Friday, May 11, 2012

The OTHER People Running For President

Unless you've been living under a rock, or you don't own a television or computer, and you don't read the newspapers (what are those again?), or you just haven't been paying attention, this guy...

President Barack Obama

...Is running for reelection as President of the United States. He's the Democratic Party nominee, hands-down. This guy....

Jim Rogers

...wanted to secure the nomination for the Democrats, and actually got his name on the ballot in the primaries, but fell just shy of the 15% required to earn any delegates. I'm guessing it was the red hat and shirt that did him in. People see red and they think you're a Communist, and no one wants a Communist for a president. Oh, wait...

Anyway, as I was saying, this guy....

(Obama again)

...is going head-to-head with this guy....

Mitt Romney

...who's the presumptive nominee for the Republican Party. Romney didn't get this far unopposed, though.

This guy...

Herman Cain

...wanted to win, too, but unfortunately he didn't get too far.

This lady...

Michelle Bachmann

...wanted in on the fun, too, and she still can't figure out where she went wrong.

This guy...

Newt Gingrich

...was pretty disappointed when he had to bow out, once it was clear he couldn't win the nomination.

This guy...

Jon Huntsman

...thought he had what it takes, down to the perfectly coiffed hair (a la Romney) and a surname that would make the NRA proud. Sadly for him, it was not enough.

This guy...


Rick Perry

...made a few big blunders along the way, and had to bow out of the race.

This guy...

Rick Santorum

...hung around longer than most of the other Republicans in an obviously crowded field, but still wasn't able to convince enough folks that he was their man.

This guy...

Ron Paul
...actually still thinks he can win. Keep dreamin', Ronnie!


So know that you know who IS in for the major two parties:

This guy...



And this guy...



Now let's take a look at some of the lesser-known candidates for President from the independent and other (some fairly obscure) political parties...


First we have the nominee from the Justice Party, who's also a candidate for the Americans Elect Party nomination. (Go figure that!) This guy...

Rocky Anderson

Now, I know it's unfair to pick on a man's name, but with all the craziness going on in this country today, do we really want to hand the reins over to a guy named "Rocky"? I mean, think about it!


Next, from the America Third Position Party, we have this guy...

Merlin Miller

...Merlin's hoping to work his magic and just make all of our problems disappear, like "POOF!" Good luck with that, Merl!


Next up, from the Constitution Party, we have this guy...

Virgil Goode

Well, one thing's for sure, if Virgil won the election, he'd definitely be a Goode President. Whether or not he'd be a good president remains to be seen.


One of three nominees for the Green Party (and frankly the only one worth mentioning) is the one, the only...

Roseanne Barr

Yep, that's the same Roseanne Barr, Emmy Award-winning actress and comedienne, who once sang the National Anthem at a ball game as badly as anyone ever has, then grabbed her crotch and spat (presumably imitating baseball players?) as she was being booed off the field.


The Libertarian Party's nominee is this guy...

Gary Johnson

Johnson, former governor of New Mexico, is well-known for campaigning to legalize marijuana, vetoing nearly every bill that crossed his desk, and climbing Mount Everest, making him uniquely qualified to run the greatest country in the world.


From the Party For Socialism And Liberation, we have this young lady...

Peta Lindsay

...And I do mean "young." At 28 years old, Peta is not even old enough to officially run for President. But her party figured since she's so cute and she doesn't stand a chance to win anyway, why the heck not let her run?


From the Prohibition Party, we have this guy...

Jack Fellure

With a name like Fellure, he's sure not to win! He might have considered a name change prior to filing. Something more positive like "Jack Champion." Now that's a name I'd vote for! Poor slob couldn't even get a campaign picture of himself that was in focus. Epic Fellure!


And lastly, we have an independent candidate, who is, shall we say, like none other...

Robert Burck aka "The Naked Cowboy"



Don't get your knickers in a knot, he's wearing briefs! I dunno, this guy might have a shot. At least you can't complain that he's spending campaign funds on stupid stuff, like pants. And he's always in the public eye, especially in New York City. And he probably doesn't have anything to hide. Where would he hide it? Indeed, Burck might be the best presidential candidate of them all!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Pseudonyms, Pen Names, And Noms De Plume

1)  Ellery Queen:  Used as both a pseudonym and a fictional character, Ellery Queen has to be one of the most well-known fake names in literature. Very popular in their heyday, the Ellery Queen mysteries were the brainchild of two cousins from Brooklyn, New York. Now, stick with me on this one. The two cousins' names were Frederick Dannay (which was actually a pseudonym for Daniel Nathan) and Manfred Bennington Lee (which was a pseudonym for Emanuel Lepofsky). Yep, that's right: their "real" names were pseudonyms for their "real real" names. The two also wrote a few books under the collective pseudonym Barnaby Ross, but those books weren't nearly as popular. Nobody had ever heard of that guy!

Ellery Queen


2)  The Many Names Of Dean Koontz:  I've long been a fan of Koontz's writing, although some of his more recent novels severely pale in comparison to the ones he was churning out in the '80s and '90s. Early on in his career, Dean Koontz was quite the prolific writer, publishing books in almost every genre imaginable. Because he was an unknown writer at the time, publishers encouraged him to use a different pseudonym for each genre of book he wrote so that readers wouldn't be confused. (I'm confused just writing this!) Consequently, prior to achieving fame primarily as a horror/thriller novelist, Koontz's works were attributed to a variety of different made-up "people", including David Axton, Leonard Chris, Brian Coffey, Deanna Dwyer, John Hill (no imaginary relation!), Leigh Nichols, Anthony North, Richard Paige, Owen West, and Aaron Wolfe. You've gotta hand it to him, all those names sound very different and none even remotely resemble Koontz's own name. Anyway, these days he just goes by Dean Koontz. Although maybe for some of his lesser works, he should consider going back to one of those pseudonyms. Just a thought, Dean...

Dean Koontz


3)  Lemony Snicket:  This interminably catchy name is the pseudonym of Daniel Handler, author of the popular children's book series, A Series Of Unfortunate Events. Lemony Snicket also serves as the first-person narrator of the stories and occasionally appears as an actual character in the books. Presumably, Handler assumed the pseudonym to write these books to distinguish them from his adult-oriented fiction, which he may not necessarily want younger kids to read.

Daniel Handler aka Lemony Snicket


4)  Richard Bachman:  Much like Koontz, early on in Stephen King's career, he was writing more books than his publishers felt comfortable releasing in such a short time. The thinking then was that if an author publishes more than one book per year that the market will be saturated with his or her work and that would not be a good thing. (Doesn't seem to be the thinking these days – just ask novelist James Patterson, who doesn't actually "write" all the books he gets credited with). So King came up with the idea to write books under the pseudonym Richard Bachman. King was also curious to find out if his books were as wildly popular as they then were simply because of name recognition or due to the actual merit of the books themselves. King thought that if the Bachman books sold well on their own, then maybe there was actually something to his success after all. Unfortunately for King, fans caught on rather quickly, noticing little hints sprinkled within the text of the books and recognizing a writing style suspiciously similar to King's. King was soon "outed" as the author of the Richard Bachman books, and subsequently issued a press release announcing Bachman's death due to "cancer of the pseudonym."

Stephen King aka Richard Bachman


5)  Edward Gorey:  Author and artist Edward Gorey was famous for his often-macabre illustrations in his own books and books by other authors. But he was also well-known for his love of wordplay (I can definitely relate!), and wrote many of his books under pseudonyms which were actually anagrams of his own name, including: Ogdred Weary, (Mrs.) Regera Dowdy, Raddory Gewe, Dogear Wryde, E. G. Deadworry, D. Awdrey-Gore, Wardore Edgy, (Madame) Groeda Weyrd, and Dewda Yorger. Which, of course, made me curious to find out what kind of pseudonyms I could make using the letters from my own name (Jason P. Hill). These are some of the better ones I came up with: J. L. Siphonal, Jin Shallop, Josh Pallin, John Aspill, Phill Jonas, and Jalin H. Slop. If I ever wanted to use a female pseudonym for some reason, I could use Jan L. Polish, Lila J. Ponsh, Jill Shapon, or Liloh J. Snap. Cool!

Edward Gorey


6)  Two Ladies Named George:  In the early 1800s, it wasn't all that easy for female authors to get their works published, even if they were exceptionally good writers. In some cases, if a book written by a woman was deemed worthy but the publisher was hesitant to publish it, the author (often at the behest of the publisher) would assume a male name so that the public would more readily accept the novel as "legitimate." Such was the case with French author George Sand (born Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin) and English novelist George Eliot (born Mary Anne Evans). Both women achieved notoriety and success as authors despite the sentiment of the time that women couldn't write as well as men. Eliot, in particular, contributed several significant works which have since become classics, including Silas Marner, Middlemarch, Adam Bede, and The Mill On The Floss.

George Sand

George Eliot


7)  Collective Pseudonyms:  Throughout the history of publishing, numerous series of books (especially children's books) have been written not by one author, but by many different writers, often working in teams. Some of the most popular series of all-time fall under this category. Victor Appleton is credited with authoring both the Tom Swift and Don Sturdy series of books for young boys. In reality, "Victor Appleton" was a number of people, all working for the Stratemeyer Syndicate, which churned out hundreds of books per year in the early part of the 20th century by employing this very method of authorship. That same syndicate gave us Laura Lee Hope, a collective pseudonym for the author of the Bobbsey Twins books, the Moving Picture Girls books (Appleton "wrote" the Moving Picture Boys books), and the Make Believe Stories, among others. Perhaps the most famous collective pseudonyms are Carolyn Keene and Franklin W. Dixon. Ever read a Nancy Drew (Keene) or Hardy Boys (Dixon) book? I'm sure many of us have. Both series of books were (and still are) published under the collective pseudonyms of Keene and Dixon, but were actually written by many, many different authors, both men and women.

?????


8)  Anne Rice:  This prolific novelist, probably most famous for her Vampire Chronicles series (written well before vampire novels were "trendy," I might add), took on the pseudonym "Anne Rice" for the exact opposite reason that the two ladies named George changed their names for publishing. Since she was born Howard Allen Frances O'Brien – half of her four given names being traditionally male – Rice thought it might make more since to write under a female name to avoid confusion when folks saw her author photo on the book of the book. Probably a wise move on her part.  She doesn't really look like a "Howard" to me. What do you think?

Anne Rice


9)  Mark Twain:  One of America's most popular novelists and humorists was not born with the name that made him famous. The author we know as Mark Twain was actually born Samuel Langhorne Clemens. Initially, Clemens used the pseudonym "Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass" for humorous pieces that he had published. But when that wasn't working for him anymore, Clemens sought a new name to use for his writings. Having worked for years on Mississippi riverboats, Clemens remembered often hearing the phrase "mark twain" – which meant that the boat was in deep enough water (about 12 feet) that it was safe to pass – and thought it had a nice ring to it. And so it did. And so it does.

Mark Twain aka Samuel L. Clemens


10)  Poppy Z. Brite:  Okay, so this one's going to be confusing for me to write, so just bear with me. First of all, Poppy Z. Brite has got to be one of the coolest "fake names" I've ever heard. Poppy was born Melissa Ann Brite as a woman (like I said, bear with me). When she started writing fiction – mostly gothic horror, some of which I've read – she assumed the name Poppy Z. Brite because, well, it just sounds way cooler than Melissa Ann. Anyway, she became very famous and probably made lots of money writing as Poppy Z. Brite. A couple of years ago, Poppy revealed that she had long dealt with gender dysphoria and gender identity issues, and that she actually identified herself as a gay man. She/he then began the process of gender reassignment and now goes by the name Billy Martin – which pales in comparison to Poppy Z. Brite. But I digress. (This is where it gets tricky, because now I'm "supposed" to use all male pronouns like "he" and "his.") Martin has since retired and while he still writes for pleasure (blogging and such), he does not feel the need to write for publication any longer. Oy! That was awkward. But interesting...

Poppy Z. Brite (left) / Billy Martin (right)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Short Story: "Portions"

Well, this is it, folks! My 20th completed short story and the eventual title story for the short-story collection that I plan to put together in e-book form this year. I picked the title for my story collection months ago, but never gave much thought to writing a story by the same name until today. As it turns out, it was an unexpectedly good call to try and write one. Once I had the idea, the story sort of wrote itself.


Now having finished 20 stories (which was my goal all along) and reached 25,158 words total (25,000 was my goal), I can now begin the process of self-editing before I start to put it all together in book form.


To all of you who've read me faithfully this year, thank you very much! If you have encouraged me through comments or whatever, keep it up – most writers, myself included, are extremely insecure when it comes to what they've written. They (and I) almost always think what they've written is wonderful, but seen through another's eyes, it's easier to take a critical eye at things that need more work, and to better appreciate why certain things work well or don't. I know I'm not a fantastic writer, but I try to put forth quality work whenever I write something. Any comments that you feel comfortable giving on this and any and other of my stories, believe me, I welcome it! All that being said, I hope you enjoy this short story, entitled "Portions"....


PORTIONS


Four sips of water and four sandwich quarters per day. Pimento cheese and lettuce. Never more than that, and often less. By the time I receive it, the the bread is already crusty, the pimento cheese slightly rancid, and the lettuce brown and wilted. But it's food, and it sustains me.

I haven't seen daylight in eighteen months. That is, I think it's been eighteen months. I keep losing count. After five hundred days, I stopped counting altogether. One reason was that there was no more room on the wall. Another is that I stopped caring. Well, almost.

How I wound up here is actually a funny story, if you think about it hard enough. On the surface, it might sooner be deemed a tragedy. My hubby and I had arrived here by cruise ship as part of a romantic getaway. It was supposed to be a second honeymoon for us, since our first one was protracted, as I was doing clinicals at the time and couldn't get away for a whole week.

We had the whole day on the island to do whatever we wanted, as long as we were back on the ship by 6pm. I wish we'd been paying better attention to the time, or we might not have wandered so far away from the ship. But there was so much to see and do here. Such vibrant colors everywhere – the houses, the stores, even the fire hydrants (the favorite color for those seems to be magenta). Everything back in the States is dull by comparison. Of course, I'd trade anything to see that dullness again.

Here I see nothing but three walls and metal bars. I haven't seen Stephen since they locked us up. I pray every day that he's still alive. If he is, they're keeping him somewhere else. I haven't heard his voice in so long, except in my dreams. But back to the story.

We'd been having a marvelous day trip here on the island, and we'd just finished eating lunch when a strange man approached us on the street. This wasn't altogether unexpected, as the cruise director and all the brochures warned us this was a possibility. Just be polite, they said, and respectfully decline whatever it is they're trying to sell you. Sometimes it's legitimate merchandise, sometimes it's black-market, and sometimes there is no merchandise at all – they're just out to steal your money.

It seems that constables are stationed at every street corner here, which certainly engenders a sense of security. Except when you're in the middle of the block, closer to an alleyway than a street corner, and your hubby has to stop and tie his shoe. Which is exactly where we were when the man approached.

He was dressed much like the rest of the natives we saw, in a brightly colored floral-print shirt and purple khaki shorts. Indeed, the clothes are as flashy as everything else around here. He wore a straw hat that looked like he made it himself and that had seen its better days. He offered us a brochure of some kind, written in the native language, and began pointing at the words in bold across the top. He spoke little English, but tried to convey what the brochure was all about as best he could. Something about political prisoners and modern torture methods. In retrospect, I probably should have paid better attention. It may have helped me understand why we were taken.

When the man seemed sure that he'd piqued our interest sufficiently (although he really hadn't, at least on my part), he beckoned us to follow him to a door in the alleyway. He bore a broad grin that exposed jagged (and a few missing) teeth which was more creepy than inviting, but for some reason we followed him. Stupid, I know, but we thought maybe we'd get something free out of the deal, an authentic native meal or something just for listening to the man rant in his own (and badly in our) language.

As soon as we crossed the threshold of the door, which was shabbily constructed and well-worn, we knew we had made a mistake. Two very large men filled the tiny space we'd entered, a cantina of some kind that appeared to have dried up decades earlier. To describe the two men properly would be impossible, as we only saw them for a few seconds. Immediately, one of the men grabbed me while the other manhandled Stephen and wrestled us both to the ground, faces-down. I couldn't tell you what they hit me with, I just felt the impact at the back of my head for half a second, then nothing. When I awoke, I was here in this cell, obviously somewhere below-ground. It was (and still is) dank, very dark, and cold. Ironic since it's probably swelteringly hot aboveground, as it usually is here and was the day we arrived.

I'm sure our families went out of their minds when they heard that we'd been left on the island by the cruise ship. Certainly they'd assume that we'd just catch the next flight, or boat, or whatever,  off the island and head back home as soon as we were able. What dark thoughts – all of them valid as it turns out – must have passed through their minds in the ensuing months might have already killed Stephen's parents. Jim and Dottie were much older when they had Stephen than my parents were. Jim has a bad heart, and Dottie has high blood pressure. My folks are on opposite sides of the country, but they would have likely kept in touch these many months to see if the other had heard from me.

But no one had heard from me, because I have been here. I'm sure Stephen hasn't been able to reach out to anyone back home either if he's in the same situation I'm in. I'm sure he is, if he's not dead already. My heart tells me he's alive, but I still worry. With good reason, of course.

I've never known who our captors are. I've never even seen their faces. They shine light in my face four times a day when they bring me water and my sandwich quarter (to make sure I'm still alive?), but my blinded eyes can't make out any facial features that I would recognize later – if there is a later.

Are we political prisoners, like the ones in the strange man's brochure? If so, why? If not, why are we here? What about Stephen and I would be important enough that the government of this island nation would use us as a bargaining chip for political purposes? And why do they think the United States gives a rip about the two of us when it won't even negotiate with terrorists?

Whatever the reason, we're here. Well, I am for sure. Daily I fantasize that Stephen has found a way to escape and is plotting to free me any way he can as soon as he can. Or maybe he has escaped and made his way back home and bringing reinforcements to come back and get me. Maybe he's lost his memory, doesn't know who he is, and doesn't even remember that I exist. Or maybe he remembers everything, and has chosen to move on with his life without me. The thought of that is ten times worse than imagining his being dead.

I wish I could offer you a better ending to my story. But it is what is is I am still here, waiting for my release or my death, the ultimate release. I have no greater hope than that, unless it is to see Stephen again. I sleep fitfully, day and night, and wake to a worse nightmare than I've endured in slumber. The door to the outside world opens four times a day, and I am given my portions. I force them down and keep on waiting. I survive.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Words You Can Make Using Letters From The Words "Amendment One"

DISCLAIMER:  This is not a political rant for or against the amendment which is being voted upon today in North Carolina. If you see significance in any of the words I've chosen to form using the letters from "Amendment One," it is likely only your imagination. If you still choose to think that I picked certain words on purpose, well then, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. ~ JPH


1)  Memento:  (a) An object or item that serves to remind one of a person, past event, etc.; keepsake; souvenir.  (b) Anything serving as a reminder or warning.
 



2)  Momenta:  Force or speed of movement; impetus, as of a physical object or course of events.




3)  Dement:  To make mad or insane.




4)  Moan:  To utter something inarticulately or pitifully, as if in lamentation.




5)  Atone:  (a) To make amends or reparation, as for an offense or a crime, or for an offender.  (b) To make up, as for errors or deficiencies.  (c) To become reconciled; agree.




6)  Demote:  To reduce to a lower grade, rank, class, or position.




7)  Demon:  (a) An evil spirit; devil or fiend.  (b) An evil passion or influence.  (c) A person considered extremely wicked, evil, or cruel.




8)  Demean:  To lower in dignity, honor, or standing; debase.




9)  Mate:  noun  (a) Husband or wife; spouse.  (b) One of a pair.  (c) A counterpart.  (d) An associate; fellow worker; comrade; partner.  verb  (a) To join as a mate or as mates.  (b) To match or marry.  (c) To join, fit, or associate suitably.




10)  Amend:  (a) To alter, modify, rephrase, or add to or subtract from (a motion, bill, constitution, etc.) by formal procedure.  (b) To change for the better; improve.  (c) To remove or correct faults in; rectify.




11)  Mean:  (a) Offensive, selfish, or unaccommodating; nasty; malicious.  (b) Small-minded or ignoble.  (c) Inferior in grade, quality, or character.  (d) Low in status, rank, or dignity.




12)  Name:  (a) A word or a combination of words by which a person, place, or thing, a body or class, or any object of thought is designated, called, or known.  (b) An appellation, title, or epithet, applied descriptively, in honor, abuse, etc.  (c) A reputation of a particular kind given by common opinion.




13)  Amen:  It is so; so be it (used after a prayer, creed, or other formal statement to express solemn ratification or agreement).




14)  Damn:  (a) To declare something to be bad, unfit, invalid, or illegal.  (b) To bring condemnation upon; ruin.  (c) To doom to eternal punishment or condemn to hell.




15)  Mend:  (a) To make (something broken, worn, torn, or otherwise damaged) whole, sound, or usable by repairing.  (b) To remove or correct defects or errors in.  (c) To set right; make better; improve.




16)  Ammo:  (a) The material fired, scattered, dropped, or detonated from any weapon.  (b)  Any material, means, weapons, etc., used in any conflict.  (c)  Information, advice, or supplies to help defend or attack a viewpoint, argument, or claim.




17)  Deem:  (a) To form or have an opinion; judge; think.  (b) To hold as an opinion; think; regard.




18)  Tend:  (a) To be disposed or inclined in action, operation, or effect to do something.  (b) To be disposed toward an idea, emotion, way of thinking, etc.  (c)  To be inclined to or have a tendency toward a particular quality, state, or degree.  (d)  To lead or be directed in a particular direction.




19)  Ado:  A great deal of fuss and noise; a considerable emotional upset; to-do; commotion; stir; tumult; flurry.




20)  One:  (a) Being or amounting to a single unit or individual or entire thing, item, or object rather than two or more; a single.  (b) Being a person, thing, or individual instance or member of a number, kind, group, or category indicated.  (c) Existing, acting, or considered as a single unit, entity, or individual.  (d) In a state of agreement; of one opinion; united in thought or feeling.