Things I Find Appalling: Outrageously Sexist Vintage Ads

"Times were different." This is a common excuse for society's past mistakes. Well, times might not be that great now, but in some very important ways they are a lot better.

Today marks the first in a mini-series of posts where I will gather a number of vintage print advertisements that display how different times were then than they are now. Today's vintage ads display the blatant sexist attitudes toward women that existed all over the realm of advertising in years past (sadly, some of them not all that long ago). Future posts in this series will include "Blatantly Racist Vintage Ads" and "It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time," among others.

I will warn you, some of these may make you mad, no matter whether you are a man or a woman. Others may make you laugh or simply shake your head. But all of them are real, as scary a thought as that is.

In some cases, where the type is small, I have transcribed the more egregious portions below the picture. In most cases, I have just added my own snarky remarks. If you should happen to miss the sarcasm in any of these and think I'm serious, that's not my fault.

I would normally say "Enjoy!" at this point, but I don't exactly think it would be appropriate this time. So I'll just say "Here they are..."

 "A cigar brings out the Caveman in you. There's a man-size feeling of

power in smoking a cigar. Because cigars give you a psychological 

lift along with flavor and satisfaction. yet you needn't inhale to 

enjoy  them...and no other pleasure so great costs so little. 

Try a few cigars  today and...Get that good cigar feeling!"

Because if it's not cooked the way HE likes it, then what's the point, right?

It's not as much what this one says as what it depicts. Very demeaning!

 Is that what's she's demonstrating? Really? I think I see

what image they're really trying to "project" here.

"It's nice to have a girl around the house. Though she was a tiger lady, 

our hero didn't have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his 

Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That 

noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you'd like your own

doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of those he-man Mr. Leggs slacks..."

 "Men are better than women! Indoors, women are useful -- even pleasant.

On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don't go hauling them

up a cliff to show off your Drummond climbing sweaters. No need to.

These pullovers look great anywhere. On the level!"

"Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere. Hit her with tangy

Tipalet Cherry. Or rich, grape-y Tipalet Burgundy. Or luscious Tipalet

Blueberry. It's Wild! Tipalet. It's new. Different. Delicious in taste and

aroma. A puff in her direction and she'll follow you anywhere..."

Imagine that!?!?

 "If your husband ever finds out you're not 'stove-testing' for 

fresher coffee...if he discovers you're still taking chances on

 getting flat, stale coffee...woe be unto you! For today there's 

a sure and certain way to test for freshness before you buy."

That's right, sugar. Wait on him hand and foot. Because he's a man!

This isn't an advertisement promoting aftershave.

It's an advertisement promoting rape! #smh

HUSBAND:  "Gosh, Honey, you seem to thrive on

 cooking, cleaning, and dusting -- and I'm all

tuckered out by closing time. What's the answer?"

WIFE: "Vitamins, darling! I always get my vitamins!"

Sitting around reading the newspaper and smoking

a manly cigar -- that's what husbands are for!

 "Sooner or later, your wife will drive home one of the best reasons for 

owning a Volkswagen. Women are soft and gentle, but they hit things.

If your wife hits something in a Volkswagen, it doesn't hurt you very

much...She can jab the hood. Graze the door. Or bump off the bumper.

It may make you furious, but it won't make you poor. So when your

wife goes window-shopping in a Volkswagen, don't worry. You can

conveniently replace anything she uses to stop the car. Even the brakes."

 Secretaries, look! It's a typewriter that makes you look busy while you

sit around and paint your nails. Because we men know that's what you

really do all day anyway. That, and gossip with the other ladies, of course.

 "A wife can blame herself if she loses love by getting 'middle-

age' skin!" This makes perfect sense. Her skin is a tad

wrinkly, her hubby goes out and cheats on her with a

less wrinkly woman. And this is all HER fault! Because

she didn't use Palmolive soap. For shame, for shame, wifey!

 He wears the cleanest shirts in town...his 'Missus' swears by Tide!"

Ladies and gentlemen, your government at its finest. Women 

everywhere used to wish they were men so they could join the

Navy. It's up to us guys to be the men that these women couldn't be!

 

 Well, if you have to ask...

"Does your husband yawn at the table? The things women have 

to put up with. Most husbands nowadays have stopped beating

their wives, but what can be more agonizing to a sensitive soul

than a man's boredom at meals? Yet, lady, there must be a reason.

If your cooking and not your conversation is monotonous, that's 

easily fixed. Start using soups more often..."

"Now she can cook breakfast again...when you prescribe Mornidine.

A new drug with specific effectiveness in nausea and vomiting of

pregnancy. Mornidine eliminates the ordeal of morning sickness."

And that's really all that matters, isn't it, old chap?

Yep, you've got to watch out for those "pick-ups," "good-time girls,"

and prostitutes. They may look clean, but they may be "loaded."

While you're at it, be wary of your own gal. She's probably cheating

on you behind your back with all your pals. Just like a woman!

 

"Married?-- No reason to neglect stockings. Husbands 

admire wives who keep their stockings perfect..."

"For simple driving." In other words, perfect for women drivers.

Like the song says, "Hoovers are a girl's best friend!"

Two things that every man wants, but no man gets...

because they don't exist. A "cool" Subaru...

and a spirited woman who yearns to be tamed.

10 Worst Album Covers Of Albums Titled "Home"

Repeating yesterday's intro:

If you're any kind of a music buff at all, it's very likely that at some point you have listened to or even owned an album called Home. How do I know this? Because, throughout all the years of recorded music, countless artists in virtually every musical genre have released albums under this simple yet evocative title.

Yesterday I posted my picks for the 10 best album covers of Home-titled albums. Today I will post the 10 worst Home album covers.

Note: Each album's inclusion on this list is in no way a critique of the music itself. I've never heard of many of these albums, so I'm not judging the music by its cover. But I am judging the covers – that's the point.

Do you agree or disagree with my picks? Are there any lousily-designed Home albums that you know of that you would have included? Let me know...



1)  Six Cycle Mind:  This overused "boy band" pose has almost become a cliche of cover design over the years (see here). Okay, you four line up and stand casually -- you know, look cool. Maybe lean into one another a bit. You on the end, laugh like you just heard the funniest joke ever. Now you, the short one, you kneel down in a crouch at the other end there. Yeah, that's perfect. Now, smile! Cut. Print. It's brilliant!

2)  BoDeans:  Okay, here's the plan. We'll put the handsome guy with the long, flowing locks in front, smiling slyly like he knows the ladies are slobbering all over him. Then we'll put the weird-looking guy in back, looking over his shoulder at the handsome guy as if to say, "Gee, I wish I could be like him." We'll slap the name of the band over the bottom half of the cover, just in case our "vision" doesn't come through as clearly as we'd hoped, and we'll call the whole thing "Home." Makes perfect sense, right?

3)  Chris de Burgh:  This simply designed album cover says so much. A middle-aged guy who hasn't been relevant in a quarter of a century (since his 1986 hit "The Lady In Red") sitting on a lonely bench by a lonely shore strumming a lonesome tune on his lonesome guitar. Nothing says "washed-up" like dubbing the whole project "Home." This is a self-fulfilling prophecy: Chris, you're done here. It's time to move on. It's time to go home.

4)  Hothouse Flowers:  This was also a much-used album cover design during the late 1980s and early 1990s (see here). Have the members queue up in a staggered line. Tell them all to look introspective, or perhaps constipated. Snap the photo. Then go back and add touches of color to the edges so it looks like they're on a canvas. Make sure the band members stay in black-and-white, or perhaps purple. It's artsy, it's important, and people will want to buy it.

5)  Josh Rouse:  He's had a rough day. Dark circles under the eyes, hair tousled a little more than it was when he left the house this morning, and staring down an almost-empty glass of booze. He needs another one, and another, and another. But it's time to go home, and he doesn't want to. "Set 'em up, Joe. I'm not going anywhere. Home? This is my home now. And what a wonderful home it is..."

6)  Ryan Malcolm:  Hi, I'm Ryan. You're hot. Mind if I sit here? Don't worry, I won't bite. Much. You have pretty eyes, did you know that? I have pretty eyes, too. My mom told me. She says I have eyes that could stare right through a person. Pretty weird, huh? I mean, I'm not weird or anything. I'm normal. And I can prove it. The doctor said everything checked out fine. Anyway, I'm on medication, and I'm feeling much better now. I try to stay close to home, in case it happens again. The thing we don't talk about. Speaking of home, where do you live? Is it far from here? Can I come check it out? Don't worry, I don't bite. Often.

7)  Simply Red:  I am a rock star. I shine like the sun. I radiate awesomeness. I want the cover of my new album to capture the essence of who I am. So what if it's called "Home" -- that makes no difference. So what if there are actually other people in my band -- that's not my concern. This is about me. I am Simply Red. And don't you forget it!

8)  Spearhead:  Nothing says home like sitting at your kitchen table, holding your baby in your lap just inches above your semi-automatic weapon. He's looking toward the door. Who's he expecting? Bloods? Crips? Child Protective Services? All of the above? I guess you have to listen to the album to find out. I'll pass.

9)  Suzanne Palmer:  Ah, the funhouse mirror effect. A much-used classic that never goes out of style. Because one Suzanne Palmer is not enough. We must have two. We get not one but two chances to marvel at the ultra-stylish driving cap Suzanne's rocking. Not to mention that when you double your blonde hair weave, you double your fun! Sniff, sniff. What's that smell? Why, it smells like...home!

10)  Terry Hall:  Hi, I'm Terry. Welcome to my room. It's really nice. There's padding on all the walls, the floors, and even the ceilings -- though try as I may, I can't seem to reach the ceilings. I've been here for the past seven months. The staff here is really nice -- they see to my every need. They make sure I get my meds twice a day. The medicine helps a little. It quiets the voices a little bit. But they're never gone completely. Nor would I want them to be. The voices are the voices of my friends. You can see them, right? They're right here beside me. Don't be rude -- say hello to them. And while you're at it, please buy my album. It's crazy-good!

10 Best Album Covers Of Albums Titled "Home"

If you're any kind of a music buff at all, it's very likely that at some point you have listened to or even owned an album called Home. How do I know this? Because, throughout all the years of recorded music, countless artists in virtually every musical genre have released albums under this simple yet evocative title.

So I decided to pick the 10 best album covers from this most voluminous collection of Home-titled albums. Tomorrow I will post the 10 worst Home album covers.

Please note: Their inclusion on either of these two lists is in no way a critique of the music itself. I've never heard of many of these albums (though I do own or have owned a few of them), so I can't rightly judge the music by its cover. But I am judging the covers – that's precisely the point.

Do you agree or disagree with my picks? Are there any Home albums that you know of that you would have included? Let me know...


1)  August Burns Red:  There's something remarkably beautiful in this lightly colored line drawing. It's just detailed enough to merit further scrutiny, yet not so much as to distract from its wonderful simplicity.

2)  Benjamin Biolay & Chiara Mastroianni:  If it doesn't jump out at you immediately, this cover is a highly stylized typography of the word "HOME." Sure, it's weird, and a bit abstract – but it's also quite artsy-fartsy (in a good way).

3)  Blessid Union Of Souls:  There's something about this photo and the surrounding layout that just screams: "Home! We're finally home again! After months and months on the road, it's so good to be home!" I love it! (Great album, too, by the way.)

4)  Delaney & Bonnie:  This simple picture of the singers and some random elderly man on the porch of what I can only assume is a log cabin is remarkably effective at conveying the idea of "home." It's wonderful!

5)  Dixie Chicks:  Despite the slightly vampiric look of these three ladies (especially the one in the middle), I really like this album cover. The road behind them, a side road off to the right. Which one leads "home"? Why are they standing in the middle of the road? And why are they wearing evening gowns? This cover art has just enough unanswered questions to keep you guessing.

6)  Keller Williams:  No, it's not Keller Williams, the real estate company. It's Keller Williams, the singer/songwriter. I love the mirror effect of the bridge as reflected in the river here. The circles formed by the reflection reassure you that you can go home again, and that everything eventually comes back to where it started in the beginning. At least that's what I got out of it.

7)  Magenta:  The sadness in this lady's face, the evidence of rain on the glass, and the reflection of what appears to be an apartment building: these three elements combine to convey a sense of hopefulness in a hopeless situation. If only she can get back home, it will all be okay.

8)  Mr. Children:  I've never seen a truly three-dimensional family tree diagram...before now. What an ingenious idea! And to make it the album cover for a band called Mr. Children? Even better!

9)  Sevendust:  Maybe it's the writer in me that finds this fascinating – I don't know. But the image of a gnarled, scarred hand scribbling the word "Home" in pencil, in my opinion, makes for a great album cover.

10)  The Corrs:  I don't know what I love most about this cover: the startlingly realistic drawings of the band members, the subtle hints of color in the yellow-orange butterflies, or the fantastic font in which the band's name is written. Since I can't pick one, I'll pick all three. This one's a keeper!

33 Interesting Things About The Number 300

Today is the 300th day of this year. It's also the 300th straight day that I have posted a blog entry. In "honor" of that, I present this (hopefully) fun list of 33 things that are related in some way to the number 300. Enjoy!


IN HISTORY...


1)  In the year 300 B.C., Seleucus founded the city of Antioch, some 20 miles up the Orontes River, naming it after his father. Several hundred years later, Antioch would become a chief center of early Christianity. With its large population of Jewish people in a quarter of the city known as Kerateion, Antioch attracted some the earliest and most well-known missionaries, including the apostles Peter and Paul and Paul's fellow laborer, Barnabas. The converts in Antioch were the first to be called "Christians." The modern city of Antakya, Turkey (pictured below), sits atop the ancient site of Antioch.

2)  Also in 300 B.C. the central texts of Jainism – the Jain scriptures – were first recorded. For those of you (like me) who didn't know -- Jainism is an Indian religion that prescribes a path of non-violence towards all living beings. Its philosophy and practice emphasize the necessity of self-effort to move the soul toward divine consciousness and liberation.

3)  In the year A.D. 300, the city of Split – a Mediterranean city on the eastern shores of the Adriatic Sea – was built. Modern-day Split, located in Croatia, is that country's second-largest city, with a population in excess of 178,000 citizens.

4)  Also in A.D. 300, the lion became extinct from Armenia, and the elephant became extinct from North Africa.

5)  In A.D. 300, the Kama Sutra, an Indian handbook on the art of sexual love, was produced by the sage Vatsyayana. This is the only tasteful photo I could come up with for this one.

6)  Also in A.D. 300, the Panchatantra, a Sanskrit collection of fables and fairy tales, was written in India. Incidentally, "Panchatantra" is an extraordinarily fun name to say aloud.

7)  The magnetic compass for navigation was invented in China in the year A.D. 300. Looks a lot like a ladle to me, but whatever...

8)  Tiridates III made his kingdom of Armenia the first state to adopt Christianity as its official religion in A.D. 300.

IN POPULAR CULTURE...


9)  300 is a 2007 action film based on the 1998 comic series of the same name by Frank Miller. It is a fictionalized retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae. The plot revolves around King Leonidas, who leads 300 Spartans into battle against Persian "god-king" Xerxes and his army of more than one million soldiers.

10)  Frank Miller's limited comic-book series 300 was inspired in large part by the 1962 film, The 300 Spartans, a movie that Miller had watched as a young boy.

11)  300: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, composed by Tyler Bates (and orchestrated and conducted by Timothy Williams), met with some controversy in the film composer community (side note: the film composers have a community?) because the soundtrack borrows elements from Elliot Goldenthal's 1999 score for the film Titus. Warner Bros. Pictures later acknowledged that they had been made aware that elements of the soundtrack had been "derived" (aka "stolen") from Goldenthal's compositions "without our knowledge or participation" and noted that Goldenthal and Warner Bros. are "pleased to have amicably resolved this matter." In other words, Goldenthal got paid big-time for a movie he technically didn't even work on.

12)  Pop/rock singer-songwriter Heather Nova released an album called 300 Days At Sea in September of this year. Here's a track from that album called "Do Something That Scares You." Not bad.

13)  Jazz singer Chieko Sano released an album called 300 Flowers in October 2010. I couldn't find a videos of any song from this one, but the cover is nice and happy.

14)  The Latin music group Banda 300 released their debut album El Alegre (which means "The Happy") in January of 2010. The following song, "Popurri de Corridos" (which translates, roughly, "The Potpourri of the Unpaid Rent") is taken from that album. It's alright, I suppose.

15)  In January 1982, recording artist Jim Nollman released an album called Playing Music With Animals: The Interspecies Communication of Jim Nollman With 300 Turkeys, 12 Wolves, & 20 Orca Whales. Which is apparently exactly what it sounds like it is. I couldn't find a video of any tracks (I hesitate to call them songs) from this album, either, but here's the album cover.

16)  In April 2009, the pop band Andy Suzuki & The Method released an album entitled 300 Pianos. This is the title track from that CD – it's quite lovely, actually.

17)  This classic blues song by Howlin' Wolf is entitled "300 Pounds Of Joy." Give it a listen – it's pretty cool.

18)  300 Miles To Heaven (original title: 30 Mil do Nieba) is a 1989 Danish-Polish-French film based on a true story about two Polish boys – a teenager and his little brother – escaping from communist Poland and fleeing to Sweden by hiding under a truck. Here's a link to the entire film, but you may not get a whole lot out of the dialogue if you don't speak Danish and/or Polish, as there are no subtitles. (Sorry!)

IN SPORTS...


19)  In paintball, 300 feet per second is the maximum legal velocity of a shot paintball.

20)  In bowling, 300 is a perfect score, and is achieved by rolling strikes in all ten frames (twelve strikes total).

21)  Winning 300 games is the mark of a very successful career for a Major League Baseball pitcher. Reaching this milestone usually (but not always) earns the player a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Only 24 pitchers in the history of baseball have won 300 or more games; pitchers Lefty Grove and Early Wynn both won exactly 300 games during their careers.

22)  Hitting .300 or better (reaching base safely at least 30% of the time) is considered extremely good for a Major League Baseball hitter. Of the thousands of players who have enjoyed long careers in baseball, only 207 have hit .300 or better for their entire careers. Emmitt Heidrick was the only player to hit exactly .300 (down to the last decimal point) for his career.

23)  To date, only 135 baseball players have hit 300 or more homeruns throughout the course of their careers. Hall of Famer Chuck Klein and current Philadelphia Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard have hit exactly 300 homers in their careers.

24)  Quarterback John Elway of the Denver Broncos threw exactly 300 touchdown passes during the regular season in his career, good for sixth all-time.

RANDOM STUFF...


25)  "300" was a bowling-themed pinball machine that was released in August 1975. Only 7,925 machines were produced. A "300" pinball machine in good condition would sell for around $400 today. (This point would have worked out much nicer if the current value was $300...but I digress.)

26)  For whatever it's worth, the number 300 is the sum of ten consecutive prime numbers: 13 + 17 + 19 + 23 + 29 + 31 + 37 + 41 + 43 + 47 = 300.

27)  300 is the lowest possible credit score on the Fair Isaac scale.

28)  Chrysler has made several different models of cars with "300" in the name over the years, including the Chrysler 300 Letter Series (1962-71); the Hurst 300 (1970); the Chrysler 300 (1979); the Chrysler 300M (1999-2004); and the modern-day Chrysler 300 (2005-present).

29)  Human beings are born with approximately 300 bones, though this number goes down to 206 by the time we reach adulthood, as some of the bones naturally fuse together over time.

30)  On this date in 1597, Korean military leader Admiral Yi Sun-Sin routed the Japanese Navy's 300 ships with only 13 ships at the Battle of Myeonnyang during the Imjin War. Sounds kinda like King Leonidas' odds, eh?

31)  The number 300 in Roman numerals is CCC. "CCC" can also be an abbreviation for Civilian Conservation Corps, Copyright Clearance Center, California Correctional Center, Cleveland Chiropractic College, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Calorie Control Council, Coca-Cola Classic, Closed-Circuit Camera, and Campus Crusade for Christ, among many others.

32)   The number 300 is mentioned 31 times in the Bible, but only once in the Koran. Notable occurrences in the Bible include: the perfume that Lazarus' sister Mary used to anoint Jesus' feet, which cost 300 denarii; the length of Noah's ark, which was 300 cubits; Gideon's 300 invincible soldiers; and Samson's 300 captured foxes which he loosened on the harvest of the Philistines.

33)  According to Google Maps, if I were to drive exactly 300 miles from my house in a northeasterly direction, I would arrive at the Cross Creek Golf Club in Beltsville, Maryland, which is located approximately 23 miles from Washington, D.C., and 27 miles from Baltimore. But I wouldn't play golf, because I mostly hate golf. If I were to drive exactly 300 miles due west from my house, I would arrive at Marchman Field, a small local airport near Rutherfordton, North Carolina. What I would do when I got there, I don't have a clue. If I were to drive exactly 300 miles from my house in a southwesterly direction, I would arrive at the Charleston Tines & Tusks Sportsmen's Club near Dorchester, South Carolina. But I wouldn't hunt there, because I mostly hate hunting. Finally, if I were to drive 183 miles east of my house to Nags Head, North Carolina, then hop in a boat and sail an additional 113 miles in an easterly direction (for a total of 300 miles), I would end up somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, surrounded by nothing more than hundreds of miles of very deep water. Yeah...that's not gonna happen.