Thursday, July 19, 2012

What We WON'T Be Naming Our Kid - Part 3 Of 3

Haven't we had just about enough of these? Well, almost. This'll be the last installment in this mini-series of collections of oddball baby names that we'd never in a million years even consider using as names for our child. Today I decided to keep it simple and group the ill-conceived names together by the thing or things which may have inspired them in the first place. And here we go...

1)  BAD MUSIC-RELATED NAMES:  If we have a son, we won't be naming him Adagio, Legato, Omaggio, Glissando, Harp, Tocsin (sounds poisonous!), or Zydeco. If we have a little girl, she won't be called Cabaletta, Medley, Nocturne, or Stanza. Yes, there are some really great music-inspired names -- but these are not some of them.

2)  BAD SHAKESPEAREAN NAMES:  Though my sister-in-law (more on her later) will probably pooh-pooh this one, we will not be giving a girl child any of the following names from Shakespeare's numerous plays: Albany, Dolabella, Dorcas, or Titania (sounds like a metal). Nor will we be naming a boy child Barnardo, Benvolio, Derby, Donalbain, Egeon, Mercutio, or Puck. On the other hand, Shakespeare came up with and/or used quite a few truly beautiful names for his characters. And a few of them ARE on our shortlist. But I'm not telling you which ones! (Not yet at least.)

3)  BAD BIBLE NAMES:  Before you throw your stones, there's absolutely nothing wrong with using Bible names for your kids. There are tons of great ones in there. But even some of the parents in the Bible didn't know how to name their kids something that wasn't going to haunt their offspring for the rest of their days. Don't believe me? What about the unlucky girls who had to live with the names Huldah, Orpah, Tirza, and Zilpah? Or what about those poor boys who went through life answering to a doozy of a name like Gad, Jethro, Abednego, or Jehoshaphat? Yeah, see? If you've got a Bible name that's "normal," consider yourself blessed. It could be so much worse! 

4)  BAD FOOD/DRINKS NAMES:  This is another category where a lot of really beautiful names have originated. And also a plethora of bad ones. If you're placing your bets on us naming our son Cajun, Filbert, Frito, or Waldorf, you're going to be losing some money. If you thought we would name our daughter Absinthe, Blueberry, Fig, Paprika, or Taffy, you thought wrong.

5)  BAD FASHION DESIGNER NAMES:  I'm not a big fan of high fashion (I may have mentioned this a few times before!). So if it were entirely up to me, I certainly wouldn't be naming my kid after a famous fashion designer. But if I were planning on doing so, these are the names that wouldn't make my shortlist of choices: Coco, Kimora, and Miuccia for a girl; and Dries, Helmut, Issey, and Manolo for a boy.

6)  BAD BASEBALL PLAYER NAMES:  Me being a big major league baseball fan (having mentioned that a few times before also), you'd think I'd be itching to name my kid after a famous baseball player. Well, not all baseball player's names are created equally. Some of them are just awful. Case in point, the following unusable names: Yonder, Asdrubal, Melky, Jhoulys, Welington, Yuniesky, Aroldis, Rhiner, Yhency, Edgmer, Chone, Marwin, Gorkys, Maicer, Ubaldo, Yu, Munenori, Lastings, Wily Mo, Wandy, Atahualpa, Ichiro, and Yorvit. Seriously, what is it with all these horrible "Y" names?


Starting today, my wife and I are on vacation. I'll still be posting something here every day (yesterday was day 200 and counting!), but most of what I post through the weekend will be something I wrote in advance. Tomorrow, though, I have a special treat for you. A guest sister-in-law. What is she going to write about? Sorry, you'll have to wait and see. I promise it'll be good, though. Till tomorrow...

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