Weird But True Animal Quotes (With Unnecessary Pictures)

1)  "You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream."  ~  Frank Zappa

2)  "There's always the hyena of morality at the garden gate, and the real wolf at the end of the street."  ~  D. H. Lawrence

3)  "As long as we have zebras in our midst, I shall be content."  ~  Atlo Dogong

4)  "When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run."  ~  Abraham Lincoln

5)  "I feel akin to the platypus. An orphan in a family. A swimmer, a recluse. Part bird, part fish, part lizard."  ~  Trevor Dunn

6)  "A writer may tell me that he thinks man will ultimately become an ostrich. I cannot properly contradict him."  ~  Thomas Malthus

7)  "More fun than a barrel of monkeys? Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?"  ~  Tom Shales

8)  "When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all."  ~  Roger Zelazny

9)  "I hate having long hair. It's like walking around with a dead koala on your back!"  ~  Russell Crowe

10)  "I love pandas, they're so chill. They are all like, 'Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, AND Asian!'"  ~  Author Unknown

11)  "I am an unpopular electric eel in a pool of catfish."  ~  Edith Sitwell

12)  "If you start throwing hedgehogs under me, I shall throw a couple of porcupines under you."  ~  Nikita Kruschchev

13)  "It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry."  ~  Joe Moore

14)  "Time's fun when you're having flies."  ~  Kermit The Frog

15)  "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."  ~  Author Unknown

A 4-Day Vacation Summed Up In 1,400 Words

We just got back from vacationing in the mountains with Mary's sister Ruth and her hubby Kevin. Thought I'd give you a quick summary of where we went and what we did. But just in case you don't give a rip, I'm keeping it fairly short. Like, 1,400 words short. Here goes nothing...


THURSDAY -- We drove to Asheville from Durham (where Ru and Kevin live) -- Mary and I had spent Wednesday night in a hotel. The girls had made an appointment to get a facial in Asheville at 2:30 that day, which left us just over an hour to grab a bite to eat once we got into downtown Asheville. Traffic there -- both pedestrians and automobiles -- is CRAZY! We decided to eat at a place called Barley's Taproom & Brewery. Their lunch special -- 2 slices of pizza, soda included, for $5.25 -- seemed really good. We also thought it would be pretty fast. After all, pizza is the special, we ordered pizza, it only makes sense. Turns it out, it wasn't fast at all. A few dozen dirty looks toward the kitchen and/or our waitress later and our food finally arrived. Turns out, it was worth the wait. It was truly tremendous pizza. We ate fast so the girls wouldn't miss their facial appointment (which was several miles away), and arrived just in time. Us boys didn't plan to wait for the girls at the salon, so we hit the road, exploring downtown Asheville and the River Arts District. We saw the river (French Broad) and crossed it four times, twice going and twice coming back. An hour later, we went back and picked up the girls and we all enjoyed ice cream and/or milkshakes on our way to the cabin. Our cabin, sort of a house, sort of a log cabin, was located in Chimney Rock, a good 30 to 40 minutes south of Asheville. Kevin expertly drove us through switchback after exciting switchback on our way to the middle of nowhere (or so we thought), and we arrived safe and sound (after briefly getting stuck in the steep gravel driveway) at the cabin. It was nice. A fully functional kitchen (or so we thought), two sizable bedrooms, a living room with a flat-screen TV (sadly, with only the basic cable channels -- no ESPN), and a lovely front porch. We needed groceries for the next few days, so while the girls chilled out and started to unpack, Kevin and I headed to the "nearest" full grocery store, which ended up being almost six miles away in Lake Lure. On our way there, we passed through the town of Chimney Rock and then Lake Lure, where we were surprised to find not only a plethora of "touristy" shops, but also a good number of interesting-looking restaurants of all shapes, sizes, and styles. Then there was the lake itself -- a big, beautiful, sprawling man-made wonder in the middle of soaring, majestic mountains. It  had its own beach with lifeguards and everything. Incredible! We finally found the grocery store -- an Ingles -- and stocked up on the necessities (mostly food, drinks, and snacks). While Kevin and I were in the grocery store, the sky opened up and a torrential downpour commanded our (and everyone else's) attention. Fortunately, it had slacked off to a drizzle by the time we got out of the grocery store. We made ourselves some supper, nothing elaborate, and settled in for the night.


FRIDAY -- Biltmore day. Wednesday had been Ru's birthday, and she'd never been to Biltmore -- so we went. We had breakfast at the ridiculously elaborate McDonald's across the street from the entrance, then proceeded to the Biltmore. We toured the house first, which for Mary and I was the third (maybe fourth?) time seeing it, and Ru and Kevin's first. We lunched at the Stable Cafe, which -- if you've never been there -- is a big horse stable that was converted into a restaurant. The food was decent, but grossly overpriced, as are most things there. Then we toured the gardens for as long as our tiring legs could stand it before heading back to the car. That night we dined at the Bayfront Grill, overlooking Lake Lure. It was a million-dollar view, and pretty darn good food.


SATURDAY -- Mary cooked breakfast that morning. We'd bought bacon and pancake mix, and a squirt-bottle of fake butter. Unbeknownst to us, the only pan in the cabin was not a non-stick pan, and the fake butter we'd bought contained no fat. Uh-oh. Mary's first attempt at making a pancake without any fat resulted in -- understandably -- a gloppy mess. We scoured the cabinets for anything usable that might have been left behind by previous renters or by the cabin's owner. The only thing we found -- but couldn't use -- was a bottle of canola oil that was several years out of date. That's a no go. Finally, being the scientist that she is, Mary got the idea to try and cook the pancakes with bacon fat. She'd already had the bacon in the oven, and it had fully cooked. Little by little, drop by drop, she did just that. The pancakes cooked in bacon fat -- of which there were many -- were delicious! (And so was the bacon, incidentally.) We spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon checking out the souvenir shops in Chimney Rock, as well as an antique store or two. We lunched at the Riverwatch Deli where Kevin and I both had Western North Carolina-style barbecue pulled pork sandwiches. They're tomato-sauce-and-mustard-based, unlike the vinegar-based barbecue we're used to in eastern North Carolina. Though it was different from what I'm used to, it was still good. After we'd all had our fill of shopping (Kevin and I well before Mary and Ru, I might add), we headed down the road a bit to Lake Lure, where we took a one-hour scenic boat tour of the massive lake. It was beautiful, and quite fascinating to hear the history of the lake. For you '80s fans out there, we saw the area of the lake where part of the movie Dirty Dancing was filmed. Many of the houses on or just above the rim of the lake are humongous and incredibly lavish. Many of them are multimillion dollar houses. Heck, even a lot out there is probably over a million dollars. The weather was perfect and the breeze when the boat went faster was delightful. After the boat tour, we headed back to Chimney Rock for ice cream, then back to the cabin to chill out for a bit. Later, we headed back out to the town of Lake Lure, where we intended to eat at another restaurant overlooking the lake, La Strada. Upon passing it a few times before, Kevin and I had thought it was a Mexican restaurant. When we suggested it as our Saturday night dinner location, the girls readily agreed. It wasn't until we sat down and opened the menu that we realized -- oh, it's not Mexican at all, it's Italian. That was okay, we figured, though we'd had our mouths set on chips and salsa, among other Mexican delicacies. We ended up ordering breadsticks, which can be run-of-the-mill at most places. These, however, were the best breadsticks ever. I mean that, too. Ever. We gorged ourselves on breadsticks until the meal came. Turns out the pasta that three of us had -- and the pizza that the other one had -- was also the best we'd had of any meal since arriving in the mountains. We were pleasantly surprised to have been wrong about the type of restaurant we'd gone to, as it turned out to be quite amazing. Later that night, Kevin and Ru made a fire in the fire pit out front, and Ru and Mary made and ate S'mores. Kevin and I didn't really feel like them, but the girls said they were tasty.


SUNDAY -- (That would be today.) We packed up our stuff, tidied up the cabin, and hit the road, heading home. Seven hours later (well, only five for Kevin and Ru), we were home. Tired, but refreshed at the same time. It was a good vacation.

Do I REALLY have to go back to work tomorrow?

"You Never Know," "Duking It Out," And "Despair": Three More Unusual Drabbles

More 100-word short stories from me to you. These are a bit darker than my usual pieces, but I still like them anyway. I hope you will too...

"YOU NEVER KNOW"

"Daddy, why do you keep a pack of matches in your pocket if you don't smoke?" The father glanced  at his little boy, smiled vaguely, and replied, "Because you never know, son." The boy looked understandably confused. "You never know what, Daddy?" Sighing softly, the father sank to his knees, and looked his son in the eyes. "Because you never know when you might have to set somebody on fire, son." The boy's eyes grew wide, tears forming at the corners, and his jaw dropped. "But why would you do that, Daddy?" the boy asked. "It's complicated," replied the father.

"DUKING IT OUT"

It would never work. Two power-hungry people both vying for the same promotion, working in the same office, day in and day out. Someone would end up dead at worst, or crippled at least. The world-weary supervisor knew he had to separate them. Violence is often the answer, he mused, but not in my department! He knew if he could just get them in the ring, then they could fight it out like men. A duel to the death, last man standing, no holds barred. But how could he ever convince them to fight? Gotta love office politics.

"DESPAIR"

I needed to scream, but couldn't make a sound. I opened my mouth, willing myself to cry out, but all I heard was silence. It was at that moment that I realized I couldn't move my arms or my legs. I needed to run, to get away, but I was stuck in this spot. The horrific images racing before my eyes compelled me to look away. But my neck was immobile, just like the rest of me. I felt hot tears beginning to trickle from my burning eyes. At least some part of me was working. Then everything went black.

Guest Blogger: Leigh Ann Cordes ~ "Things I Am Grateful For"

Seeing as I am currently on vacation, and I knew it would be hard to both enjoy my time in the mountains AND take the time to blog every day, I asked Mary's sister (my sister-in-law), Leigh Ann Cordes, to guest-blog for me today. She graciously agreed. "Write about whatever you want to," I said (since this is probably the most unfocused blog EVER). What she wrote just blew me away! I know you'll enjoy it as much as I did...

Leigh Ann Cordes

What do I write?  What shall I write?  Asked to be a guest blogger on my brother-in-law’s blog is an honor.  And a curse. There’s no pressure to be witty and clever, poignant and vibrant, sentimental and cutting edge.  Noooo.

After mooning over the endless possibilities (what being a stepmom has taught me, regaling you with poodle stories, the horrors of the world of paralegals) I decide to go back to what I always go back to.

Every time I begin to pray (most nights, but a lot of mornings, too) I start with asking God for stuff.  Not all for myself, but asking him to do something for someone or bless someone with something.  Inevitably, I stop about two or three requests in and remember.  I haven’t said thank you.  I am forever trying to instill gratitude into the kid.  And even the mutt somedays.  I need to remember to be grateful myself.  So…here’s a list of things I am grateful for:

the sound my feet make when I swish them under the covers

licking the spoon

falling asleep holding hands

when your kid says something that is truly witty

giant recliners

in-laws who love you for who you really are

cotton candy

that sound the Styrofoam lid made when you opened it to get the rolls at your grandmother’s table

bunnies running across the lawn first thing in the morning

after you’ve been really, really sick and you actually feel good enough to eat

letters.  in the mail.  handwritten.

chocolate milk

that extra-hard squeeze my big sister gives that makes me squeak when she hugs me

grace

when my husband sighs instead of commenting

knowing your purpose

that feeling after you’ve cleaned your house and you plop down on the sofa

leftovers that are better the second time around

when my dog woofles in his sleep

drawings from the girls we sponsor

singing the wrong word loudly and committing to it anyways

gravy

being able to close the lid on a soda before it spills over

books

a man who takes out the trash without being asked

crying at my sisters’ weddings

miracle gro

that one picture I have of me and my dad truly laughing

when that chat box pops up at the bottom of my screen and it’s my bff asking if I am there

gigantor fluffy towels

learning new words   (ballyhooing was today’s new word)

forgiveness.

What are you thankful for?

What We WON'T Be Naming Our Kid - Part 3 Of 3

Haven't we had just about enough of these? Well, almost. This'll be the last installment in this mini-series of collections of oddball baby names that we'd never in a million years even consider using as names for our child. Today I decided to keep it simple and group the ill-conceived names together by the thing or things which may have inspired them in the first place. And here we go...


1)  BAD MUSIC-RELATED NAMES:  If we have a son, we won't be naming him Adagio, Legato, Omaggio, Glissando, Harp, Tocsin (sounds poisonous!), or Zydeco. If we have a little girl, she won't be called Cabaletta, Medley, Nocturne, or Stanza. Yes, there are some really great music-inspired names -- but these are not some of them.


2)  BAD SHAKESPEAREAN NAMES:  Though my sister-in-law (more on her later) will probably pooh-pooh this one, we will not be giving a girl child any of the following names from Shakespeare's numerous plays: Albany, Dolabella, Dorcas, or Titania (sounds like a metal). Nor will we be naming a boy child Barnardo, Benvolio, Derby, Donalbain, Egeon, Mercutio, or Puck. On the other hand, Shakespeare came up with and/or used quite a few truly beautiful names for his characters. And a few of them ARE on our shortlist. But I'm not telling you which ones! (Not yet at least.)


3)  BAD BIBLE NAMES:  Before you throw your stones, there's absolutely nothing wrong with using Bible names for your kids. There are tons of great ones in there. But even some of the parents in the Bible didn't know how to name their kids something that wasn't going to haunt their offspring for the rest of their days. Don't believe me? What about the unlucky girls who had to live with the names Huldah, Orpah, Tirza, and Zilpah? Or what about those poor boys who went through life answering to a doozy of a name like Gad, Jethro, Abednego, or Jehoshaphat? Yeah, see? If you've got a Bible name that's "normal," consider yourself blessed. It could be so much worse! 


4)  BAD FOOD/DRINKS NAMES:  This is another category where a lot of really beautiful names have originated. And also a plethora of bad ones. If you're placing your bets on us naming our son Cajun, Filbert, Frito, or Waldorf, you're going to be losing some money. If you thought we would name our daughter Absinthe, Blueberry, Fig, Paprika, or Taffy, you thought wrong.


5)  BAD FASHION DESIGNER NAMES:  I'm not a big fan of high fashion (I may have mentioned this a few times before!). So if it were entirely up to me, I certainly wouldn't be naming my kid after a famous fashion designer. But if I were planning on doing so, these are the names that wouldn't make my shortlist of choices: Coco, Kimora, and Miuccia for a girl; and Dries, Helmut, Issey, and Manolo for a boy.


6)  BAD BASEBALL PLAYER NAMES:  Me being a big major league baseball fan (having mentioned that a few times before also), you'd think I'd be itching to name my kid after a famous baseball player. Well, not all baseball player's names are created equally. Some of them are just awful. Case in point, the following unusable names: Yonder, Asdrubal, Melky, Jhoulys, Welington, Yuniesky, Aroldis, Rhiner, Yhency, Edgmer, Chone, Marwin, Gorkys, Maicer, Ubaldo, Yu, Munenori, Lastings, Wily Mo, Wandy, Atahualpa, Ichiro, and Yorvit. Seriously, what is it with all these horrible "Y" names?

Anyway...

Starting today, my wife and I are on vacation. I'll still be posting something here every day (yesterday was day 200 and counting!), but most of what I post through the weekend will be something I wrote in advance. Tomorrow, though, I have a special treat for you. A guest blogger...my sister-in-law. What is she going to write about? Sorry, you'll have to wait and see. I promise it'll be good, though. Till tomorrow...

Poems For Your Perusal: An Alphapoetical Half-Cycle

I started this cycle of alpha poetry over a week ago. To prove that I can finish what I started, here's the other half. Enjoy!


No strings attached
But I'm feeling the pull.
Feeding me lies
But I don't like the bull.
Give me the details
I'll write you a song.
This is the short of it
I don't belong.


On the same page

We both agree

That what it is

Is wrong, but

There's so little

That either of us

Can do about it.

That's how it goes

And us along with it

But when does it

Get easier

Get better

Get harder

Get worse?

We're finding out

The secret

Is to wait.

Play it by ear

Unless you can read it

I never learned

I guess I don't need it.

I have a knack

Don't knock it, it's real.

I can play notes

That reveal how I feel.

Quit horsing around!

Don't you know you're

Supposed to be serious?

Wipe that smile off your face!

This is no time to be happy –

People are getting married here!

And don't look at me like that

When I'm talking to you!

Right on the money

But wrong on the timing

You wrote the poetry

I did the rhyming.

I sang the melody

You just transcribed it.

You poured the starlight

I just imbibed it.

Save your breath

Until it's fully grown

Into a sigh, perhaps

A yawn. Once it has

Matured, then you can

Release it to the world.

Talk until you're blue in the face.

And I will call you Smurfy

Which you will not appreciate.

And I will smirk perceptively

While you fume openly.

And we will agree to disagree

Which is better than not speaking.

And we will carry on as though

Nothing ever happened...

Ugly as sin

But beautiful

To those who

Know no better.

Like blind people

And pebbles

They harbor no

Ingrained prejudices

About beauty

Or righteousness.

They simply accept

At face value

What is, as what it is.

This is better.

Voice your opinion

I don't have to agree

I don't have to speak

I may want to scream

I may want to slap you

But I don't have to.

What a way to go!

Face-first, feet last

Mud-drenched

Blood-spattered

Topsy-turvy

But grateful.

X spots his mark

Makes his pitch

Sells his wares

Hits the road

And never looks back.

You snooze, you lose

Hours of your life

That you'll never get back.

You wake, you take

The hours you have left

And make the most

Of the least. That's life.

Zig-zagging my way

Through traffic cones

And caution lights

I wend a path

Through tire treads

And broken glass.

I hope the things

I pass won't leave 

Me spinning out

But know that if they do

I'll still survive the crash.

Childhood Memories: My Favorite Music Circa 1995

Okay, so I was 17 that year, and almost not a child anymore. Let's not get weighed down in technicalities. I've been thinking a lot lately about the music I was listening to when I was a teenager, right around the time I graduated high school and started college. As this playlist will attest, I was very much into grunge and alternative rock music, which was starting to cross over from the underground to the mainstream. I was also, curiously enough, into more groups with male lead vocalists, which is a total contrast to my preferences these days.

If you happened to grow up around this same time, and you were into the music that was popular at the time, and/or if you ever watched MTV back in the day (this is when they actually played music videos, not just dumb reality shows), you might recognize a few of -- or all of -- these songs. If not, you'll at least get a glimpse of what I was listening to at that time.

I don't really listen to most of these groups anymore -- a few of them I still like, but don't really buy their music. Some of the bands are no longer around, and some are still going strong. Some band members have long since died, most in tragic circumstances or by their own hands. But here they are nonetheless, preserved in all their grungy glory. Enjoy!




1)  Smashing Pumpkins ~ "Disarm"

2)  Weezer ~ "Buddy Holly"

3)  Live ~ "Lightning Crashes"

4)  Green Day ~ "When I Come Around"

5)  Nirvana ~ "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

6)  Pearl Jam ~ "Alive"

7)  Blind Melon ~ "No Rain"

8)  The Presidents Of The United States Of America ~ "Lump"

9)  Stone Temple Pilots ~ "Vasoline"

10)  Collective Soul ~ "Shine"

11)  Counting Crows ~ "Round Here"

12)  Soundgarden ~ "Black Hole Sun"

13)  Bush ~ "Glycerine"

14)  Everclear ~ "Santa Monica"

15)  Alanis Morissette ~ "Ironic"

"Resistance Is Not Futile," "Sibling Revelry," And "Dubious Cure-All": Three Oddball Drabbles

Time to take another walk on the weird side! My drabble skills are still developing, but I think I'm getting the hang of it little piece by little piece. Hope you'll enjoy these 100-word short-shorts...

"RESISTANCE IS NOT FUTILE"

There was no way I was going to let her get the best of me. She knew all the right buttons to push to drive me absolutely batty, but I was pushing right back. She tried pestering me, but I sprayed her with Raid. She tried needling me, but she couldn't find the veins. She tried nagging me, and I told her to quit horsing around. This time I will call the shots – eight ball in the corner pocket, and leave me alone. I am my own person – I call myself "me." And there's nothing she can do about it.

"SIBLING REVELRY"

"Trespassing? How can I be trespassing when this is my house, too?" I yelled. "Stop yelling!" he yelled. "Why should I?" I cried. "You crybaby!" he cried. "Oh, brother!" I sighed. "Yes? What is it?" he asked. "I wasn't talking to you," I replied. "You said, 'Oh, brother!'" he countered. "Yes, but I was exclaiming, not entreating," I explained. "Well, how am I supposed to know the difference?" he hissed. "You're such a snake," I accused. "Look who's talking!" he replied. "We both are," I pointed out. "Oh, yeah," he said. "Just let me inside," I pleaded. "Now?" he stalled.

"DUBIOUS CURE-ALL"

"Somehow, I don't think green beans are the answer to all my problems," she sniffled. I placed my hand on her shoulder, patted her six times very quickly, and looked into her ear (she refused to look me in the eye). "How do you know until you've tried?" I whispered. "But, green beans?" she said, and I could've sworn she arched her ear inquisitively at me. "Some people find them to be very therapeutic," I offered. "What's the worst that could happen?" I continued. "Nutrition," she sighed. "And is that so bad, really?" I said. She rolled her ear derisively.

What We WON'T Be Naming Our Kid - Part 2

There's a world of good names out there that are well-worthy of giving to our unborn child. And there's a wealth of terrible monikers that we'd never dare saddle our kid with. These are a few of the latter... 


1)  TEMITOPE:  I don't know how to pronounce it. With my best guess, it sounds like an isotope that's really shy. I have no clue if it's supposed to be a boy name or a girl name. This name is never going to happen.


2)  CALIBER:  I am not a hunter. I am not a gunsmith. My wife is also neither of these things. So why would we name our child after the diameter of a bullet? It just doesn't make sense. This also means that names like Remington, Smith, Wesson, Bullet, and Hunter are probably out as well. To each his (or her) own, but these names are a real misfire for us.


3)  TOMORROW:  You gotta like the optimism of this name. There's always tomorrow. But we aren't promised tomorrow. So if we're waiting for Tomorrow to arrive, and Tomorrow never comes, we will be quite disappointed today. This does not compute.


4)  CHATTERTON:  Now, I realize that once a child begins to speak that this name might very well be an appropriate one for him or her. But I'd never want to have a child stuck with a name that may or may not be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Any way you look at it, this is not a good name for a child. 


5)  STICKY:  I can't think of one reason that we, or anyone for that matter, would name their child Sticky. Boy or girl, there's just no way this is a good given name for anybody. Now, maybe your kid likes honey buns, or they like to steal stuff. Maybe then you give them the nickname "Sticky," but why would ever name a sweet, innocent little baby Sticky on purpose? Answer: We wouldn't.


6)  BIDDINGS:  I grant you, this could be a family name for someone somewhere, and they wanted to hire that person who was near and dear to them by giving their child the same name. But when I hear this name, I think of black-market baby-selling. I don't want my child for sale to the highest bidder. Nor should any child ever be. Now, if he or she ended up becoming an auctioneer, this name would not only be appropriate but very clever. But what are the chances of that happening?


7)  BASKERVILLE:  Now I'm as big a fan of Sherlock Holmes as the next guy. Maybe more so. But I would never name our child after one of his famous cases, "The Hound of the Baskervilles." Neither would I name him (or her) Sherlock, or even Holmes. "The Red-Headed League" might be more appropriate in our case, but I don't remember the name of the main guy from that story.


8)  TOMATO:  Apparently, some people have actually named a child Tomato, as it appeared in one of the baby name lists on a website I've frequented. Why would you do this to a child? It's basically saying, "Child, I hate you now, and I always will." There are plenty of other fruits and vegetables that would make better names -- like Apple, Papaya, Mango, Kiwi, Tangerine, and Clementine (not that we would use these, either, but still...). Other fruit and vegetable names besides Tomato that we will not be using as names for our child include Zucchini, Corn, Grape, Banana, Broccoli, Edamame, Squash, and Cucumber (although I don't have any evidence to prove that any of these words in particular have been used as baby names).


9)  SCHNUFFEL:  This name may mean something beautiful in German, or whatever language it originates from, but as a first name for a child it just sounds stupid. Schnuffel Hill sounds like a place you are sent to in order to recover from an infectious disease. Not going to be using this one, either.


10)  PLACEBO:  I want a child who's the real thing, not a sneaky substitute. Seriously, why would you name a kid Placebo? Other science-related names that I've run across that we also won't be using include Biologist, Chemist, Laboratory, Test, and -- of course! -- Science.


11)  DUMBO:  You gotta hate your newborn child really bad to call him (or her) Dumbo. That's just cruel! Other demeaning baby names I found amongst the ranks of actually-used names which won't be among the favorites on our shortlist include Chicken, Junk, Forget, Scruffy, Saggy, Tramp, Loopy, Lusti, and Bugger.


12)  ESPN:  This is the name of a television sports network, not a proper name for a child. How is that even pronounced? ESS-pin? Who knows? Other sports-related names we won't be using include Football (yes, Football!), Wrestling, Homer, Goal, Basket, and Brackett.


13)  GASSMAN:  Another "self-fulfilling prophecy" name here. Why, just why, would you name your kid this? Other flatulence-related names that are also out include Fardous, Poot, Beanie, and Stankovich.


14)  NECESSARY:  First of all, the "necessary" is an old-school name for the toilet. So you might as well name your kid "Restroom." Secondly, this sounds like a parent who didn't really want the child they had, and upon seeing him/her for the first time replied, "Is this Necessary?" And the name stuck. Speaking of the name Stuck, I found Stuck among the baby names lists, and that's another no-go. 


15)  MARIHUANA:  I don't know whether the parents of this poor child were smoking pot when they gave their little girl this name, or if they just named her after one of their favorite things. Either way, that kid's "Stuck" with an awful name for the rest of her life. Other horribly bad names which likely derived from the parents' favorite things to eat include Cheeto, Custard, Mozzarella, and Cheddar.


I'm shaking my head so hard right now at these terribly poor name choices. There's actually way more of these that I could have chosen, so stay tuned for Part 3 later this week.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Interesting Facts About Very Tall People

1)  ROBERT WADLOW:  The tallest person in history for whom there is no irrefutable evidence, Wadlow was 8' 11" tall and weighed 439 lbs. at the time of his death at the age of 22. His great size and continued growth in adulthood was due to hypertrophy of the pituitary gland, which results in an abnormally high level of human growth hormone. Wadlow is pictured below beside his 5' 11" father, Harold.

2)  SULTAN KOSEN:  At 8' 3", Kosen is the tallest living person. This Turkish-born man is a part-time farmer whose condition causes him to have to use crutches to walk. His extreme height was caused by a tumor in the pituitary gland. After numerous medical procedures, treatment has been effective in halting Kosen's growth, and most likely also in lengthening his life. Sultan is currently 30 years of age.

3)  BERNARD COYNE:  Coyne was refused induction into the Army during World War I because he then stood at a height of 7' 9". But Coyne didn't stop growing. At the time of his death three years later in 1921, he had reached a height of between 8' 2" and 8' 4" (records vary). Coyne was the tallest ever eunuchoidal infantile giant, also known as Daddy Long-Legs Syndrome.

4)  DON KOEHLER:  Koehler was the tallest man in the world from at least 1969 until his death in 1981. At his highest, Koehler measured 8' 2". His extreme height was a result of a medical condition called acromegalic gigantism. Koehler had a fraternal twin sister who never grew past 5' 9". Don lived a much longer life than most of the people on this list. He died at age 55.

5)  BRAHIM TAKIOULLAH:  The second tallest living person at 8' 1", Takioullah also holds the record for largest feet (each one is 1 foot, 3 inches long). Moroccan by birth, Takioullah's extreme height and foot size is caused by both acromegaly and a pituitary gland tumor, for which he is currently being treated in France. Brahim holds a university degree in geography.

6)  SULEIMAN ALI NASHNUSH:  Nashnush was a Libyan basketball player and actor whose height measured just a half-inch over 8'. Though it has not been verified for certain, Suleiman may have been the tallest basketball player who ever lived. Nashnush had a small role in Federico Fellini's classic film Satyricon -- he played the role of "Tryphaena's Attendant." He died at the age of 48.

7)  GHEORGE MURESAN:  The Romanian-born Muresan is one of the two tallest players to have ever played in the NBA (National Basketball Association). Reaching 7' 7" in height before he stopped growing, Gheorge's extreme size is caused by a pituitary disorder. Both his parents are of average height. In 1998, Muresan -- alongside comedian/actor Billy Crystal -- starred in the movie My Giant about -- what else? -- a Romanian giant.

8)  MANUTE BOL:  The Sudanese-born Bol was, along with Muresan, the tallest player ever to have played in the NBA, at 7' 7". Unlike Muresan, however, Bol did not suffer from a pituitary disease -- he was just naturally tall. Manute was the son of a Dinka tribal chief, who gave him the name "Manute," which means "special blessing." After an 11-year career in the NBA, Bol retired from the game and became very active in supporting various causes in his war-ravaged home country of Sudan. He died in 2010 from acute kidney failure.

9) ZENG JINLIAN:  Zeng was the tallest woman ever verified in medical history. At the time of her death, Jinlian was 8' 1.75" tall. She was not able to stand straight due to a severely deformed spine. Zeng was 17 years old when she died.

10)  YAO DEFEN:  The Chinese-born Yao is the tallest living woman, standing at 7' 8" and weighing 440 lbs. Defen's gigantism is due to a tumor in her pituitary gland. Yao is currrently 39 years old.