I Can't Believe I Wrote That Either!

Several months ago, I posted an entry called "I Can't Believe I Wrote That!" I honestly can't think of a better prologue to include here than the one I used then so, if you'll forgive me for doing so, I'm going to quote myself. Then I'll give you 10 "new" old poems/songs from my embarrassing early days as a writer.

Intro from original post:

In going back over literally hundreds of pages of my old poems, stories, snippets of ideas, intriguing titles, and what-not, I am amazed at the sheer volume of worthless (pardon the slang) crap I have written over the years.

True, I was much younger and far more inexperienced as a human being when I wrote most of these. But even taking that into consideration, I have written some truly lousy stuff in my time.

Some of it isn't even all that horrible as much as it is embarrassingly shallow and dreadfully self-deprecating. (You want teen angst? I got teen angst, in spades – or I did, at least!)

So, despite the fact that 99.9% of this drivel should never, ever, ever see the light of day, I have a blog post to write today, and I figured that you should have to suffer through some of this junk every bit as much as I have had to in rereading it recently.

There's little value in the pieces to follow, so consider yourself forewarned. It is interesting, though, to see how much I've learned about writing in the years since these pieces were written. I'd like to think I've come a long, long way...

1)  "High Metallic Shine"

Honed to perfection

Stretched with innocence

Lethal injection

Slapped by fate

Scratched by nothing

Touched by nature

Blinded by everything

Smoldering imprints.

Used to be fine

Used to be mine

Brand new gun

High metallic shine.

Don't solve a problem

But for a time

Brand new gun

High metallic shine.

Sharpened by witticism

Shined with alabaster

Constructed with criticism

Handled with care, this side up

Used as a toothbrush, way back when

Grinding the mineral to stone

Hidden in secret once again

Thrust into a conspiracy.

Used to be fine

Used to be mine

Brand new knife

High metallic shine.

Don't solve a problem

But for a time

Brand new knife

High metallic shine.

2)  "Black Shoe Polish"

Paint the sky a shade of black

That's darker than the light I lack.

Open up a whole new world

Where colors are absorbed, then swirled.

Introduce my eyes to light

Never have they seen the sight.

You don't have to blind my eyes with black shoe polish

You do so with your words.

You don't need to put cotton in my ears

So I can't hear what I've already heard.

Paint the sky a shade of black

Much darker than the night.

Take out all the colors

So we'll only have black light.

Shade my eyes with sunglasses

So everything is jaded.

Maybe it will make me homesick

For memories that faded.

You don't have to blind my eyes with black shoe polish

You do so with your words.

You don't need to put cotton in my ears

So I can't hear what I've already heard.

3)  "Teapot Dome" (Ode To President Warren G. Harding)

He wasn't a very good leader

But he was a likable guy.

He gave his so-called friends some power

But they ruined him, he didn't know why.

The President and his Ohio Gang

Thought the nation was theirs to control.

But they made their boss a laughingstock

And turned the hearts of the nation cold.

If you can't trust your friends

Who can ya trust?

Warren was only doing

What he thought he must.

The politics had him enslaved

It drove him to an early grave.

The road only gets harder

Once you've started.

A conflict of interest with oil companies

A scandalous situation.

But Harding couldn't right the wrongs

And pressure led to frustration.

And his so-called friends

Who'd caused the mess

Refused to take the blame.

And at the age of 58

Warren died without a name.

If you can't trust your friends

Who can ya trust?

Warren was only doing

What he thought he must.

The politics had him enslaved

It drove him to an early grave.

The road only gets harder

Once you've started.

4)  "Sandwich Bag"

You threw my class ring into a sandwich bag.

There went our long-time love, into a sandwich bag.

Our love was – you implied – dull as a sandwich bag.

Today, I'll start all over, with a brand-new sandwich bag.

They said we wouldn't last

You proved them right.

They said I moved too fast

They said we'd fight.

Yesterday we broke up over a sandwich bag.

I said that it was mine, and I told you not to nag.

You got your feelings hurt, and now I'm feeling bad.

Even though I apologized about the sandwich bag.

They said we wouldn't last

We proved them right.

I spoke my mind too fast

And we had a fight.

I took my class ring out of that dumb sandwich bag.

I want to look ahead, but I keep looking back.

Our love was – you implied – dull as a sandwich bag.

Can't we just work things out, and throw away that bag?

They said we wouldn't last

We proved them right.

Our love ended too fast

Let's make it right.

5)  "Onions"

Onions always make me cry

And so do you.

Onions turn my stomach sick

And so do you.

Onions are worthless vegetables

And so are you.

Onion rings are awfully thick

And so are you.

I hate onions

Almost as much as I hate you.

I hate onions

No need to ask me why that's true.

I hate onions

And I don't care how you fix 'em.

'Cause love and onions aren't the same

So just don't try to mix 'em.

Onions have a rancid flavor

And so do you.

Onions make me want to hurl

And so do you.

Onions should be against the law

Ånd so should you.

Onions are messing up my world

And so are you.

I hate onions

Almost as much as I hate you.

I hate onions

No need to ask me why that's true.

I hate onions

And I don't care how you fix 'em.

'Cause love and onions aren't the same

So just don't try to mix 'em.

6)  "Listless"

Open your notebooks

And close the gate.

Teach me nothing

Make me hate.

Catch the weasel

And don't be later.

Start a fire, Fly

I just can't wait.

I'm cold and I'm hungry

And I'm feeling so alone.

All I've got's my sports car

And my cellular phone.

Don't call me, don't beep me

I want to be alone.

I'm homeless and listless

And I don't know what's going on.

I feel paranormal

You look like a yutz.

Move all the breakables

I'm such a klutz.

Singing a sea chant

And it's way off-key.

Leave your housebroken

Pets here with me.

I'm cold and I'm hungry

And I'm feeling so alone.

All I've got's my sports car

And my cellular phone.

Don't call me, don't beep me

I want to be alone.

I'm homeless and listless

And I don't know what's going on.

Trip the alarm, son

And spill the milk.

Kool-Aid grass stains

You're smooth as silk.

Shave your eyebrows

I'm starting to sneeze.

Wish I could have

Three wishes, please.

I'm cold and I'm hungry

And I'm feeling so alone.

All I've got's my sports car

And my cellular phone.

Don't call me, don't beep me

I want to be alone.

I'm homeless and listless

And I don't know what's going on.

7)  "Be Serious"

My mother said that I just make too many jokes.

She said that if I don't straighten up, I'll choke.

She told me to get my mind on what I'm trying to do.

But how can I help from laughing when I'm alone with you?

It's hard to be serious

When you look so dumb.

It's hard not to crack a smile

When you suck your thumb.

I know you're old enough

To know better, but you don't.

So how can I be serious

When I don't know what you want?

My friends tell me to stop making fun of your face.

But when I see you, there's a grin I just can't erase.

I know it's an unwritten rule that ya don't insult your girl.

But it's not my fault that when we're close, I want to hurl.

It's hard to be serious

When you look so dumb.

It's hard not to crack a smile

When you suck your thumb.

I know you're old enough

To know better, but you don't.

So how can I be serious

When I don't know what you want?

Do you have a problem, or were you just born that way?

I've been trying to keep a straight face every single day.

But you just look so stupid that I feel I have to tell  –

If you're trying to make a change, you're not doing too well.

It's hard to be serious

When you look so dumb.

It's hard not to crack a smile

When you suck your thumb.

I know you're old enough

To know better, but you don't.

So how can I be serious

When I don't know what you want?

8)  "Disease"

Infectious disease

Don't invade my pancreas

I might need it someday.

Infectious disease

Don't invade my legs

I still like to run.

Infectious disease

Don't invade my brain

I just might need my common sense.

Contagious disease

Don't invade my earwax

A guy's gotta have his fun.

Infectious disease

Don't invade my lips

Invade anything else but this.

Infectious disease

Contagious disease

Please don't invade my lips

'Cause someday I'm gonna give her a kiss.

So take my spleen, my ribs, my epiglottis

But don't mess with my lips

'Cause I still owe her a kiss.

9)  "Aspirin"

Wash you down with a bucket of rain

Thank you for killing all of my pain.

Hit in the head with a two by four

Thankfully, I can still make it to the door.

Caught in the gut with a staple gun

You're there when I need you

You're always the one.

Got run down by a semi-truck

The next tin of aspirin cost me a buck.

Aspirin makes things better

So will she, if you let her.

Aspirin makes you feel okay

Give the girl a chance

She'll see things your way.

Swallow you up, and gulp you down

Took so much aspirin, I'm gonna drown.

Smashed in the skull with a big sledgehammer

Vision is blurred, and I'm starting to stammer.

And if that wasn't enough, then what about this?

I got my face slapped trying to get a goodnight kiss.

These things may pain me, but nothing hurt more

Than last night when she left, when she slammed the door.

Aspirin makes things better

So will she, if you let her.

Aspirin makes you feel okay

Give the girl a chance

She'll see things your way.

10)  "Big Deal"

So we put a man on the moon

And fed ourselves with a silver spoon.

But I couldn't care any less

The world's a hopeless, stupid mess.

So we fought a war and won –

But while we fought, did we have fun?

I don't know what I'm searching for

I feel as if I'm always bored.

So what? Big deal!

Apathy don't interest me.

So what, who cares?

Life's an unsolved mystery.

So what? Big deal!

Why do they always ask why?

So what's the point?

You're born, you live, and then you die.

So a thousand kids can't read –

What's the purpose? What's the need?

All you need to know is stuff

You learn from life, and not a book.

So the world's a hopeless cause –

You break a sweat, they break the laws.

A vicious cycle we can't win –

Now look what we have gotten into.

So what, big deal

Apathy don't interest me.

So what, who cares?

Life's an unsolved mystery.

So what, big deal

Why do they always ask why?

So what's the point?

You're born, you live, and then you die.

I'd like to promise you that I'll never put you, Dear Reader, through the agony of reading any of these again, but I can't do that. I have tons more I could dredge up, and I still have 85 days left in this year to blog, and I may very well run out of original ideas before then (though I haven't so far). Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read these (if you indeed did so). And now they can return to the "vault," never to be seen again. Hopefully... ~ JH