Words And Phrases I Use All The Time Now That I Rarely Ever Did Two Weeks Ago

It's official. I'm learning a new language. Whether you call it Babyese, Parentese, Infantic, or whatever else, I now speak and understand this language quite fluently. If you're a parent, you'll understand. If you aren't, brush up on the vocabulary in advance. You'll need to know these things later. Some are common words, but not ones I ever spoke on a regular basis. Others are words or phrases that are chiefly spoken by parents of babies and can generally only be understood by other (current or former) parents of babies. Here's a smattering of words and phrases from this unique language. All baby pictures included herein are of our son, Josiah....


1)  Seedy Poop:  I never thought I'd not mind changing a diaper, and yet I really don't. Maybe it's because it's my child's diaper, I don't know. Looking at the contents of the diaper and analyzing the color of the poop, however, is still not something I enjoy an awful lot.

2)  Farting:  I marvel constantly at the frequency and the power with which my 10-lb. baby can expel flatulence. Put simply, he farts like a grown man!

3)  Burping:  The kid hasn't mastered the fine art of burping that much so far. But he burps just enough for us not to worry. And when he's sitting up to be burped, his meaty jowls flare out to ridiculous proportions. In other words, it's adorable.

4)  Snorking:  Okay, so this is probably a made-up word, but we use it all the time, so I'm calling it official. "Snorking" is the oink-like snorting that my boy makes when he's overly excited, frustrated, or suddenly hungry.

5)  Snorker:  Okay, so it's another made-up word. Big deal! A "snorker" in our house is what most people call a nasal aspirator, or perhaps a bulb syringe. Sometimes Baby Boy gets a snootful of milk and starts spitting it up through his nose. At times like that, we sit him upright as quickly as possible and insert the snorker into the affected nostril (usually it's both) and snork out the snotty milk.

6)  Diapers:  This one's obvious. I have changed a lot of diapers in the last eleven days. I have given the kid "plumber's butt" on at least one occasion and been pooped on while changing a diaper once. But otherwise, the diaper changing process has been a lot smoother than I would have ever imagined.

7)  Onesie:  This one-piece shirt/briefs combo is a popular apparel choice for infants of all shapes and sizes. Including our hoss of a young'un. Designed for easy diaper changing, the onesie is a versatile piece for your growing youngster.

8)  Boppy:  We got our Boppy (a C-shaped body pillow, of sorts) to support the baby's body while Mary's breastfeeding. While it hasn't worked out so well in that respect, it makes a great seat for Boyface, nestling him comfortably for leisurely lounging, especially at the sunny end of the couch.

9)  Latching:  Sometimes getting the kid started "eating" (which is technically drinking, but I digress...) is the hardest part. He's quite the wiggle monster, flailing his little arms back and forth with wild abandon. Once he latches on, he eats just fine. Getting Mary comfortable while Baby is comfortable is another story, but for now the fact that the kid ain't starving is comfort enough. But we're working on figuring the rest of it out, too.

10)  Swaddling:  Also known as "Baby Burrito," swaddling is one of the quickest ways to calm down a fussy baby. In theory. But lots of babies, ours included, are veritable Houdinis at escaping the cozy confines of a good old-fashioned swaddling, and often seek to renew their active pursuits with arms and/or legs free to flail about at will. Our kid prefers to have his arms unbound and is able to free them in approximately fifteen seconds flat. But it usually calms him down nonetheless. Usually.

Surprisingly Good Songs By Indie Bands With Slightly Ridiculous Names, Vol. 2

Here's another batch of surprisingly good songs by indie bands with slightly ridiculous names. I prepared this one pre-baby. Enjoy!

1)  Danielle Ate The Sandwich  ~  "Faith In A Man"  (Nice tune, great vocals)

2)  The Dad Horse Experience  ~  "Kingdom It Will Come"  (Quirky, but not at all unpleasant)

 

3)  Dinosaur Feathers  ~  "Untrue"  (Okay, so it's hipster music, but at least it's good hipster music)

 

4)  Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now!  ~  "G.I.R.L.F.R.E.N. (You Know I've Got A)"  (So what if they can't spell correctly...it's still an amusing song!)

5)  Fake Problems  ~  "Soulless"  (Strange video, but what a catchy song)

6)  Ha Ha Tonka  ~  "Usual Suspects"  (Very nice!)

7)  Halloween, Alaska  ~  "You Are Not Well"  (This one just keeps building and building into a quiet storm...well done!)

8)  Hiss Golden Messenger  ~  "Red Rose Nantahala"  (Have to give props to a fellow North Carolinian, especially one with talent)

9)  Hurray For The Riff Raff  ~  "Look Out Mama"  (A hauntingly beautiful folk tune...a fiddler in skull makeup...AND yodeling? yes, please!)

10)  The History Of Apple Pie  ~  "Mallory"  (What a delightful, grungy pop/rock confection!)

11)  Joan As Police Woman  ~  "Chemmie"  (This lady makes some weird videos, but she's got a powerhouse voice, very retro, a la Adele...good stuff!)

12)  The Ladybug Transistor  ~  "Always On The Telephone"  (This sounds like really obscure but really good '80s music...in other words, I like it!)

13)  Let's Buy Happiness  ~  "Fast Fast"  (Quirky indie pop with female vocals isn't to everybody's liking, but it suits me just fine. Sing it again – fast, fast!)

14)  Maps & Atlases  ~  "Solid Ground"  (This guy's unique voice really seals the deal for this band – good stuff!)

15)  My Gold Mask  ~  "Violet Eyes"  (This nouveau psychedelic rock sound is clearly an homage to classic groups from the '60s and '70s, like Jefferson Airplane...trippy but cool!)

Story #4: "Guys Like Guy"

Here's a brand-new story I just wrote. No theme. No series. Just a story. I've been the "Morton" in this story at various times in my younger years. And I've known the "Guy." This is fiction, but there is a lot of truth in it, too. Enjoy!

"GUYS LIKE GUY"

Guys like Guy have all the luck. He even started off in life with an advantage. His name may look like a generic term for a person of the male persuasion, but it's not so simple as that. You see, Guy's family is French-Canadian. So his name isn't pronounced like Guy-that-rhymes-with-why. It's pronounced like Gee-that-rhymes-with-bee. And I don't mean Gee like "Gee, thanks!" It's a hard "G" sound, like "garbage" or "Galveston."

My name is Morton. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't require a complicated explanation to pronounce it properly. It's just Morton. Plain and simple. Plain, simple, and boring.

I've always been jealous of Guy. In elementary school, he always had the latest toys. You know, the ones that parents wait in line for for, like, twenty-four hours to get the week before Christmas. His folks had money, so he pretty much got whatever he wanted. But you know what the most annoying thing about Guy was back then? It's that he didn't act in the least bit spoiled. He just went about his life like having everything was the norm and not the exception. He simply didn't know any differently.

I never got anything that I wanted back then. My parents were too lazy to wait in line, and even if they weren't, they didn't have a whole lot of disposable income to blow it on trendy toys that I would just tear up in a day or two in the first place.

In middle school, Guy started filling out in all the right places and quickly became the toughest kid in our grade. He could take on anybody, anytime, and win, no question. But you know what? Guy never even fought anybody. He even used his new-found strength to do stuff like mowing old people's lawns and weeding their gardens. He didn't even get paid for it, either. Guy said he did it out of the kindness of his heart. What good is brawn like that if you don't ever use it to get into trouble?

I'm skinny and weak. I tried lifting a dumbbell one time at school and dropped it on my left leg and broke it in three places. I have to mow our lawn at home. And wash the dishes three nights a week. And clean up my room every night before bed. My parents pay me in compliments.

This year, Guy and I will graduate from high school. Guy is in line to be valedictorian. No one is surprised. He has dated the three prettiest girls in our grade off and on the past two years, and he even went out with the ugliest girl a couple of times this spring. People thought he was crazy for doing it, but Guy just started talking about how beauty is skin-deep and how Josephine was really a sweet person once you got to know her.

I asked Josephine out on a date last month. She said she'd just as soon not. I asked her again a week or two later. She said she'd still just as soon not. I didn't go to our Senior Prom. If I had, I would have been one of just three guys in our entire class who didn't have a date, and everyone's pretty sure those other two guys were secretly going together anyway. And by going together, I mean boyfriends.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm never going to be a guy like Guy. I wish I could say I'm okay with that. I'd like to be able to tell you that I'm comfortable in my own skin, that I'm proud of who I am. But I'm not. Guy is going to live a long and wonderful life, and I am going to exist. This is my life. My name is Morton. Pronounced just like it looks.

Interesting Quotes By Guys Named Rick

BLOGGER'S NOTE:  I prepped this particular blog post a few months ago, but never posted it. There was a reason. Right after I finished putting this one together, I found out that an acquaintance of mine from church, whose name was Rick Walters, had taken a turn for the worst. He'd been hospitalized for the better part of six months at the time, and it seemed that his passing was imminent. Unfortunately, it was. Out of respect for Rick's family, I decided not to post a silly quotes post at that time. It seemed insensitive and unnecessary. Now that some time has passed, I decided to go ahead and post it. I hope Rick's family (if they read this) will understand that no disrespect or flippancy is intended by this post in the least. Rest in peace, Rick.  ~  JH


1)  "We need realism to deal with reality."  ~ Slick Rick, rapper

2)  "You never know God is all you need until God is all you have."  ~  Rick Warren, pastor/author

3)  "There are consequences to letting people live out whatever wants or passions they desire."  ~  Rick Santorum, politician

4)  "History shows you don't know what the future brings."  ~  Rick Wagoner, businessman

5)  "You can't funk and roll ALL the time."  ~  Rick James, musician

6)  "Regardless of how it goes down, life goes on."  ~  Rick Ross, rapper

7)  "I like a lot of bass players. I like a lot of tuba players too."  ~  Rick Danko, musician

8)  "The air we breathe, the water we drink, and the land we inhabit are not only critical elements in the quality of life we enjoy – they are a reflection of the majesty of our Creator."  ~  Rick Perry, politician

9)  "The secret of breaking rules in a way that works is understanding what the rules are in the first place."  ~  Rick Wakeman, musician

10)  "I don't think anyone ever feels acknowledged enough."  ~  Rick Springfield, singer/actor

11)  "I don't believe anyone should ignore all the fires around you and stand pat and not worry about getting singed."  ~  Rick Santelli, TV journalist

12)  "I prefer the rather old and battered, things with character, to the brand new."  ~  Rick Allen, musician

13)  "Here's to democracy. May we get the government we deserve."  ~  Rick Mercer, comedian/TV personality

14)  "Excellence is the unlimited ability to improve the quality of what you have to offer."  ~  Rick Pitino, basketball coach

15)  "What we see is what they're trying to sell us."  ~  Rick Moranis, actor

16)  "I'm trying to make sure that there's comedy as well as sadness. It makes the sadness more memorable."  ~  Rick Moody, novelist

17)  "Wearing a bow tie is a statement. Almost an act of defiance."  ~  Rick Kaplan, TV producer

18)  "I write the story that nobody reads. Someday, I'm going to write it in German to see if anybody notices."  ~  Rick Reilly, sportswriter

19)  "To finish first you must first finish."  ~  Rick Mears, race car driver

20)  "Be fanatically positive and militantly optimistic. If something is not to your liking, change your liking."  ~  Rick Steves, travel author/TV personality

21)  "If my life is going to mean anything, I have to live it myself."  ~  Rick Riordan, novelist

22)  "Every life deserves a certain amount of dignity, no matter how poor or damaged the shell that carries it."  ~  Rick Bragg, writer

Story # 3: "Just My Size"

Here's the third and final short story in my latest mini-series, all of which have borne the title of a popular brand of underclothes. Again, this story has absolutely nothing to do with underwear. I merely stole the title of a well-known brand and wrote a story out of it. Enjoy!

"JUST MY SIZE"

I have a confession to make. I like short women. A lot. The shorter the better.

Mainly, it's because I'm short myself, and short women are just the right size for me to look them in the eyes. That's important to me, I know it's not to everyone.

But it's more than that. A well-proportioned, vertically challenged woman is truly a sight to behold. And I try to behold them as often as possible.

Don't get me wrong. Tall women can also be attractive, in their own way. Some guys can't get enough of legs that just won't quit. But I'm much fonder of legs that never got started.

I was dating this one girl once, and everything was going great. Beautiful girl, great personality, short as can be -- she was the total package. Then one night when I went to pick her up for our date, I noticed that something was different. Dramatically different. Here before me was the girl I knew and liked, standing a head and a half taller than me!

I must have made some mistake. Gone to the wrong house. Confused her with someone else. But one glance downward confirmed my greatest fears. High heels.

I never saw that girl again after that night. I heard she married the lieutenant governor, but I don't know if it's true. He is a head and a half taller than I am, though, so it kind of makes sense.

Tonight I'm going out again, hoping to meet The One. I'll know her when I see her. She'll be the only girl in the room who can look me in the eye. And when she does, I'll flash her a smile and lead with my best line. Something clever like: "It's a small world after all, huh, darling?"

Life's too short to miss out on true happiness. I'm finding my way to my happy ending. Little by little.

Story # 2: "Curvy Kate"

Here's another story in my mini-series of short pieces, all three of which bear the titles of well-known brands of underclothes. Again, this story has nothing to do with underwear. In this case, I simply stole the title of a popular British undergarments website and wrote my own story. Enjoy!

"CURVY KATE"

Kate Saunders filled her bowl with cereal and doused it with a few splashes of nonfat milk. She'd just as soon eat the cereal dry, but milk does a body good and blah blah blah blah. Kate was having a fat day and nothing or no one was likely to get her to feel otherwise.

She'd never been what most would consider overweight, but work had been rough lately, and Kate's regular gym visits had become less...well...regular. So what if she'd put on a few pounds? What was the big deal?

The guys at work still followed her across the room with their eyes. And by the looks of things, they weren't doing so just to ridicule her. But her dates had been happening less and less frequently the past few weeks...

It's just a coincidence. I'm just not meeting the right guys, she thought. No, she shot back, it's because I'm fat. I'm lumpy, frumpy, portly, disgusting, and FAT!

Or curvy?

Fat may not be in vogue, but curvy definitely is. There's the buxom redhead from that TV show about 1960s advertising agencies. She's really curvy. There's that other redhead, the British singer, the one that sings about rolling in the deep. She's curvy, too. Not to mention those air-headed Armenian heiresses.

They're all very curvy. And desirable. And successful. And so am I, thought Kate. She finished her cereal and then poured another bowlful. After all, she had her figure to maintain.

Story # 1: "Victoria's Secret"

If I'm going to actually write 200 stories this year, I'd better get crackin'! This is a super-short story that I wrote a few days ago, prior to the whole having-a-baby and my-entire-life-changing-in-the-process thingie. And no, it's not what it sounds like. This one and the next two stories I'm going to post (I'm thinking about posting each story individually, unlike last year's stories) do, admittedly, all bear titles that mirror some famous brands of underclothes. But the stories themselves have nothing to do with underwear. I just like funnin' with familiar phrases and making them my own. (Probably slightly illegal, but I'm not making any money off these stories. Yet.)  Enjoy!

"VICTORIA'S SECRET"

Victoria had never been good at keeping a secret. Especially someone else's secret. Especially when it was one as juicy as this. But she'd given her word, and that had to count for something. Didn't it?

Otherwise, who could ever trust her again? Karen certainly couldn't. In this day and age, friends like Karen are hard to come by.

But it was a good secret! No, she mustn't tell!

Victoria pondered the consequences of breaking Karen's trust for what seemed like the hundredth time.

The phone rang. The caller ID indicated that it was Vernon, Victoria's brother. If anyone would need to know the secret, it would be Vernon.

The moment of truth had arrived. Victoria answered the phone hastily and skipped the formalities.

"Vernon, your girlfriend Karen's name used to be Kenneth. Goodbye."

She slammed down the phone and instantly cursed herself. The tears flowed soon afterwards.

Things were about to get very awkward.