Interesting Quotes By Famous Bald People

"Sometimes you make the right decision;

 sometimes you make the decision right."

~ Dr. Phil McGraw

"I don't do impersonations. I can do a wounded elephant! 

I can do a really good cow! And because of the amount of time 

I spent in North Yorkshire, I do a variety of sheep. 

All of which I will be happy to roll out for you."

~ Patrick Stewart

"A man is but the product of his thoughts; 

what he thinks, he becomes."

~ Mahatma Gandhi

"I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning, 

and there I am just laughing my head off."

~ Bruce Willis

"You have to have sharp elbows if you want to change something."

~ James Carville

"I have been offered a lot for my work, but never everything."

~ Yul Brynner

 "I can accept failure -- everyone fails 

at something. But I can't accept not trying."

~ Michael Jordan

"We're all born bald, baby!"

~ Telly Savalas

"I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at.

I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety.

But I did it all in the name of entertainment."

~ Howie Mandel

"Creative people are very insecure people, because they

don't know whether people like them or are in awe of them."

~ Persis Khambatta

 "But I haven't got a wicense to shoot a fwicaseeing wabbit..."

~ Elmer Fudd

"I would like to be called an inspiration to people, not a

role model -- because I make mistakes like everybody else. 

When I'm offstage, I'm just like everybody else."
~ Britney Spears

10 New Things I Learned From "Random Article"

I've done this before, but every now and then, I go to Wikipedia.org and click on the "Random Article" button to see what new and interesting and useless facts I might be able to find. I'd like to share some of my recent discoveries with you today.


1)  Naura is a town in the Nawanshahr district of Punjab, India. The word "Naura" derives from the ancient Persian words "Nau" and "Ra" which means "technologically advanced" (though the picture below would probably belie that meaning). In 2001, the population of Naura was 3,331.

Downtown Naura

2)  Pat Listach is a former Major League Baseball shortstop, minor league manager, and current third base for the Chicago Cubs. Listach's first year in the big leagues -- 1992 -- was also his best. That year, he accumulated a .290 batting average, 168 hits, 19 doubles, 6 triples, 1 homerun, 47 runs batted in, and 54 stolen bases. He was rewarded for his efforts by giving him the National League Rookie of the Year award. Listach played five more relatively uneventful seasons before retiring in 1998.

Pat Listach, looking like he could still play today

3)  Banding Island is an artificial island within Lake Temenggor, Perak, Malaysia. Formerly, Banding was the highest peak in the Temenggor basin of mountains. In 1974, the mountain rivers were dammed up to flush out the communists, resulting in the formation of Lake Temenggor. Peeking out the center of the lake was Mount Banding, which is now Banding Island.

Banding Island

4)  The Sikorsky CH-53K Super Stallion is a large, heavy-lift cargo helicopter currently being developed by Sikorsky Aircraft for the United States Marine Corps. The design features 7,500 shp (5,590 kW) engines, new composite rotor blades, and a wider cabin than previous CH-53 variants. It will be the largest and heaviest helicopter in the U.S. military.

CH-53K Super Stallion -- impressive!

5)  2 Cold Scorpio (born Charles Bernard Scaggs) is an American professional wrestler. Scaggs has competed in Extreme Championship Wrestling, World Championship Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment, and Pro Wrestling Noah. He is currently one of the name stars in Dragon Gate USA, the American offshoot of the popular Japanese promotion Dragon Gate. Apparently, 2 Cold Scorpio also enjoys dressing like a pimp.

2 Cold Scorpio

6)  Gem squash is a variety of summer squash found in the southern and central United States and Mexico. When fully ripe, the gem squash is roughly the size of a softball. The fruit must be boiled or baked in order to render it palatable. When harvested early, the gem squash has more delicate flavor and texture.

Gem squash

7)  The versorium was the first crude electroscope, the first instrument that could detect the presence of static electric charge. It was invented in 1600 by William Gilbert, physician to Queen Elizabeth I. The versorium is a needle constructed out of metal which is allowed to pivot freely on a pedestal. It is similar to a compass needle, but is not magnetized. The needle is attracted to charged bodies brought near it, turning toward the charged object.

Gilbert's versorium

8)  Richard Achilles Ballinger (1858 - 1922) was mayor of Seattle, Washington, from 1904 to 1906 and U.S. Secretary of the Interior from 1909 to 1911 under President William Howard Taft.

Ballinger, looking quite mayoral

9)  Melon Juice (メロンジュース) is a mini-album by Japanese girl group Melon Kinenbi. It was was releases on December 12th, 2007, and peaked at #67 on the Oricon weekly chart. "Charisma - Kirei" was the first single released from the album. The video for that song can be viewed below:

10)  In 1848 in the United States, the following significant events occurred:  then-President James K. Polk attempted (unsuccessfully) to purchase Cuba from the Spanish government for $100 million; James W. Marshall found gold at Sutter's Mill in Coloma, California, setting off the California Gold Rush; the Mexican-American War ended, Mexico ceding to the United States virtually all of what we now call the Southwest; the Washington Monument was established; Wisconsin was admitted to the Union as its 30th state; Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage incredibly survived a three-foot-plus iron rod being driven through his head; and the Associated Press was founded in New York. Other important stuff happened that year, too, but I'm tired of typing.

Phineas Gage and the Rod of Doom

Words I REALLY Wish I Wrote: My Favorite Owl City Lyrics

I'm not ashamed to admit that Owl City (aka Adam Young) is one of my favorite musicians. I could listen to his deceptively simple tunes and oh-so-clever lyrics all day long and not get tired of them. And sometimes I do. (Like today, for instance.)

While it's true that many of Owl City's songs sound similar musically – a criticism often made by his detractors – the songs are all very diverse lyrically. Sometimes you can't tell exactly what he's talking about, and that's okay, because it's so cleverly worded that you just go with it and don't ask too many questions. Most of the time, though, it's pretty clear what he's talking about.

One thing that Owl City is not ashamed to include in his music – even though he's often considered mainstream pop – is frequent references to his Christian faith. The ways in which he incorporates his beliefs into his lyrics are usually subtle, but they're hard to mistake for anything else. Critics also point this out as a reason for not liking his music. I, on the other hand, think it's probably the best thing about his music.

Below are some of my favorite lyrics from Owl City's songs. Hope you'll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy listening to them.

"Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight..."

~ "Hello Seattle"

"I am floating away

Lost in a silent ballet

I'm dreaming you're out in the blue

And I am right beside you

Awake to take in the view.

Late nights and early parades

Still photos and noisy arcades

My darling, we're both on the wing

Look down, and keep on singing!

And we can go anywhere..."

~ "On The Wing"

"Street lights glisten on the boulevard

And cold nights make staying alert so hard.

For heaven's sake, keep me awake

So I won't be caught off guard.

Clearly I am a passerby

But I'll find a place to stay..."

~ "Rainbow Veins"

"(Time together is never quite enough)

When you and I are alone

I've never felt so alone

(What will it take to make or break this hint of love?)

We need time, only time.

(When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?)

If this is what I call home

Why does it feel so alone?

(So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?)

All the time, all the time..."

~ "The Saltwater Room"

"I'm just a show, as far as I can tell..."

~ "Air Traffic"

"I regarded the world as such a sad sight

Until I viewed it in black and white.

Then I reviewed every frame and basic shape

And sealed the exits with caution tape.

Don't refocus your eyes in the darkness

And don't remember this place unless

I describe all the things that you cannot see.

And we'll unravel the mystery..."

~ "Dear Vienna"

"When you wake up on your own

Look around you, 'cause you're not alone.

Let your hopes go and they'll survive

'Cause this is the future, and you are alive.

You're headed home..."

~ "This Is The Future"

"If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining

Because I've heard it said

That every mushroom cloud has a silver lining

Though I'm always under mining, too deep to know..."

~ "Cave In"

"I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy

When cold integrity keeps me wide awake..."

~ "Cave In"

"I'll keep my helmet on

Just in case my head caves in

'Cause if my thoughts collapse

Or my framework snaps

It'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe.

Tie my handlebars to the stars

So I stay on track.

And if my intentions stray

I'll wrench them away

Then I'll take my leave

And I won't even look back..."

~ "Cave In"

"Home will always be here

Unseen, out of sight

Where I disappear and hide.

I think dreamy things

As I'm waving goodbye

So I'll spread out my wings

And fly..."

~ "Umbrella Beach"

"I'd rather pick flowers instead of fights..."

~ "Dental Care"

"I've been to the dentist a thousand times, so I know the drill..."

~ "Dental Care"

"When hygienists leave on long vacations

That's when dentists scream and

Lose their patience (patients)..."

~ "Dental Care"

"Talking only brings the toothaches on

Because I say the stupidest things.

So if my resolve goes south

I'll swallow my pride with an aspirin

And shut my mouth..."

~ "Dental Care"

"I can finally see

That You're right there beside me.

I am not my own

For I have been made new.

Please don't let me go

I desperately need You..."

~ "Meteor Shower"

"I'd like to make myself believe

That planet Earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep.

'Cause everything is never as it seems..."

~ "Fireflies"

"If speed's a pro, inertia must be a con

'Cuz the cold wind blows at precise rates

When I've got my ice skates on..."

~ "The Tip Of The Iceberg"

"I'll travel the sub-zero tundra

I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg –

I'll do whatever it takes

To change..."

~ "The Tip Of The Iceberg"

"The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you.

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly

But I'll miss your arms around me.

I'll send a postcard to you, dear

'Cause I wish you were here..."

~ "Vanilla Twilight"

"I'll watch the night turn light blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly.

The silence isn't so bad

Till I look at my hands and feel sad

'Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly..."

~ "Vanilla Twilight"

"I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days

'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist-deep in thought, because

When I think of you, I don't feel so alone..."

~ "Vanilla Twilight"

"As many times as I blink

I'll think of you tonight..."

~ "Vanilla Twilight"

"When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.

And I'll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won't forget you.

Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear:

'Oh, darling, I wish you were here'..."

~ "Vanilla Twilight"

"I wish I could cross my arms

And cross your mind

'Cause I believe

You'd unfold your paper heart

And wear it on your sleeve.

All my life I wish I broke mirrors

Instead of promises

'Cause all I see

Is a shattered conscience

Staring right back at me..."

~ "Tidal Wave"

"Lift your arms, only Heaven knows

Where the danger grows

And it's safe to say

There's a bright light up ahead

And help is on the way..."

~ "Tidal Wave"

"I forget the last time I felt brave

(I just recall insecurity)

'Cause it came down like a tidal wave

(And sorrow swept over me)

Then I was given grace and love

(I was blind, but now I can see)

'Cause I found a new hope from above

And courage swept over me..."

~ "Tidal Wave"

"It hurts just to wake up

Whenever you're wearing thin

Alone on the outside

So tired of looking in.

The end is uncertain

And I've never been so afraid.

But I don't need a telescope

To see that there's hope

And that makes me feel brave..."

~ "Tidal Wave"

"Reality is a lovely place

But I wouldn't want to live there..."

~ "The Real World"

"It's suffocating to say

But the female mystique takes my breath away

So give me a smile or give me a sneer

'Cause I'm trying to guess here..."

~ "Deer In The Headlights"

"Living close to the ground

Is seventh heaven

'Cause there are angels all around.

Among my frivolous thoughts

I believe there are beautiful things

Seen by the astronauts.

The indications revealed

That few of us realize life is quite surreal.

So if you're dying to see

I guarantee there are angels

Around your vicinity..."

~ "Angels"

"I keep my knees black and blue

Because they often hit the hardwood floor.

And I believe, so I'm not

Praying to the ceiling anymore..."

~ "Angels"

"Don't remind me

That some days I'm a windshield

And other days I'm just a lucky bug..."

~ "Honey And The Bee"

"My captain on the snowy horse

He's coming back to take me home.

He'll find me fighting back the terrible thwarts

'Cause I'm not afraid to die alone..."

~ "Kamikaze"

"Dear God, I was terribly lost

When the galaxies crossed and the sun went dark.

Dear God, You're the only North Star

I would follow this far..."

~ "Galaxies"

"Oh, telescope, keep an eye on my only hope

Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road

Hercules, you've got nothing to say to me

'Cause you're not the blinding light that I need.

For He is the saving grace of the galaxies..."

~ "Galaxies"

"A high-speed collision gave a new sense of sight to me

And now my vision can render the scene –

A blurry image of wreckage and roadside debris.

Happiness returned to me through a grave emergency..."

~ "Hospital Flowers"

"The curtains decayed – the daylight poured in

I was never afraid of the darkness again.

My burns were third-degree – but I'd been set free

'Cause grace had finally found its way to me..."

~ "Hospital Flowers"

"I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest.

The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time.

Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus.

If I were to pluck on your heartstrings

Would you strum on mine?"

~ "Plant Life"

Googling Myself

Bored and in need of cheap entertainment, I decided to Google myself. For the uninitiated, this is not something dirty. Googling yourself just means looking up your name on the Internet to see what you can find out about yourself or other people who share your name.


Here's what I found out...


1)  I am not an NFL wide receiver for the Denver Broncos (and thereby future target for future Hall of Famer, Peyton Manning). This guy is...

Jason Hill, wide receiver

I know this to be true, because me and this guy look nothing alike. Also, I was not born in San Francisco, California; I was born in Greenville, North Carolina. And I am 34 years old, not 27. So this can't be me.



2)  I am not the designer of a revolutionary electric and plug-in hybrid/electric vehicle called the Aptera. This guy is...

Jason Hill and his Aptera

I have to admire the space-age technology and design of this eco-friendly vehicle, but I can only admire it. I can't be proud of it, because I didn't design it. And I can't get one, because I couldn't afford it. Nope, this guy is definitely not me.



3)  Though I am redheaded and have visited Minnesota, I am not an assistant professor in Bioproducts and Biosystems Engineering at the University of Minnesota. This guy is...

Jason Hill, with some plants

Truthfully, I don't know the first thing about Bioproducts, or Biosystems, or even Engineering for that matter. And I didn't get my undergraduate degree in Biology at Harvard College, either. So this is most likely not me, either.



4)  I am not the host of Chef Tips, one of YouTube's most popular cooking shows. This guy is...

Chef Jason Hill, food know-it-all

It's all I can do to whip up a batch of spaghetti, an occasional Hamburger Helper, and maybe – on a good day – a sautéed chicken entree. Giving cooking tips on an online cooking show? Nope, not me.



5)  I am not a photographer and English teacher in Japan. This guy is...

Jason Hill, photographer

Although I do occasionally like to look up and to the left for no apparent reason, I am only an amateur photographer. And the closest I've ever gotten to teaching English is yelling at my Kindle to an author who can't hear me upon encountering a plethora of unconscionable grammatical and spelling errors. Also, I've never even visited Japan. So this can't be me, either.



6)  I am not now – nor was I ever – the lead singer and guitarist for a (now-defunct) rock band called Louis XIV. This guy is/was...

Jason Hill (2nd from left) with members of Louis XIV

While I do play the guitar a little bit and enjoy singing, I do not now – nor did I ever – live in Paris, France, where this band originally formed. Nor would I ever give any album I produced the inane title of Slick Dogs And Ponies. So, I'm pretty sure that this is also not me.



7)  I am not the Associate Professor and Director of the Teaching Practicum at DePaul University. This guy is...

Jason Hill: ethicist, philosopher, and theorist

I was not educated at Purdue University; it was East Carolina University for me. My areas of specialization are not ethics, social and political philosophy, or race theory. And while I am putting the finishing touches on two books currently, they are not titled The Cosmopolitan Social Contract or A Dictatorship Of Virtue: Global Norms In A Multicultural World. So, I will have to keep looking for myself, because this is certainly not me either.



8)  I am not a film and television actor whose resume includes guest spots on series such as Breaking Bad, Into The West, and The Witching Hour. This guy is...

Jason Hill, working actor

While I am a bit of an amateur actor (mostly at church and once in community theater), I have never appeared in any film or television show. Mostly, this is because no one would want me to. I am not photogenic. So this person also cannot be me.



9)  I am not a PGA golfer and winner of the 2001 Steamtown Classic. This guy is...

Jason Hill, still gloating about that one win 11 years ago

For one, I don't even like golf. I don't like to watch it, and the one time I played it, I also didn't find it to be much fun. Besides that, I don't know where Steamtown is, or what makes it "classic." So I can only conclude that this fellow is also not me.



10)  I am a blogger and advertising copy writer/editor. I do have red hair and a beard. This guy....

Jason Hill, blogger

...could quite possibly be me. Let's see, what does it say about him? "I'm not who I am. I'm not who I seem." Hmm, maybe I've made a mistake. "I'm somebody else." Yes, I've definitely made a mistake. Reading on... "Who am I really?" Huh, even he doesn't know who he is. Well, I guess I'll keep looking....

I'm Feeling Weird Today – Don't Say I Didn't Warn You...

I didn't sleep very well last night. We went to bed around 8:30, while it was still partially light outside. I wasn't sleepy, but my wife was, and the couch isn't comfy enough for casual napping.

Mary was in and out of sleep while I read till about 12:30. I finished reading three short books on my Kindle. One was really interesting, one was pretty awful, and the other one was just okay. I barely made a dent in the other 9 books I'm reading right now. (Yes, 9 at a time. Do I have A.D.D.?)

Also, we had a midnight snack – literally, we ate some crackers at midnight. Mary also had a small bowl of cereal (Honey Nut Cheerios). I didn't feel like cereal.

When I finally got to sleep, I dreamed about calling the Chrysler dealership to get my van worked on. I don't normally take it there. A guy I know at my church who has his own shop is much more reasonable and trustworthy, so I usually just take it there.

Anyway, in the dream I'm telling the guy at Chrysler all the things that might need to be fixed and that a general overall checkup of the van would probably also be a good idea.

While making this call, I'm sitting on the curb at the intersection of Greenville Boulevard and Memorial Drive (for you out-of-towners, I'm talking about Greenville here).

As the guy on the phone gives me estimates on each thing to be repaired, I'm writing down the prices in chalk on the road (the Memorial Drive side, if you must know).

The guy tells me it's going to be approximately $1,546 to fix everything. I don't know how he comes to this figure exactly, but it's exorbitant in my opinion.

I write the number down in chalk just as a gray-and-black Chevy comes around the corner – it kind of looks like an unmarked Highway Patrol car. I have to quickly scurry out of the way to avoid getting hit by the Chevy.

I drop my chalk in the process, which promptly gets crushed under the Chevy's speeding tires.

At this point, I wake up. I'm confused, and a little nervous. After all, I've just been nearly hit by a car in my sleep. This is traumatic.

Apparently, I've been slobbering on my pillow. That's kind of gross.

A few snooze-button smacks later, and we're up and at 'em. (What does that phrase mean exactly? Up and at who? Or should I say "whom"?)

I check my morning websites. Facebook to see if I have any notifications worth noting, and to catch up on my moves in the many Words With Friends games I'm playing. I check this blog to see how many people aren't reading it. Amazon.com – both the MP3 and Kindle stores. ESPN.com for baseball scores and a quick glance at the NBA scores, which I sort of care about but mostly don't. Smashwords and Feedbooks for any new, interesting e-books that were released during my sleep. Gmail – to see if I have any emails. (I don't.)

While I'm doing all that, I'm also watching the two episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show that I DVR'd yesterday. I haven't seen these shows in years. They're still funny some fifty years after they originally aired.

I'm also brewing a pot of coffee. Starbucks brand, not because I have to have "the best." Because it was on sale last week. It smells kind of awful in the bag, but once I brew it and add a little Peppermint Mocha creamer and three Splendas, it tastes just fine.

Slowly I wake up. Time to start the day in earnest, which means a shower. I can get by without shaving for one day. No, I can't. So I do, and I'm well on my way to being late for work yet again.

Vaguely, I wonder if the $1,546 included the oil change, or if that was going to be extra. And also, if that really was an unmarked Highway Patrol car, who would I call if I got hit by it? Would he have stopped?

It strikes me that I haven't had any collards lately. Mary isn't going to be cooking up a batch of them anytime soon – just the smell of collards makes her nauseated. Cabbage too. I might have to make a little trip to Bum's in Ayden soon. Good stuff, that.

I don't know my lines for the VBS play, and Howard and I are practicing tonight. 65 lines in 4 weeks is pretty challenging. I have to be energetic.

This just hits me now – I have to be energetic at practice tonight. I have had far too little caffeine to be energetic in just a few hours.

I'll be right back...

"Frat Boys", "Alexis' Exes", And "Under My Skin": Three Unusual Drabbles

If you're reading this, thanks! I'll keep it brief, I promise. I know not everyone who reads this blog likes to or chooses to read my fiction, even when I'm posting über-short pieces like these drabbles. But I would like to sincerely thank you, dear Reader, for clicking on the link and lending me the minute or two of your time that it will take to read these. I hope you'll find that it was worth the effort. ~ JPH

"FRAT BOYS"

Don’t you just love living in a college town where you can’t take ten steps in any direction without running into one of those stereotypical frat boys with their ridiculously thick, sprayed-to-helmet-hardness hair, long-sleeve button-down shirts (crisp white, of course), plaid twill shorts, and periwinkle boat shoes, driving their cherry-red sports cars, living to drink and drinking to live while barely paying their rent (thanks to Mom and Dad), and spouting off inane phrases like, "I feel ya, Bro!" in response to any and everything said to them? Yeah, college towns are the best.

"ALEXIS' EXES"

Will said I was too skinny. Eddy didn’t like my shoes. Roscoe got transferred out of state. Eli went to the restroom after dinner and never returned. Petie and I stopped going out after he barfed in my popcorn. Rob said I was too chubby. Elliott didn’t like my driver’s license photo. Gus found out I was Protestant and stopped calling. Nick said he wanted to see other people – after I asked him out for the first time! Andy just wanted to be friends. Nate broke up with me in a text. Tim got arrested. It’s been a rough year....

"UNDER MY SKIN"

An alarmingly long centipede just crawled out of a hole in my leg. I don’t know what it was doing in there or how long it was underneath my skin, but I am seriously creeped out right now. Surprisingly, I never felt anything unusual – neither from the burrowing centipede nor the inexplicable hole in my leg (scarcely larger than the point of a pencil). I’m not in pain or bleeding, which at least is something. When I squash the centipede, a viscous greenish-yellowish-reddish fluid gushes out. Serves him right. I’m not a fan of this situation at all.

8 Things To Do When You're Angry (To Avoid Staying That Way)

If you're like me – which I hope you're not – you're sometimes prone to sudden outbursts of anger.

Maybe it's when you're sitting in traffic, going absolutely nowhere for the foreseeable future, and you have lost what tiny shred of patience you once possessed.

Maybe it's during class – if you're a teacher or a student – and someone in the room is being particularly talkative, annoying, or smelly – and you can no longer restrain your ire.

Maybe your husband or your wife isn't listening to you, and you have to keep repeating yourself time after time after time, and you've had it up to HERE (you can't see my hand right now, but it is hovering at a level roughly three inches above the top of my head).

Maybe your boss or your coworker is being a jerk, and you've tried to be understanding, tried to be a responsible adult, tried to understand that "people will be people" and there's nothing you can do about it. But enough's enough, and something's got to give, and all those other tired clichés, and before you know it, you're flying off the handle.

Whatever your situation, let's say you can't take it anymore and you're about to erupt – or you may have already erupted – into a fit of uncontrollable rage.

For times like these, I offer this simple list of things you can try to potentially assuage your own anger and help you regain your composure so that you don't make a fool of yourself, hurt someone else, or raise your blood pressure to a dangerously high level.


WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY....



1)  Take a deep breath, shut your eyes tightly, and then try to list the names of the Seven Dwarfs.  If you are a perfectionist, and cannot stand to start something that you can't finish, and you know that you don't know the names of all the Seven Dwarfs, then you might not want to try this, as doing so may make you frustrated, thereby increasing your anger.


2)  Clasp your hands together tightly, tap your right foot quickly (or your left foot if you are left-handed), and imagine that you are on a deserted island in the middle of the South Pacific.  As you envision the crystal-blue water lapping at the white sand at your feet, it is impossible to remain angry at whatever it is that you're angry about. If you are someone who has a fear of abandonment, you may not want to try this particular scenario, as you may realize that on a deserted island far away from civilization you have, in essence, been abandoned not only by your friends and family, but indeed by all humanity – a thought which may trigger your feelings of abandonment and thereby increase your level of anger.


3)  Force yourself to smile, look up at the ceiling, and start singing "100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" as loud as you possibly can.  If you – like myself – do not drink beer or, indeed, any kind of alcohol – you may want to substitute your beverage of choice (as well as its appropriate container) in the chorus of the song. For instance, "100 Mugs of Skinny Decaf Caramel Macchiatos On The Wall." However, if you lack patience, and this factors in as a primary cause for your anger, you may not want to attempt this method, as it does take quite a while to complete the song, and you may become exasperated and wish to injure yourself or others in fits of unbridled rage as a result of your impatience.


4)  Run to the nearest bathroom, select your favorite bottle of shampoo, and count the number of times the letter "P" is used on the bottle's labeling.  Be sure to include the number of times the letter is used in the ingredients (usually, quite a lot of chemicals start with or contain the letter "P") as well as in the copyright and bottling location information. Once you have determined the total number of "P"'s, divide the number by 2 and adopt whatever number you come up with as your new favorite number. If you happen to find yourself in a car or the workplace when the sudden burst of anger overtakes you, you might want to grab the nearest vehicle operation manual or employee handbook, respectively, and count the "P"'s. The point of this exercise is, of course, that in the time that it has taken to tally up all the "P"'s you have not only forgotten what you were angry about in the first place, but you have also gained a new favorite number.


5)  Hum through one verse of your favorite pop song while clapping your hands to the beat inside your head, then write down all the words you can think of that rhyme with "walrus."  Don't just go with the obvious choices, such as "bus," "cuss," and "pus" – try to come up with some clever near-rhymes as well, such as "all of us," "bald wuss," and "all flushed," to name just a few. "Walrus" being such an absurd and happy word as it is, and the majority of its rhyming words being equally cheery (with the possible exception of "pus") will quickly lighten your mood and better enable you to deal with whatever it is that's driving you to become so outraged.


6)  Google to find a picture of your least favorite President (mine is Franklin Pierce), print it out, pin it to your wall (whether at home, the office, or wherever), and throw darts at it.  Give yourself ten points for each hit in (or in the general vicinity of) the eyes; five points for a hit to the heart (since no one seems to agree on exactly where the heart is located in the chest, this is a broader target range); and one point for any other hit on the torso, limbs, or extremities. By performing this simple exercise, you will redirect your anger to an entirely different entity, one perhaps more worthy of your aggression, and thereby calm yourself to the point where you can continue on with your day. If your least favorite President just happens to be the source of your current fit of rage, you may want to substitute his picture with a printed picture of your least favorite Teletubby instead.


7)  Roll up your sleeves, click your tongue against your teeth seventeen times, and begin making flatulent noises with your armpits.  If you are a lady and find this type of behavior to be unbefitting your nature or character, consult the nearest guy and ask him to perform this most unique type of "music" with his armpits in your presence. No matter what your level of sophistication or propriety may be, you will quickly find that you are unable to restrain yourself from laughing at the absurd juvenility of it all. While you are guffawing and quite possibly turning beet-red from the neck up, you will simultaneously be losing all recollection of your recent fit of rage, as well as whatever it was that triggered your anger in the first place.


8)  Crawl inside the trunk of your car, shut yourself in, and scream for help at the top of your lungs.  If you think you will not be rescued within a reasonable amount of time, you might want to pack a small lunch and plenty of drinking water to soothe your aching throat after screaming for so long. The stress and panic that you have created for yourself will override any anger that you felt toward yourself, another person, or a certain situation. Once you are rescued from your car, the exhilaration and relief you will feel will further obliterate any feelings of rage that may have been consuming you. You may even be interviewed by a local TV station for your courage and bravery to survive such a harrowing ordeal. This type of attention may result in a significant boost of your self-esteem level, possibly preventing further outbursts of anger which may have arisen from an irrational self-hatred that you didn't even know you'd been struggling with.


These methods are neither time-tested nor foolproof – they're simply things to try, to see if they work for you. Some of them have worked for me in the past. Some of them I just thought of today, and I plan to try the next time I get crazy-angry. Maybe they'll work for you, and maybe they won't. But at least I've given you something to think about, and perhaps that's enough.