Dear Elderly Man Riding A Shopping Cart Like A Skateboard...

Dear Elderly Man Riding A Shopping Cart Like A Skateboard,

Saw you in Harris Teeter last night, doing your thing.

Was wondering what you were up to when you jogged to the front of the store, seemingly in quite a hurry.

Thought it a little odd when you passed by me again, having fetched a shopping cart, still jogging while pushing the cart along at a pretty good pace in front of you. I actually had to cut right quickly to avoid being grocery store roadkill.

But what really got me was when you came barreling down the frozen foods aisle, quite literally kicking off with your back foot, your front foot on the bottom rack of the cart, then stepped up fully onto the rack, and zoomed the full length of the aisle at breakneck speed. I nodded politely at you as you passed but I don't think you noticed. You were pretty engrossed in the task at hand.

By the way, that was a deft evasive maneuver, veering left just as that mom was approaching with her two rambunctious boys. I think you really got their attention.

Just wanted to drop you a quick line to say I admire your chutzpah in attempting to recapture your childhood in a crowded supermarket – I would never have the nerve to actually go through with it.

Or, if it wasn't that, and you were just crazy or something, I admire your unabashed lunacy – I only do weird stuff like that when nobody is looking. Or when I'm in a foreign country. Like the time...well, never mind.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you were able to find everything you were looking for last night. Whatever that was. And hopefully I'll see you in there again sometime. It was, shall we say, an experience!

Regards,
A Bemused Bystander

To Know Me Is To Read Me

Real Talk:  it took a lot of self-convincing for me to decide to start writing a blog. It wasn't that I thought I would quickly run out of interesting and/or relevant things to say – so far, so good. And it wasn't because I don't enjoy writing or that I don't express myself very well through writing; on the contrary, I love writing and it has always come fairly easily to me. The problem was and is entirely with me.

I've always been a pretty private person, not really letting many people in on what's going on inside my head. It's not that I lack emotions or opinions; I just don't express them very well in ways that you can see and hear.

As a result, I think I am somewhat of an enigma (at best) or an eccentric (at worst) to people who know me. There is a degree of vulnerability which comes with opening myself up to other people with which I've never been entirely comfortable. I don't know why that is the case, but it is.

So, in an effort to break this 32-year pattern, I decided to make it a point – on a regular basis – to express my thoughts, feelings, and opinions in the best way I know how – by writing about them. Thus, "The Plural Of Hyena" blog was born.

I recognize that not everything I say will resonate with everyone and that some of my opinions or ideas may be frowned upon. Who knows, maybe some people will choose to disassociate with me altogether, but I hope not.

So here I am. Taking a leap of faith and letting you get to know me better. Not that your life or mine will necessarily be affected one bit in the process – it simply is what it is. And so am I.

Too Short To Ride The Roller Coaster

I'm sure you've all seen the signs that go something like this:

YOU MUST BE ____" TALL TO RIDE THIS ROLLER COASTER.

Well, sometimes I feel like I'm head and shoulders above that line and am prepared for any dips, turns, and spins that roller coaster may throw at me. Other days, I'm just shy of the qualifying height, and am content – dare I say, relieved – to be sitting on the sidelines and watching all those poor suckers blow chunks on the folks behind them.

(Okay, maybe that was a little gross, but I'm a guy...give me a break!)

What am I talking about, you ask? Good question.

Sometimes you see something coming that you aren't able to avoid, and yet you still find yourself ready to meet that challenge head on, come what may. Other times, you see trouble coming and you want to tuck tail and run the other way. I'm having one of those "tuck tail" days.

The more reliable of our two unreliable vehicles went into the shop yesterday, with both Mary and I expecting the worst. Turns out, it wasn't as bad as we expected. Just a busted alternator. I say "just" like getting it fixed didn't cost money – it did. But it could have been worse. We both breathed a huge sigh of relief. That is, until – on the way home from the auto shop – our other, older, and much less reliable vehicle decided that this would be an ideal time to show signs that its alternator was also on the fast track to busted! If you ask me, I think it's a sibling rivalry thing. Or that our imported car was jealous that the domestic van got to take a field trip to the shop, and it wanted to go too. I don't know, I'm probably over-thinking this whole thing.

Regardless, now we have to take the other car in to get it fixed. Of course, the tax refund check was just direct-deposited into our bank account this week!  Of course it was – that's when things always fall apart, right?

So, just a heads-up here: if you see me running down Arlington Boulevard (that's in G-Vegas for all you out-of-towners), and if I'm screaming like a banshee, and looking more than a little crazy, just smile and wave and keep on driving. Maybe I'll be tall enough for the roller coaster next week.


ADDENDUM:
Turns out I spoke too soon about the van - Mr. Reliable that it thinks itself to be - about it being "all better now" and all that jazz.  The check engine light decided to make an encore appearance just as Mary was pulling into our driveway. Problem UN-solved!

An Inkling Of An Idea

Something's cooking in my brain - and no, it's not the kind of things recently or presently cooking in Charlie Sheen's brain - that dude's completely wack!

I don't know if or when it will come to fruition. But if it does, it could be pretty exciting, and a little scary.

The thing is, I don't want to do anything for self-gratification or self-promotion, so I have to be careful to check my motives.

I know all this is vague, and that's by design, but I don't want to elaborate just yet, in case nothing comes of it.

So all I can say is, I guess, stay tuned.

(OK, I promise my next entry will be of more substance, or at least more entertaining. That's all for now.)

Plenty

I want a house. (But I have a house.) I want a car. (But I have a car.) I want money. (But I have money.) I want abundance. (But I have abundance.)

Perhaps I should clarify...

I want a nicer house that isn't as old, doesn't have as many problems, and isn't attached to five other "houses" - it's a townhouse.

And yet, the house I have is just fine. The heat works when it's cold. The air cools me off when it's hot. I have a place to take a shower in the morning, and a place to lay my head at night.

I want a car that ISN'T old enough to vote, that doesn't need something fixed every couple of months, that doesn't have a dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree with warning lights every time I drive it.

And yet, the car I have is just fine. The heat and air conditioning warm and cool me as needed. It never breaks down on the way to or back from work. And it's been completely paid off for years now.

I want money enough to to pay off all outstanding debts, enough to cover any unexpected hiccups that may come my way, enough to buy the things I want and not just the things I need.

And yet, I have enough money to pay my bills every month, with a little left over for savings. I'm not in danger of having my house foreclosed, or my car repossessed, or being sent to a collections agency for any reason. I have a job I enjoy that compensates me sufficiently to meet my needs. And, on occasion, I am able to afford some things that I want - but don't necessarily need.

I want abundance. And yet...

I have a house, a car, and a job. In many places all over the world, I would be considered a rich man.

When will I - and when will WE - realize what "plenty" really means?

Poems For Your Perusal – #1: "Not My Best Foot"

"Not My Best Foot"

This is not my best foot

But forward it must go

This is not my finest hour

But it will have to do.

I must be self-conscious

Aware of what I lack

The will to take what I can get

And give so little back.

This is not my legacy

For that will have to wait

This is simply honesty

But far too far from fate.

What I have to offer

Is rarely ribbon-worthy

I simply must express

Emote, release, if only for me.

I do not seek your honor

I do not want your prize

Though this is not my best foot,

I will not apologize.

Double Standards

Many people set ridiculously high standards for their fellow man (or woman, or child). They expect others to be exactly what they want them to be; and when (inevitably) others do not live up to that standard, they are rebuked, rebuffed, or in some cases, removed. Whether or not these same people set for themselves the same standards, or whether they live up to their own expectations of themselves is, for the sake of this discussion, irrelevant.

Here's what is relevant. And that's God's standard. Whoa, whoa, God's standard? Isn't that PERFECTION? Yes, it is. And there can be no exceptions to the rule. It's either perfection or destruction. Well, where's the hope in that?

Here's the thing. God expects absolute perfection, yet He expects it from imperfect creatures. How do you reconcile the two? That reconciliation only comes in the person of the God-Man, Jesus Christ. Jesus bridged the gap between God's perfection and our imperfection through the blood He shed on the cross. Without that, we have no hope. We have no means, in and of ourselves, of achieving God's standard of perfection. But, with Jesus interceding for us, the gap between us and God not only narrows, it closes.

Given the choice between the two – utter hopelessness and everlasting hope – I'll stick with the latter. What about you?