Saturday, August 25, 2012

7 Things I Don't Want On My Hamburger

I'm not the pickiest of eaters (though I used to be), but there are still certain things that -- try as I might -- I just don't like to eat. Many of these undesirable edibles are often served on hamburgers. Some are not as typical on hamburgers, but I still dislike them, and so here they are...

1)  Pickles:  I don't mind the smell of pickles, or even the taste of the juice -- I get my Chick-Fil-A sandwiches with pickles so the juice gets on the bun, then I pick the pickles off before eating -- it's the texture I can't stand. Biting into a pickle is somewhat akin to biting a cat's tail (not that I've done that or anything) -- it gives in ways that you think it shouldn't, and at the same time it's just a little too firm to be palatable.

2)  Lettuce:  For the life of me, I don't know why humans chose -- many, many years ago -- to eat leaves. There are so many better things in this world to eat -- why leaves? In all honesty, I do like the "leaves" of cabbage and spinach and, if forced to, I can eat the occasional salad provided it's made from a 50/50 mix of spinach and baby greens (which I then tear up by hand into smaller pieces). However, my tolerance for lettuce does not extend to hamburgers. Especially since a lot of lettuce-clad hamburgers that I've encountered have huge pieces of iceberg piled onto them. I've tasted iceberg lettuce, or at least what there is to taste of it. To me, it's sort of like eating crunchy air. I don't like the texture, and there's barely any taste at all. What's the point?

3)  Tomatoes:  This food aversion is an anomaly, I know. I adore ketchup, and I am fully aware that ketchup is made from tomatoes. But I hate tomatoes. The smell, the texture, even the look of tomatoes is utterly unappealing to me. I can't explain it. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with tomatoes, and I might even could force myself to like them if I really tried, but why would I? I mean, as long as there's ketchup.

4)  Slaw:  This isn't always a topping on hamburgers, but in some places it is. And it's nasty! I love cooked cabbage, especially when it's boiled with pork chops. The flavor infusion of the pork takes away the bitterness of the cabbage and just makes it delicious. But I don't like slaw. Not at all. There's something about the mix of the different ingredients in slaw that just turns me off. The only place I've ever had slaw and actually liked it was when we went to Jamaica. They cut their cabbage in long, skinny strips and lightly dressed it with a tangy but spicy sauce, and it was simply delicious. It helped that the slaw was also sharing a plate with jerk chicken, which was absolutely delectable. But still...

5)  Avocado:  This one seems to be a growing trend, especially depending on where you get your hamburger. Adding avocado to a burger seems much more common in "sit-down" restaurants. I'll admit it -- I've had a burger or two with avocado as a topping. And I ate it, but I didn't particularly care for it. The thing is, avocado doesn't have a whole lot of taste and it too has a funny texture. I don't like guacamole, either, for the same reasons.

6)  Ham:  When we went on missions trips to Mexico with our church a few years back, the people that we were staying with would often make us toned-down (read: less spicy) versions of classic Mexican dishes for our nourishment and enjoyment. Every now and then, they'd do their own version of an "American" dish. Case in point: the hamburger. They were good hamburgers, but they took the name a bit too literally when they added a thick slice of ham as a topping to the burgers. Being courteous to our hosts, we ate the hamburgers without complaint -- and really, there wasn't a whole lot to complain about anyway. Burgers are good. Ham is good. The two together? Hmm... It's not that it wasn't good, it was just a little weird. But hey, when in Mexico...

7)  Egg:  In keeping with the breakfast theme here, egg is also not a topping I enjoy on my hamburger. Truthfully, I've never tried it, and I might would change my mind if I did. But I don't think so. This is just a strange combination to me. For the same reason that I never eat steak for breakfast, I don't want to eat egg for lunch or supper (unless my entire meal is a breakfast-type dish).

You may be wondering, if I dislike all these common hamburger toppings, what DO I like on my hamburger? Good question! Most of the time, I just eat it with bacon, cheese, and ketchup. But I also like mayo, BBQ sauce, grilled onions, fried onions, and even -- on rare occasions -- apple slices as toppings for my hamburger. Mmm, mmm, delicious!

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