Three Olympics-Themed Drabbles: "Bars," "Positive By Proxy," & "Out Of His Element"

My wife and I have been watching the Olympics like crazy the past couple of days. Which got me thinking...what kind of crazy 100-word stories could I create about the Olympics? These three are what I came up with.

If you think you recognize any actual people in the characters from the first two stories, it's entirely coincidental, I assure you. I did not base them on any particular athlete – I just let my imagination run amok. The third story, however, is based on an actual athlete whom you may be able to recognize; but I put him in a completely unfamiliar situation, just for kicks. Hope you enjoy these!

"BARS"

It's not easy being a male gymnast AND a gangsta rapper. Trust me, I know. I can execute a beastly routine on the uneven bars, then immediately head to the studio and spit bars like a beast about executing someone to get even – without even skipping a beat (figuratively or literally). But I gotta keep a low profile these days. After all, this is the Olympics, and America doesn't wanna hear that their "golden boy" gymnast is also a social degenerate. Or at least pretends to be over beats. It's a good thing I'm white. They'll never suspect a thing.

"POSITIVE BY PROXY"

Pee in a cup? You must be joking! Don't you know who I am? I'm a World Champion! I've won more medals in my sleep than anyone else has awake! Are you trying to imply that I would cheat? Please! This body's all-natural! These muscles were forged through hard work, not chemicals. You think I could put anything in this finely sculpted body that would enhance it? I mean, really – do you actually think I could look any better? Procedure, my eye! I call it an insult! No! You can keep your cup! And I will keep my pee.

"OUT OF HIS ELEMENT"

There must be some mistake – I ain’t on the archery team. Yeah, I’m one of the greatest players ever. In basketball, not archery! You mighta heard of me? Just won my first championship coupla months ago. What you mean "it's too late to do anything about it"? I don't even know how to work this thing! Which way is the arrow supposed to face? Out? Okay. What do I do with this string thingie? Pull? Aim for that little circle? Gotcha! Man, this is a piece of cake. I shoulda taken my talents to South England a long time ago!