and I figured that you should have to suffer through some of this junk every bit as much as I have had to in rereading it recently.

There's little value in the pieces to follow, so consider yourself forewarned. It is interesting, though, to see how much I've learned about writing in the years since these pieces were written. I'd like to think I've come a long, long way...

1)  "High Metallic Shine"

Honed to perfection

Stretched with innocence

Lethal injection

Slapped by fate

Scratched by nothing

Touched by nature

Blinded by everything

Smoldering imprints.

Used to be fine

Used to be mine

Brand new gun

High metallic shine.

Don't solve a problem

But for a time

Brand new gun

High metallic shine.

Sharpened by witticism

Shined with alabaster

Constructed with criticism

Handled with care, this side up

Used as a toothbrush, way back when

Grinding the mineral to stone

Hidden in secret once again

Thrust into a conspiracy.

Used to be fine

Used to be mine

Brand new knife

High metallic shine.

Don't solve a problem

But for a time

Brand new knife

High metallic shine.

2)  "Black Shoe Polish"

Paint the sky a shade of black

That's darker than the light I lack.

Open up a whole new world

Where colors are absorbed, then swirled.

Introduce my eyes to light

Never have they seen the sight.

You don't have to blind my eyes with black shoe polish

You do so with your words.

You don't need to put cotton in my ears

So I can't hear what I've already heard.

Paint the sky a shade of black

Much darker than the night.

Take out all the colors

So we'll only have black light.

Shade my eyes with sunglasses

So everything is jaded.

Maybe it will make me homesick

For memories that faded.

You don't have to blind my eyes with black shoe polish

You do so with your words.

You don't need to put cotton in my ears

So I can't hear what I've already heard.

3)  "Teapot Dome" (Ode To President Warren G. Harding)

He wasn't a very good leader

But he was a likable guy.

He gave his so-called friends some power

But they ruined him, he didn't know why.

The President and his Ohio Gang

Thought the nation was theirs to control.

But they made their boss a laughingstock

And turned the hearts of the nation cold.

If you can't trust your friends

Who can ya trust?

Warren was only doing

What he thought he must.

The politics had him enslaved

It drove him to an early grave.

The road only gets harder

Once you've started.

A conflict of interest with oil companies

A scandalous situation.

But Harding couldn't right the wrongs

And pressure led to frustration.

And his so-called friends

Who'd caused the mess

Refused to take the blame.

And at the age of 58

Warren died without a name.

If you can't trust your friends

Who can ya trust?

Warren was only doing

What he thought he must.

The politics had him enslaved

It drove him to an early grave.

The road only gets harder

Once you've started.

4)  "Sandwich Bag"

You threw my class ring into a sandwich bag.

There went our long-time love, into a sandwich bag.

Our love was – you implied – dull as a sandwich bag.

Today, I'll start all over, with a brand-new sandwich bag.

They said we wouldn't last

You proved them right.

They said I moved too fast

They said we'd fight.

Yesterday we broke up over a sandwich bag.

I said that it was mine, and I told you not to nag.

You got your feelings hurt, and now I'm feeling bad.

Even though I apologized about the sandwich bag.

They said we wouldn't last

We proved them right.

I spoke my mind too fast

And we had a fight.

I took my class ring out of that dumb sandwich bag.

I want to look ahead, but I keep looking back.

Our love was – you implied – dull as a sandwich bag.

Can't we just work things out, and throw away that bag?

They said we wouldn't last

We proved them right.

Our love ended too fast

Let's make it right.

5)  "Onions"

Onions always make me cry

And so do you.

Onions turn my stomach sick

And so do you.

Onions are worthless vegetables

And so are you.

Onion rings are awfully thick

And so are you.

I hate onions

Almost as much as I hate you.

I hate onions

No need to ask me why that's true.

I hate onions

And I don't care how you fix 'em.

'Cause love and onions aren't the same

So just don't try to mix 'em.

Onions have a rancid flavor

And so do you.

Onions make me want to hurl

And so do you.

Onions should be against the law

Ånd so should you.

Onions are messing up my world

And so are you.

I hate onions

Almost as much as I hate you.

I hate onions

No need to ask me why that's true.

I hate onions

And I don't care how you fix 'em.

'Cause love and onions aren't the same

So just don't try to mix 'em.

6)  "Listless"

Open your notebooks

And close the gate.

Teach me nothing

Make me hate.

Catch the weasel

And don't be later.

Start a fire, Fly

I just can't wait.

I'm cold and I'm hungry

And I'm feeling so alone.

All I've got's my sports car

And my cellular phone.

Don't call me, don't beep me

I want to be alone.

I'm homeless and listless

And I don't know what's going on.

I feel paranormal

You look like a yutz.

Move all the breakables

I'm such a klutz.

Singing a sea chant

And it's way off-key.

Leave your housebroken

Pets here with me.

I'm cold and I'm hungry

And I'm feeling so alone.

All I've got's my sports car

And my cellular phone.

Don't call me, don't beep me

I want to be alone.

I'm homeless and listless

And I don't know what's going on.

Trip the alarm, son

And spill the milk.

Kool-Aid grass stains

You're smooth as silk.

Shave your eyebrows

I'm starting to sneeze.

Wish I could have

Three wishes, please.

I'm cold and I'm hungry

And I'm feeling so alone.

All I've got's my sports car

And my cellular phone.

Don't call me, don't beep me

I want to be alone.

I'm homeless and listless

And I don't know what's going on.

7)  "Be Serious"

My mother said that I just make too many jokes.

She said that if I don't straighten up, I'll choke.

She told me to get my mind on what I'm trying to do.

But how can I help from laughing when I'm alone with you?

It's hard to be serious

When you look so dumb.

It's hard not to crack a smile

When you suck your thumb.

I know you're old enough

To know better, but you don't.

So how can I be serious

When I don't know what you want?

My friends tell me to stop making fun of your face.

But when I see you, there's a grin I just can't erase.

I know it's an unwritten rule that ya don't insult your girl.

But it's not my fault that when we're close, I want to hurl.

It's hard to be serious

When you look so dumb.

It's hard not to crack a smile

When you suck your thumb.

I know you're old enough

To know better, but you don't.

So how can I be serious

When I don't know what you want?

Do you have a problem, or were you just born that way?

I've been trying to keep a straight face every single day.

But you just look so stupid that I feel I have to tell  –

If you're trying to make a change, you're not doing too well.

It's hard to be serious

When you look so dumb.

It's hard not to crack a smile

When you suck your thumb.

I know you're old enough

To know better, but you don't.

So how can I be serious

When I don't know what you want?

8)  "Disease"

Infectious disease

Don't invade my pancreas

I might need it someday.

Infectious disease

Don't invade my legs

I still like to run.

Infectious disease

Don't invade my brain

I just might need my common sense.

Contagious disease

Don't invade my earwax

A guy's gotta have his fun.

Infectious disease

Don't invade my lips

Invade anything else but this.

Infectious disease

Contagious disease

Please don't invade my lips

'Cause someday I'm gonna give her a kiss.

So take my spleen, my ribs, my epiglottis

But don't mess with my lips

'Cause I still owe her a kiss.

9)  "Aspirin"

Wash you down with a bucket of rain

Thank you for killing all of my pain.

Hit in the head with a two by four

Thankfully, I can still make it to the door.

Caught in the gut with a staple gun

You're there when I need you

You're always the one.

Got run down by a semi-truck

The next tin of aspirin cost me a buck.

Aspirin makes things better

So will she, if you let her.

Aspirin makes you feel okay

Give the girl a chance

She'll see things your way.

Swallow you up, and gulp you down

Took so much aspirin, I'm gonna drown.

Smashed in the skull with a big sledgehammer

Vision is blurred, and I'm starting to stammer.

And if that wasn't enough, then what about this?

I got my face slapped trying to get a goodnight kiss.

These things may pain me, but nothing hurt more

Than last night when she left, when she slammed the door.

Aspirin makes things better

So will she, if you let her.

Aspirin makes you feel okay

Give the girl a chance

She'll see things your way.

10)  "Big Deal"

So we put a man on the moon

And fed ourselves with a silver spoon.

But I couldn't care any less

The world's a hopeless, stupid mess.

So we fought a war and won –

But while we fought, did we have fun?

I don't know what I'm searching for

I feel as if I'm always bored.

So what? Big deal!

Apathy don't interest me.

So what, who cares?

Life's an unsolved mystery.

So what? Big deal!

Why do they always ask why?

So what's the point?

You're born, you live, and then you die.

So a thousand kids can't read –

What's the purpose? What's the need?

All you need to know is stuff

You learn from life, and not a book.

So the world's a hopeless cause –

You break a sweat, they break the laws.

A vicious cycle we can't win –

Now look what we have gotten into.

So what, big deal

Apathy don't interest me.

So what, who cares?

Life's an unsolved mystery.

So what, big deal

Why do they always ask why?

So what's the point?

You're born, you live, and then you die.

I'd like to promise you that I'll never put you, Dear Reader, through the agony of reading any of these again, but I can't do that. I have tons more I could dredge up, and I still have 85 days left in this year to blog, and I may very well run out of original ideas before then (though I haven't so far). Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read these (if you indeed did so). And now they can return to the "vault," never to be seen again. Hopefully... ~ JH