Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Creepy Mustaches

There are few things in life that are creepier than a guy with a creepy mustache. Epic beards can be creepy, too, but at least they're interesting to look at – and that just adds to their epicness (epicacity? epichood?). But one glimpse at a creepy mustache and you not only want to look away, you want to run away – as fast as possible! Here's a compendium of some of the creepiest mustaches I could find:

1)  The "Trust Me, Your Kids Are Safe With Me" Mustache:  Popular with bus drivers, pedophiles, and pedophile bus drivers.

2)  The Lopsided Starving Artist Mustache:  Popular with starving artists and people who see the world from a different angle.

3)  The "I'm A Chilean Gymnast, What's Your Excuse?" Mustache:  Popular with Chilean gymnasts and horsemen in the Andes.

4)  The "Pathetic Excuse For A Mustache" Mustache:  Popular with basketball player Adam Morrison and other wannabes.

5)  The "I Grow This 'Stache To Distract Your Attention From My Overwhelming Ugliness" Mustache:  Popular with overwhelmingly ugly people.

6)  The Snake Oil Salesman Pencil Mustache:  Popular with film director John Waters. And no one else. Hopefully.

7)  The "Does This Hat Make Me Look Stupid, Or Is It Just My Mustache?" Mustache:  Popular with this unpopular guy.

8)  The Redheaded Viking Handlebar Mustache:  Popular with redheads, Vikings, bikers, and this guy.

9)  The "I Wish I Was Hitler" Mustache:  Popular with neo-Nazis, anarchists, and amateur bomb makers.

10)  The "Holy Smokes, I AM Hitler!" Mustache:  Popular with Adolf Hitler, may he rest in pieces.

11)  The "Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Was Hot Like Me?" Mustache:  Popular with creepy-looking guys who think they're hot. And who have never looked in a mirror to confirm their suspicions.

12)  The Rollie Fingers Curlicue Mustache:  Popular with Rollie Fingers and German clockmakers.

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