Sunday, July 15, 2012

What We WON'T Be Naming Our Kid - Part 2

There's a world of good names out there that are well-worthy of giving to our unborn child. And there's a wealth of terrible monikers that we'd never dare saddle our kid with. These are a few of the latter... 

1)  TEMITOPE:  I don't know how to pronounce it. With my best guess, it sounds like an isotope that's really shy. I have no clue if it's supposed to be a boy name or a girl name. This name is never going to happen.

2)  CALIBER:  I am not a hunter. I am not a gunsmith. My wife is also neither of these things. So why would we name our child after the diameter of a bullet? It just doesn't make sense. This also means that names like Remington, Smith, Wesson, Bullet, and Hunter are probably out as well. To each his (or her) own, but these names are a real misfire for us.

3)  TOMORROW:  You gotta like the optimism of this name. There's always tomorrow. But we aren't promised tomorrow. So if we're waiting for Tomorrow to arrive, and Tomorrow never comes, we will be quite disappointed today. This does not compute.

4)  CHATTERTON:  Now, I realize that once a child begins to speak that this name might very well be an appropriate one for him or her. But I'd never want to have a child stuck with a name that may or may not be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Any way you look at it, this is not a good name for a child. 

5)  STICKY:  I can't think of one reason that we, or anyone for that matter, would name their child Sticky. Boy or girl, there's just no way this is a good given name for anybody. Now, maybe your kid likes honey buns, or they like to steal stuff. Maybe then you give them the nickname "Sticky," but why would ever name a sweet, innocent little baby Sticky on purpose? Answer: We wouldn't.

6)  BIDDINGS:  I grant you, this could be a family name for someone somewhere, and they wanted to hire that person who was near and dear to them by giving their child the same name. But when I hear this name, I think of black-market baby-selling. I don't want my child for sale to the highest bidder. Nor should any child ever be. Now, if he or she ended up becoming an auctioneer, this name would not only be appropriate but very clever. But what are the chances of that happening?

7)  BASKERVILLE:  Now I'm as big a fan of Sherlock Holmes as the next guy. Maybe more so. But I would never name our child after one of his famous cases, "The Hound of the Baskervilles." Neither would I name him (or her) Sherlock, or even Holmes. "The Red-Headed League" might be more appropriate in our case, but I don't remember the name of the main guy from that story.

8)  TOMATO:  Apparently, some people have actually named a child Tomato, as it appeared in one of the baby name lists on a website I've frequented. Why would you do this to a child? It's basically saying, "Child, I hate you now, and I always will." There are plenty of other fruits and vegetables that would make better names -- like Apple, Papaya, Mango, Kiwi, Tangerine, and Clementine (not that we would use these, either, but still...). Other fruit and vegetable names besides Tomato that we will not be using as names for our child include Zucchini, Corn, Grape, Banana, Broccoli, Edamame, Squash, and Cucumber (although I don't have any evidence to prove that any of these words in particular have been used as baby names).

9)  SCHNUFFEL:  This name may mean something beautiful in German, or whatever language it originates from, but as a first name for a child it just sounds stupid. Schnuffel Hill sounds like a place you are sent to in order to recover from an infectious disease. Not going to be using this one, either.

10)  PLACEBO:  I want a child who's the real thing, not a sneaky substitute. Seriously, why would you name a kid Placebo? Other science-related names that I've run across that we also won't be using include Biologist, Chemist, Laboratory, Test, and -- of course! -- Science.

11)  DUMBO:  You gotta hate your newborn child really bad to call him (or her) Dumbo. That's just cruel! Other demeaning baby names I found amongst the ranks of actually-used names which won't be among the favorites on our shortlist include Chicken, Junk, Forget, Scruffy, Saggy, Tramp, Loopy, Lusti, and Bugger.

12)  ESPN:  This is the name of a television sports network, not a proper name for a child. How is that even pronounced? ESS-pin? Who knows? Other sports-related names we won't be using include Football (yes, Football!), Wrestling, Homer, Goal, Basket, and Brackett.

13)  GASSMAN:  Another "self-fulfilling prophecy" name here. Why, just why, would you name your kid this? Other flatulence-related names that are also out include Fardous, Poot, Beanie, and Stankovich.

14)  NECESSARY:  First of all, the "necessary" is an old-school name for the toilet. So you might as well name your kid "Restroom." Secondly, this sounds like a parent who didn't really want the child they had, and upon seeing him/her for the first time replied, "Is this Necessary?" And the name stuck. Speaking of the name Stuck, I found Stuck among the baby names lists, and that's another no-go. 

15)  MARIHUANA:  I don't know whether the parents of this poor child were smoking pot when they gave their little girl this name, or if they just named her after one of their favorite things. Either way, that kid's "Stuck" with an awful name for the rest of her life. Other horribly bad names which likely derived from the parents' favorite things to eat include Cheeto, Custard, Mozzarella, and Cheddar.

I'm shaking my head so hard right now at these terribly poor name choices. There's actually way more of these that I could have chosen, so stay tuned for Part 3 later this week.


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