Things I Find Fascinating: Funny School Signs And Science Fair Projects

In honor of (or in spite of) school starting back soon for teachers and students, I present this just-for-fun collection of school-related humor. As far as I know, all of these are real. I gathered them from various places on the web. Hope you enjoy!

P.S. Don't take a big gulp of water or any other beverage while reading this -- you might end up spitting it all over your computer, tablet, or cell phone (or whatever device you're reading this on). Enjoy!


1)  STUFF YOU MIGHT SEE FROM THE PARKING LOT:

I worry that something is missing here...

Hey, isn't that why we pay our taxes, so the teachers can do it for us?

I'm not sending my kid to this school.

You wanna try that again?

Now that's just cruel!

I've heard of teaching kids a trade, but this is ridiculous!

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Stay in "SCHOOL," or you'll end up being the guy who was responsible for this embarrassment.

2)  SCHOOL NAMES THAT THEY SHOULD CONSIDER RENAMING:

Moron University. This does not instill confidence...

They're taking higher learning to a whole 'nother level!

This was the name that won. "Wuss Boy" was the runner-up.

I'm guessing that this school has been the -- well, butt -- of lots of jokes.

Why? Just why?

3)  BAD IDEAS FOR SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS:

I don't even want to know his conclusion. This just makes me mad!

Oh, dear me, this is not going to end well for anyone!

She wanted to do "How Do You Make Orientals?", but they said that would be racist.

Oh, that's just awful!

The better question might be: "Why does Mommy keep baking cakes?"

Get 'em while they're juicy! This guy's sure excited about 'em!

I bet they smell like juicy beans...

And while we've got our minds in the toilet...

One more for old time's sake!

This is how Ted Bundy got started, ya know?

Words I Wish I Wrote: The Wit, Wisdom, And Weirdness Of Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra

Besides having an oddball name (though his real first name is Lawrence), former Major League Baseball catcher Yogi Berra has a, shall we say, unique way of looking at the world. Berra is probably the most quotable character that the game of baseball (and probably any sport) has ever known.

You might have heard all of these quotes before. Maybe only some of them. Perhaps none of them. (Where have you been?) Whatever your experience or exposure to the twisted imaginings of Mr. Berra, I'm sure you'll find something to laugh at here. If not, you may want to check your pulse.

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"Baseball is ninety percent mental,
and the other half is physical."

"Always go to other people's funerals,
otherwise they won't come to yours."

"I just want to thank everyone
who made this day necessary."

"I'm not going to buy my kids
an encyclopedia. Let them
walk to school like I did."

"If the world was perfect,
it wouldn't be."

"If you come to a fork
in the road, take it."

"If you don't know where you're going,
you might end up someplace else."

"In theory, there is no difference between
theory and practice. In practice, there is."

"The future ain't what it used to be."

"So I'm ugly. So what? I never
saw anyone hit with his face."

"Nobody goes there anymore.
It's too crowded."

"It's like déja vu, all over again."

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I never said most of the things I said."

It's A...Mystery

I can already see this is going to be a stubborn kid.

Despite the persistent urgings of his/her mother and father, Baby Hill refused to cooperate during the ultrasound this morning.

Well, let me rephrase that. He/she did cooperate well enough for the ultrasound technician to see that he/she has a healthy brain, spine, kidneys, lungs, and four working, wiggling limbs.

But he/she was lying face-down toward Mary's spine, and he/she wouldn't turn over so we could see his/her face.

We could see his/her heart just a-pumping away, but the ultrasound tech couldn't see all four chambers of the heart at the same time, which she has to be able to do to confirm that everything is working normally.

And thanks to an inconveniently located umbilical cord (situated squarely between his/her legs), we couldn't see his/her private parts, either.

Thanks a lot, kiddo.

At one point, the ultrasound tech thought she could see the faintest evidence of "girl parts" (reproductive organs) in the lower abdomen, but she added, and I quote, "You came in here at 50/50, and now you might be at 60/40 [in favor of a] girl, but even at that, I can't be sure."

And so we wait. Another six weeks. Six weeks!

The optimal time for them to see the heart the way they need to see it properly is at 24 weeks, thus the next ultrasound six weeks from now. At that time, they'll try again to see what gender he/she is. We're hoping that Baby Hill will cooperate next time.

While we still don't know if the baby is a he or she, what we do know is what matters most. That he/she is healthy as far as they can tell; that his/her heart is beating at 148 beats per minute (perfectly normal); that he/she weighs about 9 ounces (perfectly normal); and that he/she is actively moving around in there, even if Mary can't feel him/her yet.

It's a blessing to know what we do know, and to see what we did see. All the other stuff – seeing his/her face, knowing his/her gender – will have to wait for another day.

Stubborn kid.

Creepy Mustaches

There are few things in life that are creepier than a guy with a creepy mustache. Epic beards can be creepy, too, but at least they're interesting to look at – and that just adds to their epicness (epicacity? epichood?). But one glimpse at a creepy mustache and you not only want to look away, you want to run away – as fast as possible! Here's a compendium of some of the creepiest mustaches I could find:


1)  The "Trust Me, Your Kids Are Safe With Me" Mustache:  Popular with bus drivers, pedophiles, and pedophile bus drivers.

2)  The Lopsided Starving Artist Mustache:  Popular with starving artists and people who see the world from a different angle.

3)  The "I'm A Chilean Gymnast, What's Your Excuse?" Mustache:  Popular with Chilean gymnasts and horsemen in the Andes.

4)  The "Pathetic Excuse For A Mustache" Mustache:  Popular with basketball player Adam Morrison and other wannabes.

5)  The "I Grow This 'Stache To Distract Your Attention From My Overwhelming Ugliness" Mustache:  Popular with overwhelmingly ugly people.

6)  The Snake Oil Salesman Pencil Mustache:  Popular with film director John Waters. And no one else. Hopefully.

7)  The "Does This Hat Make Me Look Stupid, Or Is It Just My Mustache?" Mustache:  Popular with this unpopular guy.

8)  The Redheaded Viking Handlebar Mustache:  Popular with redheads, Vikings, bikers, and this guy.

9)  The "I Wish I Was Hitler" Mustache:  Popular with neo-Nazis, anarchists, and amateur bomb makers.

10)  The "Holy Smokes, I AM Hitler!" Mustache:  Popular with Adolf Hitler, may he rest in pieces.

11)  The "Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Was Hot Like Me?" Mustache:  Popular with creepy-looking guys who think they're hot. And who have never looked in a mirror to confirm their suspicions.

12)  The Rollie Fingers Curlicue Mustache:  Popular with Rollie Fingers and German clockmakers.

18 Weird Quotes About Fruit

1)  "A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit, and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?"  ~  Albert Einstein

2)  "My family would be supportive if I said I wanted to be a Martian, wear only banana skins, make love to ashtrays, and eat tree bark."  ~  Casey Affleck

3)  "I'll squeeze the cider out of your Adam's apple."  ~  Moe Howard

4)  "Come over here and sit on my knee and finish your orange juice."  ~  Sonny Liston

5)  "Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."  ~  Erma Bombeck

6)  "My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"  ~  Demetri Martin

7)  "Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away."  ~  Ricky Gervais

8)  "I am a grateful grapefruit."  ~  Bjork

9)  "If you want to know the taste of a pear, you must change the pear by eating it yourself."  ~  Mao Zedong

10)  "One does a whole painting for one peach and people think just the opposite – that particular peach is but a detail."  ~  Pablo Picasso

11)  "What is more mortifying than to feel that you have missed the plum for want of courage to shake the tree?"  ~  Logan P. Smith

12)  "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so...yeah.'"  ~  Mitch Hedberg

13)  "I doubt that the imagination can be suppressed. If you truly eradicated it in a child, he would grow up to be an eggplant."  ~  Ursula K. LeGuin

14)  "What is a kiss? Why this, as some approve: The sure, sweet, cement, glue, and lime of love."  ~  Robert Herrick

15)  "Success to me is having ten honeydew melons and eating only the top half of each slice."  ~  Barbra Streisand

16)  "I thought it was ridiculous to have two undercover policemen driving around in a striped tomato."  ~  Paul M. Glaser

17)  "One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste."  ~  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

18)  "If there are occasions when my grape turned into a raisin and my joy bell lost its resonance, please forgive me. Charge it to my head and not to my heart."  ~  Jesse Jackson

Poems For Your Perusal: A Half-Stack Of Alpha Poetry, Mostly Olympics-Inpsired

As good as it gets
Is not good enough.
Had your nose to the plow
But were not up to snuff.
Try harder.


Better luck last time –
This was a disaster.
You wanted to win
But you simply weren't faster.


Crash and burn
You live, you learn.
Next time you'll know
Which way to go.
Hindsight's a beast.


Do what you know
Fight like you want to win.
Know what to do
And then begin again.
This is persistence.


Each time you strike
Do with with purpose
In it to win it
Or else it's worthless.
Don't have a heart –
Sure, they deserve this!
They weren't the fittest –
They just scratched the surface.


Find what you're good at
Make it a habit.
Dangle a carrot
Reach out and grab it.
If you can't grasp it
Stretch till you can.
Eat with your heart out
Not with your hand.


Guesswork at best
But you stand by your logic.
I think it's bogus
But you think you've got it.
Go with your gut, I say
It's never been wrong.
That may be, but you say
That it won't be long.


Hope you get
What you require
All the gold
And ample fire.
But think of this
As gold you melt –
It's just as easy
To melt yourself.


It's a most wonderful time
For being a storm.
Everyone fears you
This is the norm.
Some throw a party
You're their guest of honor.
Others throw hands up
And assume they're a goner.
You come through, blustery
Causing your chaos
And, just as quick, leave
And say that it's their loss.


Just do your best
That's all we ask.
We may not be
Up to the task.
But we expect
You not to crack.
Just give your all
We've got your back.


Kindness has no place
In this competition.
It's all about winning
That's your ambition.
Do what you came to do
Don't give up anything!
(Sadly, this mindset
Crosses over to many things.)


Light a fire
Beneath yourself.
Keep it burning
Till no one else
But you can hold
The cherished prize
And never let them
See your eyes.
(For that would unveil
Your disguise.)


Many try, but often fail.
Many want, but do not act.
The former harbor no regrets.
The latter'd like to have that back.
Pity it doesn't work that way –
Here tomorrow, gone today.