Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Story # 5: "The Stop"

Brand-new story for y'all today. I wrote this one by fits and starts, not knowing when I started where it was heading. I thought it was going to lean toward horror and it kind of did, but there's a lot of "what-if" in it that sort of makes it more of a psychological thriller. I tried to keep it light and entertaining but also realistically terrifying. I hope it works, and that you'll like reading it as much as I did writing it. Enjoy!



"THE STOP"


It was the week after high school graduation. Me and my BFF Myra were making this huge, epic cross-country road trip from Virginia Beach, Virginia, all the way to Salem, Oregon. Why Salem, you ask? Well, we had to end up somewhere, didn't we?

Anyway, we'd gotten about as far as Lincoln, Nebraska, or just past it – we were actually closer to some podunk little town called Grand Island. Which is a ridiculous name for a town in a landlocked state like Nebraska, if you think about it – but whatever.

Myra had been complaining since the last exits for Lincoln that she had to pee, and I was teasing her about going behind a tree like guys do, but she was pretty grossed out by the idea. Besides, we were in the Great Plains, and there aren't even that many trees around. I guess when you really have to pee, it's harder to take a joke, because she was pretty miffed at me.

Finally, when we got near the tropical haven of Grand Island (yeah, right!), we saw a sign for a rest stop a couple of miles ahead. Myra didn't even say anything, she just pointed at the sign and grunted like some kind of feral child or monkey or something.

I laughed and told her okay, we would pull over at the rest stop. Anyway, I could stand to pee myself. It hadn't been all that long since the last stop, but I had drunk a Big Gulp of Pepsi since then and nature was starting to take its course.

When we got to the rest stop, I pulled into the parking space closest to the entrance to the bathrooms. Before I'd even put the car into park, Myra was out of the car and running toward the bathrooms. I giggled again, despite myself, at the silliness of the situation.

I was still giggling when I turned toward my door to get out of the car. The old man's face was right up close to the window glass, and all I could do was scream. Loudly.

I quickly clicked the automatic door lock button, turned toward the bathroom to see that Myra had already gone inside, and glanced back hesitantly toward the old man. He was still there, and I was still screaming.

Haggard and in need of a shave like twelve days ago, the old man opened his mouth as if to speak and placed his weathered hand against the glass. I screamed even louder, if that was even possible.

And then, the old man curled his lips up into a grimace and he started screaming too. His scream was high-pitched and squeaky, like – well, like a teenage girl's. His shrieking was even shriller than mine, if you can imagine that.

I didn't know what to do. Here I was trapped in my car, with my BFF obliviously peeing twenty yards away, with a crazy old man screaming at me for no reason, and – wouldn't you guess it? – there was nobody else in sight at the rest stop.

This crazy scene went on uninterrupted for a good forty-five seconds or more. Then just like that, he stopped. The old man simply stopped screaming. He dropped his hand from the glass, backed away slowly, straightened his raggedy hobo attire, and started walking away. Without even realizing it at the time, I had stopped screaming too.

Instinct fought with reason in that instant. As much as I wanted to pull the car into reverse and high-tail it out of there, I couldn't bring myself to look away from the man. Besides, my girl Myra was still in the bathroom. I couldn't leave her here.

The old man was probably fifteen steps away by now, and I was still staring intently at him, physically unable to look away. Suddenly, a pounding on the passenger's side window glass broke the silence. For half a second at least. I started screaming again.

I didn't want to look, but I had to look at what was pounding against the glass. Terrified, I scrunched my eyes closed tightly, turned my head toward the window, and slowly reopened my eyes. It was Myra.

She had this incredulous look on her face, and I could hear her through the glass asking what in the world was I hollering about, and why wouldn't I unlock the stupid door for her. I realized I'd stopped screaming again. My left hand fumbled absentmindedly for the automatic door lock. I accidentally locked it again before finally unlocking it. Myra wrenched open the door and plopped down into the seat, still fussing at me for being all weird and junk.

I must not have answered her before, because Myra asked me again what in the world I was screaming about, and so I asked her did she see him. And she said did she see who, and I said the old man. What old man, she wanted to know, and laughed mockingly at me. I turned and pointed in the direction where the old man was walking away.

Except that he wasn't. In fact, he was nowhere in sight. The road nearby was clear of traffic and I could clearly see that the man wasn't walking alongside it. The terrain was flat here, leaving little chance that he could be hiding without my noticing him. He was simply gone.

What had I been smoking, Myra wanted to know, 'cuz it must be some really powerful stuff. I told her to bite me, that there had been an old man and that he'd been screaming at me and pounding on the glass and probably trying to kill me or something. Myra laughed again and said I'd watched too many horror movies last summer, and I was just being paranoid. But I wasn't – the old man was there, or at least he had been.

It was no use trying to convince Myra. She was going to believe what she was going to believe, and that was that. I glanced up in the direction of the bathrooms, remembering that I still had to pee. By now, I had to pee really bad. I looked back in the direction where the old man had come and gone. Surely, there was another rest stop not far up the road. I could wait.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

8 Songs About Sunglasses

This post is the epitome of randomness. Sorry about that. Enjoy it if you want to. Skip it if you prefer. I won't know the difference. I was amazed at how many songs fit into this category, though. Here goes whatever...


1)  Ezra Furman And The Harpoons  ~  "Take Off Your Sunglasses"




2)  Kyara  ~  "Sunglasses"




3)  ZZ Top  ~  "Cheap Sunglasses"




4)  Bruckup ft. Shaggy  ~  "Sunglasses (Keep Ya Shades On)"




5)  The Bad Mouth Betties  ~  "Sunglasses"




6)  Timbuk 3  ~  "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"




7)  B.o.B. ft. Lupe Fiasco  ~  "Past My Shades"




8)  Corey Hart  ~  "(I Wear My) Sunglasses At  Night"

Monday, January 21, 2013

Surprisingly Good Songs By Indie Bands With Slightly Ridiculous Names, Vol. 3

Because I just can't seem to leave well enough alone, here's more of these... Enjoy?


1)  Milk & Eggs  ~  "Birdhouses"  (Soothing folk/pop with beautiful vocals)




2)  Poison Control Center  ~  "Being Gone"  (Silly but fun pop/rock tune)




3)  Pico vs. Island Trees  ~  "Sugar Rush"  (Props to this talented band, which originally hails from Raleigh, N.C.)




4)  Portugal. The Man  ~  "Sleep Forever"  (Pretty good modern rock sound; epic-length video is part music video, part movie...but you get the gist of the song in the first four minutes or so)




5)  Release The Sunbird  ~  "Come Back To Us"  (This folk/pop gem sounds like it came straight out of the mid-1970s; nice tune!)




6)  She Keeps Bees  ~  "Counter Charm"  (This one won't be to everyone's tastes, but I liked its grungy/psychedelic rock sound...has a nice throwback feel to it)




7)  Snake Rattle Rattle Snake  ~  "Break The Same"  (A smooth, solid rock song...nothing more, nothing less)




8)  Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin  ~  "Modern Mystery"  (I was actually familiar with this band before researching this series of posts; I love their smooth, summery modern rock sound)




9)  Stagnant Pools  ~  "Frozen"  (OK, so the lead singer's voice is nothing special, but these guys can really play...if they did instrumental albums, I'd be all about their music!)




10)  Surgeons In Heat  ~  "Never Noticed"  (This guy's got a unique voice [I should clarify, a good unique voice] and the band has a nice, smooth retro-soul sound)




11)  Tape Deck Mountain  ~  "Ghost Colony"  (Kinda grunge, kinda psychedelic, kinda like the soundtrack to a dream...don't listen if you're sleepy)




12)  Tacks, The Boy Disaster  ~  "Frozen Feet"  (Nice, lo-fi rock sound with decent-but-not-great vocals...a nice way to pass four minutes of your time)




13)  Title Tracks  ~  "Steady Love"  (1960s Brit-pop meets modern pop/rock in this pleasant, catchy tune)




14)  Throw Me The Statue  ~  "Yucatan Gold"  (Quirky, funky, and just a bit off...in other words, I like it just fine)




15)  Umphrey's McGee  ~  "Puppet String"  (Never heard of these guys before, but they seem like they'd be an amazing live band [this video's from a live performance]...impressive stuff!)

Words I Wish I Wrote: The Timeless Wisdom Of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.



"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; 
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; 
only love can do that."


"I have a dream that my four little children
will one day live in a nation where they will
not be judged by the color of their skin, but
by the content of their character."


"Faith is taking the first step even when 
you don't see the whole staircase."


"The ultimate measure of a man is not
where he stands in moments of comfort
and convenience, but where he stands
at times of challenge and controversy."


"Change does not roll in on the wheels of
inevitability, but comes through continuous
struggle. And so we must straighten our
backs and work for our freedom. A man
can't ride you unless your back is bent."


"I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear."


"An individual has not started living 
until he can rise above the narrow confines 
of his individualistic concerns to the 
broader concerns of all humanity."


"In the end, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends."


"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than
sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."


"A nation or civilization that continues to 
produce soft-minded men purchases its
own spiritual death on the installment plan."


"Our lives begin to end the day we
become silent about things that matter."


"We must develop and maintain the capacity
to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to
forgive is devoid of the power to love. There 
is some good in the worst of us and some 
evil in the best of us. When we discover this, 
we are less prone to hate our enemies."


"All labor that uplifts humanity has 
dignity and importance and should be
undertaken with painstaking excellence."


"Right, temporarily defeated, 
is stronger than evil triumphant."


"Rarely do we find men who willingly
engage in hard, solid thinking. 
There is an almost universal quest 
for easy answers and half-baked 
solutions. Nothing pains some 
people more than having to think."


"To be a Christian without prayer is no more
possible than to be alive without breathing."


"We must learn to live together as
brothers or perish together as fools."


"Injustice anywhere is a threat
to justice everywhere."


"Life's most persistent and 
urgent question is, 'What are 
you doing for others?'"


"The hottest place in Hell is reserved
for those who remain neutral in 
times of great moral conflict."


"Whatever your life's work, do it well.
A man should do his job so well 
that the living, the dead, and the
unborn could do it no better."


"The time is always right
to do what's right."


"A right delayed
is a right denied."


"We must build the dikes of courage
to hold back the flood of fear."


"Love is the only force capable of
transforming an enemy into a friend."


"We may have all come on different ships,
but we're in the same boat now."


"Nonviolence means avoiding not only
external physical violence, but also internal
violence of spirit. You not only refuse to
shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him."


"Shallow understanding from people of 
good will is more frustrating than absolute
misunderstanding from people of ill will."


"If a man hasn't discovered something
that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."


"The art of acceptance is the art of 
making someone who has just done 
you a small favor wish that he might 
have done you a greater one."


"The means by which we live have
outdistanced the ends for which we
live. Our scientific power has outrun
our spiritual power. We have guided
missiles and misguided men."


"War is a poor chisel
to carve out tomorrow."


"Peace is not merely a distant
goal that we seek, but a means
by which we arrive at that goal."


"I just want to do God's will. And He's
allowed me to go to the mountain. And
I've looked over, and I've seen the Promised
Land! I may not get there with you, but I
want you to know tonight that we as a 
people will get to the Promised Land."

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Crazy Texts And Messages From A Sleep-Deprived Dad Who Both Hates And Is Amused By AutoCorrect


While we were in the hospital (from Sunday night to Thursday afternoon last week), I did much of the responding back and forth with people who called or texted to Mary's cell phone. I also did my fair share of Facebook messaging with friends and relatives on my Kindle Fire. This was probably a bad idea.

Let it first be noted that I am an excellent speller and a consummate grammarian (not to boast, but it's true). However, when typing a message on an Android device, like Mary's smartphone or my Kindle Fire, I often found myself the victim of crazily AutoCorrected messages which amused and delighted their recipients and often frustrated me.

What I do do is type too quickly with my thumbs. What I don't do is look at the text box above the keyboard to make sure what I think I'm typing is actually what's showing up. The AutoCorrect feature frequently "corrects" what I'm typing, which when I've inadvertently misspelled something, I have no problem with. It's when AutoCorrect preemptively corrects my word because it thinks it's able to read my mind that the "helpful" program is quite often wrong. The resulting messages are both garbled and hilarious. And completely random. I hope you'll enjoy reading them as much as the people to whom I sent them did...

NOTE:  What follows the quote (in parentheses) are the word or words I actually meant to type.



ME:  We javelin a feather bed that y'all are welcome to use. Just get house keys from us webserver y'all come by today. It's really comfy.  (have; whenever)

LAC:  I don't want a javelin feather bed. That sounds harsh.


***************

LAC:  Hello!

ME:  Ejection(What's up?)



***************

LAC:  How's my main man?

ME:  Chickens right now. It was a bad night.  (Chillin'.)



***************

ME:  She's feeding Jim again for the fourth time in four hours, but he ain't feelin' it. Y'all coming over water (him; later)


***************

LAC:  Is there anything that we can bring you when we come tonight?

ME:  Caffeine freed Mtn. Dews, maybe?  (free)


***************

LAC:  We are going to grab some Hibachi for lunch. Would y'all like something?

ME:  We are good. We both ate a hospital lunch and now we are get ring everythings ready to be discharged. We will see y'all soon though. And Taj yoyo(getting everything; Thank you!)

LAC:  Taj yoyo to you, too, Carl.




***************

RW:  Hey dudeman, how are y'all doing?

ME:  Not too bad. Baby is sleepwear now. Nevertheless you just calls your dad. He will be the upper date. *sigh* I can't type a worth darn (sleeping; called; update; worth a darn)


***************

LAC:  How are you? Exhausted?

ME:  Yarn, we both are! I finally ate at 8:00. Mary still hasn't eaten all day. She might get soup soon.  (Yeah)

LAC:  Soup! What? No jello?

ME:  Maybe hello. She was ecstatic to be a pitcher of Walter earlier! Carl. Carl. Crap."  (jello; get; water; Crap; Crap)

LAC:  Lmao. And I mean that literally, Carl.



***************

LAC:  Do you want anything from Andy's? Or whatever they are called now...

ME:  I dunno. We ate McDonald's at 12:30 or 1:00. Not super hugged yet.  (hungry)


***************

LAC:  Any sauce for the nuggets?

ME:  Oolynesin please. At least two of them. Thanks.  (Polynesian)


***************

SS:  Will LAC be coming later? I was hoping to see her while she's here.

ME:  She'll be in and out today. She's other running some errands for us eight now. If you want to see her o am sure she will be glad to be here to seen you top. See you later. I hate AutoZone (out; right; I; see you too; AutoCorrect)


***************

ME:  I'm going to ask them to bring something specifically that I am carving. Tahoe you.  (craving; Thank)



***************

ME:  We will ask them in a bit (feeding now). MightyBBC a good idea.  (Might be)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Words And Phrases I Use All The Time Now That I Rarely Ever Did Two Weeks Ago

It's official. I'm learning a new language. Whether you call it Babyese, Parentese, Infantic, or whatever else, I now speak and understand this language quite fluently. If you're a parent, you'll understand. If you aren't, brush up on the vocabulary in advance. You'll need to know these things later. Some are common words, but not ones I ever spoke on a regular basis. Others are words or phrases that are chiefly spoken by parents of babies and can generally only be understood by other (current or former) parents of babies. Here's a smattering of words and phrases from this unique language. All baby pictures included herein are of our son, Josiah....


1)  Seedy Poop:  I never thought I'd not mind changing a diaper, and yet I really don't. Maybe it's because it's my child's diaper, I don't know. Looking at the contents of the diaper and analyzing the color of the poop, however, is still not something I enjoy an awful lot.




2)  Farting:  I marvel constantly at the frequency and the power with which my 10-lb. baby can expel flatulence. Put simply, he farts like a grown man!



3)  Burping:  The kid hasn't mastered the fine art of burping that much so far. But he burps just enough for us not to worry. And when he's sitting up to be burped, his meaty jowls flare out to ridiculous proportions. In other words, it's adorable.



4)  Snorking:  Okay, so this is probably a made-up word, but we use it all the time, so I'm calling it official. "Snorking" is the oink-like snorting that my boy makes when he's overly excited, frustrated, or suddenly hungry.



5)  Snorker:  Okay, so it's another made-up word. Big deal! A "snorker" in our house is what most people call a nasal aspirator, or perhaps a bulb syringe. Sometimes Baby Boy gets a snootful of milk and starts spitting it up through his nose. At times like that, we sit him upright as quickly as possible and insert the snorker into the affected nostril (usually it's both) and snork out the snotty milk.



6)  Diapers:  This one's obvious. I have changed a lot of diapers in the last eleven days. I have given the kid "plumber's butt" on at least one occasion and been pooped on while changing a diaper once. But otherwise, the diaper changing process has been a lot smoother than I would have ever imagined.



7)  Onesie:  This one-piece shirt/briefs combo is a popular apparel choice for infants of all shapes and sizes. Including our hoss of a young'un. Designed for easy diaper changing, the onesie is a versatile piece for your growing youngster.



8)  Boppy:  We got our Boppy (a C-shaped body pillow, of sorts) to support the baby's body while Mary's breastfeeding. While it hasn't worked out so well in that respect, it makes a great seat for Boyface, nestling him comfortably for leisurely lounging, especially at the sunny end of the couch.



9)  Latching:  Sometimes getting the kid started "eating" (which is technically drinking, but I digress...) is the hardest part. He's quite the wiggle monster, flailing his little arms back and forth with wild abandon. Once he latches on, he eats just fine. Getting Mary comfortable while Baby is comfortable is another story, but for now the fact that the kid ain't starving is comfort enough. But we're working on figuring the rest of it out, too.



10)  Swaddling:  Also known as "Baby Burrito," swaddling is one of the quickest ways to calm down a fussy baby. In theory. But lots of babies, ours included, are veritable Houdinis at escaping the cozy confines of a good old-fashioned swaddling, and often seek to renew their active pursuits with arms and/or legs free to flail about at will. Our kid prefers to have his arms unbound and is able to free them in approximately fifteen seconds flat. But it usually calms him down nonetheless. Usually.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Surprisingly Good Songs By Indie Bands With Slightly Ridiculous Names, Vol. 2


Here's another batch of surprisingly good songs by indie bands with slightly ridiculous names. I prepared this one pre-baby. Enjoy!


1)  Danielle Ate The Sandwich  ~  "Faith In A Man"  (Nice tune, great vocals)




2)  The Dad Horse Experience  ~  "Kingdom It Will Come"  (Quirky, but not at all unpleasant)

 



3)  Dinosaur Feathers  ~  "Untrue"  (Okay, so it's hipster music, but at least it's good hipster music)

 



4)  Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now!  ~  "G.I.R.L.F.R.E.N. (You Know I've Got A)"  (So what if they can't spell correctly...it's still an amusing song!)



5)  Fake Problems  ~  "Soulless"  (Strange video, but what a catchy song)




6)  Ha Ha Tonka  ~  "Usual Suspects"  (Very nice!)




7)  Halloween, Alaska  ~  "You Are Not Well"  (This one just keeps building and building into a quiet storm...well done!)




8)  Hiss Golden Messenger  ~  "Red Rose Nantahala"  (Have to give props to a fellow North Carolinian, especially one with talent)




9)  Hurray For The Riff Raff  ~  "Look Out Mama"  (A hauntingly beautiful folk tune...a fiddler in skull makeup...AND yodeling? yes, please!)




10)  The History Of Apple Pie  ~  "Mallory"  (What a delightful, grungy pop/rock confection!)




11)  Joan As Police Woman  ~  "Chemmie"  (This lady makes some weird videos, but she's got a powerhouse voice, very retro, a la Adele...good stuff!)




12)  The Ladybug Transistor  ~  "Always On The Telephone"  (This sounds like really obscure but really good '80s music...in other words, I like it!)




13)  Let's Buy Happiness  ~  "Fast Fast"  (Quirky indie pop with female vocals isn't to everybody's liking, but it suits me just fine. Sing it again – fast, fast!)




14)  Maps & Atlases  ~  "Solid Ground"  (This guy's unique voice really seals the deal for this band – good stuff!)




15)  My Gold Mask  ~  "Violet Eyes"  (This nouveau psychedelic rock sound is clearly an homage to classic groups from the '60s and '70s, like Jefferson Airplane...trippy but cool!)