If you suffer from coulrophobia, it's time to face your fears. After all, clowns are people too. They cake on their makeup one layer at a time just like you do. They pull on their brightly colored, oversized pants one leg at a time just like you do. They just happen to be more in the public eye than you are. So maybe it's not actually fear that you're feeling, but clown envy. This Friday the 13th, it's time to let that fear go. And I'm here to help you through it, every step of the way.
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If you've seen any of the SAW movies, you
may recognize this guy. Yes, he makes people
kill people. Or themselves. But it's all good.
See, this guy – he's actually a puppet.
He's not real. He can't hurt you.
He can haunt you. But he can't really hurt you.
This is Bozo. He makes children happy.
He makes children laugh. Yes, his hair is
creepy. Yes, his plastered-on smile is creepy.
Yes, his voice is creepy. But Bozo isn't creepy.
He's your friend. There's no need to be afraid of him.
This is Doink The Clown. He wrestles people for
a living (or at least he used to). He plays pranks
on people. He has an excellent sense of humor.
Yes, he has a violent streak, but that's what they
pay him for. Don't worry, he won't hurt you.
He likes you. Remember, if it's not in the script,
it's not going to happen. Nobody really gets hurt.
This is Pogo The Clown. His real name
is John Wayne Gacy. Over the course of
many years, he killed a lot of people, mostly
teenage boys. He was very evil. Sometimes he
dressed up as Pogo and entertained at parties
for children. If parents had known who he
really was, they'd have never allowed this to
happen. But they didn't know. He was very
sneaky. But don't be afraid of Gacy. He's dead.
They caught him and punished him.
He'll never hurt anyone ever again.
If you've ever seen the movie POLTERGEIST,
you might be familiar with this seemingly creepy
clown. While it's just a toy, this clown sometimes
seems very full of life. Like in this scene, where the
boy is already scared during a thunderstorm, and the
clown appears to be about to choke the boy – not
only scaring him more, but possibly harming him too.
But don't worry – this too is a puppet. Special effects.
Smoke and mirrors. Nothing to be afraid of here.
This is Pennywise The Clown, from the movie IT,
which was based on the book by Stephen King.
Pennywise is also a very evil character. He not only
terrorizes a group of kids, one-by-one, preying on
their worst fears; he also revisits them years later,
once they've grown up and have almost forgotten the
horrors of their youth. He wants to hurt them very
badly. But don't worry – at the end of the movie,
the kids (now adults) fight back. They find him where
he lives and kill him. Pennywise is no more. Don't worry!
This is a clown from the movie SPAWN, which was
based on a series of graphic novels by the same name.
I haven't seen the movie, so I'm not really sure
what this particular clown's name is. Based solely
on his diminished stature, his almost-nonexistent-
yet-still-elaborately-styled hair, and his fat stubby legs,
you might be inclined to fear this clown. But you shouldn't.
Instead, you should applaud the makers of this film for hiring
a "little person." So few movies and television shows
these days call for "little people" and so there are hundreds of
tiny actors and actresses out there who are unemployed.
This movie employed one of those people. So don't
be scared because he's scary; be glad because he's needed.
This is a zombie clown. He's dead.
Well, undead. I would say he can't
hurt you, but we know that's not true.
Clowns can be unpredictable.
Zombies are very unpredictable.
You might want to steer clear of this one.
I know I sure will....
This is The Joker. He's a master criminal.
He's a highly intelligent psychopath with
a twisted, sadistic sense of humor. But
in reality, he's Jack Nicholson. I know
what you're thinking – that's pretty scary,
too. I get that. Just think of him as a man
doing a job that has to be done, like the
kid who mows your lawn, or the guy
who picks up your trash. Just a
working Joe, trying to make a living.
This guy, on the other hand, put his heart and
soul into playing The Joker. This is Heath Ledger.
Not really a clown in real life. Not really alive in
real life. Heath died shortly after making this film. Not
on purpose (that we know of). But he died nonetheless.
So, no matter how believable he was in this vicious role,
he can't hurt you now. He has passed on. Don't be afraid!
This is Ronald McDonald. You may recognize him.
He's the "mascot" for McDonald's. He has a cherry
red head of tightly permed hair. He wears a
yellow jumpsuit with candy-cane striped sleeves.
His red rubber boots are ginormous. He's creepy.
He wants to sell you French fries. He smiles a lot.
He's been seen hanging out with a giant hamburger,
a purple something-or-other, and a little short guy
who steals people's burgers. He likes kids. He's really creepy.
But he can't hurt you. He's a clown, true, and an
incredibly disturbing one, at that. But you don't have to be
scared. Just as long as you keep buying his hamburgers,
French fries, milkshakes, and anything else he tries
to sell you, you don't need to worry. But if you should
ever cross over to the dark side – and buy a Whopper! –
well, I would recommend sleeping with one eye open...
What I can't get over is the fact that people still dress up as clowns and try to entertain when the over-whelming consensus is that clowns are not only unfunny, they're creepy. I'm a game inventor and I am so freaked out by clowns that I created a game where you plunge images of clowns in the face with mini-plungers. I call it NØ CLOWNS! but people who have tested it with us call it therapeutic and cathartic. \ If you hate clowns, and care to, check out our facebook page under NØ CLOWNS. Thanks for the blog post.
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